Hit by the train - #3

[Gunny376]

Snap Out Of It!

 

You are a good man. You're the kind of man every woman wants.

 

She is a mean woman. She can't be with you because she can't look at you. She can't look at you because you are a constant reminder of the fact that she is a USER. She used you repeatedly. She has to vilify you to justify her treatment of you. How can you accept her words as truth? Fight for yourself, man! Fight for your life! Take it back, baby!

 

 

Marry me! :love: :love:

[Trojan John]

I agree here, in fact she told me last week when we spoke, "I don't care what things you're dealing with."

 

From where I stand, this sounds like she has deep rooted anger and resentment toward me.

 

I'm not sure how I am going to make good of this situation? I know I need to address my own issues now, not putting them on the back burner any longer, but I am SCARED *****LE$$ that I will lose the woman I love forever, in the process.

 

I feel as though I am parylized by fear and that this shows through.

 

I am so scared that my life will not include her at all and I want so badly to be able to be the man she wants and needs.

 

I'm not sure if this makes any sense, but I am starting to see that maybe my fear is what has driven her away.

 

Where did I go wrong? Why can't I pull all of this back together? Where do I go from here?

 

...that she will be gone forever and that scares me more than anything else.

 

...the reality of this happening is probably slim to none.

 

I can and do fight for this every day because I know that I want to be happy and happy with her.

 

 

The thing that you won't admit -- the thing that we've all been saying since page 1 -- the thing that she has been telling you constantly -- the thing that the little voice in the back of your mind is whispering over and over...

 

...IS THAT IT'S OVER!

 

Time to move on. Get counseling. Surround yourself with friends. Get on with your life.

 

YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH HER IS OVER! SNAP OUT OF IT ALREADY.

 

Stop fearing change, because it's happening with or without you. Better to be in control of some of it, rather than letting it control you, no?

[sotagoon]

The thing that you won't admit -- the thing that we've all been saying since page 1 -- the thing that she has been telling you constantly -- the thing that the little voice in the back of your mind is whispering over and over......IS THAT IT'S OVER!

 

 

YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH HER IS OVER! SNAP OUT OF IT ALREADY.

 

Stop fearing change............

 

 

You're right......some how I guess I have been affraid to admit this because it will mean that my faults and shortcomings led to failure.

 

I am a VERY VERY sore loser. I guess maybe other issues have led me here.

 

Thanks for stating the blunt reality

[LisaUk]

OK, your faults and shortcomings did NOT lead to this, HERS did. SHe chose to walk away from you, not once, not twice, but THREE times and each time she had another man waiting for her to use.

 

This is not your fault. You do not need to be perfect for her, she should love you for who and what you are, I mean come on, you have a heart of gold, all you wanted for her was the best, to be the best you could to make her happy, how can this possibily be about you.

[sotagoon]

Although I haven't posted on my own thread for a while, I have spent some time here with others.

 

Yesterday was my 2nd therapy session and I left with a slight feeling of numb...or maybe indifference? The therapist asked me to compile 2 lists for the next session and I seem to be somewhat hung-up? She asked me for a list of "Why I want her back?" & "Why I don't want her back?" This seems kind of like a round about way of doing a Relationship Inventory.

 

Last week was really tough for some reason, and there wasn't any one thing that was a trigger. Every day I was in tears at some point, yet still unable to have or find any anger. I don't know why this is?

 

When I woke up this morning, there was something that felt different....or just unusual. I was mad that the relationship was over...and that SHE decided to throw it all away....WHY, because life wasn't a fairy tail?

I'm still not angry at her for any one thng, in fact I feel kind of sad that she deals with adversity like this...to run..or take what she feels is control.

 

The therapist said to me that she feels like there is so much "hurt" in her, that she left to protect herself. That this is the only way she sees that she can make sure that I don't "leave her" when she's down. Kinda like a pre-emptive bite!

 

I don't know what to do now? I love this woman, but my patience is almost gone. I hurt, and she doesn't see this nor does she seem to care.

 

We have not talked in a while, at all...and it feels like the distance is so great, that it's insurmountable. (that's gotta be wrong)I feel as though I am on the edge of turning the corner, but I am choosing not to because I don't want to give up and because for me, in order to turn the corner, I have to COMPLETELY let go....without any looking back ever. (I can't do that to her...she's my lady..I'd never give up on her)

 

Today has been hard, and even though I'm staying busy, it's not enough.

