Ex drops off all my stuff, what does this mean?

[J dub]

I really dont get this.

 

I need some input...

 

My ex and I have been off and on for years now and its been murky all along. After 5ish years of being together I wanted to take it to the next step (engagement) and he resisted so I backed off and finally broke it off.

 

I started seeing someone else and he found out through the grapevine. Sent me a text saying I am a liar and a cheat and to lose his number. I never lied, nor cheated...I just moved on.

 

Today, after not seeing eachother in months, he drops off all my stuff from his place.

 

And I dont mean just MY stuff - I mean EVERYTHING we've been through in the past 7 years. All of our Pictures, letters, ticket stubs, brochures of places we went...he kept everything of "us" for the past 7 years.

 

Cards I made him/gave him, <- wtf!

 

Even some really personal stuff.

 

I wasn't here when he dropped it off, my room mate was.

 

And that was it.

 

Why not throw it away? Why give this back to me? ???? Is this some sort of last "stunt" to hurt me? He knows me pretty well, and probably knows this would get to me.

 

I wanted to send a text asking him the above questions but I dont think anything he will say is going to be nice. AND I think maybe thats what he wants, is my attention.

 

But...wtf..

[J dub]

The only thing i can come up with is he thinks me seeing all of this is going to stir the pot, get feelings that have been long gone "come back", and to make me feel like he doesn't care anymore by saying "here, I am getting you out of my life".

 

But then, what's the point in that?! This has really upset me a lot.

[Boundary Problem]

The only thing i can come up with is he thinks me seeing all of this is going to stir the pot, get feelings that have been long gone "come back", and to make me feel like he doesn't care anymore by saying "here, I am getting you out of my life".

 

But then, what's the point in that?! This has really upset me a lot.

 

 

 

He cares a lot.

 

He kept all the stuff.

 

He doesn't want you dating the other guy, but he doesn't want to commit himself to you.

 

He sounds like he has wasted quite a bit of your time and if marriage is important to you, don't let this distract you.

[J dub]

if marriage is important to you, don't let this distract you.

 

It is, and I thought for a very long time that he was the one for me. But he dragged his feet big time, not getting me a ring said to me he didnt want to make the ultimate commitment.

 

I am trying hard to let this go but it seriously hurts. Made me cry.

 

Its one thing to throw out all of the things you had together, all the things that reminded you of them. But give them to that person?! It seems to me like some kind of trick to pull heart strings.

[Boundary Problem]

It is, and I thought for a very long time that he was the one for me. But he dragged his feet big time, not getting me a ring said to me he didnt want to make the ultimate commitment.

 

I am trying hard to let this go but it seriously hurts. Made me cry.

 

Its one thing to throw out all of the things you had together, all the things that reminded you of them. But give them to that person?! It seems to me like some kind of trick to pull heart strings.

 

 

 

He's trying to pull at your heart strings, without getting engaged. He knows exactly what he's doing.

 

I call this the "Too little, too late" method of dealing with a serious relationship that needs to either move forward or end.

[ADF]

He's definately sending a message, and that message is he is removing you from his life completely. What's to say? If he wanted to be with you, he should have gotten engaged.

[tryagaintoday]

maybe i can provide some insights from the other shoe.

 

I, too, dropped all those stuff back to my cheating ex whom dumped me.

Reason is because I wanted a complete break and just treat that all those 13 years were not there. Nothing to remind me. So I choose to give it back to her. She can dump them if she do not want them.

[singlegirl]

In the words of beyonce, if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it....

 

He wants it both ways...his way....keep NC and go find a man who knows your true value. I really do believe men who can't commit think there's someone better out there. personally I can't be with a man who doesn't think I am all that...no one is perfect but these guys don't know what real love is...

 

You are better off. You are worth so much more

[J dub]

What is odd is that i did find someone else and it was then that he decided to do this.

 

Giving ME the stuff back makes zero sense in that if he wants me out of his life completely, fine. Throw it out.

 

Returning it is a smack in the face.

 

ps. I didn't cheat. He said that because in his head, he thinks that my moving on is cheating. Apparently.

[singlegirl]

I know you found a man but I mean find one who will commit. five years and no ring to me is odd. He's just not that into you or he wouldn't take the risk of not marrying you IMHO.

 

His ego is dented, he wants things the way they were but he doesn't want it enough to marry you

[EricaH329]

ps. I didn't cheat. He said that because in his head, he thinks that my moving on is cheating. Apparently.

 

Ha! This all sounds too familiar. After my ex and I broke up the first time, and he said he couldn't be with me, I started seeing someone else. When he found out about this, he accused me of the same nonsense. When I explained to him that we weren't together, you know what he said? "Loopholes".

 

It's a selfish act on their part. They want it all without having to put any real effort into it. It's rediculous.

 

Look at it this way. Now you have a box of things that you didn't have before, to tape up and store away in your attic so that in 10 years from now when all of this is behind you you'll have memories that he will never get back.

