My Rambling Story

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

My story:

 

DD was Nov 28th I think, but so much emotion has clouded my thinking, I'm not even sure anymore. Our cell phone bill was over and in checking calls noted that she had made many calls to a # on the night my sister passed away (Nov 23). I was out of town and thought the pattern odd that she called him after each call to me. I confronted her and she admitted to an EA that recently became a PA. At first she denied any physicality but finally admitted to the whole sordid affair. It was ongoing for about 3 months.

 

It was devastating to know that she was seeking comfort from another man on such a terrible night. After much crying and anguish, we decided to try and save our marriage. After two days, I could see her heart wasn't in it and told her to leave and go be with him. I didn't want any hesitations or remorse from her if she wanted to reconcile. I'd rather her leave and let me get on with my life as painful as it was. She did leave but actually spent the week with his wife. Strange situation, he's married, but his wife has been gay for several years. He was out of town and so it was an opportunity for her to spend time alone and to figure out what she wanted. It sounds stupid now typing it, but that's the way it went.

 

After much reading, it was suggested that one positive step is to take time away, so we decided to go on a week long family vacation (the kids don't know....in fact noone knows but the OM and his wife). While the vacation was okay and on several levels we reconnected, she still confesses to missing the OM terribly. She's had only one contact with him since DD and that was to tell him it was over. Until I discovered that she e-mailed him during our vacation to say she missed him. She did openly admit to this e-mail and did not try to conceal it for whatever that is worth.

 

Now, we are just mostly going through the motions, trying to keep face for the children through the holidays. She wants to leave again for a week after xmas and determine whether she 'misses' me. She's going out of state to our 2nd home, but I have doubts as to whether she'll use that time to reconnect with the OM. The OM is still waiting in the wings and hopes for her return, even though he is still married. I know she still misses him but so far she has promised no further contact.

 

Me, I've started to just take care of myself and my kids. I'm resigned right now that our marriage is likely over, although I have hopes for reconciliation. She says she still loves me and can't imagine life without me and when she closes her eyes sees us together forever. Yet, as an addict, she is still addicted to the love of the OM.

 

Am I being played and should I just start issuing ultimatums or give her this time to decide what to do? I figure a week can't hurt too bad and if she ends up back with him, so be it, at least I'll know and the game is over.

 

I will say, the pain, even after a short 3 weeks is getting better. I'm at least able to function now (handling my sister's estate) and re-concentrate on work. I do still love her and wish for our marriage to recover, but I'm unsure of some of the steps to take:

 

Do I make her give up her cell phone (on a different plan)?

Do I ask her not to associate with the group of friends where she was involved with this guy, although none of them know of her infidelity?

Do I make her a prisoner of her home, risking alienation?

 

I'm very confused at times as to what to demand and what to let go. I am trying to take control of my life again. I don't call her through the day. I don't ask her where she's been. We have even refrained from the "I love you's" until I know whether we are going forward with reconciliation or whether she is moving out.

 

On that note, she says she can't imagine leaving the children. I told her that I would keep our 4 year old and ask for custody and that I would stay in the marriage home. No way am I leaving when I did nothing wrong. She has a 15 year old from a former marriage that would likely go with her or back with his dad. I think its actually a plus to separate the kids, because the 15 year old has been in constant trouble with the law (drugs, stealing, etc.) and she's even admitted that she's afraid to leave him around our youngest. But I know the courts often side in favor of the mother. However, I also think I can prove her as unfit considering the past 6 months she's been out partying with her single friends more than she's been home, and if she had the A, then she chose not to be with her kids in the time she was devoting to the OM.

 

I know a long post, and quite rambling, but it's the first time other than a journal I started keeping that I've opened up about it to anyone. Noone in our family or our friends know or suspect. They think my depression and sullenness is from my sister's death (of course partly true). In some ways, I can't wait to tell everyone what a cheating bitch she was, but if there's a chance of reconciliation, I won't do that.

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

I am sorry for what you are going through. Yes I think you are totally being played. She is what we call a cake eater. You are allowing to continue her fantasy and affair without any consequences to her behavior. No consequences to her behavior equals no motivation to change.

 

If the roles were reversed, do you honestly think she would be so accommodating and accepting of your betrayal as you seem to be. I suggest that you contact an attorney and discuss your options. My guess is this will probably knock her out of her fog. Allowing to continue her affair without severe consequences is madness. What wife would respect a husband who would continue to be accepting of her affair without consequences? You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions are speaking volumes about her disrespect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will? By going to an attorney IT will allow her to know that you are serious and allowing her to realize what it will mean to be a single mom. You must be proactive. One more time: NO CONSEQUENCES TO HER ACTIONS EQUALS NO MOTIVATION TO CHANGE!

