What about the other man?

[dprtman09]

the hard part about helping in this thread is that we all still feel as though the OP never has had the full truth. if and when the effort is made to know the truth - we may be able to help further.

 

his W is unwilling to help the M along by proving her position.

 

Deductive logic: One CANNOT prove a negative. She can only say what happened. She stopped telling me what didn't happen a long time ago when she decided to work to save the marriage. There is no reason that has come forth to say that anything other than what she has revealed did happen.

[dprtman09]

then why do you want to contact him?

 

 

 

 

you really think so? I think he was actually spared. Thats like running in a race and the prize is a good punch in the nose. Losing only makes sense unless one is a masochist.

 

 

 

 

dunno...again, you are the one wanting to contact him. if the horse is dead, then let it be.

 

The whole reason I started this thread was to get some insight from posters about the OM that I knew I could never get from him. I haven't tried to contact him for a long time, nor do I wish to. Read your last post and my last reply to you. Why do you contradict yourself? Got nothing better to do?

[dprtman09]

then why do you want to contact him?

 

 

 

 

you really think so? I think he was actually spared. Thats like running in a race and the prize is a good punch in the nose. Losing only makes sense unless one is a masochist.

 

 

 

 

dunno...again, you are the one wanting to contact him. if the horse is dead, then let it be.

 

One more hint: Read my reply to spark1111. There yet?

[Chingaling]

Silverplanets... I admire your honesty, your maturity and your wisdom. I admire that despite the bad experiences you had, you have learned from them, grown as a person and found understanding and peace. I admire you.

 

departman - I feel that you are full of rage. Even your posts to other members is harsh and caustic. I can only imagine that living with you right about now must be a freaking nightmare. I feel badly for your pretty little wife - I hope she realizes what type of man she is married to and hauls her butt right out of there because you definately have issues. And don't give me that crap that she started the issues - you are not perfect either and maybe she was just flattered by someone who spoke nicely to her and valued her as an equal.

 

If she is giving you the time of day I would count my lucky stars if I was you - in my opinion you are not ready to forgive, forget or heal this marriage. You just want to win. You are egotistical and offended that you wife dared to look at someone else twice.

 

Really, if you are having such a difficult time controlling your anger and your quest for what I feel is vengence, perhaps you should consider separating for a while until you have worked things out in your head.

 

My apolgies, truly, if I am out of line, but if you lash out at those who attempt to help you by responding to your posts, then perhaps it is time for a 180 on you.

 

Why can't you just let this go and take positive steps to restore your relationship????

[Chrome Barracuda]

Silverplanets... I admire your honesty, your maturity and your wisdom. I admire that despite the bad experiences you had, you have learned from them, grown as a person and found understanding and peace. I admire you.

 

departman - I feel that you are full of rage. Even your posts to other members is harsh and caustic. I can only imagine that living with you right about now must be a freaking nightmare. I feel badly for your pretty little wife - I hope she realizes what type of man she is married to and hauls her butt right out of there because you definately have issues. And don't give me that crap that she started the issues - you are not perfect either and maybe she was just flattered by someone who spoke nicely to her and valued her as an equal.

 

If she is giving you the time of day I would count my lucky stars if I was you - in my opinion you are not ready to forgive, forget or heal this marriage. You just want to win. You are egotistical and offended that you wife dared to look at someone else twice.

 

Really, if you are having such a difficult time controlling your anger and your quest for what I feel is vengence, perhaps you should consider separating for a while until you have worked things out in your head.

 

My apolgies, truly, if I am out of line, but if you lash out at those who attempt to help you by responding to your posts, then perhaps it is time for a 180 on you.

 

Why can't you just let this go and take positive steps to restore your relationship????

 

ARE YOU F-ING KIDDING ME HE HAS EVERY RIGHT TO BE F-ING ANGRY HE FOUND OUT HIS WIFE HAD ANOTHER MAN'S **** IN HER MOUTH!

