My Rambling Story

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

^^^^ This.

 

It's time to cut your losses. You tried, bro. What else can you ask of yourself? She's sabotaged your M every step of the way. Don't volunteer for it any longer.

 

I get the impression you have a child together. If that's the case, limit contact to that about the child, divorce, and finances (and 99% of that csn be done by text/email). Don't engage any conversations of a personal nature. Detach. You were healing. Get back to it.

 

Yes, a young child and an older child who has moved out to live with his biological father. Thanks for the encouragement and advice.

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

So sorry to read about your sad update. You know what has to be done. She is a cake eater and enjoys being legally married to you and having a lover on the side. You deserve so much more than this. I thought your posts were sad 2 years ago but this one is even worst.

 

You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes. Her actions clearly shows she has no respect for you whatsoever and apparently gets some perverse thrill keeping you around as plan B. I will say this once my friend: IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL? How could she possibly respect you knowing that you allow her to continue to humiliate and disrespect you as a man and husband. Enough is Enough!!!!!! Good luck to you.

 

Thanks....I remember your posts from 2 years ago, and as always, you're dead on. Thanks for the advice.

[CantgetoveritNY]

 

Whatever dude....You and your self righteousness are the reason ........

 

 

, fine, you want to blame ME for my WW's affair and behavior, go for it. That's really constructive.

 

 

I blame you for still singing the same tune. Singing it since '09. It's not fair to your WW! I feel sorry for her. If you had been man enough to cut her out of your life she might have realized the errors of her ways and become a better person. But no. You keep enabling her. Even if she would not become a better person, you could. A person who stands up to her and says no more.

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

I blame you for still singing the same tune. Singing it since '09. It's not fair to your WW! I feel sorry for her. If you had been man enough to cut her out of your life she might have realized the errors of her ways and become a better person. But no. You keep enabling her. Even if she would not become a better person, you could. A person who stands up to her and says no more.

 

Explain....Seems contradictory to what you posted in the BS causing WW to cheat thread....In fact, you made excuses for your own WW's affair saying that there were predatory OM/OW's that cause cheating. If I'm reading your post correctly you are saying that I'm the reason she continued to cheat?

Edited December 29, 2012 by WifeCheatedOnMe

[road]

Whatever dude....You and your self righteousness are the reason most people call MB a cult. You blindly follow the 'teachings' of one man. Show me the statistics of marriages that have been saved by MB. Most of the threads (and I've read them for three years) ARE NOT successful. Oh sure, it's all the BS fault for not following the 'formula', as if there is some magic outline for EVERY situation. There isn't.

 

As for saying, 'poor me', not at all. I'm asking for help in relieving my guilt for ending a M when I feel like I've endured betrayal after betrayal. I'm asking for guidance or stories of similar situations or thoughts on how to process what's going on. But, fine, you want to blame ME for my WW's affair and behavior, go for it. That's really constructive.

 

 

 

Whatever you think my name is not Dude.

 

 

 

I blame you for still singing the same tune. Singing it since '09. It's not fair to your WW! I feel sorry for her. If you had been man enough to cut her out of your life she might have realized the errors of her ways and become a better person. But no. You keep enabling her. Even if she would not become a better person, you could. A person who stands up to her and says no more.

 

 

Exactly. His behavior has brought no consequences for his WW to own.

He has taught his WW that he will not stand up and do the hard things needed to kill affairs and recover marriages.

Edited December 29, 2012 by road

[CantgetoveritNY]

Explain....Seems contradictory to what you posted in the BS causing WW to cheat thread....In fact, you made excuses for your own WW's affair saying that there were predatory OM/OW's that cause cheating. If I'm reading your post correctly you are saying that I'm the reason she continued to cheat?

 

My WW cheated once. I'm giving her one chance to fix this. I'f I'm still giving her chances in 2015 then I'm you.

 

You continue to give her chances. You still hold out hope that she is going to come back. I don't say you cause her to cheat. But you give her no reason not to.

 

As long as she has you as her plan B, she is secure. She knows she can sleep with whoever she wants and if that does not work out, you are there for her. Emotionally, physically, financially. She has all that from you just by giving you some crumbs and lies from time to time.

 

By giving her all this you are unavailable to any other woman. You are in a pit of despair. You have not low self esteem, you have no self esteem. She does not want a man like that. No woman does. You are better off living the rest of your life alone than like you are now.

 

If not for yourself, for her, if you ever cared for her, cut her off. She is just as miserable as you. Wanting others but clinging to you for bad reasons. If you cut her off she might become strong and independent. Not needing any man to be complete. She might not. She might find other men to fill the roles that she has become accustom to being filled by you. But right now YOU are the one guy standing in the way of her transformation. Don't be that guy. Let some other guy be her enabler if that is her destiny. If you cut her off at least you won't have the label of enabler on your conscience any more.

