Anyone here needed "alone time" in relationships and it's presented an issue?

[baz123]

Hi All,

 

Basically, I am one of those people who needs copious amounts of alone time, whether I am in a relationship or not, and this is presenting an issue in my current relationship, so far about 4 and a half months old. The details: I am a grad student who, apart from school, has many hobbies and passions including reading, writing, keeping in touch with old friends, etc. MBTI personality type is INTP. My current girlfriend is a professional working full time, MBTI personality type ISTJ, enjoys sitting quietly and looking out the window, among other things she picks up whenever she feels the impulse. Generally, she comes home from work and naps.

 

The problem that has come up now is that I feel she is demanding too much of me. A number of times, I've told her I need some alone time, and she ignores it and schedules something during that time, or otherwise comes over on some or other pretext. Yesterday, she said we should do more things outside the house. I told her, okay, sure, i'm down with that, but we already spend time together eating dinner, chatting about our day, and/or going out sometimes. Our going out dwindled over the last month as I had final exams. Still, I feel like meeting her 3-4 times a week should be more than plenty and am beginning to feel suffocated by her frequent text messages and suggestions that I spend even more time with her.

 

When she said we should go out more, I responded that I would be happy to do so if she showed more enthusiasm for things I enjoy. She said it is not up to me to decide her level of enthusiasm. Frankly, I hate going places and having discussions with people who don't have at least a minimum level of interest in something, such that any discussion you have with them is entirely superficial. I go to school all day with people who, while very bright, could care less about things that interest me, and I prefer to spend my free time learning things that engage me.

 

Finally, while I personally feel that she should have a life of her own, I feel that none of that is really my business given she is a professional with full time work responsibilities, UNLESS it impinges on my time in a harmful way, which is what I see happening. The one day I told her I needed time to myself, I received 4 text messages throughout the day of the following sort: 1. what's up? 2. alone time? or upset? 3. could i interest you in a game of xyz as next week we may not have much time to spend together? 4. is everything all right?

 

My friends say that this is an odd problem to have because if you like someone, you do not mind sharing your stuff with them. But I feel that they don't understand because I have always needed copious amounts of alone time. One reason I was initially attracted to my current gf was because I thought she was independent and had her own life, but now I am fearing that she doesn't, and I am going to be suffocated in her efforts to find out "what we both like as a couple." It's already starting to get that way...

 

Any thoughts/experiences with this? How do you negotiate these things with people who just don't get it? How do you deal with an SO who may not have that full life you do and leans on you?

 

Thank you.

[Ruby Slippers]

But I feel that they don't understand because I have always needed copious amounts of alone time.

You need to accept the reality that this quality is not attractive to most women (maybe also true for men), for numerous reasons. If you want a peaceful and fulfilling relationship, you are going to have to do one of the following:

 

1. Find a woman who does not mind being in a relationship with a guy who needs copious amounts of alone time, or

2. Find a woman with whom you can compromise on this point to mutual satisfaction.

 

Do you think you can reach a mutually satisfying agreement with her?

[whichwayisup]

There has to be a balance, spending time together, but also each of you have your own lives, friends and things you do on your own. It's hard to be around someone 24/7 and not get sick of eachother.. It's healthy and she needs to understand that if you don't want to see her everyday, not to take it personally..It's not about her, it's about you and your space.

 

Just speak from your heart, understand her feelings on this, and hopefully she'll give you the same respect back, then you two can make a compromise.

[westrock]

Baz,

 

In a relationship, people do need alone time, but I'm curious to know why you need "copious amounts of alone time"? A relationship usually involves both alone time and also spending lots of time together.

 

When you are spending time with her, are you spending quality time with her or are you two just present in the same room and each doing their own thing? When you are spending time together, make sure you are fully present mentally and physically otherwise she will feel you are not really spending time with her and it will only lead to her asking for you to spend more time with her.

 

When she said we should go out more, I responded that I would be happy to do so if she showed more enthusiasm for things I enjoy. She said it is not up to me to decide her level of enthusiasm. Frankly, I hate going places and having discussions with people who don't have at least a minimum level of interest in something, such that any discussion you have with them is entirely superficial. I go to school all day with people who, while very bright, could care less about things that interest me, and I prefer to spend my free time learning things that engage me.

 

She is right. Let her decide her level of enthusiasm. Just because she does not appear enthusiastic about something, it doesn't mean that she is not enjoying herself. Maybe she gets excited knowing that you are enthusiastic. Everyone experiences things differently. As an example, maybe you like to race cars, and she likes to watch from the sidelines -- it doesn't mean she's not enthusiastic or enjoying herself.

 

You may think that people you are encountering "don't have at least a minimum level of interest in something", but that is likely not the case if you were to engage them in discussion about what interests them. Everyone is passionate about something. But if you are only interested in your own interests, you will always find communication with others as superficial. Besides, not every discussion has to be a deep discussion, at least initially. Discussions of a "superficial" nature are also an important component of social interaction to build trust which will lead to more deeper discussions. Next time you find yourself with people having a "superficial" discussion try taking the lead and show more interest in their interests and you will find people are interested in deeper discussions about other topics that you may actually find interesting yourself if you were to show some interest yourself.

