Call from xW, the truth is all out, and it's SOOO Over now

[RedDevil66]

Sorry for your pain, I'm sure you're stunned, and again I will say, what do women expect from men who lie? the truth?!

 

My ex kept me and his other woman for 6 months until she confonted me. I was with him 11 yrs, her 6 months. She fought tooth and nail for him, I said "sure honey, he's all yours"

 

They are not married (her 4th marriage) and he cheats on her over and over.

The end

 

Run from this guy, they are ALL the same, period!

[John Who]

This does not surprise me at all, most of the D couples I know have hooked up again numerous times even after the M ended.

 

Come on their is even a movie coming out about that, It's Complicated.

This happens ALOT more than what we think.

 

I was having a EA with my W after we D.

 

My bestfriend D his W and started having a A with his W,left his GF and is dating his W again.

[norajane]

She tells me that he told her he wants to work on things with her a few weeks ago, and that he explained away my $16K engagement ring as a "friendship ring".

 

He told her he wanted to come back to her but that he couldn't right now because I'd kill myself, or some such horsesh*t.

 

And apparently, while I was away on business this summer, he took her on vacation. She said they'd been having "really really good sex" the whole time and so I let loose and told her that if she really wanted to know the truth, I'd tell her.

 

I told her that we had sex in her bed, and many other really awful detais she probably didn't want or need to know. I should have told her this stuff a long time ago when she first called me.

What does this man offer that he can get two grown women catfighting over him like this?

 

Both of you have known for a long time now that if you open the dictionary to "selfish, lying dickwad who manipulates and hurts people", his face is there big as life and grinning wide. What is it that you ladies see in him?

[Phateless]

This was probably the worst weekend of my life, and that says a lot. Late Saturday night DM called me to scream at me. Apparently his xW discovered we were engaged from my FB page (I accidentally ignore a message about them changing my privacy settings, in and in hours before I realized what happened, she saw it.) Anyway, he was upset, said i should have "warned" him that she might find out. I was taken aback, I didn't advertise anything to her, she went to my page, and I didn't realize it wasn't stil in total lockdown. He said I manipulated things so xW would wash her hands of him. I said "Wow, guess I know where I really stand now".

 

The next morning, I get a call from xW, and I am so pissed and hurt that I finally decide I'm not going to protect him anymore. I have been protecting him and he used my protection to keep having it both ways. She tells me that he told her he wants to work on things with her a few weeks ago, and that he explained away my $16K engagement ring as a "friendship ring". He told her he wanted to come back to her but that he couldn't right now because I'd kill myself, or some such horsesh*t. And apparently, while I was away on business this summer, he took her on vacation. She said they'd been having "really really good sex" the whole time and so I let loose and told her that if she really wanted to know the truth, I'd tell her. I told her that we had sex in her bed, and many other really awful detais she probably didn't want or need to know. I should have told her this stuff a long time ago when she first called me.

 

I know for sure that some of the stuff she told me were lies, but enough of it was not that I know I will never trust him again. Nor do I even want to. Predictably, he is pissed that I stopped his cover-up and thus put an end to the games he's been playing with us both. He is probably correct that she made the call just to hurt me and get me to get away from him, but I am glad we know all have the truth on the table.

 

Naturally, he's been busy apologizing for "mishandling" the whole situation and he's sorry for hurting me. He denied most of what xW said. I believe he's still lying about some of it because he's desperately clinging to the belief that I might take him back again.

 

I am heartbroken and scared. I probably deserve that he cheated on me with his xW repeatedly, but it still hurts like hell. It's going to be another really awful Christmas for me, but I hope to have a fresh start in the new year. But for now, my dreams have burned down and I'm sifting through the ashes with tears in my eyes.

 

If you want the pain to stop then you need to stop dating this loser. That's all there is to it.

[NoIDidn't]

According to her, that's exactly what he was doing. But even so, she knew he was still with me all the time and going away on weekends with me...perhaps she did the same as me and just believed what she wanted to believe.

