Why don't more OW/OM demand respect?

[Lizzie60]

Very well said! I totally agree.

 

I totally agree too... that was the best post of this thread..

[OWoman]

FOUR YEARS?!!! My take on this is that he will never be ready. Why bother getting a divorce when he can have his W at home and an OW when he feels like having variety who allows him to drag the A out for FOUR YEARS?

 

That makes me kinda sad.

 

Sorry to t/j, but this seems to be one of the "damned if you do, damned if you don't" issues when it comes to OW.

 

If a guy shows signs of leaving his M only a couple of months into the A, most posters will say, "you're just his exit strategy, he was going to leave anyway, your R will never work out in the real world"... (or, "he'll go right back to her, because you're just a fantasy for him"). And, in many cases, it does seem hard to understand how someone could drop a M of many years standing, particularly one with younger kids, for someone that it seems they've only just met... but some of those "love at first sight" Rs DO work out... despite our skepticism.

 

OTOH, if an A has been ongoing for years, the OW is told, "he'll never leave, he's gotten far too comfortable having both of you, why should he leave?". And yet, sometimes... he does. Despite the pessimism of observers.

 

So - too short, it'll never last; too long, it'll never happen. It seems OWs just can't win.

 

For the record, my A had been ongoing for some years (maybe even 4, like Jen's, I'm not altogether sure. My H is the one who keeps track of anniversaries...) when we decided we wanted to be together, and sat down and planned what we needed to do - and then did it. We were ready, it was what we both wanted, so we put it into action. Any earlier, I certainly wouldn't have been up for a change like that, and would have dumped him instantly had he suggested it.

 

People make the changes they're ready to make, of their own free will. Anything else is under duress and is doomed to an unhappy outcome - simmering resentment at best, spectacular collapse amidst acrimony at worst. APs need to respect their own timetable - staying tuned to their own demands, their own needs, their own capacity - and take the steps they're themselves ready to take, be it demands, ultimata, leaving or moving on to "next steps", when they're ready to take them. There have been far too many stories on here of OWs succumbing to peer pressure here and giving ultimata, making demands they're not ready (or able) to back up with action, or going NC they're not able to sustain... only to have to back down and admit they're not up to it. This leaves them feeling weak, disappointed, frustrated and empty-handed, having lost ground rather than gaining it, and for what? To appease what some online strangers feel is best for them and their R.

 

People have a lot to lose IRL. Advice, however well-meant, should never force someone into action they're not ready, willing, or able to take.

 

/end t/j (sorry, OP)

[skywriter]

I asked myself that question a million times even after refusing the MM's advances, cursing him out, telling him to never, ever,call me again.

 

 

All this before I finally did succumb to his advances. At that point in my life, I had been single for nearly six yrs, alone, raising my kids. I worked two jobs and did sidework, when I wasn't working two jobbs. So I didn't have time to date.

 

The unspoken attraction that he and I had for one another scared me to death! I feel at peace when we are in NC because, it's all for naught. I expect more from the person that I share myself with. Playing games with peoples emotions to sneak a bit of sex, well, I like to believe, I deserve better than that.

 

Oddly, On another subject, MM just gravitate towards me. Or so it seems. I've noticed this to be true quite often. Of course, my one time, was my last time.

[White Flower]

Sorry to t/j, but this seems to be one of the "damned if you do, damned if you don't" issues when it comes to OW.

 

If a guy shows signs of leaving his M only a couple of months into the A, most posters will say, "you're just his exit strategy, he was going to leave anyway, your R will never work out in the real world"... (or, "he'll go right back to her, because you're just a fantasy for him"). And, in many cases, it does seem hard to understand how someone could drop a M of many years standing, particularly one with younger kids, for someone that it seems they've only just met... but some of those "love at first sight" Rs DO work out... despite our skepticism.