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

Thanks Bryan for the response. I have plans to visit my attorney the week after Xmas. I'm not foolish enough not to protect myself. I'm probably being foolish however in hoping that a week of NC will be fruitful, but I have read various suggestions on here that it can be a good thing. I figure I can't get screwed over much more in a week than I am now, and honestly, I've emotionally detached myself enough to actually be thankful if she goes back to the OM during this time as at least I will finally know and chart a plan to move forward with my life at that point. As I figure it, one of three things will happen during the period of NC:

 

She will realize what she is potentially losing, will miss me and our family and will truly be ready to work towards reconciliation.

 

She will have contact with the OM, which will confirm to me that we are beyond reconciliation, and I will move forward with divorce and ask her to leave.

 

She will come back still uncommitted which will still confirm to me that divorce may be the best answer and I will move forward.

 

I have made it clear to her, that divorce may be the right path and that I will not tolerate any hesitation or remorse from her on choosing reconciliation. She knows that I am serious in that regard. Yes, I probably acted weak in the initial stages as I was completely lost. But I have regained my footing, feel my resolve and strength returning, and I WILL do what is best for me and the kid(s).

 

To that end, I am scared of getting screwed over by the courts, even tho the overwhelming evidence is that I should retain the home and custody of our child. But I guess that's another topic.

[imagine]

Expose. She does indeed deserve the consequences. Keep a log of all her activities.

 

You need to wait before you make a final decision for divorce. give it another month or so. Right now she is going through withdrawal. This is quite normal.

Only later does the WW realize what she has done.

 

For your own growth, meet her emotional needs. OM obviously filled these. This will help you in this relationship or the next.

[allhopelost]

I too am sorry for what you are going through. It is most likely the most painful gut punch you have ever received. Double the impact with your sisters passing and you have a recipe for despair.

I, like you, know the pain of seeing your WW turn to the arms of another man to fill some self-centered void of theirs that somehow we, as BS's, have created.

The major difference in your situation is that she says she "loves and misses" her OM, which thankfully is something I didn't have to deal with. It is likely, in my opinion, that she is still in the so-called-fog and unable to think/reason clearly. How was your marriage prior to the affair? Did you see this coming or was it out of the blue? There is hope in that she has started to open up and appears to be telling the truth. Insist on every little detail. And man, I do mean everything. Insist that she walk you through every encounter, as graphically as can be. I would insist on this for two reasons: 1.) You have a RIGHT to know everything, and what you manage to piece together from half/truths will more than likely be 100 times worse than reality/fact, and 2.) Her hearing herself talk about these things, these embarrassing things, and seeing the pain and discomfort you will be wearing on your face, should shake her enough to either break her down and force her to accept the fact that what she did was horrible to you and your family (setting the stage for remorse, genuine remorse), or if she is calloused and indifferent in her telling of the details, with no remorse, or she is uncooperative and combative, at least you will know where YOU stand in her eyes, where the marriage stands in her eyes, and you can then, depending on how she reacts, along with your GUT FEELINGS, make the decision to try reconciliation or see an attorney.

As far as telling the world what a cheating b!tch she is, remember once something is said, or the bridges are burned, there is no turning back. I refrained from this temptation and three months into R I am glad I did. Remember, as lousy as you may feel about what she has done to you and your family, she is still revered in the eyes of your children. Don't make this about them, rather do everything you can to protect them from this ugliness.

 

Remember that you are now in control, 100% control, of the marriage. Set boundaries and make sure that they are followed. I have never liked ultimatums, but one is necessary in this circumstance. Issue one.

 

MC is an absolute must, as is IC for both of you.

 

Good luck my friend...I will keep you and your family in my prayers...

[lkjh]

Expose her, right now she is living both lives with no consequences. She has the freedom of a single lady and the stability of a marriage

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

Expose. She does indeed deserve the consequences. Keep a log of all her activities.

 

You need to wait before you make a final decision for divorce. give it another month or so. Right now she is going through withdrawal. This is quite normal.

Only later does the WW realize what she has done.

 

For your own growth, meet her emotional needs. OM obviously filled these. This will help you in this relationship or the next.

 

I have actually been more attentive in both her and myself. The past year or so has been rough as my father had a heart attack, my mother was diagnosed with Parkinson's and I had to dispose of their estate and move them into assisted living. During this time, I'm sure I was in a funk myself and let myself as well as my attention to her go. I'm NOT accepting blame for what she did, but I recognize what contributed to it. So, I'm back to keeping myself presentable (shaving, wearing nice clothes, etc.) and feel better about myself. In turn, I think she sees this change in me and is regaining her attraction. Funny, she's openly admitted that the OM is short, unattractive and doesn't possess many of the qualities that attracted her to me in the first place. The one thing he did do, was give her the one need she wanted most. To feel attractive and desired. Something I readily admit had been waning from me due to all the other distractions.

 

So, I understand somewhat about the withdrawal and the addiction she has to overcome. Doesn't make it easy. In the meantime, I'm trying to take care of me and the kids the best I can, be more attentive to her needs, but all the while keep in my head that the next step may very well be divorce. It's certainly a tough row to hoe.

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

I too am sorry for what you are going through. It is most likely the most painful gut punch you have ever received. Double the impact with your sisters passing and you have a recipe for despair.

