Missed her signal to transition once - is there still a chance or should I move on?

[Bollocks]

Some background:

 

We are both college-age students (I am still currently in college, she just withdrew to figure some **** out). I live in a pretty crazy social situation, and she moved in at the beginning of the summer, escaping some past demons from her hometown across the country.

 

I was pretty impressed with her, but had no confidence to actually TELL her I like her, so we just flirt and go on a few adventures. After 3 months or so of this, I finally work up to courage to ask her out on a date. She tells me that one of the reasons she moved across the country was to get out of a stagnant dating situation with some dude, and she doesn't know what she wants but something different. She also tells me that being physical right off the bat is important to her for having any sort of physical relationship, and that she likes me, but isn't sure what that means yet.

 

I slow down, realize I need to chill out and learn to enjoy life again without seeing this amazing girl everyday. So I do for a month and a half or so. Then I do something crazy and really romantic one night after some awkward interactions at a party, and we end up kissing underneath the winter moon. She still says - I hope you aren't expecting more, cause I still don't know how I feel about this.

 

I chill on it again and hang out with other people for about a month, get a few other girls numbers. I still miss this girl, and resolve to be just friends with her if I think I can handle it.

 

We start hanging out again, and she is a dear- following me around, doing whatever I feel like doing. We do a fun mutual activity, and she follows me back to my apartment (which she has told me before that she hates and thinks is cold - lol). As if it wasn't any clearer by her obvious effort to hang out with me that evening despite her friends inviting her to other things - she makes my bed when I am in the bathroom filling up the bong. We watch some TV, cuddle a little bit. After a while, she stand up and que's me in for a hug. We hug and she locks eye contact and gives me what Yukikazi calls the "Doggie Dinner Bowl" eyes. I pull away, squeeze her hand, and tell her Ill see her tomorrow. She awkwardly backs up looks at me like she hasn't before... says "okay", and then leaves. Two minutes later, sitting there stoned on my couch- I realize and yell out loud **** **** ****- her last look at me before leaving was clearly a confused "This is the chance you've been waiting for to **** the **** out of me, what are you doing?"

 

I had all but written off turning our friendship into something more because she told me "unsure" before, and I had interpreted that as "no".

 

Then at another college social event a couple days later we are both wasted, we end up kissing, but she freaks out a little and we end up talking about life and our mutual anxieties, etc. She tells me about the turbulent spot she is in right now, a close friend died back home, etc. We really open up. I'm drunk, but she is quite a bit drunker than I am, so I decide not to push it and I just put her to bed as she is passing out- and I go hang out with my other friends at the party.

 

Since then, she has been sending me entirely mixed messages- we have no problem flirting physically, but she flirts the same way with other dudes. I remain fairly distant, only talking to her if she seems to be making an effort.

 

She just went away for a couple of weeks over xmas, and the situation is ambiguous.

 

So- senior loveshack members: I clearly missed the opportunity she gave me to take the friendship up to the next level, but she still gave me the window so something in her mind about me clearly changed over the last couple of months. Will she give me another opportunity or did I miss it and I should just move on? How should I interpret her flirting with other dudes after the recent evening of drunken physical intimacy?

 

Keep in mind we are both flakes and a bit crazy.

Edited December 23, 2009 by Bollocks

[Yukikazi]

LOL wow.. you actually referenced me.. hahah cool thanks

 

Ok.. yes you ****ed up by not moving after she gave you the DDB eyes.

Depending on the situation you may have ****ed up a second time when you were both drunk. Depends on what caused the freekout..

 

How often does she contact you nowadays?

Any chance to see her over the holiday?

Are you keeping the lines of communication open when you are not paying attention to her or are you literally ignoring her?

Did she start flirting with other guys after the above incidents or was she doing that before?

What is the time span this all occurred in?

 

With her being away for the holiday she may come back wanting you again or she may resolve to move on. Time will tell at the moment.

If you will be maintaining contact with her such as via txt.. keep it light and flirty.. use innuendo but be careful as you cannot imply tonality via txt so you will have to use smilies.. but sparingly.

[Dolos]

Yea you kinda ****ed up not taking her up the first time. Why wait for her to give you another opportunity? Make a move on your own. If i were her i would be assuming you were interested in the past but not anymore considering as far as shes concerned you turned her down recently. Stop remaining distant, the balls in your court now, if you want something to happen you're going to need to make something happen.

[WTRanger]

It sounds as if you are perfect for her as her main backup guy. She likes you enough to let you kiss her. She likes you enough to continue to hang out with you. Yet, something is missing to push her over the top. It is almost as if you balance her scales, but something is missing to push her to truly go after you.

