LDR that's indefinate

[b52s]

MOST LDR's wind up people being together....usually in a few months or a couple of years....when there is an actual deadline emminent.

 

For example.

 

Boyfriends' in the Army stationed over seas or fighting a war....

 

Boyfriends off to college, he visits on Summer break and holidays...he graduates...they get married.

 

Temporary career things

 

ALL these things are temporary...and eventually the couple winds up together.

 

 

But what about a couple who are exclusive BUT geographically undesirable?

 

There's 2 women that I know that are like this.

 

One is leaving my area to live in another state...she had a few months ago, broken up with her boyfriend.....due to the fact he relocated far far away....BUT they decided to get back together again.

 

Iasked her, "So, I guess you'll be moving to be with him after all?"

 

And she goes, "No, I'm actually moving to <another state>, because of my job there."

 

And I go, "Ummm....so....how are you going to manage being geographically DESIRABLE to one another? Think you can handle it? LOL"

 

Apparently, she's okay with it.

 

Another one that I know...lives locally to me....went to a convention (Sci-Fi) in California, meta guy there ...hit it off with another guy at the convention....she goes back home...and they stay in touch online ever since.

 

He flies her into where he lives.....occasionally, and he flies to see her occasionally...probably once every few months.

 

She has two young 5 year olds that she's takign care of....and joint custody with the local father.

 

It think the other guy has no kids, but a career where he lives.

 

 

To me, these are the kinds of relationships that will probably wind up in frustration or go no where anyhow....so why do this?

 

Personally, I think one person might cave when they find a local lady/man....and it would end there....anyone agree?

 

I can't see how one could resist temptation with SO many geographically desirable singles in their own town....correct?

[Romance]

Just depends how much you love each other and how strong your relationship is.

My boyfriend and I have never lived in the same town. We have always lived 5 hours away, we each have our own separate lives, separate everythings. However, I may go to college near him next year. (not his college, but one like an hour away) so that helps.

 

He plans that once he graduates in 2 years, he would like to move in together. Which would mean ME being the one who has to bite the bullet and move, leaving my family and friends behind and basically would have to find new friends..or all i'd have would be him and that wouldnt be much of a life.

 

but yeah my ldr is indefinite. we've only dated 1.5 years but it sucks to not have an end date for the terriblenessss!

[Lizzie60]

I pesonally never believed in LDR... it's just geographically impossible on a long term basis.. the ultimate goal of any long term relationship is to be together..

 

I find it rather ridiculous to think that 2 people can last for years seeing each other only once or twice a year..

 

It is also 'costly' to have such a relationship.. Most of the time, one person is 'broke" and it's the one who is more financially 'independant' that ends up paying for the trip, etc...

 

I know a guy who was supposed to drive like 10 hours to meet someone.. but he didn't have enough cash to even afford gas.. so it ended right then.. she was smart enough to see right through him... he's now planning to have this girl fly across the planet to meet him... how pathetic is that...

 

LDR is doomed to fail... I just don't think it's 'doable' IMO.

[aerogurl87]

Well I don't think a LDR with no real end in sight is doable. I was in a LDR for almost half a year and the only reason I kept it going was because I was madly, crazily, and dangerously in love with my ex. Had I felt even slightly less in love with him it would've ended in about a month. With that said, it still didn't work out because we both needed constant physical contact and were'nt getting it. But I'm sure if the distance would've ended earlier we would still be together.

 

So how people do indefinite LDRs for years that have no real hope of ever ending I don't know. But love does make people do crazy things, so whatever.

[sweetjasmine]

My LDR is kind of indefinite. It's been almost two years, and the plan is to end up at the same place as soon as possible. Everything's up in the air for both of us, though -- in a few months, the things keeping us in our respective cities aren't going to be factors anymore, but he might have to move somewhere else, and I'll have to decide whether to join him.

[Meaplus3]

Hmmmm.. I'm on the fence over the LDR thing. If the pair meet in cyberspace, well then IMO.. that's not a real relationship until the people meet.. and really know if things are going to work out. I think it's very premature to think other wise. This is a BIG lesson I've learned... over the past couple of years. Now on the flip side, if the pair is compatible on most levels and if the meeting in person goes well, then perhaps the couple can make it work, but only if one is willing and able to give up their life so to speak.. and move to be with the other. Not sure how often that actually happens? I dunno.. personally, I stear clear of LDR'S now. Plus my new BF.. is local and me likes that!:bunny:

 

Mea:)

[Citizen Erased]

Myself, I could never handle one that didn't have an end in sight, the amount of time some of the people on here have been apart I doubt I'd be very open to let alone indefinite...