I, like you, know the pain of seeing your WW turn to the arms of another man to fill some self-centered void of theirs that somehow we, as BS's, have created.

The major difference in your situation is that she says she "loves and misses" her OM, which thankfully is something I didn't have to deal with. It is likely, in my opinion, that she is still in the so-called-fog and unable to think/reason clearly. How was your marriage prior to the affair? Did you see this coming or was it out of the blue? There is hope in that she has started to open up and appears to be telling the truth. Insist on every little detail. And man, I do mean everything. Insist that she walk you through every encounter, as graphically as can be. I would insist on this for two reasons: 1.) You have a RIGHT to know everything, and what you manage to piece together from half/truths will more than likely be 100 times worse than reality/fact, and 2.) Her hearing herself talk about these things, these embarrassing things, and seeing the pain and discomfort you will be wearing on your face, should shake her enough to either break her down and force her to accept the fact that what she did was horrible to you and your family (setting the stage for remorse, genuine remorse), or if she is calloused and indifferent in her telling of the details, with no remorse, or she is uncooperative and combative, at least you will know where YOU stand in her eyes, where the marriage stands in her eyes, and you can then, depending on how she reacts, along with your GUT FEELINGS, make the decision to try reconciliation or see an attorney.

As far as telling the world what a cheating b!tch she is, remember once something is said, or the bridges are burned, there is no turning back. I refrained from this temptation and three months into R I am glad I did. Remember, as lousy as you may feel about what she has done to you and your family, she is still revered in the eyes of your children. Don't make this about them, rather do everything you can to protect them from this ugliness.

 

Remember that you are now in control, 100% control, of the marriage. Set boundaries and make sure that they are followed. I have never liked ultimatums, but one is necessary in this circumstance. Issue one.

 

MC is an absolute must, as is IC for both of you.

 

Good luck my friend...I will keep you and your family in my prayers...

 

Thank you for all the kind words. Our marriage has been mostly great for 8 years. We have gone through alot of turmoil together outside the marriage (our delinquent 15 year old, both her parents passing of cancer, my own parents failing health) but have remained together. I think over the past year or two, tho, life has become repetitive and mundane. I see that now and am changing myself whether it be for this relationship or the next. My sister passing at a young age really opened my eyes. She worked hard all her life, saved and had a stroke at 52 and was gone. She has all the money in the bank but no enjoyment to show for it. No memories. So, I'm determine to change that for me and my family. Whether my wife chooses to share that is yet to be determined.

 

I'm sure she is still in the withdrawal stages, but it doesn't make it any easier. When I asked her during our vacation what she felt the single most difficult hurdle to overcome would be, she said getting rid of her feelings for the OM. That was heart breaking, but I understand better now that she is in denial of the situation. How could she possibly think that leaving her family to be with a married man is the best thing for anyone? I know now that she simply isn't thinking clearly and I've come to terms with that. However, I am to the point that NC needs to continue whether she misses him or not.

 

In my mind, the biggest hurdle to overcome is trust for both of us. Trust from me that she is committed to us and that this event won't repeat itself. Trust from her that my attention and change is genuine. She's admitted that she's erected a wall and while she still loves me dearly, is afraid of letting herself go back to being 'in-love' with me. For so long, she says she was totally 'in-love' with me, but that I didn't reciprocate those feelings and it took her 9 years to get to this point. That's partially true I suppose, but it doesn't mitigate what she did. She broke that trust. She focused her efforts somewhere else and not on us. All of this I'm understanding through constant reading and understanding. It's been a rough 3-4 weeks and I know it will be difficult for some time. Whether we fly or fail remains to be seen. I'm hopeful, but desperately afraid of being a fool.

[allhopelost]

It's been a rough 3-4 weeks and I know it will be difficult for some time. Whether we fly or fail remains to be seen. I'm hopeful, but desperately afraid of being a fool.

I know the feeling of being afraid of being a fool. I think that is a completely normal "feeling" given the circumstances. You, as most all other betrayed spouses, were in fact already fooled by the one person in the whole world we have invested all our heart and soul into, our spouse.

 

As you read and post, you will see that there are basically two camps here on LS, the Reconcile camp ® and the Divorce (D) camp. I chose to make my start in the R camp for many reasons, and none of them involve me being afraid to be a fool. I personally believe that the one true gift we can give the ones we love, we trust, the ones we are most heavily invested emotionally and physically in, is the gift of compassion. The true measure of ones self worth is not to be so judgmental of others that we fail to see our own faults and fail to measure them against the specific situation at hand. Only then, when we reflect on not only the situation that has been thrust on us, blindsided us, knocked us on our back, but the situations that evolved over time that we have some accountability for, that the true perspective comes into focus. If you can compartmentalize the emotions (both yours and hers) surrounding the affair from the actual details, you will see that although this feels like the end of the world, and your marriage as you envisioned it before the affair has been completely changed, you will also realize that people are but mere humans, animals that are capable of making stupid and irrational decisions. For one to look at the big picture and see these decisions to be the measurement of ones worth as an individual, as a person, as the singular most defining moment in that persons life, the one thing for which they should be remembered for, my friend, is foolish. No, the true measure of a man is in his ability to make the tough decisions that best serve his own and his own family's needs, and believing in himself enough to know his actions are both noble and just.

