Moving into the basement today....

[confusedinky]

Didn't go out of town with the wife this weekend to see her family so I can move to the basement without the kids around. We got into this morning when she asked me why I was acting "cold" toward her.... I just don't get it, she is admittedly still in touch with the other man and basically says she will not break off contact with him because I am so cold to her... if I want her back I need to warm up! NO concept of the hurt she causes me by still continuing contact (has it her head they can still be "friends" it's not sexual anymore... yeah right). Anyway... I am moving down to the hole wish me luck.

[nobmagnet]

im sorry you have to move to basement..............why doesnt she?just a thought.

 

How the bloody hell would she expect you to be warm to her>?????

 

head scratch............

[confusedinky]

I actually prefer the basement, has all of my musical gear, the home theater and office so I am looking at it like my own little studio apt..

 

Scorp I did ask her to move out, she won't go and short of court order don't think I could make her (+ if she did I would still need to collect some $$'s from her to keep the place good luck on that one). So, I am staying put for 2 reasons;

 

I've read in numerous places that if you want to ensure you keep custody of the kids and don't want to lose your house in the divorce you better stay put till the end.

 

Mainly though it comes down to economics, we moved out into the burbs so our kids could be in the best school system (as pitiful as KY schools are), there are no properties in this area that either one of us can afford alone (and no apartments are allowed out here) so it would mean uprooting my kids from school. We both are also considering a move back to our hometown if the job market ever loosens up and would hate to put my kids through too many transitions. As far as I am concerned we are now officially separated, just a couple of roommates sharing a place. Is it ideal? No... but I am kind of stuck.

[floridapad]

Hope the basement has a side door for any new gf you might have.. Honestly I wouldn't talk about the relationship with your wife anymore. Your marriage is dead gone.. A new marriage would need to come from her coming back and you accepting her if that's even what you would want.

 

She is with an om it's time for you to live your life. It's time to get yourself back. Whatever you do don't spend all your time sulking in the basement playing your music for too long.. Get out of the house every week with your friends. If you have nothing to do then lie and go out anyway for a couple of hours by yourself. She doesn't need to know where your going. Start a new life. Remember who you were BEFORE you got married..do not let her lead you on. She will try but it will be little ****.

 

You have a loooong road a head of you. Get your old self back.

[confusedinky]

No FP it isn't a walkout .... I always appreciate your feedback because it seems like we have a similar situation.

 

They get home in a few hours and we get to sit the kids down and tell them... not looking forward to that. I know we should be looking out for ourselves first but I feel sooooo bad for my kids they did nothing to deserve this.

[carhill]

Hey, if the bar and the big screen are down there, that's a move up IMO. Get the workshop cranked up, invite your friends over and enjoy the good life with no guilt nor excuses

 

Do the move, tell the kids gently but truthfully, and serve up W with the nice documents we love to call 'divorce papers'. No anger, rancor or outbursts. You can't control her, but you surely can control you. Trust me, I cast on eye on my RV for a good long while before helping the stbx buy a house of her own. Wish I would've had a basement...

[confusedinky]

So I am thinking I may go something like this for my talk with the kids....

 

Boys... you probably have noticed that mommy and daddy haven't been getting along as well lately.. this is mainly because your mother is a lying, cheating slut who instead of owning up to her problems blames daddy for being cold and clueless. Sooooo daddy is going to have his own room in the basement where he doesn't have to look at her lying, cheating face and mommy can text to her boyfriend all night without worrying daddy will find out.

 

Watcha think?!

[confusedinky]

Hey Carhill...

 

I've been eyeballing a houseboat on the river for a while now!

[carhill]

Water, bbq and beer. Sounds like an impulse buy in the making.

 

Seriously, IMO, as long as you remain calm and consistent and the children know you're not abandoning them, any reasonable and honest explanation should be appropriate. They may express fear ('mommy and daddy are getting a divorce') if they're old enough to understand, but an adult's job is to placate that fear with a confident approach to the reality of where the family is right now.

 

I'd consistently push for mom to take a 'vacation' and 'visit some friends'. I think she would be happier. No anger, just persistence.

[confusedinky]

It went alright tonight... boys thought it was cool we have a "boys" bathroom now a few questions from the oldest about what we were having trouble with but not too bad. Wife and I discussed putting the house on the market in the spring... moving forward.

