I broke NC! ..with good reason!!

[EricaH329]

I am so so soooooo happy for you!!! I'm glad you got what you could out of it, and are now able to ease your mind.

 

I just knew this was going to be good for you. I do want to say, though, that you may relapse. You will still feel hurt from time to time, but it'll feel a little better knowing that you gave it all you could, and you've expressed yourself to the best of your ability.

 

You are going to start learning so much about yourself! Just remember to stay positive and you'll enjoy every minute of it!

[Ms. Joolie]

What's a little difficult is that I'm thinking about all we said. I'm going to go over that a bit in my head.

 

And then my new love interest sent me a text this morning. I feel so needy. I just want him to hold me since my ex couldn't make up his mind. I just need that touch, that loving. ugh. Disaster alert! The tragedy was allowing that intimacy on Sunday, but then running back to my ex.

 

The ex...

 

Dear T,

 

Thanks for listening last night. I guess I just was scared with my new relationship, scared to give away that intimacy when I felt so unresolved with you. It's like there's this acceptance that needs to be made before I move on. I need to accept that it's okay to love someone else.

 

I didn't want to love someone else. But I guess there is no choice at the moment. Like you, I'm not going to be alone.

 

I want to put my heart into a new relationship, and I hope you do the same. We couldn't make up our minds on what to do last night, and that's heartbreaking. We weren't decisive. Love is decisive, isn't it? I will accept this then and move on.

 

I'm not sad, just a little numb, but happy to be working at this resolve. I want to move on with my life! But at the same time I realize that I can't run away from it.

 

Sincerely.

 

...................

 

Yep. It's difficult. Acceptance is difficult. New coping days ahead.

[EricaH329]

I understand your need for intimacy. Trust me I do. But if you allow yourself to become intimate with this new guy, in the state you are in, you will soon find out that you aren't craving intimacy with just anyone.

 

You are craving intimacy with him.

 

And those two things are most certainly not the same. You will be disappointed.

 

Right now, you should try and focus on yourself. Focus on your emotions and your feelings, and learning how to work through them and understand them better.

 

You are very, very correct in saying that new coping days lay ahead. You will be coping in a very different way than you were before. A much more healthy way of coping with things.

 

You are not alone through this. I, as well as all the other wonderful LSers, will be here to walk you through this. Don't become overwhelmed. Don't allow yourself to wallow in whatever may come. Take it one day at a time and I know for sure that you will come out the other end just fine! Even better than before

[HeavenOrHell]

Has it truly resolved anything though? If my ex said his heart is still with me (mine is with him too) then I would not be able to move on

What I read between the lines in this message (but I could be wrong) is that you hope he might be jealous you're seeing someone else and come running back, but maybe I think that because I wish that would happen to me.

 

 

What's a little difficult is that I'm thinking about all we said. I'm going to go over that a bit in my head.

 

And then my new love interest sent me a text this morning. I feel so needy. I just want him to hold me since my ex couldn't make up his mind. I just need that touch, that loving. ugh. Disaster alert! The tragedy was allowing that intimacy on Sunday, but then running back to my ex.

 

The ex...

 

Dear T,

 

Thanks for listening last night. I guess I just was scared with my new relationship, scared to give away that intimacy when I felt so unresolved with you. It's like there's this acceptance that needs to be made before I move on. I need to accept that it's okay to love someone else.

 

I didn't want to love someone else. But I guess there is no choice at the moment. Like you, I'm not going to be alone.

 

I want to put my heart into a new relationship, and I hope you do the same. We couldn't make up our minds on what to do last night, and that's heartbreaking. We weren't decisive. Love is decisive, isn't it? I will accept this then and move on.

 

I'm not sad, just a little numb, but happy to be working at this resolve. I want to move on with my life! But at the same time I realize that I can't run away from it.

 

Sincerely.

 

...................

 

Yep. It's difficult. Acceptance is difficult. New coping days ahead.

[Ms. Joolie]

Has it truly resolved anything though? If my ex said his heart is still with me (mine is with him too) then I would not be able to move on

What I read between the lines in this message (but I could be wrong) is that you hope he might be jealous you're seeing someone else and come running back, but maybe I think that because I wish that would happen to me.

