wives of alcoholics: how do you do it?

[MariaD06]

i am 25 and my husband is 24 and we have two children (3 1/2 and almost 6 months old). we both drank (alot) before i got pregnant with our first son, but once i found out i was pregnant i stopped, but he kept going. there would be times where he didn't drink and then would start up again but it was usually when he would hang out with people (single friends with no kids). i used to say he was alcoholic but never really truly believed it. i always though he could stop if he really wanted to, just didn't cause he was young still. lately i've been realizing that he's not just being stupid and young he actually has a pretty hardcore dependancy on alcohol and i'm really powerless to him and his addiction. i KNOW the right thing to do is to take the kids and leave, he's not going to change unless he is ready and willing and who know's when that is. but that is way easier said than done. we own our own house and are actually doing quite well for our age and with kids. i work my a** off to keep this family and home running smoothly and i am worn out. i cannot afford this house on my own without him and its too small for me, the kids, plus a roommate and my parents live too far away for me to move in with them and keep my job. he has two duis and goes to outpatient weekly classes but gets nothing out of them. he really takes it all as a waste of time, as just something he has to do to appease the court. i tell him all the time that if he gets in trouble one more time that it really is over. he knows this. i refuse to have my kids wait for their daddy while he's in jail. i found an empty bottle in my husbands car tonight. i just cant handle the lies and deciet. my oldest ADORES his dad and admittedly my husband is a great father, even when he has been drinking, but i do not trust him around them when he has. i am always on edge and have really grown to resent him. i'm always looking for "clues" or "signs" that he's been drinking. i search his phone, bank statement, wallet, car, everything. i look for changes in his speech and demeanor because i've caught him so many times in sneak drinking and lying to me that i just end up always assuming he's drunk. i always angry and talk about him negatively. i have friends on facebook that will write wonderful things about their husbands praising them for something or other and i just feel hate and rage towards mine. i know i'm so stupid for still being with him but i'm just waiting for him to get better. i'm so depressed right now that i sicken myself. i've put up walls around me and we're not even like a husband and wife, we're basically just roommates. we laugh and joke but there are no kisses or hugs. i'm so lonely on top of everything. no one knows how bad everything is. majority of people in my life only know of the one dui, if i even tell them that. i'm just really losing faith in how things will ever get better. i don't think they can or will. is there truly a recovered alcoholic? i know i'm so dumb but i do still love him. i think that's why i get so hurt by his actions. if i didn't it wouldnt be so hard for me to just pack the kids up and go. ugh, i'm just so confused and have lost alot of faith in things. blah. i'm sorry about my rambling. :\

Edited December 21, 2009 by MariaD06

[Sweetcheripie]

Oh sweetie you need help. How about an Co-dependents of Alcoholics meeting? There will be people there that will understand and have suggestions. Have you talked with your parents and really let them know how bad it is? They are far away but you might be surprised what they could do to help?

 

How about your husband's parents? Do they know how much he is drinking? Would they help with an intevention?

 

Big hugs to you. You have a lot on your plate. Please tell the people you love and trust so they can help you.

[Jade 02]

OMG I'd rather live with a crack head then a daily drunk, You live the same way EXACTALLY!! that I use to,Finally I got so sick of my hubbys drinking(I was 5 years dry when I did this) I finally decided to drink, ya know that saying if ya cant beat em join em? Well I did,and for 3 months I drank him under the table ,I started fights,he went to jail a few times for DV,and FINALLY he ralized he had enough,now were both in AA,and go to church on sundays,and live a day at a time.

 

Now I am not saying you should do this as you have children(we didn't).

Like you, I thought of everything to do,even at the same time protecting him from the law,while he drank,and even thought of how can I make this bastard hit me so I can put a restaining order on him,(but like you I could not afford MY HOME I OWNED alone.

 

Can you get the courage to pack up the kids,and move to moms,and get another job? I have seen many woman make it that way. If he is an abusive drunk,get out ASAP!!!

 

I know it sux,and its hard,but to get your sanity back,get some help,and get otta there.

 

Best wishes

Edited December 22, 2009 by Jade 02
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[pureinheart]

My friend told me the story of her sister in law (it shocked me because my friend is real "prim and proper") who my friends brother would come home drunk most nights beat her sister in law up, and pass out. My friend told her that the next time he does that hit him over the head with an iron skillet...she did, and he stopped.

 

I am not suggesting that you do this, although your situation is drastic and will require drastic measures such as leaving him.

 

I don't know how you have stayed all this time...I can't handle a drunk for more than 5 min....the only one I could handle drunk was my son in law....he loved everyone and was a happy drunk...lol....

