LDR that's indefinate

[smartlypretty]

Sometimes indefinite is just how it goes. I have been seeing a man in Europe, when we have a chance, for about three years. (Nov. 06-now) I've tried to be open to dating and nothing- I just love him. He seems to feel the same way about me.

 

I've been separated in a marriage for far longer but divorces in this state take a long time. He can't get here any other way, and he has a good job. To move here, now, when 10% of our population is unemployed seems to be a recipe for disaster- so we wait and hope.

 

It's not easy. I miss him a lot at times like now, but when he's here it's just like it's cool and we live together. For a week. He talks to my kids and cooks for me and watches TV and we deal with it. What else could we do? Rushing into it half-cocked is a more US thing- like oh, we love each other, what can go wrong? and to move to the US, where there's no healthcare and a different culture- we just want to wait and see if a better way presents itself. So far, nothing has.

[b52s]

Sometimes indefinite is just how it goes. I have been seeing a man in Europe, when we have a chance, for about three years. (Nov. 06-now) I've tried to be open to dating and nothing- I just love him. He seems to feel the same way about me.

 

I've been separated in a marriage for far longer but divorces in this state take a long time. He can't get here any other way, and he has a good job. To move here, now, when 10% of our population is unemployed seems to be a recipe for disaster- so we wait and hope.

 

It's not easy. I miss him a lot at times like now, but when he's here it's just like it's cool and we live together. For a week. He talks to my kids and cooks for me and watches TV and we deal with it. What else could we do? Rushing into it half-cocked is a more US thing- like oh, we love each other, what can go wrong? and to move to the US, where there's no healthcare and a different culture- we just want to wait and see if a better way presents itself. So far, nothing has.

 

So you never get "the itch"? You never have the thought, "Well, there's this cute guy I met in my (whatever you do socially at parties and interest groups)....he asked me to dinner, maybe I should go back to dating locally.

 

Also, who is to know that you're b/f in Europe doesn't have a girlfriend, in well.....Europe.

 

I often wonder if people who are in these kinds of LDR's are really even being faithful? If they are being faithful, I am wondering how they are able to keep being faithful?

 

I mean, I wouldn't cheat on them (but I know people that WOULD cheat...in an LDR) , but I would be tempted enough to end an LDR if I found someone locally.

[Meaplus3]

Personally, I think one person might cave when they find a local lady/man....and it would end there....anyone agree?

 

 

I just re- read your post again here and I do agree that this bound to happen. My first question I guess would be why can't the person's find someone in their own area.. but need to go half way around the globe to find that special someone? Something to me does not add up here? Which would lead me to believe that the person probably does have many potential dates per say locally.. and yet chooses to lead on someone who lives very far away.. and the reason for that could simly be trust issues. So, yes.. I believe that the person could and will probably cave if something better locally comes along. Sorry for the ramble. I just don't see how a long distnace relationship can go very far. There needs to be a TON of sincere trust and commitment on both ends.

 

Mea:)

[AnnPod]

I once broke up with my LDR for some time, and I had the possibility to date some 'hot locals.' I found myself unable to have a new relationship, because my at that time ex was still constantly on my mind, and I didn't find this kind of attraction and inspiration that I got from him. What I also discovered is that sex, or any type of physical interaction is not the same with someone who you just like, who is good looking but who you don't love. Like nothing is like when you are with the person who love.

 

I go out and drink and party, I socialize with my friends, and of course there are times when someone tries it on you, nice guys, good looking ones, or whatever. It's not that I am not noticing it, is just I really don't care. Of course I feel sad sometimes and I wish I wouldn't have to be without my bf all the time, but I prefer being like this over being with someone I don't love.

 

Maybe it's a question of attitude towards love, commitment and relationships, and it's fine by me not everyone can live like I do, my impression is it's to a certain extend also a question of maturity. I think it's like that with love - once you're in it, you're in it, no matter where you are and who you meet.

[Els]

OP and Mea: If you would end an LDR if someone better comes along, who's to say you wouldn't end ANY relationship if someone 'better' comes along anyway? And, well, if your reason for staying with someone is because they're the 'best' you have available at the moment, don't you agree that there will ALWAYS be someone 'better'?

 

I'm also puzzled, is this about that girl's bf's 'jealousy' over you flirting with her, or about LDRs? I don't even see how the two are related, except that the girl's in an LDR. Although I'm pretty sure that if the bf was there IRL with her, he'd still be pissed over someone flirting with her on facebook.

