I broke NC! ..with good reason!!

[Ms. Joolie]

I am just in shock mode. I want to put this on LS because it gives me a chance to get it out of my head, share it with others who can relate, and get much appreciated input/thoughts/feedback/criticism/tough love/wisdom/comments.... lol

 

I broke NC, really broke NC, I had to. Let me explain.

 

From my break up with the ex in September until yesterday I was on such a great streak. I kept pushing forward, kept coping, kept telling myself I wasn't going back, kept doing what I had to do to move on with my life.

 

I stayed busy, really busy, and eventually met someone that asked me out. Wasn't looking to date right away, but it just happened. That someone was a very special someone. We got along great. I was falling fast for him. We were going to spend the night together yesterday, just cuz it felt so right.

 

But let me back up. Friday. On Friday I went shopping. I wanted to look cute and fresh for my date, so I bought a new purse and some great fitting jeans. But I was angry. I was really feeling angry as I was shopping around for my date. I was blazing angry with my ex!! I couldn't believe I had to go through the whole dating thing with a new person!

 

What happened to T? What happened to all our talks about living together, what happened to us? Wasn't he the one I was suppose to be with? Wasn't he the one that I had hoped and prayed to be my husband? Why then, WHY do I have to date someone else?

 

I literally had to yell out in thin air at my ex, I was so angry at him. "WHY?? I HATE YOU! WHY DO I HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS?" I felt such anger!

 

So Saturday, the day of the second date, I was on my way to meet up with my date.

 

I broke NC.

 

I sent my ex a text, but I was determined to not be angry toward him. After all, the failed relationship was my fault really.

 

My text:

"Hope ur well.. Sometimes I think of u and don't know what to do about that... So just wishing you well."

 

That seemed to vent off the steam a bit. I was glad I wasn't outrageously angry toward him although I REALLY WANTED to just call him and yell at him!!

 

About five hours later her replies:

"Good way to put it, i feel the same. Goodnight"

 

whew.

 

I know. This is long. BUT I HAVE TO VENT. lol

 

I had a great second date, but I tossed and turned all night. Sunday morning I woke up a little depressed. I broke NC again. I sent two texts Sunday morning to the ex:

 

Text #1:

"I'm scared. My heart is so dedicated to u. Is hard moving on but feel there's no going back. U meant so much to me. Peace is all i want w/ u to move on"

 

Text #2, six minutes later:

"Try to ignore you.. Ur email, ur text.. And now I just explode. That's all this is. I think."

 

I didn't hear from him again. Sunday I met up with my date and we spend all day together, and wanted to spend the night together, too.

 

I COULDN'T DO IT! I couldn't give myself to someone else! I need to talk to my ex. I need to hear him say that we have to move on, that he doesn't want this relationship!

 

So I've emailed him this morning, practically begging that we talk later. He said I can call him after 9 tonight.

 

WHAT AM I GOING TO SAY??? lol. I'm going to pour my heart out. Brainstorming on what I'm going to say.

 

 

.... the main point is to get him to tell me that it's over. OR.... shrug.... or what? Is it possible to renew our relationship? What if he doesn't want it over? What next? I DON'T KNOW.

 

BUT I'M CALLING THE EX TONIGHT AND I'M JUST FLIPPING OUT.

 

 

LS, save me.

[Ms. Joolie]

And since I broke NC I've been breaking NC all over. I checked out his Twitter page... went to check out the sites he posts on.

 

Don't think he's dating anyone new.... not steadily anyway.

 

I'm going to make an idiot out of myself tonight and I DON'T CARE. MY HEART'S AT STAKE!! lol

[worldcavedin]

dont phone him, just let him wonder why you never phoned and if he calls you, let it ring out ignore it

 

and when he calls tomorrow asking why you never phoned as agreed just say you were out/busy/forgot all about to call.

 

he wont like it and it sends out a message that you too can have a life without him

 

good luck

 

I am just in shock mode. I want to put this on LS because it gives me a chance to get it out of my head, share it with others who can relate, and get much appreciated input/thoughts/feedback/criticism/tough love/wisdom/comments.... lol

 

I broke NC, really broke NC, I had to. Let me explain.