 

OTOH, if an A has been ongoing for years, the OW is told, "he'll never leave, he's gotten far too comfortable having both of you, why should he leave?". And yet, sometimes... he does. Despite the pessimism of observers.

 

So - too short, it'll never last; too long, it'll never happen. It seems OWs just can't win.

 

For the record, my A had been ongoing for some years (maybe even 4, like Jen's, I'm not altogether sure. My H is the one who keeps track of anniversaries...) when we decided we wanted to be together, and sat down and planned what we needed to do - and then did it. We were ready, it was what we both wanted, so we put it into action. Any earlier, I certainly wouldn't have been up for a change like that, and would have dumped him instantly had he suggested it.

 

People make the changes they're ready to make, of their own free will. Anything else is under duress and is doomed to an unhappy outcome - simmering resentment at best, spectacular collapse amidst acrimony at worst. APs need to respect their own timetable - staying tuned to their own demands, their own needs, their own capacity - and take the steps they're themselves ready to take, be it demands, ultimata, leaving or moving on to "next steps", when they're ready to take them. There have been far too many stories on here of OWs succumbing to peer pressure here and giving ultimata, making demands they're not ready (or able) to back up with action, or going NC they're not able to sustain... only to have to back down and admit they're not up to it. This leaves them feeling weak, disappointed, frustrated and empty-handed, having lost ground rather than gaining it, and for what? To appease what some online strangers feel is best for them and their R.

 

People have a lot to lose IRL. Advice, however well-meant, should never force someone into action they're not ready, willing, or able to take.

 

/end t/j (sorry, OP)

I totally applaud this post. Very well said OWoman.

[jennie-jennie]

I totally applaud this post. Very well said OWoman.

 

I join in with WF in the applauds.

 

This is why I do not believe in NC for any other reason than if you are prepared to end the EMR. A MM who is forced to end his marriage in order to keep his OW is in my opinion making a premature decision and is likely to go running home again.

[baby86]

I guess I do not understand what the orignal poster means when referring to "respect". I feel completely respected because I have what I want out of my A with my MM. He does not violate any boundaries nor does he put any expectations on me or my time that I am not comfortable with. I afford him the same respect.

 

I am confused by the idea of how demanding that the MM get a divorce somehow equates to being respected. You are having an Affair! By its very nature what you have entered into is at the very least an agreement to be with a person with the full knowledge that the person has a spouse....why then would one decide that it is "disrespectful" for the MM to continue to be married? If his being married and being in a relationship with you is disrespectful why did you ever decide to engage in an affair in the first place?

 

By your definition it would seem you are the one disrespecting yourself if this is the litmus test by which you measure the MM respect for you.

 

I must say I am thoroughly confused.....

 

This has to be the best thing i have ever heard, I am the OW and as much as i have found myself head over heels for him I know that he was married long before i met him . People insist that he is just having the best of both worlds and he doesnt RESPECT me. well i can honetly say that i have never felt so respected. He makes me feel fantastic about myself, he is risking his married life hugely for me and that i really appreciate. Its not as if he just comes round for sex, in fact its not even about that at all. We spend hours together, even whole weekends. He calls me all the time and never leaves me waiting around for him. He has introduced me to his closest friends and family, he takes the time to listen to all that i have to say, has never tried to change the person i am and is completly honest about things that his wife knows about us. He takes so much crap from me so surely if he was just having his cake he would do so with someone that isnt as high maintainence as me. He demands nothing from me, in fact its quite the opposite. He is aware that he is running the risk of losing his marriage so who am i to make him choose.

[jennie-jennie]

I am confused by the idea of how demanding that the MM get a divorce somehow equates to being respected. You are having an Affair! By its very nature what you have entered into is at the very least an agreement to be with a person with the full knowledge that the person has a spouse....why then would one decide that it is "disrespectful" for the MM to continue to be married? If his being married and being in a relationship with you is disrespectful why did you ever decide to engage in an affair in the first place?