 

Take control of your situation, make the tough decisions, but make them with compassion and an understanding that what you are doing is in yours and your family's best interests. Although this is not an easy road to follow, try and realize that through this terrible ordeal you will find a strength that I am guessing you didn't even realize you possessed. That strength will not come from me or anyone else here. That strength is found from within. Forged with pain, molded with sorrow, tempered with tears, and polished with time, it will serve you well, regardless of the decisions you ultimately make.

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

I know the feeling of being afraid of being a fool. I think that is a completely normal "feeling" given the circumstances. You, as most all other betrayed spouses, were in fact already fooled by the one person in the whole world we have invested all our heart and soul into, our spouse.

 

As you read and post, you will see that there are basically two camps here on LS, the Reconcile camp ® and the Divorce (D) camp. I chose to make my start in the R camp for many reasons, and none of them involve me being afraid to be a fool. I personally believe that the one true gift we can give the ones we love, we trust, the ones we are most heavily invested emotionally and physically in, is the gift of compassion. The true measure of ones self worth is not to be so judgmental of others that we fail to see our own faults and fail to measure them against the specific situation at hand. Only then, when we reflect on not only the situation that has been thrust on us, blindsided us, knocked us on our back, but the situations that evolved over time that we have some accountability for, that the true perspective comes into focus. If you can compartmentalize the emotions (both yours and hers) surrounding the affair from the actual details, you will see that although this feels like the end of the world, and your marriage as you envisioned it before the affair has been completely changed, you will also realize that people are but mere humans, animals that are capable of making stupid and irrational decisions. For one to look at the big picture and see these decisions to be the measurement of ones worth as an individual, as a person, as the singular most defining moment in that persons life, the one thing for which they should be remembered for, my friend, is foolish. No, the true measure of a man is in his ability to make the tough decisions that best serve his own and his own family's needs, and believing in himself enough to know his actions are both noble and just.

 

Take control of your situation, make the tough decisions, but make them with compassion and an understanding that what you are doing is in yours and your family's best interests. Although this is not an easy road to follow, try and realize that through this terrible ordeal you will find a strength that I am guessing you didn't even realize you possessed. That strength will not come from me or anyone else here. That strength is found from within. Forged with pain, molded with sorrow, tempered with tears, and polished with time, it will serve you well, regardless of the decisions you ultimately make.

 

Thank you so much for this post....I've read it several times and it gives me strength to follow my heart, tempered with my mind, and to try and do the right thing for all involved. I will make the tough decisions, but I will be compassionate as we try to put our life together back together. The past couple of days have actually been much better, as we both agree that we want to move towards reconciliation. She still struggles whether she can fall back 'in' love with me, but she confesses that she doesn't think she will ever love anyone as deeply as she has me, and that she cannot honestly see herself without me in her life. Time will tell. Today started our period of NC and voluntary separation. I'm occupying myself with the kids and cleaning house. So far, I'm doing well. She's gone out of state to our 2nd home and promises NC with me or him. I honestly don't care if she contacts him as that will affirm where I need to go next (divorce court). I have a sense of peace now, knowing that soon the indecision and uncertainty will be minimized and we can move forward towards permanent separation or reconciliation. I'm making an appointment for week after next to start MC which she is entirely in favor of.

[Richard Friedman]

I've got to put in a word for the "divorce camp." OP, many psychologists consider the trauma of an affair the worst kind of emotional abuse, not to mention that she was putting your health at risk through her reckless actions. Also I guarantee you that the images of her with the other man, fellating him and screaming in pleasure as he penetrates her will remain with you for the rest of your days (sorry for the graphic images but I want to get a point across). Every time you are intimate you will be reminded of her betrayal. Given this, why would you want to spend the rest of your days with a woman who you know has so little regard for you as to rip your heart out, and the albatross that is the knowledge of her affair? Don't you feel you deserve someone better who loves and respects you enough to not hurt you like this? Oh, she might say she looves you, but words don't count for two squirts of piss. Actions are what count, and if you think her actions are those those of someone who loves you then God help you. My friend, we only live once and it is up to us the make the best of our days. You can do better than this.

