Abusive women...

[gopher]

I know that it's much, much rarer than abusive men, but it still happens. I was stuck in a abusive relationship for 20 years with my ex-wife, 99% of the time it was verbal/emotional, but on a few occasions, it was physical. Like most guys, I never told anyone, even family or my closest friends. I stuck it out for the kids, until I was so depressed that I considered taking my own life. I left and my life is so good, I have fallen in love and my relationship with my kids has grown stronger.

 

Any other guys with this experience or women who have observed such a relationship?

[carhill]

There were many times where my M felt like this.

 

The weirdest feeling now is not that of change, but rather of consistency. I look around and experience my home environment and it's not really that different. I really don't feel any more alone now.

 

I've never experienced your kind of active abuse though, at least not sufficiently to complain about it with any confidence. Certain friends have told me that my stbx seemed to put me down in public a lot, but I don't remember those things clearly enough to comment on them.

 

The one positive thing is I can now easily identify emotional distance and avoid those types of people now. For that, I can thank her. Without her, I never would have received the therapy necessary to gain that kind of health.

[icecubee]

I feel like I'm with an emotionally/verally abusive girlfriend right now. I have been researching a lot about verbally abusive women quite a lot the last few weeks and have read/skimmed through several books on the topic. I can't seem to find a book that talks mainly about a verbally abusive woman(which is understandable from a marketing and statistical standpoint), but I think a lot of the concepts about a verbally abusive man applies to woman too.

 

My gf exhibits obvious signs of controlling behaviour, demanding(her needs is always first and I must meet her needs), puts me down (she is always right mentality), and a very possessive personality.

 

It's very hard to talk to her about our problems because every talk turns into an argument and she seem to twist everything that I try to tell her.

 

Luckliy I have a supportive family and friends. Right now I'm still deciding if I should work things out with her or not.

[Eve]

A study I was reading the other day suggests that female to male abuse is not as rare as one supposes. The study was raising awareness of DV amongst teens. Often this is not regarded as serious by adults and authorities.

 

So you are not alone.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[bananaboat11]

I'm sorry man... I was in a short-term relationship with a very, very emotionally abusive girl... my story is in the breakups forum... I don't think I've ever been this depressed... and to top it off, she used me as a rebound, but the entire time lied to me about loving me...

 

... ii find I can't sleep anymore... my eating is ok just b/c I work out like an animal so I'm hungry as ****... but I never thought I'd see the say.. the diabolical scheming that always turned a situation on me... I'll swear in g-d's name I've NEVER raised my hand or my voice to her.. never smothered, sheltered or accused her of anything.. but she had so many insecurities and played them out through me...

 

....

 

oh...

my....

g-d.....

iwanttocry.

[Simon Attwood]

I entered a relationship 6 ½ years ago. Initially it seemed perfect; similar interests (comparative religions, history, philosophy, traveling and cultures, etc.). It felt so right that I agreed that we should move in together, probably earlier than I would have if I wasn’t so intoxicated by the passion of the moment.

 

From the moment we moved in together, a different person started to appear and this person was not just, not a nice person, but sometimes came across as positively demonic. We shared a house for 6 months, only the first month, could I say, was relatively trouble free. From that moment on she became more and more verbally and emotionally abusive, making accusations that neither had any basis nor appeared rational.

 

It appeared she needed to hurt me using any means possible. In between this person appearing the other person would show up, but less and less. I was subject to ridiculous allegations, and threats to murder me and destroy me emotionally and professionally. She started staying out all night and I’m aware of at least 1 guy she slept with, because next morning she threw it in my face to try and hurt me. I suspect there were others.

 

It culminated in an incident where I was planning on staying the night at my parents; around 9pm I get a panicky phone call;

 

“Are you coming home?”

“I wasn’t planning to, why?

“I’m locked out, I’ve lost my keys”

“OK I’ll come home”

 

About an hour and a half journey on the train later, I arrive back at the house we shared and let her in. It’s now 10:30pm so I am not going to make the journey back to my parents again and decide to stay at the house. She is very agitated but at first she seems calm, the calmness didn’t last too long as she started insisting that I give her my set of keys. I said no. Then she starts accusing me of trying to poison her, she starts screaming at me and back to her threats of violence. The morning before that was when she’d stayed out all night, and then texted me all about “Angelo”, so I was not very conducive to discussions.

 

I decide that I am not going to stand there and take the abuse so I go to walk out the house, she tries to block me, then when she realised that she wasn’t going to be able to block me, she started punching and kicking me. I pushed passed her and went out for a half hour walk. When i returned she had calmed down a bit. She’d spoken to a friend who had managed to calm her down and made the suggestion that I get a set of keys cut at work the next day, and she would come and pick them up. I agreed and went to bed. I walked out the house the next day, never to go back again while she was in the house, except with the company of others when I turned up with a van to move all my stuff out at the weekend. The fact that I had others with me stopped her being able to kick off, although she did briefly try.