 

I have been thinking a bit about GEL in this context, since she is one of the OW who is generally brought up as a successful example here on LS of giving the MM an ultimatum.

 

I hope I have the details correct, but as far as I know GEL was lied to by her MM for the first year of their relationship as he did not tell her he was married. Once she found out, she set the ultimatum.

 

This in my opinion is widely different from someone who has knowingly entered an affair setting an ultimatum. GEL faced the choice of accepting to become the OW or not. One should thus see her ultimatum in that context.

[donnamaybe]

If anyone, male or female, is willing to accept half a relationship, more power to 'em.

[GreenEyedLady]

I have been thinking a bit about GEL in this context, since she is one of the OW who is generally brought up as a successful example here on LS of giving the MM an ultimatum.

 

I hope I have the details correct, but as far as I know GEL was lied to by her MM for the first year of their relationship as he did not tell her he was married. Once she found out, she set the ultimatum.

 

This in my opinion is widely different from someone who has knowingly entered an affair setting an ultimatum. GEL faced the choice of accepting to become the OW or not. One should thus see her ultimatum in that context.

 

I'll set the record straight since most of the posters here now, weren't around during the time of the A part.

 

I was lied to when I met my H. I was told he was divorced. He lived pretty far from me so I never thought it was weird that I didn't go to his place. I was a single parent at the time and it was difficult to be away, anyway. I found out about his marital status when we had been together 14 months. I however, DID NOT break up with him then. I was already in love with him and his XW was a phantom to me. I knew she existed, but I didn't know anything about her, what she looked like etc.

 

So I felt bad about it for several months, but our R continued. It took alot out of me and I started to feel like I was losing who I was. I was also starting to turn into the person I have become. I became sick of not seeing him often, of not being part of his REAL life. And his life mostly consisted of being at work 24/7 but I still wanted it ALL. So I got sick of him not making a choice and told him to go work on his M and leave me alone.

 

We got back together when he said he'd told her he was leaving and he gave me a timeline of the end of the year. And he became a real and true partner to me. We had another break up in September of that year when he told me he couldn't do it by the end of the year, and I dumped him. He pulled his head out of his ass and got the ball rolling. They separated at the beginning of February and we moved in together. Their divorce was final later that year and we got married a couple weeks after the ink was dry.

 

BUT, I NEVER GAVE HIM AN ULTIMATUM. I simply said that I would not be with a married man any longer and nice knowing you. I was sick of him being the only one who got what he wanted. I knew the XW wasn't getting what she wanted and I wasn't either. I was ready to move on. I don't need to threaten anyone to be with me.

 

The issue is respect. Respect yourself more than being someone's once a month booty call. Don't tell me that's what you want. Don't tell me it makes you all hot and bothered to get that cancellation call for whatever excuse he can make seem reasonable. I always treated him being married was his problem, not mine. I didn't allow excuses.

 

I loved him, but I refused to be defined by him.

 

GEL

[donnamaybe]

The issue is respect. Respect yourself more than being someone's once a month booty call. Don't tell me that's what you want. Don't tell me it makes you all hot and bothered to get that cancellation call for whatever excuse he can make seem reasonable. I always treated him being married was his problem, not mine. I didn't allow excuses.

 

I loved him, but I refused to be defined by him.

 

GEL

 

Good girl!!!

 

And either way, you would get what you wanted whether that be YOURSELF back and the ability to eventually move on, or him completely.

[NoIDidn't]

The issue is respect. Respect yourself more than being someone's once a month booty call. Don't tell me that's what you want. Don't tell me it makes you all hot and bothered to get that cancellation call for whatever excuse he can make seem reasonable. I always treated him being married was his problem, not mine. I didn't allow excuses.

 

I loved him, but I refused to be defined by him.

 

Minus the call for giving an ultimatum, I think this is what FO was getting at in the OP.

