Will this ever change?

[now_what]

I know I've told my story before - I'm getting pretty good at it: after 30 years of marriage, my husband sent me an email at work telling me he had moved out of the house. He moved in with an older biker woman he had known for two months and married her two weeks after our divorce was final. He married this woman without ever breathing a word about her to our children - ages 26, 24 and 16. He married her 7 months after he left me and it has been 8 months since we divorced.

 

Anyhow my issue. My ex is still afraid to talk to me. After he left he did not speak to me for 4 1/2 months. He would only email. He did start talking to me when we started meeting at the attorney's office and after that he would actually pick up a phone and speak. But that has changed. The last time I saw and spoke to him was last May. We had talked on the phone that day and met at our daughter's band concert - I had a check for him and he had some papers for me. Since then when I call him concerning our daughter, he will not answer the phone, and will only respond by email.

 

Is this the way it's always going to be? I told him we could still be around each other as parents to our children, and I have no problem seeing him. But, I feel like he is shunning me and it seems like our 30+ years together never existed and mean nothing. It just leaves me feeling empty. Our daughter is now a junior in school and I'm already thinking ahead to graduation. Will he hide from me after the ceremony, when the natural thing to do would be for us both to be around our daughter. It seems now like he avoids many events because I will be there. I don't care if he's there, I don't even care if his wife is there. I hate to think that this is how it's always going to be. Any advice on how to deal with this situation?

[tVII]

don't lie in questions like: "how could he forget what we had" the sad truth and reality is: people change. sometimes for the best and sometimes for the worst. keep that in your head and move on. concentrate on being there for your daughter. ur a very strong woman although you may 'feel' weak, you're very strong for taking this.

[GrayClouds]

Will this change most likely NO. Sorry hate to say it but your ex old man is like a an AMF made Harley Davidson, it may look good enough but it is really just a big piece of $hit. Fact is the relationship is over, he does not want one with you..Again it is wrong and sucks but that is where your at now. Stop trying to have one with him.

 

The best thing you can do it to focus on you and your child. How well you handle this now will teach your daughter more about self worth and perseverance then anything you will ever say to her. Beside she has a $hitty dad she does not need a mom obsessing about a $hitty dad. Hopefully he will want to be in her life, make that available for him but understand that does not mean he will have a realtionship with you (except for the interaction regarding the child)

 

Again I am really sorry for your loss people should not treat each other this way but they do. His actions does not define your worth, your actions from here out will.

 

 

 

.

[hopesndreams]

You shouldn't care so much. He wants a relationship with the kids, it's down to him to seek it out. It is not your responsibility. Quit the emails. Be thankful you don't have to talk to him or see him. You are coming along really well considering you spent 30 years with this man. Part of that is because he is not communicating with you.

 

He's gone. Let him be--it's the greatest gift you can give to yourself. Banish him from your thoughts. Tough, I know, I struggle with it too but it's the only way.

[now_what]

I still need to have some contact, mostly of an informative nature about our daughter since he is obligated to pay half the costs of her school activities and medical expenses that insurance does not cover. I'm not emailing just to chit chat

 

I have a theory about why he doesn't talk to me. I think it stirs up old feelings in him. When we have talked you wouldn't know that anything was wrong. Last February he called me from an ambulance when he fell and cracked his head on the ice. My first reaction was that I needed to go be with him. And then I thought, no - you left me, you wanted to be with someone else, call her. He called me several times that day to say he was ok. He sounded like he still wanted my help and wanted me to care. I thought maybe there was a glimmer of hope, but then he backed way off and his communications took on a terse business like tone. And then he married his old hillbilly biker woman - my older daughter's description, not mine - I think he's husband number four for her. Whatever. I will try not to think about him and let his being such a chicken **** affect my life.

[GrayClouds]

 

I have a theory about why he doesn't talk to me.

 

You may be right, you may be wrong. It it could be guilt, it could be it makes the new one upset if he does, it could be he had no feelings at all, he could he is just focused on his new life. Maybe all of the above. And that is the answer to your questions and most of the others you will have "You do not know". It is very unsatisfying That is one of the things that is so hard about a break-up.

 

Like you said it does not matter and a waste of energy speculating on the resons. It one of those "thought" that thinking about hold you back from healing and moving forward.

 

Break-ups leaves so many unknowns; why it happen, will I make it through the next hour,-day-month, what the future will bring. That is why the only thing you can do is focus on the known... you and yours.

 

Good luck, you will do well.