[Oberfeldwebel]

I believe that you have 3 years of data by which to evaluate who this person really is at heart. She appears to be a very selfish person, who wants to eat her cake and have it too. There is really no reason to believe that she will change. You have certainly given it the old college effort and don't see how anyone can say you didn't do all that was humanly possible. You can be cordial, but at some point you need to quit waiting on her and start living your life to the fullest. I pray that moment is now, best wish to you moving forward.

[Darren Steez]

I'll be the first to admit it's shameful, idiotic, crazy, weak, sorry and a whole host of other embarrassing adjectives. I'll be the first to admit I don't know why I feel the way I do sometimes. I'll be the first to admit I need help, and lots of it. And, yes, I'll be the first to admit in my heart there's always a faint hope of R, but in my mind I know it's over and I'm moving forward with D.

 

You have a long life to live brother, as hurtful as this is, getting this woman out of your life will give you the space to heal and move on. It's a cliche but it's true because believe it or not, lots of women out there looking for love and a good man. Time to live your life, be free, be you.

 

You don't owe her anything, she cheated now she gets to live her life how she wants, but if that's the code she follows, then it's not going to be a happy, fulfilling life is it?

 

Good luck

[road]

You have certainly given it the old college effort and don't see how anyone can say you didn't do all that was humanly possible.

 

 

The old college try means to do everything possible to pull out victory from the jaws of defeat.

 

This BH only used a broom to rug sweep. The many things that he could of availed himself of to use to kill the affair and recover his marriage he refused to do. He still refuses to do so now when his actions are showing him that they do not stop affairs and recover marriages.

 

I think he was not willing to be honest 3 years ago. He did not want to save his marriage. This is seen by him refusing to fight his war the right way.

 

This BH's actions show that he only wanted to appear to attempt to save his marriage so he could walk away and claim that his marriage's death was not his fault.

 

He wants to stand here claiming as Pontius Pilate, I have washed my hands.

 

Claiming and doing are not the same.

[BetrayedH]

I think he was not willing to be honest 3 years ago. He did not want to save his marriage. This is seen by him refusing to fight his war the right way.

 

This BH's actions show that he only wanted to appear to attempt to save his marriage so he could walk away and claim that his marriage's death was not his fault.

 

He wants to stand here claiming as Pontius Pilate, I have washed my hands.

 

Claiming and doing are not the same.

 

If he wanted to "wash his hands" of her and blame the loss of his M on her, he could have done so long ago and no one would have blamed him. His actions demonstrate that he wants to save his marriage or he would have no reason to go back for more. Being ineffective doesn't mean this was the result he wished for. Speaking from experience, clarity on what should've/could've been done is far easier from the perspective of a third party or in hindsight. When in the middle of the drama and not wanting to push your wife away (when they appear to have already left), it's very difficult to push them further away and trust that they will close the gap. It's the right thing to do but it is completely counter-intuitive.

[road]

If he wanted to "wash his hands" of her and blame the loss of his M on her, he could have done so long ago and no one would have blamed him. His actions demonstrate that he wants to save his marriage or he would have no reason to go back for more. Being ineffective doesn't mean this was the result he wished for. Speaking from experience, clarity on what should've/could've been done is far easier from the perspective of a third party or in hindsight. When in the middle of the drama and not wanting to push your wife away (when they appear to have already left), it's very difficult to push them further away and trust that they will close the gap. It's the right thing to do but it is completely counter-intuitive.

 

 

You fail to see the difference when a BH has a dday and refuses to recover and files for divorce. That BH does not care if anyone wants to put a spin on things ending the way they did because the BH refused to try and see if things can be repaired.

 

Then the other type of BH won't file after dday. Refuses to do all needed to end the affair, prevent the affaor from restarting, and drop the ball on recovery. Just being careful enough to appear to be earnestly working on saving the marriage for a prolonged time to make it appear that the BH did everything to save the marriage.

 

There is a difference between making it appear that one is doing something thoroughly and really doing a thorough job.

 

There are BS's that do everything they can do to recover and yet still fail. They can walk away with their head held high. Just as the BH that files right away can also walk away with their head held high because the affair was something they could not move past.

 

This OP did not do every thing.

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

 

This OP did not do every thing.

 

I'm glad you've so intimately led my life for the last three years to know what I did and didn't do. You're right....I didn't do everything by the book according to MB. However, according to MB:

 

I did expose the affair to friends/family

I did try Plan A, albeit for probably too long

I did go Plan B for an entire year, having little to no contact..we lived in separate states for that time period

I did go to counselling, she went to counselling and we went to marital counselling together

I did outline everything that I learned on MB that needed to happen (letter of NC, radical honesty, counselling, etc.)

