My Rambling Story

[jnj express]

Hey wifecheated----Contact is contact---you are still in a 3some----why hasn't she changed her e-mail address, why hasn't she changed her cellphone #, or her land line #---how was it OM knew where and when to find her at gym, and wal-mart---either she is still contacting him, or he is stalking her----

 

You need to stop the lovey-dovey till all contact of any kind ends. He can't contact her if nothing is available to him----If both of you, (especially your W) want this R. then IT HAS TO BE OUT OF SIGHT OUT OF MIND---and that includes computer, and phones. Stop pussyfooting about this, and put some boundaries down that have deal breaker consequences, that YOU WILL FOLLOW THRU WITH.

 

Either she wants this mge. or she doesn't you need to start a 180, and let her know what life might be like w/out your constant backing and support. Give her a taste of life on her own, see how she likes it, maybe then once and for all contact will end.

[dprtman09]

And so the roller coaster continues....

 

She admitted last night that she's had two more instances of contact in the past two weeks. 15 minutes at her Gym and at Walmart. He came to her Gym and met her in the lobby to tell her that he understands she is working on her M and that he fully supports that...WTF? The contact at Walmart was more benign, but at this point, I don't know what to believe anymore. I'm so very confused.

 

I was very hurt but kept my emotions in tact and my cool the best I could. I began to discuss D with her because I cannot continue to tolerate the lies and deceptions. She says she absolutely does not want to D that she wants us to be together forever. She says that she still loves me very much, but that she feels like she's having an out of body experience and that it's not her doing these things. She tried to justify the contact saying that he contacted her not the other way around so in her mind it wasn't breaking her NC. So much fog and babble.

 

I do believe strongly that at this point, she is in withdrawal from the EA. But how long do I wait? She knows that this contact is the one thing preventing full recovery at this point, and she mentioned that she's going to tell him that. This past week we felt so close to breaking through. We were enjoying each other's company and I could honestly feel her fog lifting. But now, I feel foolish for believing anything from her. I do want to reconcile, but how much of myself do I lose in the process? Honesty is above all the most important thing to me. I would not have been so upset had she immediately come to me and told me OM showed up at her Gym.

 

I'm thinking of canceling MC at this point. I don't see the use until she firmly establishes NC. I do think she needs IC more than MC right now and she wants to find one. My concern there is she gets some loon that 'validates' her feelings and actions instead of getting to the root cause of her behavior.

 

Help me

 

You have restored my faith in my sanity. I cannot tell you how close this is to my experiences! Every denial of responsibility and event of not telling you things is perfectly normal. It took my W 8 months to own up completely. It took her longer to accomplish complete NC.

 

The problem with couselors is this: No one wants a couselor that doesn't validate their feelings. She needs to want to get to root causes for it to happen with or without a counselor. My W had issues long before the A, but refused her counselor's suggestion that I be brought in at the time. It may have prevented the A, but she "didn't want to hurt me". Yeah, right!

 

One really important question: Why in the name of God would she have to tell him that contact is holding up recovery?!?!?

A. It's none of his d**n business.

B. He already knows that and either wants it to happen or doesn't care.

There is NO good contact between the two of them. If he is involved in your marriage at all, it is his power over you. Is that what you want?

 

Don't be surprised that you feel foolish. It's normal. The way to overcome it is this: Be honest with her and with yourself. You are the only one you can control. It's that simple. You won't make a fool of yourself.

 

Keeping your cool at this point is wise, but don't be afraid to "go off" if the spirit moves you. This is an emotional issue and the more properly shown emotion you show, the more she may realize that you are fighting for her and not him. This means a lot to a woman.

 

Follow your first instincts. When logic fails, this will most often serve you best.

 

Right now, she probably feels as though she's wronging the OM. I know that sounds stupid to you, it did to me, too. But, women attach differently than men. The problem with her establishing NC is that she has yet to remove the "back door". She is probably letting him have the last word and that gives him the impression that he should hang around until the door is opened again.

 

My W kept letting the OM tell her that he'd "wait for her" and never really removing the door. When she finally said "f**k off", that about did it.

