Sex with no strings

[mercedesgirl]

I thought I'd give it a go, after chatting with a friend about it. I have started seeing a married guy just for sex, and have been txting a couple of guys who want txt sex, its been great so far. But something happened today that has made me wonder whether I can really do it. I got myself so upset when one of the guys said he couldnt txt me cos his gf was coming over. I got myself so angry . But I knew he had a gf before we started txting! He was quite happy to txt me all yesterday and last nite saying all these things, getting himself turned on, and then today, doesnt want to txt.

 

The married guy said he couldnt see me over Christmas and New Year, which I have found so hard too.

 

I was feeling so good, but now feeling so unsure about it all.

[nama]

Hi mercedesgirl,

 

I'm thinking about this too but haven't got as far as you have. I guess I haven't got the guts! Yet...

 

As for the married man, as someone who was involved with a married man for a number of years - think twice! I know it's only for casual sex but things could get out of hand etc.

 

There are PLENTY of guys out there (single) who are not after a relationship and just want casual sex. What single guy would turn down casual sex!!!!?????!!!!!

 

Nama xx

[alphamale]

many girls have a hard time having sex without becoming attached - boys, not so much

[nama]

That's my problem. I find NSA so cold otherwise and feel like a whore!

[EricaH329]

I'm trying to figure out why you're having casual sex with men who are in relationships?

 

Don't you find that a tad bit disrespectful?

 

Anyway, there are some people who can't just have casual sex. Some people get attached. If you want to just have a purely sexual relationship with men (preferrably single ones), then i'd suggest only seeing them and hanging out with them just to have sex. No going out with him places, no introducing him to your friends, no talking on the phone for hours with him.

 

When you see him, you should see one thing and one thing only. Sex.

[Scottdmw]

Sex with NSA sounds great in theory, you have fun without having to deal with relationship problems etc. I think there are some serious downsides though.

 

Most people really aren't built in such a way that they can do NSA. Read up on human biology some time, especially with regard to the hormone oxytocin. This hormone is released during sex, especially orgasm, and more so in women than men. It is the bonding hormone. It causes you to fall in love with someone, whether you want to or not. The more “fun” the sex is, the more hormone gets released and the more you fall in love with the person. That's the way your body is supposed to work. Some people, mostly men, claim that they can avoid this, but I sometimes wonder if they are fooling themselves.

 

From what you've written, it sounds like you're already feeling the effects of this even with texting.

 

Downside number two: birth control is not perfect. Go to Planned Parenthood’s website sometime and look up failure rates for contraceptives. They really aren't as good as you would hope. “Typical Use” failure rates for either condoms or birth control pills are around 10% per year (“Perfect Use” are better, but you have to be “Perfect” to get those). So, if you have NSA sex on a regular basis for a year, you're running roughly a 1 in 10 risk of getting pregnant with Mr. Married NSA, who is presumably not going to want any strings attached at that point either.

 

You might also want to consider looking on the “Other Woman/Other Man” and “Infidelity” sections of this website, to get some idea of how sex with a married man can mess up people's lives—his, yours, his wife’s, his childrens’. It isn't worth it.

 

Scott

[CarrieT]

I readily admit to engaging in NSA relationships but would NEVER EVER EVER do so with a man who is otherwise attached.

 

I would never want to be the cause of someone else's pain and if your MM's wife found out about you, how would that make you feel?

 

NSA relationships are fine and dandy when there is complete transparency with all involved.

 

You are now experiencing some of the problems of having NSA relationships but I would heartily recommend you disassociate yourself from those guys who are involved with other women.

[mercedesgirl]

thanks for all your comments guys, it has certainly given me something to think about

[anne1707]

No strings sex is impossible with someone who is already in a committed relationship. I am quite sure the third person, i.e. the wife or girlfriend, would not think it was OK if they found their partner was being unfaithful. If you really want NSA, find someone who is single.

[tigereyes1428]

Hi

 

my opinion is that it is not nice to feel 2nd best and when people are in relationships that is what you are to them, in theory its great but your sending a message that your ok to accept crumbs when in fact you deserve a whole loaf to yourself. Xxx

[ordinary_girl]

 

Some people, mostly men, claim that they can avoid this, but I sometimes wonder if they are fooling themselves.

