Why does this have to be so hard?

[LoveLace]

I've finally done the right thing about my best friend, C.

 

It's on-going and regular for 8 months. We went out 2 weeks ago one night and of course had a wonderful time...at 1 point he mentioned that sometime we should go to the symphony and for dinner at an "intimate" restaurant. Later that night, I met a pal of his that said he "talks about me all the time", which this has become a pattern lately, between his friends and family. Always kissing on the mouth, yadda yadda.

 

I finally texted him the next day and said I feel somewhere between a friend and something more. He asked why, and I said just because of how we treat each other I guess. Anyway, the next day I told him I need a little space; I went on a trip to visit family for a few days (which he knew about) and he pretty much gave me the space I asked for, with the exception of still texting me a couple times here and there. By the end of the week, we started texting and I couldn't hold it in anymore, so I said that I can't fill a void anymore. He said I wasn't filling a void, etc, too much to remember for recall there; he kept asking if he did something to cause this, I responded I'm just confused and we'll talk sometime.

 

But we haven't been able to get together for talking since then...because of our schedules, pretty much. He keeps saying he wants to but also keeps saying how busy he is, even though I never even ask for an explanation; I don't need one because I know his schedule; that combined with mine, has been totally conflicting. But aside from that, he's totally distant now and I feel like he's just ticked at me, and may care less to see me again. He's not texting me, or suggesting any time to get together. And there are things I want to tell him in person VS. the phone - 1 being that I don't settle symphony and a dinner as long as it's not called a "date". I did tell him however, that things would change eventually anyway because we are always looking for someone else, someone "better" than what we are to each other. I'm just getting it out of the way now, on my own, instead of when I'm forced to just deal with it and not be #1 to him anymore. He doesn't quite seem to understand it, probably because all we've been able to do is text and not speak in person. I don't feel he will truly understand until then, but it's beginning to appear that won't happen.

 

I am really sad and I've never wanted to ruin our friendship but it just feels necessary. Haven't seen him in 2 weeks now and it already feels empty, doesn't feel like I can count on him being there for me anymore. Right now I"m feeling like he doesn't miss me at all and doesn't care, but I'm also a pretty pessimistic person. He said "I guess it's too much for you and I was surprised"...I don't know what he means by that, really. because the problem was, that it wasn't enough. A guy told me he's feeling rejected right now. But how can you feel rejected by someone you supposedly don't even want to be "dating"? He's always saying he doesn't want to "settle". So I'm ready to tell him that I also don't "settle" - for what's everything I need, but just short of everything.

 

We used to text all day everyday, all the time. Obviously it's not like that now; and it's not that I have urges to text or call; it just plain sucks.

[WTRanger]

First off, let me say that my heart does truly go out to you. I'm on the last legs of a similar situation with a friend. Unfortunately, if he can't open up to you there isn't much you can do. That is a painful truth to bear. The more you sit in silence, the more confusing it gets. Some may say that when someone is silent to you that the silence is indeed a closed door. Yes, but I will say that the door has a giant glass pane in it that allows you to still hope and wish you may seem him coming back down the street. His excuses of being busy are just setting him up to run away. Truth be told, if this was a mutual understanding there would be nothing to keep the two of you from figuring things out. He wouldn't be giving vague responses that only further complicate the situation. There would be honest, sincere, emotional, and direct communication between the two of you.

 

The absence of communication in a situation like this is one of the most hurtful, confusing, and self destructing situations you can go through. The people that run away never see the hurt they cause. Why? They are too busy running from themselves. Somehow you have to come up with the answers yourself. Somehow you have to have a break up with the image of him in your mind.

 

You don't want to ruin the friendship, but it is not your fault and it has to be done. If there really was a friendship to begin with, then there would be at least some form of communication between you. No communication means no friendship, or at least not the friendship it used to be. So honestly, what is left to ruin? The past? The past cannot be changed! What is the current state of the friendship today? Is that something you'd want to hold onto?

[ordinary_girl]

you should wait for him to contact you. if he doesn't, I know this is very VERY hard but you have to stop talking to him and move on. full stop.

 

if he gets in touch and you end up doing something social and get close again, you have to stop the real communication part via text and talk in person. I know that's really hard and I resort to texts as well sometimes when I think I might get hurt but the truth is there is way too much ambiguity here.