 

whew. yeah. the whole heart thing. When he said that all time stood still. There was a definite pause. We don't know what to do with this. We KNOW we want each other, want to be with each other... we admit this. He said that it's the silliest things that keep us apart. He said that most people would think we were nuts staying apart when we want each other so much and NOTHING REALLY IS STOPPING US FROM THAT. ugh. The only thing is our minds... the past... the past experiences with each other. So we don't do it. We don't run to each other because we hesitate, due to the past. And now, it's like, well we 'can' create a future but are we?

 

And you are right. I do want him to feel that jealousy. I want to get the message across, something like "Hey I love you! There's someone else now! I will be intimate with him! Is this okay with you? Do I do this? Are we really over then?"

 

So, yes, I want SO MUCH to make it loud and clear that I'm loving someone else..... "wake up! I'm leaving you!" lol. ah... and if he doesn't want me enough to care, if he lets me go now.... then I'll know. Then it's ok, it's just time to move on.

[Ms. Joolie]

Okay, did something kinda stooopid. Love is really, really silly sometimes.

 

I sent the ex an email this morning. Because I just CAN'T move on if he still loves me, and I still love him. It's a cruel little email. I'll post it here, but somebody for god's sakes knock some sense in me about this!

 

What did I just do??? Truly I need to re-establish NC. But at the same time, I'm risking making a complete idiot out of myself in the hopes of cutting every single last thread to this relationship!

 

The Email:

 

Thank you for a good talk last night. I needed to see the bigger picture on all this, needed your input. We are both in new relationships, and I didn't want mine to suffer anymore because of my love for you.

 

I was just scared with really, truly, emotionally moving on from you. I am scared. I needed to address this with you because the current guy is asking more from me. I wasn't ready because I still felt in love with you, still desired you, and really needed to resolve this before moving on.

 

I'm not trying to hurt you or make you jealous, this is just how it is. I need you to know that I'm moving on. I want that to be okay. Because somewhere in there is a hesitancy that has stopped me, made me turn around and address it. I just don't want that hesitancy to be because you still love me. Because if you truly do I'd turn around and just love you, ask nothing from you, and just love only you.

 

I need you to know this. Do what you will, say what you'll say, or nothing.... I need to address this and say these things for myself, for my own sake, for the sake of that love that I believe in.

[Ms. Joolie]

New Email, 2nd one this morning:

 

Truly I've flipped out. It was so much to handle this past weekend, facing this new relationship. I'm sorry. I'm using and abusing you. I'll stop. Please let all these silly words just slide off your mind and forget it all... ok? I apologize and wish you the best in life. You do know that I hope.... best wishes.

oh, and also, it's hard taking your random text/emails/whatever every two weeks. I really wish you wouldn't do that. May make me flip out again, k? lol. Thanks.

[HeavenOrHell]

I would have sent the first e-mail but not the second

I wouldn't contact him again now hun, see if contacts you.

If only all this were easy.

I feel you're lucky because he still loves you, my ex only loves me as a friend now, ugh.

I truly hope you can both work things out

[leap83]

Ms. Joolie, not to sound harsh or anything but I believe your phone call didn't really resolve anything. No offense. You are back to square one. You're dealing with the same feelings/patterns. I have re-read the whole topic. You said that after the phone convo, you would leave it be. Why aren't you following through with it?

 

I know this whole thing is confusing. I was there before. However, now, the ball is in his court. You said what you had to say. He listened. He knows all of your cards inside and out right now. Let it be now. Give him a week or so and let it be. If he truly wants to be with you, he will call you. Trust me on this.

 

I wish I could give you some comforting words, because God only knows I needed them when I was *stuck*. But don't text him anymore or call him. It's better. Move on. You can do it. You really can.

[Ms. Joolie]

Ms. Joolie, not to sound harsh or anything but I believe your phone call didn't really resolve anything. No offense. You are back to square one. You're dealing with the same feelings/patterns. I have re-read the whole topic. You said that after the phone convo, you would leave it be. Why aren't you following through with it?

 

Well it's clearing up now...

 

What happened was I was having a great date, and then all of a sudden I start thinking about my ex. This has happened before, and it stops me from moving on with my date. These same thoughts stop me from moving on with my romantic life.

 

My sappy desires for my ex, totally ungrounded in reality perhaps, are so engrained in my head, but so hidden. They only come out when I want a new relationship, when I'm ready to really begin a romantic, intimate relationship with someone new.

