Hit by the train - #3

[sotagoon]

For some reason I just felt the need to write this morning about some introspection I've been doing lately.

 

I'm still not having an easy go at this...but the days seem to be bearable.

 

I have started to realize that my relationship was a complete mess for some time. I think that the combination of my own feelings of inadequacy and low self image probably fueled the need for her to seek out someone else's attention.

 

I did the best I could in letting her know that I love her and that she was the love of my life. I cherished the kiss I gave her every morning when I would leave for work. (I can't tell you how much I loved doing that..it meant the world to me) I was always happy to make sure that her life was a little easier, whether it be financially, or just doing the smallest of things to help her.

 

I have been doing so much reading, that I'm not sure what to believe any more? I neglected her needs....she didn't communicate what she needed, I didn't listen to what she needed...and on and on.........

 

It is hard to understand why, when I would give her the world, that she would just walk away..over and over?

 

I know that I am not perfect....and I know that I want/wanted to make the best life together with her....but then WHY was it so hard to give her ENOUGH?

 

I will say this.....I felt pretty lonely some times when she was here. I felt like she didn't understand when I was stressed out and in some ways didn't care enough to want to ease my worries? I was so terrified about the idea that I carried all the burden of the home and the bills, and she was sick. What if we lost our house for some reason due to me making less at work? Lose your home while battling cancer.....I was terrified.

 

I tried to talk with her about my worries, but CANCER was always the TRUMP CARD. She would say to me, " Maybe you should go see someone about that." She always told me that she hated it when I wanted to talk about stuff. WHY?...isn't that what your realationship is about.....HELPING EACH OTHER?

 

I know that I am really bad when it comes to listening. It's not that I DON"T listen, it's that I want to help.....and she wished that I would just say, "That sucks".

 

Anyway...I am feeling pretty crappy today, and I haven't had any contact with her in 4 weeks.

 

 

I know that I have been replaced, in fact within 24 hours of her leaving. This really hurts....but I should have expected it. (She had others each time she's left before)

 

Maybe I'm just too stupid and should have never trusted her after the first time?

 

 

But my nagging question is this.....I know that someone will stray when their needs aren't being met at home.....but at what point is loving and trusting someone unconditionally not enough? I know our sex life was not stellar...but that was for two reasons....the first was her cancer treatment and surgery..not physically possible, and the other was that she always expected me to initiate sex and when I did, it was like she couldn't care less about enjoying it and wanted to know how soon I would be done?

 

Keeping me holding on is the woman I knew for the first 4 years of our life together....best thing that ever happened to me. It seems that once real life started (after the honeymoon stage) that sustainability was impossible. I always felt like I was competing against the rest of the world for her love an attention.

 

I mean WHAT woman tells the man she loves, to stop touching her and then 2 minutes later is asking for a hug?

 

My purpose of being here and continuing to post is so that I can learn to be better. I am concerned that I am just not relationship material. On one hand I feel like I give everything I can, but yet it's not enough or given in the wrong way? I am worried about carrying a chip on my shoulder from now on.

 

I'm not sure what I'd do without this place and being able to rant....

Edited January 31, 2010 by sotagoon

[LisaUk]

Hi

 

I'm glad you got the book, i know it helped me to understand my ex and I hope it has given you some things to think about and helps in the long run. I'm not a passive avoider either, I think they just wanted to write the book in that way for that edition b/c some people are. Since he left I have met a female friend who is a severe CP, in some ways it's fascinating to watch, I can see her patterns clearly, but at the same time it makes me so angry to see her hurting all these men.

 

With regards to your post today, I get how you feel, I have spent nearly 11 months questionning WHY? I still do, people on here have told me over and over, it wasn't my fault and I can never know why only he does, but I don't seem able to stop.

 

I will say this though. From what you have written I would say this isn't your doing at all. This is her issue, not yours. Maybe the answer lies there. That it is her that needs to sort herself out and you are relationship material, you just need someone who is capable of it and can appreciate that. You deserve that.

[sotagoon]

Lisa, Thank you for the kind words. No matter what, I still know that the relationship was not perfect. I had my part in it too.

 

I really struggle with the fact that when I met her, I was a very different person. I made about 4 or 5 times the money (no exaggeration) and I was confident in a way that when red flags went up, I would just say "Decide to stay or pack you s**t and go."