She came to me mid summer of this year after we had started cursory talking and becoming friends again and showed me the letter of NC, told me everything I wanted to know (although later finding out it was lies), was going to counselling, and so I foolishly opened my heart back up to the possibility of R. This was after starting proceedings for D. Remember, in my state, you can't even begin to file until you live apart for one year.

 

So, I'm glad it's effortless for you to sit and judge, but how dare you suggest that I've gone through the pain, depression, suffering for THREE years because I wanted the marriage to end and be able to blame it on my W. To this day, I still feel guilty about the failure of my marriage and that I wasn't able to do the right things to end her affair. I'm beginning to suspect you have some personal vendetta because my situation has hit some chord similar to your own. Either that or you've never personally suffered as so many BS's on this site and you haven't a clue to which you speak.

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

 

If not for yourself, for her, if you ever cared for her, cut her off. She is just as miserable as you. Wanting others but clinging to you for bad reasons. If you cut her off she might become strong and independent. Not needing any man to be complete. She might not. She might find other men to fill the roles that she has become accustom to being filled by you. But right now YOU are the one guy standing in the way of her transformation. Don't be that guy. Let some other guy be her enabler if that is her destiny. If you cut her off at least you won't have the label of enabler on your conscience any more.

 

Thank you for rephrasing your opinion....I'm more inclined to agree with what you've wrote now that I understand it better. You are right and I've come to that realization and why I'm finally pushing through the D.

[2long]

I'm glad you've so intimately led my life for the last three years to know what I did and didn't do. You're right....I didn't do everything by the book according to MB. However, according to MB:

 

I did expose the affair to friends/family

I did try Plan A, albeit for probably too long

I did go Plan B for an entire year, having little to no contact..we lived in separate states for that time period

I did go to counselling, she went to counselling and we went to marital counselling together

I did outline everything that I learned on MB that needed to happen (letter of NC, radical honesty, counselling, etc.)

She came to me mid summer of this year after we had started cursory talking and becoming friends again and showed me the letter of NC, told me everything I wanted to know (although later finding out it was lies), was going to counselling, and so I foolishly opened my heart back up to the possibility of R. This was after starting proceedings for D. Remember, in my state, you can't even begin to file until you live apart for one year.

 

So, I'm glad it's effortless for you to sit and judge, but how dare you suggest that I've gone through the pain, depression, suffering for THREE years because I wanted the marriage to end and be able to blame it on my W. To this day, I still feel guilty about the failure of my marriage and that I wasn't able to do the right things to end her affair. I'm beginning to suspect you have some personal vendetta because my situation has hit some chord similar to your own. Either that or you've never personally suffered as so many BS's on this site and you haven't a clue to which you speak.

 

The thing I find saddest about si2ations like this one is that 2 many people put 2 much stock in the MB approach that when *IT* doesn't "work" they think (they certainly will be told this) that they misapplied it, not that they should have or could have done something else, or they were simply better off ending the marriage and starting anew.

 

-ol' 2long

[road]

I'm glad you've so intimately led my life for the last three years to know what I did and didn't do. You're right....I didn't do everything by the book according to MB.

 

Not doing everything one can to save anything will always greatly lower the odds for success.

 

I have never ever seen a case where picking and choosing only the easy things to do working to save a marriage. Rather doing what should be done on MB.

 

Those that leave MB because they are called on their baloney about how they know best. A person going through an affair for the first time knows more then countless numbers of posters that have been there, seen it, done it, and got the t shirt, total collective knowledge from having seen first hand what works and does not.

 

To chose to show up at a gun fight with a knife because one does not like guns they had at the sporting goods store and then to complain how they got screwed over in the fight is unbelieveable.

[2long]

For every poster who's left MB because they allegedly know more than those who've been there a long time, I suspect that there are an equal number of knowledgeable members who were banned for not drinking the kool-aid, yours truly being among them.

 

MB is just one method of infidelity recovery.

 

I ac2ally think LS is one of the better sites out there, because it doesn't favor any particular program, so newbies can find their own way.

 

-ol' 2long

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

Not doing everything one can to save anything will always greatly lower the odds for success.

 

I have never ever seen a case where picking and choosing only the easy things to do working to save a marriage. Rather doing what should be done on MB.

 

Those that leave MB because they are called on their baloney about how they know best. A person going through an affair for the first time knows more then countless numbers of posters that have been there, seen it, done it, and got the t shirt, total collective knowledge from having seen first hand what works and does not.

 

To chose to show up at a gun fight with a knife because one does not like guns they had at the sporting goods store and then to complain how they got screwed over in the fight is unbelieveable.

