My Rambling Story

[varaski]

sounds like a threesome that went bad to me. Your wife the Om and his wife all together. She probably knew about the affair before you did though. Thats the way it happened. And she spen't a week with the OM wife. yeah it was a threesome.

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

sounds like a threesome that went bad to me. Your wife the Om and his wife all together. She probably knew about the affair before you did though. Thats the way it happened. And she spen't a week with the OM wife. yeah it was a threesome.

 

Ummm...no, of all things, I'm pretty certain it was not a 3-some. Again, all things are possible, but there are things I know that haven't been revealed here that would preclude it from being a threesome. Thanks for trying to make a shi**y situation worse, tho

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

Hey wife cheated----1st happy new year----OK--You might as well call off your MC--it will be a waste of your money----You can't start counseling unless both parties are committed fully to R.---Your wife is vascillating, and still playing games with you----NC means NC, and it starts now when YOU WANT IT STARTED--not when she decides to get around to it.

 

What is she doing with all these women who are going thru A's, and especially with the wife of her AP. This is all contact detrimental to your mge. You can't control what she does, you can only control what you do, but your actions and reactions to and about her, need to be based on what she does, and right now she is still in her affair. She is refusing to drop contact--plain and simple.

 

One other thing---if you ever do put this back together----remember one thing---if your wife percieves you as handling this situation softly---she will cheat on you again in the future--knowing how you let it slide on by so easily this time----you MUST be HARDNOSED about everything. She has to know she has committed what is akin to murdering her mge.---murderers usually do hard time. I am sorry but that is the way this has to be, or she will do this to you again in the future. be strong.

 

I appreciate your post, but I'm not sure where you are getting that she has broken NC with OM. One e-mail and one text in 3 weeks, each initiated by OM and cutoff/ignored by her. Verified as best I can by phone records and other sources. She hasn't called him, spoken to him or seen him, AFAIK. Granted, I don't have 24 hr surveillance on her, and much I have to take at face value. But I have no counter-indication that she has broken NC.

Edited January 2, 2010 by WifeCheatedOnMe

[jnj express]

Contact doesn't have to be necessarily directly with him----His wife is causing your wife to think about him----It has to be out of sight out of mind-----Your wife needs to be home working on fixing the mge., not out with other women all who have marital problems----she is right in the middle of a nest of cheaters----she needs to be clear of all of that negativity

[Darth Vader]

Contact doesn't have to be necessarily directly with him----His wife is causing your wife to think about him----It has to be out of sight out of mind-----Your wife needs to be home working on fixing the mge., not out with other women all who have marital problems----she is right in the middle of a nest of cheaters----she needs to be clear of all of that negativity

 

 

In other words, your wife needs to lose her friend/s or lose you, it's that simple. When you make that mandate, you will have to stick to your guns, no wavering whatsoever!

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

I agree with both of you and that requirement is near the top of my list.

 

Today, I'm suffering from feelings of is this all really worth it? Should I just cut my losses and find a woman who doesn't/hasn't cheated and one that appreciates all that I have to offer. I love my wife and she is the mother of my child, but dang, it's so hard. MC starts Tuesday and I hope and pray that I/we learn some additional tools to deal with this. This site and MB have been invaluable as I surely would have lost my sanity by now. Thank you to all who have taken the time to post.

[dprtman09]

Okay, things are happening fast, and I'm not sure what to do...

 

No letter as originally planned last night at midnight. Get a text this morning that it was a horrible bad night, sorry the letter wasn't sent yet, that it would be coming soon, followed by I love you. I'm a little peeved so I don't respond. Three minutes later she is calling:

 

She's terribly upset and sounds like she got no sleep. I asked her about the letter and she said she's going to rewrite it today when she gets away from all the influences. I know that her original letter was soft on the OM, so now I'm wondering if she's going full bore on him. I'm guessing one of several things happened last night (remember, she was with her G/Fs who were all casting out their demons with letters...one of the G/Fs happens to be the wife of the OM...she's the only one aware of the affair currently).

 

A) The OMs wife got drunk and spilled the beans to all her friends and exposed the affair, humiliating my W.

 

B) the OM tried to come over/contact her and things turned ugly, him possibly rejecting her or exposing the affair also.

 

C) the OM tried to beg her to come back and wouldn't take no for an answer.