 

I don't think that's fair to say considering you were in an affair with him with no regard for their Union. Personally, I think that a person is fair game until they get engaged to get married. And if he's telling her that he wants her, and they hastily got divorced, she's in a much better position than you were in as the person he was seeing while still married. I know you are hurting over this, so I won't go any further with this line of convo as I am sure its not helpful to you right now. And for that I apologize.

 

 

Yeah, I really thought he was capable of being who I thought he was initially. He changed a lot, but not in a good way. He just got better at dodging and weaving, manipulating and decieving rather than facing up to everything. No real growth. It's like his sense of duty to his M kept his narcissism in check for along time but now its running around totally unfettered by care for anyone.

 

I don't think its fair to call him a narcissist now either. Again, it really is common for divorced couples to get back together again and again. But it is equally common for a recently divorced person to go on a sexual spree considering they are finally free again. It comes off like unchecked narcissism, but its really just release of pent-up frustrations having been locked in a marriage for a long period.

 

I'm not saying that its right, or that what I have just said anything helpful. It just is what it is. And right now you are on the sucky end of it.

 

I know you say its over, but I wouldn't hold it against you for letting him go for a period and then getting back into a relationship with him one day in the future. It happens.

 

(Having said all this, I am IN NO WAY trying to imply that this is your fault. No WAY. Just noting that your experience is common and especially unfortunate for the person in your position in it all)

[bentnotbroken]

This guy is gaslighting BOTH women.

 

 

IMO, it takes a truly cold hearted manipulating jerk to emotionally destroy people in his life.

[jwi71]

I don't think its fair to call him a narcissist now either. Again, it really is common for divorced couples to get back together again and again.

 

I rarely disagree with you NID but I do here.

While I understand what you are saying about recently divorced couples and in part agree, that's NOT what is going on here.

 

Her "man" was lying to his xW (please take me back) and lying to BL by asking her to marry him. Each was hidden from the other - or at least the degree to which he was involved with each woman.

 

This isn't a "nostalgia" roll in the hay with the xW...its a deliberate scheme to STILL have both. Its WHO and WHAT he is. And it ain't changing.

 

I know you say its over, but I wouldn't hold it against you for letting him go for a period and then getting back into a relationship with him one day in the future. It happens.

I picked up on this too...like BL is couching her response to this..leaving wiggle room to continue. I half suspect she does. And I fear her hurt has only just begun.

[BED OF ROSES]

This was probably the worst weekend of my life, and that says a lot. Late Saturday night DM called me to scream at me. Apparently his xW discovered we were engaged from my FB page (I accidentally ignore a message about them changing my privacy settings, in and in hours before I realized what happened, she saw it.) Anyway, he was upset, said i should have "warned" him that she might find out. I was taken aback, I didn't advertise anything to her, she went to my page, and I didn't realize it wasn't stil in total lockdown. He said I manipulated things so xW would wash her hands of him. I said "Wow, guess I know where I really stand now".

 

The next morning, I get a call from xW, and I am so pissed and hurt that I finally decide I'm not going to protect him anymore. I have been protecting him and he used my protection to keep having it both ways. She tells me that he told her he wants to work on things with her a few weeks ago, and that he explained away my $16K engagement ring as a "friendship ring". He told her he wanted to come back to her but that he couldn't right now because I'd kill myself, or some such horsesh*t. And apparently, while I was away on business this summer, he took her on vacation. She said they'd been having "really really good sex" the whole time and so I let loose and told her that if she really wanted to know the truth, I'd tell her. I told her that we had sex in her bed, and many other really awful detais she probably didn't want or need to know. I should have told her this stuff a long time ago when she first called me.

 

I know for sure that some of the stuff she told me were lies, but enough of it was not that I know I will never trust him again. Nor do I even want to. Predictably, he is pissed that I stopped his cover-up and thus put an end to the games he's been playing with us both. He is probably correct that she made the call just to hurt me and get me to get away from him, but I am glad we know all have the truth on the table.

