Why don't more OW/OM demand respect?

[outofthedark]

Regarding the OP, I can honestly say I accept it because I truly want to ultimately be with this person, and I truly love him. I don't feel in my heart that it's just a "fling" or just an "affair". And (this is the really sad part that will show you how much respect I have for myself), I am terrified of losing him. I know if I stood up, he probably would say ok and watch me leave...

Just Because you are terrified of losing him, doesnt mean you have no respect for yourself. Isn't this the exact reason why so many ow stay in the relationship and dont "push" the issue?

As I said earlier, I think that a part of us doesnt want to face that if we do push him, he may choose the wife and we will lose him forever..If we wait, he may see that we are the great love of his life and come to us forever with no wife.

I was there once, though now I am not. My circumstances are quite different now but I remember that feeling. I had to grow and change along the way. If you are going to give an ultimatum, you MUST be prepared to follow through with it 100%. When you are deeply in love, being prepared to let him walk away is the hardest thing you can do.

[DiDi123]

Outofthedark-

I can totally relate to what you are saying.

I am now in a different place and came right and told him I was walking away. He was shocked, but understood and was very apologetic for the pain he has caused me. But I finally told him he has to make a choice. That's it plain and simple.

 

It is and continues to be one of the hardest things I ever have had to do, and it is very painful but I have to go on living. I can't have someone in my life and not be a part of my life.

 

I gave my ultimatum and am prepared to risk us not being together. Its the risk I had to take. I wasn't ready a few months ago to do this, but Thanksgiving was really hard and the epiphany I had hit me like a ton of bricks. Where would I be 6 months from now? a year? Living in the same tortured hell? I decided no, I couldn't do it.

 

And I was tired of lying to my family and friends. I have told my parents the truth and they have been nothing but supportive. They know I love him and they know he cares about me (by the way of his actions), but they want me to be happy. They know how much I am hurting but continue to encourage me to live my life and if it was meant to be it will be.

 

I actually agreed to a date later today...not sure I really want to go, but I have to reach deep down for the strength to move forward. I can't sit around and just wait, letting life pass me by.

 

But I think you truly have to be ready and as you have said BE PREPARED to follow through. Similiar to a child who misbehaves, you threaten to take away a privilege, and then when they misbehave you never follow through with the consequence- can't do that or they never learn and understand that there are boundaries.

 

I ignore his telephone calls and any other contact now, and as much as it really hurts, I cannot and will not enable him to continue living the way he wants -having me part-time and then going home to her. If I did that he would never decide one way or the other. And he has too, regardless of the outcome I know in my heart I have done the right thing for ME. I certainly won't judge anyone else for staying, because I do know how hard it is and you really have to ready. But when you are ready it is the most empowering thing you can do for yourself.

 

Am I sad? yes. Do I get teary-eyed thinking of him? yes. Do I miss him? yes. But the pain of not being with him on a full-time basis far outweighs the sadness of seeing him "part-time". I guess I'm weak and just couldn't handle it.

 

Kudos to all of you that can handle it and I hope it all works out the way you want.

 

Didi

[skywriter]

I don't know, maybe I'm missing something here. But, everytime the MM go home to their families,(wives) aren't they "choosing"?

 

Maybe it's a perception issue and how we all think.

 

I'm an OW or have been, so I understand the dynamics of an A.

 

I just don't want to live this "fantasy" with this MM anymore and for myself his actions have helped me to percieve our R as such. He's a "cake eater" and if I am not into his way of doing things, it's best for me to abandon ship. He'll move on and find a willing participant eventually.

[summerautumn]

Sag? Sagittarius?

 

No, I am a Libra, the one who wants the world to be fair and just... *sigh* nothing about an affair is fair or just...

 

FA, that's what I meant. Libra, huh, cool sign, but can get a bit indecive, too much air, not enough groundedness.

 

In my experience the EA, or I should say meeting him and having interaction with him, has been the biggest blessing! There have been countless amazing things that have happened as a result and I am so grateful. Yes, there was a time of confusion, but now that's faded, and only the very great things have remained. And I can share them with all those I come in contact with.

