Cafe Posted December 21, 2009 Share Posted December 21, 2009 I have a bit of a dilemma. I am an 18 yr old male fyi. I have fallen for my bestfriend of 14 years and everytime I leave to move on, she always finds a way to get back to me. I told msyelf that I needed to move on because it feels as though shes winning but I cant help it, I love her and the other girls dont rly seem to stand a chance to getting my heart. Im adored by a lot of women but I dont have the one I care msot about. Ugh, here goes... * Grade 9: I had a girlfriend and I find out later that my bestfriend liked me, however come enxt year, she meets this guy and they start dating afterwards. She says that she dated him because I let her, meaning that I didnt try to stop her. Come now, shes single because he cheated on her and gave her an std, Im guessing she must think all men are dogs, however, I beleive I redeem the name. (she was a virgin before him) I meet this nice jewish girl and i grow quite fond of her, with no thoguhts of my bestfriend in mind. But when dealing with a jewish girl, its very ahrd. her parents are strict and shes very limited so I decided to let it go because the risk wasnt't worth the reward in my eyes. I rather not change her from who she is, which to me, seemed to be the manly thing to do. Now, my bestfriend has always claimed that she liked me but we never got anywhere. 3 months after her break up, she gives me hope leading me to believe that we would start dating. She later realizes that she is not ready, which hurts me, so i decide to let ehr know that im walking out of her life becuz I love her so dearly and the friend option wouldnt work for me. 3 months later, she sees me and starts tellling me how she misses me and what not, so I obviously give in to this to give her another chance. She knows that I ahve a grudge against her, so she says "I do wanna date you but I cant be with someone who is mad at me, I think we should work on our firendship before dating". I agree to this but from what it looks like, i feel as tho she is keeping me around just becuz she doesnt want to see me with anyone else. Shes a girl with a lot of pride, almsot enough to lsoe someone over. She tells me im an amazing guy and shes lucky to have me in her life and she hopes that she is the right girl for me. But from what she shows, she doesnt contact me much, almost like shes in her own lil world. Im tired of chasing after her so i dont but Im not up for waiting forever for this girl. im missing out on good girls while waiting for her. I just wish she would open up and give us a chance. thats all I want Should I wait for this girl or has she lost her chance with me? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 21, 2009 Share Posted December 21, 2009 If she's not willing to have sexual intimacy with you before New Year's, forget her. You've known each other forever and she's no prude. Normally, I'd say 'date', but to me it's superfluous. You can build friendships while dating and, besides, you've been 'best friends' forever anyway. What is there to build? Sorry to say, but I think she's a flake. Blame it on being young. In any event, hope you get more agreeable advice and have dating success with someone. It's supposed to be fun Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cafe Posted December 21, 2009 Author Share Posted December 21, 2009 thank you very much for the advice but should I wait for her to contact me or should I be the man and ask her when shes available this week for a talk? I'm not afraid to walk away, thats the best thing about this. Life goes on Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 21, 2009 Share Posted December 21, 2009 In all instances you take the initiative. Think of it as practice for the future. Her feelings matter to you so it will not be easy to express what is healthy for you if you know that conflicts with her perspective. Remember, being young, this is supposed to be fun and exciting, not angst-filled. Save the angst for when you're older Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cafe Posted December 21, 2009 Author Share Posted December 21, 2009 Im not sure as to what to say to her? I dont want to sound like im leaving her with an ultimatum? I just want her to be real with me. Basically, if she isnt ready to be with me then I feel as though I have to leave because if she isnt ready now then she'll never be really. Love is something you feel, it shouldn't be thoguht about. Just do..., ugh iunno what to do:( Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cafe Posted December 21, 2009 Author Share Posted December 21, 2009 (edited) You know what Carhill, I think im just going to allow myself to be become distant from her, without looking back and if she decides that she misses me and tries to come back, im going to hit her with the choice right of the bat because Ive done the whole ask her when shes free and sit down talk and it doesnt get me anywhere. If I meet a nice girl along the way, I will give her the chance if my bestfriend doesnt pour her heart out to me and ask for us to be an item. i cant stop living my life because of one girl. That