Call from xW, the truth is all out, and it's SOOO Over now

[Brokenlady]

This was probably the worst weekend of my life, and that says a lot. Late Saturday night DM called me to scream at me. Apparently his xW discovered we were engaged from my FB page (I accidentally ignore a message about them changing my privacy settings, in and in hours before I realized what happened, she saw it.) Anyway, he was upset, said i should have "warned" him that she might find out. I was taken aback, I didn't advertise anything to her, she went to my page, and I didn't realize it wasn't stil in total lockdown. He said I manipulated things so xW would wash her hands of him. I said "Wow, guess I know where I really stand now".

 

The next morning, I get a call from xW, and I am so pissed and hurt that I finally decide I'm not going to protect him anymore. I have been protecting him and he used my protection to keep having it both ways. She tells me that he told her he wants to work on things with her a few weeks ago, and that he explained away my $16K engagement ring as a "friendship ring". He told her he wanted to come back to her but that he couldn't right now because I'd kill myself, or some such horsesh*t. And apparently, while I was away on business this summer, he took her on vacation. She said they'd been having "really really good sex" the whole time and so I let loose and told her that if she really wanted to know the truth, I'd tell her. I told her that we had sex in her bed, and many other really awful detais she probably didn't want or need to know. I should have told her this stuff a long time ago when she first called me.

 

I know for sure that some of the stuff she told me were lies, but enough of it was not that I know I will never trust him again. Nor do I even want to. Predictably, he is pissed that I stopped his cover-up and thus put an end to the games he's been playing with us both. He is probably correct that she made the call just to hurt me and get me to get away from him, but I am glad we know all have the truth on the table.

 

Naturally, he's been busy apologizing for "mishandling" the whole situation and he's sorry for hurting me. He denied most of what xW said. I believe he's still lying about some of it because he's desperately clinging to the belief that I might take him back again.

 

I am heartbroken and scared. I probably deserve that he cheated on me with his xW repeatedly, but it still hurts like hell. It's going to be another really awful Christmas for me, but I hope to have a fresh start in the new year. But for now, my dreams have burned down and I'm sifting through the ashes with tears in my eyes.

[NoIDidn't]

Sorry you are hurting now.

 

Sounds like he was lying to you both pretty convincingly.

 

But it doesn't sound like its over for any of you, yet.

 

Be careful.

[bentnotbroken]

Not trying to slap you when you are done, but I hope this serves as a beacon that 99% of affairs aren't different, they are built on lies and the lies usually continue.

[Brokenlady]

Sorry you are hurting now.

 

Sounds like he was lying to you both pretty convincingly.

 

There were things I had a "gut feeling" about, but when I'd ask him, he'd say I was being paranoid. I guess I really wanted to believe my gut was wrong.

 

But it doesn't sound like its over for any of you, yet.

 

Be careful.

 

Why? I don't think I can bear much more...what do you think will happen now?

[Hazyhead]

He really was quite the deceiver! I'm so sorry Bl, that truly is an awful situation. I don't know the details of your relationship with him, but just from this post it sounds like you are best off without him. Did he leave his wife to be with you? If so it sounds like he is a complete selfish cake-eater. He and his wife will have to work very hard to fix things, but I hope they don't drag you down any further because it sounds like both of them have the potential to. I wish he only had had the heart to be straight with you, but then he did that to his wife too. Stay away from them as best you can.

[Fallen Angel]

Not trying to slap you when you are done, but I hope this serves as a beacon that 99% of affairs aren't different, they are built on lies and the lies usually continue.

 

Bent,

 

You know I like ya, hun. And I always appreciate your honest, though sometimes painful to hear, advice. But, just have to say... If you have to preface what you are about to say with "Not trying to slap you when you are down", then you are slapping them while they are down.

 

 

OP,

 

I am so sorry that you are hurting like this. I do not have any great words of wisdom that will comfort you or help make things better. I wish I did. So I just wanted to say I am sorry for your pain, and I hope that things get better for you soon. (((HUGS)))

[Brokenlady]

He really was quite the deceiver! I'm so sorry Bl, that truly is an awful situation. I don't know the details of your relationship with him, but just from this post it sounds like you are best off without him. Did he leave his wife to be with you? If so it sounds like he is a complete selfish cake-eater. He and his wife will have to work very hard to fix things, but I hope they don't drag you down any further because it sounds like both of them have the potential to. I wish he only had had the heart to be straight with you, but then he did that to his wife too. Stay away from them as best you can.