 

Naturally, he's been busy apologizing for "mishandling" the whole situation and he's sorry for hurting me. He denied most of what xW said. I believe he's still lying about some of it because he's desperately clinging to the belief that I might take him back again.

 

I am heartbroken and scared. I probably deserve that he cheated on me with his xW repeatedly, but it still hurts like hell. It's going to be another really awful Christmas for me, but I hope to have a fresh start in the new year. But for now, my dreams have burned down and I'm sifting through the ashes with tears in my eyes.

 

 

You need to move on and that is the end of the story. This is one of the exact reasons I do not advocate the OW pushing for MM to divorce. Even if he divorces and marries you as it seems he was prepared to do....that just leaves a opening for your former spot...OW. In your case the roles were reversed and his XW became the OW.

 

The honest truth is you have no reason to be surprised. Hurt maybe, but surprised absolutely not. You better than anyone except maybe his XW knows this man's propensity for infidelity, yet you allowed yourself to believe that you were somehow different...that was a terrible mistake. Also did you really have sex with this man in the bed he shared with his then wife? I hope not because there is no justification for disrespecting yourself in that manner. I hope that you are able to move beyond this experience and come out of it a stronger woman.

 

I would let him go. If his XW wants him back she can have him that is not your concern. Oh and one last thing... keep the ring.

[pureinheart]

This was probably the worst weekend of my life, and that says a lot. Late Saturday night DM called me to scream at me. Apparently his xW discovered we were engaged from my FB page (I accidentally ignore a message about them changing my privacy settings, in and in hours before I realized what happened, she saw it.) Anyway, he was upset, said i should have "warned" him that she might find out. I was taken aback, I didn't advertise anything to her, she went to my page, and I didn't realize it wasn't stil in total lockdown. He said I manipulated things so xW would wash her hands of him. I said "Wow, guess I know where I really stand now".

 

The next morning, I get a call from xW, and I am so pissed and hurt that I finally decide I'm not going to protect him anymore. I have been protecting him and he used my protection to keep having it both ways. She tells me that he told her he wants to work on things with her a few weeks ago, and that he explained away my $16K engagement ring as a "friendship ring". He told her he wanted to come back to her but that he couldn't right now because I'd kill myself, or some such horsesh*t. And apparently, while I was away on business this summer, he took her on vacation. She said they'd been having "really really good sex" the whole time and so I let loose and told her that if she really wanted to know the truth, I'd tell her. I told her that we had sex in her bed, and many other really awful detais she probably didn't want or need to know. I should have told her this stuff a long time ago when she first called me.

 

I know for sure that some of the stuff she told me were lies, but enough of it was not that I know I will never trust him again. Nor do I even want to. Predictably, he is pissed that I stopped his cover-up and thus put an end to the games he's been playing with us both. He is probably correct that she made the call just to hurt me and get me to get away from him, but I am glad we know all have the truth on the table.

 

Naturally, he's been busy apologizing for "mishandling" the whole situation and he's sorry for hurting me. He denied most of what xW said. I believe he's still lying about some of it because he's desperately clinging to the belief that I might take him back again.

 

I am heartbroken and scared. I probably deserve that he cheated on me with his xW repeatedly, but it still hurts like hell. It's going to be another really awful Christmas for me, but I hope to have a fresh start in the new year. But for now, my dreams have burned down and I'm sifting through the ashes with tears in my eyes.

 

I don't like to hear that you are in pain, although based on this post, this pain was inevitable....and actually this is your "beginning"....this beginning has been put off although you knew it would come eventually...all of the while hoping "you" were wrong. A liar and cheat is a liar and cheat, this rarely changes, yet we for some reason think it will be different for us.

 

You are replacing the fake for what is real, so I do not see you loosing anything, in fact you are gaining. He will have his lying pathetic life and his "exW" will be miserable.

 

This will be the best Christmas you have ever had....and I speak that into existance. The worst is over and the best is yet to come....now you can get the best that God has for you, Gods hands were tied because you were choosing to mess with the past...no more counterfeits. This is the first day of the rest of your life!

