Posting here instead of breaking No Contact

[paddington bear]

Ok, I'm venting really to stop myself doing something stupid. Male friend who friendzoned me, and who I had fallen hard for and who I ultimately had a very, nasty, bad friendship breakup with. Not very nice things were said on both sides, followed by me saying 'goodbye forever' and sticking to NC.

 

I keep thinking of a line in the BBC version of Pride and Predudice where Lizzy says something like 'I couldn't bear to think of you out there somewhere thinking badly of me'. And that's it. I can't bear the thought that this person now maybe hates me, that he thinks badly of me and that he's just gone from my life forever on such a horrible note. I feel like he's died. One minute he was an integral feature of my day to day life, next minute, gone, forever and I'm still in mourning.

 

I'm sitting here thinking that I just want to hear the sound of his voice, that I want him back in my life, that I want to speak to him, laugh with him and am thinking, could I send him a text message at Christmas, in the spirit of forgiveness to say hi and that I was thinking of him, and then thinking 'no, no, no! Do not open that can of worms, no good can come of it'.

 

But the desire to break the NC is there. A very, very, very strong desire. I can logically look at the situation and see the reality of it, he no longer wants to be friends, have me in his life, doesn't be my boyfriend, I did try to mend fences, but he made the choice not to accept the olive branch, so I've already done my best and have my answer.

 

It just feels horrible not to get what you want: the person you love to love you back and to then lose them so abruptly and forever. And it feels horrible that you have no control over that person, that you can't make them contact you no matter how much you will it, or hope and pray. Horrible to know that I can not change anything, can't make him love me, can't change a dman thing.

 

And I want to speak to him so badly. This totally sucks, it really does. I want this guy out of my head, but I guess that's not going to happen until I meet and fall for someone else, which hasn't happened either, so I'm stuck with dreaming about him, thinking about him, replaying possible conversations in my head, all of which is not helping me get over him at all.

 

Ok...hope posting here will prevent me from itchy fingers sending a little text and then plummeting down to the depths when there is no reply, or a nasty reply, or a positive reply which will just lead to more heartache because he still won't want me as more than a friend...as I said this just is horrible, horrible, horrible.

[DollyMix]

I really feel for you this a sucky situation but hold strong! if it gets really bad turn your phone off and take the sim out especially before you go to bed I think thats the worst time

[paddington bear]

thanks...yeah, good advice. I've been doing so well, don't know what happened recently, keep dreaming about him, I think that's what's prompted this.

[WTRanger]

I know exactly how you feel. It's not the fact that these people may not have the same feelings we do for them that makes them bad people. It is the lies, the ignorning of the issue, the running away to save their own asses, the deciet, and general BS that makes them horrible people.

 

It all seems as if everything can be fixed with a 10 minute phone call, but that cannot happen. The fact is, you have to have a breakup with yourself because that's who you've fallen for. You've fallen for the image of him in your mind, and not in real life. Because the real life version of him is a pile of sh*t. But the disconnect between your heart and your eyes leads you to believe this fairy-tale image of that person. Since the deeper relationship only ever existed in your mind, that is what you must break up with. By yourself, in silence. Wondering the whole time, "What went wrong?"

 

It sucks fat, dirty, donkey balls indeed.

[paddington bear]

It sucks fat, dirty, donkey balls indeed.

 

lol well that made me laugh at least.

 

What 'sucks, fat, dirty, donkey balls' - is that I know all the stuff you just wrote and am still feeling this way. This is what's driving me crazy, logical brain has rationalised everything, stupid emotions are doing their own thing and ignoring what my brain is telling them about the reality of the situation. I did get to a point of hating him...but that didn't last too long unfortunately. I can't seem to hate him for a sustained period of time. I just miss him - just miss the actual person, the conversations, the fun, the sharing of stuff blah blah - but too late for all that, too much water under the bridge. At least I have the satisfaction that I pulled him up in detail (to quote you) on "the lies, the ignoring of the issue, the running away to save their own asses, the deciet, and general BS"

 

Still sucks fat, dirty, donkey balls though. Guess in the back of your mind you think NC will make this person miss you, make them realise how important you were to them...and when that doesn't happen it makes the whole previous relationship basically a big, fat, meaningless lie and complete waste of time.

[WTRanger]

As I mentioned, I know exactly what you feel. I'm going through this right now. I thought we were much closer than we were. Yes, I miss her. But I'm starting to think the girl I miss just doesn't exist anymore, or perhaps was just a figment of my imagination. Truth be told, I spent a lot of mental energy on her that I've lost all touch of what really exists between us.