 

Yes, he left her for me well over a year ago and he's been divorced for quite some time. I mean legally divorced of course, because it would appear that in every other way, nothing much changed. I can't believe someone who professed to love me and wanted to be with me, asked me to marry him would sink to such incredible depths to keep us both. It defies my sense of the goodness of humanity.

[Spark1111]

BL, so sorry for your pain.

 

Trust your gut. It tells you the truth, if you listen to it.

 

Your MM sounds very, very confused.

 

He want you to make his "on the fence" life easier for HIM.

 

What is he doing to make your life easier for YOU? Tells you you are paranoid? While he continues to chase his xW with promises, vacations, sex?

 

He sounds like a man who always wants what he can't have....at the moment.

 

Is this what you want for you?

 

It is not over because he will lie to you and to his xW until he gets what he had again; two women wanting him or sleeping with him, or in "secret" with him.

 

What is it that YOU want?

[Hazyhead]

God that's hideous! I'm actually amazed by your story, you would think that it would have been certain for you. I'm so sorry for your pain.

[bentnotbroken]

Bent,

 

You know I like ya, hun. And I always appreciate your honest, though sometimes painful to hear, advice. But, just have to say... If you have to preface what you are about to say with "Not trying to slap you when you are down", then you are slapping them while they are down.

 

 

OP,

 

I am so sorry that you are hurting like this. I do not have any great words of wisdom that will comfort you or help make things better. I wish I did. So I just wanted to say I am sorry for your pain, and I hope that things get better for you soon. (((HUGS)))

 

 

The post wasn't in essence was letting her know that my thought was not addressed to her but the others on here going through the same lies. And though I appreciate your kind words, I can't be too concerned with how others see it. She has been used, others need to see that before they are at that point.

[bentnotbroken]

Yes, he left her for me well over a year ago and he's been divorced for quite some time. I mean legally divorced of course, because it would appear that in every other way, nothing much changed. I can't believe someone who professed to love me and wanted to be with me, asked me to marry him would sink to such incredible depths to keep us both. It defies my sense of the goodness of humanity.

 

 

It isn't humanity...it's the turds like him gripping the butt hairs of humanity that are the problem.

[heartbroken1109]

Wow, I'm amazed by this thread, and I'm so sorry for your pain. I don't really have any words of wisdom to offer. I know you are terribly hurt and shocked. ((hugs))

[Brokenlady]

BL, so sorry for your pain.

 

Trust your gut. It tells you the truth, if you listen to it.

 

Your MM sounds very, very confused.

 

He want you to make his "on the fence" life easier for HIM.

 

What is he doing to make your life easier for YOU? Tells you you are paranoid? While he continues to chase his xW with promises, vacations, sex?

 

He sounds like a man who always wants what he can't have....at the moment.

 

Is this what you want for you?

 

It is not over because he will lie to you and to his xW until he gets what he had again; two women wanting him or sleeping with him, or in "secret" with him.

 

What is it that YOU want?

 

Thank you all for your kind thoughts.

 

Sprak, I don't think he's very confused - I think he just wanted both. He said "I knew I couldn't keep you both forever", and I said "But, God help you, you tried, didn't you?" He said yes, he was selfish, just couldn't let go of her, etc. All true, but this changes nothing.

 

What's funny to me in all of his apologies, he doesn't indicate anything has or will change. He just says he did the best he could. Like I'm supposed to feel sorry for him bringing this whole sh*t storm on himself. He chose to be selfish. He chose to disregard my feelings, he chose to lie to me and manipulate. I guess it's honest, for once.

 

What I want is to be away from him and not be heartbroken. I'm going to pray harder than ever to get over him.

Edited December 21, 2009 by Brokenlady

[MizFit]

Thank you all for your kind thoughts.