[Richard Friedman]

As for "compassion and forgiveness, those things are all well and good but we must draw a line somewhere. I'm sure for example if some pedophile were to assault your kid in front of your eyes, you would agree that forgiveness in such a case would be madness. Where was your wif

e's compassion for you when she was spreading her legs for another man? Surely it takes much less compassion to not engage in an affair than to forgive one, and your wife could not even give you that. For chrissakes she could not even muster enough compassion to not betray you in the worst way on the the night your sister died? Just reading that made me sick. You've got to look out for yourself here man, To quote a famous Jewish saying, "if you are not for yourself then who will be for you?"Also, after finding ou about their wives cheating many husband feel worthless and question themselves as men. They choose to stay with their wives out of a fear they cannot find another, and to justify this in their minds they use lofty words like compassion and forgiveness. Not to to attack him or single him out, but in his original thread allhopeislost says he does not feel he has it in him to look for another woman and that he would rather die than reenter the dating scene. In cases such as these the husband's compassion comes not from a position of strength but from weakness desperation. Just think, would you be so willing to forgive your wife if you knew tomorrow you could have any woman on earth? Please do not succumb to this easy escape. You can do better.

[jnj express]

A mge is made up of 2 partners, not 3 partners, or another man waiting in the wings, and being thought about constantly by your wife. If you let your wife leave for a week, she is gonna reconnect with her AP, you had better know that going into your one week seperation.

 

Either your wife wants to be married and have a family or she doesn't. You need to set some STRONG boundaries, with consequences that you can/will follow thru on. She needs to show great remorse, be contrite, be completely transparent, and she needs to help you thru your pain and visions, also she needs to answer any questions you have about anything you wish to know about in re: the A. She needs to dump any friends, WHO WOULD NOT BE A FRIEND TO THE MGE., and she needs to put the OM OUT OF HER MIND. All of the above starts NOW. If she can't do the above there you cannot even think about R. the mge.

 

If she will not immediately commit to you, and the mge, and her kids, then tell her you are going to start paperwork toward a D. immediately. She needs to be kickstarted one way or the other. Make sure you cut off her credit cards, and take your 50% of all money that is yours and place it in a seperate account. These things get done NOW.

 

You set the rules, and you decide what is to be done, she either goes with it or gets out of the mge. She has had enuff time to play you---now it is your turn. Be strong.

[Spoiled]

I have actually been more attentive in both her and myself. The past year or so has been rough as my father had a heart attack, my mother was diagnosed with Parkinson's and I had to dispose of their estate and move them into assisted living. During this time, I'm sure I was in a funk myself and let myself as well as my attention to her go. I'm NOT accepting blame for what she did, but I recognize what contributed to it. So, I'm back to keeping myself presentable (shaving, wearing nice clothes, etc.) and feel better about myself. In turn, I think she sees this change in me and is regaining her attraction. Funny, she's openly admitted that the OM is short, unattractive and doesn't possess many of the qualities that attracted her to me in the first place. The one thing he did do, was give her the one need she wanted most. To feel attractive and desired. Something I readily admit had been waning from me due to all the other distractions.

 

So, I understand somewhat about the withdrawal and the addiction she has to overcome. Doesn't make it easy. In the meantime, I'm trying to take care of me and the kids the best I can, be more attentive to her needs, but all the while keep in my head that the next step may very well be divorce. It's certainly a tough row to hoe.

 

I cannot imagine the pain you are enduring at this time. I too was a WW and it will be a rough journey ahead. My H is definitely not to blame for my choice to have an A and neither were you with your W. But understanding and acknowledging how we both contributed to the emotional disconnection in our M is helpful in reconciliation. Like you, my H's parents were both ill and each had a few hospitalizations within a year. I was supportive and also helped, even more than some of his siblings. And with small children, working, keeping house while he traveled with work and tended to others when home(2 years), I finally gave up.

 

We were in MC and I am still in IC because I am continuing to have difficulties with resentment and reconnecting with my H. I asked him several times if he would like for me to leave but wants to continue and not give up.

 

Be firm in what you want from her and do not accept any less. Take care

[allhopelost]

As for "compassion and forgiveness, those things are all well and good but we must draw a line somewhere. I'm sure for example if some pedophile were to assault your kid in front of your eyes, you would agree that forgiveness in such a case would be madness. Where was your wife's compassion for you when she was spreading her legs for another man?

We are not talking about a crime against an innocent child, and frankly, this type of analogy carries no real significance to OP's dilemma..

 

Surely it takes much less compassion to not engage in an affair than to forgive one, and your wife could not even give you that. For chrissakes she could not even muster enough compassion to not betray you in the worst way on the the night your sister died? Just reading that made me sick. You've got to look out for yourself here man, To quote a famous Jewish saying, "if you are not for yourself then who will be for you?"Also, after finding our about their wives cheating many husband feel worthless and question themselves as men. They choose to stay with their wives out of a fear they cannot find another, and to justify this in their minds they use lofty words like compassion and forgiveness. Not to to attack him or single him out, but in his original thread allhopeislost says he does not feel he has it in him to look for another woman and that he would rather die than reenter the dating scene. In cases such as these the husband's compassion comes not from a position of strength but from weakness desperation. Just think, would you be so willing to forgive your wife if you knew tomorrow you could have any woman on earth? Please do not succumb to this easy escape. You can do better.

Fair enough. When I posted my original thread I had just gone through D-Day and not slept, eaten or literally functioned for three days. Did I honestly feel this way when I originally posted? You bet I did.

