Leaving me made all her dreams come true.

[tojaz]

Merry Christmas to me.:( Whats under the tree? An emotional beatdown.

 

Seems that her leaving was the best thing for her, but my own stupid ego wouldn't let me believe it. 9 months away from me and now shes traveling, took up photography, invited to confrences all over the country! Started her own publishing boutique, finishing her writing and offering it to the world, amongst a myriad of other projects. All her dreams for as long as I can remember. All things I hoped I would be able to share with her. Everything I had ever wanted for her, wished for her. What did it take to achieve it? Kicking ole Tojaz to the curb!

 

Despite my best efforts to be as supportive as I could of everything shes ever tried. In fact I guess I really was holding her back like she said. I never wanted to believe that, but today i have proof plain as day.

 

Worst part is, I'm happy for her. I'm proud of her. It kills me to say that its worth this pain, which starts anew with this knowledge, to see her have her dreams granted to her.

 

Strange thing is, most of the people in my life have been trying to convince me that she's hinting she wants back. Almost to the point of wanting to see her. How could i now knowing how much better off she is without me. Most of the stories on LS don't go this way, but in my case. It looks like walking away was the best thing she could have ever done and i was just a fool in love standing in her way.

TOJAZ

Edited December 21, 2009 by tojaz

[soheartbroken]

Since you have no kids together, I'm curious as to how you are finding out all this information?

 

But anyway, I'm sorry that you have to live with this knowledge. My ex left once she accomplished everything that she wanted, so I sort of understand where you're coming from.

 

Perhaps she will look back one day and realize that she has everything she ever wanted except that one special person to share it with. You.

Edited December 21, 2009 by soheartbroken

[Ronni_W]

Hey tojaz.

Sorry you're going through it. Happens like that sometimes, though.

 

It's not just that YOU held her back...it would also be about her own image of what/how she "should have been" as your partner. Kind of that her own crap (false beliefs and inaccurate perceptions of what YOU wanted/needed/expected her to be) held her back as much as, if not more than, anything that you may have contributed.

 

It's also that SHE was unsuccessful in communicating to you what type of support she wanted/needed from you, and how she needed/wanted it delivered. And maybe your contribution was that you forgot to ask about that, and just worked from your own guesses and assumptions.

 

Strange thing is, most of the people in my life have been trying to convince me that she's hinting she wants back.

Have a convo with her *IF* you feel that it could help YOU with something. Possibly talk about any lack of clear, honest, direct communications in the past, which may have contributed to the relationship breakdown. Ask her what she's learned about herself in recent months. Ask if it is that the way you gave your love was not the way she needs to be loved.

 

Tell her what you've learned about you. How do YOU need to be supported and acknowledged? What makes YOU feel loved? What words and actions open up YOUR heart to be able to give and receive love?

 

Crap like that. It *MIGHT* be worth a "coffee and a convo"?

[Ariadne]

Despite my best efforts to be as supportive as I could of everything shes ever tried. In fact I guess I really was holding her back like she said. I never wanted to believe that, but today i have proof plain as day..

 

Ough... sorry about that Trojaz.

 

But it's not true that you were holding her back.

 

She probably didn't care to do those things when she was with you because she had better things to do.

 

Now that she is alone, she decided to do that stuff.

 

And those are things that make people a little bit happy, but not really happy.

 

Hugs.

[tryagaintoday]

Perhaps she will look back one day and realize that she has everything she ever wanted except that one special person to share it with. You.

 

 

for my case, i sure as hell wouldn't want to share her horny bastard....

[Gunny376]

I'm calling it for what it is!

 

BS!

 

She's got more time on her hands, she's not got you. She's improvsing and adapting the same as you.

 

She's trying to adapt and overcome the same as you are ~ she's just trying to do it in her own way.

 

RULE ONE~ "You did the best you knew to do, you gave the best you had at the time!"

 

Bro your going to be me in about 34 years from now! If I had known then what I know now? I wouldn't be me!