 

I'm thinking 'B' but who knows. I know that she left and went back up to our other house and that's where she is this morning. Lastly, the plan was continued NC until Sunday. She texted that she wants to come home today where she belongs.

 

Not sure where to turn or what to do now. Giving that we are working towards reconciliation, do I let her come home today, or tell her to stay as planned until Sunday. We go to MC on Tuesday. My concern is that if B happened and she's feeling rejected, I don't want her coming home out of helplessness and feeling she has nowhere to turn.

 

Thoughts my friends?

 

I have been and am reconciling with my WS. You are NOT. Wake up and smell the $9.00/lb. coffee. The A is FAR from over and I wouldn't see her or talk to her until Tuesday in the sight of a professional witness. You act as though you have control over your emotions and intentions, but you seem to be building your entire self-image on what she wants or thinks. Who are YOU? What do YOU want? Can you without a doubt say that you can reach a point where you believe that she will take responsibility for her actions and be faithful to your marriage. If so, I wish you the best. If not, then get yourself together before she takes you apart. I've been where you are with a previous marriage. Sooner or later, you have to make the decision. She won't because that would mean that she is taking responsibility.

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

I have been and am reconciling with my WS. You are NOT. Wake up and smell the $9.00/lb. coffee. The A is FAR from over and I wouldn't see her or talk to her until Tuesday in the sight of a professional witness. You act as though you have control over your emotions and intentions, but you seem to be building your entire self-image on what she wants or thinks. Who are YOU? What do YOU want? Can you without a doubt say that you can reach a point where you believe that she will take responsibility for her actions and be faithful to your marriage. If so, I wish you the best. If not, then get yourself together before she takes you apart. I've been where you are with a previous marriage. Sooner or later, you have to make the decision. She won't because that would mean that she is taking responsibility.

 

Harsh but partially true, although I disagree my self image is based on her. It's not at this point. I told her today, NC or move out permanently. I'm tired of the games. Time to move on.

[seibert253]

harsh but partially true, although i disagree my self image is based on her. It's not at this point. I told her today, nc or move out permanently. I'm tired of the games. Time to move on.

 

hell yeah! That's what i'm talkin' bout

 

bravo!

[Dexter Morgan]

WCOM, have you considered hiring a really good divorce lawyer?

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

WCOM, have you considered hiring a really good divorce lawyer?

 

Have one from my first divorce.

[dprtman09]

Harsh but partially true, although I disagree my self image is based on her. It's not at this point. I told her today, NC or move out permanently. I'm tired of the games. Time to move on.

 

What you need to do is this: Flat out tell her that if she wants a divorce, then go get a lawyer. You have to mean it. You have to be ready if, by chance, she does. I don't know, but the odds are she won't. I got this advice from a professional during my W's A and it worked. The more unstable you appear to be, the more she will play herself and as a result, you. Yes, that's right, she's playing herself. Unless she is without conscience or morals, she has to continually convince herself that what she is doing is right. Ask yourself what you are doing to enable her to deny her conscience. Ask yourself if you have done anything to push her further away. Don't let her know that you're asking yourself, just get in the habit of taking care of #1. Remember this: She is the only one with the power to stop what she is doing. All you can do is wait for your opportunities to push that process along. You're not powerless, you just have to know where your power is and right now it's within you and for you. If you're right, then the M will survive, if you're wrong, then be ready to get right with the outcome.

[dprtman09]

Harsh but partially true, although I disagree my self image is based on her. It's not at this point. I told her today, NC or move out permanently. I'm tired of the games. Time to move on.

 

Another thought: If you think that your pride or ego are at stake, think again. Assuming you've done little or nothing to drive her to the A, she is the one with the most to lose. You held up your end of the bargain and have given or are giving her ample opportunity to come clean and stop the A. Therefore, if what you say is true, then your self-image is changed, not destroyed. Once again, you must take care of #1. Rebuild your image without her in it and let her know what that will be. You may turn out to be the man she wanted in the first place. She may be able to see around the deficiencies in you that she has cooked up to justify her actions thus far.

[dprtman09]

Both.

 

Usually when a person hits the indifference stage, the marrige is over.