 

I want to make sure that I improve on my downfalls in the relationship, so that I can be a better person, however I'm really having trouble figuring out what those are? The only real obvious thing is that I retreat to a corner when I am struggling. (Almost isolation - I don't like to burden others with my problems) I was never like this before we met. I can't help but think that after being told that I am at fault for the turmoil so many times, that I just stopped saying what I felt and needed.

 

I can't say enough about how inadequate I felt with her, and to think that I was the one that was holding up the fort.

 

It makes me ill when I think about how many times I told her how great she looked and her reaction was "You just have to say that." Somehow like I didn't mean it.....quite the contrary...she is one of the most beautiful women I have ever met. It hurt me to see her question my intent and my sincerity.

 

I don't know why, but I have been a real mess the last couple of days....and I haven't even had any contact whatsoever with her.

 

I miss her so much, and I miss the times that she would want me to hold her. But then there are the times, usually like 10 minutes after a great hug or something, that she would feel the need to remind me that I was inadequate.....why?

 

I have always been the one with a great sense of security and never shy on self worth, but the times that she has left me, always with no warning or even a chance to work on what is bothersome, I crumble. Picking myself up, physically isn't an issue, I can get going, but mentally, I feel paralyzed.

 

The woman that I would give the world for, always felt the need to remind me how near worthless I was, and you know what, I don't believe it for one minute, but still there is no one else who can tell me different....ONLY HER? (Why is that?)

 

I know that she has run off to some other guy, and that they went on the vacation that her and I planned. This eats me up inside and makes me wonder how much I really meant to her?

 

Today, I feel like my only hurdle to this mess, is that I had alot more to offer when I met her. Today I am a fraction of the man I was then, yet she is just off an running with another guy without missing a beat.

 

I spent most of the weekend with all my buddies playing in a hockey tournament. It was such a good time, and an unbelievable workout.

 

The hard part was seeing all of their wives and kids. They all had someone that was there to see them win and play their best. A personal cheering section of sorts.

 

Anyway, I feel like I fell back wards and have to start over again. It is really miserable too at the end of the day, to watch you friends go home to their families and I just head home to a place that I don't even like anymore.

Edited February 1, 2010 by sotagoon

[sotagoon]

God...today is a really crappy one.

 

SOmething got me thinking about how passive I am and how I probably let too many things just go by without calling her out on her bulls**t. I am sitting in my office at work on the brink of tears because I feel like I screwed up so badly by trying to be accepting and compassionate with her emotions.

 

I know I have said this before, but there was a time early in the relationship that I would not take any s**t whatsoever. I would call her out on everything, and when I say everything, I mean that there was a TON of it. Now that I think of it, I stopped doing that after the first time that she left, because I was AFFRAID that she would leave again if I was too strong with her.

 

Then when she was diagnosed with cancer, I really took a passive approach because I didn't know how to handle the mood swings and her absolutely hideous behavior sometimes. I felt like I couldn't get on her and make things harder.

 

Somehow I was conditioned to be passive with her, in order to keep the peace. Today, I read many things that point to this probably being the reason for her departure. I think that she lost respect for me, even though I was the one that was there through all her treatment and surgeries.

 

I was terrified of losing her to cancer and terrified of losing her to someone else. Parylized!!!!

 

I know that all respect is gone...it is so apparent. No wonder she just up and left so many times.

 

Did I miss something...was treating me like s**t a test? By telling her she was full of s**t and standing my ground, was that going to keep her from losing respect for me, because she knows that I am not that way with anyone else. Why just with her?

 

I am a mess today, and have gotten absolutely nothing done at work. I am starting to feel like I did the few days after she left.

 

So what is it, standing up to your significant other when they are completely berating you, that will make them respect you more?...How about not treating the other person like that in the first place?

 

I'm having trouble being angry at this, because I have lost the love of my life. I can't and don't have any more to give...to this but I want "US" back so badly.

 

She is the only person in my life that can make me feel like this....why is that?

[Catseye8]

I know I have said this before, but there was a time early in the relationship that I would not take any s**t whatsoever. I would call her out on everything, and when I say everything, I mean that there was a TON of it. Now that I think of it, I stopped doing that after the first time that she left

 

Somehow I was conditioned to be passive with her, in order to keep the peace. Today, I read many things that point to this probably being the reason for her departure.

 

So: when you did call her out on her bullsh*t, she left. And when you didn't call her out on her bull****, she left again. Which would suggest that the reason for her departure is... her.

 

Sounds like she has problems beyond anything you can fix. Stop blaming yourself; stop trying to work out what you could have done differently. Nothing you could have done would have made her into a functional, decent partner who'd treat you well.