 

Its become very apparent to everyone your motivation in this thread....you arent about helping you are about promoting mb as the end all be all solution to infidelity even when there is absolutely no supporting data that mbs approach even works. Many on ls have reconciled successfully without drinking the mb koolaid but you cant accept any affront to your beloved mb....again i question your motives for even posting here...you certainly haven't contributed anything constructive...to that end i ask you refrain from thrashing my thread any longer.

[2long]

2 append what I said above: road is one of the good guys. A lot of good people used the mb methods and recovered their marriages (or themselves, if the marriage couldn't be saved). I just think it's incorrect 2 suggest or imply that the MB way is the only way - or even the best way - for everybody 2 deal with infidelity.

 

Nobody wants 2 see a BS suffer continued abuse by their WS. Many people I've come 2 respect have advocated a very hardline approach for BHs in particular. I wasn't hardline in my own sitch. My marriage recovered, but it was a long/slow process for me. In retrospect (hindsite is a perfect science), I wish I'd accepted my W's offer 2 leave after d-day. Though, if she had, I wouldn't have wanted her 2 come back. She might have woken up years sooner, though.

 

-ol' 2long

[CantgetoveritNY]

I wasn't hardline in my own sitch. My marriage recovered, but it was a long/slow process for me. In retrospect (hindsite is a perfect science), I wish I'd accepted my W's offer 2 leave after d-day. Though, if she had, I wouldn't have wanted her 2 come back. She might have woken up years sooner, though.

 

-ol' 2long

 

Interesting. I wish I could find more on your story. But I don't know how to do that.

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

Interesting. I wish I could find more on your story. But I don't know how to do that.[/quote

 

 

Same here.... but in summary how long did it take how long have you been recovered and mist important are you happy?

[BetrayedH]

If you click on someone's username, then view their public profile, then statistics, you should then be able to see "all threads started" by them. Going to the oldest ones usually gets you a start on their background.

 

I also agree that disagreeing with Road is not typically a great idea as most of his advice is right on the money. Many (most?) of the MB concepts are also right on the money. But like anything, MB has its limitations and personally, I think it puts far to much pressure on the BS to save the M at all costs and I'm definitely not the only one with that view.

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

Im not against road offering specific advice or to help me understand specifically where i went wrong in applying mb principles. But in this thread his focus has not been to offer advice or even constructive criticism but instead suggested that my three years of hell were some ploy to walk away from my marriage feeling good about myself. Then some silly metaphor about bringing a knife to a gun fight. Those aren't helpful criticisms but simply chest pumping bravado about how inferior i am because my marriage failed. Instead of the silly put downs offer real advice.

[2long]

Most of my his2ry is on MB. Some of the rest, after I was banned from MB 2.5 years ago is on marriageadvocates.

 

In a nutshell, I discovered my wife's VLTA with a colleague (Rat Meat) 11 years ago next week. It'd started 11 years prior when they were in grad school 2gether. His W found out about the affair ~1995 and made him move heir family 2 states away. The affair cooled off until my W hired RM 2 consult on a project she was lead of. I stumbled across emails between them when I was trying 2 free up disk space on the computer.

 

I found MB in February 2002. It was a big help 2 me for that first 2ple of years, and somewhat less so beginning around 2007. I think I started posting here around 2004.

 

My biggest issue was that contact with RM never stopped cold-2rkey, at least not for more than a handful of months at a time. My W never really believed I'd end our 30+ year marriage if she didn't pinch the s2pid mo' fo' off until I was able, somehow, 2 finally convince her of that. But it was a gradual thing. And it might not have been such a gradual thing if I'd taken a harder line near the beginning of it all.

 

Come 2 think of it, that was one of the things that Steve Harley commented about when I coached with him a few times again in 2007. He was speaking of following the "MB plans" and timelines, and he said "if you had gone 2 plan B like you've been advised 2 do on the forums, you'd be divorced now."

 

Try not 2 get 2 upset when people try 2 give you advice that you don't think you want 2 hear. There are 2 factors you should keep in mind.

 

1) People will recommend what they're most familiar and comfortable with, and/or what worked best for them.

 

2) No matter what you do, what "method" you follow, books you read, or programs you espouse, there's only one person who will deserve credit for your recovery (personal), and 2 if you recover your marriage, and that person/those people are you and your wife.

 

If you recover your marriage, it will be because of the decisions you make and actions you take, not because you did something someone told you 2 do - even if it looks like you followed some plan 2 a tee.

 

-ol' 2long

[2long]

Oh yeah, am I happy?

 

I think so. I think my wife is 2.

 

We just celebrated our 37th anniversary over the holidays. 2k the day and went out on the town by ourselves.

 

-ol' 2long