 

FO was saying to tell the guy to choose - me or marraige. And every he calls to cancel our plans because of his marriage/wife/other family obligations, he's making a choice - and it isn't me. (General "me" here. if there is a such thing)

 

But I guess, for me, it would be a matter of self-respect. I would not settle for that cancellation call and say "it goes with the territory of dating a married man". I think this is what you are saying with refusing "to be defined by him" and his marriage.

 

So many are saying that they feel perfectly respected by him because he does carve out a moment to give them his undivided attention, but I disagree. I want more than just that moment of undivided attention. I would want his life.

 

Meeting his family would mean nothing to me, when they know I am dating a married man. Believe me, families talk and they too wonder about what kind of self-respecting woman continues to see a married man and is fine with everyone knowing that he is married. Sure, they'll smile in your face and say its nice to meet you, but its all a part of the disingenuous nature of affairs to begin with. They might hate the W, but they aren't in any position to force their family member to do what they want them to do either.

 

Not judging anyone's opinion or beliefs, just showing how that belief doesn't work for me knowing how the families of cheaters are behind closed doors (since I am in one).

[OWW]

Because in the beginning I didn't realize I was sharing, and by the time I did my heart was so involved.

 

Because I know that it is not as black and white as ME or HER, he has a FAMILY, children, grandchildren etc... most importantly a child who is still at home who he not only feels obligated to finish raising but he WANTS to finish raising.

 

Because giving him an ultimatum at THIS point is saying choose me or your child... and I would lose. (I know people say 'men can still parent' after a divorce, but we all KNOW, it is not the same)

 

Because I think/hope/feel/pray that when it does finally come down to ME or HER, and the kids are all grown and gone, that his love, passion, friendship with me, will win out over the disconnected, dispassionate life he has with her.

 

Because I love him with all that I am, and I fear that no one else will ever love me, and that I will never love anyone else. And I lived fifteen years of pure hell with a man who didn't love me, and I don't want to be alone, and I do not want to be in yet another failed and loveless relationship.

 

Because I am weak.

 

Because I fear.

 

Because I feel broken, and sometimes feel it is all I deserve.

 

Because I fear that my brokeness will never allow anyone else to love me more than he does.......

 

Wow! Well put, despite how exposed it leaves you. (Or how much it exposes you?)

 

Particularly this part:

Because I love him with all that I am, and I fear that no one else will ever love me, and that I will never love anyone else. And I lived fifteen years of pure hell with a man who didn't love me, and I don't want to be alone, and I do not want to be in yet another failed and loveless relationship.

 

Because I am weak.

 

Because I fear.

 

Because I feel broken, and sometimes feel it is all I deserve.

 

Because I fear that my brokeness will never allow anyone else to love me more than he does.......

 

One of the difficulties I have in "walking away" is that I have ended a horrible relationship. I think my wife loved me to the best of her ability, but she was mentally unwell, and therefore not capable of being an equal partner by a long shot.

 

I have had a series of long-term relationships. I have had some experience under my belt. And it is enough to tell me that, despite the complications, this is a pretty special relationship and she is a pretty special person. I have only known one other person - not a romantic interest - who has loved me as strongly as she seems to love me, who doesn't run away from my baggage and issues. Who is willing to help me shoulder them until I am able to take care of them myself on my own again. That is a unique person in my life.

 

And yes, I am very scared that I will never meet someone that special again. I don't want to be alone until I do. I don't want to hurt her or her family - I truly don't. There are no easy answers. But I am too scared to let go, either.

 

Also, like you, it is not so black and white. There are children involved. Even if I were to be so foolish or selfish as to ask her to choose between me and her children, it is not something I would win, even if she were to choose me.

 

And, as I have stated in posts before, I am not whole at the moment, and I am not capable of giving what is needed to someone for whom I was everything. So I wouldn't ask that of her, either, because I cannot give to her everything that she would need from a primary relationship.

 

Big hugs, FA. You are not alone.

[summerautumn]

Because in the beginning I didn't realize I was sharing, and by the time I did my heart was so involved.