[LisaUk]

Lisa, Thank you for the kind words. No matter what, I still know that the relationship was not perfect. I had my part in it too.

 

I really struggle with the fact that when I met her, I was a very different person. I made about 4 or 5 times the money (no exaggeration) and I was confident in a way that when red flags went up, I would just say "Decide to stay or pack you s**t and go."

 

I want to make sure that I improve on my downfalls in the relationship, so that I can be a better person, however I'm really having trouble figuring out what those are? The only real obvious thing is that I retreat to a corner when I am struggling. (Almost isolation - I don't like to burden others with my problems) I was never like this before we met. I can't help but think that after being told that I am at fault for the turmoil so many times, that I just stopped saying what I felt and needed.

 

I can't say enough about how inadequate I felt with her, and to think that I was the one that was holding up the fort.

 

It makes me ill when I think about how many times I told her how great she looked and her reaction was "You just have to say that." Somehow like I didn't mean it.....quite the contrary...she is one of the most beautiful women I have ever met. It hurt me to see her question my intent and my sincerity.

 

I don't know why, but I have been a real mess the last couple of days....and I haven't even had any contact whatsoever with her.

 

I miss her so much, and I miss the times that she would want me to hold her. But then there are the times, usually like 10 minutes after a great hug or something, that she would feel the need to remind me that I was inadequate.....why? This is classic CP, pull you close, push you away.

 

I have always been the one with a great sense of security and never shy on self worth, but the times that she has left me, always with no warning or even a chance to work on what is bothersome, I crumble. Picking myself up, physically isn't an issue, I can get going, but mentally, I feel paralyzed.

 

The woman that I would give the world for, always felt the need to remind me how near worthless I was, and you know what, I don't believe it for one minute, but still there is no one else who can tell me different....ONLY HER? (Why is that?)b/c you love her and value her opinion

 

I know that she has run off to some other guy, and that they went on the vacation that her and I planned. This eats me up inside and makes me wonder how much I really meant to her? she isn't capable of commiting, this is about her, not you. There is nothing you could have done.

 

Today, I feel like my only hurdle to this mess, is that I had alot more to offer when I met her. Today I am a fraction of the man I was then, yet she is just off an running with another guy without missing a beat.

 

I spent most of the weekend with all my buddies playing in a hockey tournament. It was such a good time, and an unbelievable workout.

 

The hard part was seeing all of their wives and kids. They all had someone that was there to see them win and play their best. A personal cheering section of sorts.

 

Anyway, I feel like I fell back wards and have to start over again. It is really miserable too at the end of the day, to watch you friends go home to their families and I just head home to a place that I don't even like anymore.

 

Never have I seen a person more CP than your ex. You are trying to take your part in the break down of a relationship that you could do no right in, this is truely her issue. Lets look at the evidence -

 

You-finacially supported her, provided her with a home, complimented her, loved her, gave her attention and affection, took her back twice after she left and cheated and supported her through cancer

 

Her-took from you, complained a lot, never expressed any unhappiness and didn't try and resolve anything with you, pulled you in then pushed you away, left and cheated on you twice and stayed with you until she was through her cancer treatment

 

I don't see what you did wrong?

[sotagoon]

I don't see what you did wrong?

 

I guess I probably sound like an idiot here...but What did I do wrong?..... Probably taking her back twice is what I DID WRONG?

 

What is wrong with me?.... If you asked me what makes me happy ..... all I'd say is something that had to do with her. (I guess I mean us together)

I can't even start to tell you what makes me happy.....because anything I do is followed by being alone....It's like I have love ADD?..I used to love nothing more than going home after a great workout, or a hockey game, or anything..hell, every day after work.

 

I am 32 and really thought I'd be a father and a husband by this time. I have always respected her like she was my wife....I can truly say that.

 

I don't know where to start....working out has put me in great shape, but I still feel like crap and having a great end to last year sales wise at work didn't even do it for me. I just wanted to share it with her.

 

Why can't I let go.....I see pictures of her with another guy and you know what....I'm not sad...It's motivating..but yet I'm a mess later for some other reason.

 

I have been really bothered lately by the fact that I feel like she never appreciated anything and that no matter what...I never had her respect...like I was lower than dirt but yet good enough to be comfortable with.

 

When does this end...when can I wake up and just find myself excited to live today?

Edited February 3, 2010 by sotagoon

[sotagoon]

Up..down...up...down...WTF?

 

I'm sitting right now in a coffee shop trying to get some work done, but it just isn't working.