 

are you really serious! he's mad he has every right to be, how dare you defend her actions, they are harmful to the marriage and her actions alone have done it. One does not have a affair and just forgives and forget about it. IT is a PROCESS!!!

 

You work through it, not sweep it under the rug like it never happened, how damn insensitive are you to his feelings and his emotions but let me guess, men in general dont have feelings???

 

He said he is working on the marriage, Given the state his mind is in he has every right to be angry. Good lord.

[Chingaling]

ARE YOU F-ING KIDDING ME HE HAS EVERY RIGHT TO BE F-ING ANGRY HE FOUND OUT HIS WIFE HAD ANOTHER MAN'S **** IN HER MOUTH!

 

are you really serious! he's mad he has every right to be, how dare you defend her actions, they are harmful to the marriage and her actions alone have done it. One does not have a affair and just forgives and forget about it. IT is a PROCESS!!!

 

You work through it, not sweep it under the rug like it never happened, how damn insensitive are you to his feelings and his emotions but let me guess, men in general dont have feelings???

 

He said he is working on the marriage, Given the state his mind is in he has every right to be angry. Good lord.

 

I stand by my post. He says many times that he does not believe that there was intercourse or some form of sex involved. The EA has been over for several months - yet he is still (in my mind anyways) punishing his wife... I have been on the other side of a PA several times, and yes, it hurts like H*ll - I get that. Perhaps women have different expectations of what is going to happen when a couple "reconciles", and I don't think it includes beating a dead horse for months afterwards or supervising their spouse... Perhaps a woman's primary reaction to a spouse's EA would be more hurt than anger. In any case, my thoughts are that women who reconcile with a WS try to build the relationship again, and not dwell on the affair.

 

The OP indicates in his very first post that he has an ego. I do not think that his reaction to the EA is so much about hurt as it is about a blow to his ego. Just my opinion from the gal side of the fence

[LifesontheUp]

ARE YOU F-ING KIDDING ME HE HAS EVERY RIGHT TO BE F-ING ANGRY HE FOUND OUT HIS WIFE HAD ANOTHER MAN'S **** IN HER MOUTH!

 

are you really serious! he's mad he has every right to be, how dare you defend her actions, they are harmful to the marriage and her actions alone have done it. One does not have a affair and just forgives and forget about it. IT is a PROCESS!!!

 

You work through it, not sweep it under the rug like it never happened, how damn insensitive are you to his feelings and his emotions but let me guess, men in general dont have feelings???

 

He said he is working on the marriage, Given the state his mind is in he has every right to be angry. Good lord.

 

Chrome I think both you and Chingaling have points.

 

Yes I know BS experience anger phases and dprtman09 is likely experiencing this. However I also noticed what Chingaling did in particular the bit where he wrote that the OM lost. This sounds like an ego trip to me too, like he had to win and keep his wife over the OM.

 

dprtman09, I don't know if you are in counselling or not. I would recommend it though in order to be sure you are trying to save your marriage for the right reasons.

[dprtman09]

ARE YOU F-ING KIDDING ME HE HAS EVERY RIGHT TO BE F-ING ANGRY HE FOUND OUT HIS WIFE HAD ANOTHER MAN'S **** IN HER MOUTH!

 

are you really serious! he's mad he has every right to be, how dare you defend her actions, they are harmful to the marriage and her actions alone have done it. One does not have a affair and just forgives and forget about it. IT is a PROCESS!!!

 

You work through it, not sweep it under the rug like it never happened, how damn insensitive are you to his feelings and his emotions but let me guess, men in general dont have feelings???

 

He said he is working on the marriage, Given the state his mind is in he has every right to be angry. Good lord.

 

Thank you B! I've never seen you here before, but you know how to make an entrance. I could not have put your point better myself and won't. I will add, though, that I am angry with no one on this thread. I may question the state of mind of some, but that's the fun of it all. After all, many are questioning mine. This is a forum in the true sense of freedom of speech. One last thought, they only kissed. Beieve me and believe her. She is not a liar by nature, she just really, really slipped out of character. Just ask her friends, her subordinates, her superiors, and above all, me.