 

So you are always the Mr. In-Case to her. Say Valentines day comes around and she doesn't want to be alone, and doesn't want to be with anyone new. Guess who she will call? Sometimes it is not a bad spot as one day soon she may decide to choose you. However, the more likely outcome, is that she'll string you along until Mr. Right-Now comes along. That is what all of that "unsure" BS is all about. She kinda would date you, but she hasn't met enough guys yet to know if she'd settle.

 

Ask yourself the Brad Pitt rule. If Brad Pitt asked her the same thing, would she still be unsure? Would she still need to get her head together? Me thinks not.

 

So what do you want from this situation? Do you want to hang around and see what happens and most likely live the next few months in confusion land?

[WTRanger]

I'm not sure he totally blew any chances either. I mean, what girl who is interested in you MAKES your bed? They usually take the covers off as a sign. That is like girl putting on clothes as a sign she is ready for sex. Shouldn't she take them off? I think the bed situation is the same thing.

 

She off the bat blocks you when you first kissed her. She plainly told you that you'd better not expect any more. Usually when she tells you that, any further perusing done by you will result in either a face full of mace or rape charges.

 

You kiss again, she freaks out. Again, not a good sign. Though I would have crawled into bed with her instead of going back with your friends.

[Bollocks]

How often does she contact you nowadays?

- she never uses her phone and uses the internet sparingly, so without in person interaction, not much.

 

Any chance to see her over the holiday?

-Nope

 

Are you keeping the lines of communication open when you are not paying attention to her or are you literally ignoring her?

- Hmmm. If made obvious attempts to initiate a conversation I would reciporicate, but I don't make it easy for her. A couple of times I have definitely continued a conversation I was having with another friend when she was trying to get my attention.

 

Did she start flirting with other guys after the above incidents or was she doing that before?

- Doing that a little before, but she definitely stepped it up after the "above incidents"

 

What is the time span this all occurred in?

June 2009 - now

 

Given that she almost never uses her phone and we've never really interacted with it, I'm not sure texting would be the best. She did however, give me her address when I asked, so I could send her a hand-written note (I am english major after all, not too out of the ordinary), but they doesn't really leave her a chance to respond till she gets back to where I am anyway.

 

As far as the freakout - it wasn't over the kiss per se, she just started bawling about all the **** that was going in her life right now, needed a shoulder I suppose.

[Bollocks]

 

So what do you want from this situation? Do you want to hang around and see what happens and most likely live the next few months in confusion land?

 

I'm definitely more interested in upsetting the apple cart and seeing what happens...

 

Not really down for confusion land. Plenty of other gals to be going after that would probably be healthier mentally for me to do so in that period of time I'd be moping.

[Bollocks]

I dunno man, usually whenever a girl messes with your bed she has your bed in mind for some reason, its not like she tidied up the rest of the room...

 

Though I would have crawled into bed with her instead of going back with your friends.

 

Thought about it, but is was an animal house moment. She was WAY drunker than I was. Not about to pull that ****. Plus she had been crying for a solid half an hour, not the biggest turn on.

[Bollocks]

It sounds as if you are perfect for her as her main backup guy. She likes you enough to let you kiss her. She likes you enough to continue to hang out with you. Yet, something is missing to push her over the top. It is almost as if you balance her scales, but something is missing to push her to truly go after you.

 

So you are always the Mr. In-Case to her. Say Valentines day comes around and she doesn't want to be alone, and doesn't want to be with anyone new. Guess who she will call? Sometimes it is not a bad spot as one day soon she may decide to choose you. However, the more likely outcome, is that she'll string you along until Mr. Right-Now comes along. That is what all of that "unsure" BS is all about. She kinda would date you, but she hasn't met enough guys yet to know if she'd settle.

 

Ask yourself the Brad Pitt rule. If Brad Pitt asked her the same thing, would she still be unsure? Would she still need to get her head together? Me thinks not.

 

So what do you want from this situation? Do you want to hang around and see what happens and most likely live the next few months in confusion land?

 

This sounds reasonable. So, given my answer to your question above, what do you suggest from here to transition from Mr. In-Case to Mr. Right now?

[WTRanger]

I don't know man. The bed thing just seemed weird. Why make it? But that might be nothing worth looking into either. Just some random motherly trait of hers came out.

 

Understandable about not getting into bed with her. But at the same time, that was an opportunity. Not even to kiss, but just pass out next to her. See how she reacts.

