not married after 14 years and we have kids

[olderbutnotwiser]

I am 32 years old and I have been with my other half for over 14 years. We have a 7 year old and a 10 month old. I am not married. After years of excuses of why not I never get a good answer it's always if you did this constantly we would have already been married. But it's Bs bc when he gets those things for a resonable amount of time no marriage. My parents tell him he needs to marry me. My friends ask why I am not. Close family asks why aren't I married. I can't answer them I don't know. Our children carry his last name and my oldest plays like me and her father are getting married with her dolls. She even told me for Christmas she was going to make daddy put a ring on my finger. I tell him I want to get married and nothing ever comes from it. I am a outcast with my extended family bc I am living in sin. The guys at work think I am his wife bc that is what he calls me. I am a stay at home mom and everything is just like a marriage but the ring and name change. You put all these things together and it leaves me confused. Should I just face that I'm never going to get married and let it make me miserable knowing my dreams are crushed forever or should I tell him to either marry me or split apart. Let me finish by saying I believe in marriage and it's breaking my heart to keep wondering am I just not good enough for him to marry me. I would appreciate some advice. Thanks

[Angel1111]

Since you allowed the situation to get this far out of hand in the first place, then you can blame yourself just as much as him - actually more. As they say, people will treat you the way you let them treat you. At this point, the only thing you can do is break up with him. Because it's guaranteed to get his undivided attention. And do not let him live with you in the house again until the two of you are married. Not engaged, not a promise of marriage - but actual marriage. And make sure he knows that.

 

If you don't have the willpower to do this, then he'll never marry you - I can promise you that. That's the whole problem anyway - you're too insecure to demand that he treat you with respect, and he knows it. And no more of this crap about if you do this or that for him. I can't believe you buy into that nonsense. Tell him that you'll do whatever you please, whenever you please, and he can get lost. Read the book, "Why Men Love Bitches' and you'll understand why he has no respect for you. If you end the relationship and he stays gone after that, then you have your answer - he never cared anyway. Either way, you win.

[xpaperxcutx]

I would advise against using an Ultimatum. It never works. The worst is that he'll still answer no and once he's out of the house, you're left raising two kids with no income.

 

The first thing you need to do is to get back your sense of self. You're too dependent on your SO to have your own life. Hire a babysitter or get a nanny and go out find yourself a job where you can dress up and feel like a woman again.

 

The thing is, your SO already knows you're stuck with him, marriage or not. He's the bread winner of the house. Prove him wrong with actions that you have other options. Better to show then to tell him to choose this or that.

[SoulSearch_CO]

I would advise against using an Ultimatum. It never works. The worst is that he'll still answer no and once he's out of the house, you're left raising two kids with no income.

 

The first thing you need to do is to get back your sense of self. You're too dependent on your SO to have your own life. Hire a babysitter or get a nanny and go out find yourself a job where you can dress up and feel like a woman again.

 

The thing is, your SO already knows you're stuck with him, marriage or not. He's the bread winner of the house. Prove him wrong with actions that you have other options. Better to show then to tell him to choose this or that.

I agree more with this answer^ . You gotta find yourself and remind him who you are and what he stands to lose.

[Angel1111]

I would advise against using an Ultimatum. It never works. The worst is that he'll still answer no and once he's out of the house, you're left raising two kids with no income.

 

It's not about being an ultimatum. She just needs to end the relationship, and he needs to understand that NO MAN will be living with her in that house again unless she's married to him - that means him or anyone else. If he doesn't want to marry her, then so be it. But by continuing with the way things are, he's not going to change nor is he going to get how important being married is to her. Only when you're willing to let a relationship go does the other person see your value. She has proven to him that she will stick around no matter what. Bad idea. In addition to that, suggesting to her that she perform certain sexual favors in return for marriage (I'm assuming that's what she meant) tells me that he has zero respect for her. That needs to change immediately. Yes, ending the relationship is risky but it's better than staying with him under the current circumstances. If it doesn't get his attention, then so be it. He's still responsible for taking care of the children. I say give him a timeline - "I've decided that I don't like being with you under these circumstances and no matter how much we've talked about it, nothing ever changes. So you have one month to find another place to live." If he goes down to the courthouse with her within that time period, great. If not, bye-bye.