[dprtman09]

Silverplanets... I admire your honesty, your maturity and your wisdom. I admire that despite the bad experiences you had, you have learned from them, grown as a person and found understanding and peace. I admire you.

 

departman - I feel that you are full of rage. Even your posts to other members is harsh and caustic. I can only imagine that living with you right about now must be a freaking nightmare. I feel badly for your pretty little wife - I hope she realizes what type of man she is married to and hauls her butt right out of there because you definately have issues. And don't give me that crap that she started the issues - you are not perfect either and maybe she was just flattered by someone who spoke nicely to her and valued her as an equal.

 

If she is giving you the time of day I would count my lucky stars if I was you - in my opinion you are not ready to forgive, forget or heal this marriage. You just want to win. You are egotistical and offended that you wife dared to look at someone else twice.

 

Really, if you are having such a difficult time controlling your anger and your quest for what I feel is vengence, perhaps you should consider separating for a while until you have worked things out in your head.

 

My apolgies, truly, if I am out of line, but if you lash out at those who attempt to help you by responding to your posts, then perhaps it is time for a 180 on you.

 

Why can't you just let this go and take positive steps to restore your relationship????

 

Check out Chrome Barracuda. It's been 3 or 4 pages since your last post, and you've read nothing in between? Over a year ago, you may have been right. Then, My W was lieing, cheating, and sharing intimate moments with someone other than me. I would have been crazy to be laid back. I would have been insane not to fight for my place in her life.

 

Lash out, you say? In college, I was the hired gun of my social circle. I was the social "hit man". If someone needed to be put in their place, my circle knew that I could get it done quickly and efficiently. I am an adult now and have honed the talent. No one here knows just how caustic I can be. In fact, very few people in my life in the last 40 years know that. It just doesn't serve a purpose in an adult relationship. My W knows, though. On dday, she found out that there was a side to me that had , at that time, only been part of the stories of my past. When that side of me became real and "now" to her, it immediately woke her up to the damage she had caused. She has done nothing in the last year to bring that out again, now do I think she ever will.

 

It's hard to forgive, but it can be done. It's impossible to forget, and my W and I have resolved to deal with that.

 

Done and done.

 

By the way, Silverplanets did help. He's one of very few posters that addressed my original question. Due to his views, I have gone a long way towards losing my interest in the OM. That's why I came here in the first place.

 

Done, done, and done

[dprtman09]

Chrome I think both you and Chingaling have points.

 

Yes I know BS experience anger phases and dprtman09 is likely experiencing this. However I also noticed what Chingaling did in particular the bit where he wrote that the OM lost. This sounds like an ego trip to me too, like he had to win and keep his wife over the OM.

 

dprtman09, I don't know if you are in counselling or not. I would recommend it though in order to be sure you are trying to save your marriage for the right reasons.

 

In case you didn't know, all of us have an ego. We are all territorial. We all want to be "masters of our domain". I would be a liar to you all if I didn't at least acknowledge that I'm human. There is a part of every balanced human that is competetive. It's based on the ego and the territoriality that is essential to the survival of any species. Kill or be killed. Eat or be eaten. It's in all of us. Of course, part of me looked at him as a rival or an invader. Otherwise, I could have sat back and watched him somehow convince her that he was the better man. Just because my W put herself into the A, it doesn't mean that the OM was free of sin! He encouraged it and tried to undermine my confidence directly. He lost. I beat him. I fought for the return of my W to the relationship, he didn't fight for the love he claimed to have. Even she pointed that out in our discussions later.

 

I am a conservative Republican, not a bleeding heart liberal. I admit to being self-absorbed when necessary.

 

I am entitled to be proud of the love I have for my W. I am proud that I promised her that I would never turn my back on her when we fell in love. I am proud that she believed in that promise enough to work as she has to repair our M. I am proud to be married to a woman who is human, makes a mistake, and learns from it. I am proud that she decided to allow me to experience the knowledge she has gained. We have learned to share again. I am proud of her ego, which led her to the conclusion that she did not have to continue to debase herself with the OM.

