My Rambling Story

[Penney]

Will our paths cross again after divorce...perhaps

Well your paths are going to cross for sure since you have a child together. Unless your wife has abused or neglected the children to the point DHS would get involved, no court in the US is going to give you sole custody. You will get joint custody. There will be lots of path crossing.

 

Take my advice and get into family counseling so that you co-parent in a healthy way.

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

Well your paths are going to cross for sure since you have a child together. Unless your wife has abused or neglected the children to the point DHS would get involved, no court in the US is going to give you sole custody. You will get joint custody. There will be lots of path crossing.

 

Take my advice and get into family counseling so that you co-parent in a healthy way.

 

I meant as far as a relationship between us beyond 'friends'. I certainly am aware that we are forever tied together because of children. And for that reason I'm remaining civil and friendly during this process. If things disintegrate I will certainly consider counseling. Thanks.

[Penney]

If things disintegrate I will certainly consider counseling.

 

I hate to be a broken record, but where kids are involved, I don't mind if I annoy people. Things have disintegrated. You (and possibly her, too) think you can handle the break up of the family unit in a way that will minimize the damage to the children. Neither one of you can be objective in your views of the situation. You both have a whole bunch of dysfunctional baggage you are carrying around and trust me, it will affect your kids.

 

You carry around this wasted year and hurt and anger and pain. She, from your account of things, is not behaving like the mother of a 4 year old should be.

 

The purpose of family counseling now is to make sure that both of you minimize the effect the dissolution of the marriage will have on your 4 year old now. Neither one of you are experts on how to do this and may think you are doing it right only to find out 10 years from now when your now 4 year old then 14 year old starts acting out.

 

You can wait until things get worse, and they probably will once the divorce starts, to engage a family counselor, but by then, damage may have been done. You have already posted that her 15 yo by another marriage has drug problems. Where did that come from? Genetics or is he acting out because of issues he has with her first marriage failing?

 

Hey, maybe it is genetics. I believe there is a large genetic component to substance abuse. But if so, your 4 yo and her 15 yo have the same mother. And if it is not, if it is more environmental, do you want to risk the 4 yo having similar problems when he/she is 15 yo due to lingering issues from the break up of the family? This woman already has one kid with drug problems. Get into family counseling ASAP.

 

And if the 15 yo had drug and stealing problems when you first posted, you needed family counseling before you found the pornographic pictures of his mother with another man. Not trying to be harsh and simply reiterating your words here since that is all I have to go on, just pushing you as hard as I can toward getting a professional involved for the sake of the children. Neither of you can be objective about this right now and neither of you are experts on how to do this in a way to minimize damage to the children. The 15 yo already has issues and has already suffered the break up of one family, now a second.

Edited December 30, 2010 by Penney

[Penney]

Statements like these make me know you need family counseling:

 

1)

My story:

On that note, she says she can't imagine leaving the children. I told her that I would keep our 4 year old and ask for custody and that I would stay in the marriage home. No way am I leaving when I did nothing wrong.

 

In statement #1, you want sole custody and her out of the family home. From subsequent posts, I see you moved out. That is fine but the best you will do is joint custody. And even trying to get sole custody is a dysfunctional move on the part of a parent unless another parent has endangered the children somehow or doesn't want them.

 

 

2)

She has a 15 year old from a former marriage that would likely go with her or back with his dad. I think its actually a plus to separate the kids, because the 15 year old has been in constant trouble with the law (drugs, stealing, etc.) and she's even admitted that she's afraid to leave him around our youngest.

 

In statement #2, you talk about the problems of the 15 yo. Reiterating what I said in my other post - how did he get that way? And like it or not, the 15 yo is your 4 yo's half-brother/sister. This statement alone mandates family counseling for you, your soon to be ex-wife and the kids. Trained pysch MD or PhD family counselors know how to tailor their counseling in an age appropriate way for the ages of the kids. If you really are afriad of leaving the 4 yo alone with the 15 yo, that alone despite the divorce is reason enough to engage a professonal.