 

Luckily it was a rented house and the contract was up in a couple of months so that eased any complications.

[Taramere]

I entered a relationship 6 ½ years ago. Initially it seemed perfect; similar interests (comparative religions, history, philosophy, traveling and cultures, etc.). It felt so right that I agreed that we should move in together, probably earlier than I would have if I wasn’t so intoxicated by the passion of the moment.

 

From the moment we moved in together, a different person started to appear and this person was not just, not a nice person, but sometimes came across as positively demonic. We shared a house for 6 months, only the first month, could I say, was relatively trouble free. From that moment on she became more and more verbally and emotionally abusive, making accusations that neither had any basis nor appeared rational.

 

It appeared she needed to hurt me using any means possible. In between this person appearing the other person would show up, but less and less. I was subject to ridiculous allegations, and threats to murder me and destroy me emotionally and professionally. She started staying out all night and I’m aware of at least 1 guy she slept with, because next morning she threw it in my face to try and hurt me. I suspect there were others.

 

It culminated in an incident where I was planning on staying the night at my parents; around 9pm I get a panicky phone call;

 

“Are you coming home?”

“I wasn’t planning to, why?

“I’m locked out, I’ve lost my keys”

“OK I’ll come home”

 

About an hour and a half journey on the train later, I arrive back at the house we shared and let her in. It’s now 10:30pm so I am not going to make the journey back to my parents again and decide to stay at the house. She is very agitated but at first she seems calm, the calmness didn’t last too long as she started insisting that I give her my set of keys. I said no. Then she starts accusing me of trying to poison her, she starts screaming at me and back to her threats of violence. The morning before that was when she’d stayed out all night, and then texted me all about “Angelo”, so I was not very conducive to discussions.

 

I decide that I am not going to stand there and take the abuse so I go to walk out the house, she tries to block me, then when she realised that she wasn’t going to be able to block me, she started punching and kicking me. I pushed passed her and went out for a half hour walk. When i returned she had calmed down a bit. She’d spoken to a friend who had managed to calm her down and made the suggestion that I get a set of keys cut at work the next day, and she would come and pick them up. I agreed and went to bed. I walked out the house the next day, never to go back again while she was in the house, except with the company of others when I turned up with a van to move all my stuff out at the weekend. The fact that I had others with me stopped her being able to kick off, although she did briefly try.

 

Luckily it was a rented house and the contract was up in a couple of months so that eased any complications.

 

Wow, that sounds horrific. I notice you tell the story in a detached way but detailed way, suggesting that you've gone over it again and again in your mind to the point of numbness.

 

I know people are always getting told off about making unqualified, online diagnoses...but it's hard to imagine that someone who accused you of trying to poison her and threatened to murder you doesn't suffer from an extremely serious mental health problem.

 

I can't think of anything more scary than to move in with someone and start to discover that they're insane. I would think too, that an experience like that leaves you questioning your judgement. Not that it should but that it almost inevitably would.

 

That's the reality, I think, of encountering someone who is mentally unbalanced - but only in phases. Even in the context where you're not actually involved with a person, seeing them suddenly switch from rational to completely off the planet is an incredibly disconcerting experience. To be living with it, and subjected to their violence would be absolutely terrifying.

 

Any other guys with this experience or women who have observed such a relationship?

 

No, I can't say that I've observed a relationship like that - though I have known one or two guys who referred to abusive behaviour after they broke up with someone. In one case the abuse had been physical - eg plates being thrown at his head in fits of temper.

 

Years ago, though, I worked with teenagers in a home. Some where there purely for circumstantial reasons that were nothing to do with their behaviour. Others were there because their parents just couldn't cope. All of them lumped in together...so you've got kids who don't have behavioural problems suddenly having to live side by side with some very disturbed peers.

 

Witnessing the effect on them might, I think, be somewhat similar to seeing what a person goes through living with a violent partner. We tried our best to make the home feel like a safe place, but how do you do that when there are kids in there who display very disturbed and sometimes violent behaviour?

 

Everyone should be able to feel safe in their own home. Whether male or female, it doesn't matter....a violent partner robs them of that sense of safety in their home that they're not only entitled to, but that people need to have. I'm aware that women are every bit as capable of being violent, abusive and quite terrifying as men. I know it from my time working in those homes and seeing what some of the girls were like when they lost it.

 

Or in one case, with a girl who didn't need to lose it because she was a very cold and calculating psychopath. We don't need to dwell on things like strength differences, "men are generally stronger than women" etc. It doesn't make any odds. If someone has lost control, and they have a weapon in their hand, it's no less frightening when that person is female rather than male. If it's verbal/emotional abuse, it's no less distressing when a woman does it than when a man does it.

 

Referring back to the example of those children, it can be worse with girls because they often have an instinct for weak spots that the boys don't have. Boys could be as terrorised by girls in those places as girls could be by boys. It doesn't come down to gender....it comes down to how unbalanced a person is, and how far they're prepared to go in unleashing their rage on someone else.

