My Rambling Story

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

 

yes , you are

 

Then so be it.

 

Out of curiosity, have you reconciled after an A? Or are you divorced?

 

EDIT:::Nevermind....A quick look at your post history tells the tale. You are firmly in the run away, D camp.

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

my exp has nothing to do with what i have written here...i never experienced this s***

 

 

Wrong...It has everything to do with your bias....

 

When I was 25 I was full of piss and vinegar too and vowed that if my W ever cheated on me, she'd be out the door that very minute. Until you are in a committed relationship, have experienced the joys of a complete family, you probably cannot conceive of putting up with this 's***' as you eloquently put it, in order to save it. Is it worth saving...That's hard to tell at this point, but I refuse to walk until I put all effort into finding out.

[2.50 a gallon]

scorpmale

 

You are still a young pup! At your age I was just getting into my player days and breakup in a relationship was like water off of a ducks back. In three more years I got into my first deep relationship, was even engaged, and was shocked at the pain of separation. But I quickly moved on.

 

At age 35, 10 more years for you I finally said "I Do". Six months later I caught her kissing another man, and yes I kicked her to the curb that very day and she moved in with him. But there are no words to describe the black hole one falls through. There is something there when one takes them vows that you cannot understand until have done so yourself.

 

In my case I immediately went back to my player days, and it was a good thing, as about a month later she came back, full of "I'm Sorrys", "Please take me backs" and a river of crockodile tears. That was even worse than d-day. It was the hardest thing I have ever done to tell her no, "It is over", "Not in this lifetime".

 

If I did not already have another woman in the wings I think I would have caved.

 

Plain and simple she was my wife

 

Until you have walked the walk and said "I Do" there is no way you can understand, them vows are powerful

 

Be prepared as in the future there is over a 70 percent chance it will happen to you

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

 

Be prepared as in the future there is over a 70 percent chance it will happen to you

 

And that's a very sad commentary on marriage today...Until it happened to me and I started researching and reading I would have never guessed it was so prevalent or that many many couples can and have survived an A. I'm not sure I prescribe to the notion that a marriage can even be better after an A, but I do believe it can be different, and that in of itself can be a good thing depending on the shape of things pre-A.

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

 

yes, possible....but i love myself more than anybody

 

Wait until you have kids....Your perceptions and attitudes will change

[reboot]

Any contact at all is unacceptable. And yes, been there done that got the t-shirt.

[mmlf1988]

WC, I feel your pain about the wife's affair. Do you have a support group to rally around you? I don't mean your drinking buddies.

[jnj express]

Hey WCOM----you need to stop defending yourself, and attacking these people---for the most part you are getting a whole lot of experience, and that experience has dealt with marital problems in many different ways and styles.

 

YOU NEED TO GET THE CONTACT STOPPED. if you are trying to keep this mge., going why is your wife away from home, on her own where she can do as she pleases w/out you knowing what is going on. If she is out on her own you have no way of knowing if contact is still in play.

 

YOUR BEEF IS NOT WITH THE OM, IT IS WITH YOUR WIFE. Forget the OM, you did not take vows with him, you did not deal with life's everyday problems with him, YOU HAVE NOTHING WITH HIM. It is your wife that cheated, it is your wife that chose to get involved, it is your wife that needs to cut off contact, change her gym, change her phone numbers, and anything else he knows about her.

 

If he continues then go after him as you would a stalker, with a R. O., and what ever else you need.

 

DO NOT EVER CALL WHAT YOUR WIFE HAS DONE A MISTAKE, it was planned from the get -go. You were lied to, your wife, manipulated, connived, and decieved you.

 

You do need to be hard about this. This is now your game, to be played by your rules, she gets no say---SHE HAS TO WIN BACK YOUR TRUST, AND WORK HER WAY BACK INTO THE MGE.

