I'm the WAW - friends after divorce?

[tojaz]

Sounds spot on to me. After awhile on these forums, you don't need the ins and outs of every single person and their story. It all follows the same pattern. She sounds like just another Ann, except she is claiming no OM. With more digging into her story she would no doubt say that there is someone else, blah, blah, blah.

 

Many stories do follow the same pattern, but I prefer not to read into it. They are all the same and they are all very different. LS has taken on a very bitter tone as of late and just prefer to keep centered I guess.

 

Why leave someone you still have feelings for? Makes absolutely no sense. If one were to spend time and energy on recapturing, the world would be a better place.

 

Couldn't agree more!

TOJAZ

[hopesndreams]

:lmao:Blame the extra snippiness on the holidays!

[floridapad]

Ouch miss WAW.

 

I do hope you find what you are looking for. You said your husband will never change almost as though your decisions are based on him as apposed to some inner desire you may have inside yourself for "something" else. People's wants and desires change constantly through their lifetime. If they always chased their current wants and desires this world would be worse than it already is. You have a great friend in your husband which is hard to find, but you also want a lover. How do you have both after so many years with the same person???? The answer is inside of you!!

 

Don't be selfish.... Let him go.

[CBIIS1]

Damn right its spot on. They're almost all the same these days. Yes, I wouldn't be surprised if their was someone else.

[CBIIS1]

This might backfire on you

 

I was a bachelor for most of my life. When it came to sex the most fun partners were the newly divorced, especially the ones whose only previous experience was with their XH.

 

In most cases both partners in the marriage had tried to avoid the slutty side of sex. The wife had good girl bounderies, she was his wife, not a slut. and the husband had similar bounderies, he didn't want the mother of his childern to be a slut.

 

Once free of the marriage, the woman feels free to expanded her sexuality and begin to explore her slut side. Most women have this thing about monogomy and emotionally attach to one partner at a time. She might try a 3-some, but she still remains attached to her new BF.

 

Then comes the day, when she realizes that it is a rebound affair, her new BF is not interested in a deeper relationship. Now she is the one being hurt. Many a time I have seen them run back to their XH when they defog. She has this new knowledge of sex and she wants to share it with her former best friend, lover and husband, only to find that he too has moved on and it is too late.

 

 

Now that's a nice happilly ever after story. Ah, the new woman!

[SimplyBeingLoved]

I have male friends but I am not romantically involved with anyone. I am looking forward to being single and don't even plan to try dating for a long, long time. I guess I rationalize my husband and I staying friends because that's what we always were and why should that stop now? We haven't had sex in years and were basically living as friends/roommates anyway. Dissolving our marriage is an absolute no-brainer to me. But yeah, I know how it looks. Just because I want more in a relationship does not make him a bad person and I do not blame any of this on him. I have an overwhelming sense of guilt and shame over this whole thing and it took me years to get the guts to finally end things. I know it's easy to make assumptions, but I don't think our situation fits the mold. I'm not asking for your pity - just trying to explain.

 

Welcome to LS. Please put on your abestos suit promptly. You will be guided to the nearest containment room. Be aware, the bitterness is contagious.

 

On a more serious note... I am in a similar situation. Fewer of the people on "this side" post because they are subject to endless bashing, but, there are just as many people on "this side" as the "betrayed" side. And we have our stories to tell. Not all of them involve infidelity, as is assumed, although probably a large percentage do. I imagine people finally wake up to how they feel about their spouse when someone new enters the picture and stirs up feelings they never thought were possible anymore.

 

I feel very similarly about my marriage as you, and have been contemplating "walking away" for some time, but I too, would like to remain friends because friendship has always been the basis of our relationship. At its core, it was not based on romantic love, nor sexual attraction, but a strong friendship. I think it is possible to stay friends but it depends really on how your spouse feels. If the breakup of the marriage is something he really truly doesn't want and he is still in love with you, then staying friends might be very difficult for a long while.

 

However, if the real reason he wants to stay together is for "convenience" or because he doesn't want to be perceived as a failure (what I suspect are the reasons in my hubby's case) then... I do believe it might be possible to retain a friendship and not have it be devastating for him, as all these other posters assume it would be.