 

From my break up with the ex in September until yesterday I was on such a great streak. I kept pushing forward, kept coping, kept telling myself I wasn't going back, kept doing what I had to do to move on with my life.

 

I stayed busy, really busy, and eventually met someone that asked me out. Wasn't looking to date right away, but it just happened. That someone was a very special someone. We got along great. I was falling fast for him. We were going to spend the night together yesterday, just cuz it felt so right.

 

But let me back up. Friday. On Friday I went shopping. I wanted to look cute and fresh for my date, so I bought a new purse and some great fitting jeans. But I was angry. I was really feeling angry as I was shopping around for my date. I was blazing angry with my ex!! I couldn't believe I had to go through the whole dating thing with a new person!

 

What happened to T? What happened to all our talks about living together, what happened to us? Wasn't he the one I was suppose to be with? Wasn't he the one that I had hoped and prayed to be my husband? Why then, WHY do I have to date someone else?

 

I literally had to yell out in thin air at my ex, I was so angry at him. "WHY?? I HATE YOU! WHY DO I HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS?" I felt such anger!

 

So Saturday, the day of the second date, I was on my way to meet up with my date.

 

I broke NC.

 

I sent my ex a text, but I was determined to not be angry toward him. After all, the failed relationship was my fault really.

 

My text:

"Hope ur well.. Sometimes I think of u and don't know what to do about that... So just wishing you well."

 

That seemed to vent off the steam a bit. I was glad I wasn't outrageously angry toward him although I REALLY WANTED to just call him and yell at him!!

 

About five hours later her replies:

"Good way to put it, i feel the same. Goodnight"

 

whew.

 

I know. This is long. BUT I HAVE TO VENT. lol

 

I had a great second date, but I tossed and turned all night. Sunday morning I woke up a little depressed. I broke NC again. I sent two texts Sunday morning to the ex:

 

Text #1:

"I'm scared. My heart is so dedicated to u. Is hard moving on but feel there's no going back. U meant so much to me. Peace is all i want w/ u to move on"

 

Text #2, six minutes later:

"Try to ignore you.. Ur email, ur text.. And now I just explode. That's all this is. I think."

 

I didn't hear from him again. Sunday I met up with my date and we spend all day together, and wanted to spend the night together, too.

 

I COULDN'T DO IT! I couldn't give myself to someone else! I need to talk to my ex. I need to hear him say that we have to move on, that he doesn't want this relationship!

 

So I've emailed him this morning, practically begging that we talk later. He said I can call him after 9 tonight.

 

WHAT AM I GOING TO SAY??? lol. I'm going to pour my heart out. Brainstorming on what I'm going to say.

 

 

.... the main point is to get him to tell me that it's over. OR.... shrug.... or what? Is it possible to renew our relationship? What if he doesn't want it over? What next? I DON'T KNOW.

 

BUT I'M CALLING THE EX TONIGHT AND I'M JUST FLIPPING OUT.

 

 

LS, save me.

[EricaH329]

OK, ok... calm down.

 

First things first. It's normal to be angry with your ex. Whether you are the dumper, or dumpee... i'm almost positive that both have anger towards their ex at some point. BUT... you cannot let it get the best of you. Use it to move on.

 

I understand that you thought you were going to spend forever with this man, I thought I would spend forever with my ex also. It hurts that it doesn't work out like that, but you need to realize just that. That sometimes things don't work out the way you expect. And that's ok. It builds character. And it also teaches a valuable lessen.

 

Second, it's alright to not be ready to give yourself to someone else. Don't be angry with yourself, or your ex for that. I actually think that's the best time! You get to focus on yourself and learn more about yourself. Things you would more than likely not be doing if you were out dating. Try and see the positive through all of this. Once you begin doing that, you'll be surprised at how many other things you begin to see in a positive light.

 

As far as talking to your ex goes... maybe this is what you need. Maybe you need to hear whatever he has to say, and take it for what it's worth. I wouldn't set any expectations though. You don't know what's going to happen. What you do know, though, is that you are READY to move on. You are doing this for some sort of closure you feel is necessary. USE THAT to your advantage! Spill your guts, tell him everything you've been wanting to tell him, get it all out and KNOW that you have told your ex everything that's been brewing up inside of you.