 

When you come right down to it, much of it is a matter of ego. Oh, that's right, we musn't speak of ego (I'm dating myself), we must politically correctly speak of "self-esteem issues". MY FOOT! Call it what it is. Be human. Walk a mile in my shoes. There is nothing sugar-coated about what happened. There is nothing sugar-coated about what needs to be done to fix it. It was gut-wrenching when it happened. It's far more productive to "suffer" through the solutions.

 

You wanted opinionated--you got it.

[lkjh]

I only read parts of this thread but it seems like you are to bent on proving your manhood. You seem to want to believe your wife was innocent and the OM was completely to blame. Don't get me wrong I wouldn't let the guy off the hook but if your wife went to a romantic dinner and then to his house I can guarantee she knew it wasn't innocent. If the guy was brave enough to kiss her Im positive he hit on her well before that night.

 

You really need to hold your wife responsible and stop focusing on the OM completely

[Chrome Barracuda]

Yep, i concur they are both to blame.

 

But back to changlings post. I see no merit in her words. her judgement is clouded because she's been having an EA with an OM for 20 yrs. And she's been married just as long.

 

WTF???

 

I'm glad your putting things back together d09 but remember she needs to own her own crap. No one forced her to have an affair. The sooner this OM is outta both your lives the better!

[LifesontheUp]

In case you didn't know, all of us have an ego. We are all territorial. We all want to be "masters of our domain". I would be a liar to you all if I didn't at least acknowledge that I'm human. There is a part of every balanced human that is competetive. It's based on the ego and the territoriality that is essential to the survival of any species. Kill or be killed. Eat or be eaten. It's in all of us. Of course, part of me looked at him as a rival or an invader. Otherwise, I could have sat back and watched him somehow convince her that he was the better man. Just because my W put herself into the A, it doesn't mean that the OM was free of sin! He encouraged it and tried to undermine my confidence directly. He lost. I beat him. I fought for the return of my W to the relationship, he didn't fight for the love he claimed to have. Even she pointed that out in our discussions later.

 

I am a conservative Republican, not a bleeding heart liberal. I admit to being self-absorbed when necessary.

 

I am entitled to be proud of the love I have for my W. I am proud that I promised her that I would never turn my back on her when we fell in love. I am proud that she believed in that promise enough to work as she has to repair our M. I am proud to be married to a woman who is human, makes a mistake, and learns from it. I am proud that she decided to allow me to experience the knowledge she has gained. We have learned to share again. I am proud of her ego, which led her to the conclusion that she did not have to continue to debase herself with the OM.

 

When you come right down to it, much of it is a matter of ego. Oh, that's right, we musn't speak of ego (I'm dating myself), we must politically correctly speak of "self-esteem issues". MY FOOT! Call it what it is. Be human. Walk a mile in my shoes. There is nothing sugar-coated about what happened. There is nothing sugar-coated about what needs to be done to fix it. It was gut-wrenching when it happened. It's far more productive to "suffer" through the solutions.

 

You wanted opinionated--you got it.

 

You missed my point. From your posts it comes across that you staying with your wife because you won her back from the OM and for no other reason.

 

Also, read my earlier comment, she hasn't shared all with you.Yes it takes hard work but your wife is holding back and you know it.

[Dexter Morgan]

The whole reason I started this thread was to get some insight from posters about the OM that I knew I could never get from him. I haven't tried to contact him for a long time, nor do I wish to. Read your last post and my last reply to you. Why do you contradict yourself? Got nothing better to do?

 

I said if you want to contact him to tell him thank you, ya, go ahead.

 

But you are the one saying its a dead horse, so if thats the way you feel, then let it be. either the issue is dead, or there is a need to contact him...which is it?

 

YOU need to make up your mind. Do you want to contact him, or is the horse dead and no further contact needed?

 

You say you don't wish to contact him in your last post, your other replies, especially the ones in the beginning, say otherwise.

