My Rambling Story

[dprtman09]

A mge is made up of 2 partners, not 3 partners, or another man waiting in the wings, and being thought about constantly by your wife. If you let your wife leave for a week, she is gonna reconnect with her AP, you had better know that going into your one week seperation.

 

Either your wife wants to be married and have a family or she doesn't. You need to set some STRONG boundaries, with consequences that you can/will follow thru on. She needs to show great remorse, be contrite, be completely transparent, and she needs to help you thru your pain and visions, also she needs to answer any questions you have about anything you wish to know about in re: the A. She needs to dump any friends, WHO WOULD NOT BE A FRIEND TO THE MGE., and she needs to put the OM OUT OF HER MIND. All of the above starts NOW. If she can't do the above there you cannot even think about R. the mge.

 

If she will not immediately commit to you, and the mge, and her kids, then tell her you are going to start paperwork toward a D. immediately. She needs to be kickstarted one way or the other. Make sure you cut off her credit cards, and take your 50% of all money that is yours and place it in a seperate account. These things get done NOW.

 

You set the rules, and you decide what is to be done, she either goes with it or gets out of the mge. She has had enuff time to play you---now it is your turn. Be strong.

 

Second paragraph--YOU GO, JNJ! It worked for me and, eventually, my W. WCOM, read jnj well. In this thread, he's a hard act to follow. Put the blame where it lies and the responsibility for fixing it will parcel itself out accordingly.

[dprtman09]

A mixed emotional day. For the past three nights, my 4 year old has crawled into my bed during the middle of the night, complaining of nightmares. This morning, I asked him what his nightmares were and he said they were of someone taking him away from his mommy and daddy. It crushed me to know that this is from his mom being gone so much. I texted (no response) and then called her this morning (breaking the NC) to see if she could change her schedule to come see him. She was already out of town with some business people and couldn't come. She then began to blame me for guilting her into coming home because of the child. I hung up the phone livid.

 

As the day progressed, she went from blaming me to blaming herself (appropriate) and is coming home tomorrow to be with him. She's texted me all day about how she's been missing me. I've stood tall, and told her that that's fine, but I'm in a place now where I'm prepared to move on. I told her I'm not against working on this, but it will require concessions from her and it will be on my terms. We'll talk more face to face tomorrow, so who knows. Her emotions lately as mine have changed with the wind.

 

You're early on in the process and the road is still ahead. There is no set time limit on how long it will take to heal no matter where the marriage goes. It's one h**l of a roller coaster, but if you're right, then you're not insane, just going through shock. All things must pass.

[seibert253]

OM MUST be out of your marriage, or it will never heal. I think you already know that, and by the way, you've been doing great. Keep it up.

 

Now, in respect to your wife, do not believe a word she says. Verify everything, with or without her help. You need a copy of the letter she sends, as well as proof she sent it. Period. It's easy for her to write some type of letter, then never send it. Happens all the time around here.

 

She comes home on YOUR terms, not hers. If she's not will to give 100% to your marriage, and taking the necessary steps to heal it, then you've got nothing. She will do it again if you conceed or allow her leaway.

 

When you have "the talk", you need to lay out specifics on what she, and you, need to do and maintain in order to R. Plain and simple, honey if you can't do A, B, and C, then I'm moving on to D.

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

I agree wholeheartedly. She agreed yesterday to Blind Copy me on the e-mail to OM. The only hesitancy I had was that when I requested that she do so she said she might have to rewrite it a little to not hurt me as much. I told her that I'm already hurt and nothing she could say to him would hurt me anymore. For her to lie in the letter would be more hurtful. We'll see how it turns out. She did agree to read the example letters at MB, so we'll see if some of that makes it into the letter.

 

As for last night, we ended up having dinner with our best neighbor friends. They had a $100 GC and wanted to treat us to dinner for xmas. Currently, they are unaware of the affair. Afterwards, my wife said she couldn't believe the change in me. That I was confident, proud, outgoing. I guess she expected me to be this crumbling mess. Sorry babe, I'm past that stage and moving on. She even said I gave her the feelings that the OM had given her, that emotional connection. I said 'that's nice' and moved on.