I'm mentally exhausted and it's turning into a physical exhaustion.

 

I would do ANYTHING to right this ship....but at the same time, I'm worn out and don't know how much more I can take or change?

Edited March 10, 2010 by sotagoon

[unsureLP]

I just read your first post, and I'm really sorry you're going through all of this.

 

Try to take one thing at a time, one day at a time. Try not to focus on what your future might have been like, but on what you have to do now. To me it seems that it's to take care of yourself. Easier said than done, right? Why don't you try to start by writing somethings down on the counselor's lists? Try writing one list of things you liked about her and one of things you didn't like about her. Surely there are things you don't like about her (like the fact that she runs away?). Maybe you can start there and see where it goes.

[sotagoon]

Been a while since I last posted and I have felt like an absolute pile pretty much the entire time.

 

A day after my last post she left me a message while I was in a meeting to let me know that she was going on "Spring Break" with a girlfriend and she wouldn't be around for a week...Kinda surprised me that she wanted me to know that since we haven't talked for over a month and that I haven't seen here since the day she left. (Nov) She told me that she wanted to "see" if I wanted to get together after she got back. I returned the call and left a message to simply call me.....that was a month ago. ...No call back before or after her supposed trip.

 

Since....this piece of garbage that I think she's seeing has decided it a good idea to post pictures of them on the internet....I swear I will go to jail if/when I see this garbage.

 

BTW....I can and have forgiven her for running to another guy each time she has left....see she doesn't dive in heavily until like a day or two after she leaves me..I think that's her justification that it's not cheating.

 

Today while I was in a meeting, guess who calls again....yep..."Hey, it's ME...want to get together?.....Hope THINGS are going well for you....Hopefully we'll talk soon."

 

Now....It has been a month since she last called. No response to her request last time.....Today...I was ruined for the rest of the day.

 

 

I want so bad to see her.....to pour my heart out to her....to MAKE her believe me and understand that I love her more than anything else in the world.....I think most of all....I want her to love me back. I want her to see how good life can be when you believe in each other.

 

Now....I know telling her these things are the last thing she wants to hear.....but then why does she call like this?...Why won't she let the things I tell her ring true?...Why does this not matter to her?.....Why doesn't that change how she sees the relationship?

 

I am afraid to see her...because my emotions WILL get the best of me...and I WILL cry. I WILL ask her to re-consider.

 

I don't know how to handle sitting across the table from her thinking there might be another guy...it will feel like taking a continuous stream of bullets to the chest.

 

I feel like I don't want to see her unless it is to talk about how we can start over.....clear the slate and see each other for respectable humans that care for each other.

 

I know this will NOT come out of her mouth in a voicemail....so it feels as though I won't know what to think unless I DO see her.

 

Everyone that cares about me tells me that I SHOULD NOT want nor attempt to get back together....but I want to have the life that can be....with her.

 

I have not called her back yet from earlier today...and I feel like maybe I shouldn't or that I should make her call me again...I just feel like that's playing games.......

 

 

God..I am LOST...and can barely think straight.....I need help.

 

 

Well....off to my hockey game....someone's probably gonna get hurt tonight..that is if they look at me cross-eyed.

 

Please...any help is appreciated.....Thanks

Edited April 6, 2010 by sotagoon

[txsilkysmoothe]

You don't really want help - you want someone to tell you it's okay to keep kissing her a$$.

 

It is a game, HER game, and you're going to lose every time you agree to play.

 

She contacts you because she likes having an idolizer and you're more than willing to play such a pathetic insignificant role in her pathetic insignificant life. You're not going to get over her until you want to and you REALLY don't want to.

[sotagoon]

You don't really want help - you want someone to tell you it's okay to keep kissing her a$$.

 

It's REALLY NOT about ignoring help from others ( Ihave started to see a therapist...4 times so far...and it's not about kissing her a$$....I'm just lost when it comes to GIVING UP

 

It is a game, HER game, and you're going to lose every time you agree to play.

 

It REALLY ISN'T a game to me...and I don't want it to BE a game....this is life...certainly not a game to me.

 

She contacts you because she likes having an idolizer and you're more than willing to play such a pathetic insignificant role in her pathetic insignificant life. You're not going to get over her until you want to and you REALLY don't want to.

 

Quite the contrary...I don't want to be insignificant.....I want to be the team mate / partner I was for the first 5 years of the relationship.

 

I appreciate the blunt/honest viewpoint.....I really just want to live the life that was wonderful from the beginning. I don;t know where/when someone flipped the switch...but I want them to flip it back.