 

make up your mind.

[Dexter Morgan]

One more hint: Read my reply to spark1111. There yet?

 

as much as you might think everyone has every minute of the day to read every post of every thread, some people just don't have that kind of time.

 

so if you are referring to you changing your mind about contacting him, then hopefully you will stick to it.

 

and also, with regards to you saying the other man is a jackass who saw a hot piece and went after it....then obviously you have similar sentiments about your wife....because she went after a hot piece too.

 

point is, yes, you are correct, the man IS a jackass. But you just seem to make it out that your wife is this saint, where the OM is more to blame for everything that went on. Sorry. Your wife is the one that had the committment. As much of a jerk as the OM is, your wife made a vow and broke it.

 

I just find it funny that the birds and rabbits come out when talking about your wife in most posts, but THAT OM IS A JERK!!!!!

[Dexter Morgan]

I stand by my post. He says many times that he does not believe that there was intercourse or some form of sex involved.

 

so?

 

 

The EA has been over for several months - yet he is still (in my mind anyways) punishing his wife

 

 

and you think the pain of betrayal goes away for the betrayed after just a few months? She needs to still be facing the consequences of her actions.

 

What is it about people that the betrayed, who will be reeling inside and hurting for some time to come, should just get over it?

 

 

Perhaps women have different expectations of what is going to happen when a couple "reconciles", and I don't think it includes beating a dead horse for months afterwards or supervising their spouse

 

uh, sorry, if someone has cheated, then they need to be a complete open book and need to show the betrayed in ACTION that they are not cheating again. if this is "supervising" to you, then so be it.

 

If someone who has cheated doesn't want to be under the microscope for a while and doesn't want to do what is necessary to right their wrong, then they aren't fit to be married in the first place, as if they were fit to begin with by cheating....emotional or otherwise.

 

 

 

Perhaps a woman's primary reaction to a spouse's EA would be more hurt than anger. In any case, my thoughts are that women who reconcile with a WS try to build the relationship again, and not dwell on the affair.

 

thats all well and good. But there will be some time that the betrayed spouse needs to heal and needs this "supervision" to have assurances that their crappy spouse isn't going to do it again. after a time has gone by where the BS can trust the cheater again, THEN only can a relationship be built.

 

forget not, the cheater broke trust....it isn't going to be rebuilt to 90% in just a matter of months.

[Chingaling]

Yep, i concur they are both to blame.

 

But back to changlings post. I see no merit in her words. her judgement is clouded because she's been having an EA with an OM for 20 yrs. And she's been married just as long.

 

WTF???

 

I'm glad your putting things back together d09 but remember she needs to own her own crap. No one forced her to have an affair. The sooner this OM is outta both your lives the better!

 

 

If you are going to judge my situation, fine... but pay close attention to my other post ... I will call what I had with an old boyfriend an EA... a very long distance EA over many years. I saw him a few times during this time, and whether you believe it or not, nothing happened between us although goodness knows we were both sorely tempted. I would imagine that you will concur that I have some experience therefore in presenting to the OP how a woman who becomes involved in an EA feels. I do not see how the OP is helping his own situation - so much anger! And before you tell me that I don't know how it feel, please know that I have been on the receiving end as a BS too - much earlier in my marriage when my husband decided that a few pieces of *ss were more important than his pregnant wife at home with a toddler. He lied, of course he lied like a rug despite the long scratch marks down his back and a raging case of herpes - but I knew in my heart and in my head what had happened and I did not press him for details. It was enough just to know that it had happened. It took a large chunk of my heart, and depleted some of the love that I had for him. By the time my EAP reappeared, I had already been married for five years. I wish I had left my marriage then - but I didn't (how loyal! how forgiving! how wonderful!). I respected my vows. And stayed and supported my alcoholic husband and worked and raised his children... so do not tell me that my judgement is clouded... hindsight is 20/20.

 

Anyways, I digress.... I hope that the OP can deal with his anger issues and find a way to truly rekindle their relationship. After reading your posts, I am thinking of changing my name to The Scarlett Letter...