 

I promise you, after you let it all out, he won't even need to say anything. You'll feel much better already.

 

Also, make sure this is the last time you do this. This isn't something that should be an on-going thing. This is to help you, not hold you back.

 

Try to relax right now. Take a few really deep breaths and begin sorting out your emotions. Try to figure out what you are going to say to him, and how you are going to say it. I would stay as calm as possible, and let the words just flow. When reacting to something he says, try and remain calm. No matter what it is. Remember... this is being done for beneficial purposes ONLY. Not to get him back, not to berate him or antagonize him.

 

Keep us updated! I will be looking forward to hearing about what happened.

[EricaH329]

dont phone him, just let him wonder why you never phoned and if he calls you, let it ring out ignore it

 

and when he calls tomorrow asking why you never phoned as agreed just say you were out/busy/forgot all about to call.

 

he wont like it and it sends out a message that you too can have a life without him

 

good luck

 

Games are never fun to play, and it usually backfires. I'd personally suggest taking a more adult approach about this situation since you are already in such a fragile state.

[Ms. Joolie]

dont phone him, just let him wonder why you never phoned and if he calls you, let it ring out ignore it

 

and when he calls tomorrow asking why you never phoned as agreed just say you were out/busy/forgot all about to call.

 

he wont like it and it sends out a message that you too can have a life without him

 

good luck

 

 

I have to call him now, I said I would. I ran away from him, never confronted him again. He wanted to date someone else, so I thought, and so I ran away like a coward. I didn't want to lose him.....

 

So I need to face him tonight....well, on the phone anyway.

 

It's going to be a make it or break it conversation. Everything will be out on the table. He's not a bad guy. Lots of things will get resolved. In other words, instead of running away, I will communicate with him like I was suppose to in the beginning.

 

I need this conversation, even if he just tells me it's over

 

I'm going to tell him that I can't move on without him telling me it's ok.

 

 

Yes. Seriously.

 

He has my heart and I want it back. I need it back to move on. I just need him to tell me it's over and I'll take my heart back and move on, really move on.

 

Thought I was moving along fine but then THIS came up.

[TaraMaiden]

Meh...

I have just read your post three times....

I'm sorry, I can't work it out....

 

What's the 'good reason'....?

 

Can't see it myself...

 

Though if I was your 'current squeeze', I could think of a good reason to suspend the potential relationship, because I'm not into being the 'rebound boy'.....

 

So, this self-sabotaging....

feels good, but feels bad, because the good is just bad in disguise, really.... right?

[McGrupp]

when it rains it pours...

[worldcavedin]

Games are never fun to play, and it usually backfires. I'd personally suggest taking a more adult approach about this situation since you are already in such a fragile state.

 

it is not a game it is telling them that you dont need them anymore and why would you ever want to tell them how you feel so they can use it to make themselves feel good.

[EricaH329]

it is not a game it is telling them that you dont need them anymore and why would you ever want to tell them how you feel so they can use it to make themselves feel good.

 

It is a game when you are feeling strongly about something, and not acting on it only to prove to someone else that you are not, in fact, feeling what you are feeling. If that makes sense. Considered playing games.

 

Just because you say "I don't need you in my life." doesn't mean that's how you feel. You are lying. You are trying to prove yourself to be something you aren't.

[worldcavedin]

You do not need to do anything for him and by doing this and saying what you are going to say wil just give him the power to do whatever he wants with you, doormat and **** like that.

dont phone him, you are feeling to emotional

let him stew, he has you by the balls

 

I have to call him now, I said I would. I ran away from him, never confronted him again. He wanted to date someone else, so I thought, and so I ran away like a coward. I didn't want to lose him.....

 

So I need to face him tonight....well, on the phone anyway.

 

It's going to be a make it or break it conversation. Everything will be out on the table. He's not a bad guy. Lots of things will get resolved. In other words, instead of running away, I will communicate with him like I was suppose to in the beginning.