 

What we see is 100% a matter of perspective. Not 85%, or 98%, but 100%. Change your perspective, and your life will look and feel completely different. Don't trust your eyes, they are deceiving you. Don't trust your emotions, they are a a result of your thoughts and your interpretations. If you want peace, you can have it.

[fooled once]

Outofthedark-

I can totally relate to what you are saying.

I am now in a different place and came right and told him I was walking away. He was shocked, but understood and was very apologetic for the pain he has caused me. But I finally told him he has to make a choice. That's it plain and simple.

 

It is and continues to be one of the hardest things I ever have had to do, and it is very painful but I have to go on living. I can't have someone in my life and not be a part of my life.

 

I gave my ultimatum and am prepared to risk us not being together. Its the risk I had to take. I wasn't ready a few months ago to do this, but Thanksgiving was really hard and the epiphany I had hit me like a ton of bricks. Where would I be 6 months from now? a year? Living in the same tortured hell? I decided no, I couldn't do it.

 

And I was tired of lying to my family and friends. I have told my parents the truth and they have been nothing but supportive. They know I love him and they know he cares about me (by the way of his actions), but they want me to be happy. They know how much I am hurting but continue to encourage me to live my life and if it was meant to be it will be.

 

I actually agreed to a date later today...not sure I really want to go, but I have to reach deep down for the strength to move forward. I can't sit around and just wait, letting life pass me by.

 

But I think you truly have to be ready and as you have said BE PREPARED to follow through. Similiar to a child who misbehaves, you threaten to take away a privilege, and then when they misbehave you never follow through with the consequence- can't do that or they never learn and understand that there are boundaries.

 

I ignore his telephone calls and any other contact now, and as much as it really hurts, I cannot and will not enable him to continue living the way he wants -having me part-time and then going home to her. If I did that he would never decide one way or the other. And he has too, regardless of the outcome I know in my heart I have done the right thing for ME. I certainly won't judge anyone else for staying, because I do know how hard it is and you really have to ready. But when you are ready it is the most empowering thing you can do for yourself.

 

Am I sad? yes. Do I get teary-eyed thinking of him? yes. Do I miss him? yes. But the pain of not being with him on a full-time basis far outweighs the sadness of seeing him "part-time". I guess I'm weak and just couldn't handle it.

 

Kudos to all of you that can handle it and I hope it all works out the way you want.

 

Didi

 

Didi ((hug)) My thread asking you how you were was deleted and I was told not to start a thread for a particular person, to use PM <incase you were wondering where that thread went>,

 

Anyway, you are really doing great! I am anxious to hear how the date went.

 

One day at a time hon ((hug))

[whichwayisup]

I don't know, maybe I'm missing something here. But, everytime the MM go home to their families,(wives) aren't they "choosing"?

 

No, MM is just choosing to have an affair. When he's with the OW, is he choosing her over his wife and marriage?

[skywriter]

WWIU,

 

I understand your point that the MM is choosing to have an A.

 

You are absolutley right.

 

However, if the MM is choosing his piorities, his family during a crisis, his responsibilites to his family in general, (life). Birthdays, holidays, vacations, and so on.

 

This was my point. He isn't choosing to involve himself in the person he's having the A with like this. It's like, you get a promotion at work. Oh, you're so excited. You dial the MM's cell. He answers, you want to tell him this news first and foremost. He says, I'm busy can I call you later. Later comes and it gets later. He's homenow, busy with his kids, friends, family....

 

Oh yea, he's having an A. Not a love A, an A. He's choosing to have extramarital sex.

 

So now, I'm busy too. Get the mssg. MM.

[Fallen Angel]

WWIU,

 

I understand your point that the MM is choosing to have an A.

 

You are absolutley right.

 

However, if the MM is choosing his piorities, his family during a crisis, his responsibilites to his family in general, (life). Birthdays, holidays, vacations, and so on.

