hoopsman3d Posted December 20, 2003 Share Posted December 20, 2003 I have been dating my girlfriend for three and a half years. I feel that we have a pretty good relationship, most of the time. We have only one small issue that seems to come up over and over again. I'm curious to get other opinions and possibly some feedback on what other's have done in similar situations. In our relationship there seems to be one thing that comes up over and over again, and it's the topic of nudity. In the beginning of our relationship my current girlfriend was OK with watching movies that showed nudity, however she was completely against the idea of personal contact with naked women such as strippers. However, this disgust with nudity seems to be growing larger and larger the longer we are together. It has become so bad that we actually will not rent a movie or go to see a movie if there is a chance of nudity just to prevent a fight, and furthermore she is becoming more and more adamant about me not seeing women in bikinis, and sometimes freaks out about me seeing even a fleeting glance of cleavage on television or in a magazine. Sadly it has even gotten to the point that she questions me about 'being good' when I go out with friends or just to the mall to make a purchase (being good meaning did I see any attractive women or cleavage). I am not a jealous person and do not reciprocate the behavior in any way. I have never cheated on her, nor do I ever plan to. When we very first started dating I did occasionally look at porn which she found out about and I subsequently stopped doing (which she still brings up to this day). Most of the time we are very happy and very much in love, but this subject comes up and it seems like it could be our only source of undoing. Now we have been discussing possible marriage in the 12-18 month time period and she is pressuring me to propose. I am torn on this issue because her distrust of me really hurts and I tell her that I will propose when I feel that she trusts me and she argues that she won't trust me until she knows I will marry her.... Now I ask my questions. What can I do to find a happy medium so I don't have to turn my head while watching a simple television series? Is there any possible explaination for this behavior? Any suggestions on how to handle this behavior? Does anyone have personal experience that may help me in my pursuit of happinees? I have tried dozens of times to explain that I love her and a naked or partially naked girl on TV will not affect my love for her. She still maintains that if I look it's a sign that she's not good enough and has even threatened to break it off if she catches me ever looking at naked women. I dearly love her, but I'm getting fed up with this childish behavior. If anyone has any suggestions or comments please post replies. Thanks BR Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 20, 2003 Share Posted December 20, 2003 She's got major self-esteem issues. She needs to get to a counsellor to learn to ease up. Her behaviour is way over the top. She still maintains that if I look it's a sign that she's not good enough This is not logical. It's an example of troubled thinking. Either suggest she see a counsellor or offer to go to a marriage counsellor with he. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted December 20, 2003 Share Posted December 20, 2003 I strongly echo Moimeme's post. It's been my experience that couples are more jealous or insecure earlier in the relationship and as trust and confidence is built the jealously diminshes. Your gf sounds like she has the opposit reaction and this has something to do with her. She could be influenced by friends or family and the experiences they share with her, or it could be a lot of other things. Whatever the cause, a good counselor should be able to help her discover what it is that is triggering this response and help her to deal with it. Counseling for her and for the two of you as a couple would almost certainly be beneficial. Getting married is not a cure for low self esteem or for trust or insecurity issues -- it only magnifies them. Link to post Share on other sites
Cariel Posted December 20, 2003 Share Posted December 20, 2003 I STRONGLY agree with the other replies...your gf has serious self-esteem issues and they aren't going to get better or go away without counseling on her part. (From your post, I'd say you don't need the counseling, tho it would be beneficial for you to participate to understand exactly WHY she has these issues). I've never understood why so many people think that existing problems will improve with marriage or co-habitation...that old saw, "Familiarity breeds contempt" is tailor-made for these situations. If one partner is having difficulty dealing with something prior to a major committment, it nearly always becomes a much bigger deal later. In the meantime, either insist on some counseling or get the hell out of this relationship. Trust me, it's easier now than it will be after 1 - 20 years of married "bliss". Much luck. Link to post Share on other sites