 

Because I know that it is not as black and white as ME or HER, he has a FAMILY, children, grandchildren etc... most importantly a child who is still at home who he not only feels obligated to finish raising but he WANTS to finish raising.

 

Because giving him an ultimatum at THIS point is saying choose me or your child... and I would lose. (I know people say 'men can still parent' after a divorce, but we all KNOW, it is not the same)

 

Because I think/hope/feel/pray that when it does finally come down to ME or HER, and the kids are all grown and gone, that his love, passion, friendship with me, will win out over the disconnected, dispassionate life he has with her.

 

Because I love him with all that I am, and I fear that no one else will ever love me, and that I will never love anyone else. And I lived fifteen years of pure hell with a man who didn't love me, and I don't want to be alone, and I do not want to be in yet another failed and loveless relationship.

 

Because I am weak.

 

Because I fear.

 

Because I feel broken, and sometimes feel it is all I deserve.

 

Because I fear that my brokeness will never allow anyone else to love me more than he does.......

 

Angel, I can't tell you how much your honesty touched and resonated with me! Are you a sag? This type of self honesty in my experience comes only from someone who really, really wants to find the truth, and sag really wants that, lol! And you are so doing that! The fact that you have a pic of you as your avatar is just a testament of your utter sincerity!

 

If I may share, I was talking to my best friend about LS yesterday, and I commented that most people involved in an A are imprisoned by their fear. Fear of themselves, fear of really finding out, fear of loss, fear of success, fear that they are not good enough, fear of death. I certainly felt all these fears, we all do. I feel them in all parts of my life. We may not call them fear, and put a different name on them, but the emotions boil down to fear. Fear is ego though. You know, that part of our personality that we've taken pains to strenhten since childhood, and many psych books consider a really important thing. In my experience, the ego can Never be satisfied, and its fears will Never subside. If it is not one thing, it will be something else. Ego sees us as fundamentally flawed, and since we are fundamentally flawed, others must be too. And then it goes around pretending it wants love when what it really wants is to be right. Because somehow rightness gives it satisfaction for 5 minutes. And then it is unsatisfied again. And it loves to live in the Future, loves to "hope" that there will be a time when things will work out to its satisfaction. That time doesn't come.

 

But thankfully there is real love. We all have it in us, it is really not something to get. We just have layers of stuff on top of it so we don't feel it. When we fall in love, that feeling is similar to that real deep love, but it is an illusion of it. When you say that you love your mm with all your heart, but at the same time feel fear, and weak and broken, that to me is a contradiction. Real love simply is, and there is nothing that can take away from it, or add to it. And it doesn't exist within fear. Fear is from the ego, and love is not an ego construct, yet so many of us have grown up thinking that that's what love is.

 

So I tell you, keep being brave and face your fear! That's the only way through to love. Face it square, look at it and sit with it. One of my friends has dissolved most of his very formidable fears using this technique, he is a different person than he was before. Yes, stuff comes up for him at times, he is in a new relationship now that is bringing up old ego patterns (things that don't have anything to do with his current relationship but appear as if they do). But he is just being with them. And poof, they disappear! And what is left is this peace, and joy. Any time you feel fear or that you are not good enough, be grateful that this is coming up from your subconscious mind so you can let it go. It is totally doable! And then, at that point, when you feel peace, look at your relationship and see it through new eyes. See what is really true for you.

 

Happy Holidays to all of you!

[jennie-jennie]

I'll set the record straight since most of the posters here now, weren't around during the time of the A part.

 

I was lied to when I met my H. I was told he was divorced. He lived pretty far from me so I never thought it was weird that I didn't go to his place. I was a single parent at the time and it was difficult to be away, anyway. I found out about his marital status when we had been together 14 months. I however, DID NOT break up with him then. I was already in love with him and his XW was a phantom to me. I knew she existed, but I didn't know anything about her, what she looked like etc.