 

I hope you get out soon

[Clep]

My heart goes out to you. My son's father is an alcoholic. I went through so much with him much like you are now. He left us and went to rehab. When he came out I was amazed with the changes in him. He relapsed for six months and then left us again.

 

I found that Al-anon was my saving grace. It was the best thing I ever did for MYSELF. Living with an alcoholic causes us to lose ourselves, and focus on the drinking and behaviors (the "ism" part of alcoholism). There is the alcohol but the real problem are the underlying reasons he is obsessed to drink.

 

You didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. The three C's it is known as. It is an incredibly powerful urge for him to drink. If he is an alcoholic he promises himself he won't drink probably, drinks again, deals with self loathing and the cycle continues. I learned not to take it personally. My ex wasn't drinking to hurt me, nor was he doing all of the terrible things he did to hurt me.

 

In Al-anon we are taught to live for ourselves, not to enable which we do not realize that we do it. I was taught how to worry about myself and my child, how to live in serenity whether my ex was still drinking or not, and I can be a part of the solution which I eventually was as he has now been clean for nine months and is working a strong program of recovery. I was able to live with an active alcoholic with peace around me believe it or not.

 

There is also a web site that can help called "In the rooms". It is a fantastic site and you are welcome to look me up on there. I have the same name and picture as here.

 

You will be in my prayers and thoughts.

[You Go Girl]

He drinks and drives. He'll get caught again--and 3 times you're out, right? Lose his driver's license I believe.

You can aid in this possibly--if he has a probation officer you could call up that officer and ask that he install a breathalizer on his car, and that you believe he still drinks and drives.

My H never drinks and drives. Keeps a full liquor cabinet at home, never misses a day of work.

Only thing he is going to lose is me.

Illogical, irrational, selfish thinking, and lots and lots of lies.

Underneath it is--they don't want to deal with their real emotions. So they escape those through alcohol.

I won't sing praises of Al-anon. It is a very Christian organization (although they will dispute that) and I am not religious.

In Al-anon you are told to find your own peace in life. Well it's ridiculous to try to do that with a drunk at home for a spouse.

The only people who like Al-anon tend to be either very religious, or their spouse is working on themselves and going to AA, in which case that is where the peace comes from--not from being told to be a doormat and thank God for it like in Al-anon. Most depressing place I ever went.

[Clep]

He drinks and drives. He'll get caught again--and 3 times you're out, right? Lose his driver's license I believe.

You can aid in this possibly--if he has a probation officer you could call up that officer and ask that he install a breathalizer on his car, and that you believe he still drinks and drives.

My H never drinks and drives. Keeps a full liquor cabinet at home, never misses a day of work.

Only thing he is going to lose is me.

Illogical, irrational, selfish thinking, and lots and lots of lies.

Underneath it is--they don't want to deal with their real emotions. So they escape those through alcohol.

I won't sing praises of Al-anon. It is a very Christian organization (although they will dispute that) and I am not religious.

In Al-anon you are told to find your own peace in life. Well it's ridiculous to try to do that with a drunk at home for a spouse.

The only people who like Al-anon tend to be either very religious, or their spouse is working on themselves and going to AA, in which case that is where the peace comes from--not from being told to be a doormat and thank God for it like in Al-anon. Most depressing place I ever went.

 

I am so sorry things are going poorly in your home. I hope things will start going better for you. It sure is maddening isn't it.

[You Go Girl]

clep--yes, thanks for the sympathy.

I married him this way. I believe he may have been this way for 20 or 30 years--it was a long distance relationship, and I was drinking along with him on the weekends I saw him because he made it seem oh so much fun, and I had never been a drinker before except at parties.

I noticed 6 months into the marriage that some things were off, very off.

By the time I stopped drinking with him I finally could begin to see how far from reality my life was.

[viennawaits]

You go girl~

 

I married my party partner 10 years ago. We met 15 years ago. He was my bartender.

 

It will only get worse. I went through 4 detox episodes and finally gave him an ultimatum. He did go to rehab and shape up. Tough love may seem cliche, but you have to stop fixing all his messes. Open your own account. Make him fix overdrafts and problems created by the drinking on his own. Get to an Al-Anon meeting. It will really help.

 

H was sober for 7 years and started drinking again last year. He is sober again now, but we still may not make it. You are too young to give your life to this disease if he is unwilling to do something about it. Leave by whatever means possible if you decide he is incapable of rehab. Honestly, I should have done it all those years ago.

 

Do you have a friend you can crash with, even for a little while?

[Clep]

clep--yes, thanks for the sympathy.

I married him this way. I believe he may have been this way for 20 or 30 years--it was a long distance relationship, and I was drinking along with him on the weekends I saw him because he made it seem oh so much fun, and I had never been a drinker before except at parties.

I noticed 6 months into the marriage that some things were off, very off.