 

I wasn't the best father and husband? But I'm far from having been the worse!

 

I gave it my all and did my best at the time?

 

Quit beating yourself up!

[Simon Attwood]

Merry Christmas to me.:( Whats under the tree? An emotional beatdown.

 

Seems that her leaving was the best thing for her, but my own stupid ego wouldn't let me believe it. 9 months away from me and now shes traveling, took up photography, invited to confrences all over the country! Started her own publishing boutique, finishing her writing and offering it to the world, amongst a myriad of other projects. All her dreams for as long as I can remember. All things I hoped I would be able to share with her. Everything I had ever wanted for her, wished for her. What did it take to achieve it? Kicking ole Tojaz to the curb!

 

Despite my best efforts to be as supportive as I could of everything shes ever tried. In fact I guess I really was holding her back like she said. I never wanted to believe that, but today i have proof plain as day.

 

Worst part is, I'm happy for her. I'm proud of her. It kills me to say that its worth this pain, which starts anew with this knowledge, to see her have her dreams granted to her.

 

Strange thing is, most of the people in my life have been trying to convince me that she's hinting she wants back. Almost to the point of wanting to see her. How could i now knowing how much better off she is without me. Most of the stories on LS don't go this way, but in my case. It looks like walking away was the best thing she could have ever done and i was just a fool in love standing in her way.

TOJAZ

 

 

This is an interesting one

 

First of all, try not to take it too personally, it might not have been you holding her back at all even though that might be how it appears on the surface.

 

Consider this;

 

She had her dreams but she was also afraid of trying for them because she was afraid of failing.

 

To face that fear honestly can threaten psychic destruction for some people so she needed something else to blame for her procrastination.

 

Who would the most convenient target be for this projection? Who would be easier to blame? You, or herself? Why you of course!

 

Breaking from you meant that she had to face her fears, and gave her motive because she no longer had the excuse.

 

Now that she has found her truth and faced her fears, she probably realised that it was not you, but her self, her fears, that were holding her back.

 

And she now realises that something is still missing, and it was something she had, and she may now want it back.

 

perspective is deeply subjective.

 

[Cranialrupture]

I agree gunny!!

 

And who's to say you didn't help build the footings for all that she's done now. There's a good possibility that she probably gained a ton from you and used that to do what she's doing now.

 

You did not hold her back!!! Ten minutes in time-out for thinking so.

 

Please don't focus on her, comparing lives and doing the grass is greener on the other side is not good for ya. Count your many blessings instead of counting all the things you don't.

[2.50 a gallon]

TOJAZ

 

It is not as good as you think it is.

 

I was 19 years old when I won my first race as a rookie. It would have been great if I could have told my dad. I was underage, and had phony consent papers. My dad loved racing, even did some stunt driving, until they found out he was underage. WW2 came along and the local tracks shut down. Then my mother came along and that ended his dreams of racing. We used to go to the local races until a couple of spectaters were killed a couple of rows behind us. Mom put her foot down. Racing was still in his heart and at that time they were occassionaly showing the local races on TV, so he knew the names of the local talent. What I would have given to have been able to tell him, much less to have had him there the night that I beat them all. Without my dad there to share it with the victory was empty.

 

In a way I have walked in your wifes shoes. Six months after my XW and I break up I discover historcial research. For the next two years I bust my a$$ and put in as many as 4 hours a night reading microfilms at a university library, after an 8 hour shift. And each weekend I tried to get in at least a 10 hour shift. Two years later it pays off with my first publication. A couple of years later, I got my first invite to an all expenses paid convention where I have to give a clinic. I was like you and had a dirty finger nail job, and only 4 years previous did not even have a library card, and yet sitting in the audience listening to me are the experts and writers, some with PHD's. I had found stuff that they had been looking for over 50 years, and had given up on ever finding. A day of triumph, to be accepted by them, to be taken out for dinner and drinks, and then to go to bed alone. Without somebody special to share it with it was another empty victory.