 

I know it's probably tiring to try to help and offer advice to feel like it falls on deaf ears....but it doesn't....I really do listen.

 

BTW...I HAVE NOT called her...and I'm not sure I can handle doing so.

[Angel1111]

If you really want this woman back, then you ARE going to need to play games, whether you like it or not, and you will need to do just about everything that goes against your instincts. Because, so far, your instincts and non-game-playing policy has backfired on you with incredible consistency.

 

The only way you're going to open her eyes and make her respect you is to start acting like you have some self-respect. I once dated a guy who has real issues with self-respect and, honestly, it got on my nerves. He was like a puppy dog around me. I later broke up with him because he had been sulking for 3 wks over the fact that he didn't think I loved him the way he loved me. I got tired of it. But about 3 mos later, he wanted to see me again and he was a completely different person. Unfortunately, things didn't work out between us but I have to say that I finally had some respect for him because he changed the way he acted with me.

 

You need to make your ex think that she has screwed things up for the last time, that she has finally lost you. If you go running back to her the second she calls you, then you will lose all over again. Don't call her. And if you must call her, then wait at least 3 days. When you do call her, be very distant and don't be ready to agree to see her. Tell her that you'll have to think about it. If you can't do that, then don't call her at all. Until you gain some control over yourself, you cannot engage her in conversation and you cannot let yourself get sucked back into the games she plays with you.

 

If it were me, I'd tell her to go screw herself. This woman has more games up her sleeve than I've even know anyone to have. She is already aware of your feelings for her and she's very confident that she can manipulate you any time she wants. Shock the hell out of her by not being there for her this time around. And then watch her start doing a real dance.

[sotagoon]

I have not called her back for a number of reasons, but probably the most important........I don't know what to say. I don't want to be miserable with her, and I only want back the person she has shown me that was genuine and caring.

 

I don't want to "GO BACK" persay.....I want to start over. The problem I have, is that the relationship seemed to be built on the fact that I was a provider and that she needed that. On the other side of the coin....this to her was "controlling".

 

See....when I had to make responsible decisions, at the cost of fun sometimes....this was controlling. When I wanted to spend more time together....she said I was "smothering".

 

At this point....I feel like her intent is to gain closure of some sort because she has moved on. I on the other hand have never been given the opportunity to even discuss what apparently leads to her leaving. This is why I am so floored.

 

She told me that she said many times....."Maybe you need to see someone about that?".......The problem with this is, it was usually accompanied by an insult or critique about something that we were not agrreable on. See...when I do voice my opinion.....and don't agree..."Maybe you need to go see someone about that? (The fact that I don't agree)

 

Games.....yeah...I guess games is what need to be played.....but I don't see how that accomplishes anything.

 

I know...I probably sound like a walking contradiction....and may come across as a "Softy"....but I only became that way for two reasons:

 

1. When she left the first time....it was my fault and I needed to change. This scared me into feeling like I was not enough.

 

2. When she was diagnosed with cancer........I felt like I just needed to take a back seat and agree....kind of smallow it for a while. In the end...this was held against me.

 

I feel like I can't win. I feel like I do my best and it's not good enough. I feel like I was in a relationship with myself sometimes.

 

Responsibility has been great for me since my father passed away. I was 21. I immediately had a family of my own with 2 kids to put through college, so I have never run away from anything.

 

I have always provided and when she became sick.....I was terrified.

My slaes dropped, and so did my income. My anxiety was so high...I almost couldn't function sometimes......but guess what...I was still there.

 

Today....I feel like a shell of a MAN and a shell of a HUMAN. I have NOTHING left!

 

I didn't have anyone to lean on...or anyone to really relate to.

 

I can't handle living like this much longer.....I'm losing weight by the minute because I can't eat.

 

I know in my mind that I don't NEED this woman to continue living.

 

Sorry for the pity party here.....not really my thing.....just LOST like I said before.

 

BTW...I don;t want to kill myself physically......but it feels like I need to kill off the person I am and have been for my life until now. I hate that feeling.

 

I feel like my only hope here.....is to wipe out my past and never look back...forget all the good and bad...like it never happened.

Edited April 6, 2010 by sotagoon

[Angel1111]

For all the qualities that you talk about that you have, most women would appreciate a great deal. Everyone on this site keeps telling you that over and over again. You are a fine and decent man. It's beyond your comprehension that someone wouldn't value a relationship where there is love. You're responsible and caring and loving and dedicated, and you have a heart of gold.