[dprtman09]

I,ve been away from this thread for a while and boy, has it taken off! Am I wrong in assuming that the W is no longer living with WCOM? If that's the case, then we have a situation here. How can the 2 of them get back together when they're not together? How can WCOM expect honesty when she won't face him in the everyday humdrum of life? She has a long way to go. WCOM has made up his mind to save his M for his own reasons. Does she share those reasons? JNJ has made his ususal excellent points (or was it jkh--I forgot). You know who you are. There is no acceptable contact. WCOM, stop being mad at the OM. He is NOT the enemy. Her fantasy world with him is the enemy. If she won't give that up, there is nothing you can do about it. All you can do is present an alternative real world with you in it. She will either accept or decline. Control what you can control. You are not fighting a person, you are fighting a relationship that she allows to live on with or without your consent. The OM has nothing to lose and no committment to you or your marriage. She made a committment top you and broke it. She has to fix it. I'll be back.

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

Been away for a long while and a tortuous year....If I had to sum up my year, everyone here was correct and I was a complete and utter dumbass. That's about all that can be said. After moving out last summer, I mistakenly let my guard down, crumbling under her I'm sorrys and her desperate pleas that she was going to 'win me back'. What did that get me....Another false R and another D-Day in December, this time uncovering the whole sordid affair and the million lies that went along with it. Secret trips away while I had the kids at my house....pornagraphic photos of them together. This time I found my balls and am feverishly working towards my own D-Day...

 

If anyone gleans anything from my sad and stupid mistake, LISTEN to the people here that tell you that she'll lie to your face, lie to your friends, lie to your family and kids to protect her double life. I would have never ever thought that a human being could stoop so low, especially one that professed love for you everyday. I'm sickened beyond belief and likely forever damaged goods as I will never EVER trust again. So, I'm initiating divorce and now I'm the bad guy because I'm finally protecting MYSELF and the KIDS.

 

I'm so sick over this and the year that I've lost. I should have immediately filed D a year ago. Oh, and before I forget, MarriageBuilders and their cult is the biggest crock of sh** that ever graced the internet. Plan A and Plan B my a$$....Plan D all the way for all the cheating SOBs. If they aren't on board from DAY ONE after discovery in fixing the marriage then leave or have them leave. DO NOT for a single day of your life put up with the lying, the gas lighting and the generally destructive selfishness that a cheater exudes.

[Distant78]

Been away for a long while and a tortuous year....If I had to sum up my year, everyone here was correct and I was a complete and utter dumbass. That's about all that can be said. After moving out last summer, I mistakenly let my guard down, crumbling under her I'm sorrys and her desperate pleas that she was going to 'win me back'. What did that get me....Another false R and another D-Day in December, this time uncovering the whole sordid affair and the million lies that went along with it. Secret trips away while I had the kids at my house....pornagraphic photos of them together. This time I found my balls and am feverishly working towards my own D-Day...

 

If anyone gleans anything from my sad and stupid mistake, LISTEN to the people here that tell you that she'll lie to your face, lie to your friends, lie to your family and kids to protect her double life. I would have never ever thought that a human being could stoop so low, especially one that professed love for you everyday. I'm sickened beyond belief and likely forever damaged goods as I will never EVER trust again. So, I'm initiating divorce and now I'm the bad guy because I'm finally protecting MYSELF and the KIDS.

 

I'm so sick over this and the year that I've lost. I should have immediately filed D a year ago. Oh, and before I forget, MarriageBuilders and their cult is the biggest crock of sh** that ever graced the internet. Plan A and Plan B my a$$....Plan D all the way for all the cheating SOBs. If they aren't on board from DAY ONE after discovery in fixing the marriage then leave or have them leave. DO NOT for a single day of your life put up with the lying, the gas lighting and the generally destructive selfishness that a cheater exudes.

 

Glad you found your manhood back. Don't worry. You'll come out of this stronger than ever and you'll look back, thinking why did you even keep giving that POS chance after chance.

