Personal Question/Possible TMI but curious

[Fallen Angel]

How completely and utterly irresponsible. I can't even believe I'm reading this.

 

Utterly irresponsible to not use condoms as birth control after having had a tubal ligation performed which is PERMANENT birth control? LMAO.. read the stats on the failure rates of tubal ligation as opposed to that failure rates of condoms and then rethink your statement, because calling me irresponsible here is just stupid.

[John Who]

I guess it actually works for 99.9 % of OW the same old line I DON'T HAVE SEX WITH MY W.....SHE HATES SEX:lmao::lmao:.

 

what amazes me most is how so many of you have unprotected sex. If he is willing to have unprotected sex with you he's willing to do it with someone else,which I guess can go both ways if you are willing to have unprotected sex with a man you are willing to have unprotected sex with any other man.....Oh wait any man you "trust".

Edited December 27, 2009 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Shouldacouldawoulda]

I fully believe he is still having sex with his W although limited. I also am not worried about pregnancy because of my tubal. Worried about STDs? No more than I would be with ANY other man. Obviously all men (and women) have the proclivities to cheat. Otherwise, there would be no need for this forum. How do you 100% know that your man (or woman) is not cheating on YOU in a monogamous relationship? You don't!

[skylarblue]

MM and I have never had protected (any kind of) sex in our R. We attempted to the very first time, but it wasn’t working out so we ditched it and went commando. I was surprised that he took that chance being a MM and not knowing me at all and sleeping with me the day after we “met”. I was less worried about him because I knew his job had annual physicals. He was worried afterwards because he asked the next day if my bf was the only other guy I was sleeping with (he was). We’ve also never used any form of birth control (other than pulling out), although the first years he’d regularly say “we should be taking” or “I wish you were on birth control”, but earlier this year we somehow started to heavily rely on the “rhythm method”. I assume he is still sleeping with his W, but I doubt it’s often or regularly. Over the years the comments have gone from things like “I think about you when I f*ck my W” to “my W says if she’s not getting it than who is?” I don’t care how often or not he does. I don’t think he’s ever come over to me after being with her and never would I even give it a worry that he would. At this point he’ll risk leaving his home at 1am to see me when she is conveniently right next to him or choose it go without most times.

[Shouldacouldawoulda]

MM and I have never had protected (any kind of) sex in our R. We attempted to the very first time, but it wasn’t working out so we ditched it and went commando. I was surprised that he took that chance being a MM and not knowing me at all and sleeping with me the day after we “met”. I was less worried about him because I knew his job had annual physicals. He was worried afterwards because he asked the next day if my bf was the only other guy I was sleeping with (he was). We’ve also never used any form of birth control (other than pulling out), although the first years he’d regularly say “we should be taking” or “I wish you were on birth control”, but earlier this year we somehow started to heavily rely on the “rhythm method”. I assume he is still sleeping with his W, but I doubt it’s often or regularly. Over the years the comments have gone from things like “I think about you when I f*ck my W” to “my W says if she’s not getting it than who is?” I don’t care how often or not he does. I don’t think he’s ever come over to me after being with her and never would I even give it a worry that he would. At this point he’ll risk leaving his home at 1am to see me when she is conveniently right next to him or choose it go without most times.

 

Thank you for your open and honest answer Skylar!

[Fallen Angel]

MM and I have never had protected (any kind of) sex in our R. We attempted to the very first time, but it wasn’t working out so we ditched it and went commando. I was surprised that he took that chance being a MM and not knowing me at all and sleeping with me the day after we “met”. I was less worried about him because I knew his job had annual physicals. He was worried afterwards because he asked the next day if my bf was the only other guy I was sleeping with (he was). We’ve also never used any form of birth control (other than pulling out), although the first years he’d regularly say “we should be taking” or “I wish you were on birth control”, but earlier this year we somehow started to heavily rely on the “rhythm method”. I assume he is still sleeping with his W, but I doubt it’s often or regularly. Over the years the comments have gone from things like “I think about you when I f*ck my W” to “my W says if she’s not getting it than who is?” I don’t care how often or not he does. I don’t think he’s ever come over to me after being with her and never would I even give it a worry that he would. At this point he’ll risk leaving his home at 1am to see me when she is conveniently right next to him or choose it go without most times.

