What do to when you know you lost the right one?

[bubbamackdaddy69]

Hello everyone and thanks for reading. This is my first time posting so bare with me.. Well this is the situation.. I'm 27 and my ex-girlfriend is 24. She broke up with me 4 months ago because to be honest I think she got fed up with us fighting alot lately. We were together for about 2 years and 8 months, and we lived together and had 3 pets together, 1 dog and 2 cats. Anyways she broke up with me saying that we argued too much and that she didn't believe me when I would tell her that I love her. Well she said she belives me when I say I love you but doesn't think I'm "In Love" with her. We would argue about all the little things.Mainly my fault on alot of issues. Ever since we started going out she was head over heals for me. She loved me to the fullest and loved my family as well. She would mention on how much she wanted to marry me and have my children, etc... To be honest I never showed her how much I loved her as much as I should have. I mean I Love her and did show her that but I admit not as much as I should have. The thing is that I've never grown past my college years. I was a popular guy in school in all the sports and went to all the parties and had my fair share of woman, alot were one night stands mind you but anyways.. I've always thought about what my friends would say about BUBBA growing up and in a serious relationship and I guess that is why I was always a commitment phobic even though I was with her for almost 3 years. I still wanted to hang out with my friends because I still have alot of them from high school and party and stuff. The thing is she was never an outgoing girl. She wasn't that popular in school and when we were together we lived in my hometown which is a big city and her only 3 friends were back where she grew up about a 2 hour drive away. So I felt like she always depended on me and made me feel bad when some nights I wanted to go out with my buddies.

 

So about the break up.. About a week before we broke up she was chatting on line alot and met a guy there. 3 weeks later she is dating this guy after our break up and it really hurt me. The first month of our break up I was the one begging her back and all but then stopped after a month. Then she kept calling me about once a week or so after that to meet up for coffee or lunch. I at that point was trying to do the No Contact thing to get over her and try to win her back. But the thing is that she has still been dating this guy since 2 weeks after our break up. So last month her new boyfriend gave her an ultimatum.. It was either stop talking to me or they are done.. She told me what he said and said she wasn't sure what she wanted to do. I told her that I still loved her and said that it was her choice on what to do. She told me that she realizes that I still love her but she can't say the same for me... That hurt... Even though I still think this is a rebound relationship it still hurt to hear her say that she doesn't love me anymore?? That night she told me that I told her that she never has to speak to me again to please here new boyfriend and his ultimatum and that is what she has done I guess. It's been 1 month since I've seen or spoken to her. My question is..What should I do now when I know that I truly love her and still believe she loves me? At least I think she still loves me after all we have been through together the last 3 years. I know she said that because she is with the new rebound guy, and to make matters worse I am with a rebound girl as well for the last 2 months or so. I feel bad and I know I should break off with this girl soon as It is not fair to her because I still think of my ex everyday. So the question is should I still hang onto hope that someday we will be together again or should I just let go?? It's so true what people say.. " You don't know what you have until it's gone.."

[mjk]

Been there...Done that!

 

Seems like right now all you can do is wait. Only time will tell. It seems like with us guys, we can be very decisive about what we want to do. With you both being in "other" relationships that is REALLY going throw a wrench in the mix. Even if you are, and she isn't... or visa-versa...it still won't really work between the two of you until you are both single again.

 

Sounds like she is wrapped up in the initial period of the "new" realtionship. Maybe you were too. Anything you do right now is going to "push" her away BIG TIME. You did say you gave it a month with no contact. Wow, that was impossible for me! Maybe try to just call (only talk to her on the phone, in person, NO messages) and say " hey, let's have coffee etc." Keep it to 45 minutes or less, upbeat, fun, then go another week and see what happens? With the other relationships going on don't expect anything really.

 

Its great that you love her and all, but maybe its over?

 

I kinda have a similar thing with my post "Married 5 years, divorced 8 months, should I keep wanting to get back together?" I'll see what my suggestions are from everyone and go from there.

 

Hey, good luck! Sounds like your heart is in the right place.

[bubbamackdaddy69]

Thanks for the reply MJK...

The thing is that when we last spoke last month she told me that her new boyfriend gave her that ultimatum about not speaking or seeing me ever I guess because he must be a jealous and possesive guy. So I made it clear to her that she doesn't have to speak to me ever again if that's what her new boyfriend wants. I told her that I didn't want to be responsible to ruin 2 relationships..Meaning ours that we did have and her new one. She is a stubborn girl and if you force her to do something she will do the opposite just out of spite. Only time will tell if she will let this new guy control herl ike that.