 

Sprak, I don't think he's very confused - I think he just wanted both. He said "I knew I couldn't keep you both forever", and I said "But, God help you, you tried, didn't you?" He said yes, he was selfish, just couldn't let go of her, etc. All true, but this changes nothing.

 

What's funny to me in all of his apologies, he doesn't indicate anything has or will change. He just says he did the best he could. Like I'm supposed to feel sorry for him bringing this whole sh*t storm on himself. He chose to be selfish. He chose to disregard my feelings, he chose to lie to me and manipulate. I guess it's honest, for once.

 

What I want is to be away from him and not be heartbroken. I'm going to pray harder than ever to get over him.

 

My heart aches for you...I wish someone could make it better, but we can't. Just know that there are many of us here waiting to listen to you vent, cry and rant.

 

xx

[jwi71]

His true colors are now known.

 

Now I'm going to ask you do something that will be extraordinarily painful.

 

Thinking back over your time with him...what was real?

 

Which of his words were true? Which actions? What memories are NOT tainted? How long was he lying to you? Can you decipher the truth from his lies?

 

Trust is the foundation of love. And can you trust him?

 

I know its painful to look back and "see" things in this light.

 

If you do...I think you will find what you are looking for...that strength to leave.

 

Darling it was REAL to you...but for HIM...all a lie, to you, to himself to his xW....

 

He cannot change who and what he is...and now that you know...walk. If you don't, this is the rest of your life.

[NoIDidn't]

Bent,

 

You know I like ya, hun. And I always appreciate your honest, though sometimes painful to hear, advice. But, just have to say... If you have to preface what you are about to say with "Not trying to slap you when you are down", then you are slapping them while they are down.

 

The post wasn't in essence was letting her know that my thought was not addressed to her but the others on here going through the same lies. And though I appreciate your kind words, I can't be too concerned with how others see it. She has been used, others need to see that before they are at that point.

 

I get what Bent was doing and saying. It wasn't to the AP directly, it was to the situation.

 

 

Look what happened. We have two grown women now trying to hurt each other with words over HIS lies to the both of them.

 

The next morning, I get a call from xW, and I am so pissed and hurt that I finally decide I'm not going to protect him anymore. I have been protecting him and he used my protection to keep having it both ways. She tells me that he told her he wants to work on things with her a few weeks ago, and that he explained away my $16K engagement ring as a "friendship ring". He told her he wanted to come back to her but that he couldn't right now because I'd kill myself, or some such horsesh*t. And apparently, while I was away on business this summer, he took her on vacation. She said they'd been having "really really good sex" the whole time and so I let loose and told her that if she really wanted to know the truth, I'd tell her. I told her that we had sex in her bed, and many other really awful detais she probably didn't want or need to know. I should have told her this stuff a long time ago when she first called me.

 

 

This is what affairs turn people into. People that lie and hurt others to make themselves feel better or more justified.

 

Here a MM basically turns his xW into his current OW. And the current GF/Fiance is now the betrayed one.

 

But since this whole thing is tied in to the past, they use this to hurt each other. Sex in their home and bed during the affair?! Pretty low. Secret vacation while you were away for work? Not fair, he did that during the A to you! Pretty low.

 

Here we have two grown women, who under normal circumstances would not have stooped to this level were it not for this particular type of middle man.

 

All because of this man's lies to the both of them. This is what Bent was talking about. It does come off like beating a dead horse, but wasn't about the horse - its about the one kicking it.

[Brokenlady]

But since this whole thing is tied in to the past, they use this to hurt each other. Sex in their home and bed during the affair?! Pretty low. Secret vacation while you were away for work? Not fair, he did that during the A to you! Pretty low.

 

He took her on vacation after they were seperated for almost a year. There was in theory no A anymore (between him and I). Apparently, the only A was between him and his xW. Which I probably deserve.

 

Here we have two grown women, who under normal circumstances would not have stooped to this level were it not for this particular type of middle man.

 

Right.

[NoIDidn't]

He took her on vacation after they were seperated for almost a year. There was in theory no A anymore (between him and I). Apparently, the only A was between him and his xW. Which I probably deserve.

 

No, you don't deserve it. You deserved honesty from him. You both did.