 

She's gone again today to finish the week of NC (yes I know we broke it last night for a couple of hours, but it was therapeutic for me to show her I'm not waiting around). As noted before, her GFs are all sending out their various e-mails at midnight, exercising their demons for the new year. I'm not waiting around for it. I'm going out myself to a club and enjoy bringing in the NY. I think that bothered her a little too. She wants me to 'meet her at the moon' and text her at midnight. We'll see if I feel like it or not.

[imagine]

I am puzzled. Do you really want to get back with your wife?

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

I am puzzled. Do you really want to get back with your wife?

 

What's puzzling? Please elaborate. I think I've made it clear that yes, I would like to reconcile, but only if I feel her efforts towards reconciliation are genuine.

[imagine]

Neglect is one of the major causes of divorce. Either you are together or not. You should also spell the route of access. Has this been done? She agrees and togetherness happens.

 

Ideally her communication should come via an intermediate. This guy would filter out the spam.

 

So far she has agreed to NC OM. Hopefully you will consult an MC. What are you still waiting for?

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

Neglect is one of the major causes of divorce. Either you are together or not. You should also spell the route of access. Has this been done? She agrees and togetherness happens.

 

Ideally her communication should come via an intermediate. This guy would filter out the spam.

 

So far she has agreed to NC OM. Hopefully you will consult an MC. What are you still waiting for?

 

Maybe I haven't communicated my intentions as well as I had thought.

 

We are in the middle of a week of NC, that we both agreed upon. It was an opportunity for me to get a hold of my emotions. It was an opportunity for her to realize how much she would miss me. I believe we have been successful on both counts. Before she left, I was in despair and everytime she looked at me, the sadness was evident. This served to push her away as who would want to be with someone that you cause sadness in. So, the time of NC has allowed me to focus on myself and I have felt 180 deg change. I no longer focus on the prospect of her not in my life and how sad that would be. I have actually come to terms with that possibility and I know that I will be OK because I am successful, attractive, and will be an excellent lover/husband in the next relationship. This confidence permeates my being and now translates everywhere. I dress better...I'm having more fun. I feel attractive to the opposite sex. And I notice the smiles and looks. Now, when she looks at me, she no longer sees the sadness.

 

For her, it has given her the opportunity to miss me. She thinks of me often now. Is saddened when she goes home alone each night. She is realizing what she has potentially destroyed. She has maintained that she loves me deeply, but she has suppressed that feeling of 'in love' for me. She now sees that awakening again.

 

I'm sure many here will chide me for going about it the wrong way, but for us, it appears to have been a major step forward. This time apart has awakened the desire to be together. As for neglect, I'm not sure there has been any. I'm only making my position crystal clear that I will not grovel, I will not beg and I will not coerce her into reconciliation. She has to be ready to reconcile in her heart and mind, 100%. Only then, are we truly 'together' and ready to move forward.

 

As for your other questions, MC is scheduled for next Tuesday (the earliest opening they had). We are both committed to attending. Tonight she is sending her e-mail w/ me copied of NC. She has already maintained NC for three weeks save one time he texted her because she had food poisoning and inquired about her health. She responded, "I'm fine" and that was it. He texted back and she ignored it. And she revealed this contact to me immediately. I verified it through phone records and it was exactly as she said.

 

The only steps now are she will return home Sunday for good. This will signify our new beginning. She has agreed to giving up her other cell phone and she has disclosed to me her e-mail accounts. She deleted all messages to/from him and felt cathartic doing so. I will insist on access to her passwords too. Beyond that, I'm not sure what more to ask for. She understands that we have a long road ahead to rebuilding trust. We will attend MC and her possibly IC to discover more why she did this.

 

Lastly, I know this is only a first small step on a long and difficult journey. I have no illusions that there won't be setbacks along the way and that ultimately we may both decide to part ways. Given that we have always been each other's best friend, and always shared a deep love, I'm hopeful but not ignorant. I know many will question how she could have done something so betraying to a friend and lover, and I still question it. It is one of my hurdles to understand and hopefully MC will help.

 

For now, that's the plan and I'm always open to suggestion and criticism. I would not be in the good place that I am now without everyone's help and insight here. For that, I'm eternally thankful.