 

I have become intrigued while eaves-dropping on a conversation between two women about their struggling marriages. There's a part of me that makes me want to just drop into the conversation.

 

The one thing that has me here venting, is that both of these women are "working" or better yet have to opportunity to work on the problems they are having with their husbands. They are describing the ambivalence of their husbands and how they are "there, but NOT there", but none the less...they are still getting to see things instead of being left with nothing to go on.

 

Hearing this conversation upsets me because I have not had the opportunity to even speak about what my GF sees as the reasoning for her wanting to leave. She just ran away to someone else without even giving me a warning.

 

I can't seem to find the ability to feel good about myself. I am a very diligent student when it comes to improving, but I can't get past the unbelievable feeling of inadequacy.

 

I envy these two women sitting here talking about their lives and how they are getting on. I don't know, is ti the fact that they have kids that bring them joy and they can lean on that every day?...Is it that they are still connected to their husbands in a way?...What is it?

 

Is this just a case of me being a complete pu**y?

 

Why am I holding on so tightly to her? She has gone to another man for the third time in 3 years.

 

I have started to see a therapist, but it feels like I come out of a session on a high and as soon as I walk in the door at home, I fall into an abyss.

 

I just can not let go and it hurts so much that I am completely depleted.

I feel completely inadequate.

 

I have become a bumbling idiot that can only function during the day if I become robotic.

Edited February 4, 2010 by sotagoon

[sotagoon]

I know I'm probably going to get a bunch of hard nosed comments here, but I really need some support. Really bad!!

 

I was at the gym tonight and had a really good workout, even despite pulling something in my groin. After showering up I usually just sit in the locker room and relax for about 20 minutes or so before I leave.

 

As I was sitting there tonight I received an email from the estranged GF.

It brought me to tears right there in 2 seconds flat.

 

"Hi, I still haven't changed my address and need to pick up my mail. I know we need to meet but it is so hard for me to see you."

 

This felt like someone pulled my heart right out of my chest. I had to get up and leave right away and just sat in my car for almost an hour, some of the time in tears.

 

I know that I am weak right now, and I know some of you are going to say "Grow a spine". That's not what has me this low. The fact that I gave 8 years of my, understanding, forgiveness, acceptance, financial support and unconditional love to this woman and she can't stand to even look at me.

 

I have never cheated, been abusive or done anything malicious to this woman and she can't even stand to look at me?

 

I am really low right now and can't seem to come to terms with this. It has been 5 weeks since she last communicated with me and it was a snide comment then.

 

I need some support bad...this is the first time in my life that I am straight asking for that.

[Angel1111]

Wow, that really hit you hard, didn't it, sotagoon? I'm so sorry. You know, before I read your take on it, my impression of her text was that it's hard for her to see you because she feels too much for you. Are you sure that's not what she meant? If I were you, I'd text her back and ask, 'Why is it hard for you to see me?'

[sotagoon]

It has been a few days since my last post and I have been progressively getting worse by the day.

 

I can no longer go through a day without breaking down a few times.

 

I wasn't sure I wanted to respond at all to the email that sent me off this cliff, as it had been like 5 weeks without any contact. I didn't want to break that NC only to have a meltdown worse than ever.

 

Well, I did respond, and only with the simple question: "Why is it SO hard to see me?"

 

I have not gotten a response nor a text, nor a call,......nothing.

 

 

As I said, I am having a terrible time with this mess. I love this woman and she has walked out 3 times now in the last 3.5 years, each time WITHOUT warning and no explanation after.

 

In my mind, my brain is telling me that this is not GOOD, but my heart is reminding me of how much I care about her, worry she is ok/healthy (cancer), and that I would NEVER walk away from her.

 

The feeling of INADEQUACY is immense!

 

I don't trust anyone, not even my own family anymore. I am a shell of what I was and the purpose for each day seems to run dry before I even make it out the door.

 

I have done everything I can to divert my mind, working out, spending time with friends, and reading. I've read so much in the last 12 weeks, that I think I have to pull the cork on my brain or it's going to explode.

 

The days seem to blend together and the weeks have gone by in a way that it feels like only 2 days since she left.

 

Where am I going wrong here?

[Chrome Barracuda]

SHE PLAYING YOU DUDE!

 

PICK YOURSELF UP AND IGNORE HER!!!!

 

She never loved you, She doesnt care and you need to drill that in your head. Where's your anger!!! channel those emotions and focus on yourself!