MarieW Posted December 21, 2003 Share Posted December 21, 2003 Hi, I agree with everyone. I'm a female much like your girlfriend and I hate being this way. The reason I'm like this is because I was raped at the age of seventeen and I have developed this huge self esteem problem. I also spent a year doing glamour modelling and got a lot of attention from "undesirable" males which made me realise the power of sex/nudity. My boyfriend of two years is a great guy, he is kind, gentle and whilst he does find other women attractive he does not look at porn etc, he loves films but doesn't watch them for nude scenes and when he sees one he is actually quite bored and wants the storyline to continue, he is faithful to me, finds me attractive, is attentive and cuddly, pretty much how you sound...but still i have a problem with nudity just like your girlfriend. And like yourselves, when we first got together I could watch any film with him but when I fell in love with him the insecurity reared it's ugly ( very ugly actually ) head! Our sex life is great, I am very adventurous and certainly no prude but this issue about other naked women is because I'm so scared he will find them more attractive than me and then see me as a lesser woman. I didn't used to be able to watch films if they had even the briefest bit of nudity in them. Your girlfriend probably feels the same as I did and I'll try to explain; We'd be watching a film, a couple start making out - I'd be feeling nervous, "oh no is she gonna take her clothes off", she removes her top and they start having sex and by this point I'd be feeling literally sick and thinking "oh no he's going to think she's so much better looking than me" then I'd freak out and insist we turn off the film. I realise how irrational my behaviour is, I haven't seen a counselor but I'm working on my self esteem. I tell myself this... I'm a good looking woman, I'm clever and good at my job, most men are decent, just because I've had bad experiences in the past doesn't mean all men are the same. I'm at the stage now where I can watch most films ( unless they are porn ) and can cope with brief nudity. What helped me is realising that my bf loves me, desires me and wants only me and the women who strip in the films are just doing a job, they have special lighting, air brushing and lots of makeup to make them look good, so whilst a lot of them are still attractive in real life, they are still only normal with spots, cellulite etc like any other woman. Thankfully my bf realises this and doesn't compare me to a seemingly perfect celluloid image. At the end of the day, there could be the most gorgeous woman on the tv with no clothes on and you may secretly think "wow" but are you gonna leave your gf and run off to hollywood, meet the actress in question, get her interested in you, find out she doesn't actually look that good in real life and live happily ever after? No you aren't!!! Your gf needs to realise this. Be patient with her and reassure her how much you love her and desire her, tell her she is beautiful. Tell her how her self esteem problem is bothering you and make her get help, if she can't help herself then she needs to see a counsellor. Don't get angry, remember that this is a genuine problem in her eyes and no matter how silly it seems to you, she is hurting because of it. She wants marriage because she thinks t will make her feel more secure but it won't make a lot of difference. Okay so she has a ring on her finger but there's still naked women on the TV. Don't get married until you have sorted this problem out. I hope this helps, sorry it's so long but wanted you to see this from an insecure female's point of view. Best Wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
FreeMe Posted December 29, 2003 Share Posted December 29, 2003 Ugh - I have this same problem - I read this carefully to make sure you weren't my boyfriend! It's horrible to feel the way she does. But you also shouldn't be censored. She needs counseling. If you really love her, please try to be patient and reassuring, but strongly suggest counseling. Link to post Share on other sites
tac719 Posted January 2, 2004 Share Posted January 2, 2004 Scary! Your GF could be my wife! I have the same problem. Any form of nudity in movies is avoided at all cost. If there is the posibility of it on tv or in a movie she expects me to turn my head. Makes you feel like a 5 year old! Like you can't handle it even though for the previous 25 years of my life, I can't remember jumping up and humping everything in site after seeing it. Even getting angry when there is to much skin on the television, women in bikinis or womens backsides because that implies she may turnaround or that you know she is naked on the front side. Ok got that out. There must have been some major sort of trauma that occured in her past (your GF) and she needs to confront it with counceling, because if she doesn't she will start to loose everything that is important in her life (YOU). It's a terrible tragedy. I believe, even though she hasn't told me directly, that my wife suffered either some extreme molestation as a child or she was raped as a