 

 

3)

But I know the courts often side in favor of the mother. However, I also think I can prove her as unfit considering the past 6 months she's been out partying with her single friends more than she's been home, and if she had the A, then she chose not to be with her kids in the time she was devoting to the OM.

 

In statement #3, you talk about using her partying to get sole custody of the kids. Look, unless she has been abusing or neglecting the kids to the point DHS would get involved, no court in the US is giving you sole custody. End of story. And is that healthy for the kids for you to try to get sole custody because you are angry at her for cheating? No, it is not. The children's relationship with their mother has nothing to do with her cheating on you. Children need their mothers and their fathers and as long as there is no abuse or neglect and they are wanted by both parents, joint custody is the best arrangement for the children.

 

 

4)

In some ways, I can't wait to tell everyone what a cheating bitch she was, but if there's a chance of reconciliation, I won't do that.

 

My concern with statement #4 is that although you didn't come right out and say it, you may want the children to know that mommy was the bad parent who broke up the family, not daddy. Honestly, that is a normal feeling to have. What family and individual counseling can help you to do is deal with that feeling and not act on it. Trust me, I know how tempting it can be to want to let the kids in on how your spouse betrayed you. But you can't do it at least not while they are kids. Professional counseling is the best way to help you deal with this feeling.

Edited December 31, 2010 by Penney

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

Penney,

 

Let me guess....you're a counselor by trade

 

Really, hon, take a look at the dates on those posts you quoted....They were early last year when the betrayal was fresh and I was furious. A year has gone by, I've grown considerably, and I am no longer vindictive in heart...I'm just looking to move forward.

 

As for counselors, let me tell you my experience this year with them. We went to marriage counseling early and that was a joke. Not only did it not help, but the therapists repeated pushing of my wife only served to entrench her further with her lover. Next, My wife's individual counselor did nothing but help her justify her behavior. She was a huge enabler and sucked her dry to the tune of $150/week. My individual counselor was okay but pushed hard for divorce at only 3 months into D-Day. Not very positive on reconciliation. Lastly, I went with my 15 year old to alcohol and drug counseling. That was the biggest waste of time and joke of them all. Pop a video into the machine, read some pamphlets, out you go....

 

So, I get your concern and I appreciate it, and counseling may become an avenue to pursue as I'm not against it per say, but last years track record with 'professional' psychologists was a huge waste time and money.

[Penney]

Lastly, I went with my 15 year old to alcohol and drug counseling.

 

I don't know how much time I will have tonight to finish posting to you since I have a job and kids, too, as well as animals, but I want to say how happy I am to see you say "my" 15 yo. When you started all of this, you referred to the 15 yo as from another marriage of hers and I have noticed that you have changed your verbage from referring to the 4 yo and the 15yo to now saying "my kids." I did notice that and think that is a positive thing.

[Penney]

Penney,

 

Let me guess....you're a counselor by trade

 

 

No, I am a divorced, betrayed spouse who went through 2 marital counselors and 3 individual counselors before I found a good fit for me and my wayward spouse. We divorced and we are both in better places now. I have forgiven him and am happy finally.

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

The marriage counselor was a PhD and published...His credentials were impressive and one reason we selected him. Turned out he was very much into the psychology of psychology if that makes sense. Very clinical and esoteric. His approach towards my wife was to beat her up over what she did wrong. That only served to push her away from me since it was in the context of joint therapy that she was receiving additional pain and seek comfort from her paramour.

 

Her IC is also a PhD and runs a mult-conglomerate practice. Beyond that I don't know much more.

 

My IC had a masters in psychology but no doctorate and was state certified to practice.

 

The drug/alcohol program was run by the county education system and was mandated by the school system. You could tell this practice was set up to move 'em in and move 'em out while minimizing time and maximizing the school grants. I have no idea as to the credentials of the two counselors that ran it.

[Jonah]

So now with your new life, what positives are you working on? For me, I got my teeth fixed, when to a healthy lifestyle, joined the gym, picked up the tennis racket... Watch out for that boomerang - you might want to duck unless her soul improves considerably.

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

Female, Female, pot/alcohol/pills

 

My take as well as her actions....