 

Remember this: She's testing you, too. She will wait to see if you really are committed to forgiving, not forgetting the A. Be true to yourself either way. Then you won't think you're crazy

[dprtman09]

And so the roller coaster continues....

 

She admitted last night that she's had two more instances of contact in the past two weeks. 15 minutes at her Gym and at Walmart. He came to her Gym and met her in the lobby to tell her that he understands she is working on her M and that he fully supports that...WTF? The contact at Walmart was more benign, but at this point, I don't know what to believe anymore. I'm so very confused.

 

I was very hurt but kept my emotions in tact and my cool the best I could. I began to discuss D with her because I cannot continue to tolerate the lies and deceptions. She says she absolutely does not want to D that she wants us to be together forever. She says that she still loves me very much, but that she feels like she's having an out of body experience and that it's not her doing these things. She tried to justify the contact saying that he contacted her not the other way around so in her mind it wasn't breaking her NC. So much fog and babble.

 

I do believe strongly that at this point, she is in withdrawal from the EA. But how long do I wait? She knows that this contact is the one thing preventing full recovery at this point, and she mentioned that she's going to tell him that. This past week we felt so close to breaking through. We were enjoying each other's company and I could honestly feel her fog lifting. But now, I feel foolish for believing anything from her. I do want to reconcile, but how much of myself do I lose in the process? Honesty is above all the most important thing to me. I would not have been so upset had she immediately come to me and told me OM showed up at her Gym.

 

I'm thinking of canceling MC at this point. I don't see the use until she firmly establishes NC. I do think she needs IC more than MC right now and she wants to find one. My concern there is she gets some loon that 'validates' her feelings and actions instead of getting to the root cause of her behavior.

 

Help me

 

Hey wifecheated----Contact is contact---you are still in a 3some----why hasn't she changed her e-mail address, why hasn't she changed her cellphone #, or her land line #---how was it OM knew where and when to find her at gym, and wal-mart---either she is still contacting him, or he is stalking her----

 

You need to stop the lovey-dovey till all contact of any kind ends. He can't contact her if nothing is available to him----If both of you, (especially your W) want this R. then IT HAS TO BE OUT OF SIGHT OUT OF MIND---and that includes computer, and phones. Stop pussyfooting about this, and put some boundaries down that have deal breaker consequences, that YOU WILL FOLLOW THRU WITH.

 

Either she wants this mge. or she doesn't you need to start a 180, and let her know what life might be like w/out your constant backing and support. Give her a taste of life on her own, see how she likes it, maybe then once and for all contact will end.

 

jnj, right again! You helped me and you're helping wcom. A couple of suggestions though:

If she changes all of her contact methods, it will be harder for wcom to follow. What he needs to do is search for hidden methods of contact, which I have no doubt she has established. Once he finds them, he needs to confront her and make her open them up. Then, she should close them in front of him or let him do it.

 

Rules must be set by wcom that clearly state what she needs to do to regain any trust at all.

 

I read "stop the lovey-dovey" as don't apologize for restraining her or checking up on her. She bought the farm and that includes cleaning up the s**t.

 

Unfortunately, it may be a while before she completely stops contact. It's wrong, but as I pointed out to wcom, she has yet to own up to what she's done. She has to accept the fact that she has complete power over the ending of the A. She still wants to blame someone else for her unfaithful behavior, both to her H AND to the OM (there's food for thought!).

[jnj express]

Hey dpman---I agree with you----as to lovey--dovey---I also think WCOM, should also stop physical contact with his wife---hugging, holding hands etc. she still has OM on her mind----Wcom is getting played and he is allowing it to happen----what do you think??????

[dprtman09]

Hey dpman---I agree with you----as to lovey--dovey---I also think WCOM, should also stop physical contact with his wife---hugging, holding hands etc. she still has OM on her mind----Wcom is getting played and he is allowing it to happen----what do you think??????

