I'm the WAW - friends after divorce?

[GulfCoastWAW]

Hi everyone, new here. My husband and I are going to be filing for divorce and he is moving out at the end of January. This is all my doing. I guess I am your typical WAW - not in love anymore, checked out emotionally a long time ago, don't have the energy to try again with him, don't believe he will ever change, etc. Truthfully I married for all the wrong reasons but I was too young to realize it. The heartbreaking thing about this whole situation is that although I don't love my husband romantically and don't wish to be married to him, I do value our friendship and I am sad to lose him from my life. I guess it is somewhat foolish to believe we can remain friends, but he does seem receptive to the idea. After giving it some more thought though I have to wonder if that's really the best way to go. I am afraid that he will use our friendship as a means to try and win me back and not move on with his life. But on the other hand, I don't want him to be alone and sink into some kind of horrible depression. Despite the zillion reasons I cannot and will not be married to him, I do honestly care for him so much! I guess I just need some advice and opinions. He doesn't have a strong support system or friends in the area so I am truly worried about him. I'd like to be there for him, but at the same time I am doubting that it's wise or that it will work out.

 

Just for the record, we have been married 8 years and don't have children. Thanks for any advice!

[hurting_in_nw]

Given his situation, it's likely he would want to keep you as a friend. However, for his own good, I think it's best that doesn't happen, especially if he is heartbroken over the divorce. It's a tough place to be...had my ex-wife not cheated I think we could have been the best of friends, but even then, had she been a WAW, it still would have hurt like hell and taken a while to get to that point. If you want to be a real friend to him, encourage him to get out and make new friends and get more involved with things he enjoys. Keep your distance without making him feel more rejected, if that's possible.

[hopesndreams]

Direct him here when you leave him.

 

Friends? It would be like kicking him in the teeth, over and over.

[LakesideDream]

I agree with the others. "friends" is tough, especially at this point. five, ten years in the future... maybe.

 

Good luck with you new life.. and good luck to your husband too.

[curiou]

I don't think it would be a good idea. Your motivation for being friends with him is on some level selfish (even if you are not trying to hurt him) because you're retaining all the benefits of being friends with him and denying him the ability to let you go. I'd give it a long time before even thinking about it.

[soheartbroken]

Direct him here when you leave him.

 

Friends? It would be like kicking him in the teeth, over and over.

 

Agreed. Direct him to LS!

[Cranialrupture]

Who are you kidding?? Sounds like you want to have your cake and eat it too.

 

You do still have feelings for him. Don't say you don't because you do. You will also use every means you have to deny, bury and ignore those feelings and justify your actions.

 

Do whatever makes you feel good, just do your husband a favor when you do and be done. DO NOT RUN HIM OVER WITH THE TRUCK THEN KEEP GOING BACK AND DRIVING OVER HIM. Just run him over once and be done.

 

Of course he still wants to be friends at the beggining because he is trying to hang onto whatever he can.

 

I don't know all the details of your marriage, he very well might be a huge ****. But just by you being here and posting here, kind of hints he may not be that bad. But that doesn't matter, you are here looking for justification for your actions.

 

Do yourself and him a favor, don't be friends. Don't be a **** either. Just try being honest without all the justification. Theres a thread in here "if WAW/WAH's were honest" is the name of it I think or something close to that. I think you might find it enlightening.

 

You say you would be sad to lose him out of your life....Indifference is the opposite of love not hate. Means if you didn't love him you wouldn't be sad.

 

Don't mean to be rude, I am just being honest. And yes honesty hurts but its still better than being lied to.

[Itried]

Be honest, if you can....seems like women suffer agonizing pain when they tell the truth (from my experiences). If you are able to tell the truth you are head and shoulders above many women in this world.

 

Also, there is no such thing as friends. You just tore his heart out and now want him to be your friend?

 

Like one person said, wait several years then you might be able to be friends. I actually have seen that and it works. The divorced couple spent years without contact and eventually re-established contact but both had gone on to new relationships. That is probably the time to be friends....not now.

 

Ppl will think you are trying to use him if you just want to be friends as he will do anything in an attempt to win you back....which is impossible.

[Gunny376]

I agree with the others. "friends" is tough, especially at this point. five, ten years in the future... maybe.

