SO's ex dropping the ball as a parent - what can I do?

[KikiW]

Going to try and make this as short as possible while explaining the situation as well as I can. Sorry for any excessive length. Also, I put this in family because we're ALL dealing with it, although it most directly is about a child.

 

Ok, SO is living with me after a long LDR (1200 miles). He has an ex-wife, and a 12 yr old daughter from that relationship. I have a soon-to-be ex (we are still married so I can get benefits for now, but paperwork is ready to go - we are on EXCELLENT terms, and in fact we are all spending some of the holidays together), and he and I have a 9 yr old daughter. Our daughter splits time between our two households, my SO's daughter is with her mother. My SO's daughter adores me, gets along great with my daughter, and we all have a great time together.

 

SO's ex is completely neglectful of their daughter, to the point where I would consider it abusive. The ex badmouths her dad to her, and I suspect makes derogatory remarks in reference to me. The ex pawns her off on other people to take care of whenever she can (two weekends in a row my SO's MOTHER was the babysitter for the entire weekend, ex having once actually tracked her down at Target and leaving the daughter with her right there). The ex and the daughter get in terrible screaming matches. The daughter is fed atrocious food (I know kids in general do not eat well, but she is never fed a square meal, it's always Burger King or the equivalent and the poor girl is far overweight now). She has no stability in her life and it's breaking our hearts.

 

The daughter is legally allowed to choose where she lives, but "doesn't want to make Mom mad" (and I believe her, I could easily see her mother playing horrible mind games with her to make her stay). My SO cannot afford to fight for custody through the courts, we just don't have the funds. My SO has tried to offer to take custody, but ex starts in on how rotten he is for trying to take her baby away from her (!?!). For some reason she thinks she is a great mother. Personally, I think she prefers getting the child support check (which she then squanders at the bar she goes to all weekend!) and having a thread to keep in contact with my SO.

 

The daughter and SO's mother are both flying up to stay with us from the 26th through the 31st. My SO is hoping that she will see what a happy home can look like and will choose to come here. I am uneasy about that, simply because it's easy to think something is awesome when you are only there for a few days celebrating the holidays - I don't want her coming, realizing there are rules she needs to live by and food she won't be allowed to eat anymore and get angry and want to go back. I want her here, but I've already made my views clear that if she comes, she has to commit to a full school year - if I am going to disrupt MY child's world, I don't want to be willy-nilly about it (my views were expressed to my SO, not to her, this has not been on the table with the daughter yet).

 

I have suggested that my SO have a very hard discussion with the ex - tell her what he knows about her dropping their daughter off with anyone who will take her, call her out for being neglectful, threaten to seek custody and explain the ramifications (i.e. not only loss of her child full-time, but also loss of child support check and likely would have to pay HIM something for support). He says she will simply start screaming at him about how horrible he is, what sorry human being he is, how great of a mom she is, etc and it won't do any good. I've also suggested he try and contact a relative of HERS to talk about how concerned he is about their daughter, but I am not sure how well that would be received.

 

Honestly, I think this girl would get a lot more stability and support with us here, but I honestly and truly wish her mother would pick up the ball and start acting like a responsible parent. I know people can't be perfect, but this girl desperately needs her mother to start BEING there for her.

 

Do I just sit back and watch the destruction? Or is there something else I could be doing or saying here?

[quankanne]

i've got to commend you for taking this child's best interest to heart – I cannot imagine trying to blend two families, but it looks to me that you care a great deal about this girl to come up with solutions.

 

a few points:

 

"I don't want her coming, realizing there are rules she needs to live by and food she won't be allowed to eat anymore and get angry and want to go back. I want her here, but I've already made my views clear that if she comes, she has to commit to a full school year" on the outset, it may sound mean, but as an aunt who is close to the kids in the family, I've seen that as hard as a child might fight it, he/she wants rules and structure because it means that parent loves them. That while having free reign might *sound* like it's fun, a kid who has too much freedom realizes that the flip side of the coin is that their parent doesn't "care enough" to discipline them. This is what one niece told me when she was going through a pretty rough patch as a teen and was acting out. It was because she wanted my sister to show her she loved her. I know, crazy, huh?!! But the girl had a point: Discipline and structure = love. No matter how much a kid grouses, it makes them feel secure, you know?