 

This was my point. He isn't choosing to involve himself in the person he's having the A with like this. It's like, you get a promotion at work. Oh, you're so excited. You dial the MM's cell. He answers, you want to tell him this news first and foremost. He says, I'm busy can I call you later. Later comes and it gets later. He's homenow, busy with his kids, friends, family....

 

Oh yea, he's having an A. Not a love A, an A. He's choosing to have extramarital sex.

 

So now, I'm busy too. Get the mssg. MM.

 

Not all affairs work like that though. If I call My MM he answers, if he doesn't, he calls me back within a matter of a few minutes. I never get the "I am busy" line. And he is with me on my birthday (and on HIS birthday he went to his house, had a quick birthday party with his W and all his kids over and then he left while they were all still there and came to spend the night with me, which is what HE wanted for his birthday), and on 'special' days for us, and even though he is home for the major holidays (which I admit sucks!!!) he also makes time to see me right before, and right afterwards. And he calls me several times on those holidays.

 

Is it the same as if he were single? Of course not, but right now I accept this. Maybe next week I won't, maybe next month, or next year... but it has to be when I am ready to let go.. or it just won't stick.

Edited December 28, 2009 by Fallen Angel

[DiDi123]

FooledOnce,

I wondered where that thread went! I tried to PM you last night but I received a message that said you weren't accepting PM's?

 

So the date went ok. He' seems like a nice guy and it was a pleasant first date (which means I didn't want to leave after 2 minutes) but my heart is still with MM. He wants to go to a movie in the next week.

 

I don't know, maybe this is all to soon for me.

 

But, back onto to topic of this thread......

BB07-I'm thinking about my situation and what you said made me think:

 

"I now see that he let me walk, not because he loved her more and me less but because it's what he had to do for himself. He had to do what he could live with and do it in the manner and timeframe that he could live with and he truly loved me enough to let me go.

 

Self respect is a very difficult thing to hang on to, when you are the one who is settling for less than what you want and good intentions aside, it would have destroyed me if I had not walked. "

 

He is letting me walk because he knows he is hurting me, not because he doesn't care for me. I get the feeling somehow that he's going to attempt to somehow get me "involved" again. I have to stay strong and continue to demand what I need.

 

Not sure which thread I read this on or who wrote about this but I think it applies to me. I don't want updates on how he's doing so I feel sorry for him, because I really don't. If he can't "grow a set" and get divorced then I can't be with him.

 

Speaking with my Mom last night, she said let him get divorced and until he comes back with divorce papers stay away. I know she's right and like I said before (and as Fallen Angel (and others have said), a few months ago I just wasn't ready to take the risk and walk away. But that's super important because if you aren't ready it isnt going to work.

 

I think the Holidays coming and me really realizing that he wasn't going to make an effort was just too much for me. And its not good enough for me at this point in my life.

 

My situation is of course similiar to others, but why he continues to stay is beyond me. They have no kids, no debt......but I can't enable him any longer. I wonder if he has just become so "used" to his dsyfunctional relationship that he thinks it is normal. But these are his issues to work out, not mine.

 

BB07- how long has it been since you walked away? Sorry if you are repeating, but I was just wondering and also, have you started dating again? Is it weird for you? Do you constantly compare "the date" to him?

Just my thoughts..........

[Shouldacouldawoulda]

Just Because you are terrified of losing him, doesnt mean you have no respect for yourself. Isn't this the exact reason why so many ow stay in the relationship and dont "push" the issue?

As I said earlier, I think that a part of us doesnt want to face that if we do push him, he may choose the wife and we will lose him forever..If we wait, he may see that we are the great love of his life and come to us forever with no wife.

I was there once, though now I am not. My circumstances are quite different now but I remember that feeling. I had to grow and change along the way. If you are going to give an ultimatum, you MUST be prepared to follow through with it 100%. When you are deeply in love, being prepared to let him walk away is the hardest thing you can do.