The beauty of having some time to process my emotions, to rise above the battlefield and survey the situation from several thousand feet, to objectively look at the situation for what it actually was and not what it was perceived to be through my own fog, was liberating.

Is this a sign of weakness on my part for rising to a place where I can see things for what they really are in our M? Is compassion always perceived as coming from a position of weakness?

I have spent way more time reading through these forums archives than I like to admit, than I feel I should have had to. The general consensus is that whenever a man try's to reconcile his marriage, to reflect on his M pre-affair, and choose to work on the things in his own life that had a detrimental effect on the M, he is a weak-minded, pu$$y-whipped shadow of a man who is only too afraid to leave and stays out of a heightened sense of self pity. Although this may be true in some cases, especially where there is no remorse on the WW's part, or there is not a shred of hope that the WW will work as hard as the BH toward R, I honestly believe there are those among us that have a decent chance to recover/reconcile our marriages.

The posts that had the most meaning for me during the first few weeks after discovery were the ones that offered me hope, not the ones that offered only chest pounding "man up" poppycock. That is not to say that I didn't appreciate all the different perspectives from all the wonderful posters who actually took the time to respond to my threads, as I did, very much so.

I would also like to say thank you to you Richard, for actually reading my posts and being able to reference them in response to the OPs thread. Whether I agree with your assumptions about my current situation or not, it is comforting to know that through my own personal trials and posts there are opportunities for both myself and others to benefit from the ongoing discussions that they have spurned.

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

As for "compassion and forgiveness, those things are all well and good but we must draw a line somewhere. I'm sure for example if some pedophile were to assault your kid in front of your eyes, you would agree that forgiveness in such a case would be madness. Where was your wif

e's compassion for you when she was spreading her legs for another man? Surely it takes much less compassion to not engage in an affair than to forgive one, and your wife could not even give you that. For chrissakes she could not even muster enough compassion to not betray you in the worst way on the the night your sister died? Just reading that made me sick. You've got to look out for yourself here man, To quote a famous Jewish saying, "if you are not for yourself then who will be for you?"Also, after finding ou about their wives cheating many husband feel worthless and question themselves as men. They choose to stay with their wives out of a fear they cannot find another, and to justify this in their minds they use lofty words like compassion and forgiveness. Not to to attack him or single him out, but in his original thread allhopeislost says he does not feel he has it in him to look for another woman and that he would rather die than reenter the dating scene. In cases such as these the husband's compassion comes not from a position of strength but from weakness desperation. Just think, would you be so willing to forgive your wife if you knew tomorrow you could have any woman on earth? Please do not succumb to this easy escape. You can do better.

 

I appreciate your post and opinions from the 'other side'. Honestly, the images of my wife with him don't bother me. We've had long talks of disclosure and I know what I need to know. She didn't enjoy the sex and it was only twice. It was her attempt to solidify the relationship out of fear of losing him and his constant attention. Maybe I'm a dumbass for believing anything out of her mouth right now, but I have no reason to believe she would lie as there was no feelings of mine to spare at the time, nor did she likely have the inclination to spare them. So, I don't have horrific visions of her 'screaming in pleasure' or other intense sexual acts. It is actually rather comical to me to visualize the act as I know he's a short unattractive weasly man. Will that change over time? Who the f*** knows, but for now at this time, it is one thing that doesn't bother me terribly. It bothers me more of the possibility of her simply seeing him and making that emotional connection instead of the physical. And if she relapses, it will be the emotional connection she seeks first, not hopping back into bed. Either way, it will be very detrimental if not an absolute deal breaker, and will likely push me out of the R camp and firmly into the D camp.

 

As for your question, if I could have any woman? Unfortunately any woman will not have what my wife possesses. She is the mother of my child and if there is hope of saving our M and our family unit, then I will pursue it. I don't think that's a weak position, but rather a mature one. Stastistics show that 50% of all marriages incur infidelity. Should I really throw this one away on the 1 in 2 chance that the next one doesn't end the same? Of course I'm aware that once a cheater, there lies the possibility of always a cheater. Again only time and work towards R will tell whether I can overcome that lack of trust that I currently have. I see reestablishing trust as the major obstacle for me to overcome. As an example, I found a receipt while cleaning the house from Walgreens and one of the items was a bag of mens boxers bought on Dec 23. I didn't get any boxers for xmas, so you can imagine what I thought. I dashed off to WGs only to find that it wasn't a bag of boxers (they don't carry them) but a bag of crew socks which I remember my wife having. As you can see, I have some trust issues at the moment.

 

Lastly, I am firmly confident as my standing as an attractive man with much to offer. I own a successful business, am in shape and attractive, and know that I would have much to offer potential future women/mates. So, I'm not wallowing in despair that I would be alone the rest of my life. The problem is, is that I love my wife. And after the A, I realize how much. I always maintained that if my wife cheated, she would be shown the door that day. It was a macho stance born of ignorance and not having ever faced the situation. Now that I'm unfortunately living it and mired in the pain and hurt, my viewpoint has changed.