child. Even though you want to empathize as much as you can, it will become impossible over time unless she deals with it. In my case it has gotten a little better but I believe that is because she is currently on an MAO inhibitor for mild depression she has suffered recently. I constantly (and hate it) wonder what life would be like on my own, because I have become so resentful. It permiates into your everyday life. I also get the "be good" statements all the time. I hate the fact that she belittles herself into believing I would find others more appealing than her and just leave. My wife is very beautiful, holds a Masters Degree and makes more money than I do! To be honest I'm not sure what can be done for someone who feels this way. I applaud the woman in the previous post who has overcome it somewhat, I can't imagine the willpower. I sometimes think my wife doesn't want to overcome it because it is to painful for her to deal with. If you could respond back, I would like to compare notes and ideas. Thanks! Bet your neck hurts! Link to post Share on other sites
jordkorn Posted November 23, 2005 Share Posted November 23, 2005 I just recently broke up with my girlfriend and she was the exact same way and I could not understand it at all. i loved her very much but could not deal with this it was like i was 10 years old. i had to go with her to rent a movie that was not rated R. it drove me crazy and we would fight about it all the time and sometimes i think that had to do with the break up she was nice but a little to extreme. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted November 23, 2005 Share Posted November 23, 2005 No offense, but if you were the girl, and your g/f were the boy every poster on here would be telling you to dump [him] because he is controlling, insecure, etc. Instead, I think, you are encouraged to be kind to her emotional needs... Talk about double standards. That rant aside, I would firmly but gently state in no uncertain terms to her that this behavior stops now, and that you have no intention of going forward with her until it does. If she has esteem issues, tell her to get herself to the gym to work them out, or give her a list of actions she can take that you guarantee will make sure you never have a roving eye... But long term, I would NOT be with this woman. At some point, her emotions will overcome her, she will spiral down, and she will give up. Absent this being fixed, staying with this woman is doom. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted November 23, 2005 Share Posted November 23, 2005 The original post is two years old. Really no need to reply now. Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted November 23, 2005 Share Posted November 23, 2005 I have noticed this as well. I have seen where alot of old posts from years ago are being brought back to the front page. Its really pointless to bring old post back. I agree with ya OutCast. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted November 23, 2005 Share Posted November 23, 2005 Why does she think that if you marry her that is going to make the trust issue go away... I don't see how this will fix the problem maybe she thinks by you marrying her you are putting yourself in a commitment maybe she thinks you have a phobea about commitment!!!! She needs to work through this issue before you should marry her...Have you done anything to make her not trust you ? Good luck hope it all works out!! Link to post Share on other sites
manders_01 Posted November 23, 2005 Share Posted November 23, 2005 I have noticed this as well. I have seen where alot of old posts from years ago are being brought back to the front page. Its really pointless to bring old post back. I agree with ya OutCast. But after reading this and knowing it is old, aren't you curious to know what happened? I am. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted November 23, 2005 Share Posted November 23, 2005 The person has only ever posted once - December two years ago. You will NOT find out what happened. We can't dredge up all half-million old threads just to ask 'so what happened'! Cripes. Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted November 23, 2005 Share Posted November 23, 2005 The person has only ever posted once - December two years ago. You will NOT find out what happened. We can't dredge up all half-million old threads just to ask 'so what happened'! Cripes. Exactly! It would be different if the person had returned. Then we might could find out what happned. The sad thing is sometimes people will post here looking for advice, they get it,then they never show back up. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted November 23, 2005 Share Posted November 23, 2005 Exactly! It would be different if the person had returned. Then we might could find out what happned. The sad thing is sometimes people will post here looking for advice, they get it,then they never show back up. Jade Your right about that Jade whats the point in posting if you aren't going to go back and check the responses and reply to them !!! Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted November 24, 2005 Share Posted November 24, 2005 You don't know they didn't check back. But they probably don't hang around for another few years after. Link to post Share on other sites