 

All is not as it appears, yes it appears that she is successful, but there is an emptiness in her life when she doesn't have anybody special to share it with

Edited December 21, 2009 by 2.50 a gallon

[2.50 a gallon]

Double post

Edited December 21, 2009 by 2.50 a gallon
double post

[tojaz]

Since you have no kids together, I'm curious as to how you are finding out all this information?

But anyway, I'm sorry that you have to live with this knowledge. My ex left once she accomplished everything that she wanted, so I sort of understand where you're coming from.

 

Perhaps she will look back one day and realize that she has everything she ever wanted except that one special person to share it with. You.

 

As of late there has been more contact. She has sent Personal Christmas cards to my family and to me, and there have been several E-mails between us recently, some downright pleasant and a couple where my last name had reappeared on the account! The last Email was pretty much to brag some of her travels and accomplishments in our time apart. The other half is that I have never bothered to remove myself from her work twitter since she left. Had always read it before to stay abreast of her work, before we split. Need to cancel that.

TOJAZ

[Simon Attwood]

The last Email was pretty much to brag some of her travels and accomplishments in our time apart.

 

or was it?

 

or perhaps "this is what i've been doing, but deep down i wish you had been there too, so if you come back to me then you might become part of it again."

 

don't count out all possibilities

 

 

The other half is that I have never bothered to remove myself from her work twitter since she left. Had always read it before to stay abreast of her work, before we split. Need to cancel that.

TOJAZ

 

Why?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Her dreams are coming true, eh? You know what that means? It means that it is time for yours to come true as well. Just hang in there. Things will come together with time, and it may take a while but one morning you may well wake up and a bulb will light up over your head and the rest of your life will come rushing at you with a wonderful speed. You will pull through. You just have to believe that, or at least pretend as hard as you can to believe it until the day comes when you know you are on your way.

[floridapad]

Tojaz,

 

Please don't do this to yourself. It sucks to see someone living their life that you wanted to share with them, but it has absolutely NOTHING to do with you having held her back. You know that is BS. What makes it worse though is perhaps you feel you are not living YOUR life to the fullest because you still have not let go of her. She knows this, she sees this, or at least she hears it through the grapevine perhaps.

 

Please also don't let other people convince you that she is hinting at coming back. You know the drill. Her actions towards you are the only thing you can judge, not someone elses opinions. Stay strong in this and try to avoid R talk with anyone and everyone. It's just not healthy IMHO and it gets back to her and doesn't allow you to move on.. When are you going to reach the path of indifference or have you reached it?

 

Lastly, her getting out and doing some of these things actually is a good thing. It brings happiness inside of her for herself but she WILL be lonely. It's true that things are not all as they seem with her new found happiness but it is good never the less.

[silic0ntoad]

Hey man I know what your are feeling, but the shoe is on the opposite foot for me. She left me, but now I have rediscovered my singing voice and I sing for a local rock band. On top of that, I am alot deeper into painting then ever before, and my pieces are starting to sell. I am always busy - after an 8 hour shift I go play with my band, paint or go to a gallery to show my work.... It's exhausting, fulfilling....and lonely. I may be happy, but honestly, it's phyrric.

[LisaUk]

Tojaz,

 

You did not hold her back. She held herself back, she has to take responsibility for not expressing herself. That is her issue and one that it appears she still has not addressed! So, she hasn't learnt anything about herself, she hasn't improved herself, she's still doing what she has always done and she will continue to make the same mistakes. Has she achieved anything?

 

She may have done all these things, but that's probably b/c she has kept herself busy and now that she has done them, what now? She will feel the lonliness oneday, she has no one to share her personal acomplishments with, one day she will wake up and think "is that really how I spent my life?", after all, what is more precious than love?

 

I have to say either your xw is extremely self centred and insensitive to keep sending you these mails or she's vindictive, which is it?