 

Unfortunetly the relationship I am in now I am not giving the other girl my full effort. At first it was mainly just for sex but now I think she is getting strong feelings for me. She left yesterday for 2 weeks to go back home on the east coast to see her family over the holidays. When she gets back I'm gonna have to let her know how I feel....That I'm not ready for a committed and serious relationship. And as for my ex I still think that it is a rebound relationship..I mean she \started dating him like 2 weeks after we broke up.. I know for a fact that she was in love with me. now? I'm not sure if she still lovesd me...but it definetly takes a little time to get over someone and I think she is trying to deal with it by dating someone so soon after the break up..

It just seems to always happens that when someone breaks up with you you then realize how much they mean to you. I took her for granted and realize now that you don't what you have until it's gone !!

[Butterfly1]

But sometimes it takes more then love to make a relationship work. There must have been some issues or conflicts that drove her to break up with you. She might still love you but that doesn't mean that she believes that you are the right person for her. She is young and maybe she needs to date around and see what else is out there or figure out if your relaltionship is worth saving.

 

And just because she started dating this guy two weeks after you broke up, doesn't necessarily mean he is a rebound. Perhaps she was getting "over" you while you were still dating. Maybe by the time she had the courage to call it off, she had already healed. She might be able to separate her feelings for you and the other guy. Right now, she wants to focus on her relationship with this guy and you are doing the right thing by stepping aside and not contacting her.

 

Why are you so sure that she is the right person for you? Have been in other serious relaltionships before her? And she might still love you..I mean I don't understand how someone can date someone else for three years and not love them but maybe whatever happenned between the two of you caused her to fall out of love with you eventually. 24 is still pretty young and she is probably or has probably changed a lot over the last few years.

 

Only time will tell if her feelings for you are strong enough for you to get back together. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do now to change anything between the two of you. I know you are still thinking about your ex but why/how did you get involved with someone else if you still had feelings for her? Besides the fact that you are not over your ex, is there anything wrong with the girl you are dating now? And if you chose to break up with her, be honest - tell her you are not over your ex and you want to be fair to her because right now you are not giving her a fair chance and that the timing is off. You have been dating this girl for two months? How serious were you before she left?

[bubbamackdaddy69]

Yeah I guess it does make sense... Maybe she fell out of love with me before we actually broke up. We were pretty serious in our relationship. We lived together for 2 years and had pets together and we were really close to each others family. She would often bring up the subject of marriage and children..But I was the scared one and ran away from that.Honestly if it was up to her we would have been married last year and have a kid by now. I got a really sweet card last week from my ex's little sister. It was a xmas card just saying that she loves me and misses me..It was sweet considering she is only 10.

I got involved with this new girl about 2.5 months ago at work. She doesn't work with me, but she was a client that I was helping and I thought to myself that I should just ask her out...And I did and we've been dating since..

It's weird and confusing... It just hurts knowing she is not with me anymore when I knew that most of the problems were my fault.My fear of commitment and that I showed little affection towards her. I did love her and showed her affection but not as much as she wanted and I guess needed. I'm a very quiet guy when it comes to emotions.I keep things in and that is what frustrated her about me.

I guess I'll see what happens... Only time will tell....

I feel so much like calling her but I'm stubborn and I'm gonna respect her wishes to not call her because that is what the new boyfriends wants too....

[Butterfly1]

Well, I think NOT getting married last year or the year before was a good decision considering she is just 24 now. You did the right thing by waiting and fear of commiment in your mid twenties is VERY normal and you should almost be a little hesitant on making such a huge life decision. But, I would not take all the blame for the breakup. It does take two people. You say you were not very affectionate but were you affectionate when she fell in love with you? I think she fell in love with you for the person you are and just because you were not ready to get married at 25 or 26, should not mean to her that you would never be ready. Were there ANY other problems or fights or dissagreements?

 

Yes, it is true that sometimes you don't realize what you had until you lost it but also sometimes ego can get in the way. Sometimes when someone we care about leaves us, we not only get our hearts broken but our egos and pride can go away with them. Are you sure its really her you now want to spend the rest of your life with and not just her to come back so you don't have to feel rejected. (if that makes sense)

 

And the girl you have been dating for 2 1/2 months I would just be totally honest with her. Try to look her objectively as if you never met your ex. Is she someone you could really care about? If you think so then just tell her what you are thinking and how you are feeling. You might be surprised on how she reacts.