 

It drives me crazy, and this really is just a reaction to those thoughts.... to my thoughts! I had to air them out, I had to get honest with myself about them, and now I've shared them with the whole world on the net AND with the ex. Am totally making an idiot of myself for the sake of relieving those thoughts.

 

It's working.

 

 

If he truly wants to be with you, he will call you. Trust me on this.

 

It's hitting home now that he doesn't really want to be with me. lol. He would have called a long time ago and not let 3 months passed by. I asked for this, I really did. This whole failed relationship is my disaster and I'm just not accepting it like I should. I *thought* I was accepting it, but in the most defining moments of my new relationship I knew I hadn't.

 

So, yeah, back to square one, with a deeper acceptance this time I think.

 

 

I wish I could give you some comforting words, because God only knows I needed them when I was *stuck*. But don't text him anymore or call him. It's better. Move on. You can do it. You really can.

 

Yes, I will definitely move on. I'm good at that! lol. really, i was doing GREAT! I just was NOT prepared for coping with that new relationship...

 

It's like there are two stages of coping. In the first one, you are coping to get over the relationship. In the second one, you are coping to accept a new one. I was totally floored with the second one, and had no way to cope with it. Went running back to the ex.

[leap83]

Well it's clearing up now...

 

What happened was I was having a great date, and then all of a sudden I start thinking about my ex. This has happened before, and it stops me from moving on with my date. These same thoughts stop me from moving on with my romantic life.

 

My sappy desires for my ex, totally ungrounded in reality perhaps, are so engrained in my head, but so hidden. They only come out when I want a new relationship, when I'm ready to really begin a romantic, intimate relationship with someone new.

 

It drives me crazy, and this really is just a reaction to those thoughts.... to my thoughts! I had to air them out, I had to get honest with myself about them, and now I've shared them with the whole world on the net AND with the ex. Am totally making an idiot of myself for the sake of relieving those thoughts.

 

It's working.

 

Or is it? Is it working? Because it seems like you're stuck in this pattern of wondering about "what if". You're not making an idiot out of yourself. Everyone goes through this stage. I've gone through it and I'm sure many more have too. I believe what you've gone through, my ex was going through when he was dating me. He also thought he was ready for a relationship and went in it as "Bring it on!" However, when he really started to get to know me, he realized how badly he wanted it to work but also realized that he had baggage and unresolved issues with his ex. So, you're not alone. He went through it and I watched him crumble at a time. It wasn't pleasant but sometimes you need that person who will start breaking those insecurities for you to realize that you need to face life head on and not avoid it. Yes, you might view it as using that person and maybe that is the case, but in the end, you come out stronger. So, while I'm not with my ex and cannot be his friend, a part of me knows that I helped him in some small way. Good enough for me.

 

 

 

It's hitting home now that he doesn't really want to be with me. lol. He would have called a long time ago and not let 3 months passed by. I asked for this, I really did. This whole failed relationship is my disaster and I'm just not accepting it like I should. I *thought* I was accepting it, but in the most defining moments of my new relationship I knew I hadn't.

 

So, yeah, back to square one, with a deeper acceptance this time I think.

 

Just because he didn't call you for 3 months doesn't mean anything. You don't know what he's thinking. You can only assume. He never told you "I don't want to ever be with you, Ms. Joolie" and I think he would have told you this. 3 months passed between my ex and me and we barely talked but it's not because I didn't want to talk with him or be with him but because I was scared of calling him and being with him. I still am. I don't know what he's thinking though. A bit of time does its magic. You know it. I know it. Your ex knows it. Yes, he's dating someone else but it doesn't mean anything. It really doesn't. However, you can't expect him to just drop this girl and run to you. Yes, in movies it would be that easy. But this is real life. He would hurt this other person a lot. You also hurt him. He is thinking about that as well.

 

And, he didn't say a word for 3 months. Why? Think about it. If YOU were the one who ran away, what could he have done to make you come back? Nothing really. It doesn't matter how much he ran after you, you would have outrun him. So, he didn't see a point in it. And, I'm assuming, he thought you didn't want to see him/talk with him. So why bother calling? He's respecting you. Think about it.