 

I need this conversation, even if he just tells me it's over

 

I'm going to tell him that I can't move on without him telling me it's ok.

 

 

Yes. Seriously.

 

He has my heart and I want it back. I need it back to move on. I just need him to tell me it's over and I'll take my heart back and move on, really move on.

 

Thought I was moving along fine but then THIS came up.

[worldcavedin]

It is a game when you are feeling strongly about something, and not acting on it only to prove to someone else that you are not, in fact, feeling what you are feeling. If that makes sense. Considered playing games.

 

Just because you say "I don't need you in my life." doesn't mean that's how you feel. You are lying. You are trying to prove yourself to be something you aren't.

 

in that context, then life is a game as we all do and say things that we dont like/feel in every aspect of life

 

like go to work, put up with obnoxious work mates etc.

 

Im only saying dont pour out all your insecurities/issues/feelings to anyone when you have broke up as in most times it just pushes them away.

 

It is the same in all life, like if you go to work/party wherever and there is someone sitting sad, you say cheer up then move on and eventually if you keep seeing this sad person you end up saying to youself, there is that saddo and you end up just ignoring them

[EricaH329]

in that context, then life is a game as we all do and say things that we dont like/feel in every aspect of life

 

like go to work, put up with obnoxious work mates etc.

 

Yes, but if you have the choice of being up front, or the choice of playing games... wouldn't you want to be honest? There is already so much crap that we put up with on an every day basis, when it comes to something you have the ability to change (or express) wouldn't you take advantage of that?

 

Im only saying dont pour out all your insecurities/issues/feelings to anyone when you have broke up as in most times it just pushes them away.

 

I think expressing the way that you feel (especially if somethings been bothering you) is a very healthy way of not only getting it all out, but recognizing your feelings.

 

However, there are some situations where I would not agree with that sort of thing. For example... if you've contacted your ex a few times already basically saying the same thing over and over again... that is not healthy. You would be just wallowing in self pity at that point.

 

I believe that if used correctly, it could be extremely beneficial to you. I say this from experience.

 

I do not believe she should be doing this to get him back, but more so for a type of closure. I found it very, very helpful to get everything off of my chest once I explained everything to my ex. Felt like a weight being lifted off of my shoulders.

 

EDIT: I forgot to mention that when expressing your feelings to someone, it shouldn't be with the intention of keeping them or pushing them away. It should be with the intention of letting the other person know what is going on with you. When you begin to start saying things and doing things for another person (to get them to react in a certain way) you are not being true to yourself, which inevitably leads to becoming confused and unaware of who you are.

Edited December 21, 2009 by EricaH329

[Ms. Joolie]

Meh...

I have just read your post three times....

I'm sorry, I can't work it out....

 

What's the 'good reason'....?

 

Can't see it myself...

 

Though if I was your 'current squeeze', I could think of a good reason to suspend the potential relationship, because I'm not into being the 'rebound boy'.....

 

So, this self-sabotaging....

feels good, but feels bad, because the good is just bad in disguise, really.... right?

 

The 'current squeeze' doesn't know he had this affect on me. It just happened, and we will talk about it. I've told him everything... he's very good with opening up people. It's scary. lol. He's the one who made me take a look at myself and see that I'm carrying baggage with me in regards to this past relationship.

 

So you see, it isn't about running back to the ex. It's about doing what I have to do to resolve this story of mine. Because as it was, I could only take it so far with the 'new man'. It was terribly obvious in my mind that things were unresolved with my ex.

 

I am confronting my ex tonight, and my good reason is so that I can finally bring the closure that is needed to move on.

 

We've never really broken up. I ran away. I pushed him away and called that a break up. It just wasn't right. He accepted it and now 3 months later we're just where we are at. lol.

 

I need a mutual break up. So I'll see what happens tonight

[Ms. Joolie]

when it rains it pours...

 

ha. yeah, I'm like that. I just explode. I'm realizing this pattern I have and want to correct it.

 

It really isn't fun holding onto stuff too long anyway. I just need to let it out as needed.

 

A big part of what I do is bottle up the negative stuff and put it on a shelf. For later. LOL. Just cuz.