 

Sometimes indifference is a sign of shock. This can occur when one realizes that their perception of something that close to them has been significantly battered. If WCOM is indifferent, he may just be at a temporary impasse. You've been in my thread and I think I indicated that it happened to me. I think it's safe to say it happened to you. An M is an entity. No one wants to perceive of a death let alone experience one that close to home. If WCOM's W is indifferent, then she is either lost in her multi-layered deception or regrouping for another attack. WCOM needs to act whenever she becomes indifferent. Someone earlier in this thread said "go hard". Whatever the outcome here, WCOM needs to come out the winner in his own mind first, before anything else will work for him.

[dprtman09]

Have one from my first divorce.

 

Why should you go to the expense at this point. Give the lawyer a heads up, but don't hire him yet. His purpose is to get you into court. If that's your purpose, then go for it. If not then you have to call her bluff, she does not have to call yours. Check out my later reply for further explanation of the "bluff" statement. You're in a mean game here. At this point, you have the right to make demands and expect them to be taken seriously. The time for negotiation will come, but what you will be negotiating has yet to be revealed. H**l, isn't it? I wish you the best at this point. You're W can go pound salt at this point.

[dprtman09]

Wife knew all along. If you read back in the thread you'll see that it actually started as a friendship between my wife and his wife. She turned lesbian about 6 years ago, and they've been living a lie since. She in a sense condoned the affair and is why no contact with the W of OM will be required as well. It was a fu** up situation all around and perfect cover because she was going over there under the pretense of visiting her friend.

 

I will get checked for STD, yes.

 

Whoa!!! I missed this one. What in the name of all that's holy is going on here??? Are we dealing with people who are so wrapped up in themselves that they don't care who they destroy in the never ending quest for social image? How shallow can people be? That couple is one answer. There are no words to describe how shallow they are. She probably gets off watching them or imagining herself with your W. Think of it! If your W thinks she is saving anyone with her A, she's been taken to the cleaners. If your W is turned on by all of that, you've been taken to the cleaners! By the way, one does not "turn lesbian". She either always was or decided to experiment with bi-sexuality. Either way, 6 years--jeez!

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

Thanks for all the posts, dpartman....I appreciate your insight.

 

Update: Went to MC yesterday and it went quite well. We're not entirely sure we like the therapist yet (seems to be self involved with his own take on things), but it did open up alot of information. The W elaborated on her attempts at NC over the past 4 weeks now. The one text and one e-mail and as I suspected, he showed up at the party where she was on NYE. If she can be believed, she immediately distanced herself from him, refused to talk to him, and left the party. I am fairly confident in this version as since that time, mutual friends (who have no idea of the A) have collaborated that the OM was visibly upset at the party and wonder what was going on between him and W. To that end, I believe the A has now been exposed to a select group of friends as it was obvious there was tension and something going on. The W, is now distancing herself from that group of friends too and is focusing on rebuilding the relationships with our M friends.

 

Lots going on and VERY VERY early in the game, so my guard is not let down. It was refreshing to hear at the MC her tell the therapist that the A is absolutely over. True or not, who the heck knows, but it is the first time she has really positively affirmed that it is over. Last night, after the MC, we stayed up until 2:00am just talking. She knows that separation/divorce is still a distinct possibility. She knows that any contact with OM is an immediate deal breaker. She knows that contact with the W of OM is also off limits. So far, she seems to be making a genuine effort towards all of this and reconciliation, but again, way too early in the process to make any judgements at this point. There is still much to work through, and I WILL NOT allow myself to be lulled into a sense of complacency.

 

One footnote, I told the therapist that I was considering separation, but he recommended against separation. Said that we weren't 'immeshed' into each other and that physical separation wasn't needed at this juncture. Having never been to a therapist before, how do you know if he/she is a good one? This one came highly recommended, is a PhD, is published.

[imagine]

I agree with the therapists decision. I hope that he was pro marriage. Many are in business to make you feel good and take your money.

 

I personally believe that if your partner is repentant and it is the first time, the marriage can be rebuilt. This marriage rebuilding should be taken very seriously. In your case your wife needs to understand the circumstances for your initial withdrawal. You need to possibly communicate the situation of your depression.

 

I wish you well with the therapist.

[varaski]

Can i ask you a question. If you desired to be with someone after you totally messed up, wouldn't you throw yourself at their mercy? If you wanted to be with someone wouldn't you do all that you could to just prove it to them ?