 

I am curious as to why, if you do not want a baby, you would not use SOME form of birth control?

 

I happen to be one of those people who birthcontrol seems to fail for (My son and my twins were concieved while on the pill, and my youngest while using condoms with my now xH) but it seems to me that the implant or the shot would not be too inconvenient. And might in the long run turn out to be a wise investment.

 

I know I feel much better knowing my tubes have been tied..while I know it is not 100 percent, it is the safest option, outside of hysterectomy or abstaning. I have discussed possible failure of the tubal with MM, and we came to the conclusion that if we are the one in 250 thousand (or whatever the stats are) that we would have a baby, as while every woman should have the choice, it would never be MY choice to abort a child I made in love.

 

Is there a reason you have not chosen a birth control method other than 'pulling out' or hoping that your cycle stays rhythmatic?

[OWoman]

While I don't disagree with this:

 

Rule of thumb, from a hardened old former cheat and OW - protect yourself, physically and emotionally. Always. There are those of us who found it as easy to lie to the OP face as it was to lie to the SO.

 

My experience on this (below) has been completely different:

 

A good deal of the married and 'otherwise involved' guys I was playing around with were usually flirting with/sleeping with their wives and with other women as well (I was both the cheater and the OW so I was always careful because I knew EXACTLY what the deal was). I'm not sure why someone would assume that a married person who cheats will only cheat with one person at a time, or worse yet would automatically trust someone like that because of "love". I can tell you from a wide and varied experience on both sides that when someone is cheating, they are usually playing a wide field when they do regardless of what they might say to any one person on the field do the contrary.

 

The only exceptions I've seen were the ones who were in exit affairs, and on the way out, and genuinely interested in divorcing and initiating a one on one monogamous relationship with someone new. The ones who stayed married, and had no plans to leave... I can't honestly say in the years and many people I had been with that there wasn't an exception to that.

 

Perhaps it was because I chose to hit on MMs who had never, and would never have, considered an A before, but none of the MMs I was ever involved with had any OOWs (or had had any OWs previously) - though they may well have moved on to other OWs after I dumped them, and possibly more than one at a time, IDK.

 

Because they were A virgins, they had a hard enough time of the logistics - having to drop whatever it was they were doing when they were summoned, having to come up with excuses or alibis or however it was they got out of whatever commitments they needed to wriggle out of if summoned, how they explained away any random body fluids in any unexpected places or sudden erratic behaviours they may have adopted... Juggling more than one at a time would simply have blown their delicate brain circuits. As it was, a couple of them dumped their Ws because the stress of keeping two women happy became too much for them

 

But just because it's possible, it doesn't mean it's inevitable. If you're not going to play it safe by using every means possible to protect yourself against disease and/or pregnancy, then at least get regular checks so that you can treat any nasty surprises promptly. I've lost far too many friends, colleagues and acquaintances to AIDS - it's not something you'd want to regret later.

[skywriter]

So, how can you protect yourself from contracting herpes from a person?

 

From what I understand, if they've had a fever blister they can pass it on to others unknowingly.

[alg24]

I got herpes from my MM. We had protected sex for awhile then stopped using protection... Well a couple months later I got it from him-- 100% he gave it to me. You can still get herpes from oral.