 

Don't think that this is all your fault, because it is not. I'm sure it was a 50/50 split. It takes 2 to tango. So I wouldn't concentrate on "It's my fault" but on looking at both sides, seeing his side, your side, putting the 2 together and then working from there. I'm sure some of it was your fault. But I bet you, if we were to analyze your relationship, he had a fair share of faults. So, don't blame yourself for this. Accept it and learn from it.

 

 

 

 

Yes, I will definitely move on. I'm good at that! lol. really, i was doing GREAT! I just was NOT prepared for coping with that new relationship...

 

It's like there are two stages of coping. In the first one, you are coping to get over the relationship. In the second one, you are coping to accept a new one. I was totally floored with the second one, and had no way to cope with it. Went running back to the ex.

 

And that's fine. Running back is fine. However, the wiser choice would have been to think it through and look at your patterns. Look within you and see what is causing you to do this - run away from ex first and then run away from the new relationship. The phone convo with your ex would have been much more helpful if you knew more about yourself. I'm not saying that more questions wouldn't pop up, but having a better understanding of you, him and your relationship really helps in the end.

 

One thing I have learned from my ex is that I need to put myself into the other person's shoes. I need to analyze the situation from their perspective and try to understand them as much as possible. So, put yourself in his shoes. If you got hurt, and then that someone called 3 months later and told you that they love you and want their heart back, how would you react? How would you feel? What would you do? Think it through. It's not an easy decision. By the sounds of it, he moved on probably thinking you're not coming back. And now, you're back.... Now he's probably as confused as you are.

 

Men are different than women. They look at things differently and it takes them a bit longer to process thoughts/feelings. Women tend to be more irrational and run into a situation without thinking about it. Men are opposite of that.

[GrayClouds]

I suspect you only want him now because he does not want you. And if you got him back you would run again. If I was talking to him, I would tell him to stay away from you like a bad haircut. I would ask him "what has she really done beside pining for you, that show she made real changes, that she again rel insight to her behaviors, and develop new coping skills that would keep her from repeating those behaviors next time she feels the same pressures"

 

Stop this little distraction and start focusing on those things. That way you will not mess up your future relationships.

[Ms. Joolie]

I am going to see the ex tomorrow. It has been arranged.

[LovelyDaze]

I am going to see the ex tomorrow. It has been arranged.

 

Oh, Ms. Joolie.

I wish you guys wouldn't. Unless you guys plan to resolve whatever issues you two had to either move on or glue it back together.

 

My ex tried to get back with me and I had the guts to refuse it. My ex hasn't changed so I KNOW we are going to have the same relationship with the same result...another break-up.

 

But, You will have to go through this to get what you need from it to move on either way. I have a feeling you are going to hurt badly again carrying on like this but we will be your support whenever you need us. You know that.

[GrayClouds]

I would ask him "what has she really done beside pining for you, that show she made real changes, that she again real insight to her behaviors, and develop new coping skills that would keep her from repeating those behaviors next time she feels the same pressures?"

So can you answer that question?

[Ms. Joolie]

So can you answer that question?

 

"What has she really done beside pining for you, that show she made real changes, that she again real insight to her behaviors, and develop new coping skills that would keep her from repeating those behaviors next time she feels the same pressures?"

 

 

Well he must have been thinking the same thing. Via email this morning he asked, "What could/would you do differently than before?"

 

This is what I answered:

 

I don't think anything has changed. I just want a chance to be in a relationship now as opposed to always running away from one, shutting down from one, not really investing in one.

 

......and it's true. I'm still me BUT just the fact that I am turning around and making this effort shows him something. I've been open and honest with him, communicating everything. He knows something is different.

 

What's actually different is that since summer I've taken an incredible amount of classes, went through a little therapy, and along with all that I have finally conquered my eating disorder. And it was really all because of him and all for him.

 

I have a new life now, and I do want him in it.

 

At least, that's the role I'm going to pick up now. I'm a little bewildered by all this. I mean, Sunday I was falling fast for this new guy and now Wednesday I'm seeing my ex?? I will admit it's a bit looney.

 

This was not in the plan. Had no idea I as going to react this way. Had no idea a phone call would turn into this meeting. But... it's all very natural and for once I'm trying not to shut down and run away.

 

I needed resolve. I won't run away, won't shut down, won't push him away. I need to stay open, communicate, accept. These are just basic skills I was lacking, skills I need to go back and correct. This was painfully obvious as I was considering my new relationship with the new guy.