 

You've made me think! This may ramble a bit, but here goes. Since the WS has had a PA as well as an EA, cutting off physical contact MAY drive her back to the OM. She may be keeping the OM on the back burner just to see what wcom will do to save the M (if he'll "fight for her"). She's actually playing both men and if that is brought to her attention and she recognizes it, she'll have to make a choice unless she has no conscience. The advantage that wcom has is that he does not have to validate his W's feelings, but the OM does. WCOM doesn't have to be phony, but the OM does. The problem is that the WS has to figure out which feelings need to be validated and which ones are invalid. WCOM's feelings need to be validated and hers (for the OM) are invalid. WCOM has to carefully determine who his W really is and of she is capable of being the woman he married, not the woman who is cheating and lieing. She can play her games, but wcom can always judge her actions if he can get objective at the right times. This may sound strange but, if wcom wants to be played, he can be, as long as he knows it's happening.

 

There will be more on this--I'm still thinking.

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

dprtman,

 

You hit the nail on the head with how I've been feeling and I guess in some part handling this mess. Over the past few weeks I have learned so much more about the A, and much of it actually good. The PA was one event and thankfully I discovered the A 3 days later. The PA was also uncomfortable for her and only a means at the time to keep him from leaving. So, the EA has been a much stronger pull than the PA for her. Doesn't make it right or better in that sense, because I've seen in my own experience that the EA is MUCH harder to get over for the WS.

 

Anyway, we've made some good progress over the past two weeks:

 

She's opening up more and more of her world to me (passwords, phones, etc.). It's been a process and certainly on her own timeline, not mine, but it is happening. Last night and this morning, two texts came into her phone and she immediately told me who they were, what they were, etc.

 

She has all but cutoff contact to the OM. Only an occasional phone call/text that he initiates. He's been out of state for two weeks now and that really has helped her turn the corner, realizing just how fake the whole thing was. She's admitted that to me several times now, that she sees the folly in that relationship and understands that the feelings were from the euphoria of the newness and the secrecy. I know everyone else here screams NO CONTACT or D, but the gradual diminshing seems to have finally worked. Was I being played during this process? Yes and No. Yes in the sense that she was weaning herself instead of going cold turkey. No in the sense it was above board and I knew of every contact.

 

I was out of town myself for a few days and when I came back she said it is time. Time for what? To cut it off completely with OM. She says she no longer has those feelings, that only he is trying to hang on. I mentioned the NC letter needs to be done now and she agreed. We'll see, stay tuned.

 

She's starting IC to get to the root of her issues. A good sign, IMO.

 

Yesterday, she says out of the blue, you are a great man and I love you very much. I'm so sorry for the pain I've caused you. I can't imagine not having you in my life. THAT was nice to hear.

 

Soooo.....That's where I'm at. I have not handled it by the book as most here would agree, and I'm sure many probably still think I'm a fool for some of my decisions. But at this point, I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's still a million miles away, but it is there. We both recognize we have lots of work to do together and we are not safe yet. But I feel better today than 8 weeks ago, that's for certain, and I owe ALOT to all the kind souls here who have directed me along the way.

[dprtman09]

dprtman,

 

You hit the nail on the head with how I've been feeling and I guess in some part handling this mess. Over the past few weeks I have learned so much more about the A, and much of it actually good. The PA was one event and thankfully I discovered the A 3 days later. The PA was also uncomfortable for her and only a means at the time to keep him from leaving. So, the EA has been a much stronger pull than the PA for her. Doesn't make it right or better in that sense, because I've seen in my own experience that the EA is MUCH harder to get over for the WS.

 

Anyway, we've made some good progress over the past two weeks:

 

She's opening up more and more of her world to me (passwords, phones, etc.). It's been a process and certainly on her own timeline, not mine, but it is happening. Last night and this morning, two texts came into her phone and she immediately told me who they were, what they were, etc.

 

She has all but cutoff contact to the OM. Only an occasional phone call/text that he initiates. He's been out of state for two weeks now and that really has helped her turn the corner, realizing just how fake the whole thing was. She's admitted that to me several times now, that she sees the folly in that relationship and understands that the feelings were from the euphoria of the newness and the secrecy. I know everyone else here screams NO CONTACT or D, but the gradual diminshing seems to have finally worked. Was I being played during this process? Yes and No. Yes in the sense that she was weaning herself instead of going cold turkey. No in the sense it was above board and I knew of every contact.