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

A mge is made up of 2 partners, not 3 partners, or another man waiting in the wings, and being thought about constantly by your wife. If you let your wife leave for a week, she is gonna reconnect with her AP, you had better know that going into your one week seperation.

 

Either your wife wants to be married and have a family or she doesn't. You need to set some STRONG boundaries, with consequences that you can/will follow thru on. She needs to show great remorse, be contrite, be completely transparent, and she needs to help you thru your pain and visions, also she needs to answer any questions you have about anything you wish to know about in re: the A. She needs to dump any friends, WHO WOULD NOT BE A FRIEND TO THE MGE., and she needs to put the OM OUT OF HER MIND. All of the above starts NOW. If she can't do the above there you cannot even think about R. the mge.

 

If she will not immediately commit to you, and the mge, and her kids, then tell her you are going to start paperwork toward a D. immediately. She needs to be kickstarted one way or the other. Make sure you cut off her credit cards, and take your 50% of all money that is yours and place it in a seperate account. These things get done NOW.

 

You set the rules, and you decide what is to be done, she either goes with it or gets out of the mge. She has had enuff time to play you---now it is your turn. Be strong.

 

Thank you for your post. I'm fully aware that she could use the week of NC to reconnect. And honestly that's okay. It would at least reaffirm the direction I need to take. Once I make a decision I go 110% with no looking back and if it takes letting her go to him to solidify that decision so be it. I'm hoping that she doesn't and she realizes how much she misses me and the family and is ready to come back committed to rebuilding our relationship. Either way, I'll know what to do.

 

As for the money, I was smart from my first marriage. I've kept separate accounts for everything, only having added her as a 'user'. At any time, I can revoke those privileges and she has no access. I'm keeping a vigilant watch over all activity and if anything is out of the norm, in a moment's notice everything can be seized. Fortunately, the bulk of the assets are our homes (2) and several retirement funds that she has no access to (premarital). Only our checking (non-joint) and our CC (also non-joint) does she really have free access to.

 

Finally, for the rules, when we discuss the terms of our reconciliation, I have several planned, and have already gotten tentative agreement from her towards doing them. She understands that:

 

She will give up her other cell phone and revert solely back to our family plan which I can monitor

She will divulge all e-mail account passwords

She will pull away from her small circle of single friends who aren't conducive to positive attitudes toward marriage

We will attend MC

She will cut off any/all contact with the MOM, preferably with me overhearing the conversation

She will cancel her personal CC (already done)

 

If she can't commit to these, then I have little hope we can move forward. I don't want to imprison her, but she will need to understand that she needs to be as transparent and open as possible to rebuild the lost trust.

[jnj express]

Sounds like you know where you are going with this, and you have your plans on how to get there----I would suggest one thing In/Re: No Contact---It needs to be done as a very short e-mail, or letter with you present while it is being sent or put in the mailbox----It does not need a reply. Do not allow her to have a conversation, to set NC in place, that just brings him fully back into her mind, and sets your process back.

 

I would still challenge her hard about leaving---if she is in love with you, and wants her kids, and her mge.---She doesn't need to go away to think about it. If she wants to R. this mge, she stays with her family in the family home and begins the work necessary to win herself back into the mge. Any other outcome is unacceptable.

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

Just a quick update....2 days of NC and she's called/texted me 1/2 dozen times today. I've ignored them or responded via text with very limited dialogue (only necessary ?s about kids or something broken at the house). She told me she loved me and missed me already. Could be head games, who knows. She told me she was going somewhere with a female friend ( a name I didn't recognize) and that she would be back late. I think she was expecting me to pepper her with questions, but I just texted 'that's fine'. Had lunch with one of my surviving sisters and didn't agonize at all about not picking up the cell and letting her calls go to VM.

 

Letting her go and letting her realize that you are moving on really is the key here. I wished I'd realized that more 3 weeks ago, although I did tell her to leave initially, but was then weak in between with the vacation. AFAIK, she continues to have no contact with AP. I know he himself is out of town and not around. Whether she is having phone/text/email contact, don't know, and don't care. Well, I do care somewhat as I'd like to know as I would know its all a facade and jump ship, but I don't care in the sense if that's the path she's chosen then go for it and let me go on with my life.

[BlueeyedJonesy]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. You sound like a very loving husband & father. Sounds like you've let her get away with too much and at this point you are stepping up and not letting her walk all over you. You don't deserve this...find a better lady that respects you, that you don't have to lie awake at night and wonder where she is..good luck

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

A mixed emotional day. For the past three nights, my 4 year old has crawled into my bed during the middle of the night, complaining of nightmares. This morning, I asked him what his nightmares were and he said they were of someone taking him away from his mommy and daddy. It crushed me to know that this is from his mom being gone so much. I texted (no response) and then called her this morning (breaking the NC) to see if she could change her schedule to come see him. She was already out of town with some business people and couldn't come. She then began to blame me for guilting her into coming home because of the child. I hung up the phone livid.