 

To move to the next step is tough, because she seems to cut you off at every pass. This girl knows exactly what is going on and how to counter you. Your best bet is to avoid her as much as you can when she is away at break. Don't respond quickly to her texts, but do respond if they warrant a response. But as someone else said, keep it light and to the point.

 

I'd like to stay optimistic, but I think she'll end up crushing you. I really see this lasting until some guy that just gets her 100% interested and pushed her past the 95% she's at with you. How fast she splits from you into his arms will leave you absolutely astounded.

[Yukikazi]

The holiday is a chance for a reset.

 

W/o phone options.. you are pretty much stuck waiting to see what happens when she comes back.

When she does.. meet up with her.. catch up, escalate and try to kiss her.

Make it a fun date where you are laughing.. try something where you can compete against each other.. a video arcade or bowling or pool.

 

If you don't try anything the next time you see her.. consider it done.

You may already be in the friend zone but it may be possible to turn it around if you don't **** up another chance.. 3rd strike...

[Bollocks]

The holiday is a chance for a reset.

.

Make it a fun date where you are laughing.. try something where you can compete against each other.. a video arcade or bowling or pool.

 

Bowling? Pool? Videoarcade? Lulz. I might as well just invite her to meet up at the soda fountain...

 

We'll see who is the better criminal.

 

Thanks to all the people who responded. Honestly, the comments y'all posted make me realize two things in perspective:

 

1) She's crazy and is ****ing with me because I am letting her

2) I'm crazy and the reason I've kept up until this point in wooing this chick probably has more to do with me being pissed that this girl is "winning" the power dynamic.

 

Since I know the people here love a good story (I know I do), my plan is:

 

escalate when she gets back and see what happens.

 

If that fails, I'll move on. Maybe one day she'll wake the **** up and be able to handle someone actually liking her. Meanwhile, I hear her sister is the cuter one...

[boogieboy]

She sounds like a girl who will make the moves with someone she REALLY likes. And that aint you. DOnt waste anymore time with her, she isnt attracted to you enough. AND shes emotionally unstable.

 

Ill throw this in there:

 

I wouldnt be surprised if she was crying for a half an hour over a guy she was after and he played her out. She lied and said she has problems at home.

 

Her push pull shyt with you kinda reeks of a girl who isnt over her crush yet. She wants to fill the void, but you arent making her forget about the last guy.

 

And whoever that guy is that she isnt over yet...I bet he gets plenty of phone communication from her.

[WTRanger]

One word of advice. Next time a girl comes back to your place, pay more attention to her than you do your bong. You don't want to be Seth Rogan's character in Knocked Up who saves his bong instead of his pregnant girlfriend when there is an earthquake.

 

She may have picked up on that. But you didn't mention if both of you got high or was it just you?

 

 

boogieboy:Her push pull shyt with you kinda reeks of a girl who isnt over her crush yet. She wants to fill the void, but you arent making her forget about the last guy.

 

Just so you read this again as it is the brutal truth. Making her forget about that last guy could push you into the Mr. Right-Now stage, but you have to go all out. If you fail, then at least fail in a spectacular crash that you and your buddies can laugh about for the rest of your life. Don't ever fail with just a fizzle that you can regret the rest of your life with your buddies. Make it epic.

[Bollocks]

One word of advice. Next time a girl comes back to your place, pay more attention to her than you do your bong. You don't want to be Seth Rogan's character in Knocked Up who saves his bong instead of his pregnant girlfriend when there is an earthquake.

 

She may have picked up on that. But you didn't mention if both of you got high or was it just you?

 

 

 

 

Just so you read this again as it is the brutal truth. Making her forget about that last guy could push you into the Mr. Right-Now stage, but you have to go all out. If you fail, then at least fail in a spectacular crash that you and your buddies can laugh about for the rest of your life. Don't ever fail with just a fizzle that you can regret the rest of your life with your buddies. Make it epic.

 

Lolz. We both like to get down with some dope.

 

As far as making it epic, couldn't agree with you more. It is honestly the type of encouragement I would like to see more of on this site.

 

Better to burn out than to fade away.

[WTRanger]

Lolz. We both like to get down with some dope.

 

As far as making it epic, couldn't agree with you more. It is honestly the type of encouragement I would like to see more of on this site.

 

Better to burn out than to fade away.

 

Exactly. But I don't want to give you false hope. There is a better chance of this going exactly the opposite way you want it do go. She has shown too many signs that she'll drop out here soon. But you will never know until you just do it.

 

They say shoot for the moon and if you miss, at least you will be among the stars. Or blow up on the launch pad which still provides an awesome way to go.