I broke NC! ..with good reason!!

[HeavenOrHell]

I think it is good they are meeting to talk face to face, they can sort things out one way or another, it may be painful but at least they will know one way or another.

Every situation is different.

 

 

Oh, Ms. Joolie.

I wish you guys wouldn't. Unless you guys plan to resolve whatever issues you two had to either move on or glue it back together.

 

My ex tried to get back with me and I had the guts to refuse it. My ex hasn't changed so I KNOW we are going to have the same relationship with the same result...another break-up.

 

But, You will have to go through this to get what you need from it to move on either way. I have a feeling you are going to hurt badly again carrying on like this but we will be your support whenever you need us. You know that.

[HeavenOrHell]

If I met someone now I would feel the same hun I would even somehow feel I was being disloyal, how silly is that, he dumped me after all!

I guess tonight is about talking about whether the problems that caused you to split up have been resolved or whether they are still there. Can you be honest with yourself and him that you have changed those things? Does he need to change things too?

I sincerely hope you get a good outcome, keeping everything crossed that no matter what happens you feel more satisfied with the situation.

 

 

I am going to see my ex tonight, and am developing my game plan for it, really trying to focus and see how this is going to work.

 

I could not be in a new relationship. At the moments of intimacy, all I wanted was my ex, all I saw was my ex.... I craved intimacy with my ex. That has been a problem before, and now with this chance of a new and real relationship, it seemed to just explode. I didn't want that baggage! I don't want it! I want to get rid of that baggage and move on with my life!

 

So there's that. But there is also that desire, that nagging desire, that my ex and I should be together. I ran away, I've always pushed him away. I have hurt him multiple times because of this. He does love me, but it is a hurt love. It's a love that gave up, a love that doesn't believe anymore.

 

I can't, or I won't, move on without facing this dilemma. Well, I can't help it anymore.... as I really acted out on my emotions over the weekend.

 

So now what? How am I going to handle tonight.... thinking....

[Art_Critic]

I let him know that I can't make love to any other man.

 

MJ.. one of the things you need to realize is that this is what is holding you back.. not the ex..

You don't need to resolve anything..

You need to push forward with the new guy and as soon as you do things will become clearer.

 

Stop this contact with your Ex..

 

Put the new guy in front now.. remember .. as soon as you do the ex will become a memory.

 

I have been where you are before.. I remember dating after being divorced..

I had been divorced maybe 6 months plus or minus and I started a relationship with someone and the first time we were intimate is was very difficult for me..

I still felt as though I was cheating on my wife.. or ex wife at that point..

 

I pushed forward and never let my ex affect my new love interest and what I learned is that if you want to move forward.. then do..

 

The answer to your future is not in your past...

[hoping2heal]

Okay, I apologise in advance if this is redundant by now. I haven't read every post in this thread, I got through about two pages and I just couldn't take it any longer.

 

Firstly, while there are plenty of posts to raise a brow at on here (doesn't mean a bad thing) very few have ever made my jaw litterally drop, very few. Yours on the other hand, made the cut.

 

Oh my where do I begin? Firstly, What are you doing? I have been reading as I said..about two pages worth and you have no idea the empathy I have for the nerves in your head. HOW do you go on like this without a walking migraine? I have never seen anyone complicate their relationships unecesarily so much in my life. I mean I feel like I'm watching Grey's Anatomy in the earlier seasons, where Meredith just DIDN'T know how to function if she wasn't making her relationship with derek complicated beyond all belief and with no good cause.

 

For that reason, I'm trully torn. There's the part of me that says; listen you want him, he wants you. It's not difficult, work it out. Yes, you have caused some trust issues in him now and those will have to be worked on but if he's willing it can work. Then, there is the other part of me that says oh my, is she even READY for a relationship? Clearly, no. That's a hail no. I don't want to see this guy hurt again simply because you have a flake-out complex, know what I mean?

