What's with mom's NEVER liking their son's wives/girlfriends?

[Sam Spade]

I'm sure I'll here a handful "it's not true, i get along with my mother in law just fine, blah, blah,blah, blah", but undeniably there seems to be just a deeply wired resentment that for whatever reason simply oozes from mother in laws to be!

 

My own mom just pissed me off by passing judgement on my gf (much like with the previous one), and I've also seen this with varying degrees of severity in all of my friends' moms.

 

(Just one more thing to fuel my resentment to women in general, I guess, since my own wife will one day probably behave towards our son's gf )

[Woggle]

Maybe because they know what they were like when they were younger.

[Sam Spade]

Maybe because they know what they were like when they were younger.

 

:lmao: That took the cake, too funny

Well, I'm the product of an affair, so maybe you're onto something here

[luvstarved]

Eh! My MIL likes me just fine when my H tells her to,but will also throw me under the bus at his request, too.

 

I resent mine because she brought my H up in such an extremely "supportive" way that he has never been able to detach. She used to violate boundaries all the time, that has lessened over time as she has been busier taking care of her ailing husband...but she has always done whatever my H asked cheerfully without asking (or getting) anything in return. Whenever anyone disagrees with him or says something he dislikes, including me, they are just a jealous jerk or a miserable pain in the ass as far as she is concerned. Meanwhile, his time is more important and precious than anyone's, and his accomplishments greater...and therefore he should not have to bother himself with mundane tasks...

 

He does not have to show courtesy because she never taught him to. If he barks at her for forgetting someting or failing to honor a request, she apologizes and corrects herself. If he asks her to come over on a minute's notice to babysit because he forgot to mention to her that we bought concert tickets two months ago, no problem. Zooooooom, there she is.

 

He thinks that I am jealous of her, but really I resent her for bringing him up to think that he is always right, should be always complied with, does not have to do anything he does not want to do, has no need to consider other people's needs or feelings and cannot trust anyone in the end except her.

 

He lived with her (and his Dad, a passive non-entity in the dynamic) until we got married, and even for about 6 months after while transitioning households.

 

He talks about her like she is a saint, and why not? Who would not want to get such treatment? But, kinda sucks for me because my "failure" to treat him the same way (because I do expect help, respect and courtesy) makes me an intolerably mean bitch...

 

So for me it is not like she does not like me. She just treats me basically however he tells her to. I am the one with all the resentment because he can't seem to "leave and cleave" and also because he holds me up to this ridiculous doormat standard that I am not able to comply with...and of

course because he runs and talks to her when we fight, etc, and gets full backup (although to be fair I am quite certain he only tells her if I say something "mean" and leaves out his own abusive remarks)...and then trots her "opinions" out as being further evidence on what a twisted and pathetic excuse for a wife I am...

[Woggle]

I know my mother is a piece of work but most sons have great relationships with their mothers. She has been there for him through his lowest points while most wives bolt at the slightest sign of imperfection. Why do so many wives expect men to reject their mothers in favor of an unstable at best relationship such as marriage?

[Stung]

Isn't there just as popular a stereotype of men and their mother-in-laws? I think it's fair to say it's common enough for people in close relationships to experience some friction, and for parents in general to have a hard time cutting the apron strings.

 

For what it's worth, I get along with my husband's mother just fine. She's a nice lady and a wonderful grandma.

 

And my husband and mom get along great too.

[Woggle]

I get along quite well with both my in laws. They love me and I love them. They are coming here on monday and I love having them around because I like spending christmas with the happy and healthy family I never had.

 

My wife does not get along with my mother at all but then again who does? Her and my father get along good though.

[Sam Spade]

Eh! My MIL likes me just fine when my H tells her to,but will also throw me under the bus at his request, too.

 

I resent mine because she brought my H up in such an extremely "supportive" way that he has never been able to detach. She used to violate boundaries all the time, that has lessened over time as she has been busier taking care of her ailing husband...but she has always done whatever my H asked cheerfully without asking (or getting) anything in return. Whenever anyone disagrees with him or says something he dislikes, including me, they are just a jealous jerk or a miserable pain in the ass as far as she is concerned. Meanwhile, his time is more important and precious than anyone's, and his accomplishments greater...and therefore he should not have to bother himself with mundane tasks...

 

He does not have to show courtesy because she never taught him to. If he barks at her for forgetting someting or failing to honor a request, she apologizes and corrects herself. If he asks her to come over on a minute's notice to babysit because he forgot to mention to her that we bought concert tickets two months ago, no problem. Zooooooom, there she is.

 

He thinks that I am jealous of her, but really I resent her for bringing him up to think that he is always right, should be always complied with, does not have to do anything he does not want to do, has no need to consider other people's needs or feelings and cannot trust anyone in the end except her.

 

He lived with her (and his Dad, a passive non-entity in the dynamic) until we got married, and even for about 6 months after while transitioning households.

 

He talks about her like she is a saint, and why not? Who would not want to get such treatment? But, kinda sucks for me because my "failure" to treat him the same way (because I do expect help, respect and courtesy) makes me an intolerably mean bitch...

 

So for me it is not like she does not like me. She just treats me basically however he tells her to. I am the one with all the resentment because he can't seem to "leave and cleave" and also because he holds me up to this ridiculous doormat standard that I am not able to comply with...and of

course because he runs and talks to her when we fight, etc, and gets full backup (although to be fair I am quite certain he only tells her if I say something "mean" and leaves out his own abusive remarks)...and then trots her "opinions" out as being further evidence on what a twisted and pathetic excuse for a wife I am...

 

 

Wow, this reminds me of "Everybody Loves Raymond".

 

Mothers can and do shape son's character. Good thing mine was a strict one, so I just wanted to get away, but I still had to fight the self-righteousness she exhibits to this day.

 

I'm sure most mothers want the best for their sons, but come on - how hard it is to back of when it is clearly time to back off??!!!

[luvstarved]

Wow, this reminds me of "Everybody Loves Raymond".

 

Mothers can and do shape son's character. Good thing mine was a strict one, so I just wanted to get away, but I still had to fight the self-righteousness she exhibits to this day.

 

I'm sure most mothers want the best for their sons, but come on - how hard it is to back of when it is clearly time to back off??!!!

 

Yeah...I left home at 17, so is hard for me to relate to someone who stayed until 38!!!! And in many ways is still there...but she made him so utterly dependent on her and treats him so like the king of the world that I don't think the bond will ever break, nor one ever really form with me...sigh.

[Spark1111]

Hmmmm.....this is an interesting thread.

 

Often, depending on the mother/son relationship, whether good or bad, a son may unconsciously choose a woman VERY different from his mother, (like my husband did) but then begin to resent that he did so.

 

She cooked, cleaned, sewed and the man was always right.

 

I graduated from college, have a high-paying intellectual job, and no man is always right.

 

I do not think my MIL disliked me, as much as did not understand me. I was a different woman for her world. Our relationship dramatically improved with my children, her grandchildren. We now had a love for these children in common, and it helped.

 

When married, your spouse should come first, before any other family member. Period.

 

We now have a son, and I have told him date, date them all shapes, sizes and attributes, but when you choose a life partner, choose wisely and well.

 

And whether she is like me or not, I have vowed to accept her, mainly because my relationship to him is so precious to me.

[Angel1111]

You're right that it's very common for women and their mother in laws not to get along. Fortunately, I wasn't one of those people when I was married - actually I'm still friends with my ex's mother. My son is dating a girl that I actually love to death and I hope they marry someday. Not all women in the in-law situations have problems, just so you know. The thing is, your wife and mom need to be at least civil to one another. If not, then you need to figure out where the hostility is coming from - does your mother create this? Your wife? It's not good to have this kind of contention between people in a family and it would be better to get it figured out for the sake of peace.

[threebyfate]

Here's my take on this.

 

Women tend to be more vocal about their likes and dislikes. Men lean towards being conflict avoidant. Net result, MILs and wives have issues and make it known, FILs and husbands have issues and ignore each other.