 

The one day I told her I needed time to myself, I received 4 text messages throughout the day of the following sort: 1. what's up? 2. alone time? or upset? 3. could i interest you in a game of xyz as next week we may not have much time to spend together? 4. is everything all right?

 

Do you see how you are contributing to the situation? Would it have killed you to have responded to her texts? All you had to do was take 30 seconds to respond to the first text with "Alone time. I'll be with you tomorrow for together time. Love, Baz" and you could have had the rest of the day to yourself for your alone time. By not responding, it only caused her to escalate.

 

It seems that the two of you need to communicate more and work out how to handle your need for space and her need to spend time together at times.

[baz123]

Hi Westrock,

 

Thank you for your suggestions. While it is true I did not initially respond to her first text message, I did respond to the second one saying it was alone time. I had also told her a week earlier that after finals I would need a couple days alone to decompress, which didn't happen and I ended up with her, leaving me feeling that need later. I also told her the night before that I needed some alone time. I don't know if these statements just fly over her head or what.

 

As far as why I need alone time: there are just a lot of things I like to do alone. I write (a lot), and I find the creative impulse strikes me most when I'm sitting quietly at home, lost in my mind, reading interesting articles or doing some scheduled activity. I also need a lot of mental stimulation, and meet that by going to different things by myself and learning. During the grad school semester, I also need to study after classes, and I cannot really study around people, so I'm usually by myself in a library.

 

As far as connecting with people, I have never really had any problems with small talk. People find me to be engaging and a good conversationalist, mainly because I am very curious about people. I do reach out more with people I feel I've truly connected with, but for most others, I can safely say that they feel I am a great conversationalist. It also happens a lot that people really tell me about their ambitions, passions, and disappointments a lot. It is kind of like the carnegie method before I actually ever read a line of that book. If you listen, then people think you are really interested in them.

 

On the other hand, this is no guarantee of mutual interest. I can be interested in people for some time, but then lose my interest, or become so totally engaged in one of my projects, academically or hobby-wise, that I entirely forget about people, unless they are close friends or we share a connection and they come to mind.

 

As far as our time together:

- from the beginning to mid-end of semester: we spent a lot of time together talking, cuddling, etc. I would say, we prepared dinner together and then sat down and ate dinner and talked afterward as well. ONe thing is she doesn't express herself very well, when talking about herself personally or telling me about her day. Very generic, very un-specific, she has begun to share more but just about work, which I understand to be a big deal, but yeah.

- during that same time period, we went to a lot of events outside the house: live music, eating out, bars, etc. It tapered off a bit because of exams but I do not see it dying out, either.

- I generally avoid being in the same space and doing something else. For some people that works but I find I am unproductive doing whatever it is I am doing. So I guess, no, our time was fully our time together.

- Following from that, that's why I'm having issues now....I feel she wants to get into my space now. I don't do other things during our time together, but I don't get why she needs to get into my time with myself.

 

Thank you for your input, Westrock. I will talk to her with what you said in mind.

[baz123]

Ruby Slippers,

 

Thank you for your thoughts.

1. that is always the idea with regard to the women I date; I always look out for cues indicating such, but doesn't always work out that way, I concede.

2. that is the question, isn't it?

 

I will soon find out!

[baz123]

Hi Whichwayisup,

 

I read your reply a couple times, and I think what you said "she needs to understand that if you don't want to see her everyday, not to take it personally..It's not about her, it's about you and your space" is very important, and also to speak from my heart. I am going to think a little about this so that it comes out right and then do that. You are right, we can only live with integrity. Thanks.

[Nocturnal]

I am the same way, and I think it boils down to people being two different ways, something that I read about some years ago. Basically people come in two variations; introverts and extroverts (though realistically I am sure we all fall somewhere in between that, but for the sake of getting to the point, let's use extremes).

 

Extroverts are people who enjoy being social, not just because it's fun but because it gives them energy and stimulation.

 

Introverts are the complete opposite, they have their energy drained by being social and are more stimulated and like to recharge their batteries on their own.

 

I am the latter, and I know this because if I haven't had time to myself in a while, it actually manifests itself in my mood and disposition towards pretty much everything. I get annoyed more easily, and I have a much lower tolerance towards issues with other people. And having lived with a parter in an apartment without any room I could go into and do my hobbies and close the door behind me meant that after a few months, I was a trainwreck. I got mentally tired, cranky and didn't do anything of value. And that was part of what ruined that relationship, I grew tired of the relationship because I had no time "off" from my partner or in general. I had no alone time, basically.

 

But as our society is pretty social and a lot of people are extrovert, it can be difficult to explain to someone who may be an extrovert how it is to be an introvert, because they simply don't get it by just saying "I need to be alone." They need a reason, as they dont enjoy being alone.

 

Good luck with your situation, I am sure if you explain it well enough that she'll get it. But it's tricky to explain why you dont want to be with your partner and it's nothing personal, heh.