 

But the problem is that you have let this woman define your value. You put so much stock in the opinion of someone who's vision is very twisted and limited and selfish. This is a serious error in judgement on your part and it's costing you every single day that you continue to do it. If you're looking for reasons, if you're looking for logic, then there it is. You are a fabulous human being who doesn't make good judgements as to who you let into your life, who you let get close to you.

 

If it takes starving out these old perceptions and feelings that you have about yourself, then do it. Let those emotions die completely so that you can move beyond them and find peace and contentment once again. There IS someone out there who would sell their soul to find a man like you. There IS someone out there who will love you and want to grow old with you. Once you believe that, things will become much clearer. And you'll become much happier knowing that you are worthy and deserving.

[sotagoon]

I haven't been here for a while and I've been on one hell of a rollercoaster. I spend alot of time by myself traveling for work and most days I break down at some point when I'm on my way home.....The place I always cherished going.

 

This place is now has such an empty feeling, not to mention when I walk in the door, the dog (her dog) greets me and reminds me of what was. I love him so much that I would never let go of him, but it just breaks my heart when I don't have the rest of the dream there too.

 

I have a great NEW friend that has helped me alot, especially recently, and has become a great confidante. We both are sharing this time of separation. He has just recently finalized his divorce. I have been able to step outside of the situation, albeit only very breifly, but it has helped me see some errors in my ways....as well as some of hers.

 

I just still can not let go of her. She is the woman that I love, and will always love.

 

I had the opportunity to speak with her recently, and she said, "I miss you" and "I miss our life together". These things really tug at my heart, especially because she knows I want US to work.

 

Below is an email that I wrote to a friend....explaining how something I read HERE (sorry for no footnote) really opened my eyes to how I need to OWN -- ONLY -- MY actions.

 

I know that everyone here has told me that I need to just let go of this person that maybe isn't capable of this relationship...but I want her to know that I have seen MY errors and how they may have affected her thinking.

 

I'm also considering writing her a letter to let her know about my introspection...but some say this is for me ONLY. (No need to share with her)

 

SO...fire away and I'm not a softy when it come to criticism.

 

Thanks for eveyones support here...I really do appreciate it.

 

 

 

FROM ANOTHER POST HERE ON "LS"

 

No question that control is a romance killer. Now that I've stepped back and begun to observe (as opposed to actually living inside of it, which makes it harder to see) it seems having children with someone really brings control issues to the surface. When you're dating, each is so totally into the other; digging who they are and really trying to understand. Introduce kids to the equation and somewhere, somehow the mindset of "Now we have children! Someone needs to steer this ship!" creeps in. In time, one partner or the other begins to treat the spouse like one of the children, not a lover.

This puts additional stress on the controller and robs the identity of the person being controlled. When the latter meets someone who just digs them for them (and not because they are the parent of a child) their weakness can allow an affair to follow. One way or another, we all seek balance.

This, along with many, many other reasons is why a person should reach a certain level of maturity before marriage and children. When little ones are small, it's easy to forget that someday they'll grow and leave. What's left behind is what has been built through the years. Is it good or bad? That, of course, depends on how much work has been put into it.

 

Mistakes -even ones made with the best of intentions- are still mistakes.

-- She used to say to me...."The road to hell is paved with good intentions"...God I hated when she said that because I did most things out of love and care.

 

 

So....In my relationship, REPLACE ..."CHILDREN"...with RESPONSIBILITIES (Home, bills....common or mutually decided responsibilities)

 

In the case of "When the children GROW and LEAVE".......this is replaced by..."When we become more established"...as in financially. (2 contributing incomes)

Life would theoretically become a little easier and share equally, the responsibilities...therefore maybe understanding each others stressors and not faulting them for being stressed out. In my case, 1.) I had the brunt, if not all of that responsibility and the stress that goes along with it, but....2.) I also made a DECISION to be passive and hold it all in because I wanted to make her life easier. In fact.....all I did was make her upset and frustrated that I couldn't be the man she met and fell in love with, because I was so lost, self-defeated and embarrassed that I couldn't be the MAN of the relationship. (Hold down the fort on my own)......This is sometimes why I say that "I live in the wrong generation"....because I see the MAN as the provider......This is MY FAULT!