[Butterflair]

It's hard to see you because you remind her of what she did. She feels guilt and sadness when she sees you. Though I'm the one who asked my spouse to leave due to his affair, it's hard for me to see him too. I do better if I don't have to see him, seeing the bags under his eyes, the wetness in them, the sadness is hard emotionally to bear. He was the one who did wrong yet he makes me feel guilt and sadness. I gave 32 years to this man and he's giving it to a girl half his age.

 

You are not inadequate, you are hurting and you'll continue to hurt as long as you allow it. Take the one thing you CAN control (YOU) and move forward. Don't just kill time but make steps to actually move on. You sound like a kind and generous man, one that is hard to find and if she can't appreciate that then it's her loss. So many woman want someone like you. You do need to find some anger, it helps to get through the mushy days. Remember what she did to you and how she hurt you.

 

Put her stuff and mail in a box and leave it outside the door. Send an email to say where she can find it. Make up your mind that things will change and they will.

[mem11363]

what is the lesson in all this?

 

 

I know I'm probably going to get a bunch of hard nosed comments here, but I really need some support. Really bad!!

 

I was at the gym tonight and had a really good workout, even despite pulling something in my groin. After showering up I usually just sit in the locker room and relax for about 20 minutes or so before I leave.

 

As I was sitting there tonight I received an email from the estranged GF.

It brought me to tears right there in 2 seconds flat.

 

"Hi, I still haven't changed my address and need to pick up my mail. I know we need to meet but it is so hard for me to see you."

 

This felt like someone pulled my heart right out of my chest. I had to get up and leave right away and just sat in my car for almost an hour, some of the time in tears.

 

I know that I am weak right now, and I know some of you are going to say "Grow a spine". That's not what has me this low. The fact that I gave 8 years of my, understanding, forgiveness, acceptance, financial support and unconditional love to this woman and she can't stand to even look at me.

 

I have never cheated, been abusive or done anything malicious to this woman and she can't even stand to look at me?

 

I am really low right now and can't seem to come to terms with this. It has been 5 weeks since she last communicated with me and it was a snide comment then.

 

I need some support bad...this is the first time in my life that I am straight asking for that.

[LisaUk]

Hi Sotagoon

 

I can relate to the the whole "it's hard for me" attitude, my ex did it to me too. What it boils down to is their selfishness. Their selfish need to avoid the consequences of what they have done to you. What has struck me about this is that the type of people, like your ex and mine, who walk without warning and I suspect are CP (mine included), do not have the capacity to face the reality of life. What I mean by that is that they don't seem able to face up to and deal with their responsibilities, that is evidenced in their walking to begin with. I know when I was with my ex, I often felt that I was the only one working at our relationship, that sometimes it was like hitting my head against a brick wall, there was just no comprehension on his part. I'm not explaining this very well! LOL

 

I guess what I am trying to say is that he was a flake. I get the impression from what you have said about your ex that she is a flake to. I think I mentioned that I know a female CP at law school with me and guess what? She is the biggest flake I have ever known!

 

I promise you, this is not about your inadequecy, this is about hers.

[sotagoon]

Where's your anger!!! channel those emotions and focus on yourself!

 

You do need to find some anger, it helps to get through the mushy days. Remember what she did to you and how she hurt you.

 

This is what I can not wrap my brain around. I haven't been able to be angry with her. This isn't normal for me, because in the past, this was never a problem. I have always let my emotions out...but now it just seems to be that I am angry with myself and my own perceived shortcomings.

 

I feel as though the pedestal she is on is too high to bring down, but I'm not sure why I keep her there?

 

 

 

what is the lesson in all this?

??????

 

 

I promise you, this is not about your inadequecy, this is about hers.

 

Don't get me wrong, I know that she has her own issues, but I guess I understand that everyone has their own things to deal with.

 

That all being said, I know that she is seeing someone else and that this was apparent almost immediately after she left. I'm fighting with how I missed the boat. What did I not bring to the table that she seeks elsewhere.

 

Was I not supportive enough throughout her cancer treatment? Without writing a novel, I told her that I would be there every step of the way when she was diagnosed.

 

Her response was, "You aren't the one with cancer. I don't want you there when I see the doctors, you need to go to work."

This wrecked me inside, hence part of the inadequacy feeling. So what...go away, but then you're not here enough/supportive? (Can do no right)

 

Now, of course, I was there for months, living at the hospital every night. Bringing her everything she asked for and helping in whatever way I could.

Why...because I love her, and that's what supportive SO's do for the most important person in their life.

 

I know life isn't always fair, it's just that a life built together is an every day thing, not just when convienent and that's what I brought.

 

I am going to try to make this the end of the line for my emotional rollercoaster. The feeling of numb will just have to do for a while. In a way, I kind of feel like maybe just letting everything just BE for a while will allow it to die away or at least lessen.

Edited February 14, 2010 by sotagoon

[txsilkysmoothe]

I know it's a little thing, but I'm struck that her mail is still coming to your home? Can't you submit an address change to the PO if she will not? Can't you refuse all of her mail, returning it to the PO? These little things that take her out of your daily life can be empowering, the start to you truly letting go. She should have no reason to come to your home. If she still has belongings there, pack them up, and put them on the curb for her to pick up.

 

I get so angry at these types of situations and they don't even involve me. How you can find this woman appealing is beyond me. Are you going to accept her treating you this way for the rest of your life, coming back when she doesn't have a man and staying until she finds a new man????

YOU deserve so much more. In your day to day life, do you never see a woman you find attractive? Do you never consider moving on and meeting another woman?

[LisaUk]

This is what I can not wrap my brain around. I haven't been able to be angry with her. This isn't normal for me, because in the past, this was never a problem. I have always let my emotions out...but now it just seems to be that I am angry with myself and my own perceived shortcomings.

 

I feel as though the pedestal she is on is too high to bring down, but I'm not sure why I keep her there?

 

 

 

 

??????

 

 

 

Don't get me wrong, I know that she has her own issues, but I guess I understand that everyone has their own things to deal with.

 

That all being said, I know that she is seeing someone else and that this was apparent almost immediately after she left. I'm fighting with how I missed the boat. What did I not bring to the table that she seeks elsewhere. You brought commitment to the table and she can't handle that, she freaked, just like the past two times and eventually she will freak when things get too commited with the OM, then she will probably come running back to you again. You deserve so much better. Even if she returned again, this relationship cannot go anywhere until she admits and gets help for her CP. You have to stop beating yourself up, take it from someone who beat themselves black and blue for 11 months, why did I not know he was unahappy? Why did I not encourage him to get a motorbike, why didn't I just keep quiet about my needs etc? He told me i didn't know he was unahppy b/c he kept it hidden! He seriously left me b/c he said I wouldn't let him have a motorbike (long story and not the case by the way), seriously, are these reasons to leave an 18 year relationship?????? My point is, this isn't about what you did or didn't do, that much is clear by her leaving twice before and returning to you, there is and was nothing you could have done.

 

Was I not supportive enough throughout her cancer treatment? Without writing a novel, I told her that I would be there every step of the way when she was diagnosed.

 

Her response was, "You aren't the one with cancer. I don't want you there when I see the doctors, you need to go to work."

This wrecked me inside, hence part of the inadequacy feeling. So what...go away, but then you're not here enough/supportive? (Can do no right)

 

Now, of course, I was there for months, living at the hospital every night. Bringing her everything she asked for and helping in whatever way I could.

Why...because I love her, and that's what supportive SO's do for the most important person in their life.

 

I know life isn't always fair, it's just that a life built together is an every day thing, not just when convienent and that's what I brought.

 

I am going to try to make this the end of the line for my emotional rollercoaster. The feeling of numb will just have to do for a while. In a way, I kind of feel like maybe just letting everything just BE for a while will allow it to die away or at least lessen.

..........

[sotagoon]

So after almost 3 weeks of ZERO interaction/communication I got an email last night that hit hard.

 

I don't know what to say. We were not growing together, we were growing apart.You have way too much to deal with and I will not be treated like you treat your own family. You seemed very burdened and irritated with them and me. You DO NOT have all the answers! I am very sad to see our future together fade, but it feels good to be on my own.

This hits me hard for a number of reasons, but most importantly, that I never realized how the demands of my family weighed on my relationship. See, I have always been a "just get it done" kind of guy. I've never had resentment nor have I really set any boundaries.

 

"The way you treat your own family" is a description of how I get irritated when I am pulled in too many directions. Sometimes I just don't have any more to give. Now this is hard, because after my father died 10 years ago, I became the go to guy. I feel like I have never really had much of a say, but just a duty to be the MAN of the family.

 

I want to prove to her that she is MOST important and that I'll run through brick walls to be by her side. ( I did, with her cancer treatment)

 

What can I do to convey this to her. I know that I need to be better at setting healthy boundaries, but is it too late? Can I save the realtionship that I had with the most important person in my life?