Edited January 12, 2010 by Chingaling

[Chingaling]

Yep, i concur they are both to blame.

 

But back to changlings post. I see no merit in her words. her judgement is clouded because she's been having an EA with an OM for 20 yrs. And she's been married just as long.

 

WTF???

 

I'm glad your putting things back together d09 but remember she needs to own her own crap. No one forced her to have an affair. The sooner this OM is outta both your lives the better!

 

 

If you are going to judge my situation, fine... but pay close attention to my other post ... I will call what I had with an old boyfriend an EA... a very long distance EA over many years. I saw him a few times during this time, and whether you believe it or not, nothing happened between us although goodness knows we were both sorely tempted. I would imagine that you will concur that I have some experience therefore in presenting to the OP how a woman who becomes involved in an EA feels. I do not see how the OP is helping his own situation - so much anger! And before you tell me that I don't know how it feel, please know that I have been on the receiving end as a BS too - much earlier in my marriage when my husband decided that a few pieces of *ss were more important than his pregnant wife at home with a toddler. He lied, of course he lied like a rug despite the long scratch marks down his back and a raging case of herpes - but I knew in my heart and in my head what had happened and I did not press him for details. It was enough just to know that it had happened. It took a large chunk of my heart, and depleted some of the love that I had for him. By the time my EAP reappeared, I had already been married for five years. I wish I had left my marriage then - but I didn't (how loyal! how forgiving! how wonderful!). I respected my vows. And stayed and supported my alcoholic husband and worked and raised his children... so do not tell me that my judgement is clouded... hindsight is 20/20.

 

Anyways, I digress.... I hope that the OP can deal with his anger issues and find a way to truly rekindle their relationship. After reading your post, I am thinking of changing my name to The Scarlett Letter...

[dprtman09]

so?

 

 

 

 

 

and you think the pain of betrayal goes away for the betrayed after just a few months? She needs to still be facing the consequences of her actions.

 

What is it about people that the betrayed, who will be reeling inside and hurting for some time to come, should just get over it?

 

 

 

 

uh, sorry, if someone has cheated, then they need to be a complete open book and need to show the betrayed in ACTION that they are not cheating again. if this is "supervising" to you, then so be it.

 

If someone who has cheated doesn't want to be under the microscope for a while and doesn't want to do what is necessary to right their wrong, then they aren't fit to be married in the first place, as if they were fit to begin with by cheating....emotional or otherwise.

 

 

 

 

 

thats all well and good. But there will be some time that the betrayed spouse needs to heal and needs this "supervision" to have assurances that their crappy spouse isn't going to do it again. after a time has gone by where the BS can trust the cheater again, THEN only can a relationship be built.

 

forget not, the cheater broke trust....it isn't going to be rebuilt to 90% in just a matter of months.

 

Thank you, DM. Some of the women on this thread seem to think that a WS must be left alone to sort out their mistakes and feelings. At some point down the road this may be true. If she did not want the consequences, then she should not have done the deed. Now that she is done with the OM, hers is the burden of proof. My only obligation is to follow through consistently with my promise to myself to heal over time. I need that for my health. Basically, if I follow my own agenda and I want to rebuild the M in a new dynamic (and I am in love with her), then my wishes will be fulfilled. Right now, that's where I'm at. She'll see what my intentions are only if she wants to. So far, she has seen and agreed with those intentions. I have two rules for her: NO OM's and DON'T LIE TO ME. It's simple. As long as she follows those 2 rules, she will have no problem doing what needs to be done to regain my trust.

 

I don't police her, she polices herself. She has taken it upon herself to let me know where she is and what she's doing. If I call her for something, she answers or calls back in minutes (her job requires her to be on the phone a lot). She calls to tell me where she is and when she'll be back. I don't demand these things, but she told me that she needs to do them to show me that all of the deceptions are over. She has set many rules for herself and that should indicate that she takes responsibility for the screw-up she committed.