By the time I stopped drinking with him I finally could begin to see how far from reality my life was.

 

That was me identifying with how difficult the situation is, not sympathy. Sympathy is like pity to me. For others it might be the same but not for me.

 

How long have you been married? How are things going now? I sure hope they are going better.

 

It is easy to allow the disease to run our lives too I think. Sometimes I feel I was sicker than the alcoholic. At least he was drunk with all the things he did. I was co dependent, angry, resentful, controlling and mean while sober!!!

[You Go Girl]

vienna and clep--

 

Things haven't changed one iota at my house. My time here is very limited--a month on the outside.

I peeked in here today after not logging in for a few weeks, I see the OP hasn't responded, so I guess I don't feel too bad somewhat hijacking this thread.

 

My marriage is over now even though we are still in this house together, and he is doing things financially to sabotage my future I believe, and is mean quite often, swinging back and forth between civil and mean, and I just brush it off as much as possible because I know he is trying to get under my skin.

 

Clep--yes--I too have been very sick for years now. I will find my way out of that--it may linger once I've left but eventually I see the focus will become on the new life I create, and I will think less and less about him or what trauma he has caused me.

It's very difficult to grasp that this is my reality when I see now that he is showing his true colors--we are no better than our worst side.

Vienna--I own a cottage which I quit claimed to my daughter when my H threatened me financially with dragging it through the courts and threatened my life. That's where I'll be, but right now it is winterized. In a month it will be easier to move there with furniture, as it is a lake cottage with narrow dirt roads and would be a mess to try to live there right now.

It's difficult to return to this thread because it is so much easier to try to help on other people's threads and not face the raw emotions of revealing my situation.

Eventually I'll finally post my own story.

I can see that you both understand the deep abyss we fall into --or get dragged into--and thanks for any words that try to help me pull myself out.

[Clep]

vienna and clep--

 

Things haven't changed one iota at my house. My time here is very limited--a month on the outside.

I peeked in here today after not logging in for a few weeks, I see the OP hasn't responded, so I guess I don't feel too bad somewhat hijacking this thread.

 

My marriage is over now even though we are still in this house together, and he is doing things financially to sabotage my future I believe, and is mean quite often, swinging back and forth between civil and mean, and I just brush it off as much as possible because I know he is trying to get under my skin.

 

Clep--yes--I too have been very sick for years now. I will find my way out of that--it may linger once I've left but eventually I see the focus will become on the new life I create, and I will think less and less about him or what trauma he has caused me.

It's very difficult to grasp that this is my reality when I see now that he is showing his true colors--we are no better than our worst side.

Vienna--I own a cottage which I quit claimed to my daughter when my H threatened me financially with dragging it through the courts and threatened my life. That's where I'll be, but right now it is winterized. In a month it will be easier to move there with furniture, as it is a lake cottage with narrow dirt roads and would be a mess to try to live there right now.

It's difficult to return to this thread because it is so much easier to try to help on other people's threads and not face the raw emotions of revealing my situation.

Eventually I'll finally post my own story.

I can see that you both understand the deep abyss we fall into --or get dragged into--and thanks for any words that try to help me pull myself out.

 

How wonderful that you are creating a new life for yourself. I would love to hear how things are going for you. If you ever need anything you are welcome to message me. Let us know how the move goes and congratulations!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[You Go Girl]

How wonderful that you are creating a new life for yourself. I would love to hear how things are going for you. If you ever need anything you are welcome to message me. Let us know how the move goes and congratulations!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Thanks, clep, I know you understand, having been there.

I don't even know how to use the messaging system on here.

 

My side of my life that is my part of the mess was letting him support me. Now I am working hard on obtaining my financial freedom. I am making progress, and my cottage well water issue should be fixed fairly soon. I can't live there without water, lol

Meanwhile, things are exactly the same here. We have been roommates only for 10 months or more, I am not counting.

It has been a painful yet easier transition for me to limit the marriage to roommates. Less drama in a slow death, I suppose. When I left last year and lived at my cottage for two months, there was the failed promises that brought me back here, and the hope of course.

This time when I go I take my furniture also, instead of just the 80 of small belongings that are already there and have never come back from last year.

As we haven't been intimate, I know that this time there will be no requests for me to come back, and that he wants to continue being exactly who he is without changing, and would rather let me go.

So closing this door for the last time will be difficult, knowing that coming back won't be an option. I don't believe he would even try nor accept me back again, because he is very angry over the lack of sex, which I cut off not only to detach emotionally from him, but because he has a porn addiction and secret online girl friends, and who knows what else.

Detaching emotionally was the best thing I've done though. It has enabled me to focus on my work, becoming financially independent, and stopped the roller coaster ride completely.

There is a black cloud in the air here though, living like this, so I do need to move along.