[Bryanp]

I am truly sorry to hear how your wife deceived you. She really sounded so sincere and remorseful. Welcome to the world of the walking wounded. When you confronted her with the photos and other sexual lies what was her comments? Did you ask her what was the point of all of this lying and leading a double life? Why was she so willing to put your health at risk and destroy her marriage and ruin her family? Did her true self finally come out? Why did she lie so much with you and tell you she wanted to live with you forever?

 

What was the point of her lying so much. Why didn't she leave? Why did she go to marriage counceling? Again I am truly sick to hear of your plight. It really makes you wonder if you can believe anybody anymore. You will find happiness in the future. I assume you will be retested again for std's. How can she even look you in the eyes? Does she have any guilt? Is this what she really wanted to happen? Does she have any true remorse at all?

[seibert253]

I've always said, and I'm sure many will agree, if the WS is still "foggy" shortly after D day, hit 'em with D papers from the get go.

 

If D papers served, coming home and finding their bags packed and out on the street, or a week or two of the 180 doesn't shake a WS back to reality, nothing will. Anything beyond that is a waste of time IMO.

[GG2W]

I love MB, every time one of special friends decides to confess and fix their marriage I always suggest they contact MB. It only takes about a week and they come running back.

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

I am truly sorry to hear how your wife deceived you. She really sounded so sincere and remorseful. Welcome to the world of the walking wounded. When you confronted her with the photos and other sexual lies what was her comments? Did you ask her what was the point of all of this lying and leading a double life? Why was she so willing to put your health at risk and destroy her marriage and ruin her family? Did her true self finally come out? Why did she lie so much with you and tell you she wanted to live with you forever?

 

What was the point of her lying so much. Why didn't she leave? Why did she go to marriage counceling? Again I am truly sick to hear of your plight. It really makes you wonder if you can believe anybody anymore. You will find happiness in the future. I assume you will be retested again for std's. How can she even look you in the eyes? Does she have any guilt? Is this what she really wanted to happen? Does she have any true remorse at all?

 

I asked all the same questions. Her answer is that she was able to separate in her mind the two worlds...complete fogbabble and horsesh**. As for why she just didn't leave, she says to this day she wants to be married to me. That she doesn't want him in that way, just as a friend. She says she prayed that one day I would wake up and tell her it was okay to be friends with him. Well, she's got her wish. It is okay to be friends with him at this point because I'm moving on.

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

I've always said, and I'm sure many will agree, if the WS is still "foggy" shortly after D day, hit 'em with D papers from the get go.

 

If D papers served, coming home and finding their bags packed and out on the street, or a week or two of the 180 doesn't shake a WS back to reality, nothing will. Anything beyond that is a waste of time IMO.

 

At this juncture, having lived what I've lived, I agree with you. I wish I had the sense early on to see through the fog myself.

[UnsureinSeattle]

She says she prayed that one day I would wake up and tell her it was okay to be friends with him.

 

I just love that- YOU were the impediment to her "friendship." Utterly ridiculous.

 

Your situation sucks... but, in a weird way, at least you know now to nip it in the bud. Stay strong.

[whichwayisup]

I asked all the same questions. Her answer is that she was able to separate in her mind the two worlds...complete fogbabble and horsesh**. As for why she just didn't leave, she says to this day she wants to be married to me. That she doesn't want him in that way, just as a friend. She says she prayed that one day I would wake up and tell her it was okay to be friends with him. Well, she's got her wish. It is okay to be friends with him at this point because I'm moving on.

 

So basically she wanted to have the benefits of staying married, the house, the whole works yet have someone on the side... JUST as a friend. Yeah right! How selfish of her! And holy crap to the part about her praying you'd accept the friendship. What a fool.

 

Good for you to stand up and do what should have been done a long time ago. You are NOT the bad guy here, she is. She's just pissed that she no longer has control over you and the situation, you decided and she's now got to suffer consquences...Lifestyle change and her affair bubble in affairyland is going to change. boohoo...