 

Also, I too thought my MM was only with me. He told me that all the time. (He and the wife are separated--- she told me she is done with him, and if I am smart I would be as well) Well, the other day I looked at his phone... I was intentionally snooping-- I was looking for the calendar (his phone is in spanish) and I tapped into the text message.. There was a number that stood out, and long story short he was writing to this girl "I am alone tonight. Want to go to the beach or anything you want." (I had someone translate it) Especially after getting herpes, which I really don't think he knew he had b/c he never gets an outbreak, he promised me I am the only girl he is sleeping with, he doesn't want anyone else except for me, he loves me, BLA BLA BLA-- well am I the only girl??

 

Protect yourself. How you feel for a couple weeks, months, couple years is not worth getting a STD that you will have for the rest of your life. MM are selfish, liars, and can't be trusted. I too thought my MM and I had something "special" well no, I was just the flavor of the day.

 

Good luck everyone, and please be safe.

[John Who]

Well said alg24,WOW I am still amazed how many of you have unprotected sex,I may have been stupid for having my EA but NEVER,NEVER have I or will I have unprotected sex that is beyond foolish.

 

You all are playing with fire,and when you get burned it will be to late,getting pregnant is the least or your problems what if oneday you contract AIDS do you know how many people are walking around with AIDS and do not know it.

[Impudent Oyster]

Utterly irresponsible to not use condoms as birth control after having had a tubal ligation performed which is PERMANENT birth control? LMAO.. read the stats on the failure rates of tubal ligation as opposed to that failure rates of condoms and then rethink your statement, because calling me irresponsible here is just stupid.

 

I apologize, I should have kept reading, who knew there would be even more irresponsible posters than you responding to this thread?

 

 

Boggles the mind. Truly.

[CCNowWhat]

For about the first year we used protection then after he pulled the condom off one time we never used protection after that. I have been tested and I am clean. He has only been with one other woman besides me, his wife and maybe one other years ago. I was the one who used to be scared of not using anything because I did not want to become pregnant, funny thing is it didn't seem to bother him in the least. oh well

[skywriter]

Big (((hugs))) to you, alg24.

 

This was my point that, all this we use condoms, doesnt make us foolproof from some stds.

 

You could've been using all the condoms available and still not avoiding getting herpes.

 

The difference is, if you'd been with someone committed to loving you. Him taking responsibility for what he'd given you and saying,"we're in this together". Instead, they go out and put others at risk. Possibly deny giving it to you as well.

 

Of course, the male may not get a full blown outbreak, he probably knows when he's shedding the virus though. He probablyknows he's carrying the virus as well.

[alg24]

Its very difficult having herpes and I wish more than anything I had kept using protection. There is a chance I still could have gotten it with using a condom, but still... I am stupid and foolish for not using a condom with my MM. Now I am 21 (got herpes last year when I was 20) My MM and I have been together on and off for 2 years. I may be stupid in continuing the A for a little while longer BUT I will ALWAYS have herpes... Its very difficult to accept... Perhaps a bit of karma on top of it? Regardless no matter how much you ''trust'' your MM protect YOURSELF! It just not worth it.

 

Perhaps I truly am naive or just young but I learned later my MM was not just with me... I thought it was only me BLA BLA love, no. If your MM is so great, kind, caring- why is he cheating? IF his marriage is really finished don't believe the lies he is staying for his "kids." He is a selfish pig and does not care about how you feel. Regardless if your ''relationship'' is ''different'' all I can say is ladies PLEASE be careful, use protection, and protect yourself. Its just not worth it.

 

Not only will I have herpes for the rest of my life and sexual need to be BEYOND careful, but the outbreaks are horrific... I would never wish it on anyone =(

[skylarblue]

Originally Posted by Fallen Angel

…Is there a reason you have not chosen a birth control method other than 'pulling out' or hoping that your cycle stays rhythmatic?

