Yet Another Broken Heart Looking for Answers (long)

[jpwr]

Ugh...I’ll try to keep this concise, but the pain in me just wants to flow out in endless banter. I apologize in advance for putting anyone to sleep prematurely.

 

About 5 ½ years ago, a beautiful, quiet girl (M) had phoned me to ask me out on a date (she got my number from a relative where she worked). We took it slow and after a few dates she somewhat stunned me telling me she was divorced. Prior to dating her I had always thought the scarlet letter ‘D’ was a major red flag and caution should be taken in the event of a serious relationship. Well, as we got to know each other better, I felt more comfortable and was convinced it was a non issue. She uttered the ‘L’ word about two months into our casual relationship consisting of 2-3 nights of dating each week (she was living with her parents). I followed with ‘L’ a few weeks later and we were very happy for quite a long time (I can’t even remember any sort of arguments we may have had, if any). We were now committed to each other as boyfriend/girlfriend in a serious relationship.

 

Fast forward about 3 years including increased dates/sleepovers, maybe 4-5 times each week (at this point we both lived alone in condos in different towns). Being an engineer, I tend to be clear and to the point (unless I’m babbling emotionally like now . I’ve always been incredibly honest, perhaps to a fault and my motivation to succeed at everything I do is very strong. I am also a neat freak. Well, as M and I had been spending more time together, I tended to pick up after her; clothes, dishes, etc. I grumbled here and there, but nothing extreme. OK she was a messy and klutzy, but I was convinced I could work with it. I tried to help her do things without trying to change her habits. I just wanted her to feel more comfortable (I am an engineer after all...we fix things and solve problems). Mistake #1. Sadly, it’s not that simple with people.

 

She started to suffer from emotional issues including a bit of anxiety and stress from her career (and perhaps some of my nitpicking) and sought a psychiatrist who had prescribed the usual assortment of feel good drugs. Now remember I said I am honest to a fault? Well, she would ask me how she looked, “am I fat?” and I would say hell no, you look great...and would look even better if you lost five pounds....ooops! Bad. Bad. Bad. OK, I’m not perfect, but if someone asks me a question, I give them an honest answer. After all, if I were to ask someone that question, I would expect the person to tell me exactly what was wrong so I could fix it...there goes the engineer again. Mistake #2. However, the love was still strong, but I found myself apologizing repeatedly for that one incident. We could have gotten married at any point and had talked about it in length. We mutually agreed to holding off in order focus more on our careers and personal hobbies (she ran, cycled and I worked on cars, lifted weights).

 

Another year passes, and the sparks were still there, albeit in a more sinusoidal fashion. In the fourth year, she had befriended an older woman (P) about twice her age at work. I think it’s great, more people to talk to. Later on I come to find out this woman had been divorced twice, was an alcoholic, and enjoyed going out to bars picking up younger men. The two of them would hang out at bars a couple of times each month, but I never inquired about it as I felt it was none of my business. I did not like bars, so I never participated. I did have the slight uneasy feeling that P may be giving M poor advice considering her track record. Call it paranoia, I don’t know. I tend to analyze everything, maybe too much, but it’s another engineer thing. No one has to know, just me, but I like to understand what makes things tick and how to fix them when they break. I also tend to push myself in everything; set high goals and achieve them. I was hoping some of my motivation would rub off on M and loved the thought of her getting off the psychiatrist’s drugs and feel better, more self confident on her own doing. I wanted her to feel what I felt and how great it is to achieve your goals. OK, me being the “coach” backfired in a big way. Mistake #3. I don’t know why, I was only trying to be supportive and provide some direction. Don’t we all want someone to push us?

 

We had good careers and did our jobs well. Most of the time, I’d come home and crash, veg for a while on the computer/TV and she would do the same at her place. We would get together to a point were it became fairly routine, but still very enjoyable (to me at least). I don’t mind routine. I think between that and the fact that we hadn’t been on a major trip together (not a financial issue, just a timing issue) further worked at extinguishing the spark. Additionally, I had to plan everything. All of our small trips, restaurants, drives, etc...it was hard enough coordinating our time off from work to be together (my schedule was flexible, but hers was not). I was getting a bit tired of planning so I let things ride for a while to see if she would take some initiative. It never culminated into anything, but of course I got blamed for being the boring guy who didn’t go anywhere. Mistake #4.

 

Lack of communication rears its ugly head. I am very open....about everything (see honesty above . M tends to bottle things up so I don’t know if I did anything right or wrong at times until she explodes. The time had come for an explosion late in our fourth year. All four mistakes outlined above were relived in all their glory. She decided she needed time alone. We agreed to split and assess the damage. I followed the next day with a very deep letter of my assessment and how I would fix this, solve that, etc.