 

I was out of town myself for a few days and when I came back she said it is time. Time for what? To cut it off completely with OM. She says she no longer has those feelings, that only he is trying to hang on. I mentioned the NC letter needs to be done now and she agreed. We'll see, stay tuned.

 

She's starting IC to get to the root of her issues. A good sign, IMO.

 

Yesterday, she says out of the blue, you are a great man and I love you very much. I'm so sorry for the pain I've caused you. I can't imagine not having you in my life. THAT was nice to hear.

 

Soooo.....That's where I'm at. I have not handled it by the book as most here would agree, and I'm sure many probably still think I'm a fool for some of my decisions. But at this point, I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's still a million miles away, but it is there. We both recognize we have lots of work to do together and we are not safe yet. But I feel better today than 8 weeks ago, that's for certain, and I owe ALOT to all the kind souls here who have directed me along the way.

 

I now believe in parallel universes.

 

First, you are absolutely right about the EA being harder to shake than the PA. My W didn't have intercourse with the OM because she was uncomfortable about the way he approached her physically in the first place. Also, she knew that if she had gone to bed, it would have made it very difficult for her to break off the A. She will not committ physically to just anyone. That being said, the EA was still a b***h to get rid of.

 

It won't wear off overnight, you know this. There will be contact. The fact that it will be one-way is important as long as it remains that way. If she wants to talk back to the OM, it should be jointly decided with you as to what she says. That way, you get your 2 cents worth in without having to talk to him yourself. Believe me, you won't get anything out of him and that will only make you angry at someone you can't take it out on. You could jointly sign a message or two to him letting him know, for example, the damage he allowed to happen, or the fact that he is no longer to be a part of your lives. See if he replies. That may turn out to be interesting.

 

You have to vent a lot of anger yet. Just make sure it is in the right place. Being angry with her may no longer be appropriate, unless she rekindles the A. Being angry with him will get you nowhere. Be angry that this all occurred and set your goals to make it history.

 

When she's truly comfortable with hearing how you feel or felt and willing to apologize and validate your feelings, progress has been made. When she realizes that the OM had nothing more to offer than you do, She'll let you know by starting to denegrate the OM. It will be her way of justifying breaking up with him. She has to do that to break the spell of the EA. It doesn't mean that your any less important, it just means that she'll realize that she played both of you and has to reconcile that in her mind.

 

Finally, as long as your safe from the OM, you're safe to turn your attention to your life together. The OM's life is insignificant and will continue with of without the two of you. He knows that. He had nothing to lose to begin with. When all is said and done, you will be safe in your marriage after a long period of getting both of your feelings out in the open without any dispute as to your individual rights to have them.

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

 

When she's truly comfortable with hearing how you feel or felt and willing to apologize and validate your feelings, progress has been made. When she realizes that the OM had nothing more to offer than you do, She'll let you know by starting to denegrate the OM. It will be her way of justifying breaking up with him. She has to do that to break the spell of the EA. It doesn't mean that your any less important, it just means that she'll realize that she played both of you and has to reconcile that in her mind.

 

 

It's as if you are writing our script....Just this week that's starting to happen. She made the comment that the OM on the outside appears to be the perfect man in the circle of friends that he hangs out with, but that if only everyone knew the behind the scenes. That he's extremely needy, that he has tons of emotional baggage, that he's financially irresponsible, etc. It's as if she's starting to pick him apart and she's doing it visibly to me. I thought at first it was trying to make me feel better, but it's coming out as part of normal conversations, not in the context of when I'm needing any emotional lift. Quite the contrary, for the past 3 weeks or so, I'm no longer needing her to lift me emotionally. I'm doing that myself and I think she's seeing that and appreciates the confidence that I exude.

