Latest events in changing relationship, where are we headed?

[mj931]

Hello:

 

This is my first contribution to this fine community, I'd like to thank you in advance for your observations and input. I've got alot on my mind so please bear with me.

 

My girlfriend and I have been in an happily exclusive relationship now for 2 and a half years. Fueled by every ounce of my heart and soul, I love her more than anything in the world. Up until the beginning of November we'd been spending the majority of our time together outside of work and school. It works well because we share exactly the same interests and activities and we enjoy trying new things together. Our love life has never been a problem and we try to make an effort to keep all channels of communication open to maintain the relationship.

 

We may have gotten a little too close....

 

Beginning in early November, I began to notice a change in our relationship. She began spending alot more time on her own especially in the after-work happy hour scene and clubbing until late in the night. This change in behaviour coincided with her meeting a whole new group of friends through the after-work and club scene. She seems to spend much of her time with one certain male individual who I know is deeply interested in my GF. We'll refer to him as "A". Talking to my GF, I let it be known that I was aware of his intentions and what affect it has on their friendship. She assured me that there's nothing between them and that she knows where to draw the line in that situation. Fine, I trust her and drop the subject as she's never given me any reason not to trust her.

I asked her about the status of our relationship, and she tells me that she needs to have more time to herself and that she still loves me dearly. Having no problem with that, I gave her the space that she asked for. It's a big change to go from seeing somebody everyday and having it change drastically. It's tough, all of a sudden you've got alot more time to yourself.

 

Fast forward to December. I'd been seeing her on our new lighter schedule until we went on a trip together with another friend for a week doing some skiing and snowboarding. We had an amazing time except that I stumbled onto text message conversations that she had with "A". It's discomforting, I let it go because I still trust her but I does plant a seed of doubt in my mind. The day we get back, it's a late night flight and she decides to go to work that day. That night, I went over to her place to return their van used in transporting our gear and I had dinner with her family. I was unable to contact her because her cell phone was out of batteries. When she got home, she was kinda quiet. I asked where she went and she had dinner with Mr. A. We watched a basketball game together and afterwards she told me that she was tired and wanted to go to bed, we had a conversation and she proceeded to tell me that she needed more of a break as in she didn't really want to be in a relationship at the moment citing professional reasons at work. Didn't really make sense to me logically, but I respected her wishes even though I was upset.

 

Two days later, she contacts me. Says she misses me and that she wants to see a movie. Sure, I went with her and things seemed to be ok. I asked her how she was doing, "better" she said but still not wanting to talk much about it and I let it go. I don't want to beat it out of her, but it's very difficult when I'm left in the dark without a light.

 

LAST NIGHT

 

Not seeing and talking to my GF much over the week (Saw her for the movie and briefly on Thursday) I was really missing her and needed to see her before she left for another week on a trip today. I called her a few times without response and left a text message on her phone. I decided to go for a drive for some reason and proceeded to drive to her place. Waited for a long time outside calling her and she finally calls me back and apoligizes for missing my call as she was clubbing but was home now. I never saw her come home, she'd entered on the main street instead of the usual back entrance. I had driven away and called her up again asking if I could come over for just a bit. Sensing a bit of a reluctant tone in her voice I insist and finally she gives in "you want to have a coffee or something?" I'm flying back the way I came towards her place. Driving past the front of the building, I spot Mr. A's car parked in the front! And I'm feeling the emotions flying towards my head and my imagination running wild. I drove like a madman around teh back of the building to the back entrance and two lady cops stopped me thinking I was trying to evade them, I told them my situation and the let me off. I get up into her place and I notice that A is gone. We had a long talk, she says that he'd driven her home and that he had been drinking so he stayed on the couch and that nothing happened. I let her know that it's still inappropriate for him to be her, and she agrees somewhat. She insists that she knows her limits and that I need to trust her....should I? I don't have any actual proof that she's not telling the truth. *sigh*

 

Today I drove my GF and her sister to the airport as they were going on their trip together. We'll see what happens when she gets back. I just got a call from her at her destination.