[seibert253]

Maybe I haven't communicated my intentions as well as I had thought.

 

We are in the middle of a week of NC, that we both agreed upon. It was an opportunity for me to get a hold of my emotions. It was an opportunity for her to realize how much she would miss me. I believe we have been successful on both counts. Before she left, I was in despair and everytime she looked at me, the sadness was evident. This served to push her away as who would want to be with someone that you cause sadness in. So, the time of NC has allowed me to focus on myself and I have felt 180 deg change. I no longer focus on the prospect of her not in my life and how sad that would be. I have actually come to terms with that possibility and I know that I will be OK because I am successful, attractive, and will be an excellent lover/husband in the next relationship. This confidence permeates my being and now translates everywhere. I dress better...I'm having more fun. I feel attractive to the opposite sex. And I notice the smiles and looks. Now, when she looks at me, she no longer sees the sadness.

 

For her, it has given her the opportunity to miss me. She thinks of me often now. Is saddened when she goes home alone each night. She is realizing what she has potentially destroyed. She has maintained that she loves me deeply, but she has suppressed that feeling of 'in love' for me. She now sees that awakening again.

 

I'm sure many here will chide me for going about it the wrong way, but for us, it appears to have been a major step forward. This time apart has awakened the desire to be together. As for neglect, I'm not sure there has been any. I'm only making my position crystal clear that I will not grovel, I will not beg and I will not coerce her into reconciliation. She has to be ready to reconcile in her heart and mind, 100%. Only then, are we truly 'together' and ready to move forward.

 

As for your other questions, MC is scheduled for next Tuesday (the earliest opening they had). We are both committed to attending. Tonight she is sending her e-mail w/ me copied of NC. She has already maintained NC for three weeks save one time he texted her because she had food poisoning and inquired about her health. She responded, "I'm fine" and that was it. He texted back and she ignored it. And she revealed this contact to me immediately. I verified it through phone records and it was exactly as she said.

 

The only steps now are she will return home Sunday for good. This will signify our new beginning. She has agreed to giving up her other cell phone and she has disclosed to me her e-mail accounts. She deleted all messages to/from him and felt cathartic doing so. I will insist on access to her passwords too. Beyond that, I'm not sure what more to ask for. She understands that we have a long road ahead to rebuilding trust. We will attend MC and her possibly IC to discover more why she did this.

 

Lastly, I know this is only a first small step on a long and difficult journey. I have no illusions that there won't be setbacks along the way and that ultimately we may both decide to part ways. Given that we have always been each other's best friend, and always shared a deep love, I'm hopeful but not ignorant. I know many will question how she could have done something so betraying to a friend and lover, and I still question it. It is one of my hurdles to understand and hopefully MC will help.

 

For now, that's the plan and I'm always open to suggestion and criticism. I would not be in the good place that I am now without everyone's help and insight here. For that, I'm eternally thankful.

 

Wow.

You've done a great job.

If your wife stays committed, I think you'll be OK.

Stay vigilent. Verify and stay in investigative mode. If she does right, trust will return and your marriage will prosper.

 

Peace, and Good Luck

[imagine]

 

I'm sure many here will chide me for going about it the wrong way, but for us, it appears to have been a major step forward. This time apart has awakened the desire to be together. As for neglect, I'm not sure there has been any. I'm only making my position crystal clear that I will not grovel, I will not beg and I will not coerce her into reconciliation. She has to be ready to reconcile in her heart and mind, 100%. Only then, are we truly 'together' and ready to move forward.

 

As for your other questions, MC is scheduled for next Tuesday (the earliest opening they had). We are both committed to attending. Tonight she is sending her e-mail w/ me copied of NC. She has already maintained NC for three weeks save one time he texted her because she had food poisoning and inquired about her health. She responded, "I'm fine" and that was it. He texted back and she ignored it. And she revealed this contact to me immediately. I verified it through phone records and it was exactly as she said.

 

Lastly, I know this is only a first small step on a long and difficult journey. I have no illusions that there won't be setbacks along the way and that ultimately we may both decide to part ways. Given that we have always been each other's best friend, and always shared a deep love, I'm hopeful but not ignorant. I know many will question how she could have done something so betraying to a friend and lover, and I still question it. It is one of my hurdles to understand and hopefully MC will help.