 

So, if you can get your crap together. Gather your marbles long enough (and I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt that you CAN) to not try and further complicate what's going on between you two; be honest and work on working through things and quit this childish running crap- because you are hurting people but one day you are going to realise how much more you are hurting yourself- then I think it's salvagable. But that's only if you are willing to stop the nonsense, and your antics are exactly that : absolute nonsense. This isn't a movie, this isn't a dramedy or a one hour sitcom of the week on Lifetime. It isn't cute or funny or adorable that you intentionally make a mess of your love life and other people pay the price right along with you. There isn't going to be some kind of music montage that plays.

 

You love this guy,he loves you. Grow up so you two can experience some love and happiness.

[teanoranges]

wasn't going to touch this one, sometimes you just got to let things play out how they will.

 

Hoping2heal, wonderful words!

 

I think we all come to a stage where you were. We (or I) have an underlying voice that says the two of us are made to be... its Different than everyone else.. its love.. true love.

 

and then there's reality.

 

then there's the back and forth...

 

You know a chemical is let off in our brains after a break-up that makes us want our significant other more?

Wonder how long that chemical lasts, and no wonder when you get back with an ex it usually reverts to old patterns (the chemicals return to normal)

 

funny.

[HeavenOrHell]

Sounds harsh hopingtoheal!

[LovelyDaze]

Okay, I apologise in advance if this is redundant by now. I haven't read every post in this thread, I got through about two pages and I just couldn't take it any longer.

 

Firstly, while there are plenty of posts to raise a brow at on here (doesn't mean a bad thing) very few have ever made my jaw litterally drop, very few. Yours on the other hand, made the cut.

 

Oh my where do I begin? Firstly, What are you doing? I have been reading as I said..about two pages worth and you have no idea the empathy I have for the nerves in your head. HOW do you go on like this without a walking migraine? I have never seen anyone complicate their relationships unecesarily so much in my life. I mean I feel like I'm watching Grey's Anatomy in the earlier seasons, where Meredith just DIDN'T know how to function if she wasn't making her relationship with derek complicated beyond all belief and with no good cause.

 

For that reason, I'm trully torn. There's the part of me that says; listen you want him, he wants you. It's not difficult, work it out. Yes, you have caused some trust issues in him now and those will have to be worked on but if he's willing it can work. Then, there is the other part of me that says oh my, is she even READY for a relationship? Clearly, no. That's a hail no. I don't want to see this guy hurt again simply because you have a flake-out complex, know what I mean?

 

So, if you can get your crap together. Gather your marbles long enough (and I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt that you CAN) to not try and further complicate what's going on between you two; be honest and work on working through things and quit this childish running crap- because you are hurting people but one day you are going to realise how much more you are hurting yourself- then I think it's salvagable. But that's only if you are willing to stop the nonsense, and your antics are exactly that : absolute nonsense. This isn't a movie, this isn't a dramedy or a one hour sitcom of the week on Lifetime. It isn't cute or funny or adorable that you intentionally make a mess of your love life and other people pay the price right along with you. There isn't going to be some kind of music montage that plays.

 

You love this guy,he loves you. Grow up so you two can experience some love and happiness.

WOW WOW WOW!!!!

 

Perfect, hoping2heal! You dished out some tough love there. I am so worried about our OP here. I advised her to go ahead and do whatever she needs to do so that she can see the reality of this disaster.

 

Now, if things work out between the two than kudos! BUt as you advised, both parties need to have a real serious talk about what is it that they want.

And HeavenorHell had a great post about logic. Not using common sense and logic is not "thinking outside the box" it is dangerous for your emotions!

To Ms. Joolie:

Use your head, your heart is deceiving. People think they are listening to their gut but what they REALLY need to do is go to a much darker place when it comes to staying in contact with your ex.

*What is the reality of reconciling?

*What do you WANT in a relationship? Not WHO!

*Is this latest shenanigan healthy and are you happy?

*If say, you DO get back together with your ex. Do you really,truly and honestly believe it's for good....on HIS part?

Answer those questions dead honest and it will guide you to the right direction.

I did this to myself and the answer was..Never him. Never again. No matter how much I loved that man...he will never hurt me again in this life.

You need to think the same way.

[Ms. Joolie]

Great advice everyone, and some real criticisms, too. (love it) Very helpful. Too busy at work now to comment more, but did want to say that I truly am listening to things said.

 

 

What you say makes a difference.