 

It's all well and good to say that it's so much easier with someone near you etc etc but well...duh. That's very obvious and so extremely unhelpful. Sometimes you just come across someone that is worth it and then the people that are near you are undesirable. So I suppose that is what drives those that are in an indefinite LDR. Not my cup of tea but I can certainly understand.

[Rollercoasterr]

My LDR was indefinite for, oh I'd say about 6 seconds. I can't stand the thought of not knowing where it's going or if it's going at all. But it wasn't like I told him he either had to give me an end date or hit the road, we discussed when it would be feasible and since he's graduating school in April we decided it would be after then. June 1st is when he wants to be here at the latest, but that's only because of immigration. If I had my way I'd bring him down here on graduation night. :love:

 

I think that indefinite LDRs are very rare. Most everyone has talked about an end date in some form. A TRUE indefinite LDR will have never spoken about it, never thought about it, and be perfectly content to be how many ever miles apart that they are. And who really wants that??? Most of us have an end date, even if it isn't concrete.

[sweetjasmine]

I think that indefinite LDRs are very rare. Most everyone has talked about an end date in some form. A TRUE indefinite LDR will have never spoken about it, never thought about it, and be perfectly content to be how many ever miles apart that they are. And who really wants that??? Most of us have an end date, even if it isn't concrete.

 

Yes, I think this is absolutely true.

 

The only reason I say we're kind of indefinite is that we need for some things to settle before we can really figure out what we're doing and how we're getting there. Despite all that, we've had plenty of, "I'm sick and tired of being far away from you" and "I can't wait until you're here with me" conversations.

 

It helps that we're close enough that we can see each other at least once a month, but it's still difficult. We can't exactly do a day-by-day countdown, but it'll happen sometime next year.

[Rollercoasterr]

An LDR doesn't have to have a specific date for it to be definite. Look at poor Scrapper. He and Rayette are DEFINITELY ending their LDR, but things have come up that they couldn't control they had to push their date back. Mathew and I only just decided our final end date about a month ago. Up until that point we just knew he'd be here before our wedding. I've not heard when Maggs' end date is officially, but I know that she and I will be sharing the same wedding day.

 

Lots of us don't have concrete end dates. The fact that you know you want to end it next year is as definite as definite can be. Now if it were just pillow talk, that would be a whole other ballgame, but if you and your partner have honestly talked about coming together next year and are beginning to work things out little by little, whether it be who is moving to whom, looking for jobs(even if it IS slowly), etc. then I think it's safe to say that you are no longer in the indefinite category!

[sweetjasmine]

Yeah, you're right.

 

I hope nothing major gets in the way and that we can get moving. We both just want our own little place with a dog and a garden.

[b52s]

My LDR is kind of indefinite. It's been almost two years, and the plan is to end up at the same place as soon as possible. Everything's up in the air for both of us, though -- in a few months, the things keeping us in our respective cities aren't going to be factors anymore, but he might have to move somewhere else, and I'll have to decide whether to join him.

 

Right, and there's always that possibility of him bumping into some hottie locally....and he might wind up cheating on you (even if you call it cheating, heard that if it's over X amount of miles, it isn't cheating, LOL)

 

I asked her if she can handle the long distance thing and her response, "We make it work"

 

 

Apparently he flew in to meet her parents. She does the Sci-Fi conventions, nationwide, and that's how she met him. She's doing one locally, and apparently he's coming to be there with her as well

 

(So guess I can't hit on her, LOL)

 

One time I flirted with her on her Facebook status, she had some hot picture up in a "Vampire Daywalker" costume....and I made some innuendo-ish remark in her direction...it wasn't raunchy, but very PG 13-ish....we did a little back and forth, and I got a private message from her saying to knock it off....because her boyfriend got jealosus seeing that.

 

I was thinking there's red flag there....and I'm like "What, he's friggin on the other coast, why should care?LOL"

 

Jealous boyfriend = Red Flag....esp if he makes a stink about a Facebook comment flirtin' with her.

[b52s]

Also, the other one got, even though she's a good friend, I asked her, "So....how are you going to make each other geographically desireable...how are you going to make this work since you're never going to be together?"