 

If she is not here to witness my strides, do I just have to walk away and let the love of my life slip through my fingers?

[sugarmomma]

It sounds like she does not want to be with you. Sometimes people think that it is a sign of strength to continue holding on but sometimes the strength is in letting go.

 

No fun being in love by yourself so I would suggest you start the healing process of letting go. After losing your dignity and respect so many times, she will NEVER respect you truly as a man.

 

Sorry that you had to go through this but there is a lesson for you to learn but you're the only one that can decide what that is.

 

From what I have read it sounds like you may be addicted to emotional pain and have experience what is called "traumatic bonding" with her.

 

You remind me a little of my exh who i used to abandon the way she has done you. my reasons for doing so were more to protect myself and not to hurt him. He seemed to get off on the whole thing. I hate to say that but he was such a martyr and codependent that he equated PAIN with LOVE.

 

PAIN is not LOVE.

 

I wish you the best.

[Angel1111]

The two of you are totally incompatible. How many times does she have to walk out on you to get that point across? It doesn't matter what you did with your family, how you reacted, or anything else. She doesn't understand you and you don't understand her. This feeling of love does not mean the relationship was meant to last forever. This is the part you seem to miss over and over again. Let. Her. Go.

[LisaUk]

So after almost 3 weeks of ZERO interaction/communication I got an email last night that hit hard.

 

I don't know what to say. We were not growing together, we were growing apart.You have way too much to deal with and I will not be treated like you treat your own family. You seemed very burdened and irritated with them and me. You DO NOT have all the answers! I am very sad to see our future together fade, but it feels good to be on my own.

 

This hits me hard for a number of reasons, but most importantly, that I never realized how the demands of my family weighed on my relationship. See, I have always been a "just get it done" kind of guy. I've never had resentment nor have I really set any boundaries.

 

"The way you treat your own family" is a description of how I get irritated when I am pulled in too many directions. Sometimes I just don't have any more to give. Now this is hard, because after my father died 10 years ago, I became the go to guy. I feel like I have never really had much of a say, but just a duty to be the MAN of the family.

 

I want to prove to her that she is MOST important and that I'll run through brick walls to be by her side. ( I did, with her cancer treatment)

 

What can I do to convey this to her. I know that I need to be better at setting healthy boundaries, but is it too late? Can I save the realtionship that I had with the most important person in my life?

 

If she is not here to witness my strides, do I just have to walk away and let the love of my life slip through my fingers?

 

Hi

 

I'm not really in the best place to be offering you support or advice right now, but I will say ask yourself this, why does she not ask what you need? Why is the problem that you get irritated rather than what she can do to help the person she loves? Why does she not ask herself why you are irritated? She seems very selfish to me, it's all about her right, never even considers to ask why you react the way you do, the fact you are under stress from all sides, no empathy, no understanding, not even any comprehension for your feelings.

[Chrome Barracuda]

So after almost 3 weeks of ZERO interaction/communication I got an email last night that hit hard.

 

I don't know what to say. We were not growing together, we were growing apart.You have way too much to deal with and I will not be treated like you treat your own family. You seemed very burdened and irritated with them and me. You DO NOT have all the answers! I am very sad to see our future together fade, but it feels good to be on my own.

 

 

ARE YOU F-ING KIDDING ME???

 

this is what she sends to you when she has cancer blaiming you, for things?!!

 

SHE F-ING LEFT instead of growing closer in her time of pain, she abuses you?

 

take it from me.

 

BLOCK HER F-ING EMAIL ADDRESS! PLEASE BLOCK HER ADDRESS, LET HER DEAL WITH THE CANCER LIKE SHE CHOOSES!

 

its not your fault, it is not your fault. please believe me when i say that. she's abusing you. God i couldnt stand to be treated by anyone like she treats you. Dont you worry, cancer or no cancer she'll always be an azzhole.

 

She has cancer and all she does is lashes out and hurt you? WTF are you Kidding me!

[txsilkysmoothe]

Snap Out Of It!

 

You are a good man. You're the kind of man every woman wants.

 

She is a mean woman. She can't be with you because she can't look at you. She can't look at you because you are a constant reminder of the fact that she is a USER. She used you repeatedly. She has to vilify you to justify her treatment of you. How can you accept her words as truth? Fight for yourself, man! Fight for your life! Take it back, baby!