silly little girl Posted January 12, 2006 Share Posted January 12, 2006 My fiance and I are kinda in the same boat you two are. I have a problem with nudity myself while he doesn't. It's really hard to deal with. I mean, I don't freak out over cleavage or anything but I would much rather not see naked women in movies. I've never really been comfortable with it. The only advice I can give you is try and see it from her point of view. I know when I try and talk to my fiance about it, he gets really mad at me about my intolerance to it and doesn't understand why I can't just change and accept it. That's what hurts the most, him ignoring my point of view. Sometimes there are some deep rooted problems, like child abuse in the past, that alters the reasoning in women. For me, living with three brothers, I've had to endure years of them picking apart women. It's really uncomfortable, for me anyway, to sit and watch these perfect women on television. Women compare themselves to every other women they see, from my point of view. I guess all I'm saying is, is just try and see it from her point of view. Don't be defensive when she tries to talk to you about it. that seems like ou have something to be guilty about. I don't know if this helps any but good luck. And if all else fails, you could both seek couple counciling. Maybe something could come up that you both didn't know about and could help the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
MissD213 Posted January 13, 2006 Share Posted January 13, 2006 yes, again like everyone else said she has self-esteem issues. do you tell her that she's beautiful and all that? i'm sure you do or have a lot so it's weird that it wouldn't get through to her by now. when me and my bf of a few years started dating i could care less, we'd go to the mall and i'd say "ooh look at that butt"..no big deal, who cares every boy is going to look as long as they don't touch. now that i have really strong feelings i'll feel a little weird if he's like "damn, she's hot" or whatever but deal with it. i'm sure she's no princess and thinks guys are attractive. it's human nature man. i dont know if im answering your question or not but everyone looks. i read in a magazine one thing to never try to change on a man is him looking at other women. it's in the male genetics. my boyfriend and i will go out to dinner and he'll randomlly look at the waitressess butt. i'll sit there and wait for it and when he looks up and see's me looking at him and realises what he did he'll be like whoops. but who cares, if shes an attractive girl she shouldn't have to worry. tell her to stop judging herself and that you love her for who she is. maybe once she hears it enough, she'll come to realise it's no big deal. i know i have. Link to post Share on other sites
sparticuss Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 The original post is two years old. Really no need to reply now. The post may be but its relevance is up to the minite. Control frreaks like this are still common. So too are the double standards where the guy who calls a gf who likes wearing skimpy gear a slut is an abuser and a control freak but a girl who kicks up a stink about a bf who looks at such girls should be handled with kid gloves. I think not. Link to post Share on other sites
Starling2003 Posted January 28, 2006 Share Posted January 28, 2006 Lol. good thing someone mentioned that this was an old post!!! Lol...I wasn't even paying attention...just looking...lol...how funny...yeah, I wonder what happened because my bf and I go through the same issues as well. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 If you partner scorns you repeatedly then it's not a good relationship, they don't respect you, and you should dump them like a hot potato. I guess if the scorn was for your herion addiction or serial cheating, it would be justified, but otherwise it's a big sign to leave. Link to post Share on other sites
J.R Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 leave her already bro Link to post Share on other sites
cal gal Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 That's what hurts the most, him ignoring my point of view. I think a man is being disrespectful if he is blatantly ignoring your point of view. Sometimes the disrespect can spill over into other important areas of your relationship. It's really uncomfortable, for me anyway, to sit and watch these perfect women on television. Women compare themselves to every other women they see, from my point of view. As a woman myself, I have never compared myself to other women, and don't allow myself to feel inferior. There are wonderful things about you that I'm sure make you beautiful. If you compare, then you are defeated before you get out of bed.... look at all of your beauty, instead of beating yourself up too much. QUOTE] Link to post Share on other sites
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