 

Oh, and another strange event....She had told me that he was gone out of state this past weekend. In fact she told me that a girl friend of his W let her know that the W was flying down unexpectedly to see him on V day. Well, I found out that he and his W were actually in town. When I told her that, she was visibly taken aback that she was lied to by him. Here, I thought that she had lied to me, but it turns out the OM had lied to her. I'm hoping that was another nail in the EA coffin.

[Chrome Barracuda]

If she's still continuing the EA, there is no marriage! she will never go through withdrawl. She will never regain that sense of love within your marriage because the OM will be there, somewhere like a damn ghost.

 

EA, PA, = No marriage.

 

Simple as that!

[dprtman09]

If she's still continuing the EA, there is no marriage! she will never go through withdrawl. She will never regain that sense of love within your marriage because the OM will be there, somewhere like a damn ghost.

 

EA, PA, = No marriage.

 

Simple as that!

 

Now, come on, Chrome B, you were on my thread and you said that I should be "mad as hell". However, you also said that I was allowed to try to put my marriage back together. I admired that in your post.

 

You are right. By the way, you still make a good entrance. The OM will always be a ghost. WCOM could, then, easily consider him a "dead man walking" insofar as his effect on the marriage in the future. Of course, that is up to his W to make sure that she no longer lets the dead interfere.

[dprtman09]

It's as if you are writing our script....Just this week that's starting to happen. She made the comment that the OM on the outside appears to be the perfect man in the circle of friends that he hangs out with, but that if only everyone knew the behind the scenes. That he's extremely needy, that he has tons of emotional baggage, that he's financially irresponsible, etc. It's as if she's starting to pick him apart and she's doing it visibly to me. I thought at first it was trying to make me feel better, but it's coming out as part of normal conversations, not in the context of when I'm needing any emotional lift. Quite the contrary, for the past 3 weeks or so, I'm no longer needing her to lift me emotionally. I'm doing that myself and I think she's seeing that and appreciates the confidence that I exude.

 

AT THIS POINT, THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEED TO DO. BE TRUE TO YOURSELF FIRST, AND YOU'LL BE REAL TO OTHERS!

 

Oh, and another strange event....She had told me that he was gone out of state this past weekend. In fact she told me that a girl friend of his W let her know that the W was flying down unexpectedly to see him on V day. Well, I found out that he and his W were actually in town. When I told her that, she was visibly taken aback that she was lied to by him. Here, I thought that she had lied to me, but it turns out the OM had lied to her. I'm hoping that was another nail in the EA coffin.

 

Mr. Barracuda will make you think. Caution--it is great that you feel the way you do, but beware of mood swings. You had the same reaction I did when my W started to pick apart the OM. The outcome was as I described. She had to break herself of him. I could not do that for her. Good for you! You're not trying to control what you can't control. Don't encourage her to pick him apart. Just ask her, if appropriate, "did I ever act like that?", or, "did I ever do that?" If I'm reading this right, she'll then be encouraged to talk you up because she won't be forced to. If that happens, you're on the right track. One thing i've learned--never demand, just ask questions.

 

I would want to know how she was told by him that he was going out of town. The rest of the story is immaterial. The point is, she had contact.

Why? It is interesting that you found yourself in the position of having to burst her bubble regarding whether he would lie to her or not. Just a small red flag. Just make sure she doesn't defend him. Don't push too hard, or she might. You said yourself that you're not safe yet. You're right.

[jnj express]

I am still bothered by the continual talk of and about the OM.---He is still there!!!!!!---This has got to go OUT OF SITE, OUT OF MIND. ''As long as there is contact even if it is only from the OM, still trying to pursue, and looking for an opening, or the 2 of you talking to others about OM, or wife who is now putting him down with every sentence----HE IS STILL THERE.

 

You need to get rid of him, once and for all. Should the 2 of you have a bad day for some reason, and all mge's do---and OM happens to try to contact or someone brings him up, your wife in weakness may re-initiate contact. The only way to have any real shot at full out R. is to put OM out of your life in all ways, shapes, and forms ONCE AND FOR ALL.