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

So now with your new life, what positives are you working on? For me, I got my teeth fixed, when to a healthy lifestyle, joined the gym, picked up the tennis racket... Watch out for that boomerang - you might want to duck unless her soul improves considerably.

 

Right now I'm working alot....Once things settle down, I intend to go back to the gym and live healthier. I've also thought of getting my teeth fixed...funny. Did you need orthodontia? My teeth are clean/white, just a little crooked.

[Distant78]

Right now I'm working alot....Once things settle down, I intend to go back to the gym and live healthier. I've also thought of getting my teeth fixed...funny. Did you need orthodontia? My teeth are clean/white, just a little crooked.

 

Good man. Glad you're moving on. You deserve it after everything you've been put through.

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

I'm sadly back......

 

So, after moving out last Dec 2010 and awaiting the 1 year separation to pass before filing for divorce, a strange thing happened....My WS and I became friends again. Mind you, we were still separated and had no illusions about reconciling....at least until July of this year (2012).

 

She returned from a religious retreat where she supposedly received intense counselling for her wayward ways. She came to me, and laid out everything she had done, why she had done it, etc. She claimed to have not seen the OM for 4 months now, and she sent a NC letter. She honestly was saying all the right things for the first time in 2 1/2 years, and she gave me hope that we could reconcile. So, throwing caution to the wind, we started 'seeing' each other a couple of times a week. Nothing fancy, just lunches and or family dinners with the kid. After about 3 weeks of this, she suddenly pulls back, saying she wants some time to think things through, that she wants to do this right. Immediately, my radar goes on heightened alert and I do some cursory snooping.

 

Needless to say, I discover she is still seeing the OM, still having sex with the OM, still lying and cheating.

 

WHY on earth would a person do this? I have been emotionally divorced from her for nearly 2 years, moved on (although haven't dated) and accepted my situation. I had been pressing to move forward with final divorce papers since the 1 year mandatory separation had passed. Was this the trigger?

 

So, now I'm back to suffering another emotional setback, another D-Day so to speak. How could anyone be this cruel? I'm pushing hard now for Divorce and she does nothing but cry and beg me not to, that she'll seek counselling and that she'll change. Some small part of me wants to believe that, but I can hear the loud chorus of HELL NO coming from the more sane, rational and objective group here. Hence the reason for this embarrassing post...I know I'm the biggest fool alive and probably deserve the pain and heartache I'm receiving for thinking I could save my marriage, but please tell me I'm doing the right thing and moving forward to save my sanity.

 

I used to post on MarriageBuilders and they seem to think save a marriage at all costs and blame me for not doing their 'step by step' program to the letter and that I'm the reason for my predicament. I have to believe I've done everything humanly possibly to stick this out and save my marriage, but isn't three years enough torture? Isn't it time to move on for good? God give me strength....

[coffeebean201]

Sounds like it has been more of the same.

 

People don't really change.

 

Are you still working out?

Hugs

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

Not so much....My job changed to where I was constantly on the road most of 2011 and 2012 and working 12 hour days. The travel and long days kept me distracted and served its purpose, so no complaints.

[Furious]

I'm sadly back......

 

So, after moving out last Dec 2010 and awaiting the 1 year separation to pass before filing for divorce, a strange thing happened....My WS and I became friends again. Mind you, we were still separated and had no illusions about reconciling....at least until July of this year (2012).

 

She returned from a religious retreat where she supposedly received intense counselling for her wayward ways. She came to me, and laid out everything she had done, why she had done it, etc. She claimed to have not seen the OM for 4 months now, and she sent a NC letter. She honestly was saying all the right things for the first time in 2 1/2 years, and she gave me hope that we could reconcile. So, throwing caution to the wind, we started 'seeing' each other a couple of times a week. Nothing fancy, just lunches and or family dinners with the kid. After about 3 weeks of this, she suddenly pulls back,

saying she wants some time to think things through, that she wants to do this right. Immediately, my radar goes on heightened alert and I do some cursory snooping.

 

Needless to say, I discover she is still seeing the OM, still having sex with the OM, still lying and cheating.