 

She started to pull away around August, then around mid September all contact ceased. No explanation, no leave me alone, no nothing. All I got was that she was under stress and she's bad at staying in touch, so I shouldn't worry. After that, the line was severed. Of course, as someone I cared a lot about, I went seeking why she's gone from the most reliable person to zero. Not every day and not more than once a week. But I was worried I was losing her and I didn't understand why. All I wanted was for her to talk to me. And of course I was greeted by silence on all fronts. No matter what I did, silence. A few weeks later she reactivates her Facebook page and lo and behold since I was an existing friend before she got rid of it over a year back, the first update I see is that she is now in a relationship. Which explains in so many words why she pulled away. I immediately deleted her as a friend and stopped trying to contact her. 60 days pass until this week when I thought maybe since time has passed. I sent her a simple message saying that does it really have to be like this? Can she simply not talk to me that she's dating someone? As per usual, no response.

 

It has gone from suck to blow. In fact I'm even a little hurt that I'm not even that guy she talks to about her bf problems. I've been completely cut out of her life with no direct reason. All it was were lies and smoke and mirrors. It is an everyday struggle not to think about her and what went wrong. Was it me? Was it something I said? Is this really how this is going to end? Can I really solve this equation by myself? But then I start to realize that nothing I could have done would have changed everything. And do I really want this girl, who she is TODAY, in my life? Why would I want someone who lies the entire time she started dating someone and when she couldn't keep the lie alive anymore she just ignored me. God forbid she could be honest. She probably used the guise of "not wanting to hurt my feelings" yet she was just protecting herself. What she did hurt me 10,000 times more than her just being honest with me.

 

I hate this. What is being shown today is in direct conflict with the person I once knew. So who is the real one? Where is reality? Why? This case feels as if I am a parent whose child was kidnapped. They never found the child, never found a body, nothing. No answers. For all I know my child is living next to me right now as a healthy adult. But I will never get any real answers. Sure, I can have a "funeral" but will I always hold onto hope? At what point does hope drive me insane? Am I already insane for trying to believe my heart that this girl really isn't like this?

 

So yeah, my heart goes out to you.

Edited December 20, 2009 by WTRanger

[paddington bear]

Oh God. Well we are in the same boat. Basically I think we both got strung along until the other found someone better. In your case she met someone else = no need for you her substitute boyfriend. In my case his ex came back on the scene = no need for me. He seemed to think I'd be fine with suddenly seeing him rarely, not talking as we used to and on top of that having her being jealous and acting like a bitch towards me. Things changed so suddenly and so radically that I couldn't adjust. Worst thing was I tried to show that I was no threat to her (I knew he didn't want me as a girlfriend) and if she hadn't been such a c**t, we could have perhaps been friends...but no, the jealousy was there and faced with the choice of her or me, he did what she wanted and started to behave nastily towards me.

 

Being honest, would you really want her still in your life to dump her relationship problems on you, or to share how happy she is with her new man just to be able to keep in touch, keep her in your life somehow? Hearing about this 'more important' person in her life?

 

I didn't suddenly want this third person in our relationship, it changed everything. I guess it wouldn't be so bad if he'd met some knock-out wonderful person, as I'd think 'well, of course he'd go for her and not me, she's fantastic', but to get sucked back into a dysfunctional, messed up relationship with a nasty, manipulator is a double-whammy. He preferred to be treated like a piece of crap and to lose me, than to be treated with kindness and respect. I find that hard to deal with.

 

I too have gone over and over the should have's and what if I'd done this and that. It's a killer..and all too late. I try to think 'well I've learned something and next time I won't make the same mistakes', but that's no good when the next time hasn't come yet and I'm left with all these swirling emotions.

 

And yeah, agreed, who are we mourning? I am mourning the loss of the person I knew for nearly two years, but I'm forgetting about the change of personality side of him when the ex came back. I've lost respect for this person, he was mean to me suddenly..I'm not mourning the loss of that a**hole and yet my mind only harps back to who he was before her.

 

You and me were both used...and allowed ourselves to be used, as substitutes until someone better came along. Keeping in touch, keeping the relationship going is never going to happen because it was never a 'friendship' to begin with, the other person knows this (never admitted it though) and therefore you get dropped when you are of no further use to them. I too cannot believe that someone who I was so close to and trusted 100% could change so abruptly and turn against me and just stand by and watch me walk out of his life...easier for him though, he has someone else, a distraction.

