So her is the situation

[LonelyGuy85]

I have talked a lot of a girl in work who i have become attracted to. Whilst re-reading some of my posts i realised that i wasn't being forthright with all my details, and i also realised that i was posting the issue in the wrong area. So here i am again.

 

Around July i started a new job. I knew within the first week that i hated the job and that i would be surprised if i was still working there 3 months later. Long story short, i am. It was during my second week there that i started talking to this girl who started the same time as me. At first i just enjoyed talking to her, about her life, travelling and a whole heap of topics. When we finally came to start our jobs after training i sat next to her. This was great as we were able to talk when we could get opportunities to do so. Eventually we started talking about doing things outside of work, this led to us going to see a sports game, her idea, which i loved. However, we also went with one other guy from work and his wife, plus this girl brought a friend along. Afterwards me, her and her friend went and got some food. It was a great night. A few weeks later she invited me out with her friends for drinks, which i did, but because i am extremely unexperienced when it comes to hitting on someone, i didn't try anything. I felt like a fool, we did end up going back to her place though, and i slept on the couch.

 

A few weeks after that she invited me out again with her friends. Same situation, same scenario, same outcome. Once again, fool. We also went to a few bars during that time and watch some sports events. Still can't believe this girl likes the same sports as me. However, despite going out with her a few times nothing ever transpired between us. My honest opinion is that i can't tell the difference between someone making a friendly gesture to me or signals. It's all about the signals.

 

Then about 6 weeks ago we were put on seperate teams in our jobs. We still kept in contact via email during work, but because we were on completely different shifts we hardly saw each other face to face. We never even met outside of work during that time. It's only been the last few days that we have been on the same shift times and so have had lunch together, and it's been during these last few days that i have noticed how much i really miss not hanging around with her. However, her attitude towards me seems to have changed. When we working side by side we had a lot of moments to discuss things which then naturally led onto meeting outside of work, but as we no longer work so closely nothing has arisen.

 

I have tested the grounds with her. When we first met she was going out with this guy who she clearly didn't like that much but she was comfortable with him. After knowing her a few weeks she would sometimes talk about this guy, eventually they broke up though, but she would still talk about him. She also mentioned that she wouldn't go with a guy younger than her, and that she would only go out with a guy older. I should mention she is two years older than me. However, the last time i have heard her mention either or these topics was months and months ago before i situations changed slightly. So i am unsure whether or not her perspective might have changed in that time. I assume that a girl talking about another guy in front of me isn't a good sign, at all.

 

To make matters worse i went through a friend detox about a year ago, which was not easy. You see my 'friends' made me feel like crap all the time, so much so that i basically became a hermit as i just didn't want to see them, so i cut them out of life completely, and havent' seen them for nearly a year. The biggest problem with this is that i don't have that friend comfort in my life at the moment, so if i wanted to ask this girl out on a casual friend/possibly-more-than date, then i lack that 'Hey, me and my friends are doing x. Would you like to....'

 

This situation has been getting me down a lot. Especially since i had a panic attack a few months ago and vowed to change my life, which i have been managing to do, except for this last hurdle.

 

I am not sure what to do. I really like this girl, so much so that she literally creeps into my dreams. I am constantly thinking about her, but at the same time i really like this girl, even as a friend. I would be over the moon if i managed to get her to go with me, but at the same time i am unsure of whether any advances by me would destroy any chance of a potential friendship. As corny as it sounds, i would rather have her as a friend than not at all. At the same time i need to get over my social anxiety disorder and do this, but that last part is something i have spent the last twenty odd years trying to overcome without success.

[boogieboy]

After knowing her a few weeks she would sometimes talk about this guy, eventually they broke up though, but she would still talk about him. She also mentioned that she wouldn't go with a guy younger than her, and that she would only go out with a guy older.

Just by this I know that she was giving you a clue that she was permanently turning you down without directly saying it.

 

SHe talks about her ex to you, means youre already an emotional tampon.

SHe doesnt date younger guys, means youre out.

Friendship is all youre getting with this girl, because you never made a move on her . If she let you stay at her house, I suspect she friendzoned you when she first talked to you. So give up on thinking you have a chance with her.

 

You can stay friends with her if you want, if you need a new circle of friends. Let her hook you up with her girlfriends. Use her the way she is using you. Thats the best youre going to get from her.

[LonelyGuy85]

Although you have some good points, i don't know if i entirely agree with you. I mean as soon as she split with her bf she stopped talking about him, and after a talk with a friend who knows us both she thinks that the girls attitude has changed; she hasn't talked about this guy in months but she also seems more friendly towards me when i have seen her recently, as per the words of my friend.

[WTRanger]

Your friend is telling you what you want to hear.

 

Boogieboy is telling you what you need to hear.

[LonelyGuy85]

You know what, you're probably right. I want this to happen, so maybe i am looking for signs that aren't there. At the same time i still think i need to give it a shot even if it's seemingly without merit. I need to do this even if it am not sure there is hope, but i have to believe that there might be something there. If all i get out of this is a genuine friendship then it's more than i have at the moment, and if i get nothing then i am in exactly the same situation i am in now.

Edited December 25, 2009 by LonelyGuy85

[WTRanger]

By all means go for it. But drop any and all expectations that you may have. I can assure you that your expectations will not line up with reality. Not hitting these wild expectations is what makes getting shot down feel 1,000 times worse.

 

Don't ever settle for a "genuine" friendship because you and I both know that you'd always want more. So it is clearly not genuine.

[carhill]

Too invested. Pedestal already built.

 

Unless you can resolve your attraction and build a healthy friendship out of common interests, you're going to invest too much of yourself into this and the right woman for you will pass right on by.