 

I don’t know why we/I don’t use birth control other than I’ve never been on anything. I’m normally in a LTR and I can’t remember any conversation with a bf any deeper than me stating I’m not on birth control which automatically leads to “pulling out” as the applied method. MM has followed the exact same pattern. It seems like we’re treating the possibility of pregnancy so nonchalantly, but the times that we feel its “safe” I really kinda mentally flip out afterwards, but I don’t tell him that. Two weeks ago, he slipped on an “unsafe” day, and I didn’t even mention it to him (even though in my mind I was screaming at him the second it happened) until late the next night and I told him so timidly. I really don’t like all the risks we’re taking, but I don’t know why I feel so hesitant to say anything (it’s so out-of-character). I’m so going to regret not taking control of my own body if I get pregnant. Something so easy to prevent and I’m choosing to be so stupid. WTF is wrong with me?!...(P.S. FA, I think you’re a doll!)

[LucreziaBorgia]

I’m so going to regret not taking control of my own body if I get pregnant.

 

You and he both. There is something 'romantic' in the heat of passion about it - thinking of the idea of creating a life between the two of you - so much that birth control becomes nonchalant.

 

It is like playing Russian roulette with atomic weapon bullets. Eventually you'll hit the live chamber, and it will blow both of you away, and take out a lot of collateral damage as well.

 

When reality hits, romance turns quickly to horror. More than a few OW have seen what their MM can turn into when a pregnancy happens, and it is not pretty. I've read about it here and other places.

 

It ranges from extremes like him dumping the OW and becoming a begrudging 'check in the mail' father to BW/MM suing the OW for custody and making her pay child support (actual story not on this board but another one). Over the years I've seen MM who become 'Jefferson' like fathers who keep a separate but clearly not equal family on the side, MM who will only spend time with the child if the OW is going to have sex with him, etc. Rare is it the MM who leaves his W and starts a family with the OW out in the open.

 

Rare enough that you may want to seriously rethink the 'pulling out' policy. He may love you, but if you get pregnant all bets are off.

[Fallen Angel]

Originally Posted by Fallen Angel

…Is there a reason you have not chosen a birth control method other than 'pulling out' or hoping that your cycle stays rhythmatic?

 

I don’t know why we/I don’t use birth control other than I’ve never been on anything. I’m normally in a LTR and I can’t remember any conversation with a bf any deeper than me stating I’m not on birth control which automatically leads to “pulling out” as the applied method. MM has followed the exact same pattern. It seems like we’re treating the possibility of pregnancy so nonchalantly, but the times that we feel its “safe” I really kinda mentally flip out afterwards, but I don’t tell him that. Two weeks ago, he slipped on an “unsafe” day, and I didn’t even mention it to him (even though in my mind I was screaming at him the second it happened) until late the next night and I told him so timidly. I really don’t like all the risks we’re taking, but I don’t know why I feel so hesitant to say anything (it’s so out-of-character). I’m so going to regret not taking control of my own body if I get pregnant. Something so easy to prevent and I’m choosing to be so stupid. WTF is wrong with me?!...(P.S. FA, I think you’re a doll!)

 

Skylar,

 

Hun, I must admit to being a bit concerned about you right now. I say this because I have been wondering myself about if I had not had my tubes tied prior to my relationship with My MM, if we would be using birth control. I would like to say with 100 percent certainty that we would, but the truth is, I do not know that it would be a major priority for us either.

 

I think there is a small part of me, that would love to have a child with My MM. It is that part of me that wants MORE, for lack of a better term. There is a part of me that knows that by having a child with him, I would always have at least a part of him in my life, even if he, himself, was no longer in my life. Does that make sense?

 

For him I feel that it would be the same way, he would know that we had a small part of 'US' forever in this world. Making a child with someone is the ultimate act of love. (Of course there are many children concieved without love, I get that but for us, it would be an act, a choice of love.)

 

Do I think that it would be in a child's best interests to be born of our affair? NO! I believe that a child should only be concieved by two people acting responsibly and making a plan to provide for a lifetime of emotional and financial support for that child.

