I broke NC! ..with good reason!!

[HeavenOrHell]

I'm glad things went well for you hun, no matter what happens you are at least having the second chance that so many of us here wish for.

I can see why others here are sounding angry-because you are both seeing other people, but you say you are both going to be upfront with them. Although I agree I would not want to sleep with my ex if I was seeing someone new-whether it was serious or not.

But then we all know that love isn't rational

[LovelyDaze]

This has become a mess.

The new people involved sound like "stand-bys" "default lovers" and "2nd class choices" I feel sorry for them the most.

 

The whole basis of this is "If it doesn't work out with my ex...I'll just stick with the new kid in town"

 

I think EVERYBODY involved needs some alone time to figure things out.

Love is patient. If anyone involved in this thing is meant to be with another...it will naturally work out on its own. No need for plotting, planning and all of that stuff.

 

Personally? Just reading every single post of this thread has taught me a lot.

I now KNOW that staying away from my ex is the best option, so there will be none of this kind of drama in my own life.

 

I don't think your new guy would like it that you were taught salsa moves and having a really good time with your ex at all. He is trying to build something special with you and your ex is a MAJOR road block.

 

I'm gonna give the next guy in my life half a chance by me unpacking my loaded baggage from my ex. It's just not fair to start a new relationship with this type of madness.

 

I also have minimal contact with my own ex based on the fact that we work together. I DO NOT bring up the whys and whens and hows anymore since the first day he left me. HE has been the one to always want to text, call, e-mail and as of late, asked if I could give it another try. I didn't want to and ran back to the fiancee he dumped...just like that!

 

Thankfully, My ex leaves to serve overseas and won't be back for a year. I'll be fine by then. But I get this feeling that you and the ex WON'T let it be over. There will be a text here and a call there.

 

Ms. Joolie, I sincerely hope you are ready to let go now. And like I said before, the BEST thing for you to do is to spend some quality time with YOU and YOU alone.

[LovelyDaze]

I'm glad things went well for you hun, no matter what happens you are at least having the second chance that so many of us here wish for.

I can see why others here are sounding angry-because you are both seeing other people, but you say you are both going to be upfront with them. Although I agree I would not want to sleep with my ex if I was seeing someone new-whether it was serious or not.

But then we all know that love isn't rational

 

 

Sorry HeavenOrHell. I am not one of those who hasn't been in her shoes. As some of you read in my posts...I HAD too many chances with my ex.

 

My ex begged and pleaded to come back as recent as last week. My thing is...that is not enough time for him to have changed. He's just not a man.

I deserve better and a lot of us just think that no matter how new the other people involved are in Ms. Joolie's situation, they may have a broken heart from all of this...JUST LIKE US.

Edited December 24, 2009 by LovelyDaze

[GrayClouds]

But then we all know that love isn't rational

 

 

Which make it even more important not to rationalize poor behavior...

[LovelyDaze]

Which make it even more important not to rationalize poor behavior...

 

 

Excellent, GrayClouds.

 

For the love of God, love is NOT supposed to be irrational. We ALL got our hearts broken because of that!

 

It's drama...unnecessary drama.

Why else are we on LS in the Breaking Up forum? Bad choices and behavior from one or both partners.

 

Let's try being in love rationally and maybe we will be in a relationship that works for a change.

[Ms. Joolie]

LovelyDaze, you are implying way too much about the other two people involved. I wouldn't treat those two people like **** for the world. You misunderstand the complexity of this situation. I'm not going to write out the whole novel of our romance. But please believe me when I say that we are going to be honest with these people, in the most caring way as possible. I promise you I will do my part. The guy I was seeing understands what I've done. I will tell him know what has happened. It's a mess, and I'll tell him that. We'll talk it over and I know it'll be okay. We haven't invested anything into this new relationship but three days. We're just two people who met, got along, and wanted more. That's not going to happen.

 

Art Critic, you are right. T (the former ex..) doesn't have to stop seeing the other girl. I don't know what he's going to do now. Is it my business to ask him? I'm the one on trial. lol. I have to prove myself now.

 

.... I'm really in this to give it my all now. I want him to accept this, to believe it, to choose me again. If not, if this doesn't work, at least I can walk away knowing it didn't work as opposed to running away. That's all I want. I want to give it my all and make it happen. I want it to work this time! If it doesn't, it doesn't... but I'm not shutting this one down anymore. I rather be rejected.

[Brightmoon]

All the very best Jools!

[leap83]

Wow... I never thought I would say this in my entire life but I want to thank my former ex for being honest and open with me, for caring for me so much, for being an unselfish human being and for loving me in the best way he could possibly at the time.