 

I changed over time because of the changes that happened in my life......BUSINESS and less income (I didn't adjust my lifestyle because I thought I'd lose her)

I also became MORE tangled up in this thought process when she left the first time. I felt I had to step it up even more, and what I did was create an unrealistic expectation of myself and set myself up for failure. This is where I am today.......A FAILURE at the most important thing in my life.

 

"If a person is so determined NOT to lose something, they will undoubtedly lose it eventually."

 

 

I decided to take on a responsibility in my life 11 years ago that has proven to a large contributing factor in where I am today. I have also made some very poor decisions along the way that has made this an even deeper hole.

 

Some days I regret the decision I made that rainy day on the couch at the cabin, and some other days I am so proud of being the person that did it.

All I've ever wanted to be is the man that measured up to HALF of what my father was. The best man I have ever known. He had his weaknesses, but dammit...he went out on top.

 

Every day that I am away from HER is another day that I have failed to be that man he showed me. The one who never let his family down, never showed anyone that he was scared...and most important (to me anyway) never wavered in his intent to be the best MAN for his wife and family.

 

Most days all I can think about is if he were here, I might be closer to being that kind of man and maybe in turn, not in the position I am in.

 

God it hurts to think that I never meant any harm to HER, but all she sees is someone that is/was controlling. I wanted an EQUAL...a TEAMMATE.

I just want to have the chance to show her this...but I need her to SEE IT...for what my real intent is/was.

Edited May 14, 2010 by sotagoon

[sailer]

This could be my story to a tee which i have already written about..Been 5 weeks of NC and i still miss her daily..What really hurt was her mother telling me that my wife said i do not want to speak to her..Unbelieveable 14 years just married 1.5 yrs..she starts a relationship with a guy at work then tells me its over and i did not treat her correctly..moves out 1month later..

I have been through everything you have gone through and continue..coming over to pick up things and she cries and cries in front of me..saying she needs to do this etc etc...well as with the dog analogy..she was from bad home..abusive father etc..alcohol, adultery etc etc..she had two 1 year marriages early in life..and i am the problem?..

in addition she is an alcoholic which because its not the fall down type i really do not do anything about it when i should but from what i learn probably she would not have married me if i pursued...and yes i am a good guy..make very good money..have a very good family..brought us to theraphy before we married..and still go now to help better myself..also going to Al on to educate myself on problem drinkers..but as with the dog she bit me good and is still in denial about her life issues...

i do cry almost daily of what happened..see families together and it hurts..i wanted kids and she did not and i accepted but then decided after we got married to say she now wants kids..i was really suspicious..still feel like she will come home one night and still find it hard to hate her i guess because i know her upbringing etc...hurts to see our pictures which are framed but lie flat...getting mail in her name and other things..i still ask why daily? and wake up very early in morning..i swear a few times i heard her call my name..people who i have not seen in while ask how she is or some other ask if we have kids...hurts very bad..she has given up sooo much for something she thinks will make her feel better..all i keep thinking is what an idiot!

since its been 5 weeks i imagine she may never call or contact me again..makes sense since that is what she did with other marriages..run away...blames the man..her father recent death they say was big impact but she is grown woman and has to realize her issues some day...screwed my life and trust me as you are i really loved this woman and still do that is what makes it so hard..i keep thinking i wished we fought a lot and both wanted out of marriage..

i feel for you and all i can say is spend time with people and realize you will cry and have bad days but i guess i am starting to accept the bad days and crying as normal...you also start to analyze things in the past..for me was that she was not understanding of my work issues two years even though I could have lost most of my net worth..she was then into wanting kids and did not care at all..

in my case alcoholics i have learned can be the most selfish people around and also have expectations for themselves and their sponses that are unattainable..hang in there and continue to read here..the LS has helped me tremendously as i feel i am not alone...

[phoenixman]

I haven't been here for a while and I've been on one hell of a rollercoaster. I spend alot of time by myself traveling for work and most days I break down at some point when I'm on my way home.....The place I always cherished going.

 

This place is now has such an empty feeling, not to mention when I walk in the door, the dog (her dog) greets me and reminds me of what was. I love him so much that I would never let go of him, but it just breaks my heart when I don't have the rest of the dream there too.

 

I have a great NEW friend that has helped me alot, especially recently, and has become a great confidante. We both are sharing this time of separation. He has just recently finalized his divorce. I have been able to step outside of the situation, albeit only very breifly, but it has helped me see some errors in my ways....as well as some of hers.

 

I just still can not let go of her. She is the woman that I love, and will always love.