 

As the day progressed, she went from blaming me to blaming herself (appropriate) and is coming home tomorrow to be with him. She's texted me all day about how she's been missing me. I've stood tall, and told her that that's fine, but I'm in a place now where I'm prepared to move on. I told her I'm not against working on this, but it will require concessions from her and it will be on my terms. We'll talk more face to face tomorrow, so who knows. Her emotions lately as mine have changed with the wind.

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

Another Update:

 

MC scheduled for next week. W calls this morning to talk to son as usual, but out of the usual, wants to speak to me afterwards. Said that she is writing her Dear John letter/e-mail and will be sending it to MoM midnight new years eve/day. Several of her girlfriends are doing the same with issues in their lives. Signifying a fresh beginning. I'm going to ask that she blind copy me on the e-mail. Don't know if its a step in the right direction or just another ploy. We'll see.

 

I did find out that her trip yesterday was with a church group so that made me feel better. She said she had open discussions with several church women who had similar rocky times in their marriage and they all survived for the stronger. Said it was very therapeutic to hear.

 

Again, all fun and games until I see concrete actions and I'm not getting any hopes up and still moving myself towards what I need to do regardless.

[imagine]

The NC letter to MOM should first be checked by you.

 

You need to make sure that there is proper recognition for your marriage. Please check examples in the Notable forum of marriage builders.

 

I hope that you can speak to your wife without anger. This is a time for communication. Communicate your feelings about the affair- try not overwhelm her, so budget your time.

 

Take time to find out what her needs are, this is partly why she left you. The affair is most definitely her fault but meeting each others needs is a shared obligation.

 

Anyway, check with us about the NC letter!

[dprtman09]

Another Update:

 

MC scheduled for next week. W calls this morning to talk to son as usual, but out of the usual, wants to speak to me afterwards. Said that she is writing her Dear John letter/e-mail and will be sending it to MoM midnight new years eve/day. Several of her girlfriends are doing the same with issues in their lives. Signifying a fresh beginning. I'm going to ask that she blind copy me on the e-mail. Don't know if its a step in the right direction or just another ploy. We'll see.

 

I did find out that her trip yesterday was with a church group so that made me feel better. She said she had open discussions with several church women who had similar rocky times in their marriage and they all survived for the stronger. Said it was very therapeutic to hear.

 

Again, all fun and games until I see concrete actions and I'm not getting any hopes up and still moving myself towards what I need to do regardless.

 

I've had a thread going for a while, too. Contributors have been many and helpful. So, now it's my turn to try to help someone.

You must continue to monitor in any and all practical ways her activities. It is up to her to regain your trust and she must be willing to allow you access to anything you ask. If she continues to hide or be evasive or comes up with any new ploys, call her on them immediately. Believe me when I tell you they could happen. If she has friends that are discouraging her A, don't talk to them, that's her domain and it's to your advantage. If she has friends who are encouraging her to have an A, you have the right to demand that she ignore them. Whether she does or not is up to her, but you are not the beggar here, she needs to beg your tolerance and forgiveness and be willing to accept the terms of such. The only power you seem to percieve yourself to have here is over your actions and you are right. She is the only one right now with the power to straighten herself out. You can only continuously remind her of the right thing to do. You must be totally comfortable that YOU believe in the marriage, then proceed.

As far as the e-mail is concerned, My W claimed to have broken contact several times, but her friends and I needed to constantly remind her that she needed to close AND lock the door, don't leave the OM with a key. When I saw actual anger in her eyes regarding the OM's actions, I knew that she would finally cut him off IN MY PRESENCE. Then, it was over and the new beginning took place.

Your course is sensible and do-able. It is not the easy way out, but the possiblity of a stronger marriage in the long run is there. Just don't expect to stop hurting for a long time.

[dprtman09]

Sounds like you know where you are going with this, and you have your plans on how to get there----I would suggest one thing In/Re: No Contact---It needs to be done as a very short e-mail, or letter with you present while it is being sent or put in the mailbox----It does not need a reply. Do not allow her to have a conversation, to set NC in place, that just brings him fully back into her mind, and sets your process back.

 

I would still challenge her hard about leaving---if she is in love with you, and wants her kids, and her mge.---She doesn't need to go away to think about it. If she wants to R. this mge, she stays with her family in the family home and begins the work necessary to win herself back into the mge. Any other outcome is unacceptable.

 

jnj, I've seen you on my thread. Thanks. Challenge is the best word, here, and WCOM needs to be very aware of what you've said. He is fighting her fantasy, not the OM. Therefore, he needs to put her to the test RE: her motives. She is probably not ready to completely accept responsibility for what she's done. Challenging is one good way to get her there. Like my W's friend told her--she had to s**t or get off the pot. You are absolutely correct, from my experience, that conversation to end contact won't work. It's just a way for the cheater to feel better for a while until she comes up with another plan. It keeps the OM on board waiting for another opportunity. It's a mean game. In order to begin to "make up" for hiding, she has to be able to break contact in public. That's the first signal that she has owned her responsibility.