[GrayClouds]

I CAN live as a logic-only being.... but that's boring. Logic alone doesn't help me cope with life or express myself as I need to be expressed.

 

Being illogical, getting outside that box to find more life, is what I covet.

 

So in that way, I prize my emotions over my logic.

 

I knew a woman who would say even though her man would beats her "I can't leave him because I love him" She too prized her emotions over her logic and she too made her life exciting.

 

When your emotions is causing you pain, that is a good indication that it may be time to let logic take the lead.

 

 

 

 

.

[Ms. Joolie]

When your emotions is causing you pain, that is a good indication that it may be time to let logic take the lead.

 

Yes, my emotions have definitely gotten me into a niche now. I need better logic to get me out.

 

This may indeed be another pattern in my life... will have to think about it. It's gotten me far. lol. I wouldn't trade it, but it helps to recognize these things.

[hoping2heal]

Sounds harsh hopingtoheal!

 

Tell me about it!! Imagine being the guy who isn't her ex, who invests feelings but she's in love with someone else? Or, imagine the ex who still loves her- who she calls up and drags back into her life and opens all those wounds up- only to have her pull this?

 

They may be charachters in a story you read on a message board, but these are real people. Real human beings having their feelings disrespected and tossed about carelessly.

 

Mrs.Joolie, I hope you understand that. If nothing else, at the end of the day I hope you understand that no matter how confused in life you are, how unsure of yourself you may be, how unfigured out you have everything right now - please don't be an emotional wrecking ball for others. Do not take them down with you.

[WTRanger]

Tell me about it!! Imagine being the guy who isn't her ex, who invests feelings but she's in love with someone else? Or, imagine the ex who still loves her- who she calls up and drags back into her life and opens all those wounds up- only to have her pull this?

 

They may be charachters in a story you read on a message board, but these are real people. Real human beings having their feelings disrespected and tossed about carelessly.

 

Mrs.Joolie, I hope you understand that. If nothing else, at the end of the day I hope you understand that no matter how confused in life you are, how unsure of yourself you may be, how unfigured out you have everything right now - please don't be an emotional wrecking ball for others. Do not take them down with you.

 

I do wish they get things resolved when they meet. But the key is finally accepting whatever comes out. I'm dealing with a runner and I often wonder if this is going to happen months down the road. Just when I've finally accepted things, the guilt will turn her back into my course. Can't say I wouldn't do the same thing, but at the same time she ran away from we with no explanation. The pain that it has caused cannot be so quickly forgiven. Best of luck to the both of you. It's interesting to read it from your side too. It has opened my eyes a bit to my situation.

 

Though, I really feel for the new guy and the new girl. They are truly innocent passengers on this potential train wreck. Do either of the new people in both of your lives know what is going on?

[HeavenOrHell]

I see where you're coming from now, sorry hun, I'm so tired at the mo, not thinking clearly, yes I agree with what you're saying.

 

 

Tell me about it!! Imagine being the guy who isn't her ex, who invests feelings but she's in love with someone else? Or, imagine the ex who still loves her- who she calls up and drags back into her life and opens all those wounds up- only to have her pull this?

 

They may be charachters in a story you read on a message board, but these are real people. Real human beings having their feelings disrespected and tossed about carelessly.

 

Mrs.Joolie, I hope you understand that. If nothing else, at the end of the day I hope you understand that no matter how confused in life you are, how unsure of yourself you may be, how unfigured out you have everything right now - please don't be an emotional wrecking ball for others. Do not take them down with you.

[Ms. Joolie]

I will affirm that my new relationship, and the ex's new relationship, will be kept in mind in all this. I have no intention of wrecking anybody's emotions over this.

 

My new guy knows I contacted the ex, but doesn't know I'm seeing him tonight. I know I'm going to have to tell him, but first I am waiting to see what happens tonight.

 

Tonight I will meet with the ex, it will be a cozy and intimate setting. Yes, that's right, I am meeting him at his home, about 8. There is no doubt that we will want to be intimate because our love for each other is still there.

 

How this plays out logically, I don't know yet.

