My sister hates me, but I'm actually worried about her!

[Karena85]

Hey I was hoping someone could help me out with a problem I've been having at home or at least find others in the same situation. I have a younger sister who has always lived at home. I've been away for the last 3 years studying in a different city. At first when I'd come back for the holidays my sister would be quite pleasant to me, we'd go shopping or do other things together but now that I'm back for good (or until I decide on what I'm going to do next year) she's suddenly changed her attitude towards me. She has decided, by means I can't quite establish, that I'm making her life miserable. The only communication I get from her is when I'm called a loser, (I have "loser friends", a "loser degree" a "loser face" and so on...). She's contantly having a go at me, pulling the fingers, throwing stuff around my room, telling me to go back up north because everyone hates me here (while my lovely parents listen in silence). I sat her down to talk about it as I thought,

 

1. She's not used to having me around and competing with my parents for attention, and,

 

2. Something was up in her life that she wan't happy about.

 

I just got told the reason was "coz I'm sick of you're crap". But I can honestly say, since figuring talking to her won't work, I've stayed completely out of her way and can't think what im actually doing, other than existing, that bothers her so much.

 

It's getting worse now as she recently she's started making up stories to others, for example she told my parents my treatment of her makes her feel suicidal, and she told her close friend I threatened her with a knife. I was so worried when i heard this that I told my parents she needed help but my parents believe that "whether or not I mean to I must be doing something and maybe I should move out" or another one "its between you and her, nothing to do with us".

 

I know I need to keep on at my parents to get her into some kind of councelling but i've gotten to the stage now where I'm finding it so hard to want to help her when she's treating me like this, we live in a smallish town and it's hard to think that so many people think i'm a bad person because of the lies my sister has told them.

 

So I'm wondering, if talking to my sister doesn't help, and talking to my parents doesn't help what should I do next. I'm normally quite happy about myself in general but it's getting to the stage now where if I get called a loser one more time I may just believe it.

 

Also, and more importantly, how do I convince my parents to listen to my side and realize that my sister needs serious help (At the moment, as they mostly believe her side they suggest it's me thats needs it!) because being this angry can't be much fun, and I believed her when she said she was feeling suicidal, just know it wasn't as a direct result of me.

[purpleone]

your sister sounds exactly like myy sister. she hasnt talked to me in almost 2 years except to curse at me, yell at me, etc

i ignore her because im afraid of her and she gets violent to me

 

its not right sisters are supposed to be best friends especially once when get past highschool age. there is no more need for parental attention and competition. 10 yr old sisters fight but after age 16 they should not

 

u should find a way to make peace. you guys are lucky u have siblings. think ABOUT IT when ur parents are not around anyymore u will only have eachother. she should be happy ur back home. maybe something is mentally wrong with her. maybe shes posessed. and the lying about u is not nice

 

how old is she? my sister often would lie abouut me. something has gotten into her. she does not love u if she treats u like this.

[Karena85]

Yeah the parental competition is kind of old. We did it when we were kids, then we grew up and started getting along but all that suddenly changed. I think at 22 (her) and 24 (me) we don't really need our parents as much as we used to. I know in my case, being away from home for the last 5 years (2 overseas, 3 studying) has given me independence so I know for me im not concerned if my sister is getting the majority of attention from my parents, she probably needs it, I don't really.

I'd really like to make peace, we used to get along so well, and we have alot in common, it's good to have someone around that you can hang out with. I'm trying to encourage her to find some hobbies, as at the moment she works once a week and spends the rest of her life in bed or on facebook. However everything I suggest is "lame". Their must be something mentally wrong with her if she's that unenthusiastic about everything.

So how do I make peace with her? That's the bit I'm struggling with!

[Norman Bates]

This might sounds strange, but could it be that she is upset that you have to leave all the time? Maybe its kind of like a defence mechanism so she doesnt get hurt the next time you leave.

[Karena85]

Yeah I was thinking it's possibly the fact that she'd like to leave home and do something with her life too. She might resent the fact that I've travelled to so many places she's never been to, made friends in other cities/countries, stuff like that. I think she probably lacks the courage though because my parents have always done everything for her. I'm know my parents are encouraging her to at least move into a flat, and they also gave her the details of some people that could get her jobs overseas. But no luck so far!!