 

IMO, what is happening is she's enjoying the attention of a guy who she knows likes her while she's in between relationships. Once she's banging someone new or goes back to her ex (yeah, that happens), you'll disappear like you don't exist. You were, and are, convenient.

 

Here's the key. You need to squelch these little experiences while you're young, lest they pile up over time and you become an embittered old fart like me

 

Here's what I'd do. Resolve in my mind that it's either building intimacy and romance or I'm gone. Then, ask her out on a real date. If she says no, smile, thank her for the fun times you've had, and bid her goodbye. TBH, I think dating a co-worker is potentially unhealthy for one's career, especially if there's any power imbalance in that work relationship, if that matters to you.

 

Plenty of fun activities for NYE coming up. Ask her out on a date

[LonelyGuy85]

Genuine isn't the right word because as you have said, the reality is that it will never be as simple as just a friendship from my part. I will allows hope there is more to it than that. However, saying that, i really like this girl. In fact one of the reasons that i have developed strong feelings for her is because of how great we get along together, so the idea of there at least being a friendship in there isn't unrealistic. I suppose my idea of me thinking that all i would want is just a friendship would be naive, but i have done it before in the past and found that my feelings have taken a backseat to me trying to become a friend. Even if this girl is probably the girl have had the strongest feelings for, it might be possible.

 

It's funny that you say that the pedestal is already built. To be completely honest, when it comes to the opposite sex the pedestal has already been established well before i even meet them for the first time I am not sure about the between relationships comment though. I honestly don't know if she knows i like her. If she does then she is hiding the fact well, but doesn't play up to that fact.

Edited December 25, 2009 by LonelyGuy85

[carhill]

I honestly don't know if she knows i like her.

 

She knows, trust me. Women are telepathic about this stuff. Never met a surprised one in my life.

 

To be completely honest, when it comes to the opposite sex the pedestal has already been established well before i even meet them for the first time

 

By pedestal-building, I'm specifically talking about investing emotions in a particular person before they've earned the privilege of your care and concern. You don't invest your emotions in the entire female gender, do you? Death wish?

 

So, back to the lady....if you want to break this cycle you seem to be in, you have to ask her out on a real date. Just you and her; you pay and she is the focus of your romantic intentions. If she waffles, she's not interested. Experienced posters have suggested she is not interested. I tend to agree, but, to achieve success, you must determine this for yourself and in the real world. No true success in life comes without a few failures. Maybe you'll prove us wrong

[LonelyGuy85]

Wow, carhill, that's some amazing advice right there.

 

I have a kind of Social Anxiety Disorder, it's because of this that i deem relationships as being unobtainable, simply because i need to get to know someone first before i actually come out of my shell. It's great for friendships in a way, as soon as someone earns my trust then i can come out of my shell and they can see me for me, which is the best point any relationship for me, whether it's plutonic or romantic.

 

Well, by the time i feel comfortable enough to ask someone out i always run the risk of falling into the friendzone. I have a hard enough time just trying to make friends without thinking of them as anything more than that. I suppose it's my general lack of experience that leads me down the friendzone as i have no frame of reference to take me elsewhere, beyond blind luck.

 

I completely agree about being forward and abrupt with her. I need to try and ask her out on a date. Yes or no, i need some closure about whether this is something that could happen.

 

My biggest concern is that because it takes me so long to develop friendships or just be generally comfortable enough around someone to ask them out, i dread when i reach that point because for me it isn't a case of 'Well, she said no, onto the next girl' it's back to square one, do not pass go, do not collect £200. It's also an issue that by this point i am generally emotionally invested in the person, and so a rejection feels far more personal than someone getting rejected in a bar.

[WTRanger]

Just remember that your feelings are not her feelings. Just because you feel a certain way about her does not automatically mean she must reciprocate. Part of this game that is finding someone, is knowing that you've just got to put yourself out there and hope they feel the same way. That's all you can do. You can't make them feel any sort of way.

 

Understanding if she doesn't feel the same way, then don't settle for friends. As carhill says, blow up that pedestal before it even gets built. No pedestal means no crazy out of reality expectations. Which in turns means that, yes it will sting to get rejected, but a few moments later you are ready to go find someone new. You won't spend weeks and months wallowing around wondering why she can't feel the way about you as you do her. I've done that. It sucked. I look back and realize what I was doing and I'm learning from it.

[carhill]

My biggest concern is that because it takes me so long to develop friendships or just be generally comfortable enough around someone to ask them out, i dread when i reach that point because for me it isn't a case of 'Well, she said no, onto the next girl' it's back to square one, do not pass go, do not collect £200. It's also an issue that by this point i am generally emotionally invested in the person, and so a rejection feels far more personal than someone getting rejected in a bar.

 

I empathize and felt the same way for many years. You know what cured me? Getting married. All my prior delusions/expectations/fantasies/insanity about women evaporated as a result of that one act. Once you've seen the light, you'll wonder what all that flailing around in the darkness was about.

[LonelyGuy85]

WtRanger, I really do understand that she might not reciprocate the same feelings that i have for her. If i didn't consider that then i would have asked her out a long time ago, but it's these unsure insecurities that are holding me back. I don't agree that i shouldn't settle for friendship. Is it ideal for me? No, but at the same time i still like this girl, so if friendship is all i can get then i will take that, as i have grown to like her because i get on so well with her. I don't see the sense in throwing away what could be a potentially good friendship because she doesn't feel the same way. I understand your perspective, but i can look past that if i need to.

 

Carhill, I had to laugh, I am about a dozen steps behind that cure Fingers crossed, i will get there one day though.