 

 

<< yip >>

[seibert253]

I thought I'd give it a go, after chatting with a friend about it. I have started seeing a married guy just for sex, and have been txting a couple of guys who want txt sex, its been great so far. But something happened today that has made me wonder whether I can really do it. I got myself so upset when one of the guys said he couldnt txt me cos his gf was coming over. I got myself so angry . But I knew he had a gf before we started txting! He was quite happy to txt me all yesterday and last nite saying all these things, getting himself turned on, and then today, doesnt want to txt.

 

The married guy said he couldnt see me over Christmas and New Year, which I have found so hard too.

 

I was feeling so good, but now feeling so unsure about it all.

 

You deserve better than all of this. That's why you're not feeling so good about this.

 

I'm gonna get a bit analytical here, so stick with me:

Deep down inside you wanna feel needed and loved. Many girls/women make the mistake of confusing sex with love. Most men can have sex and feel absolutely no emotional attachment at all. Most women need or want that emotional attachment. Hence the bad feelings you got when these guys ran back to their wives and GF's and left you hangin out to dry. Like it or not, you are getting emotionally attached to guys who are emotionally attached to someone else. Who get's left out here; YOU.

 

Dear, you are nothing more than exercise to these guys. Think about it, these guys are getting the rocks off at your expense and time, then going back to their SO's and showering them with the love and attention you desire. Ray Charles can see what's wrong with this picture. If you want to continue to be some married guys c#mbucket, then that's what you will always be. But, you deserve so much more.

 

BTW, all of this is coming from a guy who's been married to a wonderful wife for 15years, who made the same mistakes you have, when she was young.

 

Peace and good luck.

[norajane]

How could you possibly not feel used by these men?

 

They have wives and gf's who are part of their "real" lives, and then there's you to get their rocks off. They offer you absolutely NOTHING except an orgasm and are done with you as soon as their dick is. And this is all on their schedule and desire - not yours - because they have wives and gf's to tend to, to have dinner with, to spend holidays with, and to have sex with too.

 

So you're there when they need you, and you get...what? Attached to them? Dependent on them? Lots of time waiting and waiting around for them to have an hour available to squeeze you in?

 

That just sounds so incredibly unappealing and demeaning. Even prostitutes at least get paid for their time.

[mypov]

I think it depends on where you are in your life and what your needs are. Many people find themselves stuck in relationships where sex is just a memory. Because of children or finances they keep it together and give up on this part of their life. Even though their partner ignores their needs or can't fulfill them because of health issues like depression or a serious physical illness. NSA encounters are an outlet for their sexual needs.

 

The issue is we tie many things up with the pure physical need. Sex becomes validation that we are attractive and desirable, in short someone wants us. I also think our American culture ties it to love at levels above many other cultures. It also gets bound up in our notion of commitment. Ironically we can demonstrate lack of commitment in many ways and in fact many dysfunctional couples live largely separate lives, but stepping out sexually is still seen as an unforgivable transgression even in these relationships.

 

Long story short, you really need to understand yourself and your needs before engaging in NSA sex. Probably the only way to keep it NSA would be to keep your true identities hidden from each other. Pretend your secret agents or some other fantasy. Once you start referring to it as a relationship it really isn't NSA is it?

[sugarmomma]

I find sex that is void of closeness and intimacy to be very unfulfilling. Yea I can have great orgasms but I realized that I wanted and deserved so much more. Sex is just better for me when I am doing it with someone I love or care deeply for. Other than that I'm just giving my goods away to unworthy suitors and my stuff is too good for that.

[dazzle22]

Interesting to me that you started this thread. I was thinking of starting a thread asking who are the women who put themselves on webcams and text dirty to taken men or actually seek out taken men to cheat with?

 

.I very much want to understand why you would want to do something like this.? What has always bugged me about women who do this, is you seem to not have any sense of "sisterhood" and will knowingly and gladly tempt a taken guy to cheat on someone just like you!. Why do you do this to other women?...

[mercedesgirl]

Interesting to me that you started this thread. I was thinking of starting a thread asking who are the women who put themselves on webcams and text dirty to taken men or actually seek out taken men to cheat with?

 

.I very much want to understand why you would want to do something like this.? What has always bugged me about women who do this, is you seem to not have any sense of "sisterhood" and will knowingly and gladly tempt a taken guy to cheat on someone just like you!. Why do you do this to other women?...