 

 

Apologies. I needed to recap the history.

 

You have a solid plan. The NC with her was clearly established and it is apparent that you have recovered yourself.

 

It is tragic that she left you in you time of need. As you both grow older you will come to realize that you need to support each other more and more.

 

One more thing: What consequence is there to her cheating. Tighter control -yes- but you have to do all the work. Her reputation is untarnished and you carry the burden of control freak.

 

My thought is that she write a letter of apology describing her indiscretions. It would protect you in a court of law should you need to fight for custody. She needs to know that if she wanders off with her party friends that this document can be used against her.

 

God Bless and happy new year from South Africa!

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

Okay, things are happening fast, and I'm not sure what to do...

 

No letter as originally planned last night at midnight. Get a text this morning that it was a horrible bad night, sorry the letter wasn't sent yet, that it would be coming soon, followed by I love you. I'm a little peeved so I don't respond. Three minutes later she is calling:

 

She's terribly upset and sounds like she got no sleep. I asked her about the letter and she said she's going to rewrite it today when she gets away from all the influences. I know that her original letter was soft on the OM, so now I'm wondering if she's going full bore on him. I'm guessing one of several things happened last night (remember, she was with her G/Fs who were all casting out their demons with letters...one of the G/Fs happens to be the wife of the OM...she's the only one aware of the affair currently).

 

A) The OMs wife got drunk and spilled the beans to all her friends and exposed the affair, humiliating my W.

 

B) the OM tried to come over/contact her and things turned ugly, him possibly rejecting her or exposing the affair also.

 

C) the OM tried to beg her to come back and wouldn't take no for an answer.

 

I'm thinking 'B' but who knows. I know that she left and went back up to our other house and that's where she is this morning. Lastly, the plan was continued NC until Sunday. She texted that she wants to come home today where she belongs.

 

Not sure where to turn or what to do now. Giving that we are working towards reconciliation, do I let her come home today, or tell her to stay as planned until Sunday. We go to MC on Tuesday. My concern is that if B happened and she's feeling rejected, I don't want her coming home out of helplessness and feeling she has nowhere to turn.

 

Thoughts my friends?

Edited January 1, 2010 by WifeCheatedOnMe

[allhopelost]

 

Not sure where to turn or what to do now. Giving that we are working towards reconciliation, do I let her come home today, or tell her to stay as planned until Sunday. We go to MC on Tuesday. My concern is that if B happened and she's feeling rejected, I don't want her coming home out of helplessness and feeling she has nowhere to turn.

 

Thoughts my friends?

My feelings are that there is no sure-fire playbook in dealing with these things. I liken it to the people who tell you how to take care of a baby, i.e. feed on schedule, don't over-feed, no solid food until 12 months (even though poor thing is starving and hungry every hour), etc., etc..

You know your situation better than anybody on here and as good as your instincts seem to be thus far, I would continue to follow them.

The humiliation of exposure can be devastating to both of you. And realistically, to whom do you want to turn to to deal with it?

[imagine]

Wifecheated,

 

You are doing a plan B (check MB). It is not perfectly executed please read the article at Marriage Builders. The idea of a Plan B is to do what you have done -regain yourself and your confidence.

 

The downside is that there must be no interference to the NC and this telephone discussion is most definite interference. This is why you have an intermediary. So far this interaction is needling your composure.

 

Plan B is always preceded by a Plan A, though as you can see plan B is working for you so far. Plan A is about exposure AND meeting your wife's emotional needs.

 

My advice is that the requirements that you originally set out for your wife must be met. There must be no half-hearted measure when you get back. This will put strain on you. All or nothing there can be no in between and WW must understand this concept.

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

Huh....Didn't even realize I was on a plan

 

Already did Plan A for 3 weeks, save the exposure. Exposed to us, the OM and the W of the OM, but no family yet.

 

Plan B has worked wonders for the brief week that we are on it. Something happened last night tho that flipped a switch in her. Getting all kinds of texts that she wants to be the best wife that she can be, that she hopes I still love her, that she wants to put our family first. I told her to stay alone at least until tomorrow, collect her thoughts about whatever transpired last night, and we'll talk tomorrow about the recovery plan and if she is still ready to come home. I don't know what happened yet, but it was quite the catalyst. Far beyond just spending NYE apart.