wouldnt be right, hopefully you agree with my decision. Edited December 21, 2009 by Cafe Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 21, 2009 Share Posted December 21, 2009 You know, I had a friend, someone I've loved dearly for many years, just go silent on me. I decided it was no longer healthy for me to pursue this relationship and let the silence become two-way. If you really want to do that to a friend, OK, that's your path. If she was just some girl you wanted to date, I'd say that easily, but I don't. Your point about stopping living life because of one girl is well-taken. Keep us posted on how things work out. Oh, forgot...welcome to LS Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cafe Posted December 21, 2009 Author Share Posted December 21, 2009 Understood but what do you suggest would be the best way to go about with this? and thx for the welcome. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 21, 2009 Share Posted December 21, 2009 Here, we use a process called 'no contact'. There's a guide in my signature line that will help you understand and use it to heal and move on. Set your boundary and only engage her if she is within it. If that means dating, she has to respond positively to that dynamic if she ever contacts you again. No date, no deal, no talking. If that's your boundary. You decide what it is. Silence is just that, silence. Nothing. The start has already begun since the last time you talked with her. Just continue. Don't respond to any contact unless it meets your boundary. If she wants to 'talk', 'Great, let's make a date for Friday'. No date, no talk. Etc, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
vj00 Posted December 21, 2009 Share Posted December 21, 2009 Just tell her that you love her a lot.. if you love someone said it freely, if he loves you he will be back.. otherwise he was not yours Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cafe Posted December 21, 2009 Author Share Posted December 21, 2009 Just tell her that you love her a lot.. if you love someone said it freely, if he loves you he will be back.. otherwise he was not yours I plan on staying distant for a while and the next time she contacts me im just gonna hit her with the ultimatum. Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted December 21, 2009 Share Posted December 21, 2009 I have a bit of a dilemma. I am an 18 yr old male fyi. I have fallen for my bestfriend of 14 years and everytime I leave to move on, she always finds a way to get back to me. I told msyelf that I needed to move on because it feels as though shes winning but I cant help it, I love her and the other girls dont rly seem to stand a chance to getting my heart. Im adored by a lot of women but I dont have the one I care msot about. Ugh, here goes... * Grade 9: I had a girlfriend and I find out later that my bestfriend liked me, however come enxt year, she meets this guy and they start dating afterwards. She says that she dated him because I let her, meaning that I didnt try to stop her. Come now, shes single because he cheated on her and gave her an std, Im guessing she must think all men are dogs, however, I beleive I redeem the name. (she was a virgin before him) I meet this nice jewish girl and i grow quite fond of her, with no thoguhts of my bestfriend in mind. But when dealing with a jewish girl, its very ahrd. her parents are strict and shes very limited so I decided to let it go because the risk wasnt't worth the reward in my eyes. I rather not change her from who she is, which to me, seemed to be the manly thing to do. Now, my bestfriend has always claimed that she liked me but we never got anywhere. 3 months after her break up, she gives me hope leading me to believe that we would start dating. She later realizes that she is not ready, which hurts me, so i decide to let ehr know that im walking out of her life becuz I love her so dearly and the friend option wouldnt work for me. 3 months later, she sees me and starts tellling me how she misses me and what not, so I obviously give in to this to give her another chance. She knows that I ahve a grudge against her, so she says "I do wanna date you but I cant be with someone who is mad at me, I think we should work on our firendship before dating". I agree to this but from what it looks like, i feel as tho she is keeping me around just becuz she doesnt want to see me with anyone else. Shes a girl with a lot of pride, almsot enough to lsoe someone over. She tells me im an amazing guy and shes lucky to have me in her life and she hopes that she is the right girl for me. But from what she shows, she doesnt contact me much, almost like shes in her own lil world. Im tired of chasing after her so i dont but Im not up for waiting forever for this girl. im missing out on good girls while waiting for her. I just wish she would open up and give us a chance. thats all I want Should I wait for this girl or has she lost her chance with me? Ugh. Read this thread. I JUST finished walking another dude through this same situation. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t210965/ Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts