To Tony

[Nick]

Hey Tony, I have read your replies to peoples' messages and I have noticed that sometimes you just suggest them to break off, instead of suggesting that they try some other ways to improve their relationships....Its not nice to tell people : "Dump the chump"... because sometimes people are confused enough when they post their questions, and when they hear such a discouraging advice, they might really start viewing their significant other from a different perspective, you should instead suggest them, that everything will be alright as long as they try hard to imrpove their relationships,,,,do not be pessimistic!!!

 

If you got some personal problems, try not to take it out on others here! Sorry, but i just got this impression, that you are not really trying to help......little more optimism in your messages would be very nice...

 

thanks for listening

[magicklady]

I think Tony's advice is right on the money most of the time... Have you read half of the posts on here... most of these people are already at the point of wanting to break up with who they are with they are just looking for someone to tell them to do it... Let's face it 99% of the time we can't work out Jealousy, or someone cheating on you several times. A lot of the people on here are under the age of 30 and are to young to have to deal with a bunch of emotional crap.. when they should be having fun. He does not tell people all of the time to Leave the situation.. but in most cases that he has I have fully agreed with him about it.. why stick around and be miserable when you might be the only one will ing to work on the relationship...??? If you are not.. then you won't be on here most of the time anyway because you will talk to your partner about it .. Right...

[Tony T]

Dear Nick:

 

Your post is taken with your very good intentions.

 

I have absolutely no agenda in my posts other than helping and know the pain of breaking up.

 

If you will review every one of my posts as well as the posts I am responding to, you will see that my advice is justified according to the verbage in the posts.

 

I am old enough and have enough life experience to know that people should not take abusive, neglect or any other form of disharmony over a long period of time. Perhaps I assume that people who post here have done some work on their relationships prior to posing here. Maybe that's the problem. But I give people credit for having the intelligence to try everything within their power to improve their relationships before they come to the Internet. Perhaps I have been wrong with doing that.

 

Moreover, I have been through many of the experiences noted on the posts many times and understand the dynamics and ramifications.

 

I strongly stand by all my posts. A very major problem is that people don't usually put all necessary details in their posts...just the most terrible stuff...and then they follow up with a picture that's not nearly as bad.

 

I am a positive person and perhaps reading so many posts where people are being highly abused and mistreated by their significant other, I have become a little negative. However I cannot stand by and sugarcoat my replies to people who often are in horrible, horrible situations that they describe themselves. I personally know it often takes somebody from the outside to make them realize it. Unable to speak to them face to face, I have to be strong in my wording to get their attention.

 

It is for this reason that I am retiring from posting here.

 

I am horribly sorry that people around the world put up with situations in their relationships that they don't need to. Unfortunately, I cannot compromise the way I truly feel people need to respond to unpleasant, unfulfilling, and sometimes horribly abusive situations.

 

I have apologized for one or two posts that may have been too strong but, again, I stand by most of them. I understand now that perhaps people are looking here more for positive encouragement and perhaps less for 100 percent pure advice. I am not ethically able to be positive where it is not indicated as determined by the posts.

 

I am not ceasing my posts entirely because of your remarks. I agree with what you say completely. But I cannot give people advice to hand in and try to correct absusive and foul situations I know perfectly well will not get better in the long run. When I do feel that way, I note it. Probably, the biggest reason is that I have helped some people here and now it's time to move on in my live and use my time in a different way of service.

 

I am also ceasing because people tend to read and remember only what they want. I have a strong desire for everyone to have very positive, healthy, strong, loving, functional relationships and perhaps my frustration is due to the fact that so very often it is completely impossible for people to attain those with the partner they have chosen...yet they truly feel that love will carry them through. It won't.

 

The entire subject of relationships and love is a difficult one. I am not an expert. I only have my own opinions that people can take or leave. Perhaps I have made the assumption that people have minds of their own and can decide if my advice applies to them.

 

At any rate, having given this some serious thought, perhaps I am doing more damage than good and that is certainly not my purpose.

 

I appreciate the many people who have thanked me for my advice and told me it was most appropriate. It is not because I am being selectively attentive to Nick's post that I am moving on. It is a combination of things outlined here coupled with the fact that I don't think we all have to move on to other things eventually. I have truly enjoyed being here and I hope I have helped a lot of people.

 

You need not reply to this post because I will not be back to read it. I leave with no hard feelings or ill will whatsoever but rather depart with an earnest prayer that people all over the world can somehow attain happiness in their love lives through their own common sense of what is right, their own self worth, and with the wisdom of those who do post advice here.

[Alyssa G.]

Hi Nick, I just read over what you wrote.

 

I'm a psychology graduate student. In my undergrad years I thought to specialize in marriage and familiy counceling, but I've been going into the education direction and child psychology in grad school, so it's been a couple of years since I studied the relationship stuff.

 

But when I was younger I did volunteer work for the infirmary at my university, leading some group therapy discussions about relationships, especially addictive and abusive relationships.

 

I'm going out on a limb here, because my advisor always tells me correlation does not imply causation, but from my own empirical observations, a lot of people seeking relationship help are looking for external validation. They want someone else to tell them that their relationship is healthy and ok, regardless of reality. And when you give advice, Tony is right, and psychological theorist Bandura agrees with him. People seek validation for the beliefs they already hold. They pick and choose what advice to take from what they want to hear.

 

What I'm saying is that I shied away from relationship counceling for this very reason. I've seen hundreds of couples who from a psychologically healthy perspective shouldn't be together at all, and I think that many many many people are in unhealthy relationships and you can't ever convince them otherwise.

 

So "a little more optimism" is not a very easy emotion to come by. Although I'm getting married in a few months, I have a pretty pessimistic view of most relationships. I'm lucky enough that both my fiance and I have psychological training, so we are able to wrok through the normal problems that come with relationships in a healthy way. But very few people have that. So it's hard to be optimistic.