 

wait for him to call though. be prepared to let this go as well. sorry.

[Hot Carl]

It seems odd that he can't understand. When you have that much contact and spend that much time together, you either turn it into something or you get away from it.

 

That's what man/woman friendships are about most of the time anyway. Filling voids. One of the two is going to get tired of being used at some point.

[Odyssey]

C...does it stand for clueless? All these pseudo dates. kissing. mix signals.

Maybe he is in denial that he's actually growing attached to you. He's afraid of what might happen. A part of him is holding himself back. He could be missing that closeness he had with his ex-gf and you were simply there for him and now...

 

...well...it's really up to him, to speak honestly about what he wants. God knows he's had plenty of time, because life is what you make it - make it how you want it.

[Ariadne]

Yeah,

 

Pretty typical.

 

The guy spends tons of time with you, texts, calls, etc..

 

But the moment you tell him you like him he splits like a banana.

 

Usually saying things like: Did I do something to provoke this? While sounding completely clueless.

[LoveLace]

Well after a couple days of little texting, we did more last night, the kind that felt more like us and back to normal. But of course we know it's not normal right now. Anyway, he is definitely struggling with a work situation these last couple weeks and I decided to be emotional like this right around the same time, isn't that great.

 

Anyway, through his texting last night I could tell he's having a harder time than I thought with the whole work stuff. He was worried about me getting home okay because I was out last night. It's clear we care about each other an awful lot. But unfortunately I have to tell him that I can no longer feel like I have everything just short of everything. It was the symphony/dinner idea of his, I think, that made me snap and say okay wait...but I haven't told him that yet.

 

I think he's just soaking this all in right now, and probably dreading seeing me because he knows our talk has to happen. I dread it too, if he said lets talk tonight I've already told myself no - not ready tonight. But we never really will be. At the same time we probably miss each other a lot because it's been over 2 weeks now, long time for us not to hang, between my vacation and our schedules, and of course my "space". I'm sad that we won't be reuniting under normal circumstances. And I'm sure he's not crazy about it either. But I think here in the next few days we are going to fit it in weather we want to or not. Now I sincerely don't think he's trying to get away without it. Prolonging it maybe. Which is okay by me but I'm anxious too - funny how you can feel 2 different ways at the same time...right now I'm just choosing to leave the topic out of our texting conv. I know he prefers face to face when it comes to serious things anyhow.

 

WT good luck to you, I hope it all works out for the best!

 

and yes Hot Carl - odd it is. Everyone who knows him and me are so perplexed. They see us together and see a great thing, but they are dumbfounded when they learn about everything that happens. I hear this a lot "he is the most confusing guy ever!"....even from other guys!

[paddington bear]

Lovelace, I've been following this C story from the very beginning. Please try to distance yourself from him and your relationship and look at it impassively.

 

He has had months, months, months to make a move on you, you've been trying to convince yourself that friendship is fine, but it's not. I know for me, when I've been friendzoned both times, that eventually my patience wears out and something changes in the relationship.

 

I'm not saying he's a bad guy, but he has you there as a substitute girlfriend and ego boost until he finds someone else, or sorts out whatever issues he has with not actually taking your relationship further. He will carry on like this indefinitely until you call a halt to it, because there is no reason for him not to. He's getting what he wants out of your friendship, but you are not.

 

You are doing the right thing, finally bringing this up. Honestly you are. You are stuck in a holding pattern now, both having the other as a pseudo other half, while not having a fully intimate boyfriend girlfriend relationship, and it will just go on like this interminably unless one of you does or says something.

 

If you lose him through being honest with him, you have to remind yourself that you would have lost him anyway, because if he's going to freak out that you like him as more than a friend, well then, at some point he would have left you for someone else, which believe me (I've been there) is faaaar worse. The rejection and the loss is terrible.

 

You need to set some boundaries. I told my last 'friend' that actually our friendship was getting too hard for me, that he was fulfilling nearly all my needs, but that I was too close to him, and knew he didn't want me as a girlfriend, but that I wanted a relationship and that I was going to have to remove him from my life somewhat to allow the space there for someone else to fill that relationship hole, someone who did want a proper relationship.