 

Perhaps he will choose not to be intimate, but I doubt it or he would not have invited me over to his house. Perhaps once we actually meet there will be no more attraction this time around..... small chance but possible.

 

So that's the real deal now. Another complex emotional situation that I'm getting myself into. I do this, I think, and it helps me acquire emotional intelligence. lol. Seriously. Can't say much for logic though. Now THAT I need help with.

[HeavenOrHell]

Alarm bells ringing. Intimacy? Won't that complicate the issue?! What if you sleep together but can't have a relationship, then what? If you sleep together you will both have to tell your partners.

Be careful please hun

[leap83]

Okay. I need to say this and this is going to be hard:

 

This is sooooo ****ed. Beyond belief. You haven't told the new guy yet?! This shows disrespect. It doesn't matter what is or is not going to happen tonight. You're disrespecting him. You're putting HIS feelings on the backburner. And all you're thinking about is being INTIMATE with your ex?! I'm sorry. Being intimate with him will NOT resolve anything. You will be back to square one. To be quite honest, it seems as though your relationship with your ex is purely physical.

 

I'm going to get flamed for this post. But I've been here. I've done this. I've been in all 3 situations. This is pure stupidity. IMO.

[Odyssey]

Don't always need to dig up past relationship to move on. Most of the time, you can work through them without your ex, especially your own issues. Somtimes a few contact will lead to...just more contact. There's a big difference between closure and hoping for a 2nd chance.

 

Get rid off excess baggage before boarding a new flight.

[LovelyDaze]

Okay. I need to say this and this is going to be hard:

 

This is sooooo ****ed. Beyond belief. You haven't told the new guy yet?! This shows disrespect. It doesn't matter what is or is not going to happen tonight. You're disrespecting him. You're putting HIS feelings on the backburner. And all you're thinking about is being INTIMATE with your ex?! I'm sorry. Being intimate with him will NOT resolve anything. You will be back to square one. To be quite honest, it seems as though your relationship with your ex is purely physical.

 

I'm going to get flamed for this post. But I've been here. I've done this. I've been in all 3 situations. This is pure stupidity. IMO.

 

:eek: Whaaaa??

Like leap83 says. This is sooooo ****ed, indeed!

 

Ms. Joolie, We are all your friends here and that is why we care. But for the love of GOD, why do you guys have to go over to his house in an intimate setting? You said it in a vague way yourself that sex may or may not happen. WHY???!?

 

The adult approach would be to meet at a restaurant or some other public arena. You can still talk "intimately" without the pressure of anything sexual messing it all up.

 

Look, if you two have sex, you are in for a wake-up call to end ALL wake-up calls. He will not respect you. Trust that.

 

And to keep this from your new BF is just not right. Love is not silly as you stated early, it is supposed to be REAL. Anything short of that is phony and wrong.

 

My vote would be to just forget the whole thing because this plan here smells like a terrible debacle for all involved. I just know it. But if you must do it, get ready with some glue and tape because you are going to find out just how many pieces a heart can break into...

[GrayClouds]

I will affirm that my new relationship, and the ex's new relationship, will be kept in mind in all this. I have no intention of wrecking anybody's emotions over this.

 

My new guy knows I contacted the ex, but doesn't know I'm seeing him tonight. I know I'm going to have to tell him, but first I am waiting to see what happens tonight.

 

Tonight I will meet with the ex, it will be a cozy and intimate setting. Yes, that's right, I am meeting him at his home, about 8. There is no doubt that we will want to be intimate because our love for each other is still there.

 

How this plays out logically, I don't know yet.

 

Perhaps he will choose not to be intimate, but I doubt it or he would not have invited me over to his house. Perhaps once we actually meet there will be no more attraction this time around..... small chance but possible.

 

So that's the real deal now. Another complex emotional situation that I'm getting myself into. I do this, I think, and it helps me acquire emotional intelligence. lol. Seriously. Can't say much for logic though. Now THAT I need help with.

 

 

I now understand, this is not about him, it is not about love, it is about an addction to emotional excitement.

 

"Want to know if a given behavior is an addiction? If any of these characteristics apply, chances are it is: zoning out, avoidance, compulsiveness, denial/rationalization, poor thinking, and hiding or lying about the behavior."

