mikeymad Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 I'm hoping to get some advice, or at least a empathetic ear. My wife and I are currently separated (I'm living at a friends), and things aren't looking good. She's brought up the D word quite a bit lately, and every conversation moves towards her commenting of "it's done" and "i can't do this anymore". The whole NC thing hasn't been working too well for me, as i work only 3 miles from our house, and it's a business I just started. A little background on our story. Together for 4, married for 1. I left for a job for 6 months 3 months after we were married. Came back this past july, and things haven't been the same since. We started staying in separate rooms in september, a week before our 1st anniversary. She now states that she has "never" felt loved, appreciated etc. Her mom now says that she never wanted us to get married in the first place. I know from my upbringing it brought some of the underappreciation and not showing love into the picture, but i'm not sure if this is an exaggerated version of what's going on to justify what's happening on her end. I have gone through all the begging, pleading, letter writing, old picture pulling out, but she isn't having any of it. In going through other responses, it only seems to push her away further. It's rough right now because this next weekend we were supposed to go back to my parent's house for christmas, where I proposed to her. The thing is she doesn't really communicate to me, and i'm not sure if i'm gonna get served papers. paranoid every day. we are both going to individual therapists...mine is to gt the marriage back, hers is to "find herself". apparently her therapist told her she has an unhealthy relationship. i thought therapists weren't supposed to make those judgements. I feel like I am slowly losing my mind. Help. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mikeymad Posted December 20, 2009 Author Share Posted December 20, 2009 she says she has asked for changes, and unfortunately most of those have not lasted long. it doesn't help she refuses to recognize them as changes until they reach a long term status, but i accept my role nonetheless. They say when you are at the end of your rope tie a knot and hang on...well this has been a truly eye opening experience for me. I know that I have changed, because I see my priorities in their true light. She doesn't believe me and says she feels like a fool for believing me every other time. I just don't know how to prove it to her when she is so resistant. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 hers is to "find herself". apparently her therapist told her she has an unhealthy relationship. Yeah, with another man. Have you investigated? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mikeymad Posted December 20, 2009 Author Share Posted December 20, 2009 there was another guy that i found out about, but she only kissed him one time. it was when i was gone for the 6 months, and she was extremely lonely. yes it hurt, but i said i was willing to move past it to get to the reasons why the situation came about that she did that. was your post objective, or cynical? Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 Just trying to get the full story. The more information, the better the advice. You can't fight the enemy if you don't know who/what the enemy is. Dig deeper. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mikeymad Posted December 20, 2009 Author Share Posted December 20, 2009 she is very religious (whole family is), and she said that she's repented and asked god for forgivness (gone to confession without me knowing) when i found out. she just didn't know the right time to tell me because of all the other problems. i don't feel like it's a another guy thing. We spoke last night for the first time in 6 days and that's when i found out about what the therapist said. There are always 3 sides to every story, the girl's side, the guy's side, and the truth. I just wish people would stop giving advice based on a biased story. I've also tried leaving articles, like the walkaway wife syndrome (part of a better book called The divorce remedy-my therapist recommended it to me), the book is awesome, and i would love for her to read it because it describes our situation so well. but i also don't want her to read what it suggests i do, and think of it as a "gameplan". Torn. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 Everything you are doing now is pushing her further away. Do not leave articles around for her to read. She is not interested and is not listening. Your best best is to do the 180. Nothing else will work. Not saying this will work either but it's the only chance you have. While you are doing the 180 it also gives you strength to move on without her in your life, if it comes to that. 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. 2. No frequent phone calls. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage. 4. Do not follow her around the house. 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. 6. Do not ask for help from family members. 7. Do not ask for reassurances. 8. Do not buy gifts. 9. Do not schedule dates together. 10. Do not spy on spouse. 11. Do not say "I Love You". 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive. 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while). 21. Never lose your cool. 22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic. 23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger). 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out. 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy. 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared. 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes. Link to post Share on other sites
nobmagnet Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 homer does a good win them back thing. He advised janedoe35 if i recall correctly. very very very interesting veiw and itmight help you. just a thought x Link to post Share on other sites
nobmagnet Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 hopes and dreams..................top top top advice. xxx Link to post Share on other sites
Author mikeymad Posted December 20, 2009 Author Share Posted December 20, 2009 I have read those, and they make sense on paper. It is much harder in real life application. Does not making frequent phone calls mean NC? I mean I need to know if I need to look for a place for myself, I can't stay with my friends forever...and she transferred all her savings away from our jt accounts and has her work money applied to that account now as well. Would it be prudent to just ask her what her plans are, or if there is another guy, because I need to make a plan for my life if she files? Or would that just push the issue further? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mikeymad Posted December 20, 2009 Author Share Posted December 20, 2009 homer does a good win them back thing. He advised janedoe35 if i recall correctly. very very very interesting veiw and itmight help you. just a thought x who is homer? and how can i find that post Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 Move back into your home. She's the one that wants out of the M. She is the one that needs to leave. You already know what her plans are, so why ask? You can outright ask her if there is another guy, but don't expect her to fess up, without proof, and even with proof, cheaters deny, deny, deny. Cheaters lie, big time. What if she's not cheating? You have only been married for a short time. What other possible reason could there be? Are you a monster? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mikeymad Posted December 20, 2009 Author Share Posted December 20, 2009 i don't think i am. she cites that she just gave and gave, and i took and took and never gave back. and i said things would change and they never did permanently Link to post Share on other sites
Author mikeymad Posted December 20, 2009 Author Share Posted December 20, 2009 and technically its her house, she bought it before we were married. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mikeymad Posted December 20, 2009 Author Share Posted December 20, 2009 we've been together for 5 years, only married 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 It's the marital home. Is she going to buy you out? You should consult with a lawyer, like yesterday. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mikeymad Posted December 20, 2009 Author Share Posted December 20, 2009 i did. he said it is pretty cut and dried. I just got out of school and started a business, so not much to give on my part. she has house to herself. he says essentially court will split things up to pre-marriage. she gets house and her $, i get business and my $. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mikeymad Posted December 20, 2009 Author Share Posted December 20, 2009 Like i said, don't know if I should just bring this up or if it will just speed up any processes. I'm torn between doing the 180 (which is do nothing), or getting answers to questions I have. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 Since you're not living in the home and don't have any kids, NC would be your most powerful option. Do not take her calls, do not write emails back and forth and do drop off the face of the earth as far as she is concerned. This could bring home to her that you are simply not there for her anymore. Her choice. It would make her wonder about you and miss you and respect you. If this does not happen, you are well and truly on your way to living life without her. Don't fall for the let's be friends either. She would only want that in order to wean herself off you and it would only give you false hope. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mikeymad Posted December 21, 2009 Author Share Posted December 21, 2009 she stated that she *might* have time to get together this week. it feels like all she's worried about is her stuff (presents, baking, family) and not our situation. it's tough for me because I am supposed to go see my fam, and that's where i proposed to her. I don't want to be alone, but i know doing these things without her will be a very painful reminder that we're not together. i am fearing NC because she pretty much has everything where she wants it and it's my life that's in limbo. Link to post Share on other sites
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