 

That jolted him somewhat, the thought he might lose me..but not enough, as there were other issues - and honestly, looking back, a normal guy would have seen the value in me and not strung me along for months while he decided whether he liked me in that way or not.

 

Ultimately by the time of this conversation I'd simply had enough of this almost perfect relationship that was going nowhere and which was preventing me from meeting someone else and was prodding it to either end or go further. I'm very, very sad our friendship has ended, same as you, numerous texts per day etc etc, 'dates' and that's all gone, and yet my self-esteem was in tatters because this guy I desired so much didn't want me sexually, as a partner in life, made me feel like that I simply wasn't good enough. Don't let that happen to you!

 

Anyway, keep us posted and best of luck.

[LoveLace]

Thanks Pad, well I'm that process right now, of getting away before it's too late, while it's on my own and not forced.

 

He said he definitely prefers talking face to face (I asked him while texting last night). I was glad to hear it. But now I'm in less of a hurry than I was before about that. Apparently we both want that, but neither of us are suggesting when. Think I'll just play it by ear...if it never happens I don't think I'll hate it. I've said so much already that I only have a couple things left to say. But I guess he deserves a conversation if he wants it.

 

i feel like my process of moving on has already begun; another reason I question seeing him anytime soon. I'm having hard enough time with the fact that we aren't talking everyday anymore; hard enough time with the absence I feel. But now that I've brought up meeting and talking several times, and he agreed to it, now he'll be like WTF?...if I don't do it, I guess. I keep telling myself why didn't I wait a little longer to do this? It's rare that I have something fun and social to look forward to anymore - when all my friends are married, etc. He gave me something to look forward to all the time and now that place is totally empty for me. But I guess it's better than waiting until he meets Miss Beautiful...

 

I'm glad to have LS right now because this is really s*cking!!!

[shadowplay]

Thanks Pad, well I'm that process right now, of getting away before it's too late, while it's on my own and not forced.

 

He said he definitely prefers talking face to face (I asked him while texting last night). I was glad to hear it. But now I'm in less of a hurry than I was before about that. Apparently we both want that, but neither of us are suggesting when. Think I'll just play it by ear...if it never happens I don't think I'll hate it. I've said so much already that I only have a couple things left to say. But I guess he deserves a conversation if he wants it.

 

i feel like my process of moving on has already begun; another reason I question seeing him anytime soon. I'm having hard enough time with the fact that we aren't talking everyday anymore; hard enough time with the absence I feel. But now that I've brought up meeting and talking several times, and he agreed to it, now he'll be like WTF?...if I don't do it, I guess. I keep telling myself why didn't I wait a little longer to do this? It's rare that I have something fun and social to look forward to anymore - when all my friends are married, etc. He gave me something to look forward to all the time and now that place is totally empty for me. But I guess it's better than waiting until he meets Miss Beautiful...

 

I'm glad to have LS right now because this is really s*cking!!!

 

LL, PLEASE don't ever talk to this guy again or you'll just get sucked in.

 

You want the brutal truth?

 

This guy will NEVER in a million years consider dating you unless you're the last woman on earth or he loses his attractiveness and is no longer able to land the kind of woman he wants. Why? He doesn't like the way you look. He loves your personality, which is why he keeps you around and uses you as an emotional tampon, disrespecting your feelings for him. In fact he would probably consider it beneath him to date you, because he's superficial and only goes for 9s or whatever. I know men like this. I'm sure he's probably told his friends "I know this really great woman. She'd be perfect for me, but it sucks because I don't find her attractive." You could have the most charming, enchanting personality of any woman on earth, and you'll never get out of his friendzone. I guarantee it. Looks are what matter to him.

 

Personally, given this, I would never hang out with this guy, even as a friend or acquaintance. It would be a blow to my self esteem if I had feelings for him like you do. If you feel you need a closing conversation, ok, but after that I'd completely cut contact. Have a little self respect!

Edited December 21, 2009 by shadowplay

[LoveLace]

Today he texted me that he has a date tonight. I said well I hope SHE makes the cut. 'Nuff said.