 

I know this hurts. But I can promise you that he will regret giving everything back to you once he realizes he has nothing to show for your relationship together.

[e.clipse]

he is hurt that you are seeing someone else, and, in his hurt, he is trying to hurt you.

 

it is my opinion that when someone pulls off stunts like these, it is not because they genuinely stopped caring or are trying to move on, but rather it is because they are angry and hurt and are retaliating in they way they know best: by boxing up lovely memories and throwing them on the ground, as if they don't care, as if you don't mean anything more.

 

it is petty, ridiculous, and juvenile. now that he lost you, he wants you, but instead of being honest and trying to work things out, he is trying to reel you in by pulling disgusting stunts to hurt you.

 

i know it must be very difficult, and i am sincerely sorry you are going through this. not only are on-off relationships hard in and of themselves, but when they end like this...oh boy. but then again, how else can such a rollercoaster ride of a relationship end other than with a low?

 

your best bet would be to keep the things that are yours and throw/put the rest away and say nothing to him. the more you communicate, the more you feed it, and the more you feed it, the more it eats you.

[DustySaltus]

After my Ex fiance decided to kick me out half way across the worls she told me she would be sending all of my stuff back shortly, including the $7000 ring but I never got anything almost 6 months later. So in my case I would've been happy to get some of my stuff back but I never did. Never cheated, moved across the world for her and I'm sure being the vindictive person that she is, when I least expected it there will be a package waiting for me at the door. Why, because of her ego and selfishness.

 

I know if I reactivated my facebook account tomorrow and had a picture with a new girl that I'm seeing kissing me, I would get a call in the 3 hours...after 2 months of NC. Not because they care about my feeling, but they are trying to protect theirs....and their mistakes.

[trueblue72ny]

i think him dropping off ticket stubs and all that little memoribilia is him telling you he is mad and hurt because he cares. i think him giving you it back is the only way he can have maximum impact. it will hurt you the most.

 

but he should take a good hard look, what can he really expect at this point? it doesnt appear he wanted to do anything with you? on again, off again, murky, after 5ish years? that kinda sucks. i can testify to that.

 

you wanted to know if you could count on him in life. he resisted just in trying to get engaged. come on buddy.

 

ya sorry you are going thru all this J dub.

[J dub]

Thanks guys, your replies really helped settle the restlessness this caused.

 

I guess regardless of what he intended, the important thing is how I REACT - right? If at all, of course. Which I am not.

 

ericaH, you are so right - now he has nothing to show for that entirety.

 

e.clipse, very good points indeed. Thank you.

 

Dusty, i know its easier to think "if x would happen I would probably feel better" but then when it does, you wont. And you are SO right about them protecting their own feelings. ugh so selfish!

 

Trueblue, I agree. It was more like 7 years, but the last two were so off/on/off that I dont really count them as much. But 5 solid years - nice. His excuse was everything you could imagine, wanting to get a better job, move somewhere nicer, be able to afford a really nice ring. My current bf and I were out shopping recently and he wanted to go look at rings (HE, not me - I didnt even suggest it) and the funny thing is my hand is so small, one measily ct diamond looks gigantic on my hand. So much for it being "really nice and flashy".

 

Excuses, excuses. He was always full of em.

[Kantor]

I really dont get this.

 

I need some input...

 

My ex and I have been off and on for years now and its been murky all along. After 5ish years of being together I wanted to take it to the next step (engagement) and he resisted so I backed off and finally broke it off.

 

I started seeing someone else and he found out through the grapevine. Sent me a text saying I am a liar and a cheat and to lose his number. I never lied, nor cheated...I just moved on.

 

Today, after not seeing eachother in months, he drops off all my stuff from his place.

 

And I dont mean just MY stuff - I mean EVERYTHING we've been through in the past 7 years. All of our Pictures, letters, ticket stubs, brochures of places we went...he kept everything of "us" for the past 7 years.

 

Cards I made him/gave him, <- wtf!

 

Even some really personal stuff.

 

I wasn't here when he dropped it off, my room mate was.

 

And that was it.

 

Why not throw it away? Why give this back to me? ???? Is this some sort of last "stunt" to hurt me? He knows me pretty well, and probably knows this would get to me.

 

I wanted to send a text asking him the above questions but I dont think anything he will say is going to be nice. AND I think maybe thats what he wants, is my attention.

 

But...wtf..

 

 

Ok, I don't know you or your relationship, but I'm fairly certain I am a twin of your ex so to speak... let me explain.

 

My ex and I dated for four years, lived together for one and a half years also. Were both young, in our twenties, but marriage was always important to my ex. About once a year or so the topic would come up. It wasn't "Hey I want to be married now" it was "I would like to know, someday, will you marry me?"