 

Reading your posts, Ms. Joolie has once again taught me a lesson that there are people out there whose ego is through the roof and who only think about themselves.

 

You're not being honest and respectful towards the new guy. The right thing to do would have been to tell the new guy "Listen, I'm going to see my ex to talk about whatever is left of us. I don't know what is going to happen, but I wanted to give you a choice to either stay with me or leave. I'm a mess right now and I cannot make a decision because I like you a lot but I also love my ex." The right thing would have been to give the new guy a choice BEFORE last night happened. Either way, I would consider this a HUGE betrayal and cheating on your part, Ms. Joolie. It doesn't matter whether you're dating or not - this will hurt his feelings terribly because he likes you a lot. He will not understand what he did wrong and he will end up blaming himself for this. I believe that you cannot even state this: "I wouldn't treat those two people like **** for the world" because you've just treated BOTH of those people like that. And if this guy is such an extraordinary person, why does he deserve this? He doesn't.

 

An even wiser choice would have been to NOT get into a new relationship before you felt 100% ready. You take your time. You don't rush into things. All you seem to be doing is rushing into things.

 

What have YOU worked on that will change your relationship with your ex? I believe your actions show this much more than words and actions matter more. If you're capable of hurting this "extraordinary man" like this, I wonder what else you're capable of?

 

Some people are just so heartless.

 

Now I get where my ex was coming from and have a FAR better understanding of him and his situation as well as respect. Now I know how much he actually felt for me, because he gave me a choice. A choice to avoid the drama in his life. He also gave himself time to fix the things that were messed up so that he would be able to give more. Good for him. He has a head on his shoulders and a heart... Unlike you (no offense).

[Ms. Joolie]

Ugh. I don't need, and am not asking, for any advice on how to handle things with the new guy! I've given no details about anything with the new guy. You all don't know how we communicate or what I've communicated. My conscious is clear about the new guy. I've taken responsiblity about that, am fine with my decisions, and have a clear conscience on that.

 

I was completely caught off guard with all my emotions this last weekend and came on here for some LS insights up to that phone call on Monday. I've taken a habit on keeping you all updated, lol, but I will stop that now. It's not appropriate discussion anymore in this thread, or for this section of LS.

 

The phone call was a success, in large part to the help I received. And I thank each and everyone of you. I know many of you think I should not have broken NC, but only time will tell if it was with good reason.

[WTRanger]

Honestly, from all of this. I just hope that you start to learn that running away from problems clearly does not solve them. You ran from this guy, yet three or so months later these issues all pop up. Now you've had to deal with a situation that should have been taken care of many moons ago.

 

You've said you won't run again, but a few weeks of thinking about it is clearly not enough time for major changes. Keep working on yourself and just see where this goes with the ex.

 

We can all tell you not to pick up that stone because it is hot. Most of the time, you have to pick it up yourself to determine if it is truly hot. Sometimes you get burned, sometimes you don't. The key out of all of this, is knowledge and perspective. Learn from this and use that for the future.

[EricaH329]

Geez Leap, do you really think that was necessary??

 

MJ -- I am not going to say anything negative, because the confusion you are feeling is all too familiar.

 

All I can say, is that I really hope you take some time out and really think about this whole situation before you take any actions. Think about what you want, why you want it, and how you are going to go about getting it.

 

It'll be a process, but it'll be well worth it in the end. If you'd like, you can PM me if you need someone to talk to, or want help sorting out your thoughts. People here can be very cruel sometimes, and I know you are in no position to handle that sort of thing.

[LovelyDaze]

.... I'm really in this to give it my all now. I want him to accept this, to believe it, to choose me again. If not, if this doesn't work, at least I can walk away knowing it didn't work as opposed to running away. That's all I want. I want to give it my all and make it happen. I want it to work this time! If it doesn't, it doesn't... but I'm not shutting this one down anymore. I rather be rejected.

 

I understand fully. even if you've known the new guy for only the past 12 minutes, he shouldn't be a back-up plan.

 

And for you to say that you'd "rather be rejected" saddens me.

As I've told you before, I can only hope that how you broke NC & had that situation with your ex ,works out for the best for EVERYONE involved. NOBODY on LS wants you to suffer as seemingly implied by another member.That is why me and I hope others are so concerned. We do give a damn about you.

 

Ms. Joolie, your heart and the heart of others should be handled delicately.

I, for one, would hate to see a post on here that your ex used you like a dirty dishrag. There will be no "I told you so" from me. Just a very sad shaking of the head.