 

And she said, "Are you just being nosey, or are you asking me as that as a concerned friend?"

 

She got defensive, so that's a sure sign it isn't going anywhere and they have no future together

[AnnPod]

Also, the other one got, even though she's a good friend, I asked her, "So....how are you going to make each other geographically desireable...how are you going to make this work since you're never going to be together?"

 

And she said, "Are you just being nosey, or are you asking me as that as a concerned friend?"

 

She got defensive, so that's a sure sign it isn't going anywhere and they have no future together

 

Hu, isn't this a little harsh to say? Maybe she's just sensitive, since it is not easy to be in an LDR anyway...

 

I don't know why everyone seems to be surrounded by 'local hotties' all the time, haha. I mean with that attitude, how can you date anyone, there are always situations where you are without your partner and meet other people, and then I mean are you gonna go for the next thing right away LDRs are for sure not for everyone, and you at least must agree that it's going somewhere. If you know what you have, and if you are sure to be able to handle the situation (without being depressed all the time etc.) then you are not gonna run for the next thing available. You must agree that you are serious serious at a certain point, that you have the aim to be together at a certain point, that you gonna make it work, and as Rollercoaster said before, this won't happen all at once, but little by little.

 

Love is after all not just running after the next cute thing, but a decision to be with someone. And it can exist in any type of way, and I think one should at least respect that, as long as no one takes advantage of someone.

[Rollercoasterr]

No, it's not a sure sign that they'll never be together. It's a sign that you're annoying her and that you need to back off. Obviously she thinks it's all worth it and intends to pursue.

 

It IS cheating, no matter if you're on the west coast, east coast, or outer space. People still have feelings, and just because you're in an LDR does NOT mean that feelings aren't there. If anything it means that feelings are so strong that the LDR is inevitable. You just have to be together.

 

I've never so much as glanced in the direction of another man since I've been with my SO. I can't attest for him, but I know that if a stunning woman walks up to him or anything while we're together he never even looks her way. Not once. He's never been unaccounted for, and I have 100% trust in him. Just because we are 1000 miles apart does NOT mean one or both of us will cheat. Cheating can and will happen in any relationship. It's all on the type of person you date. If you date a scumbag that's 1000 miles away sure he/she is gonna cheat, but if you dated that person 2 miles away they'd still cheat.

[b52s]

No, it's not a sure sign that they'll never be together. It's a sign that you're annoying her and that you need to back off. Obviously she thinks it's all worth it and intends to pursue.

 

It IS cheating, no matter if you're on the west coast, east coast, or outer space. People still have feelings, and just because you're in an LDR does NOT mean that feelings aren't there. If anything it means that feelings are so strong that the LDR is inevitable. You just have to be together.

 

I've never so much as glanced in the direction of another man since I've been with my SO. I can't attest for him, but I know that if a stunning woman walks up to him or anything while we're together he never even looks her way. Not once. He's never been unaccounted for, and I have 100% trust in him. Just because we are 1000 miles apart does NOT mean one or both of us will cheat. Cheating can and will happen in any relationship. It's all on the type of person you date. If you date a scumbag that's 1000 miles away sure he/she is gonna cheat, but if you dated that person 2 miles away they'd still cheat.

 

 

Right I understand....but....his desire to date someone locally will come to pass, he probably won't cheat...but the phone calls and emails might eventually slow down...and then....you'll get the "I don't think this is going to work" email or phone call , the break up might inevitably occur, so he or she would just things in the appropriate manner, THEN they'll date the more geographically desirable person.

 

Seen it happen quite frequently when I was in college, some girl would be fresh new on campus, 100's of miles away from the boyfriend who is at a another campus (or back in he home town)

 

He or she starts hangin' at parties, gets study partners, gets a social life, and he or she that's back home is eventually forgotten.....out of site out of mind kind of thing.

[Rollercoasterr]

Right I understand....but....his desire to date someone locally will come to pass, he probably won't cheat...but the phone calls and emails might eventually slow down...and then....you'll get the "I don't think this is going to work" email or phone call , the break up might inevitably occur, so he or she would just things in the appropriate manner, THEN they'll date the more geographically desirable person.