 

I had the opportunity to speak with her recently, and she said, "I miss you" and "I miss our life together". These things really tug at my heart, especially because she knows I want US to work.

 

Below is an email that I wrote to a friend....explaining how something I read HERE (sorry for no footnote) really opened my eyes to how I need to OWN -- ONLY -- MY actions.

 

I know that everyone here has told me that I need to just let go of this person that maybe isn't capable of this relationship...but I want her to know that I have seen MY errors and how they may have affected her thinking.

 

I'm also considering writing her a letter to let her know about my introspection...but some say this is for me ONLY. (No need to share with her)

 

SO...fire away and I'm not a softy when it come to criticism.

 

Thanks for eveyones support here...I really do appreciate it.

 

 

 

FROM ANOTHER POST HERE ON "LS"

 

No question that control is a romance killer. Now that I've stepped back and begun to observe (as opposed to actually living inside of it, which makes it harder to see) it seems having children with someone really brings control issues to the surface. When you're dating, each is so totally into the other; digging who they are and really trying to understand. Introduce kids to the equation and somewhere, somehow the mindset of "Now we have children! Someone needs to steer this ship!" creeps in. In time, one partner or the other begins to treat the spouse like one of the children, not a lover.

This puts additional stress on the controller and robs the identity of the person being controlled. When the latter meets someone who just digs them for them (and not because they are the parent of a child) their weakness can allow an affair to follow. One way or another, we all seek balance.

This, along with many, many other reasons is why a person should reach a certain level of maturity before marriage and children. When little ones are small, it's easy to forget that someday they'll grow and leave. What's left behind is what has been built through the years. Is it good or bad? That, of course, depends on how much work has been put into it.

 

Mistakes -even ones made with the best of intentions- are still mistakes.

-- She used to say to me...."The road to hell is paved with good intentions"...God I hated when she said that because I did most things out of love and care.

 

 

So....In my relationship, REPLACE ..."CHILDREN"...with RESPONSIBILITIES (Home, bills....common or mutually decided responsibilities)

 

In the case of "When the children GROW and LEAVE".......this is replaced by..."When we become more established"...as in financially. (2 contributing incomes)

Life would theoretically become a little easier and share equally, the responsibilities...therefore maybe understanding each others stressors and not faulting them for being stressed out. In my case, 1.) I had the brunt, if not all of that responsibility and the stress that goes along with it, but....2.) I also made a DECISION to be passive and hold it all in because I wanted to make her life easier. In fact.....all I did was make her upset and frustrated that I couldn't be the man she met and fell in love with, because I was so lost, self-defeated and embarrassed that I couldn't be the MAN of the relationship. (Hold down the fort on my own)......This is sometimes why I say that "I live in the wrong generation"....because I see the MAN as the provider......This is MY FAULT!

 

I changed over time because of the changes that happened in my life......BUSINESS and less income (I didn't adjust my lifestyle because I thought I'd lose her)

I also became MORE tangled up in this thought process when she left the first time. I felt I had to step it up even more, and what I did was create an unrealistic expectation of myself and set myself up for failure. This is where I am today.......A FAILURE at the most important thing in my life.

 

"If a person is so determined NOT to lose something, they will undoubtedly lose it eventually."

 

 

I decided to take on a responsibility in my life 11 years ago that has proven to a large contributing factor in where I am today. I have also made some very poor decisions along the way that has made this an even deeper hole.

 

Some days I regret the decision I made that rainy day on the couch at the cabin, and some other days I am so proud of being the person that did it.

All I've ever wanted to be is the man that measured up to HALF of what my father was. The best man I have ever known. He had his weaknesses, but dammit...he went out on top.

 

Every day that I am away from HER is another day that I have failed to be that man he showed me. The one who never let his family down, never showed anyone that he was scared...and most important (to me anyway) never wavered in his intent to be the best MAN for his wife and family.

 

Most days all I can think about is if he were here, I might be closer to being that kind of man and maybe in turn, not in the position I am in.

 

God it hurts to think that I never meant any harm to HER, but all she sees is someone that is/was controlling. I wanted an EQUAL...a TEAMMATE.

I just want to have the chance to show her this...but I need her to SEE IT...for what my real intent is/was.

WOW! man I am in the same exact boat, great read!, this is my situation!

[mikeymad]

bump up to the top. This guy needs some advice.

[sotagoon]

So it's been quite a while w/o an update here.