 

WHY on earth would a person do this? I have been emotionally divorced from her for nearly 2 years, moved on (although haven't dated) and accepted my

situation. I had been pressing to move forward with final divorce papers since the 1 year mandatory separation had passed. Was this the trigger?

 

So, now I'm back to suffering another emotional setback, another D-Day so to speak. How could anyone be this cruel? I'm pushing hard now for Divorce and she does nothing but cry and beg me not to, that she'll seek counselling and that she'll change. Some small part of me wants to believe that, but I can hear the loud chorus of HELL NO coming from the more sane, rational and objective group here. Hence the reason for this embarrassing post...I know I'm the biggest fool alive and probably deserve the pain and heartache I'm

receiving for thinking I could save my marriage, but please tell me I'm doing the right thing and moving forward to save my sanity.

 

I used to post on MarriageBuilders and they seem to think save a marriage at all costs and blame me for not doing their 'step by step' program to the letter and that I'm the reason for my predicament. I have to believe I've done everything humanly possibly to stick this out and save my marriage, but isn't three years enough torture? Isn't it time to move on for good? God give me

strength....

 

 

 

Your soon to be ex-wife is a toxic influence in your life. It's beyond cruel how she's played you. She's insecure and needs you as a back up if the OM doesn't work out for her.

 

Yes it is time to move on for good, and you know with certainty you are not to be blame and you did everything possible to reconcile.

 

In a way you've been given closure, you know there will never be what if''s, that you can begin to a new life and not have to look back with doubt.

 

Seize the future, make the second half of your life the best part of your life.

[BetrayedH]

I only know of your most recent posts. You know, I think just about anyone deserves a second chance. I'm glad you gave her that. How many chances are you on now?

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

At least a dozen? Depends on how you define chances...

 

D-Day was end of '09 with current OM. Discovered later that during '09 she'd been having conversations/meeting other's off of CL and various sites, but maintains those were just innocent flirtations.

 

For the entire year of '10 I gave her chance after chance, only to be rewarded with more lies and further underground behavior. It wasn't until discovering explicit photos of them together did I finally say enough is enough and move out Dec '10.

 

For all of '11 we didn't have alot to do with each other. She blamed me for 'snooping' and invading her privacy. And she blamed me for leaving at a time when she was sick. I of course blamed her for the destruction of our marriage.

 

As far as I know, she continued her A during all of '11. Supposedly (from her) she went NC in April of '12. By July, we started talking about R. In August, she asked for space. In Sept, I discovered two instances that she'd had contact but she swore up and down, no intimacy. In Nov/Dec, I found out the truth that she'd had several overnight trips, sex, dinners, etc with OM since July, and probably never really ended. Incidentally if it matters, none of this was ever really volunteered. I always found her out. She would say things such as, 'I have alot of guilt about things, but I need time to figure out how to tell you because I'm worried you'll walk away'...Well, D'uh.

 

So, now I've asked for D and started the process. She's begging me to not with all sorts of promises to change. I don't believe her and don't know that I have the strength to even try again. I want to move on. I've been emotionally divorced from her for nearly 2 years and living in a separate household for that time. I have not dated, always holding out some hope she'd come to her senses and earnestly want to R. I want to date now, feeling that 2 years is long enough to mourn the loss of our M. I've been very lonely during this time.

 

Strange thing, I feel guilty myself for feeling that way. Is my desire to date clouding my judgement to give her another chance? I'm so f'd up in the head. I've made an appt to see the counselor I saw early in this process, just to have someone hopefully straighten my head out and clear my thinking. I'm so confused, sad, and I feel myself slipping back down the rabbit hole of depression when I had worked so hard for so long to get my life back on track.

Edited December 28, 2012 by WifeCheatedOnMe

[CantgetoveritNY]

At least a dozen? Depends on how you define chances...

 

D-Day was end of '09 with current OM. Discovered later that during '09 she'd been having conversations/meeting other's off of CL and various sites, but maintains those were just innocent flirtations.

 

For the entire year of '10 I gave her chance after chance, only to be rewarded with more lies and further underground behavior. It wasn't until discovering explicit photos of them together did I finally say enough is enough and move out Dec '10.