 

So basically tomorrow is the real deal. I did the phone call. Now I'm going to confront him face to face. whew. I'll just go from there I guess because there's no telling what's going to happen with that. Of course, we're use to this. We've been on/off for 3 years but this time is very different somehow. I don't know. Will have to see tomorrow, but something is going to be different and something is going to have to change.

 

I've changed. I know this. So we'll see.

Edited December 22, 2009 by Ms. Joolie

[leap83]

"What has she really done beside pining for you, that show she made real changes, that she again real insight to her behaviors, and develop new coping skills that would keep her from repeating those behaviors next time she feels the same pressures?"

 

 

Well he must have been thinking the same thing. Via email this morning he asked, "What could/would you do differently than before?"

 

This is what I answered:

 

I don't think anything has changed. I just want a chance to be in a relationship now as opposed to always running away from one, shutting down from one, not really investing in one.

 

......and it's true. I'm still me BUT just the fact that I am turning around and making this effort shows him something. I've been open and honest with him, communicating everything. He knows something is different.

 

What's actually different is that since summer I've taken an incredible amount of classes, went through a little therapy, and along with all that I have finally conquered my eating disorder. And it was really all because of him and all for him.

 

I have a new life now, and I do want him in it.

 

At least, that's the role I'm going to pick up now. I'm a little bewildered by all this. I mean, Sunday I was falling fast for this new guy and now Wednesday I'm seeing my ex?? I will admit it's a bit looney.

 

This was not in the plan. Had no idea I as going to react this way. Had no idea a phone call would turn into this meeting. But... it's all very natural and for once I'm trying not to shut down and run away.

 

I needed resolve. I won't run away, won't shut down, won't push him away. I need to stay open, communicate, accept. These are just basic skills I was lacking, skills I need to go back and correct. This was painfully obvious as I was considering my new relationship with the new guy.

 

So basically tomorrow is the real deal. I did the phone call. Now I'm going to confront him face to face. whew. I'll just go from there I guess because there's no telling what's going to happen with that. Of course, we're use to this. We've been on/off for 3 years but this time is very different somehow. I don't know. Will have to see tomorrow, but something is going to be different and something is going to have to change.

 

I've changed. I know this. So we'll see.

 

Ms. Joolie, again, not to sound harsh, but I don't think you have changed. See the highlights above. It's like you're trying to tell yourself that yes, you have changed. However, somehow, from your post I don't get that sense at all. I get that you're confused, all over the place, thoughts are NOT clear and are going to shut down again.

 

YOU just want a chance to be in a relationship. YOU. YOU. YOU. This is all about YOU. You are doing it because it is benefiting YOU. Not him. That's why I really hope you take a step back before you hurt him and you again. This is not about you. It's about BOTH of you. IMO, very selfish. Relationships are not selfish. You can't always want and want and take.... you have got to give as well as understand.

 

IMO, until you have clearly moved on, changed, worked on yourself, gotten rid of the anxiety... this won't work out.

 

But then again, nothing I say will change your mind right now because you're in your own world where "me" is prevalent.

 

Another thing is, sorry to hear about the eating disorder, but battling that should have been because YOU wanted to beat it. It wasn't because of him. It was because of you. YOU wanted to do it. So you did it. Big difference.

[GrayClouds]

O really do with you the best, and hope all works out in a way that is good for you. And in that sprit....

 

"What has she really done beside pining for you, that show she made real changes, that she again real insight to her behaviors, and develop new coping skills that would keep her from repeating those behaviors next time she feels the same pressures?"

 

Well he must have been thinking the same thing. Via email this morning he asked, "What could/would you do differently than before?"

 

I would suggest he add "And why wasn't possible to do those things before, can you answer that?

 

This is what I answered:

 

I don't think anything has changed.

Interesting answer it says alot.

 

What's actually different is that since summer I've taken an incredible amount of classes, went through a little therapy, and along with all that I have finally conquered my eating disorder. And it was really all because of him and all for him.

 

Cliche time...changes do not hold unless they are done for you and all for you.

 

At least, that's the role I'm going to pick up now. I'm a little bewildered by all this. I mean, Sunday I was falling fast for this new guy and now Wednesday I'm seeing my ex?? I will admit it's a bit looney.