 

If a person(wife) wanted to be with their significant other they would simply pull out all of the stops, heck they might even beg. But this is not happening. She is sitting around wondering if the feelings of love and respect will come back all the while entertaining the thoughts of being with another. You can't dance to the tune of two songs being played at the same time u know.

 

The lack of total truth, even if its a warped sence of the truth is just wrong. When you love people you really want to share happiness with them. And not attempt to take happiness away either.

 

She is in a fog, most of us have been there at some point of our lives and we did not leave the fog until we were ready. no one "walked" us out of it. I think you want to do the thinking for your wife, i know I tried to. It dosen't work. She will love and respect you IF she chooses to. There is nothing you can do to make a thing right all on your own. And stressing and worrying only makes you look and appear less attractive. You can't really hide those things you know.

 

My advise is to love her, but let her make up her own mind how she wants to handle things, don't get petty and throw her lies back in her face. Stop searching for a thing, You won't be shown the total truth until you can handle the truth. There is a part of life that you are not living right now, i wish you will discover it again, and live it fully, even while in the middle of this storm. time is the best friend you have right now, time will heal, time will give up past truths, time will show you the way.

 

I don't think you would have put her through the things she is putting you through, thats love if you ask me, buy why aren't you loving yourself enough to not put yourself through these things?

 

She is totally responsible for her actions, but you are responsible for your thoughts and emotions. Love yourself in a new way. Raise your esteem and your head. That is what makes a mate irrestible.

 

I wish I had known that 5 years ago...

 

I wish you the best.

 

SKi

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

Can i ask you a question. If you desired to be with someone after you totally messed up, wouldn't you throw yourself at their mercy? If you wanted to be with someone wouldn't you do all that you could to just prove it to them ?

 

If a person(wife) wanted to be with their significant other they would simply pull out all of the stops, heck they might even beg. But this is not happening. She is sitting around wondering if the feelings of love and respect will come back all the while entertaining the thoughts of being with another. You can't dance to the tune of two songs being played at the same time u know.

 

The lack of total truth, even if its a warped sence of the truth is just wrong. When you love people you really want to share happiness with them. And not attempt to take happiness away either.

 

She is in a fog, most of us have been there at some point of our lives and we did not leave the fog until we were ready. no one "walked" us out of it. I think you want to do the thinking for your wife, i know I tried to. It dosen't work. She will love and respect you IF she chooses to. There is nothing you can do to make a thing right all on your own. And stressing and worrying only makes you look and appear less attractive. You can't really hide those things you know.

 

My advise is to love her, but let her make up her own mind how she wants to handle things, don't get petty and throw her lies back in her face. Stop searching for a thing, You won't be shown the total truth until you can handle the truth. There is a part of life that you are not living right now, i wish you will discover it again, and live it fully, even while in the middle of this storm. time is the best friend you have right now, time will heal, time will give up past truths, time will show you the way.

 

I don't think you would have put her through the things she is putting you through, thats love if you ask me, buy why aren't you loving yourself enough to not put yourself through these things?

 

She is totally responsible for her actions, but you are responsible for your thoughts and emotions. Love yourself in a new way. Raise your esteem and your head. That is what makes a mate irrestible.

 

I wish I had known that 5 years ago...

 

I wish you the best.

 

SKi

 

Thank you very much for that kind and considerate post. I have been trying to do the many things you suggest and understand that I can't force her to do anything. While time heals, it is also difficult waiting with the uncertainty of everything. It's like pulling a bandaid off a sore excruciatingly slow. I sometimes wonder if it is just better to rip it off (divorce) and be done with it. Other times, I am committed to enduring the pain knowing that one day the sore will heal. Very confusing times.

[varaski]

My mother told me a story once. There was a prison guard on the edge of retirement, training his new replacement. His dutys would be executing prisoners, many prisoners. He said he always gave the prisoners a choice as to how they would meet their end. Fireing squad, hanging, or the unknown that was behind the black door at the end of the room. Days and weeks went by and the new guard seen 100's of people put to death buy none by way of the unknown black door.

 

He was to start in his new position in a few days and had yet to see anyone put to death by the unknown black door, so out of duty and curisoty he asked the veteran guard what was behind the unknown black door that no one chose.