[Shuffty]

From the point of view of the younger sister in this scenario (which is weirdly similar...);

 

My sister (18 months older) went away to uni for 5 years and when she came back I basically just wanted her to f**k off and leave me alone. I didn't hate her (and I wasn't as rude/mean to her as your sister is to you), but she expected everything to be the same and for her to be 'the older sister', when as far as I was concerned, she didn't live there anymore and shouldn't be telling me what to do/how things are (God knows she still tried).

 

And honestly, every time she wanted to 'have a talk', I wanted to run a mile in the opposite direction. It invariably ended up with her crying and pouring her feelings out to me, and she wasn't happy until I was crying too, through sheer frustration and exhaustion that she insisted upon having these marathon talks about 'my behaviour' (Should I really be staying over at my boyfriend's? After all I was only 20 years old...). I'm not saying that's what you do to your sister, but speaking as the younger sibling, I'd have prefered it if she just told me where to shove it and argued a bit, instead of being holier-than-thou and trying desperately to avoid confrontation. Sometimes it clears the air, and it's a hell of a lot healthier than extended crying sessions that are apparently unavoidable, not sure why...

 

Basically, in a round about, self-ranting, sort of way, I'm trying to say: Your sister doesn't hate you. And I don't think there's 'something mentally wrong with her' either. I didn't hate my sister (that word still creeps up occasionally though, I honestly can't take the drama...) but I did want her to stop trying so hard, it got patronising, her trying to fix everything all the time and be in charge. And maybe there's a slight 'golden child' situation going on with you (please don't take offense to that - I mean it from her POV), sometimes it can be difficult if it seems like your sibling is 'the good one' - not an easy relationship to work with, I'll grant you.

[Karena85]

Hmm I dunno. I've thought about it but I guess I'm not really that kind of sister. I've never really though of us as having those "older sibling" and "younger sibling" roles, maybe because she looks so much older most people asume she is infact the oldest, or we are twins. I'm really not that interested in where she's going and who with because we have such entirely different sets of friends. I think the only time i give her advice or help her out is when she askes me. I guess my family are quite set in their ways. I know she gets annoyed if i cook a meal our family have never tried before (she goes straight to mcdonalds) but apart from that I don't really try and change things either because I'm well aware this is not my home, my family have made that well and truely clear! I guess you see things from the younger siblings point of view and me from the oldest. I do see where your coming from but think the issue may be more the fact that im actually here at all rather than what im doing while being here! But I'm leaving again in a few weeks - this time to find work overseas so could be awhile before i see her again.

[Shuffty]

People think me and my sister are twins too, it's weird... especially since I think we look nothing alike

 

I'm sorry your home doesn't feel like your home, I know how that feels too, I'm using it as an incentive to move on with my life. I love my family and I would miss my home, but you have to leave at some point, right? I tend to think me and my sister would get on better if we didn't live together.

 

Perhaps your sister just needs to grow up. I think that's what happened to me, I remember feeling like I wanted my sister to get lost and her just being there got on my nerves - for no particular reason I can recall. I think I did just grow up a bit and got over myself, maybe she did a bit aswell because we do get on better now (that said we had a screaming row about something the other day, but I'm sure it doesn't happen as often as it used to!) So, it might just take a bit of time for her to, y'know, grow up.

 

Also, I take back what I said, I think there is something wrong with her if she prefers McDonalds to home cooked food!

 

Just kidding

[Karena85]

Haha yeah me and my sister may look alike but man are our styles different!!

Yeah I think she'll get there, she seems kinda stuck now like she's not sure what to do with her life but I think she's at least realized that now and is slowly starting to get together some ideas.

Hmmm McDonalds is pretty good.....and my cooking is rather average so she may just have good reason not to eat it haha!

Well I've just been on holiday in Australia, and I loved it, so its quite possible next year I will travel back with my CV. I think I'll get along well with my family if we aren't all in each other faces (or countries)!!