Basically been almost 9 months since she walked out (last time I saw her). It's been about 3 months since we last spoke.

So this morning I awoke to a text message from her that said "I'm thinking about you today". Today being father's day, I guess she wanted to let me know since it's been almost 11 years without my father. (We both had a parent pass away earlier in life)

This has me in a tailspin....I would do anything in this world to have her back...and do anything to work on us.....anything.

You can find the history in the original post....but this is the 3rd time she's walked....there's an OM and it seems as though she has integrated him into every spot I once was....I mean everything!

 

I have been a bucket of tears all day long..and really want to see her. I haven't since the day she walked out.

 

I haven't ever given up on her or us and just have this overwhelming feeling that the solution is just simple....she just won't talk at all...never has been able to.

 

I have always wanted to be the best man and partner....but she just pulls me close and pushes me away and then says I'm not there for her...and another man is the answer?

 

God...today is always hard anyway..w/o my father...and without her....it's just really empty.

[bikes4u]

OP--I would not fall into that trap. Keep your mind consumed with something today.

[Trojan John]

And the circle is, once again, complete.

 

Are you ever going to learn?

 

Cut her out of your life completely and get counseling before this destroys you.

[sotagoon]

And the circle is, once again, complete.

 

Are you ever going to learn?

 

Cut her out of your life completely and get counseling before this destroys you.

 

TJ...Yes I agree...I have now been to (3) different therapists...all of them have been a farse. I gave it at least 5 session with each one and they all seem to be from the same fabric?

 

I felt as though there was no progress with any of them. In fact....I think all of them asked me the same thing multiple times...."What's it gonna take for you to get over her?"

 

To be honest with you, I feel like that's no different than asking me why I'm not better YET? ......****.....I don't know...that's why I'm trying to get help.

 

I've never felt so lost before in my life....I know everyone suggests that I do things that make ME happy...the things I gave up in my relationship....GUES WHAT?.......I don't really care about things any more.

 

I'm being recognized with a group of people tomorrow night for a pretty big acheivemnt in my job.....and I could give 2 licks less!..because she won't be there to share it with me.

 

I don't know where to go from here.....honestly....it kills me that she'll reach out like that, yet not be there for me at all.

 

I feel pretty worthless and easily replaced.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I know i might get an infraction for what im about to write but how is that different from any other day, lol:

 

Mayn, Where are your balls?

 

I mean the things you was born with, the things that solidified that you was a strong man before her. You were not created for her, she did not design you!

 

YOU WAS YOUR OWN MAN BEFORE SHE CAME INTO YOUR LIFE.

 

...Now no one said letting go was easy. But if you dont begin to let go now. You will be stuck pining for a worthless trashbag whore. Who did nothing to embarrass you, emasculate you, belittle you. People are laughing behind your back because your stuck on some dumb bitch who could give two licks about your well being.

 

Something is gonna have to snap you outta it. Get up OFF YO' AZZ!!

 

get out of this depression ****! time to man the F up!!!! time to realize that you are who you are. She left you, abandoned you! time for crying about it is past!!! time's up. stop having a F-ing pity party and put a battery in your back and walk away!

 

Goddamit! You are prolonging yourself from finding better love out there in the future by coming back and whining about your whore of an x!!!

 

Goddamn!

[mikeymad]

I have to type this before I forget it.

I haven't ever given up on her or us and just have this overwhelming feeling that the solution is just simple....she just won't talk at all...never has been able to.

The solution IS simple. But the situation is not. 90% of problems would get figured out if people would just communicate. I bet a majority of breakups/divorces happen because of communication problems. I'm betting we could've avoided dropping the bomb on Hiroshima if we could've talked to Japan, but they didn't want to "talk". Some people just don't like their paradigms and points of view challenged, because as the fabric of their reality unravels, their whole world will fall apart, so they cling to it for their own sanity. It becomes a survival mechanism, because the guilt of doing that to someone would be too much for a fragile ego.

 

TJ...Yes I agree...I have now been to (3) different therapists...all of them have been a farse.?????? I gave it at least 5 session with each one and they all seem to be from the same fabric?

 

I felt as though there was no progress with any of them. In fact....I think all of them asked me the same thing multiple times...."What's it gonna take for you to get over her?"