 

For all of '11 we

 

 

.

 

If you don't want this to continue till you die you have to cut this woman lose. Go NC. Pull the plug.

[road]

I'm sadly back......

 

Needless to say, I discover she is still seeing the OM, still having sex with the OM, still lying and cheating.

 

I used to post on MarriageBuilders and they seem to think save a marriage at all costs and blame me for not doing their 'step by step' program to the letter and that I'm the reason for my predicament. I have to believe I've done everything humanly possibly to stick this out and save my marriage, but isn't three years enough torture? Isn't it time to move on for good? God give me strength....

 

 

I have been on MB a long time. Longer then the 2 to 5 years needed for recovery.

 

MB is not a save a marriage at all costs. Many times people are advised to divorce their WS.

 

The reason why you are where you are today is because you want to pick and chose what you want to do against doing what has to be done.

 

I have seen many successes at that site.

 

The failures are those posters that refuse to do the necessary work.

 

"For the entire year of '10 I gave her chance after chance, only to be rewarded with more lies and further underground behavior. It wasn't until discovering explicit photos of them together did I finally say enough is enough and move out Dec '10."

 

Giving chances and moving out will not end any affair or save a marriage. There is not an infidelity forum any where on the internet that will advise you to do the steps you took to save your marriage.

 

That is being a doormat. Women, especially WW's do not respect men they can step all over and are not attracted to them.

 

Even now you don't come seeking advice.

 

You come here to say poor me.

 

This is why your WW and your marriage are the way they are.

[Darren Steez]

Read this thread at the beginning..then skipped right through to the end, and hey presto...Wife still cheating. I'm betting even now OP still has some faint hopes of R. Shame

[BetrayedH]

If you don't want this to continue till you die you have to cut this woman lose. Go NC. Pull the plug.

 

^^^^ This.

 

It's time to cut your losses. You tried, bro. What else can you ask of yourself? She's sabotaged your M every step of the way. Don't volunteer for it any longer.

 

I get the impression you have a child together. If that's the case, limit contact to that about the child, divorce, and finances (and 99% of that csn be done by text/email). Don't engage any conversations of a personal nature. Detach. You were healing. Get back to it.

[Bryanp]

So sorry to read about your sad update. You know what has to be done. She is a cake eater and enjoys being legally married to you and having a lover on the side. You deserve so much more than this. I thought your posts were sad 2 years ago but this one is even worst.

 

You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes. Her actions clearly shows she has no respect for you whatsoever and apparently gets some perverse thrill keeping you around as plan B. I will say this once my friend: IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL? How could she possibly respect you knowing that you allow her to continue to humiliate and disrespect you as a man and husband. Enough is Enough!!!!!! Good luck to you.

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

 

Even now you don't come seeking advice.

 

You come here to say poor me.

 

This is why your WW and your marriage are the way they are.

 

Whatever dude....You and your self righteousness are the reason most people call MB a cult. You blindly follow the 'teachings' of one man. Show me the statistics of marriages that have been saved by MB. Most of the threads (and I've read them for three years) ARE NOT successful. Oh sure, it's all the BS fault for not following the 'formula', as if there is some magic outline for EVERY situation. There isn't.

 

As for saying, 'poor me', not at all. I'm asking for help in relieving my guilt for ending a M when I feel like I've endured betrayal after betrayal. I'm asking for guidance or stories of similar situations or thoughts on how to process what's going on. But, fine, you want to blame ME for my WW's affair and behavior, go for it. That's really constructive.

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

Read this thread at the beginning..then skipped right through to the end, and hey presto...Wife still cheating. I'm betting even now OP still has some faint hopes of R. Shame

 

I'll be the first to admit it's shameful, idiotic, crazy, weak, sorry and a whole host of other embarrassing adjectives. I'll be the first to admit I don't know why I feel the way I do sometimes. I'll be the first to admit I need help, and lots of it. And, yes, I'll be the first to admit in my heart there's always a faint hope of R, but in my mind I know it's over and I'm moving forward with D.