[floridapad]

I'm glad the talk went well. The rollercoaster ride has truly now begun. Carhill is right. Consistency for yourself and the boys right now are paramount. You really need to be a rock for them, at least in front of them, even though inside you might be playing emotional ping pong. AS far as the w goes. Indifference is the path. Tough I know, but the old Homer Mcdonald approach has helped me quite a bit. Mental judo so to speak. There is no point in speaking to her about the A or the OM anymore. It truly is pointless. She will only be entrenched in her position the more you argue or defend yourself. The path of indifference for me was to just finally say "your right" yes I agree. There is no point in battling with her. It just doesn't work.

[confusedinky]

Thanks FP that's not going to be ez for me but I am trying, she's been down to my room x4 to pick fights (or just tell me off), thinks I am having a party down here (and honestly sort of am, just feel relief to be out of the master)! This AM I did do that approach and at least she left quickly. I did make the mistake of pushing buttons last night about the OM claims she isn't in contact with him but contrary to own advice I still have PW's and know she is, I told her if she wasn't to let me see her cell records (so she doesn't think I can) and she refused.. told her well... then I don't believe you... you're right don't know why I bother it's probably just pushing her more toward him and we are probably too far gone at this point anyway.

[floridapad]

confused

 

My friend, she KNOWS she is fu**ed up. But as I've said the more you argue or accuse the more it harms YOURSELF. I know it seems strange that you shouldn't "stick up" for yourself. But at the end of the day it's about communication and right now she is quite simply messed up. When she comes to the basement.. listen to her.......JUST LISTEN.... THere will be time to argue your position in the future but right now it's useless. It truly is. Play your music agree with her (watch her be shocked as you agree) and be YOU. She hurt you..... She killed you. She still is.... But the best revenge is to agree and let her stew on things for herself. Take the fight away from her. Let her fight with herself.

 

Do you have movie heroes??? Mine are clint eastwood. Gunny who is a marine is my hero. God is my ultimate hero..Now is the time to tap into your models...your heroes. THis is about YOU. Stay strong my friend..Stay strong.

[burning 4 revenge]

Basements are cool, Ive always wanted a basement apartment. My ideal would be to have a kitchenette down there and a full bathroom, but I doubt you have this set up as an apartment already

 

Just make sure to have wireless capability down there as getting off-line is like heroin withdrawal.

 

Also a word about spiders. I don't know where you live, but here in the midwest there is a plague of spiders and they seem to like basements best, so if you are going to be sleeping there I would bring in a professional fumigator to really clean the place out

[confusedinky]

Wet bar but no bath.. gotta go upstairs for that (oh well it's good exercise). It seems to have broken down a few walls claims she has gone no contact (although she has lied about this many times) but from checking up on things it appears to be true for the time being. I am as NC as possible and am sleeping better and really enjoying my own space! My FIN is coming for Xmas and knows of the arrangement (he has been divorced 3 times think the apple falls far from the tree?) Happy Holidays everyone I really am thankful to have a place like this to vent!

[hopesndreams]

She should be the one in the basement.

 

Get her stuff together and toss her down there.

[phineas]

when I caught mine she went to alternative methods of contact to keep her phone records & email clean.

Then after she thought she had me fooled went back to her e-mail, facebook, cell phone & gave me every excuse in the world as to why she wouldn't show them to me.

 

Guess she thought I was stupid or something.

 

If she wanted to work on it & wanted to prove it she would open EVERYTHING up to you.

 

But, if you read the stories here, very few spouses will go fully transparent.

[TheLoneSock]

Didn't go out of town with the wife this weekend to see her family so I can move to the basement without the kids around. We got into this morning when she asked me why I was acting "cold" toward her.... I just don't get it, she is admittedly still in touch with the other man and basically says she will not break off contact with him because I am so cold to her... if I want her back I need to warm up! NO concept of the hurt she causes me by still continuing contact (has it her head they can still be "friends" it's not sexual anymore... yeah right). Anyway... I am moving down to the hole wish me luck.

 

Dude f*ck that. Divorce her, you don't have to take it up the ass from her.

 

What makes her think that is ok? She is only pushing the envelope as far as you let her. Drop her unfaithful ass and move on with your life.