 

When exMM/exBF continued to hide me when it was not needed, I knew....interesting how he chased me, I was always telling him to leave me alone that he was MARRIED and so on....most of these guys are commitment phobics, they stay M and in bad M because they can't deal with commitment, they have it on paper with one and that is all it is...paper....

Edited December 22, 2009 by pureinheart

[Brokenlady]

 

This isn't a "nostalgia" roll in the hay with the xW...its a deliberate scheme to STILL have both. Its WHO and WHAT he is. And it ain't changing.

 

Yeah that's been my feeling. And to be honest I don't even really get the nostalgia thing, I have none for my xh, but maybe it's just that i haven't been open to it. who knows.

 

I picked up on this too...like BL is couching her response to this..leaving wiggle room to continue. I half suspect she does. And I fear her hurt has only just begun.

 

I really hope you are wrong. But I admit to feeling like I wish I will just wake up and discover none of this was real. That he didn't really do all this, that he really loves me and this was all just some terrible nightmare. But I can't take him back, not again. And my friends seem to be of the opinion that he doesnt even really want me to take him back. I honestly don't want him back. I am struggling though with having to re-evaluate myself and my self-worth and I feel like such a failure. He duped me, and if he didn't really love me, (or even if he was simply incapable of showing it) maybe I am worthless....and on and on down the rabbit hole. I am begging my therapist and praying to God to help me stay away from him.

[Hazyhead]

BL, although you must feel at your absolute lowest right now, you are far from worthless. Him, on the other hand, who can't be honest with himself let alone two women who believed in him, that's a different matter. You must not blame yourself - the problem lies within him and whereas you will eventually move on, he will not because he has no clarity in his mind and I don't think he knows how to get it.

 

Stay strong BL.

[Brokenlady]

BL, although you must feel at your absolute lowest right now, you are far from worthless. Him, on the other hand, who can't be honest with himself let alone two women who believed in him, that's a different matter. You must not blame yourself - the problem lies within him and whereas you will eventually move on, he will not because he has no clarity in his mind and I don't think he knows how to get it.

 

Stay strong BL.

 

Thank you. I am really struggling to redirect my thoughts, but I am settled on my course to be done with him forever. I spoke with his mother today and told her of my resolve (she called and asked how I was doing). I have another IC appt tomorrow night and I'm going to start the hard work of trying to rebuild myself.

[eyeswide]

But I admit to feeling like I wish I will just wake up and discover none of this was real. That he didn't really do all this, that he really loves me and this was all just some terrible nightmare.

 

You know how OWs are often asking why do BWs put up with their WHs after dday? How can they possibly believe that the M will work? Or, prior to dday (and sometimes even after) how can they deny the truth that their H loves someone else?

 

This is often the answer. We want so badly for it not to be true that, at least for a while, we hold on to this wish. Sometimes it's what keeps us from downing a bottle of percoset and a fifth of vodka. So this "foolish wish" can also be somewhat self-preserving in those hard-to-breathe-through moments.

 

I am so sorry for your pain, BL.

[fooled once]

BL ((hug))

 

Man, I am so sorry you are hurting.

 

He may have legally divorced his wife, but he never emotionally divorced her.

 

*sigh*

 

When you had posted before about him going over there and raking leaves made me wonder what else he was doing, ya know?

 

And NID, I have to disagree with you too - after my divorce, I never ever ever even THOUGHT of screwing him again My H, who is also divorced, didn't ever get back with his ex either. I wonder why people DO get divorced if they get together for hook ups after they divorce.

 

Please DO NOT beat yourself up. PLEASE do not believe you deserve this in any way.

 

Kick him out. Get rid of him. Pack his crap and throw it out. Starting today, it is a new life for you!!! Do NOT let him control your emotions to the point of you hating Christmas.

 

Get with family - get with girlfriends. I guarantee you they will open their home to you for Christmas.

 

DO NOT let him bring you down any further than he has.

 

And for your own sanity, do not answer any more calls from his ex.

 

2010 will be a great year for you!!! You have to believe it for it to be true. You have to work for it.