 

Don't put this ex so high on the pedestal..put yourself there for a change and treat your heart, soul, and life with self-love first.

[leap83]

Geez Leap, do you really think that was necessary??

 

 

To answer your question: No, I don't think it was. Because I wasted words.

 

People are cruel all around the world. With my post, I wasn't trying to be cruel towards her. What I was trying to do is get her to see that this will affect the other 2 individuals involved.

 

How is she any less cruel than me? Think about it Erica. Put yourself in those people's shoes. How would you feel right now if this was happening to you? Would you be heartbroken? I would think. Hurting other people's feelings for the benefit of yourself and your ego is really above and beyond immature, disrespectful and cruel.

 

I stand by my post.

[EricaH329]

To answer your question: No, I don't think it was. Because I wasted words.

 

People are cruel all around the world. With my post, I wasn't trying to be cruel towards her. What I was trying to do is get her to see that this will affect the other 2 individuals involved.

 

So because of the fact that people are cruel all around the world that means it's alright for you to add to that? I'm not quite sure what point you were trying to make with that one.

 

The words that you used were cruel. You could have gone about it in another way.

 

How is she any less cruel than me? Think about it Erica. Put yourself in those people's shoes. How would you feel right now if this was happening to you? Would you be heartbroken? I would think. Hurting other people's feelings for the benefit of yourself and your ego is really above and beyond immature, disrespectful and cruel.

 

I stand by my post.

 

No, I don't think I would be heartbroken. Considering I would have only gone out on what... 2, maybe 3 dates with this other person? I wouldn't have fallen madly deeply in love and been devastated and never want to date again.

 

Realistically, this isn't a big deal. She hasn't made a commitment to this man. She is allowed to date whoever she wants. I don't see how this is any different than someone going on dates with a few people at the same time.

 

I feel as though you are blowing this wayyyy out of proportion. Yes, she should have told him, but she didn't know that this was going to happen! Why mention it when she thought nothing was going to come of it? Now that she knows something has come of it, she will tell him.

 

As far as what he does, that's all on him. She has no reason to be berated because of something he is or is not doing. She has no control over that. She can only control her own actions.

[leap83]

So because of the fact that people are cruel all around the world that means it's alright for you to add to that? I'm not quite sure what point you were trying to make with that one.

 

The words that you used were cruel. You could have gone about it in another way.

 

Stand by my post. The words are there for a reason. I wasn't the only one who said this - I was more blunt than others, however, I will admit.

 

Yes, she should have told him, but she didn't know that this was going to happen! Why mention it when she thought nothing was going to come of it? Now that she knows something has come of it, she will tell him.

You should re-read her posts. She DID know what was going to happen last night. She went there for it to happen. I flipped out not because she went to talk with her ex, but because of what she said she would probably do.

 

As far as what he does, that's all on him. She has no reason to be berated because of something he is or is not doing. She has no control over that. She can only control her own actions.

EXACTLY my POINT. Did she give him a choice? Did she tell him "Hey listen... I'm in love with my ex. We're going to be meeting tomorrow night and I wanted you to know that I love him and that there is a slight possibility I will go back to him. I wanted to give you a heads up"? No. She didn't. She HAD control over being open about her actions. I'm not talking about him. This is strictly about her and she did what she did. But it's done, over, the end. She did what she felt like doing. So, no point in discussing it anymore.

 

I feel as though you are blowing this wayyyy out of proportion.

And yes, Erica. If you're wondering whether I have ever been in this situation - yes, I have been. I have been the third party (with my most recent ex), I have been the ex (with my first bf's gf) and I have also been the person who is confused (with my first bf).

[EricaH329]

Leap I think you are missing the point I am trying to make. She is casually dating this guy. She doesn't even know if she wants anything serious with him. If she decided to get more serious with this guy then yes, I would understand what you are saying. But she has no obligation to him.

 

Me, personally, i'm always extremely open from the very beginning. This guy would have known about my ex and the feelings that I have for him probably before the second date.

 

However, I do understand that there are a lot of people that aren't like that. I don't feel as though she has 'betrayed' him in any sense of the word. Unless I read incorrectly, she did not sleep with her ex... correct? She just hung out with him. She is not cheating on this new guy, if it would even be considered that since they aren't together.

 

I really don't understand where you are coming from. Casually dating allows both parties to do whatever they please, without actually having to explain.

[GrayClouds]

I generally the type that would enjoy watch two woman fight( i kid i kid)

gut I have to way Erica you are overlooking things:

 

I will affirm that my new relationship, and the ex's new relationship, will be kept in mind in all this. I have no intention of wrecking anybody's emotions over this.