 

Stay strong and love your kids. They need you now more than ever.

[Bryanp]

Her comment to you that she prayed and wished that you would allow her to be friends with him and stay married to her was amazing. Did you ever ask why you would want to be with a wife who lies, cheats, betrays, humiliates and puts her husband at risk for STD's? Ask her if the roles had been reversed would she have wanted to stay married to you? Her comments are amazing. Does she finally realize that you are going to divorce her? She still sounds like she has absolutely no remorse that she played you for an absolute fool. It is unbelievable.

[RobD70]

Something like this happened to me but I was an even bigger fool as I tried reconciling 3 times and my wife said a lot of the same things as the OP’s.

 

What I learned is that the WS has to pretty much HATE the AP or it will be almost impossible to end the EA. They will idealize the AP and the more they are in NC, the more they will want them. Reading this thread I knew she would relapse because that’s what my W did after about 6 months. As long as they have anything remotely nice to say about the AP, the EA is not over, only in remission.

 

Moving forward with the divorce is the right thing to do. The wife will regret all of this and once she spends some time with the OM and reality hits her (she is still in fantasy land, honeymoon stage) she will turn on the OM and resent him for screwing up her life. Then she will beg to come back but it will be too late.

 

I am back with my W and it’s been 2 years since the last time we reconciled so it stuck this time but I am in control and have no problem ended my M if my W got out of line again and she knows it. She hates the OM with a purple passion and I have no worries about her straying again since I worked out my issues and she is still paying the price through public humiliation for her A.She will not even talk to another man for fear of it looking bad and has no male friends now nor wants any.

 

 

If I had to do it all over again, I would had filed for a divorce the day I found out about the A and if we were to have reconciled it would be after the divorce was final. The best way to handle a cheater is to throw them at the AP and leave their ass. That kill affairs faster than anything you can imagine.

 

ETA: When I saw in an early post that she got angry that the OM lied about something to her, that reminded me of what happened on the second time we got back together. My W found out the OM lied about going to New Orleans and had another woman "friend" with him and I thought, "We'll she must really hate him now lol". Nope, it just made her jealous and she ended up pursuing him again.

Edited December 29, 2010 by RobD70

[love4me2c]

I have been both a BS and WS. I was a WS after finding out about my H's affair. As the WS, it is very hard to separate yourself from the OM. I agree it is an addiction of sorts. You are getting from the OM what you aren't getting from your H. For me, it was almost like every time I was with the OM, I was hurting my H like he hurt me. I admit, that was exactly what I wanted to do. It was empowering. Also, the feelings that the OM had, the desire and excitement, was so much better than being with the H who had betrayed me. I no longer felt those things for H. I hated him for what he did to me. HOWEVER, being the WS was the worst thing I ever did. It is my biggest regret and I will consistently advocate on these boards to not engage in such behavior.

 

What got me to finally end the RA (revenge affair) was to physically separate from my husband. Within a week of moving out, I ended my RA with the OM and didn't look back. There is no hope of reconciliation for me with H for many reasons. If you love your wife, a separation might be a good idea. That may allow her to end the A on her own terms. It may also give her the space necessary to allow you both to decide if you want to reconcile or just move towards divorce.

 

I am in NO WAY advocating the side of the WS here. I've been one and it was the worst experience I've ever faced. I would not wish it on my worst enemy. I just get from the posts that you really love her. You seem to understand what may have contributed to her ultimately having an A. Frankly, I'm in the camp of most WS when I say you need to leave them, but I don't always think that is so cut and dry. It really depends on the circumstances, her past behavior and the state of your marriage prior to the A. I hope things work out the best for you!

[Penney]

As for why she just didn't leave, she says to this day she wants to be married to me. That she doesn't want him in that way, just as a friend.

 

If she doesn't want him in that way, why are their pornographic pictures of them together and why is she having sex with him?

