No Contact?

[Simon Attwood]

I've noticed a tendency, when responding to posts about break ups, divorces, etc. for some people to scream "No Contact!" as an almost "knee jerk" reaction.

 

It really isn't always the answer, in some ways it can make a situation a lot worse.

 

I understand that it is about protecting yourself from the emotional or psychological destructive intents apparent in relationship conflicts, but if you have to protect yourself, you have to ask what you are really protecting.

 

When we protect ourselves, we become very defensive and when we become defensive a different part of our brain takes over our decision making. We build impenetrable walls that neither let others in, nor let ourselves out. We build ourselves prisons and these prisons often become very difficult to escape from. We narrow our vision to almost blind ourselves to anything except things that threaten to break through our walls, and we will attack anything that threatens to break through or dismantle our walls.

 

Walk through any major city with your eyes open, and you will see that nearly everyone walking around, is walking around in their own prison. Afraid of pain, afraid of hurt, afraid of reaching out and afraid of anyone else reaching in.

 

“All the lonely people, where do they all come from? All the lonely people, where do they all belong?”

 

There are often times, many olive branches offered, in relationship conflicts, tentatively, carefully, often to see if they get noticed or what reaction they get. And when we are in a self defensive state of myopia, we either don’t see them, or we feel threatened by them because we are in defensive mode, and we try to bite the hand off that is holding the branch. Like a wounded or abused animal might try and bite our hand off, when we reach out to it to try and help it.

 

We’ve much more in common with the other animals than we like to admit.

 

When we extend ourselves, our self enters a new and unfamiliar territory. Our self becomes a new and different self. we do things we are not accustomed to do. We change. The experience of change, of unaccustomed activity, of being on unfamiliar ground, of doing things differently, is frightening. It always was and always will be. People handle their fear of change in different ways, but the fear is inescapable if the changes are to take place. Courage is not the absence of fear, it is the making a decision in spite of fear, the moving out and changing against the resistance engendered by fear in to the unknown and in to the future. On some level spiritual growth, and therefore love, always requires courage and involves risk

 

We can love only that which in one way or another has importance for us. But with cathexis there is always the risk of loss or rejection. If you move out to another human being, there is always the risk that that person will move away from you, leaving you more painfully alone than you were before. Love anything that lives - a person, a pet, a plant - and it will die. Trust anybody and you may be hurt, depend on anyone and that someone may let you down. The price of risking love, is pain. If someone is determined not to or fears the risk of pain, then that person must do without a great many things in life - Having Children, Getting Married, The ecstasy of sex, the hope of ambition, friendship - all that makes life alive, meaningful and significant. Risk growing in any direction and pain as well as joy will be your reward. A full life will be full of pain and suffering, it is inevitable for risk brings with it failure as well as success. But the only alternative is not to live fully or not to live at all. To live in fear.

 

M Scott Peck "The Road Less Travelled"

[EricaH329]

Wow, that quote you posted was great! It was definitely on point!

 

Just felt like I needed to comment. Great post!

 

BTW - Do you think that maybe this should have been posted in the coping forum, instead of the Second Chances forum? To me, this post was more about why it's alright to feel pain after we lose something important to us, than trying to get another back after the relationship has ended.

 

Maybe i'm taking something different out of this post than what was originally meant to be portrayed?

[Simon Attwood]

BTW - Do you think that maybe this should have been posted in the coping forum, instead of the Second Chances forum? To me, this post was more about why it's alright to feel pain after we lose something important to us, than trying to get another back after the relationship has ended.

 

Maybe i'm taking something different out of this post than what was originally meant to be portrayed?

 

I was toying between both, and picked this one.

 

take from it what works for you

[HeavenOrHell]

I agree, NC isn't the right thing for everyone, my relationship therapist said to me there's no set rules, you have to do what feels right day by day. Admittedly I find it extremely hard at times having contact with him, but I wanted to see if he held an olive branch out to me as he left me out of neglect the last 2 years, and he knows I have made changes the last few months.

He probably won't want to reconcile but how did anyone know that for sure?

I would find NC harder at the moment.

[thatguy90]

I have to agree with what you have said, No Contact is one way to deal with your pain, but sometimes there are different ways. A movie example is Forrest Gump, he loved Jenny, but at the same time he lived his life, and completed life goals and kept his promises. Yes it is a movie but it shows that you can have a life without your ex-gf or ex-bf, and then you will have a life, you will meet new people along the way and keep old friends. As he said "life is like a box of chocolates you never know what you are going to get".

[Kantor]

I also initially tried contact, limited contact, and then now no contact.

 

I agree in the fact that one should not always JUMP into no contact, you need to speak your mind get what needs to be said out there.

 

If that all fails, which it did for me, it was time to move down the chain, try limited contact, if that fails, then its no contact to heal and move on.

 

So yes, no contact isn't for everyone, but if things don't work out its a powerful healing tool. A way to move on.