Wife has been unhappy for "a while"

[SurprisedAndUnhappy]

Some background, first. My wife is a transplant from another country. We're a solid 7 or so hours from where she grew up, and obviously immigration is no picnic, but she'd always seemed happy with where we were. However being an introvert she's not made much of an effort to form new social attachments here, nor has she gotten a job, or done any sort of activity beyond playing on the computer and some idle housekeeping. We've been married for five and a half years now, and living together for over four of those.

 

So my wife had been a bit distant, a little less responsive. She'd made a new online "friend", who she spent a lot of time talking to. A couple time I raised the issue, asking if there was a problem with this person, or a threat to our marriage. In all cases, I was assured otherwise.

 

Imagine my surprise when I was updating her graphics driver and stumbled onto sexually explicit messages between her and the "friend". When I confronted her about it, she had an outburst where she stated that she'd been unhappy for awhile, and that she didn't know what she wanted anymore. The net result of this has been that she went to her mother's for a week, with barely any contact beyond an e-mail where she apologized for the messaging and indicating that she wants time and space. When she came back, she was taciturn, unresponsive, unaffectionate, and seemingly disinterested in anything to do with me.

 

A couple times we've gotten a bit into it, and I've flat out asked her what she wants to do, and every time it's "I don't know". What little I've been able to determine has her seeing me as being controlling and restrictive, when in fact I've done everything in my power to enable what she wants to do. The reality is that when all you do is sit at home and play on the computer, and don't make an effort at anything, it's your damned responsibility that got you there. I mean, I can lead the horse to water, but whether she'll drink isn't in my control.

 

I've raised the possibility of counseling, which got a resounding "no". I don't know if she's afraid of having her irrational viewpoint exposed for what it is, or she's just not interested in trying, but it's infuriating. I think I'd have reacted better if she'd come to me with a plan or wanting to separate or something, but as it stands she just seems content to keep playing her games and ignoring the problem.

 

I on the other hand am not content to sit around waiting for someone to make up their mind. I'm already pursuing one on one counseling to help me deal with the situation, and my immediate family and friends have been a great help in supporting me through these times.

 

What's so infuriating about the situation is that it seems like she's putting no thought into what's going on. If she was unhappy, why not approach me as a teammate (which I thought we were) asking for either help, or for me to step back and let her do something she wants to do. Why try to pin it all on me, leaving me and anyone that I know mystified because the person and behavior she's describing doesn't match reality in any way. It's getting to a juncture where I'm not sure I even want to bother trying to save the marriage, as she's clearly unhappy in it, and I feel so hurt and betrayed and angry that I don't see a point.

 

The very worst of it is that she still talks to the "friend" constantly. She can barely exchange 10 sentences with me on a daily basis, but the clatter of her keyboard is a constant reminder that she's apparently opened up to someone and it's not me.

 

I don't know that I'm looking for advice or support or whatever, but it helps to share the story. I've gotten a lot out of reading other people's posts; it's nice to know you're not alone.

[hopesndreams]

She needs to get out of the house, find work and support herself. Show her the door, help pack her stuff together and change the locks when she leaves. As soon as you put this plan into action you will see a complete turnaround from her, she will panic and beg to stay and work on the M. She would have no other alternative. Question is, do you want someone to stay with you just for the roof over the head.

 

The longer you listen to the clatter of the keyboard, the closer she is getting to whoever she is talking to. Right now she is trying to set herself up with another man.

 

You are giving her that time. I`m sure she is truly thankful.

[SurprisedAndUnhappy]

To be quite frank, the "other man" lives over half the continent away, and has shown no interest in any sort of commitment to anyone. If she truly managed to pull off setting a situation up with him, I think I'd almost be proud that she'd managed to wrangle together an actual plan without any help.

 

Unfortunately there's not anything I can do with regards to ushering her onwards right now. Where I live, divorce is preceded by a separation period of a year, during which neither person can force the other one out of the primary domicile. And I'm on the hook for the mortgage and bills regardless, so.

[hopesndreams]

Put the house on the market.

 

You are not showing her that what she is doing is not ok. She will continue to disrespect you because you are allowing it. She could be chatting with someone closer to home now. To continue on as you are accomplishes nothing to getting the M back on track. She won`t one day wake up, jump into your arms, say sorry and it won`t happen again.

 

She`s already gone.

 

She needs the 2 x 4 to the head to snap her back into reality.

 

Here`s the 180...try to follow it as best you can and if you screw up, which no doubt you will, we all do, just get right back on it.

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or

implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

4. Do not follow her around the house.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

6. Do not ask for help from family members.

7. Do not ask for reassurances.

8. Do not buy gifts.

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Do not say "I Love You".

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

21. Never lose your cool.

22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.

23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.