 

If girls dont look after their guys, this is what happens, and the guys wouldnt go if they were completey happy at home!

Edited January 7, 2010 by mercedesgirl
spelling

[Calendula]

It sounds like you were doing ok until you crossed the line between physical and emotional connection as it relates to sex. The following rules have worked for me in the past with regards to no-strings-attached sexual relationships:

 

1. Know your reasons. Make sure you know what your reasons are for wanting a NSA relationship with a certain man before starting one, and be able to clearly communicate these reasons to the person of interest. As MyPov said earlier in this thread, "you really need to understand yourself and your needs before engaging in NSA sex."

 

2. Know you can keep your emotions separate from the physical act. Make sure you are able to keep your emotions separate from the physical act. Some people (both male and female) have trouble doing this, for whatever reason, and if this is you, if you equate sex with intimacy, than a no-strings-attached relationship is probably not for you. Choosing the right person can help with this.

 

3. Choose the man VERY carefully. ABSOLUTELY AVOID men in relationships with other women (married or dating someone else) - these guys have issues if they are looking to you for their sexual satisfication and aren't likely to be open or honest with you in more ways than one. Their potential dishonesty and personal issues can directly affect your physical (STDs) and emotional health, so they are best AVOIDED. By the same token, make sure the man you choose is someone you could never see yourself with romantically, but with whom you are physically and emotionally comfortable and whom you feel you can trust - best friend material, but not currently a friend. Knowing what you really want from a potential partner is important before you can really say that the person you might be interested in for a NSA relationship doesn't romantically fit for you. Make SURE that he is looking for sex for the same reasons you are - just for the physical satisfaction and occasional comfort (if these are even your reasons). Get to know him as a person, and make sure you are comfortable spending time talking with him before doing anything sexual. Also, make sure that he will respect you and your opinions or decisions regarding your own body and your physical and emotional health.

 

4. Set clear ground rules, EARLY (i.e. before having sex). Clearly set down the ground rules early on, before any sexual interactions, and discuss and reinforce these rules often. Rules such as these may help you keep the physical separate from the emotional: no kissing on the lips, no spending the night sleeping together, no romantic snuggling or petting, no social engagements, no public displays of affection when spending time in public, avoid having long personal phone conversations or texting (this is what your other close friends are for), other rules the two of you come up with that could help prevent the line between a purely physical and an emotional relationship from being crossed.

 

5. Discuss sexual health practices, birth control options, pregnancy, and abortion EARLY. Discuss and/or decide upon what you will do if any of the following happen, before actually having sex: STD testing, condom breakage, birth control measures (condoms, pills, etc), the potential use of the Plan B pill if necessary (and who will pay for it), perspectives on pregnancy and abortion, what to do if either of you finds someone you want to be with romantically, sleeping with other people (is it allowed or not, and what are the conditions either way), dating other people without having sex with them (allowed or not? conditions?), under what other conditions will it be appropriate to end your liasons?, other similar issues that may be important to you and him. Always remember that as soon as you decide to have sex with someone you are tying your long term physical health and well being to that of the person you are choosing to physically be with; if you cannot trust them absolutely when they tell you they are clean and healthy, or you're not comfortable talking about such things with them, you probably shouldn't be having sex with them.

 

6. Discuss health history and personal preferences EARLY. Also discuss the following before doing anything sexual: previous sexual history as it pertains to your health and possibly his, including last STD testing date and any positive test results you've ever had, personal hygeine and what is and is not acceptable (if it may be an issue), where and when possible sexual encounters will occur (his place or yours and when or how often), your personal limits and preferences, when the use of alcohol is acceptable, etc.

 

7. NO-STRINGS really means no strings - you have no claim on the person you are with. Always remember, you do not have any claim on the person you are only having sex with in a NSA relationship, emotional or physical, and you therefore have no reason to become attached or jealous - this is the 'no strings' part. If you want 'no strings' it really does mean no strings - very little of the usual romantic relationship stuff comes with it. If you aren't ok with this, then a NSA-R is probably not for you. By the same token, make sure that the person you choose is someone you can trust and always be someone he can trust in return. It is also important for both of you to recognize that you are using each other equally, and to make sure that all expectations or possible assumptions are clearly communicated or accounted for. As with any type of relationship, effective communication is key to keeping it healthy.

 

Best of luck to you.