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

You're all correct as for putting the OM beyond our M. Unfortunately, I'm probably the worst enemy in regards to this right now. In fact, she's remarked that she only thinks about him when I bring up the subject and that I need to move past him. How do I do it? Just completely forget about him as if he doesn't exist? It's difficult when I know he's out their pining for her. It's not the normal situation where the OMM's W is on my side. The OMM's W is indifferent in this case.

[Church Bells]

Unfortunately, this isn't unusual at all for weak BH's. They are so thrilled to be getting ANYTHING positive from the WW's, that they will "settle" and overlook SERIOUS issues.

 

So here WCOM finds himself:

 

-Things at the WCOM household are less stressful, so he sees reason for optomism.

-While completely discounting the obvious continued contact between OM and WW.

-Now in his last post, he actually tries to justify taking the blame for keeping the OM in their M.

 

I'm sorry, but this M has little chance of recoverying into much that could be described as a fulfilling relationship between equal, fully engaged partners. WCOM just doesn't have it in him to stand up for himself and refuse to accept crumbs from his WW.

[Samantha0905]

 

Oh, and another strange event....She had told me that he was gone out of state this past weekend. In fact she told me that a girl friend of his W let her know that the W was flying down unexpectedly to see him on V day. Well, I found out that he and his W were actually in town. When I told her that, she was visibly taken aback that she was lied to by him. Here, I thought that she had lied to me, but it turns out the OM had lied to her. I'm hoping that was another nail in the EA coffin.

 

It really does sound like BOTH of you are too involved with the OM. I agree, he should be gone completely from your lives. She hasn't even started what I would call NC yet. I don't think you should be involved with her recovery -- or withdrawal -- from the OM. It just doesn't seem like something for you to have to share.

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

Unfortunately, this isn't unusual at all for weak BH's. They are so thrilled to be getting ANYTHING positive from the WW's, that they will "settle" and overlook SERIOUS issues.

 

So here WCOM finds himself:

 

-Things at the WCOM household are less stressful, so he sees reason for optomism.

-While completely discounting the obvious continued contact between OM and WW.

-Now in his last post, he actually tries to justify taking the blame for keeping the OM in their M.

 

I'm sorry, but this M has little chance of recoverying into much that could be described as a fulfilling relationship between equal, fully engaged partners. WCOM just doesn't have it in him to stand up for himself and refuse to accept crumbs from his WW.

 

Continuing your 'vendetta' of calling me weak I see.....We all know your hidden agenda and your divorce at all cost attitude, so while you are free to post to my thread, I'm free to ignore your thoughts.

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

It really does sound like BOTH of you are too involved with the OM. I agree, he should be gone completely from your lives. She hasn't even started what I would call NC yet. I don't think you should be involved with her recovery -- or withdrawal -- from the OM. It just doesn't seem like something for you to have to share.

 

Probably very true.

[Church Bells]

Continuing your 'vendetta' of calling me weak I see.....We all know your hidden agenda and your divorce at all cost attitude, so while you are free to post to my thread, I'm free to ignore your thoughts.

 

I have no "vendetta" against you ... I don't even know you. I also have no "hidden agenda" ... I will readily admit that I consider D to be the proper response for "most" BH/WW situations, unless it was a very short term A, the WW was immediately remorseful, accepted and embraced NC, and the whole episode was "out of character" for the WW, so you have a reasonable expectation that it won't happen again.

 

However, in cases where the WW rubs her BH's face in her infidelity by continuing contact &/or the physical A after D-Day, will not accept NC, or tries to blame her BH for her actions, it just doesn't work out long term regardless of how much the BH wants it or how much some "for profit" cult like MarriageBuilders makes empty claims to the contrary.

 

One question ... you are quite a ways past D-Day ... are you happy/content with the current state of your M?

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

Unfortunately, this isn't unusual at all for weak BH's. They are so thrilled to be getting ANYTHING positive from the WW's, that they will "settle" and overlook SERIOUS issues.

 

So here WCOM finds himself:

 

-Things at the WCOM household are less stressful, so he sees reason for optomism.

-While completely discounting the obvious continued contact between OM and WW.