 

Based on your timeline, I assumed no affair between you too by then, but a secret relationship between them that probably mirrored the kinds of things you did while in the affair. That's why it says "no fair, he did that (with me, is implied) during (our) the affair". Sorry for the confusion.

 

It happens so much, though. It is so common for divorcees to keep having sex even when there is someone else already in the picture. And it is very common for them to speak about it as if you have no right to expect different from them.

 

This whole situation just sucks, and I am very sorry that you are caught up in its latest incarnation.

[whichwayisup]

This guy is gaslighting BOTH women.

[skywriter]

....and BrokenLady, you don't have to be "Broken", anymore.

 

Now, you can be wiser, and stronger, for having found all this out

before you went any further into life with him.

 

I'm sorry for you and for his xW, because this guy sounds toxic to anyone.

 

I know that words don't change the grief you feel. The aching in the pit of your stomach and the rambling confusion that just keeps going round in circles in your mind. I've had it, myself.

 

One thing for sure though, as bad as all that is, you don't have to go back to the cause of it. You just have to hold on for the ride and heal.

[reboot]

There's an old saying here in the South that seems appropriate for this guy.

 

 

 

You can't polish a turd.

[Brokenlady]

It happens so much, though. It is so common for divorcees to keep having sex even when there is someone else already in the picture. And it is very common for them to speak about it as if you have no right to expect different from them.

 

 

I know this kind of thing happens sometimes, but I don't get it. A coworker divorced her H, continued having sex, got preg by him, and now they're back together, but not re-M. WTH? When I got divorced, that was it. No nostaliga-sex (frankly it was crappy sex during M anyhow), no lingering attachments, etc. I mean, ins't that the point of bieng divorced? Why bother then?

 

I'm really not sure why she participated, but for the revenge on me (because he left her for me). But basically, it says to me that she was open to sharing him with me. And that he was happy to be a glutton. That just makes me sick.

[Spark1111]

Brokenlady, you cannot assume she was motivated by revenge, though that may be true.

 

Perhaps he was also lying to her, telling her how much he missed her, missed having sex with her, maybe they should have worked harder to stay together, he was thinking you were the mistake....blah, blah, blah.

 

You now know two things with absolute certainty: He lies to you and to her, and he is enraged his duplicty was found out and discussed between the two women he was trying to keep from EVER speaking with one another.

 

Maybe, three things; Some men love the drama of the triangle. They love when two women are strung along and fighting over them. It is the biggest ego-boost in the world.

 

But are these men capable of loving and committing to one woman?

 

You removed the drama, outed some lies, and can now make the decision that is best for you.

 

In time, when the pain subsides.

[Brokenlady]

Brokenlady, you cannot assume she was motivated by revenge, though that may be true.

 

Perhaps he was also lying to her, telling her how much he missed her, missed having sex with her, maybe they should have worked harder to stay together, he was thinking you were the mistake....blah, blah, blah.

 

According to her, that's exactly what he was doing. But even so, she knew he was still with me all the time and going away on weekends with me...perhaps she did the same as me and just believed what she wanted to believe.

 

You now know two things with absolute certainty: He lies to you and to her, and he is enraged his duplicty was found out and discussed between the two women he was trying to keep from EVER speaking with one another.

 

Maybe, three things; Some men love the drama of the triangle. They love when two women are strung along and fighting over them. It is the biggest ego-boost in the world.

 

But are these men capable of loving and committing to one woman?

 

You removed the drama, outed some lies, and can now make the decision that is best for you.

 

In time, when the pain subsides.

 

Yeah, I really thought he was capable of being who I thought he was initially. He changed a lot, but not in a good way. He just got better at dodging and weaving, manipulating and decieving rather than facing up to everything. No real growth. It's like his sense of duty to his M kept his narcissism in check for along time but now its running around totally unfettered by care for anyone.

[silic0ntoad]

Don't mess around with MM or recently seperated Men.

 

 

 

-Problem solved.

 

 

40% of relationships in the US alone are founded through infidelity. No wonder our divorce rate is so high. Build a sand house on a sand mound and it's all going to collapse.

 

I hope you feel better soon. I would chalk it up as a learning experience.