 

Without a doubt, my HEAD knows all this, and knows that I do NOT need another child. I have one in high school, one in junior high, and one that just started kindergarten. His children are grown and have children of their own, except his youngest who is also in high school. The last thing we need is five years down the road one starting kindergarten while my oldest is starting college, and his grandchildren are starting junior high. That would be awful. But my HEART still wants it sometimes, and I know that if I had not had my tubes tied, he would give me a child if I asked him to. (I thank whatever God there may be, that six years ago, I had the foresight to know that I needed to use my head before it got overwhelmed by my heart again.)

 

I would suggest you REALLY think about why, knowing the possibility, and being fully aware of how simple and safe the birth control is that is available to you (often free or for a couple of bucks a month with insurance) that you choose to throw caution to the wind, and take the risk of a pregnancy you SAY you do not want. I think that once you really think about it, you will find that there is some small part of you that wants "more." Once you see this, maybe you will take the steps to stop the conception of a child that deserves better than either of you have to offer him/her right now.

 

((HUGS to you))

[Shouldacouldawoulda]

Excellent post, FA. I'm now wondering too, if not for the tubal, would we be using BC? I'm willing to bet no. Funny thing is, I know how irresponsible that is, but still don't think I would be using condoms with him.

 

Now I'm starting to worry a little about pregnancy (since tubals do fail), and what the heck I'd tell my coworkers, how my family would feel (they know about but don't necessarily condone my A), what I would tell my CHILDREN....scary thoughts.

[Fallen Angel]

Excellent post, FA. I'm now wondering too, if not for the tubal, would we be using BC? I'm willing to bet no. Funny thing is, I know how irresponsible that is, but still don't think I would be using condoms with him.

 

Now I'm starting to worry a little about pregnancy (since tubals do fail), and what the heck I'd tell my coworkers, how my family would feel (they know about but don't necessarily condone my A), what I would tell my CHILDREN....scary thoughts.

 

The chances of pregnancy after tubal ligation are SLIM.. that is not to say it is imposible, but, I will not lose even a moments sleep over that tiny, itty bitty, minute chance of failure. *shrug* i would suggest you don't either. (If you are still concerned, read up on the failure rates... trust me, you will sleep much better knowing you had your tubes tied than knowing all you were using was condoms)

[outofthedark]

From my own experience at a failure, I have learned that nothing is 100%. It was so nice not having to worry about becoming pregnant and having tons of sex.. UNTIL it happened. I do Have a beautiful baby but omg what a shock!

You can go to your gyn and have a full eval and exam to see if anything has opened, and or grown back together. If you are young, I highly suggest this!! Your body tries to heal itself and the younger you are, the higher the slim chance that it will. Mine did... in one little spot and guess what...those sperm got right up in there!

[fooled once]

The chances of pregnancy after tubal ligation are SLIM.. that is not to say it is imposible, but, I will not lose even a moments sleep over that tiny, itty bitty, minute chance of failure. *shrug* i would suggest you don't either. (If you are still concerned, read up on the failure rates... trust me, you will sleep much better knowing you had your tubes tied than knowing all you were using was condoms)

 

I had my tubal 11 years ago and have NEVER given it a second thought. NEVER have I even had a moment when I thought I was pregnant.

 

It is VERY rare for that to happen.

 

And FA, while I adore my H, I had my tubes tied within 6 months of us marrying because neither of us wanted an "our" child. We didn't feel the need that so many do to have a child together. We both had children from prior marriages.

 

When I was in the affair, I had no reason for worry as the MM I was seeing had a vasectomy. I personally think it is very foolish to not use condoms in an affair. Very foolish. No one truly knows where the wife has been and if SHE is having an affair and contacted something. See, that alone would give me the heebie geebies --- because he is still having sex with her ~ who knows who she has been with.

[OW_WS]

Good points all around. Unprotected, he had a vasectomy years ago. STD wise, we've both been tested and still this thread gave me pause, after all it takes only one indiscretion on his part -and yes, we are both cheaters so the odds are increased- to make the testing irrelevant.