[phineas]

When she knows divorce will be the result of her not ending her affair & still cheats on you I think it's over because they no longer respect you.

 

We were separated & doing MC & she KNEW it would be over if she was still in contact with OM.

 

She wasn't just in contact, she spent her birthday with him & blew me off.

 

It's over now.

[confusedinky]

I appreciate what you guys are saying... trust me I still am pretty sure at the end of this divorce is going to be the only option... I don't mean to be cryptic but my wife has some serious issues that I knew about when I married her. I am really focusing on me right know, I was recently diagnosed with adult add and that is a nightmare of combo with my wife being the stereotypical type A personality. It's the holidays and I am just trying to be here for my kids, the thought of not waking up in the same house as them is awful to me. I don't doubt that she could find other ways of keeping in touch, one thing is though he doesn't live in the same town as us so casual meetings would be difficult and I am 99% sure she never has hooked up while I am in town (it would be too hard with our schedules).... We had a long talk last night and we both know what's on the line here... so today is today... and tomorrow will be tomorrow and then I'll see where I am.

[tnttim]

I feel you dude. Someone told me, welcome to the rollercoaster. The kids are such a huge factor, especially if your a family man. You are at the waffling stage, me too. I made it this far, but I'm just as confused as I was 4 months ago. Still facing the same question, do I stay or do I go. I'm betting she feels the same way. It's hard to stay and even harder to walk away, or maybe it's the other way around, lol. I'm hoping one day I wake up and the answer is right there. But hope is a blinding state of mind. It all comes down to perception. Your perception on the world is actually reality to you, welcome to my reality everyone, I hope you like what I've created.

[Gunny376]

There are a percentage of women (I didn't say all) who have it in their heads that they have got to constantly reinforce in their deluxe brain housing group that they've still "got it" ~ as in they still got what it take to catch the eye of another man. Even if they've already have a steady BF or even a husband. This usually is a lifelong perpetual "need" of theirs.

 

The worse case I've ever seen was a sixty something year old woman who had been a HB10 (Hot Babe X's 10) back in the day and was running all over town sleeping ~ excuse me ~ sleeping with any and everything that could still fog up a mirror. She and her DH had three sons, and had been married 40+ years when they got divorced.

 

Don't let her engage you in an argument. Your going to lose every time. For one thing women have more cross lateral connections between the two lobes of the brain ~ which means they have better and more rapid verbal response. Its also why whereas your "typical" man uses between two to three thousand words in a single day while your typical woman uses four to six thousand (or more) per day.

 

For another your at a distinct disadvantage. You as a man have a natural compulsive need to ~ make sense. Your wife will just go on and on rattling off insensible babble that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

 

That's because most women operate for the most part from an emotional state of mind. Which is to say and ill-rational state of mind. Not that's wrong ~ its just that most men simply cannot relate. Which is why men and women have so many problems in relationships.

 

Most men "think" their way through life, while many women "feel" their way through life. (Ref: Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus" , "When Mars and Venus Collide" , "Why Men Don't Have a Clue, and Women Need a New Pair Of Shoes" , "How To Manage Your Women, Understand Her" )

 

If you want to "win" this, then you should limit contact or go as much contact as possible. Also limit your verbal interchange with her. When she tries to engage you, keep your response short and sweet. Even to the point of just smiling and saying "I understand" and move on about your business at hand as if nothing such as the EA had taken place.

 

The reason this works is because as I said women are for the most parts "emotional beings" If the two of you are still arguing then you still very much have an "emotional connection" By going NC or at least LC ~ your withdrawing your emotional support ~ which as a woman is very threatening.

 

Indeed it could be why she "choose" to have the affair in first place, because you weren't connecting with her on her emotional level that she not only wants but literally needs as a woman.

 

In other words she was broadcasting that you weren't listening to her aka your weren't connecting to her emotional needs ~ which you couldn't because one you've not been socially ~ culturally conditioned to do so, and to be quite frank as a man are not psychologically nor physiological equipped for.

 

It can to some degree be learned, but the bottom line is that your not a woman and she's not a man. But you get a double whammy on your hands because when you start getting so-called in touch with your emotional side (aka your so-called "feminine side") she'll balk on you for not being masculine enough. If on the other hand your too masculine ~ she'll balk on that as well.