[dazzle22]

If girls dont look after their guys, this is what happens, and the guys wouldnt go if they were completey happy at home!

 

So, in the same vein, if I left my great sports car in the drive way with the keys in it, you'd just take it, or let my cute really expensive dog out front briefly, unattended, you'd feel free to take her too...after all they were there, unattended, and momentarily not being watched??...

[Scottdmw]

If girls dont look after their guys, this is what happens, and the guys wouldnt go if they were completey happy at home!

 

Someday perhaps someone is going to do this to you—take away someone that you love, help destroy a marriage that you spent years building when it might have otherwise been saved. You will protest “but I thought my partner was perfectly happy! I WAS taking care of him!” Or, possibly it will happen during a time when you're having difficulties with your partner, which happens in EVERY relationship.

 

You know what you are doing is wrong. You know that people are going to end up hurt. Please stop.

 

Scott

[harmfulsweetz]

Why are you going with attached men? NSA is fine, if you can handle it. You shouldn't expect them to sex text you everyday, or to talk to you all the time, you are NSA, right? So that means, you meet up for sex, and that's all. Otherwise it gets damn confusing...

 

Before you proceed with this, think long and hard about why you want an NSA, is it because you don't want to be committed? Or because a relationship is inconvenient? Preferable to an R? Hurt in previous R? Idk, just throwing them out there. You said in your first post, 'I thought I'd give it a try'-beware of dicing with your emotions. Experimenting with your feelings is never a good experiment.

 

The problem is,( I apologize for using the gender card here) women are trying to be like men. When they aren't. It's entirely possible to have a 'succesful' NSA R, if you are prepared to completely detach yourself from him. If you both understand that that's what it is, and all that entails. Men, biologically, are designed to spread their seed, whereas women aren't. Women release oxytocin when they orgasm, and this is the same hormone that they release when they give birth, for bonding.

 

You have to find someone who is also unattached, are you seeking out attached men btw? It just seems it, considering you are with a MM, and a taken man. Get your own. It isn't about how happy these men are with their current partners, it's about the fact that they are selfish enough to want their cake and eat it too. It's not about you meeting his needs, I bet she is too. It's just some mens needs are never met.

[Joe Normal]

It sounds like you were doing ok until you crossed the line between physical and emotional connection as it relates to sex. The following rules have worked for me in the past with regards to no-strings-attached sexual relationships:

 

1. Know your reasons. Make sure you know what your reasons are for wanting a NSA relationship with a certain man before starting one, and be able to clearly communicate these reasons to the person of interest. As MyPov said earlier in this thread, "you really need to understand yourself and your needs before engaging in NSA sex."

 

2. Know you can keep your emotions separate from the physical act. Make sure you are able to keep your emotions separate from the physical act. Some people (both male and female) have trouble doing this, for whatever reason, and if this is you, if you equate sex with intimacy, than a no-strings-attached relationship is probably not for you. Choosing the right person can help with this.

 

3. Choose the man VERY carefully. ABSOLUTELY AVOID men in relationships with other women (married or dating someone else) - these guys have issues if they are looking to you for their sexual satisfication and aren't likely to be open or honest with you in more ways than one. Their potential dishonesty and personal issues can directly affect your physical (STDs) and emotional health, so they are best AVOIDED. By the same token, make sure the man you choose is someone you could never see yourself with romantically, but with whom you are physically and emotionally comfortable and whom you feel you can trust - best friend material, but not currently a friend. Knowing what you really want from a potential partner is important before you can really say that the person you might be interested in for a NSA relationship doesn't romantically fit for you. Make SURE that he is looking for sex for the same reasons you are - just for the physical satisfaction and occasional comfort (if these are even your reasons). Get to know him as a person, and make sure you are comfortable spending time talking with him before doing anything sexual. Also, make sure that he will respect you and your opinions or decisions regarding your own body and your physical and emotional health.

 

4. Set clear ground rules, EARLY (i.e. before having sex). Clearly set down the ground rules early on, before any sexual interactions, and discuss and reinforce these rules often. Rules such as these may help you keep the physical separate from the emotional: no kissing on the lips, no spending the night sleeping together, no romantic snuggling or petting, no social engagements, no public displays of affection when spending time in public, avoid having long personal phone conversations or texting (this is what your other close friends are for), other rules the two of you come up with that could help prevent the line between a purely physical and an emotional relationship from being crossed.