[now_what]

Yeah, the unknowns are what really get to me and get me down sometimes. I try not to worry about the future, but I have been trying to formulate a plan for when I no longer receive child support. Sometimes I just feel like he just decided to have a new life with no regards for the impact on others. I just don't understand how someone could do that. Never in a million years could I remove myself from the lives of my children, especially one that is still living at home. He is just missing so much. We have shared parenting, but we don't really share anything except expenses. He has not actually seen our younger daughter since July, and only spoken to her once when she had the flu. He is seeing her on Sunday to exchange Christmas gifts. He did come to our grandson's 1st birthday party with his wife and my daughter said his "woman" kept whispering in his ear the entire time they were at the party. My daughter had two separate parties, one for our family and one for her husband's family because of space constraints. Now, our granddaughter's birthday is Monday and he has been invited to the party, but I know he won't come. They just moved into there first home so there is room for everyone now, but my older daughter is a little ticked at him. She asked for some help with the house and moving, but he said he didn't do that kind of thing anymore. Heck her husband's divorced parents were there along my son-in-law's mother's fiance and they all managed to work together on the house. It just hurts that he feels like he can't even be around me.

 

I guess I should take everyone's advice and not concern myself with what he is doing and focus exclusively on what I am doing. I can't control what he has done and the affects on his relationship with his children is something he will have to live with, not me.

 

Oh well, it's girl's night here, although every night is really girl's night with just me and my daughter here. My granddaughter is over for the night and my daughter's best friend is here for a few days at least. Our house is the place to be lol.

[now_what]

OK, I lied. Some things he does just bug the hell out of me. I guess tomorrow he is meeting my younger daughter at our older daughter's house to exchange gifts. He isn't even picking up the younger one for lunch like they used to do. He is going to be there about 45 minutes, because I'm sure he will leave before my granddaughter's birthday party for her friends starts. You would think he could plan some type of get together for the kids, instead of just meeting briefly. I know, I should be glad he's doing that, but I just see him distancing himself from his children. I'm thinking one of these days he will just disappear.

 

I feel like this is my fault. Since my ex decided he did not love me anymore and wanted a new life, my kids don't really have their dad in their lives anymore. I know I'm being silly, but sometimes that's how I feel.

[GrayClouds]

OK, I lied. Some things he does just bug the hell out of me. I guess tomorrow he is meeting my younger daughter at our older daughter's house to exchange gifts. He isn't even picking up the younger one for lunch like they used to do. He is going to be there about 45 minutes, because I'm sure he will leave before my granddaughter's birthday party for her friends starts. You would think he could plan some type of get together for the kids, instead of just meeting briefly. I know, I should be glad he's doing that, but I just see him distancing himself from his children. I'm thinking one of these days he will just disappear.

 

I feel like this is my fault. Since my ex decided he did not love me anymore and wanted a new life, my kids don't really have their dad in their lives anymore. I know I'm being silly, but sometimes that's how I feel.

 

At this point forward stop thinking about HE. What HE does , what HE does not do, what HE should do, what HE should have done, what HE will do, what HE will not do. STOP

 

IT IS ABOUT YOU. At this point forward stop thinking about YOU. What YOU does , what YOU does not do, what YOU should do, what YOU should have done, what YOU will do, what YOU will not do.

 

The future is no longer about anything but you. As long as you keep thinking about him your wasting now and shortening future. How great that future will be is directly proportionate to how much you focus on what is you now.

 

That hold true for taking care of you children. Your only influence on your children is how much of a quality parent YOU are to them. The worst he is the more important you are. So again it is about YOU not HE.

 

What are 5 things in the next 5 days are YOU going to do to become a better YOU. Join a gym, start a class, find a councilor, start a new hobbies, join a book club, learn to ride mountain bike, take a dance class, volunteer to ring a bell, a daily 1/2 walk... I can not wait to hear!

Edited December 19, 2009 by GrayClouds

[now_what]

OK GreyClouds thanks for the pep talk.

 

And now I will get him out of my system once and for all - He's a low down dirty dog, I hate his guts, how could he have done this to me and our family. He is the most selfish piece of **** to walk this earth. How could he prefer being with an old hillbilly biker woman so he can live the fantasy that he is a biker. He's not a biker, he's a poser and he's alienating friends and family left and right who think he has lost his mind. How could he be such a chicken *** that he could not even tell me he wanted to go. He didn't need to sneak out on me and our daughter to shack up with his biker wh***. I was not happy at all with him at that time I probably would have told him to just go. I told him to figure out what he wanted in life, because I was sure it was not me, but couldn't he have waited until we were not married to start his new life? I didn't give him carte blanche to go start a new relationship while we were still together. I hate you for cheating on me, and then having the nerve to tell me "she's not some young thing" yeah that makes me feel better you left me for an older woman. How dare you leave me facing a future of financial uncertainly? Your financial obligation to your daughter ends in 18 months, and then you're on easy street, but the problems just begin for me. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. I hope you never speak to me again, and if you hurt our children from disappearing from their lives I will hate you even more. Your own dad did that to you and hurt you to the core. Why are you repeating the very thing that you said caused you such heart ache?

 

OK, I'm done now.

 

Tomorrow I will think of the five things I'm going to do to improve myself and start a new life for myself. A life that will always include my children and grandchildren. And what's funny. I think I have this crazy idea in my head that the kids should be close to their dad. But they are not close to their dad, they never really have been, because at times he was very selfish, stand-offish, mean, grumpy, unreasonable. They don't really care if he's not around that much and that makes me sad. He said he loves them and is very proud of them, but he's not very good at expressing himself, never has been. When we were married, I wanted to go to counseling to try to fix things, but he didn't think our marriage was worth even trying to save and that hurts most of all.