[boogieboy]

No need to meet up with him in person to break up a psuedo friendship. He acted like he doesnt know whats going on, but hes not stupid, he knows what hes doing. He has to act stupid to try to keep you on the leash. Do yourself a favor and cut him off cold turkey. Ignore texts, calls, you dont owe him anything, and since hes dating someone new, he wont miss you in the sincere sense.

[LoveLace]

Yea LOL safe to say i've lost all interest in seeing or talking anymore! He texted me back yesterday, "and what's that supposed to mean?" (because like you said he's trying to play dumba**). I never wrote him back and we are not in contact at all. I'm not having any regrets. Thought I'd be pretty upset at this point, maybe I'll hit some low spots here soon I dunno. But right now I don't feel I've lost anything. He has, though.

 

It's always a shame when a valuable friendship ends up this way, but sh* happens.

[Odyssey]

LoveLace, sorry to hear that you didn't get what you wanted. But at least you know now rather than later. In a way, it can feel like such a relief as well because you know for definite, rather over-analysing all the ifs and maybe for so long.

 

It is a shame that you may lose the friendship, but i think the friendship line had already been crossed and muddled for quite some time. As for friendship? never say never though - especially when emotions have waned...time will tell.

 

I think you're smart girl...and being on LS for so long, you'll know what to do.

[LoveLace]

Well, all is out now. Far as I'm concerned, there's no need for us to get together anymore; I've said all I had to say. I spilled my guts, for real, with a late night text (oh yes!) then today said he was irked about it. Then I told him I am not apologizing to him for how I feel...(I told him he makes me feel like the last woman on earth he'd go on a date with)...I told him he would have been irked about what I said, no matter when it was, and I'm not sorry.

 

Then he said he is not irked, it just would have been nice to know my feelings at the time I had them. I replied I wish that too, but it took me time to accept this, when such a fragile thing is at stake - our friendship. That he had nothing to say about. He just said thanks when I said have a nice time with your family.

 

Point is I feel better because I finally just said what I meant, and I refused to apologize to him about that. So far as I'm concerned, this is a good ending point for me. The friendship will be whatever it's going to be from now on - which is obviously, not the same as before, and I"m so okay with that. But I don't believe we are going to hate each other over it. It's the result I hoped for in all this. Yes I've made a butt of myself and I've lost a friend. But it's a small price to pay for what could have happened at a later time, for a different reason. Now I can start living without having to be his space-filler everyday and all the time. That's a relief. This won't be an easy road. But I've definitely put the forward thing in motion...

 

I always knew it would get here, and so did LS. I just didn't want it to happen until I was really ready for it...which was now...I was just ready to get it over with, and go through the emotions that are required for healing. I know I'm sad, ticked off, embarrased, confident, relieved, regretful....you name it and I'm feeling it right now. But it's okay...I don't think I ever really needed LS to tell me I'd be here. But I'm still glad to have the support I've had...thanks...guess I might be posting here and there as I get through this journey...and I hope that's alright...

 

Merry XMAS!

[Hot Carl]

On the positive side, you learned something. While there are plenty of other forms of relationship misery you have yet to experience, you should know enough now to avoid this kind.

[LoveLace]

I can tell he's sooo not happy with me right now. And I hate that; it's the hardest part. It's like I end up feeling like the rejected one either way. But what can ya do. Pain comes with any outcome in this matter. It hurts a ton right now. And the impression is, he could care less. That is hard. But again...what can ya do.

[carhill]

Good on ya for getting it out. Others will disagree but I would have timed it differently (not right at Christmas) and done it face to face. I've had to do this and, yeah, it's painful. What I always did was resolve the issue in my mind and then execute when I felt it appropriate. Even though he may seem heartless, he's not. Also, the act affects your feelings as well, in general. Your last post indicates that.

 

Well, what's done is done. Time to move forward. Time for me to get some egg nog

[shadowplay]

Please don't ever talk to him again, LL. Please. You don't want to be trapped in this pattern forever.

[SadandConfusedWA]

I have been trapped in this sort of pattern in the past for YEARS. I guess I am worried that after this settles down, you will just go back to friendship with him and it will all repeat itself over and over again... I really do not think you should have any more contact with him at all. You really do not want to waste your emotions and mental energy on this. He is not in love with you, he never will be and he is a user. He was also aware of your feelings all along (trust me no this) and even now after you confessed, he didn't have the decency to sit down and have an open discussion with you. Ugh.