 

This was not in the plan. Had no idea I as going to react this way. Had no idea a phone call would turn into this meeting. But... it's all very natural and for once I'm trying not to shut down and run away. .

 

Is possible your just repeating the behavior with the new guy... starting things back up with the EX as a way to run from the "new" relationship as it get more serious?

 

I needed resolve. I won't run away, won't shut down, won't push him away. I need to stay open, communicate, accept. These are just basic skills I was lacking, skills I need to go back and correct. This was painfully obvious as I was considering my new relationship with the new guy

 

Why did you do those things before? Understanding why goes along way of giving you the opportunity to choose not to repeat them.

 

 

Again I do wish you well.

[Ms. Joolie]

I appreciate the harsh replies best, the real critical ones like yours. I take it as tough luv. lol

 

 

I get that you're confused, all over the place, thoughts are NOT clear and are going to shut down again.

 

Well this has happened all very fast. I'm trying to cope with it, and what I post here doesn't represent the full scope of the situation. But I clip and post, so to say, what I can. I get that it may appear 10x more confusing over the net to strangers! But... I must commit to a clear head and not shutting down, or as I like to refer to it, being "present" throughout this ordeal.

 

 

This is all about YOU. You are doing it because it is benefiting YOU. Not him. That's why I really hope you take a step back before you hurt him and you again. This is not about you. It's about BOTH of you. IMO, very selfish. Relationships are not selfish.

 

Well I don't know that T and I are going to have a relationship. This IS about me. Why do I love him so? Why can't I move on? I'm confronting him on this... it's new, refreshing, different. I just need to do what I can to move on. My goal, and it makes me sad to admit this, is not that we get back together. My goal is to release this love for him. Let it go.

 

I WILL open up my heart to him tomorrow, and may very well me shunned. It's okay. I can take it. I'm ready. IF he wants the relationship, it will happen. If not, i'll be okay. It's both an 'us' thing and a 'me' thing. But you are right. I won't make it all about me!! Oh God, help me to really open up to HIM this time!

 

 

IMO, until you have clearly moved on, changed, worked on yourself, gotten rid of the anxiety... this won't work out.

 

I was doing that.... i really was. Lots of classes and therapy as said. Met the new guy on accident while I was assisting/volunteering for a good cause. lol. I am dedicated to live my life fully, really want to open up my world and contribute.

 

This really is just baggage that must be dealt with so that I can move on.

 

 

Another thing is, sorry to hear about the eating disorder, but battling that should have been because YOU wanted to beat it. It wasn't because of him. It was because of you. YOU wanted to do it. So you did it. Big difference.

 

Well, it was for me. I was trapped with an ED for 14 years, always struggled to get out. What I mean by saying that I did it "because of him and for him" is that because I fell in love with him, he changed my life. He made me feel that special something that someone needs to get out of the hole. He gave me my motivation. I LOVED him.... LOVE was my motivation, really. Sounds sappy, but I believe in love. I credit T for being who he was, for loving me, and helping me love myself.

 

I know what you are saying, but it's all good. No worries.

[Ms. Joolie]

O really do with you the best, and hope all works out in a way that is good for you. And in that sprit....

 

THIS will be my motto for tmrw:

"Hope all works out in a way that is good for us."

 

 

I would suggest he add "And why wasn't possible to do those things before, can you answer that?

 

It's difficult to explain the trap that I was in. My eating disorder and various life experiences caused me to shut down. I couldn't open up to a relationship. Losing the ex, and taking Landmark Education courses especially, and all my other little things have significantly altered my life.

 

I SEE what's possible now. I'm NOT stuck in my own little world anymore. And again, I'm not trying to get a relationship back with him. I'm determined to resolve this 3 year love affair, that's it. Whatever that resolution brings.

 

 

Interesting answer it says alot.

 

Well, it has to do with a Landmark Education concept actually, which I assumed my ex got. (He's taking the basic course, or the "Forum") It's has to do with the fact that nothing changes. We transform. In other words, my world didn't change but my mentality transformed. So that's why I said that I don't think anything has changed except that now I want a relationship...

 

 

Is possible your just repeating the behavior with the new guy... starting things back up with the EX as a way to run from the "new" relationship as it get more serious?

 

Yes, very possible. Very, very possible.