[b52s]

I just re- read your post again here and I do agree that this bound to happen. My first question I guess would be why can't the person's find someone in their own area.. but need to go half way around the globe to find that special someone? Something to me does not add up here? Which would lead me to believe that the person probably does have many potential dates per say locally.. and yet chooses to lead on someone who lives very far away.. and the reason for that could simly be trust issues. So, yes.. I believe that the person could and will probably cave if something better locally comes along. Sorry for the ramble. I just don't see how a long distnace relationship can go very far. There needs to be a TON of sincere trust and commitment on both ends.

 

Mea:)

 

Exactly....I think some people like LDR's because they don't want anyone "being around them" daily.

 

I actually met a co-worker like this, but he was like a 2 hr drive by car. She said she doesn't like to date locally, because this would mean he'd probably be at her house daily.

 

I was thinking "Yikes, someone with commitment issues"

 

So I am wondering, depending on the situation of the LDR's....it might be just plain convenient to the person to keep it that way, as to someone locally. It might be a commitment thing.

 

 

 

I actually know some women that'd like to date guys, for example, airline pilots, they are attracted to the fact that they can never be together constantly. They like being independent, and not have to deal with their boyfriend in their face constantly.

 

I looked at them strangely, but whatever. lol

 

But what kind of "relationship" is that, right?

 

So that's my take on it, I think someone who is in these PARTICULAR kind of LDR's......might like keeping their sig. other's at a distance, and prefer the conjugal visits ever quarter or few months (that is if the airfare doesn't get TOO expensive, lol)

 

Oh, that time I flirted with her, it was just that ONE incident, and that was sometime back.

 

OP and Mea: If you would end an LDR if someone better comes along, who's to say you wouldn't end ANY relationship if someone 'better' comes along anyway? And, well, if your reason for staying with someone is because they're the 'best' you have available at the moment, don't you agree that there will ALWAYS be someone 'better'?

Well, as with anything, I believe there is an exception to the rule....I think with substantial reason finding someone "better" might outweigh the situation that you're currently in....and at times would be rational and logical choice to call off a relationship that won't work in a LDR situation.

 

Sometimes a geographically desirable person might have the same thing that you're current LDR has....but the only difference is that he's 3 doors down....and....that might be enough to "tip the scales" of the LDR to go running into the local yokel.

 

So it depends on the situation right there.

[Meaplus3]

OP and Mea: If you would end an LDR if someone better comes along, who's to say you wouldn't end ANY relationship if someone 'better' comes along anyway?

 

I'm not saying that this can just happen with LDR'S because of course it could happen with any relationship regardless of proximity. But let's just look at the facts about LDR'S. They require a ton of effort.. and to make them work one of the persons has to make a complete life style change for the other. That means giving up a job, family, and friends to relocate in order to be together. This is all easier said then done. Then there is the issue of trust.. while the distance seperates the so called couple. If one of the person's has trust issues due to a past ex who has cheated.. then that's going to be a REAL struggle for him or her. Just seems easier and makes more sense to have a local Relationship.

 

Mea:)

[smartlypretty]

I think my multiquoting is whack so please bear with me.

 

So you never get "the itch"? You never have the thought, "Well, there's this cute guy I met in my (whatever you do socially at parties and interest groups)....he asked me to dinner, maybe I should go back to dating locally.

I am an extremely affectionate and highly sexual person, and no, I haven't. I've thought about it, tried to care less, etc- but I haven't met one dude here who I am physically attracted to in even remotely the same way. We click, we have chemistry, we have an excellent sexual rapport, we're intellectually in tune... it was just random happenstance we met (on a message board) and when we met IRL, we were even more well suited to one another.

 

Also, who is to know that you're b/f in Europe doesn't have a girlfriend, in well.....Europe.

Add that to the long list of stuff we don't know in this life. My dad was cheating on my mom for years and they lived in the same house. If you have to keep your lover under lock and key to keep them honest, that's a different kind of prison you're in.

 

I often wonder if people who are in these kinds of LDR's are really even being faithful? If they are being faithful, I am wondering how they are able to keep being faithful?

I do truly believe he's like me in that he's not been able to find anyone who he likes nearly as much- we're pragmatic- we know that "us" is a longshot but it is what it is, for now.

 

I mean, I wouldn't cheat on them (but I know people that WOULD cheat...in an LDR) , but I would be tempted enough to end an LDR if I found someone locally.

If I felt that way, yeah, I would end it. He's from an english speaking country, and part of it might be that I don't find American men to make me laugh as much, but I see your way of thinking, I just don't understand how it tallies with relationships and commitment in general. It's not like a relationship is a jail cell and if you get out, you're like WOOO! It's all a choice, every person you don't sleep with, every date you don't go on- commitment is commitment whether it's long distance or local.

 

I just re- read your post again here and I do agree that this bound to happen.