 

But yet she will fully put her self in a situation to be a wrecking ball. The fact she calling it a relationship denote a level of commitment. She is going to affirm the new relationship by choosing to put herself in a compromising position? That alone is INTENT. Intent to do harm. So you do not lead people on, other people are not simple there for you to feel good. IF your not ready to be in a relationship, as in not over the ex, then your simple using someone. That is why people should not date until they or over their EX.

 

To date is to say your available if you not really available then do not lead people on.

 

but doesn't know I'm seeing him tonight. I know I'm going to have to tell him, but first I am waiting to see what happens tonight.

 

She saying I not going to tell him before hand so I can keep him on the back burner. Would you want to be treated like that, how would you like to find out that your ex is doing that to another girl with you?

 

Tonight I will meet with the ex, it will be a cozy and intimate setting. Yes, that's right, I am meeting him at his home, about 8. There is no doubt that we will want to be intimate because our love for each other is still there.

 

Perhaps he will choose not to be intimate, but I doubt it or he would not have invited me over to his house. Perhaps once we actually meet there will be no more attraction this time around..... small chance but possible.

 

VS

 

Yes, she should have told him, but she didn't know that this was going to happen! Why mention it when she thought nothing was going to come of it? Now that she knows something has come of it, she will tell him.

 

You really believe she didn't know something was going to come from it??? She was planning on it.

 

Another complex emotional situation that I'm getting myself into. I do this, I think, and it helps me acquire emotional intelligence. lol. Seriously. Can't say much for logic though. Now THAT I need help with.

 

Her own admission that she is choosing to make life more difficult for herself and those around her. T pint that out in as Leap did is not curel, it is an act of caring. To sit back as say yes this is a hard situation, love is difficult, do what makes you happy... that would be cruel to everyone involve.

 

 

.

Edited December 24, 2009 by GrayClouds

[EricaH329]

But yet she will fully put her self in a situation to be a wrecking ball. The fact she calling it a relationship denote a level of commitment. She is going to affirm the new relationship by choosing to put herself in a compromising position? That alone is INTENT. Intent to do harm. So you do not lead people on, other people are not simple there for you to feel good. IF your not ready to be in a relationship, as in not over the ex, then your simple using someone. That is why people should not date until they or over their EX.

 

To date is to say your available if you not really available then do not lead people on.

 

Maybe I am missing something? Did she not say that she actually likes this guy? Leading someone on typically means that nothing will come of it... and knowing that nothing will come of it. Yet leading the other person to believe there will be something there.

 

I am under the impression that she fully intends (or intended) to give him a shot. At first, no. But after her second or third date... from what I got from her posts... she was actually considering it.

 

And I still love my ex. Even though he isn't right for me, should I stop dating all together? I think if you have resolved those issues within yourself, you are more than capable of having a relationship with someone else. Or even just dating around.

 

 

 

She saying I not going to tell him before hand so I can keep him on the back burner. Would you want to be treated like that, how would you like to find out that your ex is doing that to another girl with you?

 

That's a completely different story. My ex and I have a past. A history. Love. This new guy doesn't have any of that with her. You really can't compare the two.

 

And for all we know, this guy could be going out on dates with other women. Does that mean that he is doing the same thing?

 

 

Her own admission that she is choosing to make life more difficult for herself and those around her. T pint that out in as Leap did is not curel, it is an act of caring. To sit back as say yes this is a hard situation, love is difficult, do what makes you happy... that would be cruel to everyone involve.

 

Let me ask you a question. If he knew about this whole thing and he was ok with it... does that make it alright?

 

Is the arguement here the fact that she didn't tell him about it? Or that she's seeing her ex, regardless of if he knows or not?

[LovelyDaze]

I want to see how things are with Ms. Joolie.

Yuck. this-is-a-mess.

 

A mess.

[GrayClouds]

Maybe I am missing something? Did she not say that she actually likes this guy? Leading someone on typically means that nothing will come of it... and knowing that nothing will come of it. Yet leading the other person to believe there will be something there.

 

I am under the impression that she fully intends (or intended) to give him a shot. At first, no. But after her second or third date... from what I got from her posts... she was actually considering it.

 

If your heart is else where, to the point you would put yourself eagerly in a situation that she did, she KNEW in her heart that she was into open for it, she not giving the other person a legitimate shot. At best it was a rebound relationship. that is using people.

 

And I still love my ex. Even though he isn't right for me, should I stop dating all together? I think if you have resolved those issues within yourself, you are more than capable of having a relationship with someone else. Or even just dating around.

 

YES. If you still love your ex then DO NOT DATE. If your heart is not open for someone new then your not ready for someone new.

