Sex with no strings

[Calendula]

Forgive my cynacism, but sounds like the perfect handbook for an aspiring prostitute:)

 

Your cynicism is appreciated, but it does seem like you are passing judgement on anyone who has or is considering taking part in a NSA-R, such as the OP or even myself. I believe that prostitution has its own set of ground rules, many of which would be quite different from those I gave above. A no-strings-attached relationship, after all, is still a type of relationship, not a one night stand with a complete stranger, or having sex for money.

 

The main thing I would want someone to take away from what I gave as potential ground rules for a NSA-R, I think also applies for any type of relationship: communicate openly with your potential partner, early and often, ask questions and have discussions BEFORE rather than after sleeping with someone, and know what you want out of a potential relationship with the person you plan to be with, whether it be a no-strings-attached relationship, a long term relationship, or anything in between. In addition, uncommunicated assumptions and expectations are often a quick way to misunderstandings, arguments, and heartache, among other things.

 

While I would never condone having a relationship with someone who is with someone else (for a NSA-R or otherwise), I recognize that no one has all the answers, and each of us is just trying to find our own way in this world as best we can. Sometimes an NSA-R may be what is needed at a certain point in life (for various personal reasons), and may help someone figure out what they truly do or do not want for a future LTR. I therefore refuse to criticize the OP for her actions, or anyone else who may choose to enter into a NSA-R, whatever their reasons. My purpose in posting the list of rules was to get people to think before acting, and to help those who are considering a NSA-R to understand what it might take for such a relationship to work and be a healthy one, rather than a destructive one.

 

For anyone reading this, only you can possibly know what works for you, and what works for you in life and love doesn't have to be the same as for everyone else in the world. You, after all, are the one who has to live with the consequences of your actions and with the knowledge of the effect your actions may have had on other people, both close and distantly connected to you.

[dazzle22]

I will readily admit that I pass judgment on those who pursue married people, ...or for that matter those who steal, or murder, etc. Same category for me - that of TAKING SOMETHING THAT BELONGS TO SOMEONE ELSE...whether that be a relationship, possession, or life itself. I tolerate just about everything else, but without these basic moral ground rules, humans descend into ....oh yeah, what we have now...

[stillafool]

I will readily admit that I pass judgment on those who pursue married people, ...or for that matter those who steal, or murder, etc. Same category for me - that of TAKING SOMETHING THAT BELONGS TO SOMEONE ELSE...whether that be a relationship, possession, or life itself. I tolerate just about everything else, but without these basic moral ground rules, humans descend into ....oh yeah, what we have now...

 

 

Hey, if you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything!

[Scottdmw]

It sounds like you were doing ok until you crossed the line between physical and emotional connection as it relates to sex. The following rules have worked for me in the past with regards to no-strings-attached sexual relationships:

 

1. Know your reasons. Make sure you know what your reasons are for wanting a NSA relationship with a certain man before starting one, and be able to clearly communicate these reasons to the person of interest. As MyPov said earlier in this thread, "you really need to understand yourself and your needs before engaging in NSA sex."

 

.........

 

7. NO-STRINGS really means no strings - you have no claim on the person you are with. Always remember, you do not have any claim on the person you are only having sex with in a NSA relationship, emotional or physical, and you therefore have no reason to become attached or jealous - this is the 'no strings' part. If you want 'no strings' it really does mean no strings - very little of the usual romantic relationship stuff comes with it. If you aren't ok with this, then a NSA-R is probably not for you. By the same token, make sure that the person you choose is someone you can trust and always be someone he can trust in return. It is also important for both of you to recognize that you are using each other equally, and to make sure that all expectations or possible assumptions are clearly communicated or accounted for. As with any type of relationship, effective communication is key to keeping it healthy.

 

Best of luck to you.

 

 

Calendula,

 

Your rule list is interesting, and it shows you put some thought into this.

 

Perhaps a person could agree that, if someone truly followed your rules, they could have a NSA relationship with no one getting hurt. Based on my life experience though, I would make the contention that people really are not capable of doing this. A person may think they are capable of following these rules, they may in fact work pretty hard to convince themselves that they can do it, but it doesn't necessarily mean they can. Human biology is designed to make people bond during sex.

 

It seems to me that convincing yourself that you can avoid that is similar to convincing yourself that you can smoke without harm. You've gotten away with it up to a point, you know other people have also, so you convince yourself it will always be okay. If someone you know comes down with lung cancer, you tell yourself they must not have followed the rules exactly.

 

At the end of the day I suspect that many people are going to try to do NSA sex anyway. But, if it ever does go badly for you, consider this before doing it again.

 

Scott