 

We got back together within two weeks and I addressed the mistakes and worked hard at wiping the slate clean. She was in love once again and I had arranged for an enjoyable cruise in the coming months. Following the cruise we discussed bumping the relationship status to the next level...the move in. Timing was good and her girlfriend, P, was going to rent out her condo. M needed a new car, so I loaned her money to buy one with the understanding that she would pay me back on a monthly basis. One thing I didn’t like was that M constantly mentioned my neatness and that the move in would never work out between us. Perhaps, but if two people love each other, why should such a trivial issue get in the way? M moved in and I was neat and she was, well, not. I didn’t mind...much. I did however comment on what I felt were very simple things to fix...picking up clothing, not piling dirty dishes everywhere, etc. It felt like a mother-child relationship at times, but it didn’t bother me all that much and I was very polite about it. I was simply trying to help. Oops. Mistake #1.

 

Next up, the move in items. She had mounds of stuff to bring over (I don’t know how she ever fit it in her condo)...boxes and boxes of knick knacks, pictures, etc. I screwed up here. The proper thing to do was to cave and say, sure honey, toss your stuff all over my home. Instead I told her my thoughts, that we should go through the stuff to see what she really wanted to bring. After all, she had most of the rooms in my condo to do anything with, I just wanted the main living room a little bit more my style. Mistake #2.

 

It’s all good though, she moved in and we had a good time...for a few weeks. Then I suspect the reality of the routine began to set in with her. She would work, then go for a run/bike ride, come home around 7, then we’d either make food or go out...ad nauseum. By the time we finished dinner, she was always so tired that she went to bed at 10ish. Not much time to do things with. I didn’t mind too much and relaxed for the remaining few hours of each night. Well, I think she may have expected something more, like an activity together, but with her schedule it was quite difficult for me. I didn’t mind staying up late, but she was always tired. Mistake #3. That just about did it.

 

One night that scared the crap out of me was when she came home after spending time with P at a bar (oddly they were spending more time together...once or twice a week now). M was hammered. I hardly drink but she can hold more than a few. Though something was very wrong here. In the proceeding days it all fell apart. The entire move in lasted a little over a month. I didn’t have a chance to react, to change, to fix. She called me at work and told me she took most of her items and was going to move back to her condo, sharing the space with P. Needless to say I couldn’t concentrate very well the remainder of the day. I felt seriously sleighted. She wouldn’t talk about it, as if it was all my fault.

 

Total time together was about 5 years, 2 months. I was devastated...still am. Begin fix it mode. I wrote another deep letter, especially since I felt so cheated, that I wasn’t given a chance to correct anything....and I wasn’t. I would bend over backwards to correct anything...she had me in the palm of her hand. Those mistakes above were not discussed until she had left me. At this point, I tell her I take the blame for everything. I still would like to be friends, OK? She agrees. After all, she still owed me quite a bit of money for the car...scratch that, she owed me all the money for the car, I hadn’t yet received a payment after several months so I needed to maintain good ties. A few weeks pass. Hey, would you like to try and start all over? She agrees. We start dating all over again. Once a week. Things go well. I occasionally ask about how she is feeling about “us” and she say perhaps there is a chance, she just needed to think about it more. I would get signs, sometimes very difficult to read, but signs that the spark may have been coming back. I met her one night at her place and she was teary eyed saying how she missed me so much and was leaning towards getting back together. I felt great, we may have a chance again. The next few days we talked on the phone, but it sounded like a different person. The disinterest was back, she was more confused than ever. I asked if she wanted to see other people and she said not at the moment, she likes being alone to sort things out (this is later confirmed as total BS). Keep in mind that M is most likely getting advice from her girlfriend, P, now roomy, and I get nothing but bad vibes from her. I often think that P is using M as a wing-girl to help P attract younger guys. Perhaps. I don’t know, but I’ve learned now to expect the unexpected. Occasionally I’d bring up the issue of car payments as I’m starting to get nervous at this point, not seeing any money yet. Perhaps I have no tact, but she’s very sensitive about this and makes me feel like I am fixated on money. I just wanted some assurance, was that so bad...especially after about 5 months of not seeing a dime.

 

M’s birthday was coming up so I said what the hell, I’ll take her out and give her a present. She shows up at my condo fairly plastered. A recurring theme? You bet. She was out again with P before she met me. I am really feeling second rate at this point. This was once a girl who I truly respected and admired. What’s going on here...and more importantly, why do I still love her? Well, she’s very anxious to see her gift and I give it to her (diamond studs). Hardly a reaction. Almost a “that’s it?” type of reaction. Hmm. I let it pass and we go out to dinner and I tell her how I feel about us. We have a good time, she kisses me, gets a little physical, then she says she’s tired and needs to get home....at 9. I’m really hating this now. Logic no longer exists....did it ever? Why am I torturing myself? I let the phone calls pass for a few weeks after that episode. Then I am awoken by phone call early one morning. There is crying and panic on the other end. M got pulled over for a DUI the previous night. I wanted to say “now how many times did I warn you about your drinking/driving habits,” but I didn’t as that wouldn’t have helped anything. Instead, I spent 3 hours on the phone calming her down and telling her everything would be OK; just phone a lawyer for some advice and you will feel better knowing what to expect. She did and later phoned me to say she felt much better but didn’t want it to get out to anyone else. I felt good about this in a way, that I was the first person she had called to talk about her problem. I felt much worse thinking that she was out at a bar, late at night, alone and drunk. Ugh, what a wrenching feeling in my gut. In the next few days we spoke more about the DUI status and how things were looking.

