Why does this have to be so hard?

[LoveLace]

It's been a long time since "hoped" he would "come around" or whatever. The problem started when he became way too dependent on my companionship in a way that I never thought possible, especially because he didn't want it romantic. This didn't all happen, I didn't sacrifice a wonderful friendship because he didn't "come around". It was because we were way too involved for 2 people who knew they would not end up together. The 1st part of that sentence was unexpected for me; the 2nd part was nothing new. I began to rely on him for all the same reasons he relied on me: someone to talk to. someone share things in life with. someone to be there at the drop of a hat; the 1 sure person that would be around when no one else was. I finally realized we were relying on each other too much for all that. Those are the reasons why I'd be hurt if he met someone else...as opposed to being hurt because he didn't "come around". Someone he met would have to take all those things I relied on away from me; and yes it would hurt to be reminded I wasn't good enough to keep. But having what I've depended on taken away against my will...that would have been the hardest part. So I took it away for us.

 

I didn't start all this because something opened my eyes to remind me...it started because he began talking about doing romantic-type things together. And I've already relayed to him the question of why would we do such things if we are only friends (in so many words). I easily could have let him follow through on his ideas, and I could have milked it like crazy. But I knew it was wrong to do so...knew it's only right to do those things with people we really want to be with. I think he gets that to an extent now, but I don't know if he does totally. It doesn't matter too much anymore...bottom line is he knows we can't go back and that's what's important I guess. If I'm in pain it's because I miss my best friend...only a fraction of that is really because he didn't want "more". You don't have to be in love with someone to hurt...

[WTRanger]

If I'm in pain it's because I miss my best friend...only a fraction of that is really because he didn't want "more". You don't have to be in love with someone to hurt...

 

Very well said. Losing the feelings and losing a friend is a double whammy, and different types, of pain.

[LoveLace]

Very well said. Losing the feelings and losing a friend is a double whammy, and different types, of pain.

 

Exactly...what I feel these days is the suffering of the consequences of my coming forward...losing it all is what I risked and that's what I'm getting..that is what makes me sad..but it's not like I didn't expect that. I had to choose between this and what it would feel like to be side-kicked because of another woman. Weather you want more or not with someone, who wants to feel side-kicked? The choice I made was very hard. But not has hard as that would be...

 

Its possible that I see him tonight for the 1st time in 3-4 weeks; I already had tickets to the party he's playing at tonight. He knows I'm going; but between his effort to find me and the huge crowd it will be, I may or may not see him. I'm fine either way. I'm not going to text him or anything; if he wants to find me he will text me. I'm really not expecting that though. If I do see him, I also don't expect him to bring up anything that's happend. But who knows...and who cares!

[Jordanjames]

I think the OP has to realize this was a painful situation where she should not blame herself. The OP just wanted the truth at least now you know what kind of guy this man is. He's not worth your time. You deserve someone that ONLY wants you and not someone that wants to exploit you and use you to boost his ego.

 

You did take a risk to finding out the truth and of course it hurts because you may feel like you not only lost a friend but a potential romantic relationship. But the truth is this situation you were held in limbo by this guy for a long time and that's not fair.

 

I was in a similar situation with a man although we were friends for seven years but we became sexually involved. We went out for a few months he didn't want anything serious with me and wanted to return to a regular friendship. Well, that was just too hard for me. Now, we haven't been in contact with each other Since late October 2009. I can honestly say, yes it is hard but at least I am not in limbo wondering anymore. At least now I know this guy just wanted me around to boost his ego. We were never just friends. There was a lot of emotional stuff going on and in the end I think I realized I deserve better and more. I think the OP has to realize that she deserves better as well. The OP sounds like a nice young woman but it's hard to let go of a friend someone that you've known for a long time. However, in the end your own personal happiness is the most important thing. And pretending you are just in a friendship when you are actually in a relationship sucks. Its like the other person is playing dumb acting like he doesn't know what is going on all the while stringing you along until someone else comes along. Nobody deserves to be treated so badly like that. The OP has to realize that her happiness and mental health is more important than this guy. This guy is not a friend he is a jerk that has been using her and treating her badly.

Edited January 1, 2010 by Jordanjames

[LoveLace]

It's easy to say he's a jerk...of course...but I could never say he treated me badly as a friend...he would pick up the phone if I needed someone no matter where he was or what he was doing. (Even if out of town working). Not that money buys friendship, but he certainly spent a ton of it on me and took me out all the time. Money was no object for him when it came to us hanging out, and I can't say any of my other friends are like that (we just always vouch for ourselves). Of course I've always done what I can to make that equal, but in the end he's always been the big spender. Drove us everywhere. For every problem, dream or good news or bad news he hung on word for word. But romantically yes, is where I felt treated bad. And I honestly don't believe he saw it that way, because obviously if you think the 2 of you are really just friends, why would he even think of it? I mean for many months I made it clear that I was dating guys and so forth. So even though he knew I liked him once before a long time ago, I probably didn't give him grounds to just assume I liked him still. Can't say it's "obvious" that I liked him just because I hung out and was there for him - know why? Because he did all the same things. Then we'd also have to say it was "obvious" that he liked me as well, but that wasn't the case. I just try to see his side a little bit (not that it changes anything) but if we are equally doing all the same things for each other, who's to say anybody likes anybody?