 

Deal with it.

 

Having said that, I still get along great with my ex-MIL, staying in touch AND get along great with my MIL. Why create a tug-o-war for stupid reasons?

[Heroic]

My wife and Mother get along just fine. I set the rules the first day we moved into our new apartment after out honeymoon.

 

Mother was in kitchen puting away dishes. Wife objected to where she was putting them. Mother innocently said, I always kep my dishes in this cabinet.

 

I walked in told her we appreciate the help0 but you are in OUR KITCHEN. You can listen to my wife's wishes or you can leave.

 

We will listen to your rules in your house but this is not your house. It's ours and you will listen to our rules here or you are not welcome.

 

I, however, do not get along with my MIL or SIL because they are emotionally manipulative of my wife. I have repeated told then to cut the crap. We have boycotted all contacts with the SIL PERMANENTLY and have not attended any event that she is at for the past 3 years. Were attempting a dinner with the MIL after a 3 year boycott this weekend.

[D-Lish]

My ex MIL was absolutely crazy.

She hated my guts and treated me like a second class person from the moment we met. She didn't talk to me for over an hour the first time I went to his house- didn't even come to the door to say hello.

 

I grew to hate and resent her over the years...She was just mean to me and other women. My XH had a younger brother, and she also attacked and insulted all of his gf's over the years.

 

It may sound weird, but my ex MIL used to gaze at her son like she was romantically in love with him- a tilted head, glazed eyes, big smile... everyone noticed, and this woman freaked out my parents.

 

I had to stop going over to his parents house to visit because I left in tears everytime I visited. My family and I nicknamed her "the butterfly with teeth"- because she used to flit around all sweet and innocent and then bite you, really violently.

 

She had a huge issue with weight- and she used to go at everyone's weight all the time. She constantly insinuated I was fat. The insults made me so sick I stopped eating and dropped 50lbs. I remember when we divorced and had sold our house- she came to help him move. I hadn't seen her in a year and I was down 50lbs. I am 5'8" 105 lbs at this point and she says to me "you've lost weight! you're not too big, not too skinny- just right". Jaysus- my hip bones were jutting out of my pants and I was emaciated- it's the only semi-compliment I ever got from the woman - and it came AFTER our marriage broke up.

 

Sorry- this thread brings up horrible memories, lol. I just over-vented big-time!

[luvstarved]

LOL I can relate to the icky romantic angle...

 

- after H and I dated a few months and in course of afterglow, mentioned he got "sexual signals" from his mother and what did I think it meant. I said, either she is actually sending them in which case she has issues, or she is not sending them and you are falsely perceiving them, in which case you have issues. He did not like that answer.

 

- she fawns sickeningly about how handsome he is (and he is) constantly, and to everyone, to the point of embarrassment all around

 

- when he looked at porn, some of it was "old lady" type of porn - he tried to call it people "our age" but some of them were quite older, and we are 51. Mostly he looked at bj/cumshot stuff, to be fair, but there was definite evidence of the old lady stuff that really creeped me out.

 

- he takes her side over mine all the time. Claims she does things for "us". When I came home early while she was babysitting and overheard her on the phone with my H saying that I "is a miserable pain in the ass, has always been a miserable pain in the ass, and will always be a miserable pain in the ass". In the aftermath, according to him, she did not say anything that bad and his issue was with the fact that I asked her to leave afterward. "How dare you treat my mother like that?"

 

- I finally broke down and called his sister and she concurred with the ickiness...enlightened me to fact that H and dear mother used to sequester themselves to talk about his sex life much to the chagrin of Dad, and that sometimes mom would make comments about it at dinner table. She also told me the whole family thought their relationship was weird and inappropriate and had wondered amongst themselves if I could possibly be blind to it. She also told me that when his dad went through his "depression" that H and his mother more or less acted like the married couple taking care of a difficult child.

 

Strangely, H and his mother never hug or make physical contact...which at some level weirds me out more...

 

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. I feel like I need a shower now...haven't ever really listed all that out before and now it feels even worse.