 

So I felt bad about it for several months, but our R continued. It took alot out of me and I started to feel like I was losing who I was. I was also starting to turn into the person I have become. I became sick of not seeing him often, of not being part of his REAL life. And his life mostly consisted of being at work 24/7 but I still wanted it ALL. So I got sick of him not making a choice and told him to go work on his M and leave me alone.

 

We got back together when he said he'd told her he was leaving and he gave me a timeline of the end of the year. And he became a real and true partner to me. We had another break up in September of that year when he told me he couldn't do it by the end of the year, and I dumped him. He pulled his head out of his ass and got the ball rolling. They separated at the beginning of February and we moved in together. Their divorce was final later that year and we got married a couple weeks after the ink was dry.

 

BUT, I NEVER GAVE HIM AN ULTIMATUM. I simply said that I would not be with a married man any longer and nice knowing you. I was sick of him being the only one who got what he wanted. I knew the XW wasn't getting what she wanted and I wasn't either. I was ready to move on. I don't need to threaten anyone to be with me.

 

The issue is respect. Respect yourself more than being someone's once a month booty call. Don't tell me that's what you want. Don't tell me it makes you all hot and bothered to get that cancellation call for whatever excuse he can make seem reasonable. I always treated him being married was his problem, not mine. I didn't allow excuses.

 

I loved him, but I refused to be defined by him.

 

GEL

 

Thanks for setting the record straight, GEL. Very interesting to read your story.

 

So apparently neither GEL nor OWoman gave their MM an ultimatum. GEL was ready to move on, OWoman and her MM made an agreement to take their relationship to the next level. Interesting.

 

I, just like GEL, consider my MM's marriage his problem, not mine. I treat our relationship like any relationship I have had. I treat him like any partner I have had. I demand respect, and I get it, and I give it.

 

He does make cancellations sometimes, like when his daughter called and wanted to watch a video with him in the evening. He is a father, with a whole bunch of kids. I know I have to share his attention with them, just like he has to share my attention with my kids. We both agree that our children are important, and sometimes we have to step back to make room for them.

[jennie-jennie]

I want more than just that moment of undivided attention. I would want his life.

 

If I was dating a single man, it would take time for him to share his entire life with me, to marry me, to move in with me. Perhaps our relationship would end without us ever getting that far.

 

I can't see why I would not be prepared to give time to the MM just like I would to the single man, to see where our relationship is leading.

[Meaplus3]

 

So why did you/do you accept less than being the only person? Why do you accept sharing?

 

In my case I think it was because I was so blinded by this false sense of love and security this xmm provided to me. I did not really care until late in the Emotional affair.. when the fog lifted and I realized that this man was not going to choose me.. and he loved his wife. This time of year always bugs me.. because I will be in the same room with him on Christmas eve.. it's a neighbor thing.. and well I have to go. While I'm 100% over him, just beign around him now.. gives me a touch of anxeity over the past. Anway.

 

Mea:)

[donnamaybe]

I think it takes self respect to be able to make the decision that either your AP will want ONLY you or you will choose to move on.

[NoIDidn't]

If I was dating a single man, it would take time for him to share his entire life with me, to marry me, to move in with me. Perhaps our relationship would end without us ever getting that far.

 

I can't see why I would not be prepared to give time to the MM just like I would to the single man, to see where our relationship is leading.

 

But this is precisely what I think GEL was talking about in not allowing his status to define your relationship with him.

 

While you are giving him time, he is still married and that relationship continues despite your hopes to the contrary. He still schedules things around that relationship and that has to not be a pleasant occurrence when it happens.

 

I understand what you are saying, but I am not built that way. I can not accept the limitations of the MP/OP style relationship. When it comes to relationships, I need all or nothing.

[White Flower]

BUT, I NEVER GAVE HIM AN ULTIMATUM. I simply said that I would not be with a married man any longer and nice knowing you. I was sick of him being the only one who got what he wanted. I knew the XW wasn't getting what she wanted and I wasn't either. I was ready to move on. I don't need to threaten anyone to be with me.