 

We talked once a long time ago about dating and yes you'd think that would have given him a clue for the long run - but I really don't think it did. I believe he saw that as a blow over thing from our past (and I did too for quite a while) that didn't exist anymore. But well, now we know that we shouldn't have brushed that off like just a "thing" the way we did. That's a mistake I'd say we both made for different reasons. I think it's only fair to say we both share a little of the responsibility, or blame for it all. The only thing I regret is getting nasty with him in the end...just because I hate when anything escalates to that. In the end we both regret getting that way with each other, period. Otherwise..I just don't think it's a case where only 1 person is to blame. I wish I could blame it 100% on somene else but I chose to let the routine go on for my own benefit of having someone there. I could have prevented that but I didn't. He made the same choice. So both to blame.

 

I did finally get to explain to him that I'll always be his friend, just not in the way it was before because I don't want to feel abandoned for what he thinks is "better". Once I said that, he was very appreciative and said he understood. So that's that...once in a while we are going to be around. There just won't be any of this "Oh! we should do this or that sometime! What are we doing tonight!...let me introduce you to my whole family!"...none of that...and I'm pretty sure he gets it...

 

Thanks.

[Odyssey]

LoveLace, well... he's certainly an 'interesting' character.

[LoveLace]

That he is. He was nice enough to finally initiate a meeting, for the 1st time in a month for us. Both said how bad we felt about things, both so sorry, yadda yadda, and agreed we are "good"...which doesn't mean getting back on the hang out horse..just that we are not mad at each other anymore. And we actually had a good time and it almost felt like we never had a problem.

 

But in the same meeting I heard all about the new girlfriend, whom he met in the last few weeks, I knew very little of already but now learned just how serious it is. How great she is, how smart she is, and the list goes on and on. So my timing couldn't have been better. The whole reason I spoke up was because of this very thing...the better gal getting more than me. It's a good thing I broke our routine a month ago, cuz otherwise, I'd be forced to do it now. This was hard enough to hear now, much less if I had never said anything. It felt like finding out the person you just broke up with has already found someone new. I didn't eat for 2 days and it makes me sick to my stomach that we will never be what we once were. But he would have met her regardless of me saying anything.

 

Mean time I have dates lining up, and I'm just trying to be glad that he made effort to sit good with me, and not a choice to shut me out as a friend. She does sound like a good girl for him, everything he's wanted, so I have to be happy for him. I still think he deserves that even though I deserved him too. There will always be a special place in me that holds our memories.

[SadandConfusedWA]

That he is. He was nice enough to finally initiate a meeting, for the 1st time in a month for us. Both said how bad we felt about things, both so sorry, yadda yadda, and agreed we are "good"...which doesn't mean getting back on the hang out horse..just that we are not mad at each other anymore. And we actually had a good time and it almost felt like we never had a problem.

 

But in the same meeting I heard all about the new girlfriend, whom he met in the last few weeks, I knew very little of already but now learned just how serious it is. How great she is, how smart she is, and the list goes on and on. So my timing couldn't have been better. The whole reason I spoke up was because of this very thing...the better gal getting more than me. It's a good thing I broke our routine a month ago, cuz otherwise, I'd be forced to do it now. This was hard enough to hear now, much less if I had never said anything. It felt like finding out the person you just broke up with has already found someone new. I didn't eat for 2 days and it makes me sick to my stomach that we will never be what we once were. But he would have met her regardless of me saying anything.

 

Mean time I have dates lining up, and I'm just trying to be glad that he made effort to sit good with me, and not a choice to shut me out as a friend. She does sound like a good girl for him, everything he's wanted, so I have to be happy for him. I still think he deserves that even though I deserved him too. There will always be a special place in me that holds our memories.

 

Try to console yourself with the fact that you did the best you could, it didn't work but at least there are no regrets. Him getting a gf only shows you that you really did the right thing.

 

Be kind to yourself. Eat choclolate, watch a good movie, have night out with girlfriends. You are brave for getting out.

[paddington bear]

urgh Lovelace that is a pretty urgh yuck thing to hear, about the girlfriend. I'm not surprised you can't sleep etc. The worst thing is, because it's not labelled a proper 'relationship' you don't get so much support than if you and your boyfriend split up even if the emotions are just as strong. I second the eating icecream, watching stupid movies and whatever you can to make yourself feel better and distract you.

 

As sadandconfused said, it does prove again that him, and guys like him in general don't have you as a girlfriend for a reason (whatever that may be) and hanging around hoping for them to change their mind doesn't seem to work at all in changing their attitude towards you/us.

 

I'm glad for you that you got out before this happened, it would have been much worse as you said, otherwise, heart-crushingly terrible in fact. And at least you guys have remained on good terms, my relationship with my best male friend who I fell for totally exploded in the worst way possible. I feel it would be easier if we'd at least left on good terms even if I rarely saw him, than to have such bitterness and nasty stuff on both sides at the end, but hey, either way it was better that it ended, even if I still wish he'd wanted me back and still feel sad that he never did and never will.