-Now in his last post, he actually tries to justify taking the blame for keeping the OM in their M.

 

I'm sorry, but this M has little chance of recoverying into much that could be described as a fulfilling relationship between equal, fully engaged partners. WCOM just doesn't have it in him to stand up for himself and refuse to accept crumbs from his WW.

 

Okay, after my initial flippant remark, I find that I should at least respond to your points, however I find them inaccurate....

 

Yes, things in the household are less stressful. That's a product of time and understanding where in the R process we are. It's a marathon, not a sprint as many here like to say. I'd relate it more to a cross country race, with many ups and downs.

 

I haven't discounted contact at all...But did you EVEN READ my last update. Contact is limited to him sending her texts or trying to call her. Are you advocating that I kick her out of the house due to his attempted contacts? I know you are so PRO-DIVORCE and anti-recovery, but really? Is that your position?

 

I'm not justifying or accepting blame for any contact. I'm accepting blame for mentioning his name or asking questions, which keeps him somewhat indirectly involved in our M and R.

 

I take offense at your last summary. It is a continuing theme of yours across many posts than any attempt by anyone at R is a sign of weakness. Your solution is instant D. That's not my solution. As for accepting crumbs, not accurate in the least. There are clear guidelines and boundaries. Just because they are not YOUR boundaries of DO AS I SAY or I'm divorcing you, does not mean they aren't there. You talk about two individuals in an engaging relationship, but many of your posts take a very one sided stance that the WS must become the puppet at every beck and call of the BS. How is that an engaging relationship?

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

 

One question ... you are quite a ways past D-Day ... are you happy/content with the current state of your M?

 

No, of course not...But I'm 8 weeks out of D-Day. I expect recovery to take 1 to 2 years. There are long strides to be made before I can say I'm happy/content with my M again. I've read many threads on successful Recovery, and almost all of them included multiple broken NC. It is the nature of the beast. I don't like it, I'm not accepting of it, I have kicked her out of the house for it, so I'm not sure what more you think I should do.

 

As for your criteria, the EA was 3 months, the PA 1 day, and completely out of character in a 10 year relationship. The only 'criteria' that she is failing at is complete and utter NC from D-Day. But I find that in 90% of the cases that doesn't happen, including in all the successful Rs.

 

Just so you know, besides my earlier remark, I do appreciate you taking the time to post your views. While I don't agree with alot of them, they always make me think and force me to look hard at where I can improve, or at least take an honest look of where I'm at and where I want to be.

Edited February 18, 2010 by WifeCheatedOnMe

[Church Bells]

No, of course not...But I'm 8 weeks out of D-Day. I expect recovery to take 1 to 2 years. There are long strides to be made before I can say I'm happy/content with my M again. I've read many threads on successful Recovery, and almost all of them included multiple broken NC. It is the nature of the beast. I don't like it, I'm not accepting of it, I have kicked her out of the house for it, so I'm not sure what more you think I should do.

 

As for your criteria, the EA was 3 months, the PA 1 day, and completely out of character in a 10 year relationship. The only 'criteria' that she is failing at is complete and utter NC from D-Day. But I find that in 90% of the cases that doesn't happen, including in all the successful Rs.

 

I'm sorry if all you've gleened from my posts is that I advocate:

 

You talk about two individuals in an engaging relationship, but many of your posts take a very one sided stance that the WS must become the puppet at every beck and call of the BS. How is that an engaging relationship?

 

Nothing is farther from the truth. However, I do advocate a BH "setting the recovery bar VERY HIGH" and standing up for themselves. Obviously, everyone has a different tolerance level, but to be enduring continued contact 60 days post D-Day does not speak of a strong BH with a healthy level of self-respect.

 

To my mind, you are short on enforcement of appropriate boundaries, and IMHO NC for life is the single most important boundary for you at this point. Without it ... you are NOT in any form of R ... you are still dealing with an ongoing A.

 

Also, the question above wasn't worded well. What I was intending to ask was not whether you're happy/content with your M ... obviously you couldn't be with continued contact ... but are you happy/content with the current direction of your WW's actions in repairing what she damaged?