[sotagoon]

Hi

 

I'm not really in the best place to be offering you support or advice right now, but I will say ask yourself this, why does she not ask what you need? Why is the problem that you get irritated rather than what she can do to help the person she loves? Why does she not ask herself why you are irritated? She seems very selfish to me, it's all about her right, never even considers to ask why you react the way you do, the fact you are under stress from all sides, no empathy, no understanding, not even any comprehension for your feelings.

 

I agree here, in fact she told me last week when we spoke, "I don't care what things you're dealing with." I'm sure that comes from a few different angles, one being that she has her own issues she is dealing with and being concerned with me/mine is just too much for her. I also think she resents the fact that I'm not PERFECTLY stable in that sense, to handle the seriousness of her cancer battle without distraction of my own issues.

I know it probably doesn't mean anything, but I have just always pushed everything out of the way to try to be there for her when shee needs it.

 

 

 

ARE YOU F-ING KIDDING ME???

 

this is what she sends to you when she has cancer blaiming you, for things?!!

 

SHE F-ING LEFT instead of growing closer in her time of pain, she abuses you?

 

take it from me.

 

BLOCK HER F-ING EMAIL ADDRESS! PLEASE BLOCK HER ADDRESS, LET HER DEAL WITH THE CANCER LIKE SHE CHOOSES!

 

its not your fault, it is not your fault. please believe me when i say that. she's abusing you. God i couldnt stand to be treated by anyone like she treats you. Dont you worry, cancer or no cancer she'll always be an azzhole.

 

She has cancer and all she does is lashes out and hurt you? WTF are you Kidding me!

 

 

 

Snap Out Of It!

 

You are a good man. You're the kind of man every woman wants.

 

She is a mean woman. She can't be with you because she can't look at you. She can't look at you because you are a constant reminder of the fact that she is a USER. She used you repeatedly. She has to vilify you to justify her treatment of you. How can you accept her words as truth? Fight for yourself, man! Fight for your life! Take it back, baby!

 

 

I am starting to see my relationship and situation from some different angles, and albeit the fact that I don't like what I'm seeing, I guess I'm somewhat NOT surprised that we are HERE.

 

She tells me, "You have too much to deal with" / "You seemed burdened by your family and me" / "You DO NOT have all the answers". From where I stand, this sounds like she has deep rooted anger and resentment toward me.

 

It is very true that I have had alot to deal with every day and probably to top it all off, my own emotional stability has been a mess for some time. I think I have had the ability to put on a happy face and cover up some of the hurt for a long time, but I guess she has been able to see right through it. I have never wanted to burden her at all with this, and in fact, by covering it up, I have probably not really dealt with it either?

 

I'm not sure how I am going to make good of this situation? I know I need to address my own issues now, not putting them on the back burner any longer, but I am SCARED *****LE$$ that I will lose the woman I love forever, in the process.

 

I feel as though I need to become as close to perfect, and without ANY issues to even have the chance to show her that I can be there for her. I feel as though I am parylized by fear and that this shows through.

 

I know that in order to become more emotionally healthy, I will need to put aside all other distractions to concentrate on ME and MY issues. This scares me so much that it brings me to tears every time I think about it.

I am so scared that my life will not include her at all and I want so badly to be able to be the man she wants and needs.

 

I'm not sure if this makes any sense, but I am starting to see that maybe my fear is what has driven her away.

 

I am on vacation, half way accross the country, and can't really seem to fully enjoy being here. I feel parylized by the fear of loss and the idea of never being able to reapair the most important thing in my life. I don't want to return home to the house we lived in, the "half" of a life that is left and the miserable idea that I am completely powerless in my own life. Every day I understand that I don't NEED her to survive, but I WANT her as part of my life.

 

Where did I go wrong? Why can't I pull all of this back together? Where do I go from here?

 

I know that I can't continue this way for the rest of my life, but I am scared that if I stop caring about putting this back together to work on ME and MY issues, that she will be gone forever and that scares me more than anything else.

 

I don't know how else to say this, but I am scared about the idea that I need to be as close to perfect to ever have a chance to win her back? I am almost certain that this is my only hope and the reality of this happening is probably slim to none. This leaves me in a place unable to make a decision to move on or continue to fight for her and US.

 

I've always thought that the only time I fail, is when I give up. This is the exact reason that I have refused to let go for so long. I can and do fight for this every day because I know that I want to be happy and happy with her.

 

I'm really sorry for what is probably a very incoherant post, but I didn't know what else to do this morning. I am away from home and suposed to be enjoying it, yet I am stuck in this rut and it is interfering with my vacation.

 

Thank you for listening to me this morning, everyone that has done so.

Edited March 1, 2010 by sotagoon