 

Seen it happen quite frequently when I was in college, some girl would be fresh new on campus, 100's of miles away from the boyfriend who is at a another campus (or back in he home town)

 

He or she starts hangin' at parties, gets study partners, gets a social life, and he or she that's back home is eventually forgotten.....out of site out of mind kind of thing.

 

Keep in mind that this was while you were in COLLEGE. I've yet to see a truly mature person that goes out and parties while in college. My fiance doesn't do that. He stays as far away from those parties as he can because he honestly gets disgusted with the way people act at them. College students are not the type of people you should base your answers on. They don't know what they want next week, so of course they're gonna do crazy stuff like that. I'm in college, I've seen it happen. But am I around it? Hell no. Is my fiance? Another hell no.

 

And considering that we're in out last leg of the immigration journey,the wedding is in less than six months AND he's still just as crazy about me as he was when we first started dating, your point is not only invalid, but laughable. If you don't know someone's relationship you can't honestly comment on it. Maybe you can for those that you saw happen, but that can and will happen in any kind of relationship. And also, you're talking about COLLEGE students, not truly mature adults. A majority of college students spend the first couple of years of college life skipping class and partying all night. My roommate used to come home from a toga party with only one half of her toga on. I don't understand that. But maybe that's because I had all of my fun when I was in high school so by the time I got to college drinking and partying wasn't fun anymore.

 

Mathew is never ever out of sight and out of mind for me. He's in my every thought and move. And from his ACTIONS and not just words, it's the same for him.

 

Some relationships will fail. Some will not. That is the nature of the beast.

[Els]

Right, and there's always that possibility of him bumping into some hottie locally....and he might wind up cheating on you (even if you call it cheating, heard that if it's over X amount of miles, it isn't cheating, LOL)

 

I asked her if she can handle the long distance thing and her response, "We make it work"

 

 

Apparently he flew in to meet her parents. She does the Sci-Fi conventions, nationwide, and that's how she met him. She's doing one locally, and apparently he's coming to be there with her as well

 

(So guess I can't hit on her, LOL)

 

One time I flirted with her on her Facebook status, she had some hot picture up in a "Vampire Daywalker" costume....and I made some innuendo-ish remark in her direction...it wasn't raunchy, but very PG 13-ish....we did a little back and forth, and I got a private message from her saying to knock it off....because her boyfriend got jealosus seeing that.

 

I was thinking there's red flag there....and I'm like "What, he's friggin on the other coast, why should care?LOL"

 

Jealous boyfriend = Red Flag....esp if he makes a stink about a Facebook comment flirtin' with her.

 

Right I understand....but....his desire to date someone locally will come to pass, he probably won't cheat...but the phone calls and emails might eventually slow down...and then....you'll get the "I don't think this is going to work" email or phone call , the break up might inevitably occur, so he or she would just things in the appropriate manner, THEN they'll date the more geographically desirable person.

 

So, let me get this straight - you're jealous that this girl is choosing a guy thousands of miles away over you, and refusing to flirt with you on facebook because she has a boyfriend. And you're telling yourself to believe that the distance will get the better of them and then you'll have a chance?

[b52s]

So, let me get this straight - you're jealous that this girl is choosing a guy thousands of miles away over you, and refusing to flirt with you on facebook because she has a boyfriend. And you're telling yourself to believe that the distance will get the better of them and then you'll have a chance?

 

 

I think you might've misinterpreted.....I'm not upset because she's not choosing to flirt with me, I'm just a bit irked that she made a stink about it because I flirted with her. I mean, she did put a "Hotsy totsy" photo of herself up.

 

What was said was pretty much harmless, some banter went back and forth...and that's when she PM'ed me to knock it off because her boyfriend will get jealous.

lol

Edited December 31, 2009 by b52s

[b52s]

Keep in mind that this was while you were in COLLEGE. I've yet to see a truly mature person that goes out and parties while in college. My fiance doesn't do that. He stays as far away from those parties as he can because he honestly gets disgusted with the way people act at them. College students are not the type of people you should base your answers on. They don't know what they want next week, so of course they're gonna do crazy stuff like that. I'm in college, I've seen it happen. But am I around it? Hell no. Is my fiance? Another hell no.