 

And then I explode! I'm only just learning to deal with negative stuff as it comes, or rather, just dealing with life as it comes and not letting stuff build up like this. This whole issue with the ex should have been dealt with a long time ago, but I was way too positive in moving on and didn't want to deal with the real situation.

 

Ah... valuable life lesson #459687654.

[Ms. Joolie]

Im only saying dont pour out all your insecurities/issues/feelings to anyone when you have broke up as in most times it just pushes them away.

 

It is the same in all life, like if you go to work/party wherever and there is someone sitting sad, you say cheer up then move on and eventually if you keep seeing this sad person you end up saying to youself, there is that saddo and you end up just ignoring them

 

You are bringing up a very good point. I DON'T want to spill my guts to the ex. That's just sad, sloppy and pathetic.

 

What I DO want to do is communicate myself the way I have to. I do need to think about what I need to communicate though, as there is something very important that I need to communicate.

 

So thank you for bringing this up. You are right. I don't want to just pour myself out aimlessly.

[Ms. Joolie]

EDIT: I forgot to mention that when expressing your feelings to someone, it shouldn't be with the intention of keeping them or pushing them away. It should be with the intention of letting the other person know what is going on with you. When you begin to start saying things and doing things for another person (to get them to react in a certain way) you are not being true to yourself, which inevitably leads to becoming confused and unaware of who you are.

 

Erica, your input is different. LOL. I love everybody's input because it makes me think and so I respond with those thoughts. Their thoughts help my thoughts so to say. I noticed that I wasn't this thinking machine trying to process your message though - with each one of your posts. It's like I was listening. There is something soothing in your style. Anyway, just thought that was remarkable.

 

What you said above is excellent. That is EXACTLY what I need to do. I just want T to know what's up with me, I want to share that.

 

So you help me in my focus in what I need to communicate. I'll post it here to air it out of course. Just need to think on it. lol

[EricaH329]

Erica, your input is different. LOL. I love everybody's input because it makes me think and so I respond with those thoughts. Their thoughts help my thoughts so to say. I noticed that I wasn't this thinking machine trying to process your message though - with each one of your posts. It's like I was listening. There is something soothing in your style. Anyway, just thought that was remarkable.

 

What you said above is excellent. That is EXACTLY what I need to do. I just want T to know what's up with me, I want to share that.

 

So you help me in my focus in what I need to communicate. I'll post it here to air it out of course. Just need to think on it. lol

 

Thank you!

 

I know exactly what you are going through, and so I completely understand it. It helped me in ways that I cannot express. I really hope you get the same out of it that I did.

 

The best peice of advice that I can give you right now, is to not expect anything to come out of this on his part. You should be doing this for yourself, which I believe is the case or I wouldn't have posted.

 

No matter what happens, what is discussed or what is not discussed, you should be able to sleep better at night knowing that you've opened yourself up and allowed your emotions (and thoughts) to be expressed towards the correct person.

 

It helped me greatly to get things off of my chest, and I didn't even really pay any mind to what his response was (to be honest). I was more concerned about letting this man know what i've been through, am going through, and hope to accomplish from all of it. Even if he wasn't listening.

 

I hope you update this thread as often as possible. I'd really like to know how you are doing and what is going on. I feel invested in this .

[Ms. Joolie]

THIS IS WHAT I NEED TO SAY:

 

(just not so point blank)

 

* I ran away. I couldn't deal with the thought of you wanting to date another woman. If it was over, then just let it be over. I never even heard your explanation. I don't even know what you said, or if I was right in my interpretation of what you said. I just ran away because I was afraid, and weak.

 

* I've done well in moving on with my life and pretending that I don't care. It wasn't until I had a date that I realized how unresolved I am with you.

 

* I am calling you tonight because I need to hear it's over. My ego couldn't take it before, but now I need to hear it.

 

* It's like you are there on my dates. Every time we stop seeing each other, I want YOU. I can't move on, really, because we've never really communicated that the relationship is over like I needed. Either that or I've never accepted it. I don't know. Our whole on/off relationship for 3 years just leaves me expecting that we'll be on again.