 

I truly am so sorry he hurt you. I never liked him from your first post about him. He is truly one of the many fence sitters on here and I am glad you shoved him off the fence. Nothing worse than a man being a pansy and not being able to make a decision. It is really sad how so many OW sit and wait for these losers ~ like they are getting some great prize. I mean, he has to figure out if he wants you??? He needs time to decide which woman is better for him? He needs time to figure out who he loves more? Gimme a break. CAKE EATER!!

 

BL ((hug)) YOU will come out from this so much stronger. There is no doubt in my mind had you KNOWN, truly KNOWN, he was betraying you, you wouldn't have tolerated it nor accepted an engagement ring from him.

 

One day at a time ((hug))

[bentnotbroken]

I didn't want to go back and ride Mr. Messy's pocket rocket either. How do you know where that thing has been?

[Brokenlady]

There is no doubt in my mind had you KNOWN, truly KNOWN, he was betraying you, you wouldn't have tolerated it nor accepted an engagement ring from him.

 

 

Of course I wouldn't have. Just the pit I had in my stomach made me extremely reluctant. Had I known for sure what was up, I wouldn't have given him the gift of breathing my exhaust as I drove away. I felt better yesterday than the day before and I'm ok today. I'm still very sad and raging inside, but I feel relief. All that crap I knew was there (all the stuff he was hiding) is finally out in the open. I'm not crazy after all, its just that he's an *********.

 

All that stuff was driving me away from him anyway, and it was just begging to come out. While I wish it had waited til after Christmas, this was exactly what I needed to get away from him. He is Toxic with a capital T.

 

I am certain that he is already begging his wife's forgiveness, telling her I'm crazy and that I lied about everything. I almost feel like I should send her some of his emails as proof so she's not tempted to believe his bull****, but I don't think that's a good idea. If she wants proof, she can come to me asking for it. I offered it up during the call. And frankly, I want to get as far away from ground zero right now as humanly possible.

 

And you know it's funny, as I was telling her all the really hateful things he did (how much do you have to hate your spouse to insist on having sex in their bed with your AP, etc) I could see for the first time that he really is a terrible person. He did some unforgiveable things to both of us and had me convinced that we each somehow deserved it. Someone suggested I'm finally coming out of the fog. I truly think I am. And I have a lot of work to do on myself that I avoided while I was so busy trying to make him love me the way I wanted. Now I can finally start getting better.

[NoIDidn't]

I think I need to clarify some things, even though it probably won't change the fact that some disagree with me. I was speaking more in a general sense, though.

 

I rarely disagree with you NID but I do here.

While I understand what you are saying about recently divorced couples and in part agree, that's NOT what is going on here.

 

Her "man" was lying to his xW (please take me back) and lying to BL by asking her to marry him. Each was hidden from the other - or at least the degree to which he was involved with each woman.

 

This isn't a "nostalgia" roll in the hay with the xW...its a deliberate scheme to STILL have both. Its WHO and WHAT he is. And it ain't changing

 

True. I can't disagree with this at all. Reconsidering what has been said about this situation makes it clear that he was doing more than just having his cake and eating it too. It seems he's one of those MM that thinks that the OW signed up for endless and untold disrespect from him in that he seemed to imply that she has no right to interfere in his attempts to keep his xW in his stable as well.

 

It is clear that he was laying things out so that he could keep both women in his life, but its not clear that he is a narcissist - at least not yet.

 

(BTW, I'm honored that you usually agree with me, LOL. I ALWAYS agree with your very well-considered responses! )

 

 

And NID, I have to disagree with you too - after my divorce, I never ever ever even THOUGHT of screwing him again My H, who is also divorced, didn't ever get back with his ex either. I wonder why people DO get divorced if they get together for hook ups after they divorce.

 

I think you answered this in a sentence prior to this. You were emotionally divorced from your xH, and probably long before the actual divorce took place.

 

It probably comes off like I'm excusing him for what he did to Broken. I'm not. I definitely find what he did to Broken as cruel, thoughtless, and inconsiderate. I feel that he used her (consciously or unconsciously). I certainly feel that she deserves better from him, especially as they were engaged.