 

5. Discuss sexual health practices, birth control options, pregnancy, and abortion EARLY. Discuss and/or decide upon what you will do if any of the following happen, before actually having sex: STD testing, condom breakage, birth control measures (condoms, pills, etc), the potential use of the Plan B pill if necessary (and who will pay for it), perspectives on pregnancy and abortion, what to do if either of you finds someone you want to be with romantically, sleeping with other people (is it allowed or not, and what are the conditions either way), dating other people without having sex with them (allowed or not? conditions?), under what other conditions will it be appropriate to end your liasons?, other similar issues that may be important to you and him. Always remember that as soon as you decide to have sex with someone you are tying your long term physical health and well being to that of the person you are choosing to physically be with; if you cannot trust them absolutely when they tell you they are clean and healthy, or you're not comfortable talking about such things with them, you probably shouldn't be having sex with them.

 

6. Discuss health history and personal preferences EARLY. Also discuss the following before doing anything sexual: previous sexual history as it pertains to your health and possibly his, including last STD testing date and any positive test results you've ever had, personal hygeine and what is and is not acceptable (if it may be an issue), where and when possible sexual encounters will occur (his place or yours and when or how often), your personal limits and preferences, when the use of alcohol is acceptable, etc.

 

7. NO-STRINGS really means no strings - you have no claim on the person you are with. Always remember, you do not have any claim on the person you are only having sex with in a NSA relationship, emotional or physical, and you therefore have no reason to become attached or jealous - this is the 'no strings' part. If you want 'no strings' it really does mean no strings - very little of the usual romantic relationship stuff comes with it. If you aren't ok with this, then a NSA-R is probably not for you. By the same token, make sure that the person you choose is someone you can trust and always be someone he can trust in return. It is also important for both of you to recognize that you are using each other equally, and to make sure that all expectations or possible assumptions are clearly communicated or accounted for. As with any type of relationship, effective communication is key to keeping it healthy.

 

Best of luck to you.

 

This all sounds so clinical, rather like an operating manual for a car. After discussing all that, even Angelina Jolie would start to seem rather robotic and unappealing. Isn't spontaneity and naturalness an essential part of sleeping with someone?

[stillafool]

OP I thought you told the last MM you were seeing to "take a hike" because you thought you deserved better. What happened? Did you change your mind and now you don't deserve better?

[Calendula]

This all sounds so clinical, rather like an operating manual for a car. After discussing all that, even Angelina Jolie would start to seem rather robotic and unappealing. Isn't spontaneity and naturalness an essential part of sleeping with someone?

 

Spontaneity and naturalness can mean different things for different people, and it doesn't necessarily have to be an essential part of sleeping with someone for everyone. That is why it is SO important to know your reasons for why you want to sleep with someone NSA.

 

If you are looking for a romantic relationhip with someone, or any type of emotional connection, than these 'ground rules' would sound clinical and rather unappealing. If they do, then it is a good way to know that an NSA-R isn't for you. But, if what you are looking for (for whatever reason) is a mostly platonic friendship that occasionally involves sex just for the physical fun and satisfaction of it, having all these discussions at the front end makes things a lot less complicated down the line, because you both have been clear on what the underlying purpose of the relationship for the two of you is and the boundaries have been set. Besides, there is nothing that says all these conversations can't be had over a relatively short period of time, like a day or two, leading to a relative degree of spontaneity.

 

My perspective is that if you can't have all these discussions with the person you want a NSA-R with, then the emotional strings and personal complications will show up whether or not you want them too, simply because one or both of you have made assumptions without discussing them. Such assumptions, combined with the OP's choice to try and have NSA-Rs with involved men, make me think that the OP wasn't sure of what she wanted for herself before trying to start an NSA-R. Her choice (conscious or subconscious) to be with involved men (regardless of the moral ramifications), may have been her way of avoiding the potential for a long term relationship with any of these men without having to have all these discussions, and her resulting assumptions are what I believe led to her current emotional difficulties and uncertainty. By not thinking things through all the way, and not having such discussions with her potential partners, she's end up hurt, and may have hurt other people and their partners in the process. (OP, correct me if I'm totally off with this, but it is just my perspective)

[dazzle22]

Forgive my cynacism, but sounds like the perfect handbook for an aspiring prostitute:)