 

Now is the time for you to step away from her and focus on you and on what you want from the rest of your life. What will bring you happiness? I worry that you are waiting on her, DON'T, she doesn't deserve it and nothing has changed, SHE has not changed, she is still acting selfish and is still completely unable to express herself or accept her short comings which led to the demise of your marriage. In other words, she is still not willing to see her part in the breakdwon of your marriage, she's had 9 months!

 

She's buried herself in her own personal goals, rather than look within herself to see how she contributed to making herself a divorcee! She is a walk away, most people actually still beleive that marriage is for life, that it requires work and commitment like anything worth achieving, divorce is considered by some a failure a terrible thing to do, a last resort if all else fails. You xw WALKED! And, yet, she is still content to consume her own personal desires over and above something so precious that most people are lucky if they get to expereince it once in their lifetime.

 

You deserve better than this, it is time Tojaz for you to start living your life for you, to get out there and see that there is so much more than her. I strongly advise you go NC, completely and finally. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, I know it's hard and I know you are trying. The women is slowly breaking you, ENOUGH.

[soheartbroken]

Tojaz,

 

I strongly advise you go NC, completely and finally. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, I know it's hard and I know you are trying. The women is slowly breaking you, ENOUGH.

 

I tend to agree with this. Though I can see how being fed hope for reconciliation is keeping you from doing so.

[karnak]

It looks like walking away was the best thing she could have ever done and i was just a fool in love standing in her way.

TOJAZ

 

You may be wrong. I also was once on your shoes.

 

My ex left me and, suddenly, it seemed that she was getting everything she always wanted in life. A new job, a new independence, new self-esteem, bla bla bla

 

My life, on the contrary, was getting from bad to worst. Illness, car accidents, unemployment, etc. If it was bad, I was getting it.

 

Time passed... until, only very recently, I dicovered that she made a huge mess out of her new job. That she became seriously depressed. Got involved with very bad people and made dreadful mistakes with her life.

 

And I had spent 4 years thinking that she was living the "life of lives".

 

Give it time, Tojaz. You'll probably be surprised.

[MrMayI]

damn t, you weren't kidding! right here at the holidays it has to be crushing. i know you sacrificed and and everything for her to make these pursuits BEFORE she walked away. leaving you didn't make her dreams come true. it made it so she started consuming herself with something to block out what she was thinking/feeling. as has been said in this thread, and much like my ex, she is doing nothing to better herself emotionally or otherwise. the day will come when she looks at any accomplishments and wishes she had someone to share them with. someone who put it all on the line, risked their health and their sanity to get her to stay. someone who never gave up through it all. she's going to wish for you. much like me with mine, you don't need to be there. they've done all the damage we should sanely allow them to do.

[Simon Attwood]

Tojaz,

 

You did not hold her back. She held herself back, she has to take responsibility for not expressing herself. That is her issue and one that it appears she still has not addressed! So, she hasn't learnt anything about herself, she hasn't improved herself, she's still doing what she has always done and she will continue to make the same mistakes. Has she achieved anything?

 

She may have done all these things, but that's probably b/c she has kept herself busy and now that she has done them, what now? She will feel the lonliness oneday, she has no one to share her personal acomplishments with, one day she will wake up and think "is that really how I spent my life?", after all, what is more precious than love?

 

I have to say either your xw is extremely self centred and insensitive to keep sending you these mails or she's vindictive, which is it?

 

Now is the time for you to step away from her and focus on you and on what you want from the rest of your life. What will bring you happiness? I worry that you are waiting on her, DON'T, she doesn't deserve it and nothing has changed, SHE has not changed, she is still acting selfish and is still completely unable to express herself or accept her short comings which led to the demise of your marriage. In other words, she is still not willing to see her part in the breakdwon of your marriage, she's had 9 months!

 

She's buried herself in her own personal goals, rather than look within herself to see how she contributed to making herself a divorcee! She is a walk away, most people actually still beleive that marriage is for life, that it requires work and commitment like anything worth achieving, divorce is considered by some a failure a terrible thing to do, a last resort if all else fails. You xw WALKED! And, yet, she is still content to consume her own personal desires over and above something so precious that most people are lucky if they get to expereince it once in their lifetime.