 

Trauma affects men just as much as it affects women. Perhaps the only real difference lies with social expectations about how men and women should react to trauma. I think women are often more ready to reach out for help in these situations, and create a support network to help them in the aftermath. Men don't always ask for the help they need. People aren't always as ready to offer it. Not necessarily because they don't care, but because offering a man emotional support when he hasn't asked for it can be a tricky business. Some will react in a shamed or an annoyed manner to such offers. It's not always easy for men to ask for or accept help.

 

What's the best way, do you think, to improve the provision of support and help to those who have been in this situation?

[bentnotbroken]

I am a recovering abusive woman. I have been in counseling for a while now and I have begun to understand my behavior and better yet, ways to deal with frustration appropriately. I am sorry for my behavior. It will have long lasting consequences, not just for me but my family. I can't apologize to them enough, so the only way for me to show my determination at never going that route again, is to speak out and offer support to those who wish to change their lives.

 

Just like an addict of most drugs, the emotional high and then let down of a confrontation(ie-bullying episode) it will always be the easiest thing to fall back on. It will always be a part of me and I must work daily to learn and practice new methods of dealing. For me it has been asking God to lead me and my choices and then following what He says. I stay in counseling, see my doctor regularly to make sure my depression is under control, exercise, take my medications, eat right.

 

My goal is to break the cycle that I helped to create by exposing my children to the anger, abuse, manipulation and degradation of others. I sincerely pray that your scars heal and I humbly apologize on behalf of those who hurt you. God bless each of you.

[Simon Attwood]

Wow, that sounds horrific. I notice you tell the story in a detached way but detailed way, suggesting that you've gone over it again and again in your mind to the point of numbness.

 

I know people are always getting told off about making unqualified, online diagnoses...but it's hard to imagine that someone who accused you of trying to poison her and threatened to murder you doesn't suffer from an extremely serious mental health problem.

 

I can't think of anything more scary than to move in with someone and start to discover that they're insane. I would think too, that an experience like that leaves you questioning your judgement. Not that it should but that it almost inevitably would.

 

That's the reality, I think, of encountering someone who is mentally unbalanced - but only in phases. Even in the context where you're not actually involved with a person, seeing them suddenly switch from rational to completely off the planet is an incredibly disconcerting experience. To be living with it, and subjected to their violence would be absolutely terrifying.

 

Of course, I analysed it to death at the time, but my survival defenses kicked in and I began the work of distancing myself emotionally when the attacks started getting bad. This only made her more motivated to try and provoke an emotional reaction out of me, the harder she worked, the more I distanced myself, while living in the same house with her.

 

A couple of times she managed to find my button and provoke the emotional and aggressive response that she needed, but for the most part, whenever we sat and tried to talk about the problems, I would remain calm and try and open up and express myself as honestly as possible in the face of verbal and emotional abuse. I look back now and see that she only saw my opening up as a weakness and used the openings as her point of attack.

 

All the visual details are still very clear in my head. I’m both blessed and cursed with a very strong visual memory (which is why I have spent most of my working life in creative fields).

 

I suppose that some of the detachment comes from the need to understand what happened. I wasn’t totally blameless in causing the catalyst for her switch. But I also know that the switch would have come no matter what. We are all human, with all the imperfections and failings that our species brings with it from our phylogenetic heritage. If it wasn’t going to be one err, it would be another. She was a ticking time bomb; I think I just set the clock to run a bit faster.

 

So I threw myself in trying to understand what disorder might have been at the root of her problem. I needed to give it a label. I needed to find a place to put that experience, a box that I could then put the lid on and tuck away, never to bring it out again. I was already quite well read in terms of psychology and mind sciences, the nature of consciousness, etc... So I bought many, many books on narcissism, schizophrenia, bipolar, etc. I managed to apply so many disorders to her symptoms that I started to question the disorders as a separate and defined taxonomy, as postulated by so many professionals and as interpreted and preached from the partially accepted bible of mental illness, the DSM series. \\

 

So I then started to try and apply the symptoms to myself and found that I could diagnose myself with the disorders too, but only very moderately. I came to the conclusion that we all suffer to some extent from all the disorders. They are there in varying degrees in all of us, it is only when they are outwardly visible and in their extreme that we label them as pathologies. Also, that in many people they are latent, held in check, but that a traumatic event can trigger them.

 

So I searched out further reading that affirmed my conclusions and found many authors and prominent figures in the field that had come to the same conclusion.

 

Anyway, in the end it all helped define the perspective that allowed me to come to a better peace with what happened. And helped me define my perspective on life too.

 

And I’ve not stopped studying because the human mind is an infinitely fascinating place. Full of good as well as bad, it contains many demons, all of which need to be defeated if you are going to get to the top of that castle in forest where ultimate love, goodness and beauty lies protected by all those defences.

 

As they say “You’ll be a better person once you go through hell, and come out the other side” and I can confirm that as a truth