 

With your ex, you might send her a letter in a few weeks if you want to expressing how you feel about her and how you want another chance. just say everything to her so you can walk away (if you have to) knowing that you gave it your all.

[bubbamackdaddy69]

Yeah I'm 27 now and If I was still with her I think I would have been ready for married sometime next year or something but not now. Well at first we used to fight about my partying and drinking. I would still want to go out with my buddies and party and I weould drink once or twice a week at first. She didn't like it when I did that because her father is an alcoholic and hated seeing me do it.. But as much as I loved her I agreed on cutting down on my partying and drinking the last 1.5 years we were together. I promised her that I would cut back and I really did even now when I'm single.. I cut back to about once a month , maybe twice. And she did noticed that and thanked me. Another thing that we argued about what on materialistic things. I was born and raised in a big city and I admit I am materialistic in a way..not as much lately by I was alot. I used to ask her to wear sexier clothes or "regular clothes" more often and wear make-up once in a while. You see she is a very beautiful girl but she wasn't always lady like...She grew up in the country and she didn't care as much as I did about appearance I guess. She worked in a dental office so everyday I would see her in her work "scrubs" or sweat pants everyday and sometimes I would get frustrated and ask her to dress up once in a while..not always but once in a while and she was the type of girl that is you kept asking for something she wouldn't do it out of spite... She would always tell me.."Why does it matter what I look like if you love me soo much?" and I would always tell her that I always loved her but would like to see her excentuate her looks once in a while because she was so beautiful..

 

About sending her a letter in a few weeks...I don't think I'm gonna do that..I've already done that so it is up to her to decide now I guess. I guess what really hurt was that the last time that I saw or spoke to her 4 weeks ago I told her that I still loved her. She replied by saying.."I know you still love me but I can't say the same about you." That hurt coming from the girl that gave me everything, and I truly belived she loved me to the fullest when we were together. She would tell me how much she loved me everyday and how much she wanted to be my wife. I loved her with all my heart but was too stubborn to take it to the next step...

[Butterfly1]

What you fought about is normal. It should not have been enough for her to just break up with you. Drinking, dressing up, going out -- these are not fundamental problems and from what you say, it looks like you really made an effort to make things work. Did you ever think that maybe the problem has nothing to do with you or your inability to commit back then and more to do with her. Maybe thats why the letter you already sent her did not change anything and she is able to move on. Maybe she is just too young right now to know what she really wants (besides to just get married) Stop blaming yourself.

 

My cousin once dated this guy for five years (18-23) - she talked about marrying him ALL the time and he told her he wanted to marry her. She was really in love with him for a long time and it seemed like one day, she just fell out of love with him. It must have happenned gradually. She broke up with him in a train station and started dating this other guy in her office that fit her "ideal" man description a little more. I saw him a few months after the breakup and he put all the blame on himself for the breakup and the things he should have done. But the thing is, there was nothing he could have done- my cousin was just not ready. My cousin was young and immature...always convinced the guy she was dating (which she always dated for a few years) she was going to marry. She dated the next guy for a few years and they eventually broke up (he broke up with her) but her pattern continued of always dating "the one". She is now married but I think she just settled because she was getting older.

 

Sorry for the tangent but I am just trying to tell you that you shouldn't blame yourself entirely for what happenned. 24 is young and she is probably just a little immature and confused right now. Marriage is for the rest of your life (hopefully) and she might have been in love in with idea of being with someone forever but in reality NOT ready for it herself. I am not saying she wasn't in love with or still doesn't love you but maybe she is not ready right now to be in love until death do us part. If thats the case, then maybe she just needs time (and I mean more then a few weeks/months) to figure out what she is looking for and what she is really capable of giving.

[bubbamackdaddy69]

Yeah I see where you are coming from. The main reason why we fought about the things that we did fight about was because I was very social as well. I mean at 27 I still had about 20 good friends calling me and about 5 real bestfriends that I still hung out with from high school. Her on the other hand grew up in another town about a 1.5 hour drive from here and she didn't have many friends. She had 2 back in her hometown that she hardly saw and 1 in town that she hardly saw as well. So I think she depended alot on me and wanted my full attention all the time but the fact was that I had alot of friends that would call and wanted to go out and stuff. I stayed in alot because of her because she would get mad or I would feel guilty for going out with my friends.But the thing is I would always invite her to come out but would rarely come out.. She didn't like it that my friends liked going out to pubs for some beers and stuff...to wastch the game or something..