 

What she (or any woman wants and needs) emotionally is to make her your number one priority ~ even before work and earning a living. (One of my XHEX complaints and reason for divorcing me was because I was a so-called "Workaholic ~ I was in the freaking United States Marine Corps)

 

If she works and makes more money than you ~ you're a lousy, lazy, sorry @azz bum-@zZ.

 

If she works and you make money than her? Your not her "Daddy" and you can't tell her what she can do? How she can spend "her" money. (BTW your money is her money too!)

 

Now what I suggested can backfire on you ~ if the OM has a higher EQ than you. (EQ = Emotional Intelligence ~ aka "A Player") More than likely he does and is, (EQ can be learned and fine tuned) That's why he's the OM.

 

But even if that is true? He's just playing her along and using her, and has as many as two, three, four or more he's playing on the string. The last thing he want to do is marry her or become seriously involved with someone who approaching middle age with two small children.

 

In short? She's nothing more than "Duty-Station" @zz ~ someone to mark time with until someone or something better comes along.

 

Gain control of your emotions, for if you don't have control of them ~ they will control you!

 

The one that controls the relationship is the one that cares the least. And that my friend would not be you. And the reason is?

 

Your children.

 

If you didn't have children with this woman ~ there's no doubt in my military mind that she'd be sitting out by the curb with tomorrows Christmas trash.

 

She's "Bitch Testing you! And it comes from her own insecurties about herself. This isn't about you? Its about her.

 

I like vanilla ice cream from Dairy Cream, but when I go fishing I think about what fish like ~ and they like worms, crickets, and such.

 

You've got to look at this from a woman's perspective. Back in the day, back in even elementary school, before pre-adolescents she had all these guys hitting on her.

 

Now she's had two children, maybe put on a couple of pounds. How many late twenties to early thirties women can complete with an 18 to 22 year old college co-ed?

 

You? You got busy being the "Protector" and the "Provider"

 

Your priorties shifted from her to paying the bills, keeping a roof over your and their heads. You've got the meetings, deadlines, and the boss all over your @zz on your mind.

 

Your not thinking ~ "What it took to get her is what it takes to keep her!"

 

Your not thinking ~ "Got to date your mate!"

 

Your thinking "Holy cow! 15 million people with a lot more experience and education than I are out of work!"

 

Your watching CBS, CNN or whatever thinking "JHC! A guy with an MBA from a Ivy Leauge School is driving a cab in NYC?"

 

I don't think you and her are in the toliet yet.

 

Why? Because you both still care. The time to get a divorce? Is when you just don't care anymore. Your indifferent! You could care less. You just don't give a damn anymore.

 

You could care less who they're sleeping with. You could care about their feelings, what they're feeling, what they're going through.

 

In short, "Frankly my Dear I could give a damn!"

 

The time to get a divorce is when you can look the OM or OW in the eye and honestly say ~ "More Power to Ya Bro! Thanks for taking her off my hands ~ because I really didn't know what to do with em"

 

When you can look up as your putting them on that Big Grey Dog to leave, with those big diseal engines playing your song, bellowing smoke out the back through the stacks

 

And all you can think of is?

 

THANK GOD AND GREYHOUND YOUR GONE!

 

Because I really don't think I could've gone on!

Edited December 26, 2009 by Gunny376

[Brightmoon]

Confusedinky

 

 

I hope the basement is holding out well.

 

Hope you are doing OK.

[Gunny376]

If you are going through Hell, keep going.

Winston Churchill

 

Got that right!

[confusedinky]

Wow Gunny... thanks for that. You nailed a lot of that on the head (I do earn more then her BTW! ). And the OM may or may not be a player he's older then us by about 8 years and never married, (I am 41 and we've been together for 15 years) he was my wife's bf before we met (he's playing the ol' "I never met anyone like you since" bit). The rest of it is right on though, you sound like you have been in our room. I am trying a lot of the strategies I've learned here including the 180 and it seems to be working (if nothing else I feel better). Both of us are relived with the space we have now with me downstairs and are just looking toward tomorrow.

 

TNT I told her tonight that I am hoping it's kind of like deciding when to put an old dog down... when that day comes you just know.