 

He doesn't feel the loss of me as he neatly hopped from me straight to someone else, no room to miss me, there is an instant replacement. Just like this girl of yours - that's why she seems so cold, she doesn't miss you because you've been replaced. If she had stopped contact for some other reason, guaranteed she'd have been in touch by now because she would have missed you, she can't miss you when there is someone else there giving her everything you did while you knew her.

 

We are both better off without...but I'm wondering when I'm going to get over this, it's going on for months now, the heartbreak, sense of betrayal, missing of the person, conflicted emotions 'I hate him but I still care about him'.

[WTRanger]

It is amazing how simple everything looks when it is written down, yet so complicated in our minds. Why do we still feel to continue to fight? I know I need to just accept her for who she is right now and not who she may have been in the past.

[Flying Goose]

Oh dear.

 

My only understanding of this is that people in general are immature children for much of their lives. The physical clock ticks, but the mind barely progresses. Running and hiding from conflict, or (in these cases) reality is easy - it's the action of the 6 year old who hides in a cupboard because he broke the expensive vase. Nothing good comes from running - the past does not ever truly disappear, it just fades only to return with the full vigour of guilt, regret and self-doubt, but at that point no-one can help any more - it is just one person wrestling with their emotions.

 

That is the fate your respective interests will suffer, at the age they develop enough social intelligence to deal with their emotions. There is nothing that can be done to make a child grow old any faster than nature allows. For many unfortunately, this wisdom of age is only achieved in their twilight years, when all is said and done. For most therefore it is not worth waiting for their stupidity to fizzle into sensibility.

 

If those ideas are true, then the answer is simple - one should avoid having high expectations of children - they cannot help their ignorance. The emotionally immature are temperamental partners anyway. Even if you both dated these said people, it would all almost invariably end in chaos and despair. These people too unwise to understand how to treat human beings beyond those they have a selfish interest in will invariably extend their lack of wisdom to you - given enough time. The ex-girlfriend was an ex because of such chaos and the future tends only to repeat itself just as a recurring dream with no direction or progression.

 

For those worried, I suggest you look in the mirror and smile; you have what the teeming millions of fools lack - perspective. Hard-earned through emotionally difficult situations, but earned nonetheless. Cherish it.

 

(Felt bored, whimsical and preachy - hope it's helpful).

[Peaceful Guy]

Ok, I'm venting really to stop myself doing something stupid. Male friend who friendzoned me, and who I had fallen hard for and who I ultimately had a very, nasty, bad friendship breakup with. Not very nice things were said on both sides, followed by me saying 'goodbye forever' and sticking to NC.

 

I keep thinking of a line in the BBC version of Pride and Predudice where Lizzy says something like 'I couldn't bear to think of you out there somewhere thinking badly of me'. And that's it. I can't bear the thought that this person now maybe hates me, that he thinks badly of me and that he's just gone from my life forever on such a horrible note. I feel like he's died. One minute he was an integral feature of my day to day life, next minute, gone, forever and I'm still in mourning.

 

I'm sitting here thinking that I just want to hear the sound of his voice, that I want him back in my life, that I want to speak to him, laugh with him and am thinking, could I send him a text message at Christmas, in the spirit of forgiveness to say hi and that I was thinking of him, and then thinking 'no, no, no! Do not open that can of worms, no good can come of it'.

 

But the desire to break the NC is there. A very, very, very strong desire. I can logically look at the situation and see the reality of it, he no longer wants to be friends, have me in his life, doesn't be my boyfriend, I did try to mend fences, but he made the choice not to accept the olive branch, so I've already done my best and have my answer.

 

It just feels horrible not to get what you want: the person you love to love you back and to then lose them so abruptly and forever. And it feels horrible that you have no control over that person, that you can't make them contact you no matter how much you will it, or hope and pray. Horrible to know that I can not change anything, can't make him love me, can't change a dman thing.

 

And I want to speak to him so badly. This totally sucks, it really does. I want this guy out of my head, but I guess that's not going to happen until I meet and fall for someone else, which hasn't happened either, so I'm stuck with dreaming about him, thinking about him, replaying possible conversations in my head, all of which is not helping me get over him at all.

 

Ok...hope posting here will prevent me from itchy fingers sending a little text and then plummeting down to the depths when there is no reply, or a nasty reply, or a positive reply which will just lead to more heartache because he still won't want me as more than a friend...as I said this just is horrible, horrible, horrible.