 

The issue is respect. Respect yourself more than being someone's once a month booty call. Don't tell me that's what you want. Don't tell me it makes you all hot and bothered to get that cancellation call for whatever excuse he can make seem reasonable. I always treated him being married was his problem, not mine. I didn't allow excuses.

 

I loved him, but I refused to be defined by him.

 

GEL

Uncanny how this is what I said to MM. It wasn't about choosing one of us in a hasty ultimatum; it was about knowing what you want and being ready to walk if you didn't get it.

[Shouldacouldawoulda]

Regarding the OP, I can honestly say I accept it because I truly want to ultimately be with this person, and I truly love him. I don't feel in my heart that it's just a "fling" or just an "affair". And (this is the really sad part that will show you how much respect I have for myself), I am terrified of losing him. I know if I stood up, he probably would say ok and watch me leave...

[fooled once]

Minus the call for giving an ultimatum, I think this is what FO was getting at in the OP.

 

FO was saying to tell the guy to choose - me or marraige. And every he calls to cancel our plans because of his marriage/wife/other family obligations, he's making a choice - and it isn't me. (General "me" here. if there is a such thing)

 

But I guess, for me, it would be a matter of self-respect. I would not settle for that cancellation call and say "it goes with the territory of dating a married man". I think this is what you are saying with refusing "to be defined by him" and his marriage.

 

So many are saying that they feel perfectly respected by him because he does carve out a moment to give them his undivided attention, but I disagree. I want more than just that moment of undivided attention. I would want his life.

 

Meeting his family would mean nothing to me, when they know I am dating a married man. Believe me, families talk and they too wonder about what kind of self-respecting woman continues to see a married man and is fine with everyone knowing that he is married. Sure, they'll smile in your face and say its nice to meet you, but its all a part of the disingenuous nature of affairs to begin with. They might hate the W, but they aren't in any position to force their family member to do what they want them to do either.

 

Not judging anyone's opinion or beliefs, just showing how that belief doesn't work for me knowing how the families of cheaters are behind closed doors (since I am in one).

 

That is exactly what I was trying to say LOL

 

Thank you for saying it better than I did!!

[Fallen Angel]

Angel, I can't tell you how much your honesty touched and resonated with me! Are you a sag? This type of self honesty in my experience comes only from someone who really, really wants to find the truth, and sag really wants that, lol! And you are so doing that! The fact that you have a pic of you as your avatar is just a testament of your utter sincerity!

 

Sag? Sagittarius?

 

No, I am a Libra, the one who wants the world to be fair and just... *sigh* nothing about an affair is fair or just...

[White Flower]

If anyone, male or female, is willing to accept half a relationship, more power to 'em.

Just to be fair, I'm not sure you can call an EMR 'half a R'. It is whatever the participants feel it is. I may not see him full time but I may feel like he is with me full time. I know what you mean, and I'm sure having him physically present full time would be better some time in the future, but as my life is right now and in the last couple of years part-time was perfect.

[White Flower]

Sag? Sagittarius?

 

No, I am a Libra, the one who wants the world to be fair and just... *sigh* nothing about an affair is fair or just...

I AM a Sagittarius, but I don't believe I live in fear. I had no problem walking away from MM when I did. Sure it hurt, but life goes on. Now he wants me back and knows what to do to keep me.

 

Love is what keeps you there, not fear. Unless you really have a fear of being alone.

[Shouldacouldawoulda]

Wow FA...you put something that is directly in my heart so much more eloquently than I ever possibly could. Thank you for that.

 

(My MM is staying for his child as well, and I have been bashed because of this. You are right, it's not the same parenting after a divorce, and my MM already has two children that he didn't get to parent and is paying support for. I know that not being there for his young child would be horribly draining both financially and emotionally for him.)