 

Good luck with you new life.. and good luck to your husband too.

 

LOL! You old one eyed Spartan! Off the Three Hundred!

 

Of the three hunderd! Of the Spartians!

 

Go tell the Spartians!

 

Go tell the Marines!

[nobmagnet]

because of our child. But in the realtionship has grown over the years we are very caring of each other. Time has healed our wounds and we have deep respect for each other. But we have a child together and you do not. I suggest you let him heal. Dont be selfish. It was your choice not his. it really would be terribly unfair to give him faulse hope or reconcilliation. When you chose to end you marriage you should accept you have broken his heart and you dont deserve a freindship.

[tojaz]

My ex was a WAW. She told me the same things. She loved me but just not like she used to and she was positive, even if I said it couldn't be, that we would be the best of friends. She still does.

 

I tried, I really did. Was nice and thoughtful and hid my pain. Yet every card E-mail or letter from her is like a knife in my gut. Thats because I made a promise to her and to everyone that mattered that I would love her for all time. For me at least, it's proving impossible to break that promise. She dosen't want me as a husband, but she wants me for something, and I am caught between wishing she would come home or just vanish into oblivion. There is no in between.

 

Keep in mind what a friend is. This man loved you, enough to marry you and you walked away. Now you want him in a supporting role, talking about your life without him? Meeting your love interests? An invite to your next wedding? Be fair to the man. If there is no love and your so sure that divorce is what is necessary, then cut him loose and stay away. Your losing him as a friend and as a part of your life is the price you pay for being a walk away wife.

TOJAZ

[GulfCoastWAW]

Thanks for your insight. I was afraid those were the responses I would get. The worst part is that I already told him I wanted to remain friends so now I'm supposed to go back on my word? Despite what anyone might believe, I do not want to be a cruel, heartless bitch. Yes, I am doing what I know I must do, but that doesn't mean it's easy. It's agonizing. God, this sucks. I know I won't find much sympathy here and that's fine. I do appreciate your opinions.

[sumdude]

Thanks for your insight. I was afraid those were the responses I would get. The worst part is that I already told him I wanted to remain friends so now I'm supposed to go back on my word? Despite what anyone might believe, I do not want to be a cruel, heartless bitch. Yes, I am doing what I know I must do, but that doesn't mean it's easy. It's agonizing. God, this sucks. I know I won't find much sympathy here and that's fine. I do appreciate your opinions.

 

LOL you sure picked a tough place to ask this question. This will come off a bit harsh but if you do actually care for him at some level you'll get where I'm coming from.

 

I agree with the others. If you're going to cut someones legs off it's much better to do it in one quick chop them ripping them off slowly.

 

Don't know any details of you're separation or divorce but I'll assume there's someone else already or in the wings? I'll assume at some point there was some covering up going on? If not then that's a rarity. Don't want to be a b****? Too late from his point of view. Do what you need to do and figure out later how to deal with your guilt.

 

If you're 1000% sure you're done? Tell him exactly that and that you are moving on with your life and that he should move on with his. Maybe maybe you can be distant acquaintances in the far future.

 

Forget all the BS "I love you not in love with you." "Gee you're a great guy and deserve someone who can love you the right way." "It's not you it's me." blah blah

[GulfCoastWAW]

Don't know any details of you're separation or divorce but I'll assume there's someone else already or in the wings? I'll assume at some point there was some covering up going on?

 

I have male friends but I am not romantically involved with anyone. I am looking forward to being single and don't even plan to try dating for a long, long time. I guess I rationalize my husband and I staying friends because that's what we always were and why should that stop now? We haven't had sex in years and were basically living as friends/roommates anyway. Dissolving our marriage is an absolute no-brainer to me. But yeah, I know how it looks. Just because I want more in a relationship does not make him a bad person and I do not blame any of this on him. I have an overwhelming sense of guilt and shame over this whole thing and it took me years to get the guts to finally end things. I know it's easy to make assumptions, but I don't think our situation fits the mold. I'm not asking for your pity - just trying to explain.

[Simon Attwood]

In leaving him, aren't you really running away from yourself?