 

She says she prayed that one day I would wake up and tell her it was okay to be friends with him.

This is just utter nonsense and offensive that she is praying for something like this. She is basically "praying" for an open marriage but open only at her end. Cut her loose.

 

Eventually, you will need to find a way to let go of the anger and resentment you feel toward her for the child's sake. That usually means individual counseling. It is OK to feel anger/resentment for a bit, but if you find yourself dwelling on it or allowing those feelings to come out in ways that are harmful to the child, you will need to address that. It can come out in all kinds of ways that are harmful to the child and the child doesn't even have to be present. I would get into individual counseling right away to start addressing this and even some family counseling to help you both figure out how to co-parent the child in a way that is as healthy as possible given all that has happened.

[Penney]

I'm sickened beyond belief and likely forever damaged goods as I will never EVER trust again.

 

OK, you definitely need individual counseling for this so that you can move on to find a happy, healthy relationship in the future. There are good women out there, just like there are good men out there. Individual counseling will help you to figure out how you ended up in a relationship with an emotionally abusive woman so that you don't make that mistake again.

 

I am certain there were signs that you missed and you want to make sure that you don't repeat this mistake in the future.

 

So, I'm initiating divorce and now I'm the bad guy because I'm finally protecting MYSELF and the KIDS.

 

Please take my advice about family counseling. You can go yourself at first if you need to and then bring her into it later. You are going to have to figure out a way to co-parent with her in a healthy manner.

[Darth Vader]

To the poster, get a very good Lawyer, get the house, sole custody of the children(if possible), and make sure your finances are well protected including retirement plans like 401k plans and the such. She leaves the home, not you!

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

Thanks everyone for the support....

 

In all actuality, I'm more pissed at myself than her. I'm pissed that I wasted a year of my life and put myself through the emotional wringer in hopes of saving the family unit. I'm pissed that I ignored all the warning signs and the advice of some good people here. For her, my biggest emotion is pity. I pity her and the personality defect she developed that allowed her to compartmentalize her behavior and throw her marriage and family away for nothing. I do still love her but I think reconciliation is beyond reach at this point. Will our paths cross again after divorce...perhaps, but she'll have to become a much different person than she is now. Going forward I'm determined to remain civil and 'friendly' for the children's sake. They've been through enough and don't deserve what's been forced upon them. They don't need to see their mom and dad fighting at this point. What's done is done and the path forward is clear. While it is not the path I hoped for, it is at least one that is defined. I feel like I've lived this past year in complete limbo, watching, waiting but never being fulfilled.

 

RobD,

 

You said something that hits very close to home....I too have always maintained to her, that until she 'hated' him, the affair and/or emotional ties would forever linger. She always said 'but he's not a bad guy' or some other nonsense like it wasn't his fault. BS to the millionth power. It is his fault and it is her fault. Together they tore our family apart and with no sense of remorse for doing so. That is not a 'nice guy' in my book and why she doesn't hate him for that, is beyond my comprehension. If I had ever strayed and then wanted to reconcile, I would be furious at my former AP contacting me and straining my marriage. I just don't get it and I guess I never will.

 

Darth,

 

I have taken steps to protect myself financially. We have two homes so I'm in one and she's in the primary marital home. Yes I could have forced the issue and fought for the home, but honestly I have such bad memories there now I couldn't live there. Plus, it is the only home my children have ever known, and knowing the custody will at least be 50/50 if not more slanted towards the mom (unless a convicted drug addict mom's are not going to lose custody), I don't want to disrupt my children's lives anymore than she already has. I want them to stay in the home. People will shake their head perhaps at that attitude but I'm not out to destroy her or my children in the process. I just want my life back and to move on from this poisonous relationship. I'm not going to roll over, but I'm not going to humiliate or destroy her either. I am considering however in seeking damages from her paramour which is allowable in my state. I figure whatever she takes, I'll get back from him.

Edited December 30, 2010 by WifeCheatedOnMe