 

Wow. Thank you for that. I never really looked at it that way. I guess that is the ultimate reason I'm not walking away - I think if I give him more time, he will choose me. We were together last night, and we had a BIG talk about this. Since I just found this forum & it raised so many questions for me, I got it out last night. Unfortunately, his answers were exactly what I wanted & needed to hear, so of course, no help there.

 

Also - can't remember which poster said it, but that's a good point about "If every time they go home to their MW, they are choosing her. Does that mean every time he comes to me he's choosing me?" (or something to that effect.) I never looked at it that way either, but it seems to be the logical way of looking at it...

[fooled once]

FooledOnce,

I wondered where that thread went! I tried to PM you last night but I received a message that said you weren't accepting PM's?

 

So the date went ok. He' seems like a nice guy and it was a pleasant first date (which means I didn't want to leave after 2 minutes) but my heart is still with MM. He wants to go to a movie in the next week.

 

I don't know, maybe this is all to soon for me.

 

But, back onto to topic of this thread......

BB07-I'm thinking about my situation and what you said made me think:

 

"I now see that he let me walk, not because he loved her more and me less but because it's what he had to do for himself. He had to do what he could live with and do it in the manner and timeframe that he could live with and he truly loved me enough to let me go.

 

Self respect is a very difficult thing to hang on to, when you are the one who is settling for less than what you want and good intentions aside, it would have destroyed me if I had not walked. "

 

He is letting me walk because he knows he is hurting me, not because he doesn't care for me. I get the feeling somehow that he's going to attempt to somehow get me "involved" again. I have to stay strong and continue to demand what I need.

 

Not sure which thread I read this on or who wrote about this but I think it applies to me. I don't want updates on how he's doing so I feel sorry for him, because I really don't. If he can't "grow a set" and get divorced then I can't be with him.

 

Speaking with my Mom last night, she said let him get divorced and until he comes back with divorce papers stay away. I know she's right and like I said before (and as Fallen Angel (and others have said), a few months ago I just wasn't ready to take the risk and walk away. But that's super important because if you aren't ready it isnt going to work.

 

I think the Holidays coming and me really realizing that he wasn't going to make an effort was just too much for me. And its not good enough for me at this point in my life.

 

My situation is of course similiar to others, but why he continues to stay is beyond me. They have no kids, no debt......but I can't enable him any longer. I wonder if he has just become so "used" to his dsyfunctional relationship that he thinks it is normal. But these are his issues to work out, not mine.

 

BB07- how long has it been since you walked away? Sorry if you are repeating, but I was just wondering and also, have you started dating again? Is it weird for you? Do you constantly compare "the date" to him?

Just my thoughts..........

 

That's strange -- seems to be working cause I just sent myself a PM

 

DiDi, I hope you don't go see a movie with him. For me, that is just his way of sucking you back in. If he wants to see a movie with you, he can get divorced first. I fully agree with your mom. For you to go on a "date" with him will just be like before - - where you are the 'secret' and the affair will start all over again.

 

I am glad you enjoyed the date with the new guy as much as you could. Are there plans for a second date?

[fooled once]

Wow. Thank you for that. I never really looked at it that way. I guess that is the ultimate reason I'm not walking away - I think if I give him more time, he will choose me. We were together last night, and we had a BIG talk about this. Since I just found this forum & it raised so many questions for me, I got it out last night. Unfortunately, his answers were exactly what I wanted & needed to hear, so of course, no help there.

 

Also - can't remember which poster said it, but that's a good point about "If every time they go home to their MW, they are choosing her. Does that mean every time he comes to me he's choosing me?" (or something to that effect.) I never looked at it that way either, but it seems to be the logical way of looking at it...

 

 

Not really because he isn't STAYING with you -- it is just a pit stop on the way home. He has a bit of extra time so you get it BEFORE he goes home to the wife ~ at least that is the way I look at it.

 

No different in many ways than stopping by the store on the way home....

[DiDi123]

FooledOnce- The date I was referring to for the movie was with the date I had last night- NOT the MM. OH HELL NO would I go on a date with him!!!!!!!!!

 

Sorry about the confusion!