 

 

Why did you do those things before? Understanding why goes along way of giving you the opportunity to choose not to repeat them.

 

I acted the way I did before because I was stuck in eating disorder mode... it was awful. I was reacting to that, reacting to all the mess of my life. It was bad. My negative behaviors weren't so obvious until you wanted a close relationship with me. then I would push you away, then I would run away, then I would shut down..........

 

not nice. But TODAY.... today it's different. I am sincerely working to correct myself, correct my ways. Or as they would say, I am working at "transformation."

 

Still can't believe I've turned around and am dealing with the ex again! It's all good though... all good. I do need to think this over though, and see how I'm going to fit my further interaction into my above motto.

 

 

.... your input, as always, is valuable and appreciated. thank you.

[Ms. Joolie]

Each of you has significantly impacted this situation of mine. Helped me to address it in a way I could not do by myself. It may seem like I am arguing back at you with my replies, but I really am thinking and trying to listen.... and then adapt and go from there.

 

So just a sincere thank you.

[GrayClouds]

Each of you has significantly impacted this situation of mine. Helped me to address it in a way I could not do by myself. It may seem like I am arguing back at you with my replies, but I really am thinking and trying to listen.... and then adapt and go from there.

 

So just a sincere thank you.

 

I am thankful that you are taking my words in the spirit that they are intended. The intent was only to help you think through the situation and your own position with the desire that it leads you to make a quality decision for yourself. It is so difficult for logic to have the microphone when feelings is trying to sing.

[Ms. Joolie]

It is so difficult for logic to have the microphone when feelings is trying to sing.

 

That's so beautiful, so wonderfully said.

 

From Friday until now, I've been on the emotional train. My feelings do want to sing! My feelings are singing.

 

The thing with me is that I think my feelings are logical. I take my feelings seriously, and include them in my actions. For example, I believe in love. What is love? To me, love is a feeling... it's just that thing that we feel, that motivates us, that makes us do crazy things.

 

Love makes me want to sing. It's a powerful emotion, a powerful feeling that needs to be expressed. I wouldn't live without it, I can't.

 

So when I say I still love my ex, I'm ready to sing for that now. Ready to embarrass myself, ready to do what I have to do to express that love.

 

Is it logical? For me it is, because it's from the eyes of love, or my eyes filled with my concept of love. Is it logical to anybody else? Maybe not. Is it logical to my ex, will he understand? Maybe not.

 

What I'm trying to say is that I'd do a whole bunch of crazy things in the name of love. It's logical to ME, but may not be logical to YOU, or anyone else. That's why it's so great to have LS, or to express one's self in general, and to have feedback.

 

Listening to feedback is a great way to open up my mind more, get a better stand, and sing an even better song. lol

 

For me, life is about expression and creation... it is about singing that song. I guess I'm just an emotional kind of person then. My ex is a very logical person... I like to refer to him as one of those people who think in numbers. If he can't count it, he doesn't really believe in it. Or something like that.

 

As an emotional being, it's so important for me to listen to logic. That's what I get from you, GrayClouds. That's what I get from all this input on LS... different logics, but logics all the same. Sigh. I love logic.

[Ms. Joolie]

I CAN live as a logic-only being.... but that's boring. Logic alone doesn't help me cope with life or express myself as I need to be expressed.

 

Being illogical, getting outside that box to find more life, is what I covet.

 

So in that way, I prize my emotions over my logic.

[Ms. Joolie]

I am going to see my ex tonight, and am developing my game plan for it, really trying to focus and see how this is going to work.

 

I could not be in a new relationship. At the moments of intimacy, all I wanted was my ex, all I saw was my ex.... I craved intimacy with my ex. That has been a problem before, and now with this chance of a new and real relationship, it seemed to just explode. I didn't want that baggage! I don't want it! I want to get rid of that baggage and move on with my life!

 

So there's that. But there is also that desire, that nagging desire, that my ex and I should be together. I ran away, I've always pushed him away. I have hurt him multiple times because of this. He does love me, but it is a hurt love. It's a love that gave up, a love that doesn't believe anymore.

 

I can't, or I won't, move on without facing this dilemma. Well, I can't help it anymore.... as I really acted out on my emotions over the weekend.

 

So now what? How am I going to handle tonight.... thinking....