[GulfCoastWAW]

I hear you all of you, I do! But at this point staying would be as big a mistake as leaving could be. If I stayed it would be for the wrong reasons. I don't know HOW to open my heart to him anymore. We tried marriage counseling with no success. What else is there? Are those of you advocating that I stay really suggesting that I'm supposed to be happy in a sexless marriage? Am I supposed to continue taking care of the house and yard while my husband plays video games? Am I supposed to be happy in a marriage where I feel like more of an inconvenience than someone who is loved and cherished? I came here not wanting to bash him because he is a good guy (just clueless and emotionally unstable) but hello! This is not simply me being a b*tch. Simply put, my love for him is lost. There is not a single ounce of me that thinks it can ever be found again. He hasn't changed - I have. I grew up. He didn't. Period. We get along, we don't fight, but there is no passion, no connection, no reason to continue as far as I am concerned.

 

I am done defending myself because it's stupid. You all have very valid points but none of it helps me because I have made my decision. Thank you for your time and I wish all of you the very best.

[hopesndreams]

Yeah, you are leaving him, giving up on the M, off to find the greener grass, we get that.

 

Will you still be friends with him? I have the feeling you will be. Poor guy.

[scorpmale001]

i don't understand what u wanted from here....when u already made up ur mind why come over here,when u come to open forum come with open mind ...people take suggestions when they are conflicted..u r obviously not conflicted with ur decision....whts the point....

Edited December 19, 2009 by scorpmale001

[Simon Attwood]

Maybe she is conflicted but she just can't openly admit it to herself so she needed to hear it from someone else?

[dgiirl]

The heartbreaking thing about this whole situation is that although I don't love my husband romantically and don't wish to be married to him, I do value our friendship and I am sad to lose him from my life. I guess it is somewhat foolish to believe we can remain friends, but he does seem receptive to the idea. After giving it some more thought though I have to wonder if that's really the best way to go. I am afraid that he will use our friendship as a means to try and win me back and not move on with his life. But on the other hand, I don't want him to be alone and sink into some kind of horrible depression. Despite the zillion reasons I cannot and will not be married to him, I do honestly care for him so much! I guess I just need some advice and opinions. He doesn't have a strong support system or friends in the area so I am truly worried about him. I'd like to be there for him, but at the same time I am doubting that it's wise or that it will work out.

 

Just for the record, we have been married 8 years and don't have children. Thanks for any advice!

 

I think it all depends on how you two handle the divorce and what are the real reasons you want to remain friends?

 

If the reason you want to remain friends is out of pity for him, then do him a favor and leave. Noone wants to be pitied. It hurts even MORE than being left.

 

If you want to remain friends because you don't want to feel the guilt for leaving, then do him a favor and leave. Trying to escape feeling remorse or guilt for your decision is a selfish act and does not benefit him in the lease. I'm not trying to be mean, but if you are making the decision to end a relationship, then you should be willing to accept all the consequences with that decision, and sometimes feeling guilt and remorse is part of that consequence, your dues for getting out so to speak.

 

If you want to remain friends because you don't want to disrupt your life so much with all these changes at once, then again, it's part of the consequence of your decision and you should accept it and let him fully go.

 

If, however, there truly is some basis for a true friendship, which is hard to achieve after being romantically involved with someone, then in time it might be possible. If the two of you came to a mutual decision to end the marriage it would be a lot easier to save the friendship.

 

However, when the decision is only one-sided, it's a HUGE blow to the self-esteem of the other person and both partners are at different stages of acceptance. The wandering spouse has usually spent years contemplating this decision and grieved the end of their marriage while still married and are now ready to move on, start dating, and living life again.

 

For the betrayed spouse, this is probably the first time they thought about the end of their marriage, and is only starting the grieving process. As you have already noted, in the beginning, the partner might be willing to be friends in hope to keep some kind of connection so that there can be a reconciliation in the future. However, it will be very painful to hear of the wandering partner moving on with their lives, which can hinder their healing.