 

Upon thinking back the other day, I realized that during the A, the only thing that she could do while looking me in the eyes and flat out stating the facts was to state that she did not have intercourse with him. There was no undo tension in her voice at the time. She was not flippant about it. There were few if any signs that she was lieing then or now about that issue. She did not pull a "Clinton" and overemphasize the words or try to re-define sex. She simply said "no" and that she won't commit her body to just anyone. Meanwhile, she was still just as good in bed with me. Yeah, that was a bit confusing, to say the least, but I always knew taht she wouldn't leave the M. Even at my worst, I had to operate from the platform that the M would win, therefore the two of us would win.

 

DM, you have your head screwed on right.

[dprtman09]

I only read parts of this thread but it seems like you are to bent on proving your manhood. You seem to want to believe your wife was innocent and the OM was completely to blame. Don't get me wrong I wouldn't let the guy off the hook but if your wife went to a romantic dinner and then to his house I can guarantee she knew it wasn't innocent. If the guy was brave enough to kiss her Im positive he hit on her well before that night.

 

You really need to hold your wife responsible and stop focusing on the OM completely

 

Because you are kind enough to be on this thread and, if I recall, had a really good post earlier, let me fill you in on some of the now 10 pages that have been generated.

 

Check out my reply to Chinaling on page 9 or 10 regarding proving my manhood.

 

I no longer care about the OM. Credit Silverplanets with that in large part (page 8 or 9, I believe).

 

My W is to blame for everything she did. He did hit on her repeatedly prior to her consent to date him. The OM is responsible for his actions in that he should not have hit on her, but then it was her ball game.

 

I have learned and organized much of my thinking due to this thread.

 

I am now hoping that others can begin to gain from this thread as I have.

 

I'll be looking for other threads where I may be able to constructively comment regarding what I have learned from all of this.

[dprtman09]

If you are going to judge my situation, fine... but pay close attention to my other post ... I will call what I had with an old boyfriend an EA... a very long distance EA over many years. I saw him a few times during this time, and whether you believe it or not, nothing happened between us although goodness knows we were both sorely tempted. I would imagine that you will concur that I have some experience therefore in presenting to the OP how a woman who becomes involved in an EA feels. I do not see how the OP is helping his own situation - so much anger! And before you tell me that I don't know how it feel, please know that I have been on the receiving end as a BS too - much earlier in my marriage when my husband decided that a few pieces of *ss were more important than his pregnant wife at home with a toddler. He lied, of course he lied like a rug despite the long scratch marks down his back and a raging case of herpes - but I knew in my heart and in my head what had happened and I did not press him for details. It was enough just to know that it had happened. It took a large chunk of my heart, and depleted some of the love that I had for him. By the time my EAP reappeared, I had already been married for five years. I wish I had left my marriage then - but I didn't (how loyal! how forgiving! how wonderful!). I respected my vows. And stayed and supported my alcoholic husband and worked and raised his children... so do not tell me that my judgement is clouded... hindsight is 20/20.

 

Anyways, I digress.... I hope that the OP can deal with his anger issues and find a way to truly rekindle their relationship. After reading your post, I am thinking of changing my name to The Scarlett Letter...

 

Just remember, Chinaling, women are from Venus, men are from Mars. Women deal with a far more complex emotional make-up than men. Gender equality in opportunity in life is important, but don't carry it over into how the genders were created. No laws or political correctness can change what men ane women are. We were created differently for a reason, mating and pro-creation--survival of the species. Don't think that any man is going to have the same emotional complexities as a woman. Men have emotions, but are built to handle them in a quite different manner. Men are hunters by nature; women are gatherers (this statement applies only to relationships, not to jobs, opportunities, etc.)

 

I have no anger issues at this point. I can recall being very angry, but I don't have to puke up the emotions any more. Every now and then, I still hurt. Every now and then, I have to take stock and realize that the innocence of our M is forever gone. What you see as anger issues, I see as my ability to own my feelings again, not have them in the hands of the OM or his former girlfriend. Men need to be masters of their domain. Above all, they need to control their emotions based on their feelings for those around them. Generally, men tend to control the things their environment, women tend to control the people in their environment. Think about that for a minute. Both genders try to do the right thing in a different way. Neither is inherently evil, just a different approach.