 

as for the one-year commitment ... sometimes knowing that someone else is responsible for the decision makes it easier for them to go along with it. As in, if Dad tells Mom, "she's coming with me, there's no two ways about it," this child will have the burden of making that choice removed from her shoulders. The guilt thing is a hard one, but she may be well grounded to a point where she will see that in some cases, it's okay to make those kinds of "selfish" decisions if it means being in a secure environment where she just gets to be the kid who is loved the "right way" ...

 

He says she will simply start screaming at him about how horrible he is, what sorry human being he is, how great of a mom she is, etc and it won't do any good. My thought is that he needs to force himself out of his comfort zone and stand up to this woman, especially if he's able to provide a secure, loving environment for his own child. Yeah, I imagine his ex is going to raise hell because she'll be forced out of HER comfort zone, but it's not about her anymore, it's about that little girl.

 

kiki, if you're truly open to raising this child, and your heart is in this decision, keep encouraging your husband to at least give his daughter the opportunity to choose. And let her know that guilt has no part in making a decision like this, that she deserves to be someplace where she feels secure.

 

again, I've got to hand it to you for even mulling over the idea of wanting to do right by this child, and I wish you the best in figuring things out.

 

hugs,

q

[2sure]

I have never heard of a 12 yo child being legally allowed to decide where she wants to live. If that were the case, it would change things drastically on a month to month basis for every divorced couple with kids that age! Plus, what court would put a minor (at least under 16) in charge of themselves??

 

My daughter lives with me but spends time with my ex who has no parenting skills whatsoever. None. Thankfully this doesnt make me as anxious/angry/worried as it used to because now that my daughter is 13 ...she is able to cope with him better, not believe the things he says, decide she doesnt want to spend all weekend there...stuff like that.

 

The best thing you can do for this girl, barring trying for custody which you will never get unless the mother is institutionalized or convicted of child abuse...is continue to offer the girl support in the way of taking the high road when her mom talks bad, modeling good parental behavior in the way of life style, conversation, and affection and expectations. This will give the girl coping skills for her home situation, hope for the future, self esteem and possibly also eventually relieve her of the guilt of wanting perhaps to spend more time with you instead of her mom.

[quankanne]

I have never heard of a 12 yo child being legally allowed to decide where she wants to live. from what I remember when my sister was going through something similar, at age 13 her boys could let the court know who they wanted to stay with. Ended up that the bigger boy stayed in S. Texas with his dad, while the little one went to Fla. with my sister. So yeah, they have input.

 

barring trying for custody which you will never get unless the mother is institutionalized or convicted of child abuse Kiki, do you have enough cause to make a case of child neglect or endangerment? Or is the mom just dumping this girl off with anyone and everyone to be able to pursue her pleasures?

[KikiW]

Thanks for the answers so far everyone, I have just a minute before I go pick up my girl from school but wanted to respond...

 

My SO was told, and his ex and daughter both know it is up to the daughter where she wants to live... in fact, she made a crack about wanting to live with SO's mother, so she could stay close to what she knows but away from her mom. Might not be a horrible idea except I'm not sure how his mother really feels about it. She's a wonderful lady, but she's raised her kids, you know? I would feel bad if I were him, so i haven't brought it up again.

 

And I'm not sure if her behavior is legally abusive or she's just not a great parent. She leaves her alone until she gets home from work (not awful, lots of kids are latchkey kids at 12), but constantly dumping her at a friend or relative's place so she can go to the bars or out with her boyfriends seems horribly irresponsible, especially when her daughter is obviously starving for attention.

[delnoire]

Thanks for the answers so far everyone, I have just a minute before I go pick up my girl from school but wanted to respond...

 

My SO was told, and his ex and daughter both know it is up to the daughter where she wants to live... in fact, she made a crack about wanting to live with SO's mother, so she could stay close to what she knows but away from her mom. Might not be a horrible idea except I'm not sure how his mother really feels about it. She's a wonderful lady, but she's raised her kids, you know? I would feel bad if I were him, so i haven't brought it up again.

 

And I'm not sure if her behavior is legally abusive or she's just not a great parent. She leaves her alone until she gets home from work (not awful, lots of kids are latchkey kids at 12), but constantly dumping her at a friend or relative's place so she can go to the bars or out with her boyfriends seems horribly irresponsible, especially when her daughter is obviously starving for attention.