 

The old guard gets up out of his seat, walks to the back of the room and thrusts the door open with a strong kick. The new guard as afraid as can be slowly creeps up to the open door and prepares to see the most deathly and unamiginable horrible agent of death. Yet he sees a beautiful garden with a smooth stoned path leading up past the mountains...

 

The old man tells him that its freedom, the thing lurking behind that dark, unknown door is simple freedom. The thing that no one has ever chose.

 

We all want to fast foreward and see whats gonna happen tomorrow. Find out if we should or should not try at all. But thats the mystery of time. He keeps it a secret from us. We won't give our all if we knew that doom and gloom was out there for us, we wouldn't even try and fix our own selves up.

 

But being afraid of the unknown tomorrow we just might end up passing up on something beautifull. A wonderful life lesson, a new beginning, or just plain and simple strength and understanding.

 

No one here knows whats gonna happen between you and your wife, not her and not you either. Thats not todays decision. Do the things that will be satisfying, if you end up happily with her or happily without her. Thats the thing you focus on. Thats the thing that will gaurantee you a happy ending.

 

Less focus on her, and more focus on you. As hard as that may be, and as crazy as that sounds. Bro she won't change until you do. Its just that simple. And your change must be a real one, not just something you think she will like or love, make the change in you that you know you will love.

 

Life rides us down some strange roads sometimes.

 

Be easy,

 

SKi

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

Thanks Ski.....I have been making those changes in myself and feel much better about who I am.

 

Alot has happened over the past couple of weeks. It's been a crazy time. I learned even more about the affair, and the more I learned, the better I felt. Much came out in counseling and our talks afterwards. If I had only been a week earlier in discovery, she would not have had sex. The bulk of the affair was EA, with only one physical encounter that was awkward and unpleasant. Doesn't make me feel much better, but its better than they were burning up the sheets every other day.

 

As for NC, she's broken it twice now since new years. It was painful to discover that bit of information. She had maintained NC for nearly 4 weeks before him showing up at the NYE party. As posted before, she avoided contact with him but was guilted into feeling sorry for him by his emotional sadness because she rebuffed his advances. So she felt compelled to meet him at a public place to let him down easier and end it. He now has her emotionally held hostage, so I feel we are almost back to square one. We discussed this at MC and the therapist confronted her pretty hard. He said she needs only one more meeting or either do it by letter to end it once and for all. She agreed but never really committed to doing it. She's afraid it will take more than one to ensure the ending she needs.

 

At this point we've rented a long term residence at a nearby hotel and she will be moving in there tomorrow with NC between us save for kid exchange until she ends it. I don't want to be any part of moving forward between us anymore until that cancer is cut out of our relationship.

[lostsunsets]

stick to your guns. She needs to be isolated and outed to all your friends and families. There has to be consequences or she will eat cake forever.

[Bryanp]

This is ridiculous. I am sorry but I don't believe what she is saying to you. She is willing to jeopardize her family for this guy and refuses NC with him. She tells you the sex was very bad but she remains emotionally tied to him? It does not make sense. If the sex was so bad then why is she willing to allow her family to be separated because of this? I think she quite the little actress. If the roles were reversed do you actually think she would buy such an act from you? She is lying to you.

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

This is ridiculous. I am sorry but I don't believe what she is saying to you. She is willing to jeopardize her family for this guy and refuses NC with him. She tells you the sex was very bad but she remains emotionally tied to him? It does not make sense. If the sex was so bad then why is she willing to allow her family to be separated because of this? I think she quite the little actress. If the roles were reversed do you actually think she would buy such an act from you? She is lying to you.

 

Oh, I'm certain there are half truths everywhere. I'm not believing much that's coming out of her mouth at this point. Until she commits to NC I'm done. We are physically separating tomorrow. I'm not even sure if continuing MC is prudent at this point until she makes a decision. As for the sex, like most affairs, the emotional aspect is far more of a powerful pull than the physical. I do believe she is struggling to end the friendship and emotional aspect of it, not the physical. At least believing that helps me sleep better at night. If its not true, then it doesn't matter, cause she's gone either way. By separating at this point, I can get the toxic influence out of my life and begin to heal for myself. Not for her. Not for us. Just me and the kids.

Edited January 12, 2010 by WifeCheatedOnMe