Bound to happen? With goats, perhaps. Humans are entirely capable of making the decision to be committed and follow through.

 

My first question I guess would be why can't the person's find someone in their own area.. but need to go half way around the globe to find that special someone? Something to me does not add up here? Which would lead me to believe that the person probably does have many potential dates per say locally.. and yet chooses to lead on someone who lives very far away.. and the reason for that could simly be trust issues.

I get asked out a lot for someone who works at home and has two little kids. And some of the guys, I think about, and I think they're nice and cute and we could be together more and all that. But firstly, dread wells up in my chest at the thought of being with anyone else. And secondly, it feels like false advertising to even try when my heart is with someone else.

 

So, yes.. I believe that the person could and will probably cave if something better locally comes along. Sorry for the ramble. I just don't see how a long distnace relationship can go very far. There needs to be a TON of sincere trust and commitment on both ends.

Why are you so doubtful it exists, though? I'd be lying if I said there aren't a lot of "low" points- if we don't chat a while or it's a long time between visits, or we argue and can't make up easily. But it's perplexing to me that you feel so strongly that people can't make this kind of commitment, like they're just not capable.

 

I once broke up with my LDR for some time, and I had the possibility to date some 'hot locals.' I found myself unable to have a new relationship, because my at that time ex was still constantly on my mind, and I didn't find this kind of attraction and inspiration that I got from him. What I also discovered is that sex, or any type of physical interaction is not the same with someone who you just like, who is good looking but who you don't love. Like nothing is like when you are with the person who love.

Yeah, it's kind of exactly that.

 

I go out and drink and party, I socialize with my friends, and of course there are times when someone tries it on you, nice guys, good looking ones, or whatever. It's not that I am not noticing it, is just I really don't care. Of course I feel sad sometimes and I wish I wouldn't have to be without my bf all the time, but I prefer being like this over being with someone I don't love.

That, too. I mean I can't wait forever, but I'd also be really sad if I dated someone else- the spark wouldn't be there.

 

OP and Mea: If you would end an LDR if someone better comes along, who's to say you wouldn't end ANY relationship if someone 'better' comes along anyway? And, well, if your reason for staying with someone is because they're the 'best' you have available at the moment, don't you agree that there will ALWAYS be someone 'better'?

That's why I hate this way of thinking. My ex, who was no prize looks or intellect-wise, eventually cited the fact that I had a c-section scar and a different body after having babies for him since I was 20 in our breakup. To view people as "better" or "worse" or gradable on some arbitrary system is awful. Who's better than anyone else? We all deserve love, even ugly people.

 

Exactly....I think some people like LDR's because they don't want anyone "being around them" daily.

 

I actually met a co-worker like this, but he was like a 2 hr drive by car. She said she doesn't like to date locally, because this would mean he'd probably be at her house daily.

 

I was thinking "Yikes, someone with commitment issues"

 

One of the things that bothers me about the way relationships in general are discussed on a broader level is this kind of jumping to a bad explanation.

 

That said, I know my boyfriend has commitment issues. Fidelity issues, no, but he's got "things" about marriage and stuff that make him uncomfortable. I know him, I know that, I accept that. The only reason we discuss marriage is because we want to be together- it's not something I want, either. I was married, my husband ended up treating me terribly after our kids were born and it was no guarantee of fidelity nor was it a happy ending.

 

So that's my take on it, I think someone who is in these PARTICULAR kind of LDR's......might like keeping their sig. other's at a distance, and prefer the conjugal visits ever quarter or few months (that is if the airfare doesn't get TOO expensive, lol)

That seems somewhat rational until you are in it yourself- the amount of time he spends on me, and the amount he spends on airfare- he could just have someone nearby NSA if that's what he wanted. Same here- I could easily have a FWB situation with a number of dudes if I was just interested in no-commitment.

 

I'm not saying that this can just happen with LDR'S because of course it could happen with any relationship regardless of proximity. But let's just look at the facts about LDR'S. They require a ton of effort.. and to make them work one of the persons has to make a complete life style change for the other. That means giving up a job, family, and friends to relocate in order to be together. This is all easier said then done. Then there is the issue of trust.. while the distance seperates the so called couple. If one of the person's has trust issues due to a past ex who has cheated.. then that's going to be a REAL struggle for him or her. Just seems easier and makes more sense to have a local Relationship.

It also made more sense for me to get a local job as a secretary when I worked in lower Manhattan. The expense of commuting was huge, the hours were long, the beauty industry is grueling, and I could have had a five minute commute and be done with it, but sometimes you're willing to take an extra step for something that's more in line with what you want. I can settle for some local dude, but I'd know and he'd know I was settling. Who wants that?