 

Seldom have I seen this to be true more than here.

 

By the way, you are no more guilty or innocent than anyone else.

[dprtman09]

as much as you might think everyone has every minute of the day to read every post of every thread, some people just don't have that kind of time.

 

so if you are referring to you changing your mind about contacting him, then hopefully you will stick to it.

 

and also, with regards to you saying the other man is a jackass who saw a hot piece and went after it....then obviously you have similar sentiments about your wife....because she went after a hot piece too.

 

point is, yes, you are correct, the man IS a jackass. But you just seem to make it out that your wife is this saint, where the OM is more to blame for everything that went on. Sorry. Your wife is the one that had the committment. As much of a jerk as the OM is, your wife made a vow and broke it.

 

I just find it funny that the birds and rabbits come out when talking about your wife in most posts, but THAT OM IS A JERK!!!!!

 

You are right to a degree, but let me clarify.

 

I have already posted that I no longer care about the OM. I will stick to it.

 

There were NO birds and rabbits for the better part of 2008 and few early in 2009. What my W and I have found is that we need to create some to displace the demons that were created then. This is, as you astutely pointed out, a process. I pointed out that the OM hit on her, but after that, it was her ballgame. She grabbed on to the wrong coat tails. The demons may never go away, but they need to be the lowest priority. The higher calling is to build new memories for the future based on what got us together in the first place. Indeed, we need to dwell on what kept us together despite her screw-up. Those are the items that will get us back to a mutually owned M.

[Dexter Morgan]

Thank you, DM. Some of the women on this thread seem to think that a WS must be left alone to sort out their mistakes and feelings.

 

well I think there are some on this forum, and as of late it seems to be women, that think a man just needs to get over it...as if they are coming to the defense of the cheating wife.

 

 

 

I don't police her, she polices herself.

 

again, some people think that asking for assurances, being an open book, and doing what it takes to gain trust back is some form of control.

 

as if lack of all those things kept a spouse from staying in the first place. why is it when a spouses guard is down, and trust level is high, that THEN the cheater does what they do? And then after cheating its as if you are just suppose to get over it? dont think so.

 

When one cheats, they lost the comfort and security of a trusting spouse with not oversight for a while.

 

I guess we shouldn't put criminals on probation either:o

[Darth Vader]

not to threadjack, but I have posted before that he has already hit her. blackened her eye.

 

so I guess that would be a "yes".

 

 

Maybe you did tell me, I honestly can't remember, must be old age? NAH!!! Can't be!:lmao:

[Darth Vader]

In the last year, nothing has come to light. I have no doubt that those on this site are decent people, that's why I'm here (I cherry-picked my way to this site, as I pointed out somewhere in all of this). You have some very valid points, but, as I've pointed out to another poster, one cannot prove a negative. I can't prove that my W did NOT sleep with him. I have made a decision to go with the most evidence that she did not. In other words, none of us can prove that she did sleep with him. She cannot prove that she did NOT sleep with him. Her knowledge of my activity here and what she knows of the posts has led her to more soul searching regarding WHY she did what she did, so this site is helping me. In short, she wanted to have her cake and eat it, too. I believe that for a while, she actually thought that it was OK to look for things in the OM that she thought I couldn't offer. Sex wasn't one of them. She wanted both worlds. Matter and anti-matter cancel each other out in a h**l of an explosion. Our marriage was in critical condtion, but if I didn't think it was worth it, I wouldn't be here, just ask my first wife.

 

 

The fact that you can't prove or disprove anything, and the fact that she won't tell you everything speaks volumes! It speaks volumes to me! "Like, I don't really want to tell you about what really happened". It looks like she's stringing you along, keeping you hanging out on a limb. I wonder why?.......... This screams something to me. If it were me, she'd be long gone! Too much drama!