[Simon Attwood]

perhaps this might help;

 

http://www.livereal.com/relationship_arena/typical_cycle_tolle.htm

[sumdude]

I know it's easy to make assumptions, but I don't think our situation fits the mold. I'm not asking for your pity - just trying to explain.

 

Too true, I've been on this board for three years. In almost every case there's someone else. I also know of soo many divorced women turned cougar it's pretty crazy.

 

Sorry about the assumption and hope you and your stbx husband can find a decent way to break it up.

[GulfCoastWAW]

LOL. I am not the cougar type. Husband has been my only partner and I was one of those dummies who waited until marriage (regretted it, too).

[CBIIS1]

You are the reason your relationship went blah. You were too lazy too invest in it when the flame started dying out. Now you're going to make him suffer for your laziness. You're lucky he doesn't hate you by now. This guy was just right for you. You were crazy about him at one point. You got whatever you wanted but then you wanted more and more. You are selfish. I hope he wakes up and closes all his doors to you. You made a mistake, you still have feelings but he has a right to be with someone who cares about more than herself. You are not her. You cut him loose. Let him run and don't look back. You made a big decision now go lie in the bed you made like the big girl you are.

[sumdude]

You are the reason your relationship went blah. You were too lazy too invest in it when the flame started dying out. Now you're going to make him suffer for your laziness. You're lucky he doesn't hate you by now. This guy was just right for you. You were crazy about him at one point. You got whatever you wanted but then you wanted more and more. You are selfish. I hope he wakes up and closes all his doors to you. You made a mistake, you still have feelings but he has a right to be with someone who cares about more than herself. You are not her. You cut him loose. Let him run and don't look back. You made a big decision now go lie in the bed you made like the big girl you are.

 

Wow, so you gathered all that from 4 posts?

[2.50 a gallon]

Quick answer: No

 

True lovers can never drop back a level and just be friends. There is just too much emotional involvement.

 

In your case you have taken it to and even higher level, marriage.

 

You took a vow of "forsaking all others . . . till death". The expectation is you promised to be with him until his last days. So you can not drop down two levels to being just friends.

 

I will loan you my lawn mower, a jacket, my CD's, my card table, etc. But I will never loan you my wife, she is mine and I do not share.

[2.50 a gallon]

This might backfire on you

 

I was a bachelor for most of my life. When it came to sex the most fun partners were the newly divorced, especially the ones whose only previous experience was with their XH.

 

In most cases both partners in the marriage had tried to avoid the slutty side of sex. The wife had good girl bounderies, she was his wife, not a slut. and the husband had similar bounderies, he didn't want the mother of his childern to be a slut.

 

Once free of the marriage, the woman feels free to expanded her sexuality and begin to explore her slut side. Most women have this thing about monogomy and emotionally attach to one partner at a time. She might try a 3-some, but she still remains attached to her new BF.

 

Then comes the day, when she realizes that it is a rebound affair, her new BF is not interested in a deeper relationship. Now she is the one being hurt. Many a time I have seen them run back to their XH when they defog. She has this new knowledge of sex and she wants to share it with her former best friend, lover and husband, only to find that he too has moved on and it is too late.

[carhill]

The more I read, the more I think I'm going to stick to four-legged pussy with 20 switchblades. Keep 'em fed and they'll kill rodents

[tojaz]

You are the reason your relationship went blah. You were too lazy too invest in it when the flame started dying out. Now you're going to make him suffer for your laziness. You're lucky he doesn't hate you by now. This guy was just right for you. You were crazy about him at one point. You got whatever you wanted but then you wanted more and more. You are selfish. I hope he wakes up and closes all his doors to you. You made a mistake, you still have feelings but he has a right to be with someone who cares about more than herself. You are not her. You cut him loose. Let him run and don't look back. You made a big decision now go lie in the bed you made like the big girl you are.

 

:confused: What was THAT all about???

[hopesndreams]

:confused: What was THAT all about???

 

Sounds spot on to me. After awhile on these forums, you don't need the ins and outs of every single person and their story. It all follows the same pattern. She sounds like just another Ann, except she is claiming no OM. With more digging into her story she would no doubt say that there is someone else, blah, blah, blah.

 

Why leave someone you still have feelings for? Makes absolutely no sense. If one were to spend time and energy on recapturing, the world would be a better place.