 

I've been writing down in my journal the 'road to recovery' about what I think needs to take place:

 

Send Letter of NC

Sever all contact with OM for LIFE (going on 3 weeks now and she's had one e-mail and one text)

Sever all contact with W of OM

Any accidental contact immediately notify H and tell OM of that

Return alternate cell phone and revert back to our family plan

Change/Expose e-mail passwords

Agree to transparency and open communication about daily schedules

Concentrate on rebuilding our relationships with our married friends and reduce the time spent with single/destructive friends

Spend 15+ hours each week of alone time together

Openness to answer any/all ?'s about A without hostility or deception

Attend MC

 

I still have lots of unanswered concerns, but I've come to realize that you can't plan for all contingencies or know all the answers before getting started. At some point you have to sh** or get off the pot and start living your life again. And I know there is still undiscovered pain to come. I found one yesterday, looking in an old e-mail account she rarely uses. In her sent folder, there was one message to him where she was forwarding a phone # of a mutual friend and her message was 'here you go sexy'. It cut like a knife for some reason, even tho logically I know she's said that often to him and far more during their time together. But to see it in black and white was painful. At least it was during the time that she admitted to the A and not some other lie to confront. But what's really funny is that the guy is far from sexy (short and unattractive) and she even admitted as much to me. The things we do to hold onto our emotional addiction.

[Darth Vader]

Thank you for your post. I'm fully aware that she could use the week of NC to reconnect. And honestly that's okay. It would at least reaffirm the direction I need to take. Once I make a decision I go 110% with no looking back and if it takes letting her go to him to solidify that decision so be it. I'm hoping that she doesn't and she realizes how much she misses me and the family and is ready to come back committed to rebuilding our relationship. Either way, I'll know what to do.

 

As for the money, I was smart from my first marriage. I've kept separate accounts for everything, only having added her as a 'user'. At any time, I can revoke those privileges and she has no access. I'm keeping a vigilant watch over all activity and if anything is out of the norm, in a moment's notice everything can be seized. Fortunately, the bulk of the assets are our homes (2) and several retirement funds that she has no access to (premarital). Only our checking (non-joint) and our CC (also non-joint) does she really have free access to.

 

Finally, for the rules, when we discuss the terms of our reconciliation, I have several planned, and have already gotten tentative agreement from her towards doing them. She understands that:

 

She will give up her other cell phone and revert solely back to our family plan which I can monitor

She will divulge all e-mail account passwords

She will pull away from her small circle of single friends who aren't conducive to positive attitudes toward marriage

We will attend MC

She will cut off any/all contact with the MOM, preferably with me overhearing the conversation

She will cancel her personal CC (already done)

 

If she can't commit to these, then I have little hope we can move forward. I don't want to imprison her, but she will need to understand that she needs to be as transparent and open as possible to rebuild the lost trust.

 

 

If the OM is married, have you contacted his wife, she needs to know what lover boy's been up to!

 

Have you gotten checked for STD's?

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

If the OM is married, have you contacted his wife, she needs to know what lover boy's been up to!

 

Have you gotten checked for STD's?

 

Wife knew all along. If you read back in the thread you'll see that it actually started as a friendship between my wife and his wife. She turned lesbian about 6 years ago, and they've been living a lie since. She in a sense condoned the affair and is why no contact with the W of OM will be required as well. It was a fu** up situation all around and perfect cover because she was going over there under the pretense of visiting her friend.

 

I will get checked for STD, yes.

[Darth Vader]

Okay, things are happening fast, and I'm not sure what to do...

 

No letter as originally planned last night at midnight. Get a text this morning that it was a horrible bad night, sorry the letter wasn't sent yet, that it would be coming soon, followed by I love you. I'm a little peeved so I don't respond. Three minutes later she is calling:

 

She's terribly upset and sounds like she got no sleep. I asked her about the letter and she said she's going to rewrite it today when she gets away from all the influences. I know that her original letter was soft on the OM, so now I'm wondering if she's going full bore on him. I'm guessing one of several things happened last night (remember, she was with her G/Fs who were all casting out their demons with letters...one of the G/Fs happens to be the wife of the OM...she's the only one aware of the affair currently).