She used to always ask me when I was going to grow up? She said that she has been in that stage of her life and has moved on and is ready for a family and stuff.. I agreed with her and wanted that honestly but she would always pressure me about marriage and children.. I used to always tell her that I wanted to ask her tomarry me when she would not mention it..because I wanted to surprise her and not bake her feel like I was force into it by her..Make sense??

[Butterfly1]

Yes, it makes total sense. I think what you did with your friends, going out with your friends is totally normal and healthy. You should not feel bad or have been guilt tripped for going out and seeing them and not spending all your time with her. How she wanted you to act is how you should be when you are in your late 30s, not young to mid twenties. I don't think you were immature in liking to go out. She just sounds different. It must have been hard for her to be away from her friends but she made that decision when she moved to that city and she could have also tried to go out and make more friends. I don't blame you for telling her you were not ready for marriage - did you ever ask her why she felt so rushed to settle down and have children? Did you know that 80% of the people that get married at 24 or younger end up in divorce? The divorce rate is so high because the people getting married at that age are ultimately NOT ready...people change.

 

If your girlfriend broke up with you becuase she wanted to get married now and marry someone who will sit home with her for the next fifty years then maybe you are better off. Maybe she is in love more with settling down and having kids then being in love with the actual person. Maybe when she didn't see you settling down with her soon, she moved onto the next person who she thought might be ready to settle down now and not next year.

 

Or, maybe she realized that you two are different in what you like to do. If you are a social person, you are always going to be somewhat of a social person. Maybe she just wants someone who likes to be codependent and stay home. Wouldn't you like to be with someone that has the same interests in going out or someone that encourages you to spend time with your friends and someone a little bit more independent.

[bubbamackdaddy69]

Yeah I agree with you on that.. To be honest I did enjoy taking it easy alot more but not always.. I realized that I am 27 and I'm creeping up there near 30. And I am ..I have a good government job make about 48,000$/year and a new car...Take care of the bills finacially better than the ex....She was the "WORSE" with money...Well actually I bought the "New" car for my ex... She wanted a 2003 Chev Malibu because it was more of a family car and I really wanted a Trans Am or Camaro. So trying to be nice I surprised her with it the following week..she was happy..but funny how we broke up about 1.5 months an\fter I bought it and now I'm stuck with a car that I never really wanted.. I'm beggining to like it a bit more though now.. I tinted the windows..lol....

But the funny part is that I am not willing as much to go out and party now even though I am single now.. I've grown a bit tired of the bar scene..always the same thing... I guess I should thank my ex for that at least..

Oh well ..I guess I should seriously move on and let it be..If it's meant to be then it's meant to be,...

I guess I should let the girl I'm dating now go.. Gotta let her down gently though, she is a nice person..I'm just not ready for a new relationship...

[Butterfly1]

No, I think as you get older you just get tired of the bar scene. I am 28 and have been sick of it for a couple of years. Every now and then its nice to go out and have a good time but I have no desire to do it every weekend. Its gets old fast and can be lonely.

 

To me, it seems like you did as much as you could do to make the relationship work. Dont blame yourself for not being ready, you were just being honest and I think you were taking this life decision a little bit more seriously then she was. 24 is very young and its too bad she is focusing her life so much on having a family and being settled down and not working on her own life and what she can establish and what she can learn BEFORE she starts a family.

 

Just remember that if it was true love between you, she will come back. A new boyfriend or no contact for awhile is not going to change that. You really cannot do more and really try to learn from this experience. She probably does love you but is more focused on being married now then trying to figure it out anymore with you. Do not blame yourself.

 

If you don't feel ready to make another commitment, then break up with the girl you are now dating. I feel sorry for her because she did nothing wrong but I guess she knew what she was getting into when she started dating you.

[bubbamackdaddy69]

Yeah I do feel bad for the new girl I'm dating.She's really nice and all but my heart just isn't in it..

And as for the marriage thing.. I always said to her that maybe we should wait until we are financially stable and all. For example buying a house first and stuff.. It would have been a while though if we were still together though..Because she had the WORST credit rating ever and the banks would most likely base a mortgage on my income. I make a decent living and so does she but the mortgage I would get just on my finances would be iffy.... Her point was that it didn't matter what we had or how much money we had. All that mattered is that we loved each other and we can still have a child and be married. I agreed somewhat with that but I always thought of my married life with children would be when I'm 30 with a nice house..LOL...

Thanks for making me realize that it is not all MY fault.... But I have realized that some of it is though..