 

And yet, I would totally understand if she chose to put this behind her and marry him anyway.

[Brokenlady]

And yet' date=' I would totally understand if she chose to put this behind her and marry him anyway.[/quote']

 

I like to think of myself as an endlessly forgiving and empathetic person, but I've come to a point where I am tired to forgiving him for things he knows are hurtful to me. I have millions of "please forgive me, I'm trying" emails. It seems that he's only increased the level of betrayal each time. It's as if each "forgiveness" was an open invitation to see just how far he could push me. If he was trying to break me (consciously or not) simply to make sure he could get what he wanted, he succeeded. And there is some relief in the death-blow to our R, as opposed to the slow painful death he was giving it. Now, it's time to pick up the pieces.

 

I just wish I had more confidence that something will rise from the ashes, something worthwhile. I am scared for the future, but right now a future with him seems scarier. I can't believe I let this man bring me to a mental/emotional place in 4 years that is worse than the place I was in with my xH and we were married over 10 years. Never again.

[gopher]

I don't know....I tend to believe in people's actions rather than their words. In this case, I've read nothing to have any faith in this guy, in his character, his honesty or his truthfulness. I think the only future with this guy, is a drama filled one.

[NoIDidn't]

I like to think of myself as an endlessly forgiving and empathetic person, but I've come to a point where I am tired to forgiving him for things he knows are hurtful to me. I have millions of "please forgive me, I'm trying" emails. It seems that he's only increased the level of betrayal each time. It's as if each "forgiveness" was an open invitation to see just how far he could push me. If he was trying to break me (consciously or not) simply to make sure he could get what he wanted, he succeeded. And there is some relief in the death-blow to our R, as opposed to the slow painful death he was giving it. Now, it's time to pick up the pieces.

 

I just wish I had more confidence that something will rise from the ashes, something worthwhile. I am scared for the future, but right now a future with him seems scarier. I can't believe I let this man bring me to a mental/emotional place in 4 years that is worse than the place I was in with my xH and we were married over 10 years. Never again.

 

Broken, I'm so sorry for what you are going through right now.

 

I don't feel its fair for me to say much more than that, as opposed to what I've already posted, since I really don't have all the facts (and neither should I) of what you are going through.

 

I don't blame you for walking away from his mess.

 

(((Brokenlady)))

[NoIDidn't]

I went back and read the last page of your "His needs/Her Needs" thread, and I am floored.

 

I am always willing to say when I am wrong, and BOY was I wrong here.

 

I am glad you aren't going to let in back in. I can't imagine what you have been through in the last four years.

 

Your gut was right all along.

 

Hugs, again.

[Brokenlady]

I went back and read the last page of your "His needs/Her Needs" thread, and I am floored.

 

I am always willing to say when I am wrong, and BOY was I wrong here.

 

I am glad you aren't going to let in back in. I can't imagine what you have been through in the last four years.

 

Your gut was right all along.

 

Hugs, again.

 

Thank you.

 

And as an aside - remember when I said in the other thread "he's already setting up to "accidentally" sleep over at his xW's"? What he ended up doing that night was going home, calling me so I could see his home # on the caller ID, then going back and sleeping over there. His xW told me he did that alot. He did admit to doing it that night - which was so lovely because it was the same night he called to scream at me about the FB thing. Real charmer.

 

I hate him so much right now.

[Brokenlady]

Anyone have any thought as to whether or not I should email his xW an offer of emails and proof of things I said? I just know he's saying I'm nuts and lied about everything. Or should I just let it go?

[NoIDidn't]

I say let it go.

 

He isn't worth trying to prove that you aren't the liar.

 

I'm still floored.

 

If he is still lying to his kids about their divorce being final, there really is no point in you proving anything to her as she is part of THAT lie too.

 

He is not worth it.

[jwi71]

I agree with NiD...let it go.

Nothing to be gained...and do you really think "they" will see you in a better light?

(No)