 

She had not resolved issue between her and her Ex. If she ha she would have been over her ex.

 

That's a completely different story. My ex and I have a past. A history. Love. This new guy doesn't have any of that with her. You really can't compare the two.

 

To be dishonest or evenavoid the truth indicate the respect you have for people.

 

None the less you did not answer my question.

 

And for all we know, this guy could be going out on dates with other women. Does that mean that he is doing the same thing?

 

Yes and if he was still in love with his ex and devising a way to sleep with her it would be wrong.

 

Let me ask you a question. If he knew about this whole thing and he was ok with it... does that make it alright?

 

Is the arguement here the fact that she didn't tell him about it? Or that she's seeing her ex, regardless of if he knows or not?

 

She is being dishonest to herself, the new guy and likely the EX. She is doing what ever feel good not what is right. You do not dat others if your wanting to get back with the EX, you do not put yourself in compromising postions if your do not know what you want, you do not pretend you do not have controll oover your action when you do. That is the argument.

 

It does not matter if the new guy knew, if he did and did not care that would just reflect his level of self respect.

 

And finally if someone is acting poorly it is not cruel to tell them they acting in that manner.

 

 

 

,

Edited December 25, 2009 by GrayClouds

[EricaH329]

Ok so basically what everyone is saying, is that because she hung out with her ex once and talked to him on the phone once, she is in the wrong for not telling this new guy?

 

She did say that she was going to tell him, since it's gotten to the point that it has.

 

I can see why everyone would be upset if she was doing this continuosly, but it happened one time and everyone is jumping down her throat.

 

The fact that she's going to tell this guy that she's been out with on 2 dates, is a lot more than what most people would do.

 

I love my ex, and I always will... but there's no way in hell that i'm going to sit around and be single for the rest of my life because I fell in love one time.

[GrayClouds]

Ok so basically what everyone is saying, is that because she hung out with her ex once and talked to him on the phone once, she is in the wrong for not telling this new guy?

 

She did say that she was going to tell him, since it's gotten to the point that it has.

 

I can see why everyone would be upset if she was doing this continuously, but it happened one time and everyone is jumping down her throat.

 

The fact that she's going to tell this guy that she's been out with on 2 dates, is a lot more than what most people would do.

 

I love my ex, and I always will... but there's no way in hell that i'm going to sit around and be single for the rest of my life because I fell in love one time.

 

NO it is about INTENT. She went over to her EX with the plan being "with" him, she went out with another guy when she was still trying to get back with the ex, she was not willing to be upfront with the new guy not honest with herself about her own action. Her intent was selfish and deceptive. This was not just one act it was a series of actions.

 

To love someone and be in love is different. I will always love my first but I am no longer in love with her. If she walk by tomorrow and want to get back together I would not be interested. I am no longer emotionally committed to her, if I was I should not date.

 

Would you want to date someone who still wanted to be with there ex?

Edited December 25, 2009 by GrayClouds

[TaraMaiden]

Hmmmm. Erica, sorry and all that, but I'm entirely with GrayClouds on this.

Really, my opinion is very simple:

 

I think you're playing with semantics... "dating" means different things to different people, and basically Ms J. is just using every excuse in the book to justify the fact that while she was formulating a relationship with her current PARTNER - Or "New Guy" as she refers to him (note, 'new guy'. Not, 'casual date', 'occasional fling', 'FWB', 'phu*c*k Buddy', 'bit on the side' or even 'someone whom I occasionally go out with because the company is nice'.) she was ready, willing, able and even eager to get the ex's flies undone and screw around.

 

New Guy. Implying that he is the replacement for the 'old guy'.

My old car, my new car.

My old house, my new house.

My old coat, my new coat....

 

 

see the subtle difference?

 

I'm sure she sees it too.

 

And notwithstanding the resulting non-event, there is the question of actual action vs simple Intent - the fact of the matter is, she had every intention of following through if the occasion arose, which basically makes her a cheater.

And one I am perfectly sure her 'New Guy' had absolutely no idea about.

I am certain she was 'economical with the truth', told him part but not all of the situation, and knows that had she done so, he'd be miles away by now.

Which would mean yet another abandonment, and being alone, again.

because I really don't believe any guy worth his salt would tolerate the kinds of explanations/justifications she's tried to make here.

 

Finis.

[EricaH329]

We are really just going to have to agree to disagree with this one.

[TaraMaiden]

well, as it's Christmas - ok.

 

But any other day, it would be gloves off and 'I'll see you outside'!

 

:laugh:

 

(Have a nice one!)