 

* I just need to hear that it's over. My heart needs to understand that. I know it sounds silly but I can't date anyone else because you have my heart still.

 

 

.................... I don't know, LS. I don't know. This is all just sloppy. But I feel that I want my heart back, and that's the only way I can accurately phrase it. I've had my head all along telling me that it was over and taking me along that path. I had so much motivation. I really believed my head.

 

But then when confronted with a new romantic situation, I didn't have my heart with me. I want my heart! He has my heart!

 

How do you get that back? If he doesn't want it, I want it back. I need it back. I want to give my heart/my love to someone who wants it.

 

Wait a minute.

 

This is just something I haven't done. I haven't taken my heart back. I'm not going to tell him I need my heart back... oh gosh, how embarrassing. But that's what I'm trying to do, trying to communicate, trying to accomplish!

 

I don't need to give my heart to him. I can give my heart to someone else, and be happy.

 

whew.

 

brainstorming. just brainstorming.

Edited December 22, 2009 by Ms. Joolie

[Ms. Joolie]

It helped me greatly to get things off of my chest, and I didn't even really pay any mind to what his response was (to be honest). I was more concerned about letting this man know what i've been through, am going through, and hope to accomplish from all of it. Even if he wasn't listening.

 

Just yes, yes yes yes yes! Exactly that. Open, honest communication... real communication. Just like that. Saying what I need to say, not minding what he's thinking, but saying what I need to say!

 

 

I hope you update this thread as often as possible. I'd really like to know how you are doing and what is going on. I feel invested in this .

 

Oh I will. It's so helpful in the whole process. I love LS and everybody in it. Don't know that I'll be back to this thread tonight, but I'll be back tomorrow!

[GrayClouds]

I do wish you the best but we will be here when the pain returns.

[Ms. Joolie]

I do wish you the best but we will be here when the pain returns.

ouch. yeah, thanks for keeping it real, GC. kinda feels like i'm facing my execution now. but it's exciting cuz i just want to get to the other side.

[LovelyDaze]

Hey Ms. Joolie,

 

Let me relate a similar situation.

 

Just last week I posted that my ex dumped his new fiancee on a Wed, BEGGED and PLEADED for another chance with me on Thursday, THEN got back with his fiancee on FRIDAY.

 

Stupid as hell, right?

 

Whatever you do...PLEASE take whatever your ex's response to your planned conversation for what it is.

If you feel deep in your heart, mind and soul that he doesn't give a damn...then you are absolutely right.

 

If out of the conversation he wants to "work things out" BUYER BEWARE.

 

Like I said, My ex layered the sweetness on so thick that my teeth still hurt from the sugar!

This is a game I don't want you to end up playing in. Have the talk, hope it gives you the world's greatest closure, then leave him alone. No texting. No calling.

If deep,deep, and I mean DEEP down in your soul, you hope to get back together with him...don't lie. Tell him so that you can see the look on his face and the real reaction he will give you. Hesitation and silence speaks louder than any words can. Good luck.

[mike5770]

The minute you break nc it is like being a recovering drug addict rationalizing just doing a line...Thats the way it is with me anyway I dont bother tring to text because I know she will not return it. I am such a bad guy all I did was be generous, caring, and attentive to her and she rewards me by never contacting me again not even a talk to say goodbye. Sorry just ranting...I hope it workd out, I cant text her anymore it would be like putting my head out there to be punched.

[Ms. Joolie]

The deed is done, and now a new process of coping can begin. I needed that conversation with the ex, it was a good thing to do and I did it.

 

It's just all been so incredible. I was truly coping the best way I knew how, and so proud of not wanting to call him or email him or respond to him or look him up on the internet. Yet the instant things got intimate with a new person, I had to go running back to the ex. Something wasn't right, something wasn't resolved... I couldn't move on like that. It felt so unfair to my new relationship to have unresolved feelings for my ex.

 

Confronting my ex about this was difficult but neccesary, and very rewarding. I got what I got out of it, and I wouldn't take it back. As I mentioned, we didn't have a very good break up. I, again, ran away from something I didn't want to face. That darn pattern of mine! I run away from life instead of dealing with it. Run away from reality and go to the next 'happy place' and hide what's really happening, what's really in front of me. It's completely non-confrontational. I need to make it a point not to do this. I need to address all the things in my life without running away.