 

Now, I knew I loved this girl (still do to be honest), I knew I wanted to be with her in a committed relationship (we lived together, shared everything) but I just couldn't think of marriage. I would come up with excuses including, were too young, I don't know if I'm ready, How do I know you're the one etc..Etc...

 

Simply putting it, I was scared of marriage and what it meant. I couldn't pull the "trigger."

 

Some will say, including myself, I suffer from a condition called commitmentphobia, being scared of commitment. Now I've read a lot of books and come to find out that my commitmentphobia is a mild case, but it still caused the ultimate downfall of my relationship with a wonderful person.

 

It sounds to me, through what I've read, he may be in the same boat.

 

Now, here's where we dig into your situation a little more...

 

When a commitmentphobe gets out of a relationship, usually they will feel like they made the right decision. Think of claustrophobia, once you get out of that small area you feel better right? However, as time passes he begins to reevaluate what has happened. He realized what he lost, and hearing / seeing you with another person makes him realize the mistakes he has made.

 

What I did when I realized this (before she was seeing someone else) I did the whole beg and pled thing, which as everyone here knows always fails. (D'oh!)

 

I tried no contact, I tried limited contact and then she shut me out completely. She just stopped responding all together.

 

I've thought of things to do to try to make her think of me and contact me... perhaps this is what went through your ex's mind.

 

It’s his latest effort to put you back into his mind and to most likely try to get you back.

 

Now take this as a warning if any of this sounds like your ex.

 

Commitmentphobes don’t usually change, not because they don't want to but because they don't realize they have a problem.

 

It takes looking at your situation; you’re dating history to discovery whether or not you do actually have a problem.

 

Many times people will use blame and guilt to move their own problems onto someone else.

 

However, it is not impossible to change, as I feel I have began to do so.

I realized that my problem lay with the ideals of marriage and not marriage itself. I had a lot of false fantasies floating around my head on what marriage is. Whether it be... "Will I always be in love with this person" or "will I live a boring life with this person" etc... Etc... There are so many things that get in the way of a Commitmentphobes psyche.

 

What I had to look at is what a commitment truly is, and what it means to be in a commitment relationship. I had to look at my past and realize the mistakes I had made in my own love life, and the mistakes I had about the ideals of commitment and what marriage are.

 

So there's hope!

 

Even though hope can be a hurtful thing, there can be hope in any situation.

 

I know I am on the road to changing my ways, and being a better person because of it. However, it is too late for my past love. (I say I hold no hope of her ever coming back, I broke her heart too many times... I'll always have a little hope.)

 

Hope this sleds some light, many will say he doesn't love you and doesn't deserve you, that may be true.

 

People do change, and there is always the potential for a relationship to grow stronger from a traumatic experience such as the ones we face.

 

If this speaks to you, then I hope it sheds some light on perhaps whats going on in his head.

 

Basically like you said, its important how you respond. Respond to how, how you want to. If you've truly moved on then its time for him to move on too. He'll have nothing left to show for it and he "should" feel better. You can try to feel a sense of closure from this then though.

 

Although you have to understand I know where hes coming from, we made a stupid mistake because we couldn't see what we were losing until it was already gone.

 

Good luck in your situation sounds like you have moved on and can learn from the events of the past seven years.

Edited December 23, 2009 by Kantor
Added more

[J dub]

Thanks Kantor, you kind of look like my ex so that post made me panic for a moment there, lol.

 

i have moved on though, and I have firsthand seen these "commitment phobes" turn around and marry someone only knowing them for 6 mos.

 

So perhaps she just wasn't right for you, otherwise you would have known, and would have taken action...

 

What you have said though makes a lot of sense and although it hurts to hear in some ways, I know that he is probably the exact duplicate of you. So, knowing as much makes me more confident that letting go and moving on was the right thing.

 

I really dont want to go through this stuff I'll probably pack it away til I feel stronger.

[Angel1111]

maybe i can provide some insights from the other shoe.

 

I, too, dropped all those stuff back to my cheating ex whom dumped me.

Reason is because I wanted a complete break and just treat that all those 13 years were not there. Nothing to remind me. So I choose to give it back to her. She can dump them if she do not want them.

 

She's not a cheating ex and I doubt that he is acting like those years didn't exist in the same way you did. You had reason to do that - he didn't. He chose not to commit to her and he's paying the price. Too bad for him. He did this to get at her - and it worked.

 

J dub, good for you for not texting him. He's probably seething now because he expected you to take the bait. And good for you for walking away from something that wasn't working for you.

[J dub]

Thanks angel, I appreciate that a lot. Sometimes we do things and wonder if it was the "right" thing to do, and I am feeling more and more like I did what I had to

 

But its always nice to hear others reinforce that sentiment

[Angel1111]

Thanks angel, I appreciate that a lot. Sometimes we do things and wonder if it was the "right" thing to do, and I am feeling more and more like I did what I had to

 

But its always nice to hear others reinforce that sentiment

 

 

You're welcome.