 

More time passed and now to the present. I get a phone call from her, “OMG, my parents found out about my DUI!” We talked about that a bit and how the cat is out of the bag then talked about how each other is doing. I mentioned I finally started to get out more and she immediately responds "I’m seeing someone," then proceeds to describe him and his family. Ugh....again. This feels like the break up all over again, but worse. I tried to shrug it off, but ended saying (in shear frustration) I appreciate you telling me you wanted to be alone in our past conversation, please do me a favor in the future and don’t lie to my face again. “Oh but I didn’t want to hurt you.” Sure you didn’t, just like all this other nonsense going on right?

 

Wow, what a novel. In closing, I don’t see much logic with her decisions. I feel deceived and cheated. I am a genuinely honest guy, hard working, loyal, etc. How can those few mistakes kill a five year relationship? I don’t know. Was it boredom? Immaturity? The roommate? I don’t know. I do know that I need to get on with my life. I need to get the remainder of the money owed to me and move on. Sadly though, even though I know what to do, I can’t yet do it. I miss her terribly. My heart feels like it has been squashed by a steam roller. I am not sure what I am asking, perhaps do I move on or still play the waiting game? Is there still a slight glimmer of hope even though she is seeing someone else?

 

Thanks for reading and happy holidays!

[InLoKo]

I feel for you, I really do. The impression I get, from reading your post, is that she didn't appear to give you very much (or maybe you left those bits out). Al she seems to have done is blame you, use you and dump her problems on you. She doesn't appear to have given you any joy. (Any chance that she's an alcoholic?) She hasn't paid you any of the money she owes you for the car and to say to you, whenever you mention it, that you are very money focussed follows the saying "attack is the best form of defense". She knows she owes that money and she knows you have every right to ask for it, no matter what the relationship. This probably isn't what you want to hear, but going on what you say, you are far better off without her. She obviously cares about herself and her friend far more than you and you deserve much, much better. You shouldn't have to apologise for being the way you are. You want to help her and like to fix things. So what? That's your personality and one of your assets. Someone, one day, will love you for your ability to do that. You need to find someone who loves and appreciates you for being you and all the qualties you bring to a relationship. You sound like a wonderful and caring person. And she doesn't. I'm sorry if that isn't what you want to hear. That's my impression from what you have written. Oh, and if she is going to lose her licence, tell her you'll sell the car for her so that you can recoup your money and you'll calculate what she still owes you and let her know.

[jpwr]

Hi InLoko, I greatly appreciate your feedback. Over the holidays I had a chance to tell a a few family members of the details and all of them concluded the same thing you did. I guess the emotional side in me still wants to be with this person, partly due to the duration and comfort level of our relationship. However, I am now able to better understand and grasp the more logical viewpoint, that things would not work out even if we were to get back together. Once again thank you for your response, it was a tremendous help. I'll hopefully recover the remaining balance owed and then attempt to diplomatically part ways.

[Tahoe_Insomniac]

You know, when you're happy with someone and it ends because of them.... it's one of the hardest things in the world to go through. The pain is sickening.

 

I think that if you feel a bit better as time has gone by ... and perhaps you can now see a point where you can move on, its far better to roll with those emotions. Keep yourself busy, see friends, talk to new people when you meet them... all that stuff really helps.

 

I completely understand what your thoughts are on the comfort of the relationship, and that somewhere in you, you wish it could really work... I'm toying with those feelings myself at the moment after having been let down badly by my girlfriend of nearly 3 years.

 

What gets me through all these feelings is the appreciation that I have loved before her... and I will find love again after her. Doesn't feel possible at the moment, but I'm sure it will be in the future.

 

I'm sure you'll agree though that as long as you see any glimmer of hope in rekindling what you had... and as long as you feel for this person - it will be incredibly hard to give up on. The thing that I didn't like about her - from what you told us - is that she said she wanted space etc... and yet was hanging with someone new... if you're anything like me, well, that kind of stuff really annoys me. I much prefer truth (no matter how hard to take) over any kind of deception.

 

I have found myself using points like that - where I have been lied to - to get over it. Its easy to remember the really good times and forget the bad times... but you have to include those memories too because otherwise we would hang on too much.

 

Perhaps I'm a hypocrite... ? Like I said before - I have been let down in the worst possible way - in a way that most people would never turn back from, but I'm still looking for a way back. That leads me to say (albeit - a very romantic point of view) that if you really want to make it happen and think it can happen, go for it! But I think that in your own mind you now have it figured out... moving on is probably best ... and once you start thinking that way... it only gets easier.

 

I hope you manage to find happiness soon. I don't expect it will come overnight. But remember, and take solace, from the fact that there are people who know how you feel and who are wishing good things for themselves and for you.

 

All the best.