Edited December 20, 2009 by Angel1111

[Tayla]

As the old saying goes, why buy the cow when you are getting the milk for free.

 

I do not know the posters income or if they carry other means to sustain should something happen to the SO.

 

The bottom line is this though, when children are involved, one must ask, are they seeing a healthy partnership between the parents, are they fed and clothed, given emotional support. If so , marriage isn't the ultimate in this family dynamic. Love is.

[Nynn]

Hi there olderbutnotwiser, I'm interested in following this thread because I am in a similar situation to you. I've been with my SO for 11 years now and we have 2 kids, 3 years old and 1 year old. Up until about a year ago I was fine with not getting married and I didn't think it was something I needed. So that worked well for us as we were of like mind.

 

However... about a year ago I started getting really emotional seeing wedding ceremonies in movies and thinking how beautiful and romantic it is to take that ultimate step of commitment to each other. We went to my cousin's wedding in the summer and to my shock I was jealous!!

 

I've tried to see what my reasons are exactly for wanting to get married. It's not for our relationship itself, which I know to be very strong and we are very open with each other. Rather for the little things that would come with being married... having his last name, being able to call him my husband rather than my partner or boyfriend...

 

I've asked him and he has said he doesn't want to... maybe in 10 years... I'm 30 now. I know his parents had a horrid divorce - could that be the reason? My parents had a horrid divorce too... I thought I didn't want marriage but I obviously do and as time goes by I feel more and more strongly about it.

 

Just like you I'm wondering how to deal with this. Do I somehow accept it and 'move on' from what I now want so badly?

 

Thanks for listening, and know that you're not alone in what you are feeling **hugs**

[BentSpine]

Close family asks why aren't I married.

Boundaries. When someone is attacking your relationship like this, you need to communicate to your close family to butt out of your private issues. I would say something along: "We OBVIOUSLY have not decided to yet." (Then be silent to let them know the topic is over.)

[Lauriebell82]

Hi there olderbutnotwiser, I'm interested in following this thread because I am in a similar situation to you. I've been with my SO for 11 years now and we have 2 kids, 3 years old and 1 year old. Up until about a year ago I was fine with not getting married and I didn't think it was something I needed. So that worked well for us as we were of like mind.

 

However... about a year ago I started getting really emotional seeing wedding ceremonies in movies and thinking how beautiful and romantic it is to take that ultimate step of commitment to each other. We went to my cousin's wedding in the summer and to my shock I was jealous!!

 

I've tried to see what my reasons are exactly for wanting to get married. It's not for our relationship itself, which I know to be very strong and we are very open with each other. Rather for the little things that would come with being married... having his last name, being able to call him my husband rather than my partner or boyfriend...

 

I've asked him and he has said he doesn't want to... maybe in 10 years... I'm 30 now. I know his parents had a horrid divorce - could that be the reason? My parents had a horrid divorce too... I thought I didn't want marriage but I obviously do and as time goes by I feel more and more strongly about it.

 

Just like you I'm wondering how to deal with this. Do I somehow accept it and 'move on' from what I now want so badly?

 

Thanks for listening, and know that you're not alone in what you are feeling **hugs**

 

I think you should start your own thread and you can get more tailored and personal advice! Welcome to LS!

 

Anyway, just speaking in general "accepting" that you aren't going to have something you want so badly isn't going to make you happy in the long run. Eventually you will build up resentment and unless you REALLY try to convince yourself that your boyfriend is worth giving up marriage, "moving on" probably won't work very well.

[aerogurl87]

It's been 14 years, you two have two kids, and you've put up with his crap thus far. OP you've shown your boyfriend that he's won. He doesn't have to marry you because no matter how much you bother him about the issue, he'll always have the upper hand. Your not going anywhere so why should he marry you now? So unless you up and leave and show that you can and will find someone who will marry you as you desire, you're stuck. If he hasn't put a ring on your finger by now I doubt he ever will.