 

So I had to confront him, at last. I had to listen to him, talk to him, discuss things with him. I had to communicate what was not being communicated and resolve what had not been resolved. Thanks to putting on here on LS and everyone's input, I felt more focused and got a lot more out of that conversation. I didn't spill my guts aimlessly and we did have excellent communication.

 

Okay, so what happened? sigh.

 

We discussed what happened, how we broke up. It's true that I ran away. It's true that he only wanted my assurance that I would stick around, but didn't get it. I ran away! It's true that he didn't really want to date anyone else, that he never even saw that person again. So, yes, all this trouble is because I ran away instead of communicating things with him. why oh why must I learn the hard way! lol

 

We spoke about our dating lives right now, and where we're at. He told me he's seeing someone. He said he doesn't see her very much but he likes her of course. He doesn't get a whole lot of time with her because she has two kids and that keeps her busy. But he's okay with that. He said that it's not like when he was with me, and he wanted to see me all the time. So that was nice, even if I felt sick that he was in fact in a relationship with someone.

 

I told him about what happened, what made me call him. I let him know that I can't make love to any other man. I let him know he had my heart. He said I have his heart, too.

 

This is where it got difficult. We spent over an hour on the phone, and a lot of that was dealing with what we should do now. As he put it, it's like I wanted to put things in a box and resolve it in the phone call and he just wants to let things be. I can't just let things be! I need a plan. I knew that if I didn't have some kind of resolve, or game plan, I couldn't deal with the seperation. I wouldn't know how to handle it.

 

What was important for me was letting him understand that he has my heart, and that if he doesn't want it then I want my heart back. And I DID end up saying it just like that. He understood. When I started going off about taking my heart back, he got a little emotional. I then asked him sincerely if he wanted my love. There was silence. He didn't answer yes or no.

 

That's basically it in a nutshell. He doesn't really want to let go and neither do I. I don't know what he got from the conversation but I got myself into a new place, a better place about everything. I communicated all I had to communicate, said all I needed to say. I mean, it went perfect. My mind is clear and I made up my own resolve.

 

So is it over? ugh. Well, I don't know what he's going to do about this. I expect nothing else from this. We did speak about seeing each other again, but the only thing stopping that was his current relationship. He admitted it wasn't anything serious, they had only started seeing each other, and he wouldn't tell me if they were having sex or not. lol. Because I had to ask that, had to know.. if they were having sex I wouldn't touch him. But he wouldn't tell me so I just, of course, assume they are. I can't break that up. He can do that if he wants to but I won't ask that of him.

 

My resolve then is to be at peace. I've done all I can do, said all I had to say. We communicated. Now I am at a better place than I was last week, or just yesterday. I don't know if the relationship is over, but I expect nothing. I will continue to live single, to be without him, and move forward.

 

Honestly, I wonder what he's going to do, even if I expect nothing. I told him he has my heart, so what's he going to do now? I told him I want my heart back. I even told him I was giving him his heart back. So in that way, yes, we are resolved. We have our hearts back and our romantic relationship came to a close.

 

I have my heart back, and I feel that my heart is on the same page as my head now. It's great. Who cares what happens tomorrow? I confronted my past and resovled it. It's only NOW now, and a whole future in front of me. Whether or not he wants to be in it will or will not happen.

 

So I'm wondering what he's going to do but expect nothing. I think it's ok to re-establish NC. Surely I won't be contacting him now again... I have absolutely no good reason to at the moment AND I feel I don't have to anymore.

 

So that phone call ended. I am content. Actually, who knows when or how we would have ended it. We didn't even say a proper goodbye. My cell phone's battery was low and cut us off. He called me back and I had just enough battery to get a few more words in.

 

 

Him: (lightheartedly) "That was my most awkward conversation since high school!"

Me: (quite content) "You're welcome"

 

 

And so the battery couldn't wait anymore. It gave us all it had and was then forced to let us both go.