[xpaperxcutx]

Despite the inevitable, LL I think this break up is all for the best. His very person is the one reason why you're so attached to him and unable to place your focus on other people. I'm glad you finally took the necessary steps. It really is his loss.

[LoveLace]

Well no worry about the "pattern" because I certainly feel I've broken it well and don't feel it's an option to return to even if I wanted to. Which I do not want to. The last thing I want is to feel the way I always did before, like a stepping stone. Not to say that I wasn't pampered in many ways and having best times of my life, but so what.

 

I wanted to face-face and he kept claiming he did too however he never did anything about it. So I didn't feel that i had a choice but to just say what I needed to say via text. He didn't like it but I felt like he earned it. And unfortunately conversation after that got fired up and pretty close to nasty. He was angry that I didn't say something sooner but I reminded him that he didn't provide me a sooner opportunity for that; not to mention I had been telling him things here and there for a couple of weeks and if it wasn't enough info for him, he could have asked for more. The whole conversation was very disturbing in tone for me, though, and it was not at all how I wanted it but I think we both caused it. The last thing I told him is all I want anymore is to not hate each other but clearly there is no going back to routinely life together. It was all apparently what I needed to know that I do in fact, do NOT want more after all. So even though everything took on quite an unfortunate chain of events, it wasn't for nothing.

 

He didn't like it from the beginning when I said I needed space. At first he was just understanding but didn't get the seriousness. After that he spent the rest of the time finding reasons to think I was acting disrespectfully, untimely or whatever. All that instead of efforts to meet with me and talk (despite his claims its what he wanted). I was a bit hurtful towards him a couple times but that's all I regret about anything. I feel set free now. I no longer have to be obligated to time with him. Right now I think he feels betrayed, surprised, rejected in some form and maybe even feels used as well. But in the end he also feels too cool for school so I don't have much sympathy.

 

Thanks all.

[paddington bear]

Oh dear, this is the worst time. I was the same, it was ultimately a relief that something happened, even if it ended in tears - I'm just warning you that you might not feel so strong in a week or two, or even month or two, so in those times to come remember that you did the right thing.

 

Wanted to make one comment. Do not take this 'why didn't you tell me sooner' BS. He knew you liked him, I'm sorry, but he knew - facing up to that fact meant that he would have to deal with it, which he clearly didn't want to do, hence you both going on and on as 'friends' without a move on his part.

 

He's angry in the old 'attack is the best form of defence' method. He can deny it all he likes, but he knew you liked him, liked the attention, convinced himself that you were fine with it, and you helped him with that, granted, however, don't let him get you over that. Ask yourself what would have changed if you'd said something earlier...probably exactly what's happening right now.

 

What helped me through my similar breakup of unrequited friendship was thinking 'if he was meant for me, we will end up together'. He obviously wasn't meant for me - as he let me leave his life, but in a way that was comforting to me, like I'd made a space for someone who was meant for me. Keep your chin up and don't you dare let him make you feel like you were the bad one here - how on earth were you supposed to tell him you liked him when he kept talking about being not ready for another relationship or talking about dating other people. No one is going to set themselves up for obvious rejection after hearing all that.

[LoveLace]

Pad I did in fact remind him - he already knew so what was I telling him that could be so surprising? I admitted that I needed to just admit it to myself. After that he no longer used "sooner" as a defense. What he does continue to defend is that he really has not had time to meet and talk. He said he's frustrated that I have not been understanding that enough. And is acting as though meeting to talk is still an option. I am no longer going to pressure or act interested in that, but if he wants to make it happen he will. Mean time i continue to feel set free of feeling obligated to be his time filler. Works for me!

[threebyfate]

Lovelace, he was clear, right from the start, that he wasn't interested in a romantic relationship.

 

This is a pattern, Lovelace, where you allow yourself to get close and feel for these guys, hoping that they're going to come around with their feelings. It doesn't work that way very often, regardless of gender combinations.

 

No more of this Lovelace. Unless a guy is clearly into you for a romantic relationship, right out the gate, consider them either low-interest or if they're friends, just someone being friendly.