 

A) The OMs wife got drunk and spilled the beans to all her friends and exposed the affair, humiliating my W.

 

B) the OM tried to come over/contact her and things turned ugly, him possibly rejecting her or exposing the affair also.

 

C) the OM tried to beg her to come back and wouldn't take no for an answer.

 

I'm thinking 'B' but who knows. I know that she left and went back up to our other house and that's where she is this morning. Lastly, the plan was continued NC until Sunday. She texted that she wants to come home today where she belongs.

 

Not sure where to turn or what to do now. Giving that we are working towards reconciliation, do I let her come home today, or tell her to stay as planned until Sunday. We go to MC on Tuesday. My concern is that if B happened and she's feeling rejected, I don't want her coming home out of helplessness and feeling she has nowhere to turn.

 

Thoughts my friends?

 

 

It could be D) She may have slept with OM again.

[Darth Vader]

Wife knew all along. If you read back in the thread you'll see that it actually started as a friendship between my wife and his wife. She turned lesbian about 6 years ago, and they've been living a lie since. She in a sense condoned the affair and is why no contact with the W of OM will be required as well. It was a fu** up situation all around and perfect cover because she was going over there under the pretense of visiting her friend.

 

I will get checked for STD, yes.

 

 

Screwed up, yes! Apparently she was visiting more than a friend.

 

It's a wonder you found out at all.

 

 

I think I see where you're going with this, you're wanting your wife to do the work, at least what she has to do to save the marriage. You realize this is rare, right?

 

Have you hit the anger or indifference stage yet?

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

It could be D) She may have slept with OM again.

 

Doubtful, but not impossible. I'm learning nothings impossible or beyond imagination.

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

 

I think I see where you're going with this, you're wanting your wife to do the work, at least what she has to do to save the marriage. You realize this is rare, right?

 

Have you hit the anger or indifference stage yet?

 

Rare to request, or rare for her to achieve? Definitely been through the indifference stage. Anger, here and there, but not prolonged. I've mostly been indifferent this entire week. I was prepared to separate permanently, have the lawyer and finances in place, and was ready to show her the door. If I were a betting man, I'd had put reconciliation at <10% earlier this week. Now, maybe a 40/60 proposition.

[Darth Vader]

Rare to request, or rare for her to achieve? Definitely been through the indifference stage. Anger, here and there, but not prolonged. I've mostly been indifferent this entire week. I was prepared to separate permanently, have the lawyer and finances in place, and was ready to show her the door. If I were a betting man, I'd had put reconciliation at <10% earlier this week. Now, maybe a 40/60 proposition.

 

 

Rare to request, or rare for her to achieve?

 

Both.

 

Usually when a person hits the indifference stage, the marrige is over.

[Darth Vader]

Doubtful, but not impossible. I'm learning nothings impossible or beyond imagination.

 

 

That's true.

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

Both.

 

Usually when a person hits the indifference stage, the marrige is over.

 

Good thing we aren't dealing in absolutes

[Darth Vader]

Good thing we aren't dealing in absolutes

 

 

That's the Dark Side! Certainly I would know!:lmao:

[jnj express]

Hey wife cheated----1st happy new year----OK--You might as well call off your MC--it will be a waste of your money----You can't start counseling unless both parties are committed fully to R.---Your wife is vascillating, and still playing games with you----NC means NC, and it starts now when YOU WANT IT STARTED--not when she decides to get around to it.

 

What is she doing with all these women who are going thru A's, and especially with the wife of her AP. This is all contact detrimental to your mge. You can't control what she does, you can only control what you do, but your actions and reactions to and about her, need to be based on what she does, and right now she is still in her affair. She is refusing to drop contact--plain and simple.

 

One other thing---if you ever do put this back together----remember one thing---if your wife percieves you as handling this situation softly---she will cheat on you again in the future--knowing how you let it slide on by so easily this time----you MUST be HARDNOSED about everything. She has to know she has committed what is akin to murdering her mge.---murderers usually do hard time. I am sorry but that is the way this has to be, or she will do this to you again in the future. be strong.