 

Leap your 100% correct.

[hoping2heal]

I will affirm that my new relationship, and the ex's new relationship, will be kept in mind in all this. I have no intention of wrecking anybody's emotions over this.

 

My new guy knows I contacted the ex, but doesn't know I'm seeing him tonight. I know I'm going to have to tell him, but first I am waiting to see what happens tonight.

 

Why? Why are you hurting an innocent person just because you are unsure of who you are in life? Do you happen to rationalise away being hurtful and careless with another person's heart simply because unfortunately, they don't have the backbone to assert themselves and ask for respect? It doesn't make it okay you know.

 

Secondly, WHY is there even a "new guy" in the picture at all? Were you not less than a week ago sitting in a dressing room venting away and angry that you were abandoned by the ex and having to go through dating again? So, you call up the ex- you find out he still has feelings for you - you have feelings for him- instead of just coming clean to your respective partners while it is still early so they can both move on and meet people who's hearts don't already belong to someone else- this is what I mean about you complicating things unecesarily. It's not cute, quit the contrary.

 

Why on earth you both didn't do the proper thing and let the "new" people go, and then work on rebuilding your relationship is BEYOND me.

 

Tonight I will meet with the ex, it will be a cozy and intimate setting. Yes, that's right, I am meeting him at his home, about 8. There is no doubt that we will want to be intimate because our love for each other is still there.

 

Yeah and there is nothing wrong with the feelings still being there. However, since you insist on hurting other people for your entertainment to add theatrics and spice to YOUR life, this is just a trainwreck waiting to happen.

 

How this plays out logically, I don't know yet.

 

 

 

Perhaps he will choose not to be intimate, but I doubt it or he would not have invited me over to his house. Perhaps once we actually meet there will be no more attraction this time around..... small chance but possible.

 

Again, what are you doing? So, you have a boyfriend and you know you already hope and plan to have sex with your ex boyfriend? Why? So, you can then tell yourself "look I'm a worthless sl*t and a horrible person"? So you can be surrounded by bad feelings since it is apparently the only thing you know how to be comfortable with - anguish, pain, and bad feelings. You run like the wind in the face of good ones. This is what I meant by don't be a wrecking ball- and that's exactly what you are doing. You are making intentionally poor choices that will hurt and affect other people and not because you don't know better, but because for you? You have learned no other way to exist and function if you haven't set yourself up for dysfunction and chaos and bad feelings.

 

So that's the real deal now. Another complex emotional situation that I'm getting myself into. I do this, I think, and it helps me acquire emotional intelligence. lol. Seriously. Can't say much for logic though. Now THAT I need help with.

 

Emotional intelligence? I'm sorry? You are ON PURPOSE trying to create a situation where two people cheat on their partners (not that you are responsible for your ex's actions, you of coure are not) but you are actually provoking and pushing for that setting. You think this is intelligent on ANY level? Let alone an EMOTIONAL one? You are going to feel like crap and make everyone involved feel like crap too..and you want to spout of EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE?

 

Giiirrrrlll.

[LovelyDaze]

 

So you can be surrounded by bad feelings since it is apparently the only thing you know how to be comfortable with - anguish, pain, and bad feelings. You run like the wind in the face of good ones. This is what I meant by don't be a wrecking ball- and that's exactly what you are doing. You are making intentionally poor choices that will hurt and affect other people and not because you don't know better, but because for you? You have learned no other way to exist and function if you haven't set yourself up for dysfunction and chaos and bad feelings.

 

 

 

 

 

hoping2heal, you continue to wow me.

I am so afraid of what Ms. Joolie may be up to right now. It is just not fair that the other people involved are probably falling in love with the ex & Ms. Joolie.

Ms. Joolie, whenever you are done with the "intimate" discussion. Let us know how well that went. In any case, you might need to part company with the new beau. He doesn't deserve this.

You will have him become a member of LS in no time flat.

[leap83]

Some people just love to create drama in their lives and hurt others on their way to what they *think* is a better life. I thought the whole point of life is to learn from past experiences and not to do onto others you wouldn't want others to do onto you. Karma is a bitch. And it bites you in the @$$ when you least expect it. Watch what I've said.