 

I'm a dad who spent almost two harrowing years in the custody courts, so the only advice I can give your SO is to docuement every single thing his ex does that is irresponsible or questionable as a parent. Trust me, he will need it if he ever does file for full custody, because it doesn't really matter what state you're in, full custody rarely if ever is given to the father unless the mother is seriously out of it.

Unless you start carefully documenting when and to who his ex pawns her daughter off too etc.....your SO's threats to take full custody will never be anything more than that, just empty threats.

 

And I think its wonderful that you and your own ex get along so well. Thats not something you hear about very often.

[Angel1111]

I think it really comes down to both of you talking to the daughter together and letting her know that if she doesn't make this decision for herself, then the two of you can't help her. Let her know the full implication of a custody battle which could easily cost somewhere around $30,000. She needs to understand that while she loves her mom, her mom is responsible for her own choices and that the daughter isn't resonsible for that. But that's a tough sale to make because it requires that a child reject a parent, and that's always hard for them to do.

 

The other thing to do is to let the daughter know that the two of you are not happy with the way she's being treated and make sure she knows that she always has a home with the two of you. Then let her decide on her own, and hope that eventually she'll make the right decision to get away from her mother. The older she gets, the harder it will be for her to be around her mother. Also let her know that if she does decide to come live with the two of you, that the rules will be much different in your house. Explain briefly what the rules would be and, that way, she can't say she wasn't warned.

 

There is nothing you can to about the girl's mother because she's never going to be reasonable on this issue. The only thing she might agree to is letting you take the daughter but still pay child support to her. Of course, that's ridiculous but it might be worth doing for a few months until the daughter gets used to being in your home and then she's not likely to reverse that decision. A person probably can't stop paying child support anyway unless it's agreed to by both parents, or if it's court ordered.

[KikiW]

Well the holidays have been and gone - the daughter came for a visit and my SO was depressed for 3 days after she left. She's gained even more weight since he's left (I suspect she is starving for mom's attention and is eating it at this point), the manners he raised her with have fallen by the wayside, and he's at a loss as to what to do.

 

She didn't seem comfortable here, and I understand that. She's never been to this area, was totally out of her comfort zone, etc. It is highly unlikely that she would move here. I just see what's coming down the pike and it looks rather ugly. It's like having a flash of the car crash right before it happens and being unable to do anything about it.

 

Wish this stuff was easier.

[Lucky_One]

I might give the XW a bit more time to come to grips with the tremendous changes that have taken place in her life. Having a D-Day and finding that your spouse is having an affair, and then having the spouse away from your child to move in with his OW instead just compounds the depression and misery of an unwanted divorce where there is no EMA.

 

When my XH left me, childcare was sometimes more than I could emotionally handle. Things like cooking dinner became a chore, housecleaning was drudgery. The XW in your case may be looking for things to take away the pain of her reality, as well as looking to affirm that she is still desirable.

 

This is all still pretty recent - not a year old. I would keep a watchful eye, but not take any action and let time help heal all parties involved.

 

Good luck.

[KikiW]

Lucky_One - I'm a little confused... my SO left his wife about a year and a half ago (moved out), divorce was final last fall. There was no D-day, he had been long moved out before she found out he was seeing someone new (unless the day you find out your STBex is seeing someone new is considered a D-day). Yes, she was resistant to the divorce, and I'm sure she wants to make herself feel desirable, but how long do you punish your child for that? How long do you wallow in your own self-pity while your child is obviously suffering?

 

I get that she is going through stuff here and it's hard to deal with, but it's hard for me to excuse her behavior when her kid is going down the drain.

[Amarfa]

Please be very very careful when blending a family! Even if you both decide that going to the courts would be worth the funds, this new daughter may have leftover behaviors from the crappy mom, and bring that to your home. This happened in our home.

 

My father was ready to marry my mother, and his ex girlfriend moved back near them and presented my father with his son. My father sued for visitation because the ex threatened to move away with the child. He was awarded with full custody. This court battle occurred during the first six years of my life, and I didn't know about it until he came to live with us. When my stepbrother came to live with us, he stuck my little brother with pins hidden in pencil erasers, and lassoed us with ropes in the backyard like cattle and took pictures of me taking off my clothes. He was six years older than I.

 

Please be careful. This little girl will probably have taken on many unpleasant behaviors from her mother, and it may not be worth sacrificing your current children in order to rescue this one. Please, please be careful.