 

i hear ya dude! i had a similar thing but with just a friend.. god, **** got crazy! i ended up apologizing.. even if i was right to tell him to **** off.. i said sorry, i said.. i could have been more mature about that.. as in, my feelings were valid, but i could have been cooler. that was enough! issue closed! he didn't apologize, not really ever as far as i can remember.. one time on e, but it was too vague.. and i don't think he was apologizing for his behavior, but for who he was, which of course is the opposite of what i wanted. i don't know if this will help.. but i can really relate, maybe that's enough. good luck with this, for real!

[Peaceful Guy]

in case that made no sense at all, i was talking about "no contact".. which to me, seemed like the thing to do but did not work.. i think its sort of like.. hmmm.. not sure if this is fair, but.. no smoking.. no drinking.. no rolling.. never.. as an adult you have to learn to moderate with maturity.. you can't let things control your life.. for better or worse if that makes sense.. as in, if you have unresolved feelings, resolve them.. it doesn't mean falling back into old patterns.. in fact, it means ridding yourself of them entirely. you can't live in fear of your decisions.. you'll never grow as a person..

 

if you want to talk to him, talk to him. if your afraid of getting back into an unhealthy sexual relationship, then don't. your not weak. your not unable. go for it.

 

also, if this guy's a jerk, he's a jerk. that's his choice. you can still choose who you want to be!

[Peaceful Guy]

It is amazing how simple everything looks when it is written down, yet so complicated in our minds. Why do we still feel to continue to fight? I know I need to just accept her for who she is right now and not who she may have been in the past.

 

wtranger, your being too hard on yourself. instead of cramming new ideas in, you need to release the old ones. its forgiveness.. and its not "accepting" how crappy everything is. that's wrong, and it will cause you to "punish" genuinely happy people that you meet in the future. while i do sympathize, the friend that i was just talking about did that.. because i wouldn't accept that everything just sucked, and that's how it was.

[paddington bear]

Just to update, Flying Goose...was a bit confused by your post...but on second reading you are right, things would have no doubt ended in chaos and much as the other party might be child-like, so was I in that I didn't take the bull by the horns from the offset and I too avoided the issue and hid in the cupboard - in my case breaking the vase was admitting I liked him as more than a friend, that was not allowed, something bad, so was hidden, and I continued to do so until eventually one cannot avoid the issue any more and the whole relationship implodes from pure frustration at the fact that it has stagnated.

 

Even if this guy hadn't got back with his ex, it would have imploded anyway, because it was going nowhere, a mutually co-dependent relationship with both parties playing at being friends, one knowing full-well that I liked him as more than a friend and selfishly requesting that I go along with being friends and me stupidly agreeing to that, thinking I could handle it, when I couldn't.

 

I have learned a lesson, never ever ever again will I be close, intimate friends with a member of the opposite sex who I have developed feelings for, it only, inevitably ends in tears.

 

And Peaceful guy - I have struggled since the beginning with the NC, worried that I was doing the wrong thing, worried I was hurting this person...but...he didn't care about hurting me - I have to keep reminding myself of this and actually, I'm glad I haven't called, yeah it would scratch an itch, but would ultimately open the wound again.

 

In the last couple of days I'm thinking more rationally, not just the rose-tinted glasses version, they are now tempered with all the times when I felt like a nothing, like the ugliest, useless, unattractive piece of crap, because he talked about other women he wanted to date or whatever. That part of our friendship was horrible for me. So, I'm glad I didn't break NC, would just prolong the agony and will not aid me get over him and will not mend the relationship.

 

There's only so long your imagination and thoughts can sustain the remnants of a once friendship/relationship when there is no interaction at all whatsoever, and one day my mind will hopefully get bored pining over this person that I will not have seen or heard of in months and my thoughts will move on to pastures new. I'm hoping I will get to the point of being glad that this person is gone from my life, while retaining some good memories without bitterness...ideally...or alternatively to simply no longer care at all either way and forget about him forever.

[Jordanjames]

I think it is good that the OP is venting on loveshack.org instead of calling this guy. The OP is doing a good job of questioning what would the benefit be of talking to this person. I doubt much would change it will be hard but the OP seems to be doing a very good job of moving on.

[Jordanjames]

I have been in a similar situation with the OP. I went out with a guy last year I knew him for a long time but the romantic relationship did not work out. The relationship and then the friendship turned toxic. The ex he wanted me to return to being `just friend`` but I don`t think he wanted me in his life for the right reasons. I also realized we were both bull****ting each other we were never ``just friends`` and to play this game was damaging my self esteem. He wanted me around to boost his ego to feed his low self esteem. I soon realized that if I truly wanted to get over this man then no contact is the way to go. We both have kept the no contact since late October and although it is hard this is for the best.

Edited December 27, 2009 by Jordanjames