[TaraMaiden]

This thread stinks.

 

So the 'good reason' stated in the first post is actually utter BS.

You just want to be back with him and spread 'em for him.

 

Any idea how crazy that makes you?

 

The bottom line is that this is all just cr*p.

Msjoolie, I'm sorry, but if you think these kinds of actions are actually positive and constructive in moving on and getting over the ex- and the old relationship - you are completely ass-about-face. You're living in la-la-land, and frankly you're being selfish, needy, inconsiderate, undignified, misguided and my question to you is,

 

What the hell is the end-game?

 

or more succinctly - What the ph-u -u ck are you thinking??

 

You do this, and I can see that you're not going to get any support from the LSers who hitherto have tried to help you.

When things fall apart, where here for you.

But when you deliberately, systematically sabotage your own recovery, and wilfully create your own hell and then some - well kiddo - you're on your own.

 

Go ahead.

get your kicks and get screwed. in more ways than one.

Make all the excuses, justifications, reasons and explanations you like.

Whatever floats your boat.

But when you're in the middle of the sea, sinking and the sharks are circling - yeah, good luck with that.

[Ms. Joolie]

Many of you have the wrong idea when it comes to the new relationships the ex and I are in. They are brand new. The ex has only begun casually dating this other person, and they haven't had any talks yet about what they are... no exclusivity stuff. I trust he will handle his business as he is absolutely not the type of guy to play with someones feelings. I know this.

 

For myself, the new relationship was with a man I've only just met. We went out on a Monday night date for the first time. Then we had a date the following Saturday and Sunday. We spent a lot of time with each other in that week, the first week I knew him.

 

So it's not like either one of us is in a relationship. He said she was not his girlfriend and my new relationship does not mean he's my boyfriend.

 

What happened, the whole subject of this thread, was that I was getting along quite nicely with the new guy. Only thing was I didn't know how to handle the emotions for my ex. There was anger and sadness, and there was a real trauma once the new guy wanted more, wanted to be more intimate. I found a big problem with that, and wasn't ready for it at all.

 

The new guy that I had begun seeing is an extraordinary person, a very spiritual person. For lack of a better way of saying this, he could see right through me. It was refreshing. He showed me what it means to be open and honest on a whole new level. THAT is why, when it came to us developing intimacy, I couldn't hide that I still loved my ex.

 

So I took it upon myself to solve that problem. And the new guy knows. I'm going to talk to him about everything, and I look forward to it. I'm going to tell him how just being around him made me get honest about myself. I had relationship baggage, and that was something I needed to get rid of. So it seemed.

 

Last night went very well with the ex. We met up, he taught me some salsa steps he's learned, we had some wine and we talked. We cried. I was completely honest about things. He was, too. So, yes, our history together is such that it was normal to spend the night with him.

 

So I broke NC, poured my heart out and now I have to accept this new turn of events. Of course I'm going to tell the new guy, and T is going to tell whoever he was seeing.

 

I have to accept now what I've done. I've reopened this relationship. And I see that now, instead of being the lover I was and denying the relationship he wanted, I have to offer a relationship.

 

I'm clueless on romantic relationships. But I'm going to give it all I've got. We both admit we love each other still, that we want each other.... so now I have to offer that relationship.

 

I considered this man my husband in my thoughts, wanted him as such. And he's considered me his wife in his daydreams, so he admitted last night. So I just hope that you all understand this real connection that we've had, and why it was so hard to be intimate with another man.

 

I made an idiot of myself, but it was worth it. I'm going to offer him a relationship. I'm going to love him. Then just let it be. Either he's not going to want it or we're going to have a real, lasting relationship. But now that I've jumped back in, I'm committed to not run away.

[Art_Critic]

But now that I've jumped back in, I'm committed to not run away.

 

But is he ?.. you mentioned that he is going to tell who he is dating ..

Be careful.. he might just back burner the new girl and tell you that it is over.

 

The interesting thing is that if it works then you get to say it was the right move and if it fails then you get to say it was the wrong move and you missed out an opportunity with a really good guy..

 

Good Luck.. following your heart is always the right move unless the other person isn't invested..