 

And considering that we're in out last leg of the immigration journey,the wedding is in less than six months AND he's still just as crazy about me as he was when we first started dating, your point is not only invalid, but laughable. If you don't know someone's relationship you can't honestly comment on it. Maybe you can for those that you saw happen, but that can and will happen in any kind of relationship. And also, you're talking about COLLEGE students, not truly mature adults. A majority of college students spend the first couple of years of college life skipping class and partying all night. My roommate used to come home from a toga party with only one half of her toga on. I don't understand that. But maybe that's because I had all of my fun when I was in high school so by the time I got to college drinking and partying wasn't fun anymore.

 

Mathew is never ever out of sight and out of mind for me. He's in my every thought and move. And from his ACTIONS and not just words, it's the same for him.

 

Some relationships will fail. Some will not. That is the nature of the beast.

 

 

Oh man, College was THE stomping grounds for peoples first marriages....by their 3rd or 4th year...I'd see engagment rings or full wedding bands galore.

 

I was in the athletic dept, and all these 4th year or Master's degree students with wedding bands on.

 

I guess some women, how they say got their "MRS" degree.

 

And it doesn't have to be parties, it can be the SGA, Student Activites Board, study buddies, other many clubs at college, yo uyname it.

[Els]

I think you might've misinterpreted.....I'm not upset because she's not choosing to flirt with me, I'm just a bit irked that she made a stink about it because I flirted with her. I mean, she did put a "Hotsy totsy" photo of herself up.

 

What was said was pretty much harmless, some banter went back and forth...and that's when she PM'ed me to knock it off because her boyfriend will get jealous.

lol

 

So you're irked that a girl with a boyfriend is telling you to stop flirting with her, then, and you're knocking her sort of relationship to make yourself feel better? Also, photos that women put up of themselves are invitations for flirting (even if they say they're in a relationship), and they've no right to tell people not to? Wow, medieval ages much.

 

'Harmless' or not is really up to the recipient to decide. No loss of yours to stop 'harmlessly' flirting with her anyway, since you evidently have different views on relationships. Why are you getting your panties in a bunch?

Edited December 31, 2009 by Elswyth

[b52s]

So you're irked that a girl with a boyfriend is telling you to stop flirting with her, then, and you're knocking her sort of relationship to make yourself feel better? Also, photos that women put up of themselves are invitations for flirting (even if they say they're in a relationship), and they've no right to tell people not to? Wow, medieval ages much.

 

'Harmless' or not is really up to the recipient to decide. No loss of yours to stop 'harmlessly' flirting with her anyway, since you evidently have different views on relationships. Why are you getting your panties in a bunch?

 

**correction...sorry....my fault...I meant to say SHE wasn't the one that made a stink out of it....it was her BOYFRIEND that had a problem with it, so she just relayed the info to me.

 

"My boyfriend has a problem with you making a flirty comment on my photo on Facebook, so if you would, could you please refrain from it?"

 

So it was really the boyfriend, not her, that had the problem with it....

 

I guess that' why I am knocking the boyfriend, he has jealousy issues obviously.

[Els]

... Wouldn't you be 'jealous' if some guy was flirting with your gf on facebook?

[Rollercoasterr]

Oh man, College was THE stomping grounds for peoples first marriages....by their 3rd or 4th year...I'd see engagment rings or full wedding bands galore.

 

I was in the athletic dept, and all these 4th year or Master's degree students with wedding bands on.

 

I guess some women, how they say got their "MRS" degree.

 

And it doesn't have to be parties, it can be the SGA, Student Activites Board, study buddies, other many clubs at college, yo uyname it.

 

Well then according to you I'm just lucky that my fiance is an engineering student and has only had one girl in his classes in the last 4 years.

 

But I agree with Elswyth. Would YOU be alright with some guy making flirty comments to YOUR girl? Probably not.

[b52s]

Well then according to you I'm just lucky that my fiance is an engineering student and has only had one girl in his classes in the last 4 years.

 

But I agree with Elswyth. Would YOU be alright with some guy making flirty comments to YOUR girl? Probably not.

 

 

Well, anyone can get jealous to a certain extent I suppose, but I think the fact he went out of his way to take action (say something to me) was a bit too jealous.

 

Some here might say a certain amt of jealousy is okay...OTHERS actually have no tolerance for ANY kind of jealousy, meaning it's an oxymoron to say "jealousy is good in moderation".

 

I dunno man, just find it a bit weird that I was taken aside to be told to "knock it off" Just seemed to be getting to that whole insecure area there on his end.

 

So I'll keep the flirtations in private instead. LOL ...j/k

Edited December 31, 2009 by b52s