 

You've been to 3 that "haven't worked", and maybe you should look at the common denominator, which is you. They ask you it for a reason...because we have been spending so much time focusing on how we CAN'T get over them, those words really don't rattle around in the ol noggin. Making you think about what it will take to get over her starts the process, because the thoughts start to enter your consciousness. It's all about what you choose to focus your mind on...the problems, or the solutions. You say you're looking for the reason you can't move on, and it's simple. You don't want to. You're waiting for that phone call, for her to come home again when things don't work out with the OM and you think you can sit down and talk to her and she'll just "get it", which is why you've kept almost everything the same since she left, so she might just want to morph back into your old life together. This is summed up in the line from your other post I would do anything in this world to have her back...and do anything to work on us.....anything. It was a two way street, but it has now turned into a fork in the road. Thats why you're dragging your feet on severing all ties from her. Your two choices are to continue to wait for her and be in an existential funk, reading books and websites and pushing people away, OR you can live your life as though she died. Because the person you knew, thought you knew...did. Grieve the loss and the "good times", and acknowledge ONE thing. It's over and there is no going back. It's not about doing things that you gave up in the relationship, it's just about making you happy. Plain and simple. If they happen to be things you gave up, great. if they happen to be new and completely different, great.

 

 

I don't know where to go from here.....honestly....it kills me that she'll reach out like that, yet not be there for me at all.

 

She's not reaching out. DO NOT take it like that. It was an afterthought. Kind of like facebook reminds you of people's birthdays, and when it's yours a million people will say happy birthday, most of which you haven't talked to in years. She's either oblivious to what sending that message does to you, which puts her intelligence in question, or she does it on purpose, knowing what it will do either destroy you, or she will feel good about herself by pitying you. Don't give her the satisfaction of a response. Chalk this up to a mistake you made when you were young and dumb, and you didn't have the chance to figure out who she really was before you got seriously involved. And enjoy your moment in the spotlight tonight dude. You deserve it.

[sotagoon]

Thank you to all of the special people here that have taken time to lend a hand of support, realism, and candor.

 

Although it may seem that some of the advice I have received has gone in one ear and out the other, it really has not.

 

The crux of the matter is just that.....I have not made the CHOICE to move past this. In essence, I really haven't started the greif process, because in order to do so, I have to have acceptance of the situation and outcome.

 

In all honesty, I'm kind of scared and embarrassed at the same time to start that process now that it is this far down the line. I have to own this process and actually acknowledge that I'm here. (I think I've denied it too long)

 

It has been a very long time since I have really known who I am as an individual. Life events have made me kind of numb to the fact that I actually exist outside of that and other relationships. This I believe is not only a mechanism, but also the root of my inability to move forward. Because I have always been the one that most of my friends and family rely on to help THEM, I've not developed the ability to ASK for help myself, and trust that adivce given may just be good and work, in fear of revealing the soft/vulnerable underside and in turn maybe losing my importance with those people. Not sure why this is the case...but it is!

 

Again, the CHOICE that I need to make IS a simple one, although the decision to hold to it, is not. I will have to look toward others for a little while for support in holding true to the decision to move forward and forward only.

 

Thanks again to all of you that have opend your hearts, minds and yes...even your mouths...to help me. I will thank you all again some day when I can look back and laugh about my bewilderment.

 

Cheers

[habs53]

Hi, its almost been 3 weeks for me here and its not been easy. I feel for you. Anyways, the one thing i am learning real fast is that you being an emotional mess is only making things worst. Its very unatractive to the opposite sex. I am slowly realizing to look after me first. Maybe its to get her back maybe not. I am realizing that i am more important than her and its her loss. Time does help but you gotta help yourself. I was dumped by my ex girl friend years back and shortly after i met my wife. Now years later she told me that was a huge mistake and she was shocked that i forgot about her met someone else. So dont think your ex doesnt think about you. She certainly does. Better youself and make yourself more appealing for her or someone else. Most importantly yourself. Do the me me me routine i use. Everytime you think of her say that and think about yourself. It seems to work for me.

 

Her is a link of a short video of a very soothng lady. I watch it everyday. She will tell you from a womans aspect what you should do.

 

http://www.ehow.com/video_4974385_back-wife.html

[sotagoon]

Please help me.....the last two weekends the woman I love more than anyting....that left me for another man....has text messaged me and I have NOT responded.

 

First weekend...."How are you doing?"

The next day (Saturday) ....her is my new address.

 

 

this weekend.

 

"What is the name of that place we went on vacaction?...(Name of a bar in Arizona)

 

One minute later....name of bar!

 

 

I have not responded to either.

 

I am a wreck....I love her so much....this is killing me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!