 

You deserve better than this, it is time Tojaz for you to start living your life for you, to get out there and see that there is so much more than her. I strongly advise you go NC, completely and finally. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, I know it's hard and I know you are trying. The women is slowly breaking you, ENOUGH.

 

 

Ouch, Lisa!! enough with the projections, already.

 

The reason dating is so hard is because almost everyone you meet is full of fear, fear of being hurt, fear of being rejected or abandoned.

 

It's the same reason most relationships deteriorate in to conflict.

 

Often if we fear something, we feel that everyone else should fear the same thing (it's our phylogenetic nature doing that)

 

The reason getting back together is so hard is that the experience of hurt and rejection is often an open wound. We fear exposing ourselves to further hurt and pain. Also, often the dumper has difficulty admitting that fear, whether rational or irrational, whether conscious or unconscious, played a part in the initial dumping.

 

The reason that getting back in to dating is so hard for the dumpee is that they still carry their open wound, they still feel they need to protect what is vulnerable.

 

That vulnerability is an illusion, it is left over from our primitive heritage. the hurt we experience, we create ourselves, it is the pain of the illusion being slapped by reality.

 

We can either be a slave to our fears, or we can rise above them and say "nothing can hurt me emotionally unless I choose it, unless I let it hurt me"

 

then go out without fear and get what you want.

 

Because fear feeds off fear, one persons fear knows how to stimulate another person's fear, and this is why we are so good at knowing how to hurt one another in relationships. It isn't us, it's a primitive instinct left over from our ancestory, an instinct that still influences us, but only when we are unconscious of it.

 

Tojaz; make your own mind up, but before you do, make sure that your mind is not being influenced by fear.

[karnak]

 

We can either be a slave to our fears, or we can rise above them and say "nothing can hurt me emotionally unless I choose it, unless I let it hurt me"

 

then go out without fear and get what you want.

 

Because fear feeds off fear, one persons fear knows how to stimulate another person's fear, and this is why we are so good at knowing how to hurt one another in relationships. It isn't us, it's a primitive instinct left over from our ancestory, an instinct that still influences us, but only when we are unconscious of it.

 

Tojaz; make your own mind up, but before you do, make sure that your mind is not being influenced by fear.

 

Brilliantly written, Simon!

 

I can say from my personal experience that all the big mistakes I made in my life were due to the fact that I was then a slave to fear.

 

If, in those occasions, I had eliminated the fear from my soul, and had had confidence in myself, I wouldn't be in the situation I'm now.

 

Tojaz, if you think Simon's post is of any use in your life, then follow his lead. Because what he says is true.

[phineas]

Ya know Tojaz, If the roles were reversed you'd wind up paying her a portion of your newfound income.

 

Just sayin.

[Simon Attwood]

Ya know Tojaz, If the roles were reversed you'd wind up paying her a portion of your newfound income.

 

Just sayin.

 

 

a touch cynical

 

success isn't all about income

[happyrexmanningday]

Gee Karnak, I think you're walking around in my head. Only you articulate it better than I could ever express.

 

And Simon's post on fear is right-on target. I'm so guilty of this. I may be a long-time lurker but I'm still processing and learning. And Tojaz, I can relate to how you feel because I've been there, too.

[tojaz]

Ouch, Lisa!! enough with the projections, already.

Believe me Simon, shes not. If anyone here knows my story in its entirety its Lisa.

 

or perhaps "this is what i've been doing, but deep down i wish you had been there too, so if you come back to me then you might become part of it again."

 

don't count out all possibilities

I've tried to be open to all possibillites but thats whats kept me tied up in knots all this time. My mind kind of works like that, and I want to see things from all angles. So I remain open to that and have had many suggestions to move in that direction. I guess that has a lot to do with the fear you mentioned in your other post. Thats very true. There is a lot of fear on both sides. Fear that I may be missing an opportunity, but stronger fear that I will end up right back where i was months ago.

TOJAZ