 

Although you can help facilitate keeping a friendship with your husband, ultimately, the decision is his decision. If you have been truly honest from the beginning and took responsibility for the martial problems instead of shifting blame onto him, and he has accepted the end of the marriage and is ready to move on, then by keeping the door open and always treating him with respect and compassion, you might be able to rebuild the relationship into a new friendship. But there has to be some kind of benefit for the both of you.

 

If you have ever tried to shift the blame onto him or lied or cheated or even made "just friends" with someone new, he will feel betrayed and will have a very hard time justifying any reason to remain friends with you. Friends do not lie, cheat, or treat you like dog pile, the way a lot of marriages end these days.

[scorpmale001]

wow....that is what we call insight

lengthy,but i totally agree with it

Edited December 19, 2009 by scorpmale001

[CBIIS1]

Years ago men beat their wives, cheated on them you name it and women stayed because they felt they had no other choice, tragic. Now we have guys who play video games , hang out in the garage too much, close the curtains because the sun is too bright, tell their wives they need to loose a little weight, blah, blah blah. The new woman freaks out and kills the marriage because its so easy and there is so much to gain financially, equally tragic. Your situation was fixable, very fixable. Somebody forgot to tell you that all these diversions in life were going to put distance between you and he. Nobody told you that romantic love doesn't necessarily stay the same forever. You got sold a bag of goods by the mainstream media. You actually had to work harder a the whole thing. You were supposed to be disappointed at times. There were supposed to be a lot of crappy days. Anyway, he'll find another woman who'll like him for the way he's become. She'll smile at him ,laugh with him and before you know it he'll all but forgotten about you. You probably won't be so lucky but all you had to do was come here and ask about that before you made your move. Leave him alone. He was good enough to stick to a mediocre relationship with you because he felt it was his duty. You defaulted not him. I wouldn't want to be friends with a person of questionable integrity. I would refuse to be friends with you. Leave him alone. You have issues. Go work them out with someone else who deserves you.

Edited December 20, 2009 by CBIIS1

[SimplyBeingLoved]

He was good enough to stick to a mediocre relationship with you because he felt it was his duty. You defaulted not him.

 

Staying out of "duty" but not really working on a relationship is no way to live. Life is too short. Especially if there are no kids in the picture.

[CBIIS1]

There's this thing called commitment. The way it works is, you sign up for life regardless of what it brings. You might end up not liking your partner after 50 years but you bury him or her anyway. If I remember well that's how my grandparents did it. They learned to forgive and forget, were thankful for food and shelter and you never heard talk about their feelings or how they had to "find themselves" because life was too short. It seems to me that no matter who I sleep with I always wake up with the same me. So does the other person. Folks nowadays have this stupid idea about romance and happily ever after. That just isn't true for the majority of folks. Nature simply intended for us to procreate and raise our offspring. Whether we stay eternally horny or gaga over each other wasn't part of the plan. The reason we become disenchanted with each other has more to do with the abundance of diversions and choices society now has to offer. I see plenty of busted marriages but not more hapiness. You want to get good at something, you got to stick to it.

[SimplyBeingLoved]

There's this thing called commitment. The way it works is, you sign up for life regardless of what it brings.

 

That's the way it works for YOU. I don't recall receiving a "Life and Marriage 101" rulebook. Oh... if you want to get biblical on me, don't waste your breath.

You might end up not liking your partner after 50 years but you bury him or her anyway. If I remember well that's how my grandparents did it.

Says who? And... things change. Just because that's how your grandparents did it, doesn't mean that's the way it should be done now. In fact, to be fair, you don't know HOW your grandparents did it. You just know how it looked on the outside.

Nature simply intended for us to procreate and raise our offspring. Whether we stay eternally horny or gaga over each other wasn't part of the plan.... You want to get good at something, you got to stick to it.

Who's plan? Nature? Well "Nature" makes us change and want different things now and then. In fact, "Nature" doesn't lead us to be monogamous.

 

The point is... there ARE no rules. People are gonna do what they want to do. Thank Heaven. There are no rules, but there are consequences. I'm not interested in some arbitrary rules. I'm interested in real potential consequences.