[GrayClouds]

Tomorrow I will think of the five things I'm going to do to improve myself and start a new life for myself. A life that will always include my children and grandchildren. And what's funny. I think I have this crazy idea in my head that the kids should be close to their dad. But they are not close to their dad, they never really have been, because at times he was very selfish, stand-offish, mean, grumpy, unreasonable. They don't really care if he's not around that much and that makes me sad. He said he loves them and is very proud of them, but he's not very good at expressing himself, never has been. When we were married, I wanted to go to counseling to try to fix things, but he didn't think our marriage was worth even trying to save and that hurts most of all.

 

Still 5 "I's" and 5 "He's"... that 50%. Starting tomorrow we are going to start thinking at 9 "I's" for every 1 "He's" or 90%.

 

Remember it is about you , you and your kids, and you and your great new life. He made a bd choice, you get to make great ones.

Edited December 20, 2009 by GrayClouds

[now_what]

OK, let's try this:

 

He is a piece of crap.

 

I am not a piece of crap.

I am always there for my kids, always have been, always will be.

I am the one who taught my children to drive and was there when they all passed their driving tests.

I am the one who has NEVER missed a football game, parade, band concert.

I am the one who was there when both of my grandchildren were born, helping my daughter get through labor.

I am the one who wouldn't have missed my son's graduation from college for the world.

I am the one who had to tell my then 15 year old daughter that her dad had moved out on us and held her as we cried.

I am the one who had to tell my 16 year old daughter that her beloved dog had died while she was away at band camp and held her as we cried again.

I am the one who let my daughter and her family move in with me when they were between their apartment and their new house.

I am the one who my son called from South Carolina saying his car had been in a flood and wondered what to do.

I am the one who was always where I was supposed to be, doing what I was supposed to be doing through thirty years of marriage: cooking, cleaning, caring, consoling, loving.

I am NOT the one who had a midlife crisis and decided to be a biker.

I am the one who doesn't have to hide from my family, because I am ashamed of my actions.

 

So, I'm tooting my own horn, I have 13 I's.

[Boundary Problem]

OK, let's try this:

 

He is a piece of crap.

 

I am not a piece of crap.

I am always there for my kids, always have been, always will be.

I am the one who taught my children to drive and was there when they all passed their driving tests.

I am the one who has NEVER missed a football game, parade, band concert.

I am the one who was there when both of my grandchildren were born, helping my daughter get through labor.

I am the one who wouldn't have missed my son's graduation from college for the world.

I am the one who had to tell my then 15 year old daughter that her dad had moved out on us and held her as we cried.

I am the one who had to tell my 16 year old daughter that her beloved dog had died while she was away at band camp and held her as we cried again.

I am the one who let my daughter and her family move in with me when they were between their apartment and their new house.

I am the one who my son called from South Carolina saying his car had been in a flood and wondered what to do.

I am the one who was always where I was supposed to be, doing what I was supposed to be doing through thirty years of marriage: cooking, cleaning, caring, consoling, loving.

I am NOT the one who had a midlife crisis and decided to be a biker.

I am the one who doesn't have to hide from my family, because I am ashamed of my actions.

 

So, I'm tooting my own horn, I have 13 I's.

 

 

Best post of the year.

[GrayClouds]

OK, let's try this:

 

He is a piece of crap.

 

I am not a piece of crap.

I am always there for my kids, always have been, always will be.

I am the one who taught my children to drive and was there when they all passed their driving tests.

I am the one who has NEVER missed a football game, parade, band concert.

I am the one who was there when both of my grandchildren were born, helping my daughter get through labor.

I am the one who wouldn't have missed my son's graduation from college for the world.

I am the one who had to tell my then 15 year old daughter that her dad had moved out on us and held her as we cried.

I am the one who had to tell my 16 year old daughter that her beloved dog had died while she was away at band camp and held her as we cried again.

I am the one who let my daughter and her family move in with me when they were between their apartment and their new house.

I am the one who my son called from South Carolina saying his car had been in a flood and wondered what to do.

I am the one who was always where I was supposed to be, doing what I was supposed to be doing through thirty years of marriage: cooking, cleaning, caring, consoling, loving.

I am NOT the one who had a midlife crisis and decided to be a biker.

I am the one who doesn't have to hide from my family, because I am ashamed of my actions.

 

So, I'm tooting my own horn, I have 13 I's.

 

 

I like it.

 

And actually counted 19 95%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are going to be better then fine!

 

Can't wait to hear the 5 things. AND KEEP TOOTING

Edited December 20, 2009 by GrayClouds

[now_what]

My thanks to all supporters. Hopefully in 2010, I can be of some use to someone instead of whining about my troubles lol.