[LoveLace]

Thx Pad...too bad it ended like it did for you. I'm surprised it even ended up this way for me. Some said its jerk of him to gush about his girlfriend to me. But 1st of all, I asked about her. 2ndly, I've gushed about new guys. 3rdly...I asked him for that genuine meeting, and he gave it to me...in time, but he did. Its the 1st man I haven't had just run, run, run and stay p#ssed instead.

 

In fact, he's already let me know he's bumming bcuz the new gf is also an LDR. It doesn't appear they are in a sitch that would give either one the means to actually move...or to even see eachother but maybe once, twice a month? He's never been a big believer in that. But since he digs her so I guess he's just now realizing the big challenge here. Anyway, it appeared that he was reaching out to me about it, and almost as if he is missing me now in that manner. I feel like we have an eternal bond...but I feel in control of what when and where, if we hang out ever again. Which will be extremely sporatic and seldom now...on my terms, in other words. It won't be until I'm ready to hear more about her. Which won't be very soon. I'm choosing friendship over my feelings....which were mostly out of insecurity if you ask me. He's chosen the friendship too so all the same, he mite come a day years from now when I say...yea, still think I deserved a chance from you....

 

I have a new friend that is fun company and romantic attention for now...but I'm not feeling best friend and partner potential at this point...in fact he's entirely different from that of the routine I've been used to for 8 months now. I'm used to the same person by my side so much of the time...its hard not to compare, notice things you miss, though there are of course the things C wouldn't give me to....a liking to me as a sexy woman for one. This guy is not likely to turn out the one...but I'm learning to enjoy some level of romantic attention that was absent for me for so long...I have to build up that security back before I can reeally get a guy like C or better....

[Ariadne]

now learned just how serious it is. How great she is, how smart she is, and the list goes on and on.

 

Ack.

 

That sucks LL.

 

She was probably "hotter" because that´s all they seem to care about, but I may be wrong.

 

You will make a man incredibly happy one day LL, because I believe you are a very nice and caring person.

 

I hope one day you will find your perfect prince for you. Hugs.

[LoveLace]

Ack.

 

That sucks LL.

 

She was probably "hotter" because that´s all they seem to care about, but I may be wrong.

 

You will make a man incredibly happy one day LL, because I believe you are a very nice and caring person.

 

I hope one day you will find your perfect prince for you. Hugs.

 

I don't think your wrong...hugs!

[paddington bear]

In fact, he's already let me know he's bumming bcuz the new gf is also an LDR. It doesn't appear they are in a sitch that would give either one the means to actually move...or to even see each other but maybe once, twice a month? He's never been a big believer in that. But since he digs her so I guess he's just now realizing the big challenge here. Anyway, it appeared that he was reaching out to me about it, and almost as if he is missing me now in that manner. I feel like we have an eternal bond...

 

Just don't fall into the trap of being his emotional dumping ground, emotional crutch. As you say, you can't speak about her with him until you don't really care either way about him/it doesn't hurt.

 

I know that's what friends do, support and talk to each other about relationship woes, but you fell for him, so it's different. Stick with your plan of not seeing so often until one day you will realise you haven't thought about him every day, and when he mentions his girlfriend there won't be one tinge of jealousy or regret. It can be done, I had a previous unrequited who I am now good friends with, before when he mentioned other girls it cut me to the core, now it's like I'm talking with a female friend, doesn't bother me at all.

 

One more thing...he says he doesn't want a LDR...but his actions say different. But he's just got himself into an LDR. I'm suspecting there is some commitment problem going on there. I suspect he did have some feelings for you including sexual attraction, but due to his own issues couldn't get over them and take the next step. Doing something with you would mean a 'relationship'. Getting involved with an LDR is just another way to pretend that there are no issues there, while actually embarking on another situation where he cannot get close to someone.

 

Just watch who and what type of relationships he gets himself into over the next while to see if that is the case - it really helps to realise that sometimes 'it's their problem' and not a reflection on your personality or level of attractiveness.

 

The above was the case with my first unrequited, my 'friendship' with him destroyed my self-esteem. 2 years later I've realised that the problem was and is his. He's done similar running away from emotional attachment with every woman he's come in contact with since me and right now, has been dumped due to his inability to step up to the mark. I now feel sorry for him. He's kind of messed up and while you Lovelace will go on to find a healthy, happy relationship, you may find this guy never will and that you had a lucky escape.

[LoveLace]

Well Pad he does seem sincerely happy with this thing he's found...I had to hear all about how "terrific" she is and see pics and all...but I DID ask about her in the 1st place...I just didn't expect him to rub it in so much. It's as though he either wanted it to kill me on purpose or he is just plain really that happy that he doesn't care if it hurts me. Answer #B isn't too far fetched, I guess.

 

If it weren't new guys in my life pretty recently, I probably couldn't say this, but I now feel more okay with hearing about his GF than I ever coulda thought a couple weeks ago. The way I see it, it all just proves that I was right about him so here lately I don't find myself missing the constant attention very much. I don't feel like I've had a major loss. That feels pretty good.