 

 

At this point, I'm pretty much going to let it go. Not call her, let her call me. Give her the space she wants. If she comes back then it's meant to be, if not so be it. I love her so much, I know she loves me. We'll see.

 

Thanks...

[bryanp]

Hello,

 

I am sorry for your pain but I think it is important for you to face reality about your girlfriend and your relationship. First, your girlfriend has been acting more as a single woman than a person who is in a committed relationship. Second, it is pretty clear that she is seeing this other guy behind your back. After all this she says he was just sleeping on the couch? If you believe this then I have a bridge to sell you. Thirdly, she has constantly lied to you about her relationship with this guy behind your back. The bottom line is that it seems you are lonely and wish to be with her. You should not have to settle for a girlfriend who lies to you, cheats on you and disrespects you the way she has done. Imagine being with a girlfriend who is honest, respects you and respects being in a committed relationship which are characteristics that your so-called present girlfriend does not have. Do not settle for anything less in your life. It is time to move on and find someone better for yourself. If you do not respect yourself then who will? You should not be a doorprize in any relationship.I wish you luck.

[mjk]

I agree with bryanp in that it looks obvious that she is playing both ends against the middle. It happened to me and I felt that in my case anyway, she was keeping contact with me out of guilt.

 

Everything applies here: No contact unless she calls you, when you do talk keep it brief and fun, AND NO SEX! That will ruin your heart, and try to move on. If you are meant to be together, and find forgiveness, it will just happen.

 

Don't let your @ss get kicked because you are only punishing youself by checking up on her etc. Believe me I've recently been there and done that! It hurts like hell! Why hurt anymore, don't check up on her. You couldn't change anything anyway so why bother?

 

Hang in there and do things that make YOU happy, not her!

[jmargel]

If you convaded your feelings to her about the issue and she has yet to change her ways then she is not only disrespecting the relationship between you two, but you as an individual. She knows his intentions yet she still goes out with him. Are you being honest in that everything in your relationship prior to this was good? Just don't say things to make yourself look like the good guy. BE HONEST!

 

Anyway what you should do is this: Tell her that you have told her your feelings about this whole issue, and give her the chance to stop seeing this guy. If not, tell her you are going out with some 'female' friends, and for your benefit do it! Women can give an honest unbiased answer / reasons to why she is doing these things. A guy's natural reaction to this situation is to dump her, etc.. And woman might be able to give you an insight of more depth than we can.

 

I know it hurts, and its possibilty something you didn't deserve. Though it is highly unlikely that someone who is in a caring, good, loving, fun relationship will look elsewhere.

 

One more thing.. Don't tell her you love her & want her back, that'll just scare her away. Make her realize she is losing you for good with her behavior. Right now her mindset might be 'Oh if guy A doesnt work out, my bf will still be here as a safety net'. If you let it happen once, she'll do it again to you.

 

IMO there should be NO head games in a relationship. My other post stated 4 things to me that are critical in a successful relationship. Communication, Listening, Trust & Forgiveness.. How many of those four do you two have with each other?

[mj931]

I'd just like to thank you guys for your input. Quite honestly, I've always felt that our relationship has always been strong. We enjoy the same things together and are very affectionate to each other. To answer the question, we've always tried to communicate as much as possible which includes listening to each other, we've always trusted each other, and we've never had any real major issues in the relationship so I've yet to have to deal much with the forgiveness part. I guess time will tell.....

 

Thanks again.

[mj931]

Does anybody think that it would do me any good to approach this guy straight up to get to the bottom of it?

 

Thanks.

[mjk]

No, I wouldn't talk to him at all. What is there to gain but pain. You might even get ugly w/him.

 

Re-read the posts. No Contact is No contact. more than one of us has recommended that.

 

You should do it.