 

Personally, I don't see how you could be with continued contact, but I'd like your perspective on how you feel she's doing.

[scorpmale003]

WC,

 

I certainly can't say what you supposed to do...but i can certainly say you have given up thinking with mind(probably for a long time)

 

first thing...if you wouldn't have discovered the A, she still would have been cheating and lying to you....and you think the A was just one time thing( you believe it,good)...it was just one time thing because it was discovered

 

no matter what, you are going to stay in the M anyways....you have all the excuses ready in your quiver for her present behavior ( possible future behavior)...so what is stopping you from connecting to your W...????

 

i have a stupid question....what would you do if your house is on fire(probably you won't sit and analyze)....first call 911 and minimize the damage....

 

what is that your W has done to control the damage....i see none, in fact she still adding the fuel...but you have reasonable excuses for her behavior....

 

so, where is the problem coming from

 

 

and finally why do you want to be with a cheater so desperately

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

 

Personally, I don't see how you could be with continued contact, but I'd like your perspective on how you feel she's doing.

 

If I had to grade her effort at this point, C-....

 

The first 30 days were a period of upheaval. I told her to leave. I was fully prepared for D.

 

The second 30 days have been a slow progression towards R. I'm not saying we are in R, but working towards a point of trying to R. I don't know where in my posts you have gleaned that I'm sitting here with a blind eye and looking through rose colored glasses.

 

Would you agree or not agree that there are varying levels of contact or are they all the same? Is an unsolicited text message the same as spending the night in bed? In the 60 days, I can count on one hand the number of physical encounters. They were all in public, less than 15 minutes in duration, and all but 1 initiated by him (he knows where her gym is). There has been no physical contact in the past 3 weeks.

 

Am I happy? Hell no, but I'm realistic. It's a process and not black and white as some would make it to be. Will I be happy 2 years from now in a fully reconciled M? God only knows. Will I be divorced? Still a likely scenario. But, I'm not leaving this M without trying. It would be far easier to do as you say and just file for D and FORCE her to reconcile. But I guarantee you that those that take this approach likely end up with many false R's because the AP is not choosing to R, but feeling trapped. I'd rather wait it out and go with a true chance at R. If it doesn't come then so be it. If it does, then I'll know I did what I needed to do to save my family.

 

You can sit on the other end of the keyboard and judge without full knowledge of all the circumstances and that's fine. But in the end, I have to live with my decisions and with the survival or failure of my family. Not you. I appreciate your insight and it does force me to re-evaluate my situation honestly.

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

WC,

first thing...if you wouldn't have discovered the A, she still would have been cheating and lying to you....and you think the A was just one time thing( you believe it,good)...it was just one time thing because it was discovered

 

Don't know, but very likely.

 

no matter what, you are going to stay in the M anyways....you have all the excuses ready in your quiver for her present behavior ( possible future behavior)...so what is stopping you from connecting to your W...????

 

Not sure where you get that....We aren't together now. She's living in a separate domicile. She's not coming back home until NC has been fully established. She's starting IC to get to the root of her issues. So, why everyone thinks I'm sitting here eating her crap is beyond me. My failure to accurately communicate or other's predisposition towards D?

 

 

 

and finally why do you want to be with a cheater so desperately

 

I don't and she knows this....But, why would I want to save a family? Do you judge someone for a lifetime by one mistake? One strike and you are out? God knows infinite forgiveness....We can at least try. But, hey, I'm just making excuses again, right?

[scorpmale003]

i am neither saying you to stay nor to leave....but what made you think that she is going to stay....???

 

did she ever asked you for the second chance(other than you asking her)...i see none(apart from your analysis on her gestures)...???

 

as far as i remember she left the house on her free will and you just prolonged it....

 

"Do you judge someone for a lifetime by one mistake?"

 

come on man, split second is more than enough to decide ones fate

 

moreover it's not a mistake(at least for her)...she wanted to mess with OM and still pining for it...

 

"I'm just making excuses again, right?"

 

yes , you are