[Butterfly1]

Well, I think think your exgirlfriend sounds obsessed with marriage. What she did to you is unfair. How can you go from talking about being married and having a family a few months ago, to breaking up and dating someone else? If she were truely in love with you, she would not have broken up with you because you wanted to wait until you were more stable. And when you told her that you loved her and she told you that she didn't feeel the same -- didn't it make you wonder if she wasn't in love with you, then why was she talking about getting married and having kids a few months before....don't you talk about those things with someone you are truely in love with? So, for one -- if she IS really in love with you, then she SHOULD come back and then you can continue your relationship but if she is NOT in love with you now, then you really are better off. She would then be proving that she is more in love with getting married and having a baby now then being with the right person.

 

 

To me, you sound like the rational person. From what you have written, she is just looking for someone to settle down with now and you might have been the perfect person for her but thats not what she is looking for. Her need to be married now might have impaired her ability to really love someone. If that is the case, consider it a blessing that you are not with her. She might end up marrying someone else but I don't believe it will be because she is truely in love with the person but just just in love with the idea of being married.

 

 

There are MANY MANY girls out there like her....girls that focus their entirely lives on getting married.....its a need of theres, its a security issue that is so important that they will do anything to make it come true. Please, do not blame yourself. Even if you married her, it doesn't mean that you would live happily ever after.

[bubbamackdaddy69]

Thanks again for the kind words.. I think she was obsessed with marriage. Who knows what she's thinking now. The last we spoke she said she needed time for "Herself" but as far as I know she is still with that new guy she met on-line. She may even be living with him..I'm not sure though.. Apart from the marriage stuff, the last 6 months we did argue alot though. About little stupid things and I guess that pushed her as well to break up with me..

Oh well.. I know that I still love her and would love to try and work things out maybe later but if and when it does come to that later I'm really not sure what I would do.. Maybe it's just me but I don't know if I can trust her again.. I mean she really hurt me when she broke up with me and the worst part was that she started dating someone like 2 weeks after.... She even met him on-line when we were still living together, about a week before we broke up and even was talking to him on the phone the first week we broke up when she was still living with me... grrrrr

[Butterfly1]

Sounds like a girl who can't be alone. Perhaps she was just looking for someone else while living with you (well she was) because she could just break up with you if she didn't have another person lined up. Honestly, feel sorry for her. That was wrong of her to do and she did EXACTLY what my cousin did. You really are better off. I know it hurts but give it time. You will get your answers. I need to go to sleep now. Take care.

[bubbamackdaddy69]

It is true..She always needed someone or a boyfriend. Ever since she was 15 she pretty much always had a boyfriend. At 15 she dated someone for 5 years then this other guy for 1year then me for almost 3 years.. She was never single since she was 15..Maybe a couple of months but that's it..

Thanks for your advice

[Butterfly1]

She sounds exactly like my cousin. She had been dating someone always since she was 12...all the way until one of her boyfriends dumped her at 27 and then she was only single for a few months. EVERY guy she dated was always serious and she was ALWAYS going to marry them. I am sure your ex girlfriend is a wonderful person but I don't think its healthy for anyone to go from relationship to relationship, never knowing what it is like to be independent and to be on your own. She is probably to some level a very insecure person who needs someone else to complete her. That is probably why she could not break up with you until she had someone else lined up. And she probably only broke with you because the marriage wasn't coming fast enough and maybe she harped too much on the little things. All couples fight. Its normal. Its not normal to break up with someone you have dated and lived with for several years and already be talking about moving in with somebody or dating somebody else so seriously so fast. I know it still hurts but I do believe that in time you will be able to look back on this experience and know you did the right things. That the problem was her problem and her insecurities.

[bubbamackdaddy69]

Thank you again for your kind words.. It helps alot.. Thinking back on it you are so true on what she seems to be. Honestly I think it was about 3 or 4 months in the relationship she was talking about marriage.Nothing too serious but the topic came up anyways after only 3 or 4 months together. We had our complications at the beginning as well. She got pregnant early in our relationship. About 4 months in..We lost our baby due to a miscarriage. That may have played a part in it as well. And ever since the miscarriage and I don't wanna go into too much detail but a few weeks later we were making love and she started having sharp pains in her stomach. We found out later that it was a cyst in her ovary. It was too small to operate on so I guess the doctor advised my ex that if she doesn't conceive soon she may not be able to ever conceive a child. So thinking back now I kind of know why she always wanted a child. But as for me and I'll admit it..I was never a good listener..She would talk and talk to me but It would never sink in..I was never good at understanding peoples emotions..