[Meaplus3]

IIt also made more sense for me to get a local job as a secretary when I worked in lower Manhattan. The expense of commuting was huge, the hours were long, the beauty industry is grueling, and I could have had a five minute commute and be done with it, but sometimes you're willing to take an extra step for something that's more in line with what you want. I can settle for some local dude, but I'd know and he'd know I was settling. Who wants that?

 

Sure one can do it I'm not saying it can't happen but, it's a life changing decesion with lot's of details to workout. One of the persons will be leaving behind their entire life, family, job, friends.. pretty much all that they have every thing they have known. How can that help a new R? Do you get what I am saying?

 

Mea:)

[smartlypretty]

Sure one can do it I'm not saying it can't happen but, it's a life changing decesion with lot's of details to workout. One of the persons will be leaving behind their entire life, family, job, friends.. pretty much all that they have every thing they have known. How can that help a new R? Do you get what I am saying?

 

Mea:)

 

Well, yes- I've been in a LDR for three years, so I am probably more versed in what exactly either of us would have to sacrifice to go "full time" in the R, we've discussed it over hours and dinners and such. But like, how stupid would anyone have to be to not think of that going in?

[Meaplus3]

Well, yes- I've been in a LDR for three years, so I am probably more versed in what exactly either of us would have to sacrifice to go "full time" in the R, we've discussed it over hours and dinners and such. But like, how stupid would anyone have to be to not think of that going in?[/QUOTE]

 

Good point. But I have a feeling that not everyone does.. and that could be a reason why so many LDR's crash and burn. Glad to hear your's is going well.

 

Mea:)

[Rollercoasterr]

Honestly, I'd rather be 1000 miles away from my man than date someone 1 mile away. It's not that I don't want anyone around. I'd LOVE to have Mathew be around and in my face 24/7. It's not that I haven't found anyone(and he's been my only LDR, ever. The rest were local) local to date, it's that I don't feel for anyone local the way I feel for him. He sends electricity through my entire body just when I hear his voice. He loves me in ways that no one else ever could. He has the power to make me feel INSTANTLY better about anything just by saying "It's going to be alright". He is the best match for me in every single way possible.

 

Of course he could cheat on me, but I could cheat on him too. Do we? No. Nothing can match what we do together(and I mean sexually as well, that's stuff is GREAT! ). He could have 15000 girlfriends in Montreal and all around the world. But he doesn't. I don't have to snoop through his computer, he phone logs, his apartment or his car to know that. I have 100% trust and faith in him just like he has in me.

 

In short, Mathew gives me that can't eat, can't sleep, shoot for the stars, over the fence, world series kind of feeling. From his actions, his words, and the way he pulls me closer and tighter when he kisses me, he feels the same too.

[b52s]

The rest were local) local to date, it's that I don't feel for anyone local the way I feel for him.

 

Not yet.... ;-)

[Rollercoasterr]

Not yet.... ;-)

 

Didn't when we dated before, didn't during the 4 years we were broken up, and haven't this past year and a half we've been together. In less than 6 months I'll be his wife and we'll never be apart again.

 

So again, your point is not valid.

[Els]

Mea, I agree that it's easier to be local. Just like it's easier to have a partner who isn't poor, or doesn't have any illnesses, or doesn't have any wacky relatives, or... well, the list goes on. There's no such thing as a perfect partner with a perfect situation. It's just that some people can accept some things and some people can't. I frankly could never be with someone who's wheelchair-bound or blind or deaf for life, but some people can, and I truly salute them, cause it's definitely easier to be with someone else. It takes a special sort of love and commitment to be with such people - the sort which the current dating scene, IMO, seems to neglect and sometimes even mock. And it takes that same love and commitment for a couple to sustain an LDR. Many fail, but some do succeed.

 

Not yet.... ;-)

 

OP, I'm still curious whether you're really interested in listening to what people have to say in response to your questions - because you sound like you pretty much have your mind set about LDRs. In fact, you seem to claim to know more about them and the people in them... than the people themselves do! Anyway, I'm certainly not wasting any time trying to convince you, so good luck with your love life. I'm sure it's nice to know that your gf hasn't found anyone better... yet.

Edited January 3, 2010 by Elswyth

[aerogurl87]

Ok I've reread this thread and after breaking up with my ex whom I was in a LDR, I have to say that I'd pick him over any local guy anyday. Yes, I have an immensely strong sex drive and yes there are some hot guys around, but none of them get me like my ex does. I've yet to meet any guy whom I have such chemistry and fun with like my ex. So when it comes down to it, I'd take being with him in a LDR over dating any random local guy because I'm happier with him. You can't just create love with anyone, sometimes it just happens to be miles from where you are and that's something you can't help.